


I just want to help

by pullmyfingerCRASHgiggles



Category: Supernatural
Genre: A Bit of Fluff, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Blood and Gore, Cas is trying his best, Cas was hurt, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Confessions, Dean is a Sweetheart, Dean was a major dick, Depression, Drug Abuse, Flashbacks, Gen, Guilt, Homeless!Castiel, Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Protective Dean Winchester, Regret, Sam is a Sweetheart, Self Harm Issues, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, cas cries, cas has depression, cas is a sweetheart, dean cries, eventual destiel, homeless themes, trigger warning, very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:06:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 40
Words: 256,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23996485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pullmyfingerCRASHgiggles/pseuds/pullmyfingerCRASHgiggles
Summary: When Castiel was homeless it took a toll on his physical, mental and emotional health. He never told Sam or Dean about it. He felt shame but he turns that shame into helping homeless people out whenever Sam and Dean are asleep, or he's not with them. He knows he shouldn't keep it a secret but he can't bring himself to tell the brothers what he's doing because then he'd have to explain how he really lived as a human.Castiel just wants to help everyone out.Sam and Dean are concerned that their friend is hiding something from them.It’s first person POV but please trust me it’s goodFlashbacks to season 9 throughout.December 2020 edit: THIS FIC IS CURRENTLY BEING REREAD AND EDITED BY ME SO ANY SPELLING OR GRAMMAR MISTAKES YOU FIND PLEASE LET ME KNOW AS IM CURRENTLY EDITING
Relationships: Castiel & Sam Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Comments: 618
Kudos: 345





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey,  
> So I read a fic a few years ago and I always go back to it. It's called 'A winters tale' and honestly I cannot recommend it enough to you but fucking hell does it hurt to read. I'm always a mess when I read it. But that fic has HEAVILY inspired this one but of course it is quite different.  
> I hope you do enjoy, let me know.  
> C

**Castiel's POV**

"Not watching over me tonight, feathers?" Dean winked at me and grinned as he got into bed. 

I stood by the door, ignoring Sam's laugh as he got into his own bed in the motel. 

The hunt had gone well but both of them were too tired to drive and Dean didn't trust me enough to drive his car as he slept, I tried not to be offended by it but I understood that his car is his pride and joy. His baby. I understood that and it was okay. 

I rolled my eyes. 

"I thought I'd go for a walk. I'll be back before you wake up." I sighed and turned the light off for them before walking out of the door. 

"Keep your GPS on." I heard Dean mumble from the other side of the door. 

"It's a walk not a heavenly crusade." I heard Sam tease him back. 

"Shut up, Sam." Dean growled back. 

I felt myself smile at their teasing each other, did they not realise that I could hear them? 

I didn't have any idea why I wouldn't tell them where I was really going.

Was it embarrassment? I'd felt that a numerous amount of times in the past, both as a human and as an angel.

But somehow this felt different, maybe another level of embarrassment? I was unsure, but the person I would usually ask for clarification on different kinds of emotions was Sam and I knew that I didn't want either Sam nor Dean knowing where I was really going.

Knowing Dean he would be checking my GPS for at least another hour before he would give up and accept that I wasn't lying and let himself rest, I felt slightly guilty about lying but this lie could never cause anyone any harm. I'd thought it through thoroughly.

There was no way.

I slowly made my way into the nearby town, wandering around the parks until it got to midnight. Dean had probably gone to sleep by now, I searched for his longing, it was always more present when he was awake. It was low, he was asleep. I was sure. 

There was a 24 hour store close by, I was sure, I followed the maps on my phone until it brought me right outside the store. It was small and the clerk was clearly tired, struggling to keep her eyes open. I gave her a sincere smile of apology for keeping her busy and set about finding my items. It didn't take too long, she didn't question me. 

I circled back on myself and headed to the the centre of the town, knowing I'd find at least one person to help. It was easy. 

I went to the most common places; behind dumpsters, back streets, shop doorways and bus shelters. I found the first person in an alleyway behind a Chinese take out place. 

It was a man in his late forties, he was awake and coughing roughly. I grimaced as I heard him, I remembered how painful it was to cough like that. I wished I'd picked up some medication but it had simply slipped my mind. 

"Hello." I cleared my throat as I approached. 

"What d'you want? I just got here, man. Don't make me move." 

I held my hands up, the plastic bag rustling. "I'm just here to talk." 

"Who are you?"

"My name's Cas." I introduced myself, people usually thought I was lying when I told them my full name, it was unusual so I didn't take offence, I was used to being called the shortened version of my name now anyway. 

"John." He nodded, adjusting his thin coat. "What d'you want?" He repeated. 

I tilted my head, I'd already told him. "To talk?" 

He chuckled which made him cough more. "Sorry, sorry. It's not catching." 

"I know, it's the cold." I huffed. "Rattles your lungs." 

"Yeah you'd know that huh?"

I nodded. "Unfortunately yes." I made my way towards him and sat down beside him slowly. 

"Sorry for the smell." He bit his lip. "Why are you out? Shouldn't you be tucked up in some nice warm bed?" 

I shook my head. "I don't sleep, much." 

"Insomnia got to you huh? This helps." He pulled out a small bottle of whiskey and sipped. 

"It helps with warmth too." I mused. "How did you end up here?" I asked. 

"What's it to you?" He glared at me. 

I gulped, the last thing I needed was to get in an altercation and get blood on my clothes. Sam and Dean would want to know what had happened. "I find that talking about it with someone usually helps, lifts the burden." 

"You ain't like me, kid." He rolled his eyes. 

"I was. It was uh-last year. I didn't speak to anyone about it and I struggled terribly with the loneliness it brought. I just- Since I'm no longer in that position, I'd like to help people that are. I can understand." 

He scoffed at me, he was guarded. just like Sam and Dean when they didn't want to talk about something that they probably should do. "How'd you end up on the streets then huh? Pretty boy?"

I scrunched my eyebrows. I never understood how calling someone attractive was somehow an insult in american culture. "I made a big mistake. I-My friends they- I thought that I had a home with them but it turned out-"

"You didn't?" He guessed. "Screw them. Every man for himself in this day." 

I shook my head. "It wasn't their fault, a misunderstanding I suppose. But in any case, I wasn't resourceful back then. I didn't know how to support myself. I tried hard but-"

"Was never enough huh?" He rolled his eyes. "How'd you get out then?"

"Circumstances changed." I explained quickly. "My friends they changed their minds too, I was lucky. I was only outside for a few months." I shrugged.

"Thirteen years this winter." 

"What happened?" I asked. 

He sighed, causing another coughing fit. I pulled out a bottle of water from my bag and handed it to him. "Thanks." He cautiously opened it. "You first." He handed it back. 

I nodded, I understood the need to be wary of strangers giving you things when sleeping outside. I took a sip and handed it back to him. This seemed to gain his trust as he started to gulp down the water. 

"My wife found out I was cheating." He closed his eyes, leaning on the wall behind us. "She took everything, the house, the car, the kids. My money. The only thing I had was my job but she got all the money anyway so I quit." 

I nodded. "Does she not know you're here?"

He shook his head, smirking. "How pathetic would that make me look? Bad enough I was screwing another woman but then to be a bum?" 

"Yes, I understand the shame you feel. It's hard to ask for help." 

"That what you did? Ask those friends of yours for help?"

I shook my head. "They wouldn't want to hear about that." 

He nodded. "I get that, pal. I stayed with a buddy of mine for a while but his chick got sick of having me crash on the couch so he got rid of me, told me to keep in touch- what's the point in that though? He said he'd call. Never did." 

_"I'll call you." Dean sighed as he pulled me in for a quick embrace at the bus station._

_"Okay." I nodded, trying to control my bottom lip. Why was it wobbling whenever I looked at him? Why was he doing this?_

_"Look, Cas. I'm sorry. It's just-"_

_"It's okay, I understand." I tried to give him a strong nod._

_But I suppose it was clear on my face._

_I didn't understand and it wasn't okay._

_"I'll call." Dean promised again as I got out of his car and headed to my bus._

_Each day I'd make sure the cell phone he gave to me was charged and had service no matter where I was. Just in case he'd call me._

_But I should have saved my energy of walking to coffee shops and libraries to charge it._

_He never called._

"People are overrated if you ask me." 

I shook my head. "People are amazing." I disagreed. "Each one is unique in their own way and not one person in inherently evil, everyone makes choices which shape themselves and the people around them. People have such power over their own lives and the paths that they choose, and most of the time they will pick the paths that will make the others around them happy. I think that's worth protecting." 

John grit his teeth. "That's probably why you ended up out here, huh? See nothing but good?"

"There is bad." I admitted. "But not as much as most people will have you believe. I had it coming, I was stupid and naive." I chuckled. 

"So what's your deal then, Cas? You stay up all night talking to bums like me?"

I nodded. "Most nights, yes. Though I disagree that you're somehow part of a body." 

He laughed. "Didn't peg you for a comedian." He sipped more of the water. "But what's your deal? I mean, this can't be fun for you. Surely it reminds you of it all, plenty of people I've met out here. They get off the streets and they pass by looking all tidied up with their wives and 2.5 kids, not even giving me a second look. But I was in the thick of it with some of them guys, starving." 

"Ah yes." I realised I hadn't given him the food I'd brought, I went into my plastic bag and pulled out three sandwiches, a loaf of bread, two more bottles of water and four packets of cookies. 

"What's the catch? I ain't into that gay shit-"

I held my hands up. "I'm just trying to help. As good as people are, I find that it's rare that they give to people who sleep outside." 

"You're not wrong." He gulped, taking the food and stuffing it into his backpack that was probably originally for hiking. 

"I suppose it does remind me of my time but if I don't do this, who else will? I wouldn't want anyone to feel as I did back then, if I can help at least one person a night then I'd class that as a 'win'." I used Dean's phrasing. 

John's face broke into a smile. "You're a rare kinda guy. You move around a lot then?" 

"Yes, usually a different state every few days. We stay in motels." I shrugged. 

He nodded. "I made that mistake. Staying in motels for the first few weeks instead of saving up the money." He rolled his eyes. 

"It is tempting. I never realised just how luxurious they really are until recently." I sighed thinking back to how much I'd longed to sleep in a bed just once more. 

John nodded. "Y'know. You're not gonna be able to help everyone." 

"I know." I nodded, sighing. It was a great burden that I wouldn't be able to solve at least America's crisis of people sleeping outside. "Most people don't want the help anyway." 

"You're not wrong. Americans, too much pride." 

"Exactly. That's one of my sins." 

He sighed. "I just keep saying to myself that this will be the last year I'm doing this, but honestly. I don't think I know how to live normally anymore. I wouldn't know what to do if I had a house again, or a job or anything. I'm good at being a bum. I'm real good at it, living out here keeps me sharp, keeps me ready and smart. I know not to trust anyone as far as I can throw 'em." 

"Surviving for thirteen years is rather impressive." I agreed, I barely survived my six months. 

_When Dean calls I should remember to ask him how quickly it's normal to lose weight. How to stop losing weight so quickly._

_I sighed to myself, staring at my phone, willing it to ring._

_But there was nothing, the jeans I'd bought at the thrift store with my first wage hadn't lasted long, they'd been slightly tight not three weeks ago, now they were slipping from my waist every five minutes or so, I could feel the wind through the bottom of the legs as I sat on my bench at the park, it was unpleasant on my knees. I knew that I was losing the weight but no matter what I ate it wasn't helping._

_I tried to eat more than normal too. Instead of just eating the out of time hot dogs that Nora threw away at the end of each day (usually it was only one sometimes it was two as she was very careful about not wasting food) I tried to walk around and find other sources of food, behind the pizza place nearby would sometimes have a mouldy cold slice or two. But even by doing that it didn't help. I even started eating those things every day instead of every other day like I had been doing and it didn't help. I still felt the pain in my stomach and my hands were constantly shaking._

_I'd only had the job for six weeks and it had helped tremendously with keeping myself alive. It could always be worse. I could still be in the park. I looked over to the spot that I used to sleep in fondly. I did miss watching the stars as I fell asleep. But the floor of the storeroom was significantly better._

_I would not starve or freeze to death whilst I slept in there. It was my days off that I had to sleep at the park again. But that was only three nights every week. I was managing perfectly fine. It was just the weight loss that was a concern._

_Dean would know what to do when he called. I wouldn't call him, he was a very busy man. He had much bigger concerns than me right now._

_I pocketed my phone quickly before the sharp pain in my chest got any worse._

_I'd started to get a cough this week too, it felt like my lungs were shaking. I'd wanted to ask Dean about that too but a man passing by had heard me coughing and told me that my lungs were rattling._

_I'd never heard a cough described in that way before but the analogy did fit. He told me I would need some bed rest and to be out of the cold to fix it, hot tea wouldn't hurt either. I was about to tell him that I didn't have any of those things available to me when my body was filled with such shame that I just smiled and nodded at him._

_That was odd._

_The cough only got worse when Nora sent me off work because I was too sick, she insisted that I go home and rest. But that meant that I would have to go back to the park, have no food that she threw out and it was so much colder in the park than it was in the storeroom and I wouldn't be paid if I wasn't working._

_I_ _forced myself to hide my coughing whilst I was at work and used the remaining twenty dollars from my wage for the month on some cough medicine and a warm jumper from the thrift store. It slowly helped._

_But I knew that if I carried on losing weight like this then I would surely die soon._

_I prayed that Dean would call soon, he would know what I should do._

"I know guys out here that have lasted decades, man. Others- well they uh don't last too long." He looked down. "All it takes is one harsh winter and poof- they're gone." 

I sighed, feeling myself frown. "I understand. It's a hard time in someone's life. I'm aware that you probably came here to sleep. Would you like me to leave?" I asked.

He chuckled. "Yeah, man. It was nice talking to you though. If you're in town again, you know where to find me?"

"Of course." I nodded. "I have more things for you if you'd like? I found that keeping myself presentable helped sometimes." I handed him my plastic bag. "I don't mean to offend-"

He picked out the travel sized razors, deodorant, shampoo and soaps. "Nah man, it's thoughtful. No one really thinks of this stuff. Sure you ain't some sorta angel?"

I huffed out a laugh as he did the same. "I hope you can get out of the cold, John." 

"Yeah, man me too." He held his hand out for me to shake. I took it, using some of my grace to heal his rattling lung cough and his aching joints."See you around, Cas." 

I headed back to the store and bought the same items again, the clerk looking at me like I was odd this time. I ignored it. If I was quick I would get back to the motel an hour or so before either of the brothers woke up, meaning I could bring breakfast for them and they'd be in a good mood the entire drive back to Kansas. 

I found the second person in a bus shelter, she wasn't awake but her dog was. I stroked the dog, animals seemed to take a shine to angels which I found quite helpful.

The woman looked like she was in her early twenties, she hadn't been out here for long by the looks of her but she was certainly run down. I pressed a light touch to her hair, she wasn't injured or sick and for that I was grateful, I just left the plastic bag in between her and her dog and left. I circled back to the store to pick up some dog food and made my way back to her, adding the dog food to the bag before heading back to the motel. 

It was only dawn so I had some time before Sam or Dean would wake up. 

Of course Dean woke up as soon as I entered the room, pointing a gun at me. 

"Oh, hey Cas." He mumbled and sank back down, asleep instantly. 

I rolled my eyes and headed to the bathroom. 

I took pleasure in having showers now, I'd never appreciated them before so the first shower I'd ever had as a human was in a shelter for people who slept outside. It was not enjoyable at all. I hated how the water was too hot on my skin, how my skin was covered with water just like it had been as I walked into the river with the leviathan. I shuddered at the memory. It didn't remind me of that anymore.

A hot shower like this, in a motel bathroom meant that I was most likely with Sam and Dean and they were both my friends and if I found myself in need of a bed I could have one, with multiple pillows and blankets and heating. I would be left alone, no nasty insects, no animals making strange noises, no rats running across my body. Just the occasional noise from either Sam or Dean would disturb me and that I really didn't mind. 

I exited the bathroom even more quietly than before, wishing that I still had my wings so I wouldn't disturb either of their sleep. I managed to get out of the motel without waking either of them and walked the short distance to the diner to get their breakfasts for them. 

I returned just as Sam was waking up. 

"Mornin' Cas." He smiled, stretching. 

"Good morning." I smiled. 

"Morning Sunshine." Dean groaned as he sat up but then he smelt that I'd gotten him bacon and that made him smile at least. "Heaven missing an angel?" He winked. 

I rolled my eyes. 

"Funny." Sam smirked at me. "What's the occasion?" He came to the table and started eating the egg white omelette I'd picked up. 

I shrugged. "Just thought it would be easier than stopping whilst we're on our way back to the bunker." 

"Nice walk, buddy?" Dean asked as he dug in. 

I nodded. "The stars were very clear last night. Helps me think." 

"Whatever gets you in a good enough mood to bring me my bacon is good enough for me." He grinned and sipped his coffee, moaning. 

I smiled at the table. 

It was the little things that helped keep me at peace. 

Helping the people less fortunate that I used to be like and helping my family that was now Dean and Sam Winchester. 

As long as I kept those two worlds separate I would be happy. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Castiel's POV**

Lying to Sam and Dean had always been difficult. 

I hated it each time I'd done it, each time it got worse and worse. I felt worse and worse about it each time I lied to them.

But each time I did lie to them in the past I always thought it was for the right reasons, to save the world, to save them, to save Heaven, to keep everyone safe, to keep them safe. But this reason for lying was simply selfish.

I didn't want to tell them why I was helping these people, I didn't want to tell them why I cared so much.

I was sure they'd call me a dumb ass or something similar. 

So I kept lying. 

Sam had once said that I was a bad liar and I'd fought against it but I was starting to see what he had meant by it. 

Sam was always asking if I wanted company on my late night walks but I always said no because he was about to go to bed, why would he want to leave the bunker or the motel when he was all ready for bed?

I knew he just wanted to know what I was doing on my walks. Sam was always curious about things. I didn't hold that trait against him but I wanted to do this alone.

Sam was also asking me why I was using my fake credit card to buy things now when I usually preferred to use cash. I'd shrugged that question off.

He didn't need to know I was leaving my cash and change with strangers.

It was harder to lie to Dean.

Dean had always trusted me more than Sam did. That was nothing against Sam but it was simply the truth.

Dean knew I was lying to him, I was sure of it. It was in his eyes as he asked me where I was going or how my walks had been.

I lied and said that I was just walking around town and my walks had been very pleasant thank you.

He'd get this look on his face like he wanted to challenge me, but he had no proof of where I'd been or what I'd been doing. 

I was known in Lebanon now with the people sleeping outside. They would look forward to me visiting them and that made me feel warmth. They would never take more than they needed, they knew I'd come back.

There was something simple in the exchange of it all. I wished I was brave enough to tell Sam and Dean so they might even join me in helping these people, that was their job. To help people. But I knew there was a difference.

Otherwise they would have helped me.

But they didn't. 

I quickly shook _that_ thought out of my head before I'd regret it. 

I didn't hold it against either of them. I understood that they had bigger things going on and overall I came out of it okay. 

But maybe they just didn't think about people who sleep outside. 

"Hey Cas." I heard a familiar voice. 

I smiled.

Jerry. 

He was one of my favourite people I'd met whilst doing this. 

It was getting late in the night, most people would be asleep by now. I could speak to Jerry for a while. 

"Hello, Jerry. How are you?" 

"I'm peachy, dude." He held his hand up and I helped him stand, subtly healing his twisted ankle and abscess in his mouth. "Not seen you in a while, where've you been?"

"I'm sorry." I handed him the carrier bag that I'd brought for him. "I was working with my friends out of state, my friend was injured so I had to stay with him for a while. Make sure he was okay." 

I wasn't lying to Jerry, he just didn't need to know that we'd been on a vampire case and Dean had gotten a nasty concussion and refused to let me heal him for two days. Then finally he did. But we'd been in California so it took days to get home after that. I quickly calculated that it had been three weeks since I'd been in Kansas. 

"Ah, it's no bother. I was about to file a missing persons." He winked, he was joking. 

I smiled. "No need, I assure you. Have you been getting enough to eat?" I asked when he started digging into the sandwiches I'd bought. 

He nodded. "The soup kitchen feeds us good, man. It's just you can only get a meal a day and sometimes I'm just not there in time." He sighed. 

I frowned. "Soup kitchen? I wasn't aware there was one in this town." 

He chuckled. "It's real quiet, so it doesn't get too many fakers." 

"Why would someone pretend to not have a home?" I scrunched my eyebrows. 

Jerry rolled his eyes as we walked. "People are greedy, man. Snatching anything they can get, they know how people who work there are people who'll just give everything they got. Like you do, Cas. So they take." 

"That's awful." I sighed. "I wasn't aware. Why would they take something when there are others who need it to survive just another week?"

_Seeing Dean hurt like a knife twisting in my chest._

_I thought I wanted to see Dean but I wished he had never come, I missed him so much more now that he'd gone._

_I never even asked him any of my questions, I found myself reacting angrily to the things he said to me._

_He was implying that I was so much above being a sales associate at the Gas'n'Sip with Nora but I knew that I wasn't. I didn't have the resources to do anything else._

_I had no transport, no weapons other than my angel blade, no fake credit cards, no fake identification apart from the one FBI badge Dean had given me years ago, I hated that I'd kept that now. I had no way of being a hunter and helping people like I used to. I couldn't get a 'better' job with no knowledge of humans working. Especially with no experience. I knew that if I asked that Dean would just tell me to lie. But with all of my sins stacked on top of one another, how could I add more lies to that list?_

_I couldn't do it._

_Instead of that I tried to tell him everything in the store I was responsible for, I'd come so far from sleeping in the park and eating out of dumpsters all the time. It was only three times a week now._

_But he didn't care. He didn't want to know any of that. He was rolling his eyes at me._

_Maybe I hadn't come that far at all._

_At least not to him. And he was who mattered. Right?_

_But the way he teased and joked at everything I said was hurting, it was irritating me more now that I was a human. Could he not see that I was trying my best to survive without him here?_

_And I was doing it. But he didn't care about that. He just wanted me to be my old self again._

_I wanted that too._

_I figured that whilst he was here it wouldn't hurt to ask him one question. During the case the questions were racing around in my head._

_-Why didn't you call?_

_-Does Sam hate me? Why isn't he here?_

_-Can I come back to the bunker yet? I promise I won't take up too much space and I don't eat much_

_-How much weight is too much to lose in a short period of time?_

_-Are you and Sam really okay or are you doing the human thing and saying that you're fine when you're really not?_

_-Will I ever be allowed to come back to the bunker?_

_-How do I earn more money? The Gas'n'Sip doesn't pay enough for accommodation._

_-Is it bad for your physical health to sleep on a floor?_

_-Can a cough really 'rattle your lungs'?_

_-How often should I be eating?_

_-Is it normal to have so much anxiety?_

_-Is it normal to find myself crying at least once a week?_

_-Is it normal to constantly have pain in my chest?_

_-Is it normal to feel like everything is falling apart?_

_-I feel weaker every day, I don't think I can survive another week. Help?_

_But the question I'd ended up asking him was "The baby's temperature is too high, what do I do?"_

_It was a waste of an opportunity. Dean had laughed and came over with the medicine. But ended up being in a fight with Ephriam and I. What a pathetic fight it was too. Ephriam described my own pain to me and I knew that Dean was on his way, if Dean heard any of this I would be even lower in his eyes. Nothing but dirt on his shoe. It hurt more than ever when I reminisced about raising him from Hell and those days. He looked at me with wonder that first few months of knowing him. Sometimes even with respect. That slowly fizzled out but he always respected me as an equal at least. That's all I wanted._

_I couldn't be what Ephriam was describing. Not to Dean. I wouldn't allow Dean to think of me that way. But Ephriam was right._

_Of course he was right._

_Dean must have seen that in me too, the next day he told me I should stay working at the Gas'n'Sip. I'd gone lower and lower in the 48 hours we'd seen each other._

_I felt like praying to another Rit Zien, I knew all of their names. Maybe they could help me._

_I didn't want to 'Adapt' like Dean had said._

_I wanted this nightmare to be over._

_Somehow I survived another week and another and another._

_But with each week that passed the pain only got worse._

_What hurt the most was even after everything that had happened, I missed Dean._

_I wished he would come back, even if it was just to tease me and look at me with pity._

_I'd take it to stop feeling like this._

Jerry sighed. "People, man. They're corrupt. You should come to the soup kitchen though, it'd be great to see you during the day. You could bring those friends of yours?"

I shook my head. "They wouldn't want to. I'll come." 

He broke into a grin. "That's great man. They're online, here pass me your phone." 

Dean had always said to not give my phone to people on the street who asked to borrow it but Jerry was my friend and we were in a park so I gave it to him. 

Jerry did some typing on my phone and handed it back to me. "Just call them tomorrow morning and ask if you can volunteer. I'll be there and I'm sure a few others from around will be too. It'll be good." 

I nodded. "It does sound better than keeping you awake all night." 

He chuckled. "Hey, I always get a motel room out of it right?" He winked.

I tilted my head, was he joking? That he didn't need one today? If he was then I understood the wink but judging by the state that his face and hands were in, he hadn't washed in the three weeks I'd been gone and wasn't eating much either. So surely he did need the motel room?

"Unless y-you can't man, I mean it's fine if-"

"Of course." I handed him the cash for the motel tonight. I still didn't understand the need for the wink but at least he'd be clean and warm for a day. 

"You're honestly a God send. So I'll see you tomorrow?" He asked, a hand on my shoulder. 

"I'll call the soup kitchen." I nodded. 

Jerry made his way to the motel across town whilst I wandered to a park bench, observing the sun rising. 

A hand landed on my shoulder, it shocked me so I jerked away, raising a fist. 

I hadn't turned yet and I didn't plan to, whoever it was could have a weapon. They didn't breathe like a monster, the breathing was normal. The weight of the hand on my shoulder was normal, familiar even. 

I heard Dean's laugh then. I relaxed. 

"What are you doing here?" I asked, panicked that he'd been here long enough to see me handing Jerry money. 

"Could ask you the same thing." Dean sighed and sat beside me on the bench. "You're usually home by six; it's almost eight." 

"The sunrise is remarkable." I commented, still looking at it. 

Dean hummed. "I guess so. This what you do then, huh? Just come and watch the sky?" 

I nodded. 

Dean's lips thinned, I turned back to the sun. 

"Y'know I'll find out what you're really doing." He grumbled. 

"Why do you care?" I rolled my eyes. "It's not like it's affecting you in any way. You're asleep when I go out." 

Dean sighed. "I get worried, alright. Hanging around in parks all night? Anyone could be out here." 

"I'm sure that you and I are the most dangerous things here." I smirked at him. 

Dean tipped his head back, smiling. "I guess you're right, buddy. Look, you want time to yourself, that's fine. Do whatever but just be careful, alright?" 

"I am careful. I was ready to punch you in the throat." I reminded him with a smile, knowing exactly how he'd react. I knew him better than I'd known anyone. 

Dean gasped just like I expected he would, that made me smile. "You were gonna go for a throat punch?" He teased. 

"I find it's rather effective." 

"You're not wrong, they hurt like a bitch." He laughed, his breath turning into mist in the cold air. "C'mon, let's go home. It's freezing out here." Dean rubbing his hands together as he stood up.

"Yeah, it is." I nodded, but my entire body was warm. 

I didn't know if it was my grace warming me or the fact that Dean had said _home._

I loved having a place to go to and I relished that the place I could go to was the bunker with Sam and Dean.

I was so lucky.


	3. Chapter 3

**Castiel's POV**

Getting out of the bunker proved to be more difficult than I'd thought. 

Sam wanted me to help him with translating some of the ancient books in the bunker, it was supposed to be my job but since we'd been away for weeks I'd neglected it. Sam wanted to learn more. But I'd already promised Jerry I would help at the soup kitchen and I didn't want to let Jerry down. On the other hand the amount of times that I'd let Sam down was too many to count. 

"C'mon man, I feel like we haven't had any down time in months. It'd be good to just do some translating." Sam sighed. 

"We don't need them right now, surely it can wait until later." I tried to protest. 

"You got somewhere better to be?" Dean asked, sitting at the library table with his coffee. 

I shook my head. "No, I just need to go out for a while." 

"Angel stuff?" Sam raised an eyebrow. 

I shook my head but regretted it instantly. Now I'd have no real excuse. 

"Then what is it? You're sick of us?" Dean asked with a smile but I saw in his eyes he was serious. 

"Of course not." I frowned, how could he even think that? 

"Then stay. Translate with Sam. You've been out all night." Dean huffed. 

"Fine." I grit my teeth and sat down, pulling up a book. 

They both grinned. 

I liked spending time with them like this. It was relaxing to be wanted, to be useful. Neither of them could translate the languages in the books and it was difficult to use the internet sometimes as it wasn't accurate enough. But I was itching to keep my promise to Jerry. He'd be upset with me if I didn't go and help at the soup kitchen, I didn't want another person to think of me as someone who couldn't be trusted. I was sure that Sam and Dean both still thought of me as untrustworthy. But Jerry trusted me. He had trusted me for months. I couldn't break the trust, not when I'd promised. 

Sam and Dean would yell at me for leaving without an explanation but I was sure I could think of something on the way. I waited until Dean left to go to the bathroom. 

"Sam?" 

"Yeah?" Sam looked up from the translating code I'd made for him, in his own words it was "More confusing than Game of Thrones" and gave him a headache but it worked. 

"I think we do actually need your laptop, there's a symbol here that I'm unsure of." I lied. It was a small lie. I detested it just as much I would a bigger lie. It would still drop my trust. 

Sam leaned over and looked at the symbol, scrunching his eyebrows. "I'm sure I've seen that somewhere, hang on, I'll get my laptop." He stood up and headed towards his room. 

I took my opportunity, wasting no time and leaving the bunker. 

I deliberated over taking my car or walking into town. 

Walking would take a lot longer and I would risk them finding me if they came out to search for me. Also I had no change of clothes on my person, I did have a change of clothes in the trunk of my car. 

But if I did take my car and they noticed my car was gone that would end up worrying them that I wouldn't come back. As much as they teased my car I loved it and they knew that. They knew that I wouldn't leave it behind, I think that's why they weren't too concerned when I went for a walk. They knew I'd come back for the car. As long as I was coming back I was being useful to them.

I had my powers and I had my knowledge.

I wouldn't be cast out again.

My car would get me into town faster and I could change my clothes and I would be back at the bunker faster. The only risk of getting caught would be if they checked the traffic cameras. But if I sent Dean a text telling him I would be back at the bunker soon I doubted they'd bother to check. 

I quickly got into my car and started it up. 

Sam would be confused on why I left at first, he'd spend around five to ten minutes shouting for me and looking for me in the bunker. Probably thinking that I got distracted and wandered off, they were both always teasing me for that aspect of my personality. Then Dean would help him look and that would take another five to ten minutes. Then they would text me. They would wait fifteen minutes for a response. Then they would call me a few times. After that they would wait another ten minutes before giving up and becoming angry at me. 

That gave me at the least thirty five minutes to get as far away from the bunker as I could. I turned my phones GPS tracking off, I knew Dean wouldn't like that but he wouldn't like what I was doing even more. He always told me I needed to forget about my time as a human. I was better now. 

_"Living like this, man. It's hard. But it teaches you a lot." A man on the street sighed._

_We were sharing what we'd found in the dumpster together. It was three slices of barely mouldy bread and a can of beans. A real feast for us. It was raining and we were both shivering through our sodden clothes but at least we were getting a wash._

_"What could it possibly teach us?"I asked, confused._

_The man broke into a smile. "Teaches you about humanity. I promise you, if either of us ever get outta this life we'll never look at another person the same as we did before. It's not all black and white anymore."_

_"I agree." I sighed. "I used to think that every choice that people made brought them to their situations but hearing some of the stories of people I realise that it's almost never their fault what has happened. Sometimes people are just unlucky."_

_"If it wasn't for bad luck, people like us would have no luck at all." The man chuckled. "No one deserves to be sat out here freezing and starving to death. Slowly. That's the killer y'know. As people we're hardwired to wanna survive so bad. Even if you don't actually wanna keep on going your body forces you to. Forces you to find cardboard to sleep on, find mouldy food to eat. But it's still gonna kill us both. It'll be winter soon. Me n' you, pal. We ain't gonna make it that long. I can see it in you."_

_I felt his words twisting my stomach into knots, this couldn't be what killed me. I was supposed to be an angel I wasn't even supposed to die. The only acceptable ways of dying in Heaven was in battle, even then, only the weakest of angels would allow themselves to be hurt in battle. I was never one of the weaker angels. I was chosen to recuse the righteous man from Hell. And now I was here, the righteous man didn't want me anymore. Heaven had cast me out and that was my fault. Sam didn't even say goodbye to me. Maybe this was the right way for me to die then. Maybe I didn't deserve a glorious death on the battle field._

_"I'm sorry, pal. It's the truth. You don't have anyone who could take you in 'til you got back on your feet?" The man asked, looking at me with pity. The way that Naomi used to look at me._

_I shook my head and handed him the rest of the beans. "I'm not hungry."_

_"You barely had a spoon." He tried handing it back._

_I shook my head. "I'm really not hungry." I didn't understand why but the thought of forcing food down my throat caused bile to rise up and the feelings of guilt and shame to rise up through me from my stomach._

_The man huffed. "Suit yourself, it's your funeral."_

_I stared ahead as I heard him eating quickly, probably in case I would change my mind. I hadn't eaten in at least three days but my thoughts were more clear than they ever had been._

_I was better than I ever had been, even like this._

_This was the lowest I'd ever physically been. No wings, no grace, no food, no shelter, no friends, no family._

_Yet I understood so much more than I ever had._

_Humans were beautiful creatures._

_The most beautiful that my Father had ever created._

_Yet they were selfish. It wasn't their fault of course. That's just how they were created._

_I was selfish too._

_I'd always thought of myself as above others but this was clearly my lesson._

_I wasn't above anyone._

_I was just the same, trying my best to survive in a world that everyone else was simply trying to survive in._

_This in itself was a battle._

_If I died here I would be content with that. At least it would be a battle that I was proud of fighting in. Fighting for survival._

_Not fighting for Michael or Raphael's petty disagreements._

_I was proud of who I was._

Dean was rarely wrong. But he was wrong about how I was better as an angel than a human. As a human things were more complicated yet so much more simple. I shook the thoughts out of my head and parked in a parking lot outside of a diner.

I headed inside and changed my clothes quickly, I had realised quickly that people living outside didn't trust people who wore a suit and tie. They thought I was an undercover law enforcement officer.The jeans that I'd worn as a human actually fit me now, my grace had replaced the weight that I'd lost, the sweater that I'd worn when I had the rattling cough was my personal favourite and what I usually wore when I wasn't wearing my usual clothes, the purple stripes somehow being a comfort to me, a reminder of simpler and more humble times in my life. 

**_Cas where the hell are you?_** Dean started to pray and I felt his longing like a knife in my chest. **_You could have just said that you didn't want to translate, no need to go MIA on us. I thought we were over the vanishing act? Dammit Cas call me._**

"Hey Cas!" I heard Jerry's familiar voice as I approached the soup kitchen. "You made it." 

"Of course, I didn't have time to call ahead I was busy." I sighed, would they still let me help them out? 

"That's cool, I'm pretty sure Cindy will talk to you. I've already told her about you. She's a big fan." Jerry grinned, putting a hand on my shoulder and guided me inside the small room. 

The room was small and bare, the walls had almost nothing on them apart from Health code flyers and warnings about crime in the area. But it was filled with tables and chairs, all clearly donated as none of them quite matched each other unlike in the bunker where every single piece of furniture matched and never seemed out of place no matter what room you'd put it in. There must of been around fifty people in the room too. All different ages and races. I didn't realise just how bad Lebanon was for people living outside. How had I not seen most of these people before? Of course there were some familiar faces among the crowd. 

"I'm gonna guess you're Cas?" A woman interrupted my thinking. "I'm Cindy, Jerry has told me all about you." 

I nodded and looked across to her. She seemed to be a similar age to Jerry, early thirties. She had clean and tidy auburn hair, the same colour as the leaves in the fall. Her face was happy, she wore a big smile with bright red lipstick but I saw an all too familiar sadness in her eyes. 

"Hello, it's nice to meet you." I reached out to shake her hand, putting a smile on my face. "Are you the leader here?" I asked. 

She nodded. "We don't really like to say leader here though. But I do organise this I suppose. You're wanting to help out?"

"Yes." I nodded back with a smile. 

More than anything. If I couldn't help Heaven anymore and Sam and Dean clearly didn't need me as much as they used to when Heaven and Hell were both after them I could help the people who were the most in need. 

"Sounds super. You got any experience in cooking, Cas?"

"Not much, but I can learn. I'd be happy to research." 

She broke into a grin. "I'll give you some recipes to take away huh? How about today I just show you around. You can see what we do here." 

I nodded. 

**_Cas, I swear turn your damn GPS on now, I don't care what you're doing just don't fucking ignore me._ **

I sighed at Dean's prayer. 

"Everything okay?" Cindy asked. 

"May I use your restroom?" I made up the excuse quickly, people didn't argue with that excuse to leave. 

"Course, Just outside of that door." She smiled and pointed the correct way. 

"I'll only be two minutes." I assured her and waited until I was inside a stall to pull my phone out and call Dean. 

"Cas what the hell?" Dean growled. 

"I'm busy. I tried to tell you but you didn't take no for an answer so I left." 

Dean was quiet, I could hear his breathing coming out in steadily. Careful. "Right. A-are you coming back?"

"Of course I am. I am allowed right?" I bit my lip, maybe this was another last straw. 

"Are you stupid? Just- For the love of- Cas. When are you gonna be done whatever you're doing?" 

"Does that mean I'm allowed to come back?" I questioned, unsure.

I'd always thought I'd understood Dean but when he was angry I almost never understood his motives, I'm not even sure that he did. 

"Obviously, dumb ass. Text me when you're on your way home." He huffed.

"Alright Dean." I smiled. 

There was that word again. 

_Home._

I turned my phone back onto silent but I still didn't put my GPS on, the last thing I needed was for Dean to come storming in here and dragging me out in front of all these people who needed my help. That was not the thing I wanted. 

Cindy had waited for me and smiled when I returned. 

"Have you ever been to a place like this before?"

_"Where are we going?" I asked the woman, Jane I think her name was._

_"Soup kitchen, Dumbo." She pulled on my arm. I felt a pained twinge that she had the strength to physically move me in a way that only angels and the occasional demon had been able to. I bit my tongue so I wouldn't complain about it._

_"What's that?" I asked._

_She scoffed at me. "You're really that dumb?"_

_"I'm sorry." I turned to leave, great. Another disappointment._

_"Hey, no. I'm sorry. I just- you're just a kid. C'mon." She tugged my arm again. "You need a damn meal."_

_I supposed that I did look young to her, she must of been in her late seventies. " I don't have the money to purchase a meal."_

_Even though she was clearly in a similar position to me I still felt the shame of admitting it. It had been four weeks and six days since I left D....Kansas. I had eaten a few times but it was clearly not enough._

_My body was failing. It hurt and ached all over but I shouldn't whine about it. Dean says that it's babies who whine. I didn't want to disappoint him by whining, even if he wasn't here anymore._

_He'd call soon and I'd be able to tell him that I wasn't whining._

_That I was doing okay. I would lie. I hated lying so much but if it made Dean happy I would lie for the rest of my life._

_Jane and I stood outside a large hall filled with people who looked just like we did, with big bags on their backs, clothes that were too lose and dirty, hair that was too long, beards that hadn't been trimmed. But they were all smiling. All of them were smiling at one another, sharing stories and passing along food across the tables. There were a few people who clearly weren't sleeping outside like we were but they had the same smiles on their faces too. They were sharing stories and passing food along._

_I felt myself smile for the first time since..._

_"Okay kid, you go up to that man there. Tell him what you need and he's gonna help you out." She pointed to a man in his fifties, he had a fresh hair cut, was clean shaven and had on nice fitting clothes, not one stain on any of them. I was jealous, I pushed the feeling down but shame rose above the jealousy. I couldn't ask for help from this man, he didn't need to share my burden._

_After what happened the last time I was around a group of people who lived outside; I shouldn't be around them again. But I was fully warded now. I had my angel blade still. I felt like I could maybe be strong enough to deal with my brothers. It depended on how many came. But my head was already spinning. I would be no use in a fight. These people were in danger by me being there. I turned to try and leave but Jane's surprisingly strong hands stopped me._

_"No, look at me kid." She stared back at me, her brown eyes were the saddest I'd ever seen in my life. I wanted to help but I couldn't do anything. "You're not gonna survive out there, you gotta accept this help. Just once, please. I won't sleep if I know you go back out there without a meal today. Do an old lady a favour?"_

_I sighed. She didn't know I was wanted by my brothers and sisters, she didn't know what I'd done. She shouldn't know either. She'd be disgusted with herself for trying to help me. I should accept the help and leave immediately after, I wouldn't tell Dean I'd received help either. Dean would almost never ask for help. Not for survival anyway. He'd figure it out himself. Dean was good like that. He didn't need to know that I required this help._

_Jane pushed me towards the man who introduced himself as Daniel. He had a kind smile and kind eyes, he didn't look at me with pity like the people walking their dogs in the park did. He looked at me like I was a person, just like anyone else. I felt the now familiar burning sensation in my eyes. I hated not knowing why that kept happening for the strangest reasons._

_"How about we get you a hot meal, huh?" He asked._

_I nodded my head lowly. He didn't need to be troubled with my words, he was being kind enough by letting me stay in this hall with him and everyone else._

_Daniel stayed with me for the entire evening, he gave me a meal of soup and a few slices of bread that had no mould on it. I tried my best to savour the food but all too soon it was gone. Daniel gave me his kind smile. "What do you wanna do huh?"_

_"I want to be normal." I sighed after some thought._

_Metatron had told me to lead a normal life before I fell. I rejected it, foolishly thinking that I had a place with Sam and Dean. Maybe Metatron was right. Maybe I should try and be 'normal' since being part of the Winchesters didn't work out._

_Daniel spoke to me some more, he tried to get me to talk to him about what I wanted but I was reluctant to answer. Any time I thought of what I wanted the bunker came into my mind, Sam and Dean at the front of my mind and then Heaven, I wanted to fix my mistakes more than anything but living this way I couldn't. It was all about survival living like this._

_Daniel somehow caught on to what I wanted to do, he took me to the bathroom and he gave me some new clothes. Some dark jeans and a light blue button up shirt. He cut my hair so it wasn't in front of my eyes anymore, he helped me to shave my beard. He seemed amused that I didn't know how. I lied and told him that it had just been a while since I'd had to do that. Daniel asked me if I had a phone, he then put his contact information on my phone and told me that if I needed anything I should contact him or come back to the hall with the soup. I promised him that I would even though I knew that I wouldn't. I didn't deserve his help or his kindness, it was the other people who slept outside who deserved it. He told me that there were a few places in town that were hiring, he said that I could put down a motel as my address until I got some money to get my own place. He insisted that I take a Styrofoam container of soup with me, I tried to refuse but he insisted._

_I left with the second smile I'd had since..._

_I didn't feel as much shame now that I was in clean clothing and no longer smelt._

_When Dean calls I could tell him that I was doing well. I felt better than I had in four weeks and six days._

_Maybe he would be proud._

"Yes, in Idaho." I answered Cindy's question after realising that it had been too long. "I've never been on this side." 

"That's fine, everyone's gotta start somewhere. D'you know who ran the one in Idaho?"

I shook my head. "A man named Daniel looked after me when I went. I'm not sure if he was in charge but he was very kind to me." I smiled, remembering the kindness he showed me and refused anything in return. 

"I think I might know who you mean. Tall guy, dark hair and a nice smile?" Cindy grinned when I nodded, the sadness was still in her eyes. "He's been doing this for decades, his Mom slept rough when she was pregnant with him so it hits close to home." 

I nodded. 

Cindy showed me around the hall, one corner had boxes and boxes of donated clothing, sorted into gender. People were going through the boxes, taking a maximum of two items each and passing the clothing items to one another, asking if the other person would want it. The clothes looked worn out and old. Unwanted. But a lot of the items looked well loved, like the t-shirt that Sam wears to bed, that shirt was old and had a few holes in it but he never replaced it. It was a well loved shirt. Like my purple striped sweater. I wouldn't part with it. It had gotten me through the rattling cough. I could do anything with this purple striped sweater. She showed me the small table that was dedicated to personal hygiene with travel sized deodorants and toothpastes, small razors and feminine hygiene products. It struck me that if this was a store and there was a table of things that were free people would try and take as much as they could. But here people were only taking one of each, there didn't need to be a sign that told people to only take what they needed. Everyone here had the same goal and that was survival. 

I wished I could help someone the way that Daniel had helped me. But I didn't know how to cut hair or shave other people. 

"What's wrong?" Cindy asked. 

"I don't think I'm good enough to help here. You are all so good at what you do. You can cook and take care of these people but- I-I could barely take care of myself and-"

"Hey, you should've left that self doubt at the door where it belongs. You got here, that means that you care about these people. If it turns out that you can't cook, it'd be nice for you to just be here to talk to some people. You look like you've been through the same kinda thing. Jerry says that sometimes you'll sit and talk with him all night. You're more than good enough and you are helping." Cindy squeezed my arm. 

I looked down at her hand and felt myself smile. "Thank you. I'll try my best."

"That's all I ask. C'mon, I'll show you the kitchen." 

I enjoyed my evening with Cindy and the people who sleep outside, I didn't feel like I helped as much as I should of done but I knew that I could help more next time I was able to leave the bunker. Cindy said that it was fine that sometimes I wouldn't be able to come, she said that any time that I could join would mean the world which I thought was an exaggeration but I smiled with her anyway. 

I made the short walk back to my car that was still at the diner, intending to get changed before heading back to the bunker but I saw the impala parked beside mine. Dean was leaning against it with a frown on his face. 

"Hello, Dean." I greeted, walking around him to get my clothes. 

"What's with the get up?" He nodded, standing in my way. 

"My sweater? I like it." 

"It's not a sweater. It's a shirt." Dean grumbled, touching the collar of it with a frown. 

I sighed. "It's warm therefore it's a sweater." 

"Why are you wearing it?" Dean pursed his lips.

"I wanted to." I shrugged and moved to open my door to get my clothes, hopefully he wouldn't block me again. 

"You're taking me for some dinner." He shut my car door and headed to the diner with the frown still on his face. "Before you ask, I checked the traffic cams."

"Fine." I sighed and followed him, I knew I was forgiven for leaving without telling him if he was calm enough to want dinner. It was a win. "Hang on." I called when I saw a man who lived outside sitting outside the diner, seemingly asleep. 

"Why?" He rolled his eyes, turning to me. 

"We need to make sure he's okay." 

Dean rolled his eyes again. "He's probably passed out from booze, Cas. Leave him alone." 

I glared at him. "I'll catch up then." 

Dean huffed but stayed where he was as I knelt in front of the man and shook him awake. 

"I'll move, I'm sorry." He mumbled, starting to stand up. 

"No, it's alright. Are you hungry?"

"You some kinda funny guy? Course I am. When I'm not drinking." He snarked, clearly he thought I was teasing, maybe he had been awake and heard Dean. 

"My apologies, here." I handed him a few notes from my wallet. 

"Cas!" Dean hissed. "I earned that." 

"You gave it to me and I get to decide what to do with it." I argued. "I want this man to have a hot meal." 

"Thank you, pal. You don't understand what this means." The man took the notes from me and struggled to get up, his legs shaky. I gave him a hand and healed his vertigo as he pulled himself up. He gave me another smile as he walked a little straighter heading into the diner. 

I attempted to follow him but Dean held his hand against my chest. "What was that about?" He demanded. 

"He was hungry." I shrugged, moving forward. 

Dean held his hand in place so I stopped, sighing. "He was a drunk, he's probably gonna buy some booze with my hard earned cash." 

"You won it hustling pool, Dean. He won't buy alcohol." 

"What makes you so sure?" Dean raised an eyebrow. 

"I couldn't smell any alcohol on him." 

Dean rolled his eyes. "Probably couldn't smell anything under that piss smell." 

I glowered at him, pushing past his hand and going into the diner. 

"What?" Dean huffed as he followed me. 

If I wasn't sure about telling him what I'd been doing before I certainly wasn't going to tell him now.

I knew that he wouldn't understand.

I knew it. 

I wondered what he'd say if that was still me who was sitting outside, too weak to stand up.

Would he think I was just another dirty, smelly drunk?

Would he care to even find out?

I stared at him as he ate the food in the diner, I refused to speak.

He could be mad at me all he wanted, I couldn't trust my mouth to form the right words.

I'd end up giving myself away, what had happened when I was human and what I was doing now.

Then he would look down on me again once he realised and I would be cast out from the bunker.

I didn't think I could go through that for a second time.

I didn't want to struggle to survive again.

I never wanted that battle. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you're enjoying this.  
> as much as it makes me sad i'm really enjoying writing this, i love getting inside cas' head.  
> anyway, dean does seem like a dick in this chapter and to be fair he seems like a dick in this whole story but don't worry he gets to redeem himself, he has his reasons.  
> loving the feedback i'm getting  
> lotta love  
> C


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bit of a trigger warning for depression here folks  
> cas is a sad boy

**Castiel's POV**

Dean and I hadn't really spoken much since the I went to the soup kitchen for the first time. 

I was upset with him because of the way he'd spoken about that man who slept outside who I now knew was a regular at the soup kitchen, his name was Frank and he wasn't a fan of Dean at all.

And Dean was upset with me because I was keeping secrets but Sam was taking my side even though I wouldn't tell Sam what I was doing either.

Sam seemed to understand my need to have things to do which weren't to do with either him or Dean. That was what I let him believe anyway, it was an easier explanation than the truth so I went with that. Sam had told Dean that he needed to let me have my space just like I would let Dean have his space. 

I was confused for most of the argument but it ended like most arguments in the bunker do, both of them going to their rooms angrily and I would be left in the library trying to make sense over what had just happened.

The next morning Dean didn't seem as angry but he wasn't speaking to me either. I decided to just let him calm down alone, if I interfered he could get angry with me again and that was the last thing that I wanted.

He was happy that I was rarely going out at night anymore. 

I'd only go twice a week, usually on Sunday nights and Thursday nights. Sunday was the one day that the soup kitchen was closed so I would make my way around Lebanon and leave carrier bags just like normal and then find Jerry and talk to him until sunrise. He liked to watch the sunrise with me too. On Thursdays I felt like I should be helping the most due to me being the angel of Thursday, so I would spend all morning in thrift stores buying as many clothing items as I could then I would head to the soup kitchen and help Cindy to set up with the other volunteers. We stayed open late on Thursdays too which made it just seem like it was meant to be as Sam would say. 

If we had no cases then I would be at the soup kitchen every Monday, Thursday and Friday. It meant that my week was split up fairly evenly between the bunker and helping the people who lived outside. After a few weeks of my new routine Sam and Dean hardly asked any questions on where I was going or what I was doing and I started to talk to Dean again. We didn't mention our argument again. We acted like we'd both forgotten about it. But I hadn't forgotten. 

I made sure I'd walk to the soup kitchen now and I'd keep my GPS off until I got back to the bunker. Dean had no way of tracking me unless he followed me and I would be able to hear him if he did try that. So he didn't and neither did Sam. They went about their business. 

But then a case came up on a Wednesday night. 

We'd be gone until at least Friday night. 

I was conflicted because Thursday is supposed to be the day that I help people the most, I'd bring new clothes and I was even helping out in the kitchen now and I'd read to the children who were sleeping outside with their parents. But on the other hand there was a vampire nest that needed to be dealt with, people were dying. 

Sam saw that I wanted to say no and said that he and Dean would be able to handle it but Dean argued. 

He asked me to come to his room. 

I knew it was so that Sam wouldn't hear him. 

I prepared myself to be thrown out of the bunker again.

I truly thought it wouldn't happen again but I always had that little bit of doubt in my mind.

Dean looked the exact same as he did that day, annoyed, upset and guilty. He didn't want Sam to hear him telling me to go that day either. That solidified it in my head.

I wouldn't be as upset this time I decided before it could start to hurt but I wasn't convincing myself, the familiar pain in my chest was resurfacing, itching its way around my chest until it started to scratch a hole.

_no no no no no_

_Not_ _again_

_No_

The hole used to be gaping, it used to be a struggle to breathe sometimes with how large and festering the obviously not real wound was.

It was of course in my mind, but I felt it. I knew that the scratch would open the wound again, the hole would be gaping as soon as Dean would start speaking. 

"Level with me here man, what's going on?"

I felt the shock on my face, my eyebrows raised, my eyes were wide. I could even feel that my mouth was open. 

"What do you mean?" I asked cautiously. 

Dean frowned. "I know we don't always see eye to eye, Cas but lately- you've been acting weird. I'm worried okay?" 

I tilted my head. 

What did he have to be worried about? I'd already assured him that what I was doing wasn't harmful to any human, angel or demon. I'd assured him that I would be back at the bunker at the same time every Monday and Friday. Thursdays he wouldn't see me at all. He knew I would be on my walks on Sundays. He said he was fine with it all as long as when it was late at night I'd keep my location on just in case and I always did that. I didn't understand what he could possibly be worried about. 

"You're tryin' to figure out if you can skip whatever you do tomorrow ain't you?" He sighed. "I know that it's your day or whatever so I leave you to it, but this nest- I think we're gonna need you, man. Can you skip whatever it is just this once?" 

I bit my lip. "You're not kicking me out?" 

Dean's eyebrows furrowed. "Dammit Cas, why'd you always think that?" 

"Sorry." I quickly apologised when he became angry. 

He quickly made himself stay still and breath through his nose, closing his eyes. "Look, I know that I shoulda never made you leave but-"

"It's okay." I tried, I didn't want this conversation, it was picking at my chest. I could feel the gaping hole approaching. 

"No, I never-" Dean grit his teeth and finally opened his eyes, looking directly into mine. "I was just trying to protect Sammy, I-I should have figured it out better, told you in a better way." 

"It's fine." I set my jaw and looked away, I wouldn't let the hole open back up. 

"It wasn't fine, I get it alright. I get that I hurt you bad by doing that, but please stop thinking-just get it outta your head that I'd ever do it again. Please." He leaned down so his eyes caught mine again and he held my gaze. "I promise I'll never do it again, this is your home, buddy. Just as much as its mine and Sam's. I don't want you to always be thinking that, Cas. Please?" 

I thought over his words as I looked at him, his eyes had sadness in them. He was hurting over this and he was telling the truth. The longing that he was feeling was hurting my chest, it gnawed on the scratching hole, I didn't know if it was protecting me or making the scratching worse.

I didn't want to find out. 

"I'm sorry." I sighed. "I didn't mean to upset you." 

Dean smiled softly. "No, I'm sorry, man." He held his arms out and I accepted his hug, it soothed the scratching and the longing. "So can you help on this hunt or do I need to call another hunter?" 

"I suppose I can do my things another day instead." 

Dean grinned and pulled out of the embrace. "You have no idea how happy that makes me. Get your things packed and be at the car in ten?" 

I nodded and left down the hall to go to my room. 

It was only 6pm. The kitchen would be opening. 

I called Cindy. 

"Hi Cas. What's up?"

"Something has come up with my friends, I'll be out of town for a couple of days so is it possible that next week I do Monday through to Thursday?"

"Of course. I'll let Jerry know not to expect a late night talk." She chuckled. 

"Thank you, Cindy. My apologies." 

"It's fine, Cas. Have fun with your friends." 

I hung up the phone, hating that the guilt was still in my stomach. I hated that I seemed to keep the emotions once I became an angel again. But I suppose that it did help and it made me a better person, it only made decisions a lot harder now. 

"Ready?" Dean knocked on my door with a grin that seemed to of not gone away. 

It made me smile too. 

"Of course." I picked up my bag and followed him to the car. 

_"Ready?" Dean asked as he walked to the impala._

_I stood leaning against the trunk, trying to take in my surroundings, I hoped I'd see the bunker again but judging by Dean's words I couldn't. I was too dangerous._

_"Of course." I nodded at him._

_"I uh- I got you some stuff to uh- keep you going until you get on your feet y'know?" Dean handed me a rucksack, it was a dark brown one which had a few holes and a worn out strap but it had a few items inside._

_I looked up at Dean and he nodded, telling me it was okay for me to open it._

_I tried to stop my hands from shaking, my chest was hurting so awfully._

_It felt like someone was scratching me right above my heart._

_Dean took the bag from my shaking hands and opened it for me, setting it down on the trunk of the car._

_"It's uh-it's all I got for now." He scratched the back of his head. "But you got a bit of food, some money in there that should last you a little."_

_"What's that?" I asked, hating how shaky my voice was as I noticed the envelope._

_Dean's cheeks went pink as he picked it up. "It's a bus ticket, buddy. I uh- I had to print it off. Should get you outta town."_

_"I can't stay in Lebanon?" I asked and took the envelope, trying to steady my hands._

_Dean sighed._

_Opening the envelope and seeing the bus ticket._

_Oh._

_Idaho._

_I wasn't allowed to stay in Kansas, Dean really didn't want me close._

_Not even just in case._

_"Cas-" He started but there wasn't anything to say._

_I shook my head._

_"It's okay, I understand." I lied and zipped the bag back up, getting into the car._

_I didn't understand why this was happening at all and I didn't understand why Sam wasn't coming either._

_Me and Sam were friends right?_

_I hated everything about this._

_It all just felt so wrong._

_Nothing about anything felt right to me. I thought it did for the hour I was inside the bunker._

_I was the happiest I'd been in a while._

_I had so many ideas and plans on how I could fix things from there, especially with the amount of books and resources._

_I clearly wasn't thinking that I would be putting Sam and Dean in danger._

_But they'd be able to put the angel warding back up since I was a human, they'd be safe from angel attacks._

_I truly didn't understand. And it was hurting._

_Dean didn't speak on the way to the bus station and neither did I._

_My chest was slowly getting more and more painful, the scratching seemed to be tearing a hole now._

_I wanted to ask Dean what was happening but when I tried I felt my eyes starting to burn so I closed my mouth again._

_As soon as he hugged me before leaving I felt the scratching get worse still, tearing a gaping hole in my chest._

_I wanted to ask Dean before he would leave but he'd already gone._

I blinked away the burning in my eyes as we drove, I tried not to look at Dean from my position in the backseat, it reminded me of that conversation too much. He and Sam spoke of the case whilst I stayed quiet in the backseat. It was better now. Dean promised he wouldn't do that again. Maybe the hole wouldn't open again, not as big as it did that day. 

I prayed it wouldn't. 

We arrived in the town that had the vampire's nest by midnight, Sam and Dean both headed to bed right away but I went and did my usual night activities. 

If I couldn't help my friends in Lebanon I would help whoever was living outside here. 

They were nice enough people and it turned out they were useful for the case, they'd had a few of their own go missing but no one cared if they vanished. 

I took three of the people that I'd found and brought them back to the motel, buying them a room for a few nights. That should keep them safe from any vampires. 

I managed to slip into our motel room just as Dean woke up, Sam was already awake sipping his coffee. 

"Nice walk?" He asked. 

"Yeah, I have a few leads actually." 

Sam quirked his eyebrow. "You managed to get leads on the case in the middle of the night?" 

"Did the owls tell you?" Dean teased. 

I huffed. "No, there's more people missing than the police are telling the public. They're saying that there's two missing and four bodies that have shown up. But I found out it's more like six missing and three bodies." 

"Why wouldn't they release that?" Sam asked. 

"Maybe not to scare people?" Dean took a sip of coffee.

"They can't identify the third body but I was told it's probably a woman named Josie Riener, in her early twenties. She's been missing for five days now." 

Dean whistled. "What about the extra four missing people?" 

"John Whittaker, Bethany Franke, Big Doug and Jezza." 

"Big Doug and Jezza?" Sam smirked. "Who'd you get this info from, Cas?"

I rolled my eyes. "A man named Henry. He sleeps outside. The extra people who have gone missing are his friends." 

"I told you not to speak to homeless people, Cas. You never know what they're like." Dean grumbled. 

"You never told me that. You just told me to leave that man alone a few weeks ago. And all _he_ wanted was a hot meal, like I told you." I grit my teeth. 

"You know what I meant. You could've been hurt." Dean narrowed his eyes at me. 

"So everyone that sleeps outside is a dangerous criminal?" I argued. "Are you forgetting that I'm an angel? I can protect myself." 

"Whatever. Don't do it again." Dean waved me off. 

I glowered at him. 

"What is your damn problem?" He yelled, catching my furious expression. 

"You're such a dick." I yelled back and stormed out of the motel room. 

"Nice, Dean." I heard Sam sigh. 

"What? Is he on his angelic period or something?" Dean snapped back.

I headed to the impala and leaned against the trunk, trying to control my breathing. I should be able to just command my body to be calm and my grace should take care of it but it was almost impossible.

How could Dean be so cruel to these people who he knew nothing about? It caused my chest to scratch again.

The wound was threatening to re open and I was terrified of it.

I couldn't have that again. 

"Hey, man." I heard Sam. 

"I don't want to speak to him right now." I muttered, staring at the floor. 

I'd say something stupid which would make him angry and he might leave me here. 

Or buy me another bus ticket. 

I couldn't risk that over a small argument.

"Hey, it's cool. Just me." Sam leaned on the trunk too, giving me a cup of coffee. "Look like you could use that." He nodded to my shaking arms. 

"Thank you." I took it and sipped, it didn't taste the same as it did before but it was soothing. 

"He really struck a nerve in there huh?" Sam asked. 

I shrugged. 

"What's going on with you, Cas? You look like you're about to cry. Dean's a dick but I mean- it's a bit of an overreaction don't you think? He was just trying to look out for you. I know you don't like him treating you like a kid but-"

"It's not that." I snapped before I could stop myself. 

"What is it then?" Sam asked. 

"Nothing." I sighed. 

Dean's words swam around in my head as Sam gave up trying to talk it out of me and instead just stood and drank his coffee with me at his side. Unaware that I was falling apart. I preferred it that way. I could deal with this on my own anyway. 

Dean truly thought that people who slept outside were all dangerous criminals who were going to hurt me.

He didn't even know them. It scratched at my chest worse and worse.

Dean would have never been proud of me when I was a human.

He would have thought I was a dangerous criminal who could only do bad and hurt people.

He wouldn't have been impressed by my progress. 

_I'd been sat at the park bench all day, waiting for my phone to ring._

_I'd wanted to tell Dean about my new job at the Gas 'n' Sip._

_He would be happy for me._

_I was sure of it. He would say well done. If he was here he might even give me a pat on the back._

_How I longed for it, just a little connection._

_I had barely spoken to anyone in months, not one person who knew my name. I'd been giving people the fake name of Steve. It was smarter than going by my real name. I knew that._

_I wondered if Dean would think I was being smart by doing that or if he would think it was unnecessary. The last person I'd spoken to was the lady called Nora who managed the Gas'n'sip and that was last week when she called my to tell me that I had the job and I could start in a week. I'd been so happy that I'd wanted to call Dean right away but he was busy so I left him alone after our small conversation but now it was only a day before I was to start my job and I had so many questions._

_I was even going to go to the soup kitchen tonight when it opens to have a wash and shave, I had to go there since stores didn't take too kindly to people who slept outside washing in their restrooms. I was excited to look presentable like I did at my interview two weeks ago when Daniel had helped to clean me up. He was the one who gave me the confidence to get the job at the Gas'n'Sip. I was thankful to him and wanted to tell Dean how kind he'd been. I wanted to tell Dean everything that had happened. I didn't feel the shame anymore because in a months time I would not be sleeping in the park, I would be looking for accommodation with my new wage from the Gas'n'Sip._

_But he didn't call._

_Not yet._

_I wouldn't lose hope._

_"Hello." I heard a child say as she ran up to my bench and sat down._

_I smiled. "Hello." I gave her a wave._

_She grinned. "Are you watching the birds too?" She asked._

_"Yes, that one right there has been here all day." I pointed out the bird that had been keeping me company._

_"What's his name?"_

_I shrugged. I'd never thought to give a bird a name. "I don't think he has one, you could name him?"_

_"Olivia!" A woman screeched._

_I flinched at the sudden sound. Pulling me out of the trance of having a real conversation with somebody who just wanted company. I'd missed that so much._

_"Get here now!"_

_The little girl jumped off my bench and waved as she ran to her mother._

_"What were you doing speaking to that man?" She hissed. "He could have hurt you!"_

_"I wouldn't hurt your daughter." I sighed as she passed._

_She scoffed and turned her nose up at me. "Yeah, sure you wouldn't you weirdo. No good nobody. Never look at her again or I'm calling the cops, throw scum like you in the cells."_

_The shame that I was so sure had gone came rushing back, making the hole in my chest rip even wider than before._

_I didn't even feel the hot stinging in my eyes, I just felt the hot tears fall from them as I stood up and walked quickly in the other direction, gasping for breath._

_Something inside me broke._

_I couldn't stop._

_I hid behind a tree on the outskirts of the park, a hand over my mouth so I didn't attract any unwanted attention._

_I had never met that woman in my life and she already thought so low of me._

_Her words span around and around in my head until I realised._

_She was probably right._

_I was no good._

_I was a weirdo._

_I belonged in the cells._

_I was glad Dean didn't call after all._

"Hey Cas? You good?" Sam had a hand on my shoulder. 

I nodded quickly. 

"I must have overreacted. I need to apologise to Dean." 

I knew Dean had said he wouldn't kick me out of the bunker again but there was no way I'd take the risk again. If my chest was already opening back up now there's no telling how bad it would be if he really did tell me to leave again. 

Dean stared at me strangely but accepted my apology and we got along with the case like nothing had happened but the scratching was getting worse, I was terrified it would tear open again. 

Luckily the case was an easy one, we were back at the bunker by Saturday so I did an extra day at the soup kitchen. It helped soothe the scratching in my chest. 

I tried to imagine Dean being here with me at the soup kitchen and bit back a laugh. 

He'd be appalled by the amount of 'danger' in the room and the 'stink' of it. 

I hated that I could never share this with him, it made me happy, helping these people. He shared with me what made him happy but I couldn't share this. 

I'd have to explain and if I explained he'd look at me the same as he looked at my friends here. 

My relationship with Dean had become so complicated since he'd told me to leave. 

Sam and I were fine, he was unaware of what Dean had said to me. He'd apologised for not realising of course. 

And now Dean had too but it still didn't fix us. There was tension and complications. I knew we would need to talk about it but every time it almost happened he'd either shut it down or I would because my chest would begin to hurt. But it was going to get more and more complicated if we carried on like we were.

I couldn't do it.

I wasn't strong enough. 

I pushed thoughts of Dean aside and started preparing the vegetables for the next batch of soup.

This I could do.

It wasn't complicated.

It was simply me helping out my friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah so cas isn't dealing well at all  
> dean is also being a dick  
> now i know that dean doesn't have anything against homeless people but this is how most people treat people who are homeless, stay away from them, they could be dangerous. you don't know who they are etc. and honestly I don't think anyone would be happy with their loved ones going outside in the dead of the night to speak to strangers. so i think deans reaction in this chapter is normal, but is sam gonna figure it out? he's a smart boy. tune in soon to find out.  
> hope you're enjoying!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why but this chapter literally took me hours to write. I wrote and re wrote so many times I just couldn't get it right. But I think it turned out okay.  
> I'm being blown away by this feedback guys, honestly can't thank you all enough.  
> New chapter will be out in the next couple of hours  
> lotta love  
> C

**Castiel's POV**

The hole in my chest was ripping, every single time that Sam or Dean raised their voices or got irritated by something whether it was me, each other, a case or something completely different I felt the scratching at my chest getting worse. I didn't know how to control it or stop it but daily it got harder and harder to maintain.

I didn't know if leaving the bunker for good would help but the thought of doing that and it not working made me panic, my body thought that idea was revolting.

Dean certainly wouldn't let me come back for a third time.

No way.

I wouldn't even entertain the idea of it.

But the ripping was getting worse and worse each day, I could feel the hole starting to form and I didn't know what to do. 

I couldn't speak to anyone. My only friends in the world were Sam, Dean and the people who slept outside in Lebanon. 

I couldn't tell Sam.

He'd tell Dean. 

I couldn't tell Dean he'd think so low of me for being upset about being human in the first place never mind it still affecting me as much as it did. 

I couldn't burden my friends who slept outside with this pain, they most likely had this pain too but worse.

They probably all had the gaping hole that I had when I was like them. It wouldn't help them to hear my troubles. 

_I had never felt panic and shame so strongly at the same time before._

_Thoughts and ideas were rushing around in my head, spreading like wildfire, it hurt and made me dizzy to think of so many responses all at once._

_All of that destruction in my head from fifteen words._

_"Hey Steve, I found this in the supply closet, do you know who's it is?" Nora had asked, holding up my toothbrush and toothpaste that I'd clearly forgotten to put back into my backpack this morning._

_I was spinning, I knew I couldn't think of a convincing lie. But she was starting to look at me with concern now. I hated it._

_I turned away from her as I spiralled. Taking my time with my words. She can't know that I'm really no good, she'd called me special just this morning. How disappointing would that be to her?_

_"Uhm...That's mine." I sighed as I took the bag off her, thinking harder. "Thanks."_

_I couldn't look in her eyes. She was starting to piece the puzzle together. I felt the hole in my chest ache, the sinking feeling in the bottom of my stomach. I felt like I would throw up but I knew there was nothing in my stomach to bring up anyway._

_"I also found a rolled up sleeping bag in the tool locker." Nora nodded to herself, her ideas of me clearly solidifying. Alarms were ringing in my head. No not another person. Not again. This person didn't need to know how far I'd fallen._

_"Yes." I bit my lip, looking away. How would I do this?_

_Nora was waiting._

_"I wanted to be-th-thorough with inventory so...I worked late last week." I nodded to myself, maybe she would believe me. Maybe. "Taking a nap here was easier than going back home to my bed."_

_I saw that she was processing what I said. Was I not convincing enough?_

_"Which I have of course...a-a bed and a...home." I swallowed the bile in my throat as I said it._

_My chest ached as I lied through my teeth at the woman who had been nothing but nice to me for the last few weeks of me working here. I knew that I was being stupid by not sleeping in the park anymore, letting myself into the store just after it shut at 10pm and sleeping in the store room until 4am, I'd wash in the bathroom, make myself presentable and then leave, pretend to open up once it was 7am. It had worked for a full week now. I hadn't felt so rested in months. But now that could all be ruined just because I'd been foolish and left my things around instead of putting them in my bag like I usually did._

_"Wow Steve, you're so responsible."_

_My chest eased up for a moment._

_That might be the first nice thing someone had said to me in months and months._

_I looked away, back up at the light that I was fixing as my eyes burned and stung with the tears that threatened to fall._

_I hated that to get someone to say something nice about me I had to lie about everything. Including my name._

_The shame was creeping back through the day, the hole in my chest had only stopped aching for a few minutes but it was getting more and more jagged. I would have to sleep at the park again, I couldn't risk Nora finding my things again. I could still get to work early and wash in the restroom before hours. No one would need to know that. I needed to keep myself presentable for this job, I would eventually get out of the park, I would have my own accommodation and I could even show it to Dean and Sam one day._

_Maybe._

I ended up speaking to Jerry about it. Kind of. 

I didn't want to but it was Thursday and I hadn't had a good day. Dean and I had gotten into an argument in the morning because I said I couldn't help him wash all the cars but I would happily help him a different day, like Saturday. But that wasn't good enough for him and we ended up having an argument about it. I didn't understand because he knows that Thursday's I'm out of the bunker from early in the morning and I don't come back until Friday evenings. He knew that. It had been like that for a few months now. 

So I left the bunker before I usually do on Thursday mornings with Dean grunting at me instead of saying his usual, "See you Friday, Cas!" 

Sam even noticed the change and asked me what was wrong, I shrugged him off and left. 

Then at the thrift store there was hardly any clothes that I could buy for the soup kitchen which was disappointing. I hated going in empty handed but it seemed like I would have to that day. 

Another bad thing that happened was that my car broke down on the way to the soup kitchen so I had to call Dean and ask him for help. Which meant that I had to deal with watching him act smug whilst he took his time to fix my car whilst also insulting the car that I loved so much. I thanked him for it of course and drove around until I was sure that he wasn't following me. I parked at the diner and ran to the soup kitchen, hours later than I usually was. 

Jerry looked upset that I wasn't there for the start of the day and I felt the hole ripping open but then he looked happy to see me and I asked if he would still like to talk tonight. He was happy to do so, my chest gave a little ache, the hole was definitely open now but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle right now. Not when I had so much to do. I used my skills that I'd picked up from the Gas'n'Sip and took inventory of the soup kitchen once we were finished for the day, Jerry also staying behind to help. 

We were running low on spare clothing and feminine hygiene products. Cindy said that she wanted to find a cheap supplier of fresh fruit and vegetables but everywhere was so expensive. I had the thought that Sam and Dean might not mind me growing some vegetables around the bunker. I was sure the soil would take but I kept my mouth shut until I could check, I would have to get Dean in a good mood before I asked. There would be no point in getting Cindy's hopes up just to be let down. 

Jerry and I walked to my car at the diner and I groaned when I saw the impala parked across from it. 

"What's wrong?" Jerry asked. 

"My friends are here." I sighed, my chest aching terribly. I wanted to go in there and sort things out with Dean, apologise to Sam for being so rude to him this morning. But I was with Jerry and whilst Jerry was my friend, he also sleeps outside and Sam and Dean didn't like people who slept outside. They'd be curious on why I was with Jerry. 

"They're the friends you live with right? Why not go and say hello?" Jerry shrugged. "I can wait here if you want-" 

"I'm not embarrassed being your friend." I sighed, knowing the exact look that was on his face. "It's just-It doesn't matter." I shook my head. 

"Which ones are they?" Jerry asked, squinting to see inside the diner, his small glasses slipping from his nose. 

"The two men in the far corner, one has longer hair." I pointed to where they sat, clearly they were having a disagreement. 

"They look uh...happy." Jerry tried giving me a smile. 

I rolled my eyes. "Let's go." I got into the car. 

Jerry followed my lead, I felt for the keys that I knew I'd left in the glove compartment but they weren't there. 

"Uh, Cas?" Jerry pointed to the steering wheel. 

I groaned again as I read the sticky note. "Don't leave your car unlocked, dumb ass." How did I not notice that first?

Dean's handwriting.

Dean's sense of humor.

"That one of your friends?" Jerry asked a grin on his face. 

I nodded. "I'll be right back." I sighed as I got out of the car and headed into the diner. 

Dean spotted me instantly and smirked, reaching into his pocket to jangle my keys. 

"You broke into my car and stole my keys?" I raised an eyebrow. 

"I told him not to." Sam sighed. 

"Hey, it's hardly breaking in if it was unlocked." Dean dropped the keys in my hand. "Who's in the car with you? What are you up to?" He squinted through the window. 

"A friend. I'll see you both tomorrow." 

"Yeah yeah." Dean huffed. 

"See you tomorrow, Cas." Sam patted my shoulder and carried on eating. 

"So your friends stole your keys?" Jerry asked once I was back in the car. 

"Dean thinks that he's funny." I rolled my eyes and started the car, driving us to the motel. 

"How'd you guys become friends anyway?" 

"That's a complicated story." I breathed out slowly. "We've been through a lot together." 

"And you can count on them?" Jerry asked. 

"Y-yes." 

_I'd pretended to be a law enforcement officer before. Dean had taught me how._

_But now it was different._

_This man was terrifying._

_I'd been sleeping in the park just like I had been doing for the past two weeks._

_I'd been waking up every five minutes to having rats scampering across my ankles from behind the bush that I was sleeping beside. It made me feel unwell knowing that something was on top of me, no matter how small it was so I'd moved in the middle of the night to the bench, it was a bench right at the back of the park, out of the way._

_I thought I'd be no trouble here but clearly I was._

_A police man had hit me with his stick to wake me up, he probably didn't hit me that hard but the pain shot through my leg waking me up instantly._

_"Hey, whoa. Calm down." He put a hand on my shoulder but then instantly wiped his hand on his coat._

_I looked down at the ground as I sat up. I hadn't realised that my shirt was that dirty._

_"Y'know where you are?" He asked._

_"Idaho." I muttered._

_"Why you here?" He asked._

_'I can't stay in Lebanon?' I remembered quickly. Dean's guilty face in my head._

_My chest tore and ripped, I let out a sound I'd never heard from myself before. It was almost like an injured animal whimpering._

_"Hey buddy, do you got anyone I can call to come and get you? Family? Friends?"_

_"Yes. De-"_ _The noise escaped from my throat again. I quickly shook my head. "No."_

_"Well, you can't stay here. You're not allowed to sleep on a bench."_

_"What should I do?" I looked up at the man, he seemed like he should know. He'd been human a lot longer than I had. He must know._

_He shrugged. "Never been as low as you, pal. Good luck to you." He nodded. "I see you sleeping on a bench again I'll have to take you to the station."_

_He left me._

_I was sure police officers were supposed to help people in need. Maybe it was similar to hunters. They picked a specific group of people to help. Sam and Dean saved people who would be victims of supernatural creatures and maybe the police just helped people who had homes. What kind of person helps those without a home? I needed to find that out._

_'Never been as low as you.'_

_The sentence made bile rise up to my throat, it made my eyes sting and my chest ache. I pressed my lips together so I wouldn't make that awful sound that was threatening to escape again._

_I'd fallen so far._

_How was this even possible? Not a decade ago I was flying above the Earth, observing humanity, training with my brothers and sisters, fighting battles, completing missions, singing with my brothers and sisters._

_How did I fall so far?_

_I didn't even fall I realised._

_Dean Winchester asked me to jump._

_And I did._

_I jumped._

_I fell._

_He didn't catch me._

_He let me go._

"You don't sound so sure." Jerry pursed his lips.

"I-I can count on them. I'm sure." I nodded to myself as we parked the car and got out. I headed to the front desk whilst Jerry waited at the car. 

"One room for the night please." I asked, handing the manager the cash. 

He traded me a key and grunted at me. 

I nodded and left again. 

Jerry headed to the shower right away. 

**Dean:** _Hey, sorry for taking your keys. That was a dick move. I know Thursdays are your days to do whatever. Sorry._

I smiled when I opened the text messages, I sent him some emoticons in response. A thumbs up and a smiley face and a heart. He would understand that it was okay and we were fine with that. 

Dean sent me back the eye rolling emoticon but two minutes later sent a heart one. 

**Dean:** _Never show this conversation to Sam_

I chuckled as I imagined how his face must look as he was typing. I heard Jerry coming out of the shower. 

"Damn that shower is like Heaven." He moaned. "You any good at cutting hair, Cas?" He asked. 

"I cut my own once, it wasn't the best but it was presentable." I shrugged. 

"Wanna give it a try?" He asked as he towel dried his hair. "If you do real bad I'm sure I'll be able to find a hat somewhere." He teased. 

I rolled my eyes. "I'll try." I headed to the kitchen area and pulled out the scissors, sitting Jerry down at the dining table. 

"Sorry if I overstepped before." Jerry mumbled as I started to cut his hair, he clearly hadn't had it cut in at least eight months with how wild it was, I cut it little by little. Not too much at a time. 

"It's alright. I understand that my relationship with Sam and Dean isn't the most average friendship." I shrugged. 

"Cas, we're friends. You and me right?" He asked, taking his glasses off whilst I cut the hair around his ears. 

I nodded. "We are. I hope we are. You think we are right?" 

He chuckled. "Looks like we both have some abandonment issues." He sighed. "Since we're friends how come you never talk about why you help out?"

"You know why I help out. I was like you once." I concentrated hard on his unruly hair. 

He sighed again. "No, I mean. You just told me that you thought you were living with your friends, turned out you weren't. A few months later they change their minds and everything's fine. That's all bullshit, man. There's more that you ain't telling." 

"It's complicated." My lips pressed into a thin line. I felt my chest aching more than it had ached since it had been the gaping hole. I grit my teeth to try and stop it in it's tracks. 

"We got all night, man. You're always letting me talk your damn ear off. Who do you talk to about it?"

"I don't like to talk about it." I said carefully, I didn't want to sound angry but I didn't want to sound upset either. It was a tricky balancing act and of course Jerry saw right through it. 

"Hey man, I get it. The life's rough. Just, why won't you tell your friends about it? They don't even know you volunteer." Jerry rubbed the back of his neck.

"They wouldn't understand. I don't want them to think about me sleeping outside. I-I made so many mistakes and I hurt them both in the past, the way they've lost trust in me haunts me. The way they've looked at me, like I'm nothing to them after the trust was gone. I-I just don't want them to see me in that way. They wouldn't get it." 

I blinked away the many faces of disgust, anger and pity I'd seen from both brothers. I hated those memories. Why had I even looked?

"But they won't see you like that, you're helping people now. That's a good thing. Surely that trumps whatever bad things that you've done." Jerry argued. 

"Unfortunately it doesn't. I think that they trust me now and consider me to be a friend. But they have respect for me as their friend. If they knew the things I had to do when I was sleeping outside, if they knew how much I struggling with the most _basic_ task of survival-" I sighed. "That respect would be gone, what is a friendship with no respect?"

"Nothing." Jerry answered, understanding. "But surely if they've been your friends for so long and you've been through so much then-"

"You're very optimistic." I started to cut the top of his hair now, having finished with the back and sides. 

"I guess I don't like seeing my friend with toxic people." He huffed. "Sorry, I don't know them. But they make you feel like you gotta keep helping people like me a secret, I mean-"

I shrugged. "They're the best men I know, maybe a little rough around the edges. But-" I bit the inside of my cheek. It hurt to even think it never mind say it. "I want to tell them but it's in the back of my mind all the time. He sent me away once before, he could do it again. He said he wouldn't but it's always on my mind." 

"Which one did it?"

"Dean." 

"That's the one you're closer with right?"

I nodded. 

"That's gotta hurt, man. Wanna talk about it?" 

"Definitely not." I chuckled, ignoring the soft ache and scratch in my chest. "Your hair is finished. Do you want to walk or stay in?" 

"I'd be good to just stay in and watch TV." Jerry sighed, running a hand through his hair. "You didn't do such a bad job y'know." 

I smiled. "That'll be twenty dollars." 

Jerry's face fell until he realised I was joking. 

"That's a dark sense of humour you got there, Cas." He rolled his eyes, going to sit on the sofa I joined him quietly. 

Jerry quickly fell asleep so I carried him into the bed, I'd lie in the morning and tell him he simply just doesn't remember getting into bed. 

I took his clothes and drove back to the bunker to wash them. 

Sam and Dean would be asleep by now, they'd both been awake early this morning. They didn't notice me wandering around at midnight washing clothes and taking some tinned food that they'd forget about and putting it in a bag for Jerry. 

I watched the sky shift from the moon and stars into the sunrise and I locked the motel room door for Jerry, leaving his clean clothes and tinned food on the dining room table. 

I drove out of Lebanon and found a lot more luck with the clothing in thrift shops there.

I tried my best to not think about what Jerry had said about Sam and Dean being toxic. 

I didn't think that they were. 

They helped me through a lot of things and all they wanted to do was help people.

Maybe I'd explained it wrong to him so he got the wrong idea. 

I made sure at soup kitchen on Friday night I was extra happy even if I didn't feel it properly, I put the smile on my face and I was joining in conversations, singing along to the songs that I now recognised.

There was no reason for anyone to think that I had the ache in my chest still.

No one would know about it.

Especially not Sam or Dean.

We spent the entire of Saturday washing the cars in the bunker and I was just as happy then as I was at the soup kitchen.

If I ignored it maybe it would go away on it's own. 

I could pray for that at least. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay can I just say that this is a TRIGGER WARNING just in case, if you're having any dark thoughts please reach out and get the help that you need lotta love

**Castiel's POV**

"You took your time." Dean huffed as I got back into the car. 

I rolled my eyes. "I was fourteen minutes exactly and I said I would be around twenty minutes so if anything I'm early back." 

"Whatever." Dean rolled his eyes but smirked as he started up the car from the diner parking lot. 

We'd found a case, angel killings in South Dakota and those cases always dragged so I'd taken two hundred dollars from my fake credit card account and ran it down to the soup kitchen, giving most of it to Jerry so he could afford a room for a few days at least and then the rest, fifty dollars to Cindy to buy some thrift store clothes like I usually did. It made me feel better about the fact that I could be gone longer than the intended two days. 

Dean played his loud music the entire of the way there, slapping his hands on the steering wheel and tapping his feet even though I was sure it wasn't considered safe to do that. He sang at the top of his lungs too. Screaming out his favourite lyrics for Sam, me and the rest of the world to hear. We barely stopped the entire way, only once to get gas and so that Sam and I could swap places so that he could sleep with his legs slightly stretched out. Dean played the soft rock then, quieter yet he still sang as loud as he could. Sam didn't seem to mind it. I chose to not tell Dean that Sam had small ear phones in his ears, hidden by his hair that was most likely playing a podcast to help him sleep. Dean looked too happy to tell him news that would devastate him like that. 

"What are you staring at, huh?" Dean grinned as we drove down a long stretch of road. 

"Nothing. Just observing." 

"That what the kids call it these days?" He winked. 

I was confused on what he was trying to imply so I just shrugged it off, Dean often said things that I didn't understand. I never thought too much on it anyway. 

"So, angel killings. What we thinking?" Dean asked. 

"What do you mean?" I tilted my head. 

"You think it means something?" He asked. 

"What could it possibly mean other than angels are being killed?" I sighed. 

Dean pursed his lips. "I mean, do you think it could be angel on angel violence?"

I shrugged again. "I'm not really up to date on angel affairs." 

"You've not been listening to angel radio?" 

I shook my head. 

"Why not?" He turned the music down further. 

"They all hate me, Dean. That's all they talk about." 

"Oh." Dean stared at the open road. 

"Sorry." I mumbled. 

"It's okay." He nodded. "Look, angels are dicks. But you've got us right?" 

"Right." I nodded with him. 

I struggled to figure out how Dean letting me know hat 'angels are dicks' would somehow make me feel better. 

Did he view me as an angel and want me to know that he was calling me a dick too? 

Or was it that he didn't view me as an angel at all? Was I useless to him, therefore not an angel, not a human? 

"Will they forgive you?" He whispered after a while. 

"No." 

"Never?" He raised his eyebrows. 

"Angels don't change, Dean." I sighed, leaning back in the seat.

"You did." 

"Poor excuse for an angel." I smirked despite the faint scratching in my chest. 

"Don't say that, man." Dean looked over at me. "You're the best angel there is." 

Dean smiled then looked back at the road ahead.

"You mean that?" I asked, trying to cover up my voice wavering. 

"Course I do. You don't see me kicking back and washing cars with Balthazar and freaking Uriel do you?" He laughed. 

"Well they are both dead." I smiled sadly, both of their deaths were my fault. 

"You're family, Cas. When I talk shit about angels, you know you're excluded from that right?" 

I nodded, letting myself smile. "Thank you, Dean." I'm sure he must have meant well. 

I hid my face when the smile faltered. 

**_That's because he doesn't even see you as an angel._ **

**_He sees you as the weak human you were when you were searching through dumpsters for hours for just one slice of bread._**

**_That's what he sees when he looks at you, not a soldier, not a warrior._ **

**_A bum._ **

My chest ached as Dean turned the music up a little more again and started up his singing, tapping on the steering wheel and shaking his knees to his favourite songs. 

The case was easy. 

It seemed way too easy and I told Sam and Dean that it seemed like a trap. They didn't think that it was. 

But I wasn't shocked when I was captured by one of my brothers and two of my sisters, holding me with chains much like the ones that Malakai used on me as a human. 

I couldn't bring myself to be worried. 

I'd already felt the worst pain, there was nothing my brother and sisters could do to me that hurt more than I'd already experienced. If anything the feeling of the blades on my skin was almost relaxing. The cool heavenly metal against my skin that had been marred and tainted multiple times, it felt like nothing in comparison. I didn't care that I was bleeding all over my purple striped jumper that they eventually tore completely off my body, leaving me in just my jeans and boots that Deann had leant to me. The chill was more apparent without my top layer but I didn't care.

I didn't care at all,

It wasn't aching or scratching in my chest that's all I could think about. 

_These would be my last moments as a human, as anything really. I wondered where I would go when I died._

_I had always wondered that, I knew angels didn't go to Heaven when they died but they didn't go to Hell and they definitely didn't go to purgatory. I supposed it was useless thinking of where angels go, I was no angel, I would be going straight into the fiery gates of Hell._

_I welcomed it now._

_I'd had enough._

_Malakai had tried his best to torture me and it hurt, it hurt in a way that was different to any other torture I'd ever had as an angel which was interesting to me at this point._

_My new suit that I'd saved so hard for was torn to shreds, my car was probably gone too, it didn't even matter that I was hungry now._

_If I'd known that the mouldy old pizza slice from the dumpster a few days ago would be my last ever meal I would have savoured it more than I had done._

_But alas part of being human is having little control over your own mortality._

_I understood everything now._

_I was ready to go._

_But Malakai was sure that I knew about Metatron's plans, no matter how much I told him he didn't understand that Metatron and I were not friends._

_I shrugged it off._

_I didn't care._

_My pain was fading rather quickly from my fingertips, my chest was almost completely numb._

_The last thing I felt was when they killed Muriel. She didn't deserve that ending._

_That was unfair. But there wasn't anything I could do now._

_I welcomed Theo to hold my hair back by force and cut down my chest right down to my stomach._

_It did hurt._

_But in a much more real sense, nothing hurt as much as these past few months had. So Theo could cut me a thousand more times and I'd be grateful that I wasn't lay on my wet cardboard behind the bush in the park, shivering in my sleeping bag with rats scampering over me throughout the night as the rain fell on me, not a single star in the sky._

_I was grateful these would be my last moments and not in that damn park._

_I still hoped that Sam would get better from the trials._

_I hoped that Dean wouldn't blame himself for my death._

_I prayed that they'd be happy in what I thought would be my last moments._

_Of course they weren't._

_Malakai mentioned Ezekiel had died in the fall._

_Dean.Dean.Dean.Dean.Dean._

_My brain screamed at me. I needed to get out of here and find Dean._

_Death would have to wait._

_Dean needed me._

I wasn't ready to die this time, I didn't feel like I had done enough penance for my crimes but it wasn't likely they even wanted to torture me properly. They probably wanted Sam and Dean and knew I would be the fastest way to get them. 

They were correct to do that. 

"Cas!" Dean yelled. 

"Here." My sister called as Dean walked inside, she tried to throw the blade at him but obviously he ducked before the door was even properly opened. 

"Clever boy, where's that brother of yours?"

"Told you it was a trap." I sighed, why could they not have just tied me up and not cut me and my clothing to shreds whilst they were waiting? 

"Shut up!" My sister yelled and cut along my arm in a straight line. 

My chest numbed almost completely as I felt the pain in my arm, hearing my grace seeping out. 

I sighed in relief. 

"You bitch. Get off him." Dean growled and stormed towards her, blade in his hand.

She barely saw him coming.

She died. 

My brother came inside the room then, attempting to removed me from the chains to bring me with him as leverage. 

I elbowed him in the eye which tore through the cut that ran from my elbow to my collarbone, I grit my teeth as it stung,I took his blade, stabbing him quickly.

He died. 

One sister left. 

Sam ran into the room then, angel blade in his hand and my sister under his arm. 

"You get the others?" He asked. 

Dean nodded. "What's she alive for?" 

"They're not killing angels for the fun of it. " 

"Told you it was a trap." I sighed. 

"Cas sit down." Dean rolled shrugged his jacket off and wrapped it around my bare shoulders. 

I rolled my eyes but did as he asked, reaching into the pocket to pull the angel blade he kept there out and rested it against my arm as I watched Sam chain my sister up like I was chained up there not ten minutes ago. 

Sam pulled off the bandanna around her throat. 

"Tell them what you told me." Sam demanded. 

My sister. Was she named Lana? Was that her name? I couldn't remember anymore. "We wanted you to come to town, we want Castiel, but not having you come after him. An even trade. We take him off your hands. He won't be a problem anymore." 

I looked up at Dean in interest. 

"I'm sorry, have you met me? I don't make deals like that." Dean growled.

Lana laughed. "I thought that was the new deal. Kick Castiel to the streets and have yourself a nice vacation. I thought I could give you the same package, only this isn't a return." She glowed at me. "You have no idea how much I hate you, Castiel." 

"Sister, I barely know who you are." I coughed, blood landing on my jeans. "The plan was to clearly capture me, lure you two in and then kill you both so that would torture me mentally whilst they physically torture me to death. So don't act like you're here to make a bargain. You're out numbered." 

She looked furious, twisting in the chains. 

"What do you say? You know he's more trouble than he's worth. You figured it out last time." 

I gulped. The pain from the torture wasn't soothing the ache in my chest as I stared at Dean, his jacket wrapped around me, my blood soaking into it. 

"I won't give you Cas." Dean seethed. "He's family." 

"Family." Lana grinned. "Y'know the time he was human, most of us knew where he was but it was so pathetic that we didn't want to do anything to the lost little lamb, it would barely be a mercy killing." 

Dean scoffed. "He was fine, stop lying to make yourself look cool. Your little friends are dead." 

"Oh, Castiel. Have you not told him?" Lana pouted at me. 

"Told me what Cas?" Dean asked. 

"Cas?" Sam questioned. 

"Nothing." I grit my teeth. "She's stalling." 

Lana rolled her eyes. "I bet you can't even look at-" 

I stabbed her in the throat. 

I didn't know what she was going to say but I was sure I wouldn't like it. 

"Ah." I hissed as I felt the blood pouring from my arms. 

"Cas." Dean ran over. "You okay?" 

I nodded. "I'll be okay." 

It wasn't until we were on our way back to the bunker that Dean mentioned something. 

Sam was in the backseat asleep. 

I was sat in the front with Dean, I was trying to sleep, leaning against the window but I could feel Dean's eyes on me every five minutes. Everything was hurting and or still bleeding. I wasn't in the mood. 

"What?" I snapped, opening my eyes. 

Dean licked his lips. "What did she mean? What did you not tell me?"

"Nothing important, she was a nobody in Heaven. Probably only heard rumours." I shrugged, wincing at the barely stitched cuts. 

"I'll stitch you up properly as soon as we're home." Dean sighed. "You know you can tell me anything right Cas? It doesn't matter what it is, I won't-"

"I don't want to talk about it." I wrapped his jacket further around myself and tried to force myself to sleep. 

_I didn't know what to do._

_Why did I tell Dean that It was okay and I understood?_

_It wasn't okay and I didn't understand._

_I'd gotten off the bus just like the driver told me to, I followed a crowd of the other people who'd gotten off the bus but they all went into motels and hotels. Some getting into cabs._

_I felt around for the money Dean had given to me._

_$57.39_

_It was all he'd had on him at the time. I didn't mind. He could have given me nothing. I'm sure he would explain more to me when he called. But that could be in a few days, maybe even a week._

_I knew that the money would barely get me two nights in a motel room but it could get me food and water for when the sandwiches Dean had made ran out._

_I picked up the phone he'd given to me. The background was a photograph of the impala. It made me smile when I saw it. I could almost see Dean sat in the front seat._

_I flinched at the strange noise._

_Only when it happened twice more did I realise that the strange noise was me and I was crying._

_I couldn't breath properly, my chest was aching, my head was sore, my hands were shaking, my stomach hurt and my back felt all wrong from having no wings._

_It was freezing,_

_I had no coat._

_I never realised that people actually needed them before, I pulled the shirt zip up jacket around myself and put the phone in my pocket as I walked, it was the only thing I knew I could do._

_I could walk until I found my way._

_My crying didn't stop._

_Not until I entered a park, it was a large park full of greenery and benches dotted around, a few trees too._

_My legs were hurting and my eyes felt heavy. Sometimes Dean would complain of these symptoms before going to sleep._

_Thinking of Dean made it worse. I wanted to know why he wouldn't tell me what was happening,_

_Why couldn't I stay with him and Sam?_

_Dean told me in purgatory that I wouldn't get left behind._

_I felt like that wasn't true now._

_I didn't understand, Dean had told me he wasn't angry at me. He'd told me to get to the bunker as fast as I could so I'd be safe._

_Why would he then tell me to leave not an hour later?_

_I cried harder as I found a large bush at the edge of the park, more into the forest, there was a small patch of stone behind it, big enough for me to lie down I was sure._

_I could figure out what to do in the morning._

_I shrugged my zip up jacket off and draped it over my shoulders, bringing my knees up to my chest to keep my chest warm, I used the bag Dean had given me as a pillow._

_It wasn't as easy as Sam and Dean made it look to fall asleep, I flinched at every sound. I didn't understand what was wrong with me, I'd slept outdoors just a few days ago when April had found me, I'd not had much trouble sleeping then apart from the odd nightmares._

_But I wasn't scared of a nightmare right now. My body just hurt but it wasn't injured. The pain was too distracting to sleep._

_I wished I could phone Dean and ask him why my chest was hurting but he would be busy helping people, I would be fine for now._

_I could wait for Dean's help._

_I wiped my eyes and the rest of my face, slowing my breathing back to normal. If Dean called in the next five minutes he'd never even know I was upset. Dean doesn't like chick flick moments._

_I'd just wait for Dean to call._

I flinched when I felt a hand in mine, my eyes snapped open to see Dean had hold of my hand. 

He gave it a gentle squeeze. 

"I'm glad you're okay, pal." 

I squeezed his hand back, he smiled and took it away, going back on the wheel. 

I leaned back against the window and slept the entire way back to the bunker. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see dean can be a nice dude.  
> cas is pretty messed up and i think we all can agree that he needs to speak about it or it's gonna tear him apart.  
> some sam fluff coming up next chapter  
> hope you enjoyed this guys


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so this took a good few hours to write but I think it's worked out.  
> getting some quality sam and cas bonding time.  
> i'll explain the whole grace and soul thing at the end, it's not that important to the story just something i thought i would sprinkle in

**Castiel's POV**

Recovering from the torture session was not what I would call an enjoyable experience. 

My grace was affected by it and it made healing even slower, Dean had sewed up the lacerations so that they wouldn't re open whilst I was trying to heal and he checked on them every day. 

But each day I was here I wasn't helping anyone. 

Jerry probably thought that I'd given up on him, I'd become so constant and I'd always tell him if I was leaving for a few days. 

I wanted to get into contact with Cindy and let her know what was happening but my phone had been smashed by the angels who had kept me captive. I couldn't exactly ask Sam or Dean to stop at the soup kitchen and tell Cindy that I was recovering from being tortured by my siblings. I wouldn't even want to tell them to make up a fake story, they'd want to know why I needed to get a message to Cindy. 

"Sup with you, feathers?" Dean sighed as he came into my room without knocking, pulling back my sheets and gently pulling up my shirt to reveal the wounds which had finally closed properly, they were scabbing over now. 

"They broke my phone." I sighed. 

"Can't text your secret girlfriend?" He teased as he cleaned the wounds on my ribs. 

"I don't have a secret girlfriend." I defended. "But what if I get into an emergency, I need a phone. Just in case." 

"In case what? Me and Sam don't hear you whining from down the hall?" He smirked. 

"I mean when I go outside or if you go on a case and you need me to research something." 

Dean frowned. "You aren't gonna be leaving the bunker until you're fully back to yourself buddy, those dicks really did a number on you. We're passing cases onto other hunters. We're sticking around until you're good." 

"That's not fair to all the people you need to help, I can take care of myself." 

"I know that. But-" Dean sighed. "Look, something's going on with you. You're not yourself, man. It's scaring me." 

"I'm fine." I huffed, shoving his hands away when he tried to assist me in sitting up. 

Dean dropped his hands. "Let me help you, Cas. Please?" 

My chest scratched more and more, it was aching. 

I wanted to run. 

I had to get out of here. 

If I stayed and let Dean look after me when he eventually realised that the sickness was in my head and chest, broken, he'd want me to leave again. It would hurt more if I let him be nice to me. It was bad enough I'd squeezed his hand back on the way back to the bunker. 

"Talk to me, Cas. What's going on in that funny head of yours?" Dean moved onto cleaning the lacerations on my face, I didn't see why, they were barely there anymore. They already looked and felt months old, by the end of the day there would be no evidence of them. 

"Nothing. I'm just sick of being inside. I want to go outside for a while." 

Dean looked at me up and down, frowning. 

There was guilt and anger swirling around his features, I avoided looking at his eyes. They always told me the harsh truth. I didn't want to add another memory of his eyes telling me he didn't want me anymore. That I wasn't worth it. His face was loud enough. 

"Stop looking at me like that." I demanded, the shame crept in through my chest, seeping out to the rest of my body in time with my heart beat. 

"Like what?" Dean asked, still having that look on his face. 

"Like I'm a sick dog." I huffed. "I just have a few cuts on my body. It's nothing I can't heal from. I will be back to normal in a few days." I rambled, nothing I was saying was removing the look from Dean's face. "Dean, it's just a few days. I'll be useful again, I swear. I'm sorry it's taking so long I-"

"Cas, just heal alright. Calm down." Dean sighed, pulling my shirt back over me and the covers back up. "Try and sleep." 

"Dean, please-"

"Goodnight, Cas." Dean left the room. 

I pulled the pillow from under my head and put it over my face, letting my gasps of air out into that instead of out loud which would risk Dean hearing me. 

I couldn't breathe. 

He was looking at me like that again. 

He was going to make me leave again. 

I knew it. 

I knew he would do this. 

I clutched at the pillow. 

Before he would make me leave I'd have to see Jerry at least, Dean would probably buy me another bus ticket far away and take away the credit card he'd given to me. 

The hole in my chest gaped and twisted as it tore open more and more. It was almost as big as it was when I was sleeping outside now. 

And Dean was starting to notice. 

He realised I was broken again. 

I un-tucked the covers that Dean had wrapped tightly around me and shakily got out of bed, I made the bed again quickly, stuffing the spare pillows inside the covers so it would look like I was there if he came to check on me before the morning. 

If I was correct then it was Thursday. I collected the money that I kept at my desk, it was three hundred dollars. That would keep Jerry going for a while. 

I made my way out of the bunker as quietly as I could, I could hear Sam and Dean talking in the kitchen. 

_"Something's up with him, man." Dean sighed._

_"You've only just noticed?" Sam replied. "Dude's had something up with him since we got him back. D'you think that angel was right? That something bad happened when he was human?"_

_"I saw him, man. He was fine. You saw him, he was working cases. He was working at the Gas'n'Sip, going on dates. That bitch was making up shit. Cas got annoyed at her, simple as."_

_"He looked scared." Sam clearly sipped something._

_Sam had noticed my panic before killing my sister then. I had prayed that he wouldn't._

_"Was he happy when you saw him? He doesn't seem happy now." Sam sighed. "I haven't seen him smile at all in weeks. Not properly."_

_"He smiled the other day." Dean mumbled. "Are you saying he'd be happier if he wasn't with us?"_

That's all I needed to hear. They were discussing my leaving.

I forced myself to leave as quietly as possible. 

Walking to the park that Jerry usually slept in didn't take too long, I was sore and exhausted by the time I got there. Much like if I was a human again. But I made it and he was sat on his usual bench, staring up at the sky. 

"Hello, Jerry." I lowered myself onto the bench. 

"Cas! I was starting to think you weren't gonna come." Jerry grinned. 

"I had something come up, I'm sorry. But uh- I'm here now." I forced myself to smile, I'd prove Sam wrong. 

"What's the matter?" Jerry asked. "You look different." He looked me up and down. 

"I'm just a little injured that's all." I shrugged. 

"You must be freezing, where's your damn coat?" He regarded the sleeping clothes I'd been loaned by Dean. 

"I'm fine. I'm naturally warm." I lied. "How have you been Jerry?" 

"I've been fine, man. Cindy was trying to call you the other day." 

"My phone is lost unfortunately." I sighed. "I want to give you this." I handed him the wad of notes. 

Jerry whistled. "Why?"

"Because you're my friend and you don't deserve to still be sleeping outside. I want you to be okay." 

"Cas, I can't take your money off you. Not this much." 

"Please, just take the money. I want to know that you're okay." 

"Why won't you be around to check yourself?" He narrowed his eyes. 

I took a deep breath. "I think that my friends will be wanting me to leave again soon." 

"Again? Really?" Jerry sighed big, staring up at the sky again. "I told you, I don't like them." 

"I'm injured and I don't think that it stops at just being physical, they can see that it's getting worse. I'm no longer useful to them, I'm more of a liability-" I tried to explain in a way that he would understand but by the look on his face, he didn't understand. He was angry. 

"So why don't you just leave, you have a job right? Surely they'll let you find a place to crash before making you go." 

"I work with them." I sighed. "I heard them speaking when I was leaving. They think I'd be happier away from them." 

"Maybe you would be." Jerry pulled his legs until they were crossed beneath him. "Look man, you're a great guy. Really, one of the best I know but the way you see these two guys. It's like you think they're freaking angels or something. They hurt you. They sent you away and you're gonna let them do it again? They'll keep doing it every time they think they need you again. It's not right. My old man was like that, that's why I left for good." 

The rip was just as big as before now. 

I bit the inside of my cheeks so I wouldn't give away that I felt like Lucifer had punched a hole through my chest cavity. 

"I know I'm being harsh, Cas. But you've gotta hear it. You live with them, work with them, you finally do your own thing and it's helping people. Like you're spending all your time helping people who most people wouldn't even look twice at and you're so ashamed of yourself that you won't tell them, you won't even let them see that you're helping. You're a good person, man. Why can't you see that? Why can't they appreciate what they have with you?"

"You're wrong." I choked out, I couldn't breathe. 

"I ain't fucking wrong. I've been wrong about a lot of things in my life but this isn't one of them. You deserve better. Just don't go back. Use that money that you're trying to give to me and set yourself up. On your own. You can do that." 

"I tried that, it never worked." I snapped. "That's all Dean wanted me to do and I couldn't even do that." 

"And he doesn't know. D'you think that if he knew what happened when he sent you away, he'd be telling you to go again?"

I shrugged. The hole in my chest felt like it was spreading, leaking out poison all over my body. 

"Just take the money. If I'm not here by next week then you'll know. I hope it doesn't come to that." 

"You're a stubborn ass hole you know that?" Jerry glared but took the money from me. "I wanna hear from you, where ever you end up. Call Cindy, get her to give me the message that you're okay. Please?" He swallowed. 

I nodded quickly and stood up to leave. 

"Thank you, Cas." 

"It's not a problem." I sighed and made my way back to the bunker. 

I didn't think that either of them would be awake when I got back but they were both sat at the map table with their arms folded staring up at the entrance. 

"He's not even wearing a damn coat." Dean muttered. "Cas get your ass down here." Dean shrugged off his robe leaving him in just his boxers and t-shirt. Sam yawned but gave me a look that clearly meant I was in for getting yelled at by Dean. 

I sighed. 

I couldn't do this today. 

_I couldn't do this today._

_Everything was hurting too much._

_I was weak, I knew that._

_But I couldn't bring myself to move from behind the dumpster._

_I was awake all night. I'd been watching the rats, listening to the drunks on the street, looking to the sky, staring at the three contacts in my phone._

_Daniel_

_Dean_

_Nora_

_I knew that I should be getting up and heading to work before Nora would get there so I could wash myself and make myself look presentable and clean for a day of work but my legs remained outstretched in front of me. I'd been sat here for almost forty eight hours._

_I'd finished work on Wednesday evening and gone to the park to watch the birds until sundown, only there was a group of teenagers playing a game of soccer on the field. They didn't like me._

_I didn't know what I'd done to them._

_I didn't look like I slept outside currently. I was freshly washed this morning, my clothes had no stains on them, I'd scrubbed them in the restrooms sinks, my hair was trimmed and I had shaved. There was nothing on the outside that would suggest that I was beneath them. But somehow they knew._

_They knew how low I was and they hated me for it._

_Taking pleasure in kicking the ball at me so it struck my cheek harshly. Had I been an angel I would have seen it coming right away and been able to stop the ball, but I wasn't paying attention to them. The ball hit me and they erupted in laughter._

_I threw the ball back to them, ignoring how my arms were shaking from the exertion from just that._

_Then the ball hit me again. And again. And again._

_I decided that I would move, I would come to the park later when they had gone back to their homes._

_But they followed me._

_They followed me all the way to the backstreet where I found the dumpster. They threw the ball at my back as I walked, I couldn't bring myself to even speak. Never mind to turn around and tell them to stop._

_I thought they'd gotten bored and stopped when I turned the corner to the backstreet with the dumpster. But they hadn't gotten bored. They'd gotten a new idea._

_They kicked and punched and scratched at me until their energy was wasted._

_Then they shouted awful insults my way._

_They were true insults._

_'Nobody loves you.' 'You're a street rat.' 'What a failure' 'I bet his parents ain't proud of him' 'no friends either or he'd be at the shelters'_

_They didn't know I couldn't go to a shelter due to angels potentially tracking me and putting other people in danger. But I didn't argue. I didn't have any friends._

_Four am rolled around. I didn't move._

_Five am came next and I didn't move._

_By five thirty in the morning I managed to text Nora and tell her I was sick and wouldn't be able to come into work today._

_I hated myself as soon as I sent the text message. Losing out on a days work means that it would be more and more time until I would get my accommodation, it meant longer sleeping in the park. But did I really deserve any better?_

_Those boys were right._

_I still couldn't bring myself to move._

_The hole in my chest was aching so heavily and constantly that I couldn't move, it stuck me to the floor. Even when the rain started, I couldn't bring my knees up to my chest to keep myself warm, all I could do was stay how I was._

_Pathetic._

"What in the hell were you thinking?" Dean demanded, throwing his robe at me. I couldn't move my arms into it so he did it for me and sat me at the map table. "Going out with no phone, no coat and not even a note to say where you were? But you did put a few pillows under your sheets to try and trick us. You're lucky I didn't do a damn tracking spell." 

"I'm warded, it wouldn't work." I mumbled. 

Sam turned to me giving me a scowl. "You had us worried, Cas. What if you'd got hurt out there?"

"I would have dealt with it." I sighed, trying to block the whimper that was threatening to escape my throat, coming from the hole in my chest. 

"Would you?" Dean grit his teeth. "How? You didn't even take your damn blade with you. Where did you go?" 

I shrugged. "I was safe." 

"You don't know that." Sam huffed and handed me the mug of steaming coffee. 

I declined, the bile rising in my throat again. "I'm here aren't I?"

Dean scoffed. "What is _wrong_ with _you_ Cas?" He stared at me, the anger in his eyes was unmistakable but there was something else too. I didn't like it. 

I turned away, getting out of the chair and heading towards my room. 

" _Cas_." Dean grabbed my arm. 

I shook him off, hated that he soothed the hole in my chest. "Don't touch me." 

"Leave him." I heard Sam sigh and Dean seemed to listen to him. 

I heard something crashing when I shut the door. 

I locked the door then let myself fall to the floor. 

Something inside me broke again, I couldn't stop the sobs ripping through my chest making the hole wider and wider still. 

He knew something was wrong. 

_He knew. He knew. He knew._

I repeated his words in my head over and over again in my head. Different languages. They all sounded the same. The same level of disgust and anger in each language I tried. 

_What is wrong with you Cas?_

_Qu'est-ce qui ne va pas avec toi, Cas?_

_Was ist los mit dir, Cas?_

_ما خطبك كاس؟_

_มีอะไรผิดปกติกับคุณ Cas?_

_что с тобой не так, Кас?_

_뭐가 문제 야, Cas?_

I threw a hand over my mouth and bit my lip. 

If he saw me like this he'd be even more disgusted with me. 

I couldn't imagine how he would speak and look at me then. 

I wished he'd just get rid of me already. The waiting for him to drive me to the bus station was driving me insane. I wasn't healing properly and I didn't understand why, my only theory that was my grace was trying to smooth the wounds but it was trying to smother my emotions too like it was designed to but maybe I kept my soul when I became an angel again. They were battling against each other and my soul seemed to be winning, emotions overtaking the much preferred simplicity of being an angel. 

"Cas?" I heard a knock on the door. 

Sam. 

"Go away." I tried to make my voice as commanding as ever but it came out as a whisper. 

I heard Sam sigh from the other side. 

"Dean's gone out. It's just me. Let me in?" Sam shuffled on his feet. "Please, man. I wanna help you." 

"I can't Sam." I forced out, my head was going to explode. I couldn't handle this. I needed everything to stop again. I prayed that it would. 

"I'm gonna pick the lock, please don't smite me." Sam's credit card started to jam in the door. "Are you in front of the door?"

"Yeah." I threw a hand over my mouth again to stifle the sob that ripped through my body. 

"Okay, Cas. I'm gonna need you to move for a second okay? Just to let me in and then you can sit back down. Can you do that?" 

I nodded to myself and forced my legs to move until I'd shuffled enough for Sam to slip into the room, as soon as he was inside I slid back to where I was, my back slamming the door shut. 

"How long have you been feeling like this, man?" He asked, going over to my bed and taking the blanket and a few pillows. 

I shrugged, my head going onto my knees, hiding my face from him.

Sam wouldn't want to see this. 

_I wasn't having a good day._

_It was hurting more than it usually did, I'd seen a man in walking down the street that looked so much like Dean that I froze on the spot. Terrified and excited at the same time._

_I was terrified that he would see me like this. I hadn't washed. I hadn't shaved. I had dirty clothes on. I had no money left. My jeans were struggling to stay on my hips. If he saw me like this he would be disappointed._

_But the excitement that I felt at seeing a familiar face was exhilarating. The chance to speak with someone who knew me and didn't think I was just this._

_But it wasn't him. It just looked like him._

_But it inspired me to call him._

_He hadn't called me yet. It had been weeks, maybe he had the wrong number and he thought that I was ignoring him. Dean was sometimes forgetful._

_I dialled his number whilst laid on my cardboard above the stone behind the bush in the park. I stared up at the stars as it rang._

_I was getting more and more excited._

_I could tell him about how much I'd learned whilst I'd been away, I could tell him how I was learning how to be useful. I could now understand certain jokes and I was beginning to understand some social cues, he would be happy about that I was sure._

_Maybe he would be so happy that he would invite me to the bunker._

_Especially_ _when I tell him that I've had no encounters with the angels. The angels didn't care about me anymore. Maybe I could assure him and he and Sam weren't in any danger then I could come back._

_He answered on the final ring and the hole in my chest shrank by at least seventy five percent._

_"Hello?"_

_"Dean." I managed to say but before I could even start to smile he began talking. I'd missed his voice greatly these past few weeks._

_"Yeah uh- I can't talk right now. It's dangerous y'know. Had dicks without wings everywhere. It's safer. You understand right?" Dean whispered down the phone._

_My heart stopped, he was lying. I could tell in his voice._

_"Are you okay?" I asked._

_"I'm great, Cas. I really can't talk right now. I said I'll call so I'll call you alright?" Dean snapped and hung up._

_The beep of the phone cutting up was the sound I assumed my chest made when it reopened that seventy five percent it had closed._

_I started choking before I realised that I was crying again._

_Oh._

"Cas, look at me, man." Sam whispered. 

I shook my head as he wrapped the blanket around my shoulders, not touching me. 

"Why are you so upset?" He asked. "Is it because Dean touched your arm?" 

"Why would that upset me?" I grit my teeth, it barely hid the sob that seemed to be coming from my stomach. 

Sam shrugged and threw the pillow behind him so he could lean on the door like me but in comfort, I stared at how our legs were almost touching, his so much longer than mine. It was strange to be so close to Sam after thinking for so long that he hated me more than Dean did. "The angel that was hurting you-"

"Lana." I shifted so he couldn't see that I was holding onto my chest, trying to soothe the ache. 

"Yeah, Lana. She was uh saying some things before you killed her, right? You remember that?"

"Of course I remember." I pulled Dean's robe closer to my face, to hide my face. But the smell of it did soothe the ache a little bit. 

"Well, I was thinking that maybe she was onto something? You've been different ever since you came back, Cas and if something happened to you when you were human. You-you can talk about it, you don't have to keep it to yourself." 

I shook my head, I wouldn't tell Sam. 

Sam didn't need this to be on him. 

"Where's Dean?" 

I heard him sigh. "He went out for a drive, he said he's gonna be back by morning." 

"So you're babysitting the age old angel?" I asked. 

He chuckled. "I like to think of it more as helping out my best friend." 

I shook my head rapidly. "No, Sam." 

"What is it?" He asked. 

"I-I broke everything, I broke your wall and let Lucifer in your head. I don't deserve to be made to feel better by you." 

"Cas." Sam slowly put a hand on my shoulder, the scratching stopped for a minute. "That was years ago, I forgave you for that ten times over by now. You fixed me though, remember?" 

"I still was wrong to do that to you." I lay my head on my knees on the side, facing away from Sam. 

He squeezed my shoulder. "Look, I don't know what happened when you were human but I know whatever it was has got you messed up and it was kinda my fault you were sent away from us so the least I could do is try and listen and help you through it." Sam sniffed. 

I turned my face, there was a tear running down his face. 

"Why are you crying?" I asked. 

"Because of how bad you're hurting, Cas. I can't- I can't deal with it. You might be able to live with the pain you got but me and Dean we can't keep seeing you like this." 

"So why don't you send me away again?" I felt my chin and bottom lip wobbling. 

Before I could protest Sam had his arms around me, my head was in his shoulder and I was crying again but my hands were trapped so the noises that escaped my mouth weren't muffled. Sam could hear them all, he heard me and he saw me. 

"It's alright, man. I got you." He rubbed my back. "We aren't gonna send you away. I'll kill Dean if he pulls a stunt like that again." 

"But-" I started, he was happy when I was gone. They both were, they did cases together. They were fine without me but with me here we were always bickering and Dean was currently so angry he'd gone for a drive until the morning and Sam was here in my bedroom, upset. That was something that rarely happened. 

"Cas. Please. Just tell me whatever it is that happened. Just telling one person about it could help you." 

"I can't-" I breathed out steadily, the look I would receive.

No. 

Sam slowly rocked us back and forth, rubbing my back and somehow soothing the ache that I felt in my chest. It was almost manageable now that he was here and he was refusing to let me out of his grip, if I really wanted to I could force him off me but I think that a part of me wanted to stay here on the floor with Sam. 

"Dean said you had a job, how'd you manage to swing that?" Sam asked after a few minutes of no noises escaping my mouth. 

I didn't know what he was doing by acting like we were having a normal conversation but I moved myself out of his arms so I was back leaning against the door, my hand on my chest and the other hand hiding my face from him. 

"A man told me that they were hiring and he helped me practise interview questions with him. Nora was desperate for the help so she didn't look into me like she should have." I pushed my hand into my chest, soothing the ache, Sam was here. I wasn't being made to leave until at least the morning. I was fine. 

"Nora? Was she the date?" 

I smirked. "Not exactly." 

"Dean just told me that you had a hot date but an angel came and ruined it." Sam mumbled, his hand on his knee. 

I watched his hand as he moved his fingers, tracing the flannel pattern. 

"That's not really what happened." I sighed. "I misinterpreted what she had meant. I thought she meant a date but she wanted me to baby sit whilst _she_ went on a date." 

"That's rough, no wonder you're crying." He nudged my shoulder, I could tell he was joking, making light of the situation. 

"Dean said that he would take care of the Rit Zien on his own so I could go on my date-"

"Rit Zien?" 

"It's a kind of angel. It means 'hands of mercy', they weren't like the soldiers they would fly around between wounded angels and heal whatever they could but if the angel was too greatly injured-"

"Give them mercy?" Sam guessed. 

I nodded slowly. "Ephriam was just trying to continue his work in Heaven on Earth." 

"So why'd Dean stop him?" 

My words caught in my throat, remembering how Ephriam had spoken to me that night. 

_You think I came for her? No, Castiel. I came for you._

"He-He didn't. I did." 

"I though you were babysitting?" Sam asked. 

_You have no idea how loud it is_

"The baby got sick so I called Dean, he was bringing medication for her when he saw Ephriam's truck outside the house."

"Ephriam was there for the baby?" 

"He didn't understand different kinds of pain, to him pain is just pain. But he wouldn't listen when I tried to explain." 

"So what happened then?" Sam asked, I didn't understand how he'd dropped my sudden outburst so suddenly and just wanted to hear about a case that I assumed Dean would of told him the details of. But I didn't question it. 

"Dean came then. Ephriam threw him against the wall and he-"

"Tried to kill the baby?" Sam guessed. 

I shook my head. I didn't want to lie to Sam, Ephriam had never wanted to kill Tanya. He'd wanted me. But then Sam might ask more questions. I just wouldn't answer. I decided that I wouldn't answer. It then wouldn't be a lie but he wouldn't know the truth. 

"He tried to kill me. But Dean passed me the angel blade whilst he was talking and I stabbed him." 

"Why'd he try and kill you?" 

"Pain is pain and he'd broken my wrist." I shrugged, a white lie wouldn't hurt too much. My wrist was broken then. 

"But if pain is pain then surely he would of tried to kill the crying baby and Dean who had been thrown into a wall." 

I bit the inside of my cheek. "Why do you ask so many questions, Sam?" 

Sam huffed out a laugh. "No more dates after that then huh?" 

I shook my head. "No, I don't think I really wanted to go anyway. It felt like I was going through the motions." I shrugged. "I did baby sit a couple more times for Nora though." 

"Only you, Cas. Would rather babysit a crying baby than take a woman out for a dinner." He chuckled. 

"Baby's don't judge." I defended quickly. 

Tanya hadn't known I was any different to any other adult, she wasn't capable of looking at me with pity and disgust. Only mild distress at being sick and being content as I rocked her to sleep. It was rather simple. 

Sam held his hands up in defence. "Y'know I won't judge either, man. If you wanna talk to someone about what it was like when you were human you can talk to me and Dean. Just him if you want. Or just me. Completely up to you." 

"Thank you, Sam." I wiped my eyes again and rested my chin on my knees. 

"No shame in this family, we've all done things that we aren't proud of." He squeezed my shoulder again. 

I sighed. I needed to sleep so that Sam wouldn't get any secrets out of me. He was rather good at making people tell him everything that they didn't want to tell anyone. It was quite a talent.

"I'm tired, I'd like to try and sleep." 

"Okay, I'll get Dean to check on you when he's back." Sam picked up my blanket and the pillows from by the door and pulled me up by grabbing my hand. "Goodnight Cas." He squeezed my shoulder and left the room, leaving the door slightly open. 

I checked his face before he was gone. 

He didn't look like he was disgusted or regretting speaking to me. 

He looked mostly sad. 

And angry. 

But the Winchesters often looked angry. 

I hoped he was okay, but the pillows were so soft and Dean's robe was the comfiest thing I'd ever worn. I couldn't get out of bed if I tried. 

I would make sure Sam was okay in the morning. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay,  
> so i hope you enjoyed it, i'll be starting another chapter as soon as i've slept so expect some more of this fic soon.  
> SOUL AND GRACE EXPLAINED: okay so my theory is that when cas was a human he obviously got a soul, but because cas developed empathy and all of these emotions before having a soul I feel like once we mix a soul AND a grace which has emotions and empathy we just get a boat load of emotions and someone like cas who has no idea what to do with all of these and is too ashamed to ask anyone for the fear of being judged. also the idea of the grace attacking the part of cas that is hurting the most is important to me, cas is viewing his mental state as a gaping hole in his chest, a festering wound. he's a very logical person and thats the only way his brain can comprehend feeling so much pain by imagining that there is a wound to fit the extent of the injury so his grace is working hard to fix that whilst ignoring his actual injuries. we all know that grace can't fix mental states as shown in season eight when cas went crazy.  
> i hope this clears up my thought process if i've not done the best at explaining through cas.  
> hope you're enjoying reading because i sure am enjoying writing this one  
> thank you for all the kudos and comments, means a lot guys


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really happy to hear everyone's enjoying this, makes me very happy.  
> But this fic is making me so sad, I'm sorry that it's making a few of you cry but don't worry, I'm crying with you too.  
> This chapter was a little difficult to write but I think it highlights some important issues with depression and mental health etc.  
> Hope you enjoy it, let me know!

**Castiel's POV**

_I can't believe you didn't tell me a freaking angel designed to stop suffering tried to kill him, Dean!_

_It was after everyone in the town, alright! I didn't think- I didn't think that it meant anything. He told me he was fine dammit._

* * *

_I can't see him like that again, something happened._

_I know._

_Something really bad._

_I know Sam._

* * *

_What do we do with him Dean?_

* * *

Waking up was difficult, I was in and out of sleep. 

Whenever I woke up I thought I heard Sam and Dean talking but it could of just been my dreams leaking into reality, that happened a few times when I was human. It was strange because I didn't usually dream as an angel but I'd definitely dreamt last night. I couldn't remember what it was but it wasn't a bad dream. I'd remember if it was a bad one. 

There was a knock on my door but Dean opened it straight away anyway. 

"Oh, you're awake." He stopped. "I thought you'd still be asleep. Sorry." 

"It's okay." I swallowed. "I'm sorry about yesterday, Dean." 

"Dude that was six days ago." Dean chuckled. "Was gonna call a doctor if you were asleep any longer." 

"A doctor would be confused." I sat up, still wearing Dean's robe. 

He chuckled again. "How are you feeling?" 

"Better." I sighed. 

I almost believed myself too. 

None of the injuries I'd gotten by being tortured were on my body anymore. I was physically fine. 

Nothing was injured. 

There was no reason to complain. 

But I knew that Dean would be asking about my emotional state, he hated chick flick moments and I'd had a chick flick moment with Sam. No doubt he heard about it when he came back to the bunker. He had that look in his eyes again, the one that I couldn't place. I'd never seen it before. 

"Better?" He repeated. 

I nodded. 

"Do you think you'll be up for a drive with me?" 

"Where?" I bit my lip. 

If he was going to drive me to the bus station but not tell me until we were already there I wouldn't blame him. That would be smart and avoid any unnecessary upset on the trip. 

"Just to the diner, I figured that if you're sleeping you might want something to eat. Or to just be outside again." He shrugged. 

"I don't have any money left." My eyes flashed to his. 

"That's okay. Get yourself dressed and meet me at the car?" 

"Is-Is Sam coming?" I asked, if Sam was there he wouldn't take me to the bus station, Sam promised he wouldn't let him. 

"Yeah, if you want him to?"

I nodded. 

"Okay, Cas. Ten minutes?" 

I nodded again, waiting for him to leave before I stood up. 

Getting dressed proved to be more difficult than usual. I stared at my suit for four and a half minutes before turning to my other clothes. 

My dark jeans that Dean had let me have for going on hunts. My purple striped jumper. 

It took me longer than the ten minutes but I got the clothes on. 

Dean was outside my door when I opened it, his hand ready to knock. 

"Oh, you good?"

"Yes." I followed him to the car, Sam was waiting with a smile.

"Hey man, good sleep?" 

"Apparently it was six days." I scrunched my eyebrows as I sat down. 

Sam laughed. "You must of needed it." 

"I think so." I mumbled. 

But the sleep seemed to make everything so much foggier. Instead of the tremendous pain I could barely feel anything again. 

It wasn't the same as when I was an angel. 

I could feel that my pain was still there, it was tearing at itself. But I couldn't really _feel_ it. 

I should of been happy with that discovery but it filled me with unease. 

When would I feel it again? 

It was almost like there was a blanket covering it up, like with the dog videos online that Sam liked. 

The dog would be running around the room. 

Then a blanket was thrown over him, he would stop and stay still underneath the blanket. 

But he was still there, as soon as the blanket was pulled off he would be running around the room again. 

When would my blanket be pulled off? 

"Cas, Want some music?" Sam asked, reaching to the tape deck. 

I shrugged. 

I don't know if he put the music on or not. 

I couldn't help but try and pick apart the blanket covering the wound on my chest.

I knew I would regret it but if I did it myself it would be better than it happening on its own right? 

I found myself sat in the diner beside Sam, Dean was ordering me the food he usually got for himself. 

I stared ahead, the blanket was stuck around the wound. 

I couldn't feel anything but dread. 

My grace swirled around my body freely but weak, damaged. 

Maybe I did need the food after all. 

"Hey uh Cas, you okay?" Dean waved in front of my eyes. 

"Yeah." I nodded. "I'm fine." 

He gave Sam a frown who returned it but I ignored them both, I didn't care if they wanted me to talk to them more. 

Talking led to more upset and I wouldn't let them be the reasons my blanket came off. 

I needed to do that myself. 

I jumped when the food arrived in front of me. 

Dean had the exact same meal as I did, he moaned when he took a bite. 

"Try it, Cas. It's good." He winked. 

I furrowed my eyebrows. 

What if it tasted like molecules again? I didn't want to disappoint Sam and Dean. 

I picked the burger up and took a bite. 

The flavour exploded and melted in my mouth at the same time. I'd never tasted anything like it, I couldn't believe that food could actually be like this. It was so hot that it was almost burning my mouth, the lettuce and tomato were fresh and crispy in my mouth.The onions too, they crunched in my mouth, they didn't have the strange smell that they had in Idaho. 

"Good huh?" Dean nodded whilst eating his own still. 

I nodded in agreement, chewing as slowly as I could. 

I wondered if the second bite would be as mind blowing as the first. 

"Bet you miss having food when you're an angel, huh?" Dean asked. "I couldn't give up food, even if it did taste like molecules." 

_Dean's sandwiches that he'd made me had run out._

_They ran out in the first day._

_Then the money he'd given to me ran out too, I got so cold in the night on the fifth day that I knew I would need a coat._

_At the thrift store I found a waterproof rain coat and a sleeping bag._

_But after buying deodorant, a tooth brush and toothpaste I had no money left._

_I wouldn't beg on the street, I didn't deserve other peoples charity._

_Dean would be calling soon anyway so I would ask him when I could come back._

_But it had been five nights and I hadn't eaten anything._

_Each time I'd gone further into town so I could look in dumpsters for something to eat I'd always heard someone coming so I would leave. Back to the park with no food._

_My stomach was screaming at me now, I knew that wasn't good._

_I knew I needed to eat something or it would get worse and worse._

_I pulled myself up from the stone behind the bush and made my way into the town._

_It was late, very late._

_Almost no one was around. Maybe I'd be able to get some food._

_The first dumpster I tried had nothing._

_The second one was full of rain, I couldn't find anything in there._

_The third dumpster smelt like it had a dead animal inside of it._

_The fourth dumpster was almost empty._

_The fifth dumpster was empty._

_The sixth dumpster was also empty._

_I was starting to lose hope when I came across the seventh dumpster, it was starting to get light outside. I heard people starting to wake up and get into their cars._

_I made quick work of searching._

_Right at the bottom I found a take out bag, it was the same design as the burgers I had when Famine was in town._

_I opened it quickly, the smell was different that I remember it made my nose scrunch up and my stomach flip over. But it was this or nothing._

_I unwrapped the half eaten burger and swallowed the bile that rose after looking at it._

_I felt tears come to my eyes as I ate it._

_It was disgusting, I hid behind the dumpster as I ate, if anyone could see me eating this now I didn't know what I would do._

_My tears spilled onto the burger but it was already wet and soggy anyway, it didn't make any difference._

_It took a long time to eat the rest of it, I had to force myself to finish it._

_Regardless of how vile it looked and tasted I knew it would give me energy to figure out what to do next._

_I barely made it to the park before I started to throw up._

_I didn't stop being sick for hours and hours._

_I'd never been sick before but I'd seen Sam be sick twice, the first time it was a hunt, something that the witches had put together brought up the avocado toast Sam had eaten for breakfast which Dean teased him for but he was rubbing his back and even shoved his hair back as Sam was sick._

_The second time was at Bobby Singers house, Sam had the flu and Dean had asked me to come down and heal him regardless of the fact I was fighting with Raphael, I still did it. But just before I could see that Sam was lay on the sofa, sweat dripping off him as he was sick in the bucket on the floor. Dean lifted his head up and made him drink some water and had a cold towel pressed to his forehead to bring his temperature down._

_How I wished Dean would rub my back and help me now._

_But Dean was busy. He didn't need to know I was sick. It was my own fault for eating the rancid food._

_My energy was even lower than before._

_At least I could be warm in my raincoat and my sleeping bag._

_I would figure out how to get nicer food in the next few days and if anyone ever asked, I wouldn't tell them I'd eaten the burger._

_They'd laugh at me for being stupid enough to eat something like that._

"Yes, o-of course." I nodded, trying not to think of the half of a burger as I took my second bite. 

It was easy to forget as they were nothing alike. The colour of each of them being the biggest difference. 

"So Cas, you gonna be out tomorrow?" Sam asked. 

"Why?" I tilted my head. 

"It's Thursday." He explained. 

"Oh." 

"You don't have to." Dean glared at Sam. "You can rest up a bit more before you go back to normal if you want?" 

I shook my head. 

I'd spent almost a week resting. I needed to help my friends. 

"I'll be out tomorrow, yes." 

"Do you want one of us to come with you?" Sam asked. 

"I'm not a child." I huffed, eating my food. 

Sam broke into a grin. "There he is." He laughed.

Dean chuckled. "Okay, well I'll make sure you've got a new phone by tomorrow okay?" 

"Alright." 

I finished my food in silence, Sam and Dean didn't seem to be talking as much as usual either. 

I didn't let it concern me. 

If I let it concern me it could rip the blanket off. 

I'd do that myself when we got back to the bunker. I could lock myself in my room then and they wouldn't know until my body had gotten used to it again. 

"Wanna sit shotgun, Cas?" Sam asked when we were on our way out. 

"No thank you." 

"Cas!" I heard a familiar voice and turned around at the same time that Sam and Dean did. 

It was Jerry. 

He was okay. 

He'd cleaned himself up well. 

"Hello, Jerry." 

"I wondered what was going on, where've you been?" He asked. 

"I was uh-resting." I nodded to myself. 

"Not gonna introduce us to your friend, Cas?" Dean nudged me with his elbow. 

"Oh." I realised that it was a requirement to introduce people. Jerry knew who they were but they didn't know him.

"This is my friend Jerry." I explained. "Jerry and I watch the sky together sometimes." 

"Dean. This is my brother Sam." Dean held his hand out and Jerry shook it and then Sam's.

"Yeah, Cas has told me a lot about you both." Jerry smiled. "Nice to finally meet you. Cas are you-" He started. 

I knew he'd be asking if I would show up tomorrow. 

I didn't think he'd expose what I was doing to Sam and Dean but I didn't want to take the chance. 

"Of course." I interrupted him. 

His lips thinned. "Yeah, okay. Good. You're good right?"

"Yes." I nodded quickly. "We need to go." 

Jerry sighed at me. "I'll see you later then, Cas. Nice meeting you." He smiled at Sam and Dean but I could tell that he didn't want to. 

I watched him walk away, I hoped he wasn't angry with me. 

"He seems nice." Sam said as we got into the car. 

"He's a good friend." 

"How come we've never heard of him before?" Dean asked. 

I shrugged. 

Dean rolled his eyes but started the drive back to the bunker. 

* * *

"I just don't get why you're playing happy families with them when you were a wreck last week." Jerry sighed as I chopped the vegetables for the soup we were making. 

Jerry had been working at the motel as a handy man and they gave him the room for the entire month at a discounted rate of 200 dollars, the rest of the money I'd given to him he was spending a little on food every now and then. But he was trying his hardest to find a proper job so he could afford the motels discounted rate. 

"I think I overreacted last week." I pulled the largest pan from the underneath cupboard and set it up on the stove. 

"You were terrified, man. I was worried I was gonna have to follow you. I was looking out for that pretty car of theirs for days." 

"You didn't need to do that." I huffed. 

"Yeah, I did. You're my friend and I'm looking out for you. You look out for me all the time." 

"I suppose." I considered it, the hole was still covered with the blanket so I was better now. He had no reason to worry. "I spoke to Sam when I got back. Dean left." 

"Left?"

"He was angry I think. Sam and I spoke a little." 

"Did you tell him?" 

"No." I rolled my eyes, when would Jerry accept that I wasn't telling Sam or Dean what had happened? "He told me he wouldn't let Dean make me leave again." 

"You believe him?"

"Sam's never lied to me." 

"Dean has." 

"I've lied to them both." I sighed. "It's in the past. It doesn't matter." 

"It does if you're still hurt about it." Jerry passed me the potatoes and put the vegetables I'd already chopped into the pan, making sure the stove wasn't turned on. 

"I'm not hurt about it. I feel better than I've felt in weeks." I nodded. 

"Then why aren't you smiling? You're not feeling better, you're numb Cas. That's worse." 

"No it's not." I argued. 

Jerry held his hands up. "All I wanna do is help you out. Sam and Dean? They were looking at you like they're waiting for you to break and honestly I don't blame them." 

"Are you trying to upset me?" I sighed. 

"Yes." Jerry's eyes widened. "I'm trying to get a freaking reaction." 

"You're not in luck." I rolled my eyes at him. Nothing he was saying hurt, it all bounced off the blanket around my chest. 

Jerry groaned. "Cas, this isn't healthy." 

I didn't care. 

_I had always used to pray to my Father._

_It was my first response to anything that happened._

_I would pray to him._

_As a young angel I would pray after training with my brothers and sisters, I would explain how I was struggling with being thrown about due to Uriel being larger than me but how I excelled in flying and combat during flight._

_Once I was older and served under Ishim I would pray to Him and tell Him all of the missions we'd completed._

_Then once I served under Anna I would pray to my Father and admit how I was struggling with the thoughts that Anna shared with me, she told me how she wished to fall and I knew I should tell our superiors but Anna was one of the closest siblings I had. I prayed for guidance._

_Once Anna fell I was put in charge of our garrison and I prayed to Father and told Him that I would make him proud. I would take care of everyone and I wouldn't let Him down._

_When saving Dean from Hell I prayed to my Father to give me and my brothers and sisters strength as we flew, I prayed for forgiveness that two of my brothers died on the mission. I apologised that I had been injured too. I prayed that Dean would be okay, I prayed that he wouldn't be burdened by the memories of Hell, I'd seen how bright his soul was and how damaged it was due to Hell, Zachariah had told me not to clear his memory. I prayed to understand why._

_I prayed to my Father more and more through the years I'd known Dean._

_He'd never responded so I didn't know why I thought He would now._

_But I had the hope._

_"Father." I put my hands together at the back of the church, sinking to my knees. "It's Castiel, I don't have my grace in case you don't know who I am. I'm a human now, I have no one else to ask. No one else who might help. I can't bother Dean with my questions but you have resurrected me before so I was-maybe you could help me? I don't expect you to make me an angel again. That would be too much to ask for. I understand that I was stupid and I brought this on myself but-Father...the pain." I felt the tears slipping down my cheeks, I quickly wiped my face._

_"The pain is too strong, I don't think that I can take it for much longer. I know I must eat and sleep, I must keep myself alive. But I can't bring myself to do these things anymore. It hurts too much. I find myself unable to complete simple tasks at work. The store room floor is so cold at night but at-at least it isn't the park anymore. I can't- I can't stop thinking about what Ephriam said Father, he told me what I was feeling and I know it's true. I wanted him to end it but I know it's- it's a cowards death. You wouldn't be proud if I accepted that. I-I just need something but I don't know what it is. There's this hole in my chest, it's been there since D-Dean told me to go. And it just keeps getting bigger and it hurts awfully bad. I can't fix it, Father. Please. Please fix me. Please just stop me from feeling so many things. It makes it so much worse." I wiped my face again, resting my forehead on the pew in front of me, closing my eyes._

_"Father, please. I can't carry on."_

I carried on in the soup kitchen, ignoring Jerry trying to 'get a reaction' from me. It didn't work. 

I didn't stay out and help the people who lived outside, I went back to the bunker instead. 

I didn't know why. 

I couldn't bring myself to help today. 

Dean found me in the Library on one of the chairs staring ahead. 

"You okay?" He asked. 

I nodded. 

"Yeah, I get it." He patted my knee and took the chair beside me. "Glad you picked the comfy ones and not those." He smiled. 

"These are bigger." I explained and nodded down to my crossed legs. 

He grinned. "You not wanna read?" 

I shook my head. "I don't wanna do anything." 

"Mind if I join you in not doing anything?" 

I shook my head. 

He sat with me for hours, he sat with me until it started to hurt again. 

The corners of the blanket slowly peeled away, letting little scratches out. 

Dean left to get a drink, telling me he would be back soon. 

When he got back the blanket was fully off and I couldn't find it anywhere. 

I grit my teeth, why had I picked at it? 

I knew I would regret trying to pull it away so much, now it had disappeared. 

"You want one?" Dean asked. 

I nodded. 

Dean poured me some whiskey into a glass and handed it to me, sitting down and keeping the bottle on the side table that separated our chairs. 

He re filled my glass as I drank them and did the same with his own. 

The pain was intense and fiery, but somehow the fire of the whiskey down my throat soothed the burn. 

The phrase fighting fire with fire just makes a bigger fire made no sense to me now. 

It wasn't only my chest that the alcohol affected, it made my brain cloudy and unfocused. 

I could hardly remember where I was and why Dean was sat with me but I knew not to open my mouth or things would come out. 

"Hey Cas?" 

I turned to look at him. 

"I understand okay? I want you to know that no matter what it is, I understand." He reached towards my hand and squeezed it just like he did in the car. 

I stared at our hands intertwined and squeezed back hard. 

"I got you, buddy." He kept hold of my hand and drank more, passing the bottle to me instead of filling our glasses. 

I let a few tears slip out before blinking the rest away. 

I think I believed him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter will be up in a few hours guys, lotta love.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took a long time, sorry but I gotta admit it was difficult to get it out the way I wanted it.   
> Trigger warning for kind of self harm, if you're struggling like cas is please reach out for help x  
> I hope you enjoy  
> :)

**Castiel's POV**

All of a sudden things were mostly back to normal. 

Sam and Dean would leave and work cases for a few days, Dean would call me when they arrived in the town at let me know what he was thinking of the case. 

He would then call me throughout the hunt and let me know how it was going and then he'd call me when they were on the way back to the bunker. 

Somehow he always ended up passing the diner that I would have my car parked at just as I was getting there from the soup kitchen and we'd all have dinner in the diner, unless of course they were covered in dirt and blood which wasn't that often when they went on hunts without me. 

I'd come along to the hunts that they thought would need more people. 

Sam had tried speaking to me a few times but I'd refused to let him, at first I was polite and declined his offers but the last few times I just pretended I didn't hear him. 

Dean didn't try and talk to me about it at all, he'd just sit with me on my bad days and stare at the walls with me. Sometimes he would hold my hand, sometimes he wouldn't. It helped a little. 

The thing that made me smile the most was of course Jerry having a place to call home. 

He'd gotten a job at the local animal shelter and he helped out at the motel so he got his room for 200 dollars a month and now we worked together at the soup kitchen. We would both still 'hang out' on Thursday nights in the park and watch the stars together. He was looking so much better now too, he'd recently bought a new t-shirt from Walmart, it was his first piece of new clothing in two years and I was incredibly proud of him. I wanted to tell Sam and Dean all about it but I stopped myself and instead I bought Jerry a phone as a congratulations. Sam was suspicious on why I wanted to know about different kinds of mobile phones but I didn't answer his questions. 

I was doing a lot better. 

My good days were good, those were the days that the hole in my chest didn't bother me as much. It was quiet and would only twinge every now and then, sometimes on a good day I could feel it shrinking. 

My okay days were okay, those were the days that the hole in my chest was always twinging, nothing too major, I would spend most of my day in the bunker on those days unless they were on the days that I went to the soup kitchen, even then I could split up my morning and my evening between the two.. I would help Sam with translating the ancient books and I would help Dean make dinner for him and Sam. Sometimes I would find myself wanting food too and Dean always asked if I wanted some and he wouldn't mind what my answer would be like I worried he would if I said that I did want some. 

My bad days were bad, those were the days that the hole in my chest would be howling and aching, never letting up, not even for a moment. It was on the bad days that I would sit and stare at the walls with Dean. I had a bad day whilst they were working a case once and Dean called me to say that he was going to bed soon but wanted to let me know that they'd be back in the morning because they were too tired to drive. Dean must of heard something in my voice because he stayed on the phone with me for an hour and talked and talked about anything he could. Hearing his voice drowned out the hole in my chest shouting. But it never silenced it. 

My really bad days were really bad, those were the days that the hole in my chest made it impossible for me to move. I'd lock myself in my room and text both Sam and Dean that I wanted to be left alone and they listened and wouldn't knock on my door unless it lasted more than two days then one of them would pick the lock and check on me. I didn't like the really bad days, I felt useless. Stuck inside the bunker unable to help myself, never mind any of my friends at the soup kitchen. After a really bad day I would spend most of my time in the soup kitchen for the next few days. 

I saw more and more people coming to the kitchen too, more people came than left. 

In all the time I'd been going it was only Jerry and a woman named Francesca who had managed to stop needing to come. I never saw Francesca again. I was happy for her, I assumed she'd gotten out of this way of life. 

I'd never had anything worse than a really bad day until now. 

Now was the worst of days. 

We were in Idaho. 

The case was supposed to be in Wyoming, a vampire nest. But the nest had moved so we carried on into Idaho. 

I saw the sign and the hole in my chest screeched at me. 

I grit my teeth and stared at my feet, I wouldn't break. 

Dean and Sam were oblivious in the front of the car, talking about who would kill the most vampires this time. How they both wanted to go for the record. 

I was scared because this felt worse than a really bad day, I didn't know what that meant I would do. 

"Not this one." I mumbled when Dean tried to turn into a motel. 

"Why?" He raised an eyebrow at me as he stopped the car. 

"Not this one." I mumbled again. 

He sighed. "Cas, I've been driving for eleven hours man-"

"Please." I bit the inside of my cheek until I tasted blood. 

"Dean." Sam muttered, looking at him. 

They whispered to each other and looked at me but I ignored them both. 

I couldn't stay here. 

I'd slept behind the dumpsters behind the rooms here and-

I shook the thoughts out of my head. 

No. 

I bit my cheek again, tasting the blood that spilled. 

Dean got out of the car, Sam slid into the drivers seat and Dean opened the door in the back and slid into the seat beside me. 

"I think there's one about an hour away." Dean mumbled. 

I felt his hand on mine, I tried to snatch it away. 

His touch hurt. 

I looked at the hand I'd taken back, it was full of scratches, my other hand had blood under the nails. They were both shaking.

He grabbed my hand again. 

"No, Cas." He said firmly and held my hand in both of his. 

I glared at the floor. 

"This one okay?" Sam asked when we arrived in another parking lot. 

I'd never been here before. 

I nodded. 

I didn't remember getting into the motel room but I was there and I couldn't hear anything either of them said to me, my focus was on not letting the hole in my chest wail loud enough for them to hear. I forced myself to close my eyes so the tears wouldn't come out, I lay face down on the sofa. 

I only knew it was now morning when Dean lifted my legs up so he could sit down, he put my legs back over his once he was comfortable. 

"I just don't understand why they would move from Wyoming? Did they know we were coming?" Sam sighed. 

I turned my head to look at him, he was sat at the dining table staring at his laptop in irritation. 

"They probably realised they'd left too many bodies behind." Dean said. "They won't be fully settled in their nest until tomorrow at least so we have today as a free day to do whatever." 

"Probably a good thing." Sam's lips thinned. 

"How you feeling buddy?" He asked me.

I shrugged. 

"You don't have to come with us, you could stay here for this one. I'm sure Jody or someone could make the trip." 

I sighed. 

I just wanted to help, it would be a waste of me joining them if I couldn't help them. I tried to force myself to speak but it wasn't working, I could barely open my mouth.

Dean bit his lip seeming to understand my face. "We'll see how you feel when we're crashing the nest, if you're up to it." He tapped my leg twice for me to move. 

Dean stood up and sat with Sam so I stretched my legs out again. 

The hole in my chest was getting more and more quiet as the day went along, I thought that it meant that I would be able to move or talk soon. 

I really wanted to stand up and talk with Sam and Dean, help them sharpen the machete's, help them track the license plates of the vampires. 

But I was being a waste of space laying on the sofa and I knew it. 

If they mentioned it I couldn't hear them. 

"C'mon tough guy, sit up. Eat your burger." Dean's hand was on my shoulder as he pulled me into a sitting position and put the tray of food on my lap. 

"I'm not hungry-" 

"You've fallen asleep twice today, eat up." Sam interjected. 

"But-"

"Cas, I ain't seeing you going hungry. Eat your damn food." Dean sighed, a hand on his face as he sat beside me and started eating his own. 

But when I was actually hungry he didn't care. 

I glared at the burger in front of me, I hated it because it wasn't there when I was human. Where was it? I needed it more than anything else then and now when I could quite easily not eat it was thrust in front of me. 

"Cas." Dean warned. 

I sighed but picked up the burger, dropping it back on the tray when I saw the state that my hands were in. 

Deep scratches on both of them, they were both red raw. 

Had I done that to myself? 

Why?

"Yeah, we'll fix you up after dinner." Dean nodded. 

"I don't feel well." I managed to speak. I'd heard both of them say that was a reason for not eating before. 

"Dammit Cas. Just please, try at least a bite. That's all I'm asking for buddy. C'mon." 

I did as he asked. 

But it felt so wrong. 

There were so many people in the area who were all starving and would die for the bite that I'd just had. 

It wasn't right. 

Suddenly the burger was gone and Sam was in front of me, his hands on top of mine on my knees. 

"Cas, stop." Sam tried to catch my eyes but where had the burger gone? How did he get over to me so quickly? "Can you hear me? Can he hear me?" He looked up at Dean. 

"Hey, Cas?" Dean shook my shoulder. 

I tore my eyes away from Sam's direction to look towards Dean, I couldn't find his eyes. Just his shoulders. 

"Yeah, he can hear us. Cas, you're spacing out man. What's going on?" Dean asked.

I shook my head. 

I couldn't speak. 

If I spoke it would get worse. 

I knew it would get worse. 

They were going to clear the vampire nest and leave me here. I could see it happening. 

I knew if I just acted normal they wouldn't leave me but I couldn't force myself to talk. I wanted to scream and rip my hair out, tear my skin off. 

_The restroom was only small but it had a full length mirror inside of it._

_I'd already spent longer in here than I should of, I was learning how to properly shave after Daniel had taught me how._

_I believe that I was pretty good at it by now._

_I only nicked my skin once or twice each time._

_My reflection stared back at me, I was so used to being able to see my halo and my wings in the reflection, I was taken aback that I had only just noticed that they had really gone._

_When I looked harder the only thing that resembled me three months ago was the colour of my eyes, but even then they looked dim._

_How I missed my wings._

_I was always too prideful of them, I knew that._

_They were large and a pristine white not a decade ago and I was the best of all the angels at my level at combat whilst flying and the fastest flyer. I was prideful. That's why I was chosen to raise Dean from Hell, they thought I would have the best chances at succeeding._

_They were right._

_But it was a close call._

_My wings were damaged in the mission, Hell fire had engulfed both of my wings as I carried Dean. I'd flinched, screamed and yelled out which made me drop Dean._

_Balthazar shouted to me and snapped me out of thinking of the fire on my wings._

_I flew back down to catch Dean before he was lost forever in Hell._

_I caught him and my hand pulled at his shoulder, he reached back which he hadn't done before, his hand grabbed at the fire on my wings until his hand was fully in one of my wings as I tried to get some momentum to get us back out of Hell. But the way his hand fell stopped the fire but the fire was still present underneath his hand, it seared his hand print onto my wing and my hand print seared his shoulder at the same time._

_He growled and yelled, trying to push me away from him but his hand stayed and so did mine._

_We made it._

_We made it out._

_I rebuilt him and returned to Heaven so I could recover but I didn't recover properly._

_My wings were irreversible, they were now burned black with a hand print, Dean's hand print._

_My wings became a source of shame._

_No angel had ever had black wings before._

_No angel had had their wings marked by anything, never mind a human soul._

_But I grew to not mind them, they proved that I did one good thing in my life and that was raising Dean out from Hell. But now there was no evidence because I had no wings, I had no true form. This was it._

_I shrugged my clothes off, I'd been in here a very long time I might as well wash my clothes in the sink too._

_But that mirror made me catch sight of my body again._

_It wasn't the lack of halo and wings that struck me this time._

_It was the way that my hips stuck out from my body, I was sure my ribs hadn't been that visible when I'd gotten the tattoo to ward myself._

_I gulped and stared just in my underwear and socks._

_I was full of unhealed cuts and bruises going all up and down my body, my skin used to have a natural tan to it from Jimmy Novak but now my skin was darker, I'd been outside and actually catching the sun now but the tan was in odd places like my hands and face, the line that stopped the tan was obvious. The bags under my eyes were deep and purple. My cheeks seemed hollow and that made my face look smaller, I could see my collar bones clearly and the bones in my shoulders were more pronounced. I'd always had muscle on this vessel but now it had all seemed to fade away, my arms were long and thin, my legs similar._

_I felt sick looking at it. I hated everything. There wasn't anything good about it. Any good feature that Jimmy had I had ruined._

_I wanted to tear myself apart and start again, I used to have the ability to heal and re build but now it seemed I could only destroy._

_I rushed to put my clothes back on, keeping them unwashed, they would last another day and quickly left the restroom before I'd catch a sight of myself in the mirror again._

"Cas c'mon man. What can I do?"

I shrugged again. 

I 'spaced out' again, where would I go when they left me here? Would they leave me with the credit card or not? Would Dean give me a new phone with only his number on it again? 

Or would it not have anyone's number? 

I knew his number anyway. 

I think. 

I think I knew it. 

"I'm gonna take him on a drive, you try and figure out whatever the Hell this is." I heard Dean say. "We'll be back in a couple hours." 

_We'll be back_

He wasn't going to take me somewhere and leave me. 

I let Dean take me out to the car, his hand wrapped around my arm. 

"Right, Cas. I want you to hold my hand the entire time okay? You keep hurting yourself. If you wanna stop holding my hand then we pull over and have a break but when I'm driving I'm holding, got it?"

I nodded quickly. 

"Good." He shut my door and got in on his side, he started up the car and grabbed my hand, driving with his left hand instead. 

I squeezed his hand in time with the aches of my chest. 

He winced when there was a big ache. 

"I'm sorry." 

"It's fine Cas, weird rhythm you got going on there." 

I ignored him again, trying to stop squeezing. 

The car stopped. 

"Cas, stop it." He growled. 

"What?" I turned to him, I hadn't let go of him. 

"You're hitting your hand against the door, I can hear you. Stop it." 

"I-" I tried to say I didn't know that I was doing it but that would make me seem even more crazy. 

"It's okay." Dean sighed, breathing through his nose. "Just please, stop trying to hurt yourself." 

"I-" I tried again but I couldn't even remember what we were talking about. 

I pulled up my other hand and it was bruised and bloody. 

I didn't remember doing that to it. 

"Stay there." Dean got out of the car and headed to the trunk. 

When he came back he cleaned and bandaged both of my hands, he kept looking up at my face but I was looking down at the scratches, my hands looked how my chest felt most of the time.

How strange. 

"How come you're not healing?" He asked. 

I felt around for my grace but I couldn't feel anything other than the pain in my chest. 

I shrugged. 

"Right. That should keep you okay for a while. Is it because we're in Idaho?" He asked, taking the hand he had before, trying to catch my eye. 

I shrugged, but the tears that welled in my eyes told him that it was. 

"I'm sorry man, we weren't supposed to be here." He swallowed. "I know it fucked you up but I didn't think it was this bad. I-I wish I knew how to fix it, Cas. I wish I did." Dean let go of my hand and pulled me into him, my head falling into his neck. 

I wouldn't let myself cry. 

I wouldn't. 

Dean hated chick flick moments. 

"Cas, I'll make it up to you I swear. I'm gonna call some hunters and get them to take this case and we're gonna go home." 

"But that's not fair-" I started to argue. 

"It's not fair that you're in the state you're in, man." He rubbed my back.

I wouldn't cry. 

"I promise we'll never take a case in this damned state if it makes you happy." 

"You can't promise that, what if demons start killing everyone in Idaho?" 

"Then they're gonna have to get stopped by someone else. Or I'd just leave you at the bunker. Maybe you could stay with that friend of yours, Johnny. He'll make sure you're okay." 

"His name is Jerry." I huffed. 

Dean chuckled and pulled away from me. "You never gotta come here again, I swear." 

"But what if-" 

"Cas. Let's go get Sam and go home." Dean stopped me, starting the car and taking my hand again. 

* * *

Sam says that I had a 'break' or an 'episode'. 

He said that because I was hurting myself but couldn't remember doing it, it was really dangerous and I should tell either him or Dean if it started to happen again. 

I ignored his advice. 

I wasn't some kind of child. 

I could take care of myself. 

As an angel anyway. 

But it didn't seem like it would be happening again. 

I had a few bad days after it and then a few okay days and then a few good days too. 

My scratches and bruises on my hands healed on the okay days. I could feel my grace again which was a comfort. 

But the way both Sam and Dean were watching me made me uneasy. 

I spent more and more time at the soup kitchen, no one looked at me like I was about to have an 'episode' there. They simply saw me as a normal guy helping out. 

It was so simple and uncomplicated that it soothed the hole in my chest. 

It was all okay for a week. 

Of course something bad had happened. 

Cindy told me on Monday when I came to help and set up the soup kitchen, I'd brought lots of clothes from the thrift stores and I even brought the freshest vegetables that I could find.

Jerry and I had carried them all the way from the car, both of us laughing as we tried to see where we were going by looking around the boxes. 

"Hi Cas." She greeted, and took one of the boxes of clothes off me, I could see where I was going now they were stacked so high. "Hi, Jerry, can you put them in the kitchen please." She smiled at him, seeing that he was carrying the box full of vegetables. 

Cindy put the box inside and then took the other two boxes down and led me outside. 

"What's wrong?" Her already sad eyes were even more sad now. 

"You remember Francesca right? Young girl, dark hair, always wore that pink hair clip." 

I nodded. "She got out of this life right?" 

Cindy shook her head, a tear escaping. 

"They found her dead in Topeka."

"What?" I swallowed the bile that rose in my throat. "But- How?"

"Cops are saying she just gave up." 

"Oh God." I felt the sinking feeling in my stomach, the hole in my chest wailed. "But she stopped coming? She was doing fine here." 

Cindy shrugged. "She was a good kid, Cas. I think sometimes it all just gets too much for these people."

I nodded. 

I understood. 

Who would tell that girls family? Did she have a family? 

_I'd started thinking about giving up now._

_Thinking about not going to work at the Gas'n'Sip._

_Thinking about sleeping in the park again even though it was colder at nighttime now._

_Thinking about not washing in restrooms._

_Thinking about not rummaging through dumpsters to eat rotting food._

_Thinking about not keeping my phone charged up because Dean wouldn't call anyway._

_I could just stop doing all of the things that were barely keeping me here and I could just lie down and wait for my reaper to show up._

_I could do that and there was no one to stop me._

_No one to tell me off for trying._

_There would be no 'We need you, I need you.' This time._

_Dean doesn't need me. Who possibly could? What use was I to anyone?_

_I should just give up._

_I wondered who would find me._

_Who would tell Sam and Dean?_

_Would anyone even tell them?_

_What if Dean needed me one day and would call my phone but obviously I wouldn't be there to pick it up. He would drive here and look for me. He wouldn't find me. He'd think I'd disappeared._

_He'd think that I didn't want him._

_T_ _hat I didn't need him._

_No._

_I couldn't cause Dean to have a hole in his chest too._

_I would keep trying, just in case Dean will need me._

_I carved a message into the back of the phone he'd given to me with my angel blade._

**_Cas' phone if found pls call: 1-866-907-3235_ **

_If I did end up accidentally giving up at least someone would call Dean and tell him._

_I'd try not to though._

_For Dean._

"Cas, you okay?" Cindy asked. 

I shook my head. 

"I need to go." I felt my body sinking, the hole in my chest wailed, I wanted to run away but it was turning into a bad day. 

"Want me to call someone?" She asked. 

"They can't know." I grit my teeth. 

Jerry came into my vision then. "Cas, I know you don't want them to know but you need to get home." I felt him take my phone from my pocket. 

"No." I felt a tear slide down my cheek. 

"Dude, c'mon. You need one of them to get you." Jerry huffed. "Dean's the one you're closer to, I'll call him." 

"Let me talk." I demanded, I forced my arm to move to grab my phone. 

"Cas! Hello?" Dean shouted down the speaker. 

"Sorry." I answered, putting it to my ear. 

"What's up, I thought you'd be busy until 10?"

"Bad day." I mumbled. 

"Oh." Dean shuffled around on the phone. "D'you need me to come and get you?"

I couldn't speak now, my breathing was getting faster and faster. 

"Turn your GPS on." Dean demanded.

"It's on." I managed to get out. 

"I'll be ten minutes. Stay where you are. Don't move." 

"Is he coming?" Jerry asked, biting his lip. "If he isn't you can stay at my motel room, we'll figure it out." 

I nodded slowly. "He's coming." 

"He might not realise where we are." Jerry tried. 

"He's not stupid." 

"Could of fooled me." Jerry huffed. 

I stared away from him, Dean would notice where we were immediately. 

There were people who slept outside staring to arrive now but it usually took about twenty minutes to get everyone inside. I hated that I wouldn't be able to stay to feed them and talk to them but I could barely stand up. 

Dean might see what was happening and figure it all out. 

What if he drives away? Just drives past me. 

Could he do that? 

Dean is a lot of things but nasty and cruel isn't one of them. 

Headlights flashed in my eyes and suddenly Dean was all around me, his jacket wrapped around my shoulders. 

"Get in, buddy." He pulled me to the car. 

I sat down and leaned against the window. 

Dean stayed outside when Jerry stopped him. 

I wanted to figure out what they were saying to each other but instead of reading their lips I saw Dean's eyes roam around the area, full of people who slept outside. It was clear what this was. 

Dean opened the door and sat down with a big sigh. 

"Home time, feathers?" He smiled. 

I nodded. 

"This what you've been doing all this time? All that sneaking out? You've been helping at a soup kitchen?" He asked. 

"Are you angry?" I asked, the hole stuttered in the pain. 

"I'm confused, that's what I am, pal." Dean sighed and started the car. "Why would I be angry?" 

"Because I lied." 

"You never said where you were going so you didn't lie." He pursed his lips. "Why would I be mad at you for helping people?" 

I shrugged. 

"Because I was a dick to you about the leads on the vamp case a while back?" He nodded to himself. 

"I guess." 

"I don't hate homeless people, dude. You could of told me." 

I huffed, making it clear that I didn't want to talk about it 

"Do you want me to stay with you?" He asked when we got into the bunker. "Or Sam could."

I thought about it. 

He'd confused me so much tonight. 

"Only if you don't talk. I gotta think." 

I didn't want him to talk over the ache today, I needed to think it through. 

"Deal." He grinned and followed me to my room. 

We didn't speak, just sat above the covers on my bed, our legs touching, both of us staring at the walls, Dean would go on his phone every now and then and as promised he stayed quiet whilst I tried to sort through my thoughts. 

Francesca deserved much better than she got, I couldn't imagine her giving up. If I'd known I would of spoken to her more. 

It was strange to think that my reason for not giving up was sat beside me. 

I shoved that memory down, I didn't need it twice in one day. 

It had already made an okay day into a bad one, the last thing I needed was a really bad day or another worse day. 

Dean didn't get angry about what I'd been doing. 

I turned to look at him, he was looking through a book he must of found under my pillow. He clearly wasn't reading it, just keeping his hands busy.

He didn't look like he was thinking about anything, he didn't look angry either. 

Dean looked like he was relaxed. 

But how could he be when he had just found out this? Surely he would of figured it all out by now? Dean isn't stupid. 

He turned to look back at me, the question of 'what's wrong?' in his eyes. 

_What is **wrong** with **you** , Cas?_

_I looked away._

Not yet. 

I wanted to enjoy this for just a little longer. 

I moved my leg closer to his and he took my hand and squeezed it, looking back at the book. 

The aching was a little quieter. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope that what Cas is going through is getting through in this chapter, it was difficult to describe when Cas can barely figure out what is happening to his own body.   
> I promise that in a few chapters we won't be crying all the time ahaha  
> thank you all for your kind comments, they're lifting me up :)   
> New chapter in the next few hours


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thank you so much for all the support for this fic,   
> it means a lot especially since writing this is quite draining i keep finding myself needing to take breaks because it's quite heavy.   
> just a little trigger warning for y'all, this chapter is quiet heavy and mentions thoughts and actions of self harm, mental break etc so if you're sensitive to things like that please be cautious as you're reading and reach out for help if you find yourself needing it.

**Castiel's POV**

Waking up in my room alone, dark and covered with a blanket confused me at first. 

The last thing I remembered was staring at the walls with Dean and trying to make sense of the aching and trying to come to terms with Dean knowing what I was doing with my time. But now Dean wasn't in my room, the side of the bed he was sitting on was cold and empty and I was underneath the covers on my stomach. The lights were off and it was pitch black.

Usually I would be able to see fine in this lighting but my eyes were bleary, I reached for the lamp beside the bed. 

I turned it on and I noticed a sticky note written by Dean. 

_Text me if it's still a bad day when you wake up- D_

I smiled at the note and put it in the drawer of the cabinet the lamp was on and got myself out of bed and text him.

_I think it's an okay day today_

The reply was instant. 

**Dean: Awesome, does that mean we can translate some really boring ass books all day?**

I grinned, that would be nice to spend my day doing that. 

But I wanted to go to the soup kitchen and make up for not being there last night, I wanted to speak to more people and tell them that giving up shouldn't be an option. 

_Until 6_

**Dean: Get your ass into the library then**

I changed out of my jeans and purple striped jumper, I was happy that I was able to fix it with my grace, I knew I would be upset if I lost that. 

I dressed in my usual clothes, I felt better when I wore the suit with the blue tie and my coat. It felt like I was me again. 

"Morning Sunshine." Dean greeted and handed me a cup of coffee when I entered.

I smiled and sat beside him, pulling up a book and my notepad that was waiting. 

"Good morning, Dean. Sam." I greeted. 

"Morning, Cas. Ready for some headaches?" Sam smirked and handed me the translating he'd already done. 

"I don't think you'll need me for this soon." I mused as I looked over, he'd only made a couple of mistakes in translating it but it was literate still. 

Sam rolled his eyes. "Believe me Cas, just because I cracked one page on here doesn't mean I can translate this entire library. Guess you're stuck with me for a while," 

"That's fine by me." I felt a small twinge in my chest, it was easy to ignore. 

We worked all day on the books, mumbling phrases to one another as the day went by. 

Dean tried to join in a few times but he said that languages with a different alphabet made his eyes hurt so he decided that he would do something in the kitchen instead. 

"Cas?" Sam asked once he left. 

I looked up. 

"So uh- Dean, he told me about where you were last night." 

I waited for my chest to ache but all that happened were a couple of sharp scratches. 

"I think it's really cool that you've been doing that y'know. I mean it's really good of you to help people like that. We just kinda help the people in danger from vamps and stuff but you're-you're helping so many people every day." 

"You really think it's good?" I asked shakily. 

He broke into a smile. "Course I do, man. I went to a soup kitchen after I ran away and I was terrified because they were all scary and rough looking but they-all the homeless people- they uh, they really listened to what was going on in my head and made sure that I had money for a motel room. Gave me their last dollars because I was only like fourteen or something." 

"I didn't know you did that." I mumbled. 

Sam had slept outside like I had? Was he ashamed to admit it too? Did Dean know?

"It was only a couple days but I never forgot, what they go through is hard enough. I mean soup kitchens really do help them out, Dean found me there and dragged me home the second night that I was out. Gave the people who'd helped me their money back and yelled at me the entire way back to the motel for being stupid and running away." Sam chuckled.

"Why did you run?" I asked. 

Sam let out a big sigh. "I didn't want to be a hunter, I thought that anything would be better so I thought I could make it on my own. But I was in such a rush to go before Dean got back from hustling pool that I didn't take any food with me and Dean was bringing money back so-" He shook his head. "It was a stupid thing to do, I thought that anything would be better than being a hunter. Even that." 

"And it wasn't?" I asked. 

I still hadn't figured out if he'd slept outside or not, did he sleep in the motel that the people at the soup kitchen had gotten for him? 

He laughed. "Definitely not. God, I remember shivering behind some dumpster and I was starving. It was getting late too, but I was being stubborn and didn't want to go back and have Dean be right, he was always saying I was just a kid and didn't know what I was doing. But I smelt some food and I got real hungry and this homeless guy, he dragged me up and took me to the soup kitchen. They all wanted to know what the Hell I was doing there because I was pretty clean and had brought my advanced chemistry school books with me instead of food." 

I smiled. "I guess you would of looked out of place." 

Sam chuckled. "I really did. But they all listened and put together enough money to keep me out of the cold for the night, telling me to sleep on my decision and come back tomorrow."

"And when you went back that's when Dean found you?"

Sam nodded. "He was asking everyone in town, a woman who'd seen me at the soup kitchen told him she'd seen me and he barged in with this look on his face." Sam sighed, looking down. "I just knew I'd let him down and I couldn't do it again y'know?" 

I nodded. "Yeah. I understand that." 

"But that's what I mean, Cas. You keep helping people, they get forgotten about all the time. It's good that you're spending half your time looking after them, shows that you're a good guy." He patted my shoulder and smiled at me. 

I felt warm when I looked at his eyes. 

He meant it. 

"We having a chick flick here guys?" Dean walked in with some sandwiches. "Cas I made you some just in case, if you don't want them I'm sure me and Sammy could manage another." He set the plate down on top of the book I was reading. 

"I was just telling Cas about the time you dragged me outta the soup kitchen in Omaha." Sam took his plate. 

Dean huffed. "Was gonna beat you up so bad that day, Sammy. Damn near gave me a heart attack at eighteen." He chuckled and sat down. 

I tried my sandwich but the taste of molecules filled my mouth. I passed my plate back to Dean who put the bitten sandwich on his plate and the untouched one on Sam's. 

Sam laughed. "I'm pretty sure you even scared the toughest guys in there even though you were half their size." 

"You remember Dad when he was mad, I needed you back before he came and dragged you back himself. I saved your ass." Dean grinned. 

I listened to them talking and laughing over the story for a while before going back to translating, they seemed fine with me helping at the soup kitchen and neither of them asked why I was doing it. Today was definitely a good day. 

Just as I was leaving to go to the soup kitchen Dean stopped me. 

"Let me drive you?" He asked. "Your cars still at the diner so it'll take you an hour to walk there and I kinda made you something." He bit his lip. 

"Made me something?" I asked, tilting my head. 

"It's in the car. I uh-just come with me." He led me to the garage. 

I sat inside and turned to the backseat which was stacked with trays of sandwiches. 

Dean's cheeks were pink when he slid into the car. 

"I just thought cos you weren't there yesterday and I've dragged you out for cases a few times I kinda owed them all this. Also I've not been the greatest to homeless people in the past I guess." 

"You didn't need to do this." I furrowed my eyebrows, the hole in my chest tugged at itself. 

"I wanted to. C'mon, it starts at six right?" 

I nodded and sat down properly, letting him put music on and drive us. 

"Dean, I usually pick up Jerry on the way. You don't mind do you?" 

"Course not, where's he live?"

"The motel with the green sign near the park." 

"Gotcha." Dean nodded, I could see him figuring out the way in his head. 

_Dean and I will be picking you up in the next ten minutes_

I text Jerry. 

**Jerry: Did you tell him everything then?**

_No, but he's not angry about me keeping secrets. We're fine._

**Jerry: Good, I told you if he was half decent he'd be happy with what you're doing**

I rolled my eyes at the I told you so text and turned the music down when we pulled up outside his motel room. 

"Does Jerry not appreciate the finer things in life?" Dean huffed. 

"I don't think the entire motel does." I smirked, pushing his hand away when he tried to turn the music back up. 

"You're lucky I like you y'know." Dean muttered and kept the music down whilst we waited for Jerry to come outside. 

"Hey Cas, whoa what's all this?" Jerry opened the door and saw the multiple trays. 

"Dean got bored earlier and made food whilst Sam and I hung out." I explained. 

"Wow, nice seeing you again Dean." Jerry smiled. 

"You too man. Thanks for last night." He nodded. 

Jerry nodded back and moved the trays so he could sit down. "Are you gonna stay and help out?" Jerry asked. 

"It's probably best that I don't." Dean had his deep in thought face on. "It's Cas' thing. I gotta clean the kitchen anyway." He smirked. 

Jerry nodded and smiled at me. 

When we arrived Cindy greeted us both with a big smile. "Didn't think you'd be here today, Cas. How are you feeling?"

"Better, my apologies for yesterday." 

"It's okay, everyone reacts different to sad news. What's all this?" She nodded to Dean piling the trays of sandwiches into Jerry's waiting arms. 

"Dean wanted to help out." 

"He's more than welcome, any friend of yours is a friend of ours." Cindy grinned. 

I shook my head. "He needs to go home, he's just dropping us off." 

"Maybe next time." Cindy gave Dean a smile and a wave which he returned, resulting in him almost dropping a tray. 

I held my laugh. 

"I mean you could help." He huffed at me. 

I rolled my eyes and went over to get the rest of the trays. 

Dean shut the door to the impala and Jerry went inside after smiling at Dean again. "You sure you're doing okay today, buddy?" 

"Yeah, I promise." I nodded. 

Dean studied my face for a minute before squeezing my shoulder. "I'll have a beer for you when you get home. Have fun." 

"Thank you, Dean." I smiled before going inside and setting the sandwiches down along the tables like Jerry had. 

Everyone loved the sandwiches that Dean had made, I didn't know that he'd made different flavors but there was something that everyone liked. Not that my friends who slept outside were very fussy when it came to flavors of sandwiches but there was enough left by the end of the day that everyone had at least one sandwich to take away with them. 

Cindy made a speech about Francesca at the end and told everyone that if they ever needed to talk that anyone would listen to them for however long it took. I looked around the room trying to figure out if any of them were on the verge of giving up like Francesca did but they all seemed to be okay for now. I'd keep an eye on it, I didn't want anyone to feel like that. 

And it looked like they wouldn't. 

I felt the hole in my chest tug and twist until it felt a little bit smaller. 

It gave a little ache but it couldn't get the smile off my face. 

As promised Dean had a beer waiting when I got back to the bunker, not that it did much but the gesture was nice and we drank it together. 

Today might of just been my first really good day. 

* * *

Over the next four weeks I only had one of the worse days again but I had three of the really good days and Sam said that I should count that as a win and I was starting to agree with him. The wounds I'd inflicted on myself were healing and I felt better now that both Sam and Dean knew where I was going during the day. 

Dean sometimes made sandwiches again and was always asking how my days at the soup kitchen were and what everyone was doing. 

It felt almost silly that I thought him and Sam wouldn't approve of what I was doing. 

Jerry was doing well at his job at the animal shelter too, sometimes he'd be on the dog walking duty and he'd call me to come and help him and I'd bring Sam with me. 

Sam said that he'd never in his life been happier to know me whilst he was underneath a massive German shepherd that was clearly intent on licking every inch of exposed skin that Sam had. 

I'd laughed and taken a picture on my phone of Sam laughing underneath the dog. 

My favourite dog that we would walk sometimes was a rottweiler crossed with a collie, he was a big dog with bright brown eyes and there was only ever happiness in them. He was always happy to see me too, he would start howling and pulling Jerry forwards towards me until Jerry would roll his eyes and let go so he'd jump at me, getting overly excited and nipping at my arms as he jumped. He didn't have a name at the shelter which I thought wasn't okay, so I named him instead and Sam taught me how to train him whenever we walked together so he would get a chance of finding a family if he was well trained. 

I called him Balthazar after my brother. Balthazar had always been happy to see me too, granted he wouldn't jump up and down but he was always happy. I hated how we'd ended but I hoped I could make it up to him by making this dog as happy as I could. It turned out to be confusing calling him Balthazar and caused my chest to ache a lot so I called him a shortened version instead. 

Zar. 

He was getting better every time that I saw him. 

Sam had taken a shining to Zoey the German Shepherd and every time we went back to the bunker he said that we needed to come up with a plan to get Dean to let us have dogs in the bunker, I laughed because I knew that Dean would never let that happen. He didn't like big dogs. They reminded him of Hell Hounds as much as he tried to hide it. 

_I'd never been scared of animals in my entire existence but now I knew that they could actually damage my body I felt myself shying away from them as they passed by me._

_The birds didn't bother me, it was just when they would fly so gracefully around me I felt my chest ache and my back would feel heavy with the loss of my wings._

_It was the dogs that scared me the most. At the park there were plenty of dog walkers and a lot of them would come very early in the morning and I woke up on several occasions to a dog sniffing at my face and licking my chin. It was very unsettling but I never moved because I could catch a sight of their teeth and now they could hurt me._

_Once a dog had found me early in the morning, I'd just gotten back from looking through the dumpsters for food and I'd found half of a sandwich, I wanted to eat it right away but I was too drained, I wrapped it up in my zip up jacket to keep it dry and away from insects and went to sleep._

_I woke up not an hour later to a dog eating my half of a sandwich._

_It was then that I realised that it wasn't just humans that were doing their best to survive but it was the animals too, everything was simply trying so hard to survive in this world that my Father had created, even the birds I realised as I observed a lady feeding breadcrumbs to the birds on a bench._

_I felt like a fool for not realising sooner._

_I started to share the food I found with the animals in the park._

_Often the birds would look forward to me coming to the park when I finished work, I'd give them the hot dog bun that I'd take from the Gas'n'Sip and I'd have the sausage._

_Sometimes I wouldn't have any food for them and I felt terrible, they relied on me and I let them down. When that would happen I wouldn't have the sausage the next day, I didn't know if birds should be eating it but I knew that I didn't deserve to so I'd break up the sausage for them as well as the bread and try harder the next day._

_It felt good to help again, even if it was just the birds._

_But how magnificent they were when they flew._

_The magpies were my favourite._

_I'd learned a rhyme about them whilst I was sat on a bench, a father and son were sat on a bench near me and I could hear them saying the rhyme and saluting to the magpies. If these birds had a rhyme that told everyone who heard it of their luck then they must be magnificent birds and sometimes when they were flying and the sun hit them in the right way I could see green in their feathers and that I thought was beautiful._

_'One for sorrow,_

_Two for joy,_

_Three for a girl,_

_Four for a boy_

_Five for silver,_

_Six for gold,_

_Seven for a secret never to be told,_

_Eight for a wish,_

_Nine for a kiss,_

_Ten for a surprise you should be careful not to miss,_

_Eleven for health,_

_Twelve for wealth,_

_Thirteen beware it's the devil himself'_

_Every time I saw a group of magpies I'd make sure to feed them well so they'd bring their friends, I'd only ever seen seven at a time before. I wished for ten magpies to be in the park at once._

_But they usually only came as one, sometimes as two._

_But there was a day that I found ten dollars in the dumpster and that morning I had seen six magpies together so I knew that it was probably true the rhyme that humans told one another. I added it to questions to ask Dean when-_

_If he calls. I'd never heard him mention magpies so maybe he didn't know about their influence?_

_I wanted to ask Nora too but I gathered that she was too busy to discuss birds with me._

_I didn't know if she liked birds. I'd only known her for a week._

_I knew Dean liked watching birds sometimes._

_Maybe he did know of the magpies._

_I hoped for Sam to see eleven magpies in a group and I wished for Dean to see a pair of magpies._

_I was sure they would see them, but if they didn't know the rhyme would it work?_

_American_ _culture was so confusing at times._

_But I was starting to understand it more that I was working with Nora and speaking to customers every day. I was starting to understand a little more._

"Hey Cas, you good?" Sam asked me as we walked into the bunker. 

"Do you know about the magpies, Sam?" I asked. 

"That's what that look was on your face for?" He smiled. "I thought you were upset. Yeah, I know magpies, what about them?"

"How many have you seen at one time?" I asked as we made our way into the library where Dean was watching a TV show on his laptop, beer in his hand. 

"I think I saw thirteen as a kid once and started crying because I thought it was real." He shook his head. 

"It's not real?" I asked, tilting my head as we sat down. 

"No, Cas. It's a kids rhyme. Magpies are just birds." 

"Oh." I huffed.

"Enjoy getting mauled by dogs?" Dean asked.

"Zar is sitting when I say sit now." I grinned, thinking of Zar distracted me from my apparent waste of faith in the magpies. "I took this photo." 

I pulled my phone out and showed Dean the photo of Zoey the German Shepherd licking Sam's face as Sam laughed. 

Dean's face softened. "I gotta admit, that is a cute dog." 

"I miss Zoey, if only-" Sam started.

"Don't even try it Sam." Dean rolled his eyes. "Besides, Cas' dog is fluffier so it's more cute. Sorry." He winked at me. 

Sam pouted and pulled a face at Dean. 

"Y'know you've been taking so many pictures you should print them out, just so you can keep them in case your phone gets broken again." Dean ignored Sam pulling faces and handed me my phone back after scrolling through my photos. 

"How would I do that?" I asked. 

"I'll take you into town tomorrow and show you." He promised. 

"That sounds nice." I agreed. 

* * *

Dean had taken me into town and we'd printed all of the photos from my phone out. 

Some of them were blurry and out of focus but I'd still taken them and they were full of the things I liked the most. 

When I looked at them the hole in my chest was so quiet it was almost like I had the blanket over it again. 

When we got back to the bunker Dean left again within ten minutes, Sam had found a case whilst we'd been out but it was Wednesday and it was a small case, they'd be fine without me. 

I wandered around the empty bunker, the hole in my chest had closed up a little more with each really good day that I'd had but my last really good day was last week. Since then I'd had two good days, the rest were okay. 

I knew that a bad day was coming. 

I could feel the familiar ache. 

I shook my head. 

As long as it didn't turn into a really bad day then I would be okay. 

I went into Dean's room and borrowed the marker he said he had on the shelf behind his bed. 

He suggested that I wrote on the back of the photos what they were and the date that I'd took them like he did with his photos. 

I felt my chest rip and tear more as I spent more time in Dean's room, it was different to my room. 

Dean had weapons displayed on his wall, his desk was full of notes that he'd made and a photo of him and his mother. 

On the shelf behind his bed was an old fashioned radio and more photographs, mostly of him and Sam, there was an old family photograph too, then one with Bobby in it too. 

My chest ached, his room was so clearly his. 

When you walked inside you knew it was his room. 

It just screamed his name. 

I swallowed and made my way back to my room but my feet decided that I was going to Sam's room instead, I knew it was probably rude to go into someones room without their permission but Sam wasn't a very private person, I'd already been in his room a few times. 

Sam's room wasn't as decorated as Dean's room was. 

There wasn't anything on the walls but the shelf behind his bed was full of things, many books and things he must of picked up through his life as well as a few boxes. I didn't open them, I knew that would actually be over stepping. 

But Sam's room was the same as Dean's, it was clearly his. 

I walked back to my room. The only thing that separated number 15 from number 14 was a missing layer of dust in my room and there was a book on the shelf behind my bed. 

But other than that it looked the same, the bag I used for hunts was kept underneath my bed, out of sight. 

I grit my teeth. 

I didn't have any boxes that I could fill up the shelf with and I didn't have any weapons that were actually mine apart from my angel blade that I could put on the wall. But I always brought my angel blade with me so there wouldn't be any point to mount it to the wall. 

I let out a yelp of surprise when my phone ringing disturbed the silence. 

My hand was bleeding.

Oh no. 

"Hello?" I answered, sitting on my bed, my hand underneath me as if Dean could see me.

"Hey man, just got to the motel. It looks like the ghost is the first victims ex husband and the second victims side piece. Died three months ago in a freak car accident. Should be home by tomorrow night." 

"Okay, that sounds good." I nodded to myself. "Is he buried or cremated?" 

"Not sure yet, gonna head to the cemetery and check around for his grave just in case he goes after anyone tonight. My money's on him being buried because God hates me and wants me to dig up a grave at my age." He chuckled down the phone. 

"You're not old, Dean." 

Dean sighed. "Yeah, nothing compared to your ancient ass. You okay, buddy? You sound a bit off?"

"I'm fine." I lied, the hole in my chest thrashed and cracked. "I'm trying to decide what to read." 

"Why not kick back and watch some TV instead? Try and relax a bit."

"I'll try." I nodded. 

"Atta boy, call me if you need anything. See you tomorrow." He hung up. 

I placed my phone on the side table and brought my hand up to examine. 

It wasn't that bad. 

But it was bad enough that Sam and Dean would notice when they got back tomorrow. 

I washed the blood away in the sink and wrapped both of my hands in bandages so I would do less damage if I scratched myself again. 

Sitting back on my bed I felt my chest constricting against me, I grit my teeth and stared ahead for what felt like hours. 

I couldn't take it. 

I threw my suit off, it all landing in a pile on the floor leaving me in just my boxers and my socks. I stared at myself in the mirror across the room, it reminded me of that day with the too small bathroom that I realised my wings and halo were gone. 

I stared at my legs, they were undamaged and my thighs had muscle again, my calves too. My torso was more filled out now, my hip bones still stuck out but I tried to remind myself that they had always done that, it was one of Jimmy's features. My ribs weren't visible under my skin unless I stretched as high as I could. My collar bones were only visible if I contorted my neck in strange ways. I had the muscle back on my arms and the tan on my skin was all even again. I skipped my hands and lower arms. I moved onto my face, walking closer to the mirror to fully check. My eyes were no longer dim, but they weren't the same as always either. There was something different about them. My cheeks were more full, they didn't sink into my face anymore and my jaw wasn't full of weirdly growing stubble or random nicks that I'd caused whilst attempting the shave. The stubble was all even and unblemished. 

I should of been happy with my appearance now. 

It was so different than what it was but I could still feel the old reflection lurking, it was lurking every time that my chest ached and clawed.

I caught myself scratching at my arm and groaned in frustration as is started to bleed. 

Sam would lie to me and say that I was still getting better but Dean would look at me with sadness like last time. 

The last time I had one of the worse days Dean was staring at me like I'd told him the worst news he could hear, his eyes were filled with sadness but his face was angry and focused. But I saw his eyes, they didn't lie. 

I couldn't lie to him about this. 

But I really didn't want to see his face like that again. 

They would be back at the bunker by tomorrow night, most likely by midnight. But tomorrow was Thursday and I wouldn't be back at the bunker until Friday night. Which meant that to hide the injuries from Sam and Dean I would need to either have a really good day on Friday or a good day on Thursday and Friday. I could just tell them that I had a bad day, they didn't need to know it was a worse day. 

My brain flashed me the image of Dean's sad eyes the last time again and my chest screeched at me. 

I yelled out in anger, no one was here to hear me. 

I could be as loud as I wanted to be. 

Not noticing that I'd 'spaced out' at some point and looking down and noticing more blood was terrifying. 

I needed to control myself. 

I bit my lip hard until I felt the skin break and blood ran down my chin. 

"Stop!" I screamed at myself. 

My chest ached in retaliation. 

I didn't know what to do.

I couldn't bring Sam or Dean back here and I couldn't leave. 

My phone rang again, I debated not answering it. 

But I knew that would worry Dean more. 

"Hello?" I answered.

"Hey dude." It was Jerry's voice. "Is that you breathing? You okay?"

"I'm fine." I lied through my teeth. 

"Where are your friends, Cas?"

"Working out of town." I answered, I didn't mean to but I yelled when I caught my hand clawing at my chest. 

I didn't know how I was able to bleed to quickly, my nails were shorter than the average length. They shouldn't be able to do me this much damage. 

"Right, can they not come back?"

"No." 

"Can you get to me?" 

"No." 

"Where do you live Cas?" 

"I can't tell you." I grit my teeth. 

Jerry sighed. "Cas, what's going on?" 

"You called me. What did you want?" 

"I was just going to ask if Dean was making sandwiches for tomorrow. But now I wanna know what's going on. Please?" 

"I'm having a worse day." I rushed out, sitting on my hand again. 

"Okay, what usually helps on these days?" 

"I-I don't know. They're really really bad." 

"Does Dean know what to do?" 

"I don't know, Jerry." 

I tried to search my mind on what happened last time I had a worse day but all I remembered was Sam trying to hold me down whilst Dean looked at me with the sad eyes. I 'spaced back in' and I was covered in claw marks and bruises. Sam had a busted lip too, he said he'd already had it but I was sure he didn't. 

"You in danger?" 

"N-no." I shook my head looking around my room. My angel blade was over by my trench coat. 

My mind flashed to how I'd been tortured and how calm I was when they hurt me. 

"I don't believe you. Cas, listen to me. Go to a safe room and stay there, I'm gonna figure out what to do." 

He hung up. 

I screamed out to match the hole in my chest, it was aching and tearing apart so loud. 

It was hurting so much I didn't know what to do. 

Would the angel blade on my skin help? 

Maybe I'd feel myself doing that. 

I didn't feel it when I scratched at myself. 

My phone rang again making me jump. 

"Hello?" I bit my cheek, tasting the blood. 

"Get to the entrance and wait there for Jerry you hear me?" Dean's voice filled my ears. 

"I didn't- I didn't tell him." Panic filled my entire body. Dean thought I told Jerry where I lived. He would be so angry. 

I felt a sob rip through my chest. 

"Cas. Cas! Listen to me, me and Sammy have got a bit more digging to do, we should be done in an hour then we'll be back. You've got a few hours. I've told Jerry to get himself to the bunker. You wait at the entrance until he comes. You understand?" 

"Y-yes." 

"Okay, I'm not mad. I promise." 

"I'm sorry." I gasped out. 

"I know you are Cas. It's okay." He soothed. "Sammy hurry up, we really gotta go." He mumbled. "Jerry's gonna be there real soon, he's gonna make sure you're good until we get there." 

"But-" I started, Jerry shouldn't know where we live. 

"Cas, you're more important to me than some shitty secret bunker okay. Just get up, go to the entrance, knock on the door so I know you're there." 

I felt another sob rip through me. 

"Now, Cas." 

I stood up and made my way through the bunker trying not to stop anywhere. 

Dean was too busy to deal with me any longer. 

"You there?" Dean asked. 

"Y-yeah." 

"Knock on the door." 

I knocked and saw my bandaged hand was covered in blood. 

"Oh no." I whispered. 

"Good Cas, Jerry's gonna be five minutes, you can hang on with me for five minutes right or do you want Sammy?" 

I didn't know. 

My chest was hurting so much I thought it was going to rip everywhere, all through my body until I was nothing but pieces of a broken up puzzle. 

"Cas!" I heard Sam shout down the phone. 

"Sam?" I whispered. 

"Yeah, buddy. It's me, what you thinking about?" 

"I-I think it hurts." I was hyperventilating now, I couldn't catch a breath without it ripping my chest, I tried to make my breaths short but that only made my panicking get worse. 

I yelled at myself when I realised I was hitting my arm against the railing. 

"Cas, listen to me okay. I want you to tell me something." 

"T-t-tell you w-what, Sa-m-m-m?" 

"Tell me about why you're so sad, where were you when you got sad?" He asked. 

"D-dean's room." I clenched my fist. 

"Okay what was it in his room that made you sad?" 

"It-It's got stuff Sam." My chest wailed again and I almost threw my phone off the railing in shock. 

"What do you mean? He's got stuff in there?" 

"I don't. I-I don't have anything. N-never had anything." I threw my hand against the railing again, it made me feel better now that I knew I did it. It hurt and I controlled it. 

"Okay, okay. Cas, try and slow your breathing down you're gonna make yourself pass out. Angel or not you're gonna pass out if you carry on. When we get home we're gonna help you out okay? Then when you're having an okay day again we'll go out and get some stuff for your room. What kinda stuff do you think you want?" 

I didn't know that either. 

I was this out of control and hurting myself over something that I didn't even know. 

"I-I don't know Sam." 

"That's okay, we can think of some stuff-" The phone shuffled. 

"Cas, it's me." Dean sounded frantic. "Jerry's almost there, you hanging on for me?" 

"Y-yeah." I stopped my arm mid air so I wouldn't hit it against the railing again, Dean would be angry if he knew I was doing that. 

"Good, Cas. Good. I know what we can do to start off, we already got the photos today didn't we? We can sort through them, make it a little project. Would you like that?"

"I t-think so-o." 

"Yeah, you will." Dean sighed. "How long does it take to freaking burn c'mon." 

"Okay, Jerry's there, open the door and let him in, Cas." 

"O-okay." I turned and twisted the door so it opened Jerry was stood looking confused at his phone. 

"Let him in, shut the door and give him your phone okay. I'll talk to you soon." 

"You will?" 

"Yeah I'll call." 

My chest ripped and I fell to the floor at the force of it. 

_I'll call you_

_I'll call_

_I said I'll call you so I'll call you alright?_

_Dean's words swam around in my head._

_It had been months now._

_Dean used to call me once a week just to check what I was doing when I was an angel._

_He used to need me some of those times, sometimes he'd just want to talk._

_He prayed to me every night in purgatory._

_I wondered if he still longed for me like he used to._

_Probably not._

_Dean wasn't going to call me._

I felt hands on me and heard the door shutting. 

Jerry's face came into view. 

"Quite a place you got here man." He whistled. "Let's get you up, give me your phone?" 

Jerry held his hand out and I took it so he could pull me to my feet. 

I grit my teeth as I stared at him. 

Why was he even here? 

I could look after myself. 

I was the one who looked after Jerry. 

This was like Sam and Dean all over again. 

"Yeah he's kinda bleeding from everywhere. He looks kinda spaced out man, I don't know if he can hear me but he's gonna hurt himself again for sure. I don't think I could stop him..........two hours? I can try....he's not exactly skin and bone dude....yeah of course......your rooms have numbers?....yeah 15 got it....I'll call."Jerry handed me my phone back and put a hand on my shoulder and pushed me down the stairs, his grip tighter than I expected. 

"We're gonna go to your room okay? You hearing me?" 

I swallowed and walked to my room. 

I didn't want Jerry to see how bare it was. I couldn't believe how I'd never noticed how I had no belongings apart from a couple of Dean's t-shirts, my jeans, my purple striped jumper, my suit and my coat, my angel blade too. But that was it. 

Nothing was really mine. The only thing out of those I'd gotten myself was my purple striped jumper. 

That was mine. 

My chest ripped again as Jerry counted the numbers of the doors under his breath. 

"11....12...13....14....15. Here we go, your room yeah Cas?" He opened the door and walked inside. 

I waited for the look on his face. 

But it was carefully blank. 

"Okay, you got some pjs around here?" 

I shook my head and sat on my bed, hugging my chest to keep it from falling apart. 

"You're not cold in just your boxers?"

I shook my head. 

"Okay. Okay, let me think. What did you hurt yourself on?" 

I stared down at my body, moving my arms away from my chest, my hands were bandaged but covered in blood, my arms were full of claw marks and dried up blood, one arm was turning purple, my legs were red and turning steadily purple on my thighs. 

"What happened?" I looked up at Jerry. 

He sighed. 

"I don't know man, but I think it's time you started telling people." He picked up my angel blade from on top of my coat and put it outside of the room before shutting my door. 

"I want Dean." I sighed. 

"I know, man." He lowered himself so he was sat beside me on the bed. "He's coming. He said he knows what to do." 

"I can't tell him, Jerry." My voice cracked, I re wrapped my arms around my chest. 

"Why not?" 

"He's gonna think it was all his f-fault and then he's gonna get a hole too and-and I don't want him to-" I groaned as the hole ached low. 

"A hole? What do you mean?" He asked. 

I shook my head. 

"Okay, so you don't want him to blame himself?" He asked. 

I nodded. "He always blames him-himself. For everything-g." I felt myself hitting my thigh. 

Jerry grabbed my pillow and put it above my thighs. 

"But Cas, you can't decide that he can't know what happened because you think it'll hurt him. He needs to know what happened so he can fix it. He knows it's his fault whatever it is." 

"It's not!" I heard myself yell. 

It wasn't Dean's fault. 

Dean always did his best and he wasn't given a choice. 

I wouldn't let him feel terrible for something he couldn't help. 

"Cas! Stop it!" Jerry shouted, his hands were around my wrists and he had me pinned to the bed. 

I searched his face. 

He wasn't angry. 

He wasn't trying to hurt me. 

I let him keep his grip. 

"Damn, you're stronger than you look." Jerry huffed and let go of me, sliding off me until he was sat beside me like I thought we already were. "Dean and Sam are ten minutes away." 

"Dean called?" I tried to swallow my excitement. 

"Yeah, you don't remember talking to him?"

I nodded my head. 

I lied. 

When did I speak to him? 

The next thing I knew Dean and Sam burst through the door, both of them full of dirt and stinking up my room. 

But they were here. 

Dean had that look on his face. 

The angry, sad, guilty look he had when he sent me to Idaho. 

_no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no_

"Hey Cas, hey! Look at me dammit." Dean growled, pushing my arms away. "You're good, me and Sam are here. Jerry's here too. All your friends. All here. With you. Yeah?" 

I looked around the room. 

He was right. 

Sam was trying to wash all the dirt from his hands and Jerry was looking at me like I was a wounded animal. 

And Dean looked like he was a wounded animal. 

"What's the matter?" I croaked out, my voice hurting. 

He laughed. "You're asking me what's wrong? Typical Cas. Worry about yourself for a change you lunatic." Dean sighed. 

"I thought you wouldn't call." I sighed and reached for his hand. 

Dean squeezed my hand hard. 

"Let's get you fixed up huh? No more worse days." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heavy stuff in here man damn  
> i think we're finally getting to the point of cas breaking now and thankfully everyone is on board to help him out.   
> we've got some hurt and comfort coming up soon  
> most likely in a few hours  
> stay safe guys  
> lotta love


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took longer than normal.   
> I've been a little run down these past couple days and my writing started suffering and making no sense.   
> I want to do this fic justice and the writing just wasn't up to the standard I wanted it to be.   
> I hope you enjoy this chapter.   
> We get a little more of Cas' story and some more bonding with Cas and Sam which I know from all of your lovely comments that you all enjoyed last time.   
> Trigger warning for mentions of the self harm in previous chapters and drugs.   
> Let me know if you enjoy!   
> Lotta love

**Castiel's POV**

I knew I was dreaming. 

I knew I was asleep, I could feel the bed underneath my body, I could even tell that I was lay on my stomach with my head to the side. 

But I couldn't stop the memory that came crashing in front of my eyes. 

_"Don't ever change." Dean had his hand on my shoulder and was looking at me with fear, I hadn't seen fear like that in his eyes since I'd rescued him from Hell and I remember being confused by it._

_He called Sam and arranged to meet with him and discuss what to do next._

_"Cas. I need you to promise me something." Dean sighed, his hand running through his hair._

_"What is it?" I asked, still trying to figure out what exactly Zachariah could of done to shake him so much._

_"No matter what happens, if we win, if we lose whatever. Whatever happens, promise me that you won't turn to drugs and all of that shit."_

_"That doesn't sound like something I would do." I tilted my head at him, confused. "I don't think you need to worry about that, Dean."_

_"Dammit Cas, please. Just promise."_

_"I promise." I humoured him._

I yelled out as I woke up.

Why was I sleeping?

Guilt and shame was pouring out of the hole in my chest. 

"Hey, shhh shhh." Sam was rubbing my back, sat on the edge of my bed. 

"I'm sorry." I gasped out.

I was so sick of being a burden, Sam should be on a case helping people, killing monsters right now. 

So should Dean. 

But instead Sam was sat on my bed making sure I didn't try and hurt myself again, it wasn't right. 

He had other people to help, I just didn't deserve it. 

I'd failed too many times, broken too many promises, lied too much, stolen. 

I wasn't enough. 

"It's alright, Cas. We'll get through this. We always do." He carried on rubbing my back. 

"N-no. I broke my pro-promise." I felt myself stiffen as I admitted it. 

Why was I admitting it?

I shouldn't say anything more. 

Sam was too good at getting me to admit things. 

"What promise was that?" He asked quietly, never stopping rubbing my back. 

I was glad I was facing away from him. 

_"You never tried this before?" The man asked me._

_I shook my head. "Will it work?"_

_"Course it will. Just take these three here and you'll be asleep like a baby, take four and you'll feel like you're on top of the world, five and you won't feel anything at all anymore. That's a promise." He grinned and shook the bottle at me._

_I felt guilt at the bottom of my stomach._

_These were the drugs that Dean had made me promise to never take._

_I'd promised._

**_He promised he would call._ **

_I took the bottle. "Where's the label?"_

_The guy shrugged. "I got a guy I buy 'em off. He takes the label. Look, you gotta trust me. If you're not wanting to feel anything then surely it's worth the risk."_

_"I guess." I swallowed._

_"So? We gotta hurry this up, I don't want the cops to show up."_

_"How much money do you need?"_

_"Call it a hundred."_

_My heart sank._

_I only had eighty three dollars left of my wage at the Gas'n'Sip._

_I wouldn't be paid for another two weeks._

_But the wage I was expecting wouldn't allow me to afford a room anywhere anyway, even with the eighty three dollars._

_"I have eighty three dollars. Will you take that? I could give you my uh- my coat? It will need washing but-" I knew I sounded desperate but at this point I didn't care._

_I wanted the hole in my chest to go away._

_My wrist hurt from Ephriam._

_I couldn't afford the pain medication that the hospital wanted to give me, maybe I wouldn't feel the pain in my wrist as well as my chest._

_The man grumbled._

_"How about we call it fifty and you blow me?" He had a sly smile, I'd never seen anyone smile like that before._

_For some reason my legs wanted me to run away, my heartbeat sped up._

_I recognised this as the fight or flight response that humans had._

_I found it ironic that right now my response was flight, I had no wings so how could I?_

_I forced my legs to stay still, I needed this._

_My body was probably malfunctioning from a lack of food for the past few days. The man didn't seem like he would hurt me._

_"Blow you?"_

_I'd heard Dean say that before._

_I didn't know exactly what it meant but I knew it was something to do with sex._

_"Are you serious?" The guy rolled his eyes. "Fine, since there's clearly something wrong up here." He poked a finger on my head."I'll take the money and you give me a kiss, you know what that is right?"_

_I wasn't sure how I felt about doing that._

_It felt wrong._

_But not as wrong as whatever blowing him would be._

_"Time's wasting here, pretty boy."_

_The hole in my chest tore around the edges._

_"O-okay."_

_I'd kissed Meg and I'd kissed April before, how different could this be?_

_He was just a person._

_He broke into a grin again._

_"Right answer. You ever see me again with a pretty lady on my arm, you don't say nothin'. Got that?"_

_"Got it." I nodded and handed him the last money I had._

_"If you come back for more you better learn what blowing is too."_

_I nodded._

_"Pucker up." He thrust the bottle at me and then shoved his arm into my chest which made me stumble until I was against the wall, he pulled my hair so that my head cracked against the bricks._

_Maybe the fight or flight response had been appropriate._

_Was I in danger here?_

_Did I even care if I was?_

_"Ah." I tried to balance myself but his feet were in the way of me, I had no choice but to rest my hands on him otherwise I would sink down to the floor._

_He launched his face onto mine, his grip on my hair tight._

_His kiss wasn't like Meg or April._

_Kissing April had been soft, sweet. Kind of pleasant I think._

_Kissing April had been rough and quick. But even then it wasn't unpleasant._

_This was not pleasant._

_His hand in my hair was tight, he pulled and pushed my head. His other hand was roaming all over my body, shoving his hand up my green t-shirt that I'd had from the start and squeezing my skin, he found my hip and grabbed onto it hard as he shoved his tongue into my throat._

_"Kiss me back or I'll take them off you." He growled._

_I felt a tear escape my eye but I did as he asked, I tried to pretend to enjoy it but I know I wasn't convincing._

_Eventually he let go of my hair and took his mouth off mine._

_"See you around, pretty boy." He reached around and slapped my rear hard._

_I gasped, my teeth gritting._

_I wasn't like the babysitter and he wasn't the pizza man._

_I had an urge to smite him but I realised all too soon that I couldn't do that anymore._

_He shoved me into the wall again and ran off out of the alley way._

_I felt disgusting._

_But it wasn't much worse than normal._

_Five and I won't feel anything._

_I kept a grip on the bottle as I made my way into the park, I had four days off from the Gas'n'Sip and it was such a big distraction I knew I needed something to keep me from giving up until I was back at work._

_This might work._

_They worked too well._

_I found everything funny after taking the five pills._

_It was funny how easily Metatron had tricked me._

_It was funny how I really thought Dean would let me live with him and Sam at the bunker._

_It was funny how for months I thought he would call me._

_It was funny how I thought Nora wanted a date._

_It was funny that Ephriam had felt my pain from miles and miles away._

_It was funny that I was breaking a promise I'd made to Dean years ago._

_It was funny how I had managed to fall even further._

_It was funny that the man who gave me the pills had kissed me like that._

_It was funny that I had no money left._

_It was funny that it was starting to snow._

_It was funny that I could barely feel my body so I couldn't get into my sleeping bag._

_Then it wasn't funny anymore._

_It was nothing._

_There was just empty._

_Instead of the hole aching and wailing in pain it was just an empty hole carved into my chest._

_I'd expected the hole to close up but it was still there, it was just empty now._

_I didn't know if I cared or not._

_I didn't think I did._

_But just in case I took another of the pills._

"Dean will be mad." I stared ahead at the wall, if I closed my eyes I would see what Dean's face would look like if he found out. 

"Dean's not angry at you, I promise." Sam sighed.

"He doesn't know what I did." I bit my lip, would Sam understand why I did it? He used to drink demon blood, was that similar?

"You wanna tell me?" 

"I don't think so." I mumbled. 

Ruby had made him do that. 

The man who gave me the drugs gave me a choice and I said yes. 

Sam and I weren't the same. 

"Y'know me and you have done some pretty bad things over the years, Cas. But we always had our hearts in the right place, we always thought it was the right thing. Dean understands that, he won't be mad at you. I won't be mad at you." He carried on rubbing my back. 

"You can't tell him." It felt like my heart was going to leap out of the hole in my chest and right through. 

I didn't want to say anything. 

I was trying so hard to stop myself. 

But it was leaking, everything was leaking out and I couldn't stop it. 

Sam was quiet, just carried on rubbing my back in circles. 

"I-It was hurting-g really bad, Sam. A-and I-" I grit my teeth. "I-I took the pills from the man-n-n." 

Sam stopped rubbing for half a second but carried on like I hadn't said anything, smooth and perfect circles. 

"What pills were they?"

"I don't know." I gulped. 

He was going to tell Dean. 

I realised he never said that he wouldn't. 

He didn't say anything about not telling him. 

"When did you do that?" He asked. 

"November." 

Sam sighed but carried on rubbing my back, not faltering anymore. "How many times did you do it?"

"Until it was empty." I was frozen in place now, if I moved even slightly maybe Sam would realise what I'd actually done. 

"Right, but you're not doing it now?"

"N-no." 

"Alright, Cas." He sighed again. "Who was the guy?" 

"I don't know. He-He just said it would make me n-not feel anything anymore." 

"Did it work?" 

"Y-yes." 

"You're not gonna do it again right? I don't want you to do that again, Cas." Sam's voice cracked and it was shaky but his hands remained firm on my back. 

"N-no. I didn't like kissing him." I huffed into my pillow. 

Sam's hand faltered and stopped for a full two seconds before he started talking again.

"W-why did you do that, man?" He asked carefully.

"Not enough money." 

What was the point in hiding everything now? 

Sam knew the worst of what I did so he might as well know all of it. 

He was going to tell Dean and Dean would be so angry. 

"Did he hurt you?" Sam mumbled. 

"A little bit, but the pills he-" I stopped and hesitated, maybe it wasn't too late.

"They stopped you hurting." Sam sighed. "Y'know when I was drinking the uh- the demon blood it was you, Bobby and Dean who pulled me out of it. None of you were happy about me doing it. I can't say I'm happy that you did it but I'm sure you had a reason for it. I had a reason for-"

"You wanted to save the world Sam! I was being selfish." I shoved myself away from his hand and sat up, glaring at him. 

He was only trying to be nice. 

Like the good cop bad cop on the TV shows.

Dean would be the angry one. 

But I couldn't stop the scowl that was on my face. 

Sam sighed. "Dean saw you in November, were you doing the drugs then?"

I shook my head. "After." 

He nodded. "Why didn't you tell Dean that you weren't okay, man? If he knew he would of helped." 

I shook my head. "He was already so ashamed and I just wanted him to like me again and you too. It was so embarrassing." I glared at my arm that was covered in the scratches and bruises. 

"What was so embarrassing before the drugs?" 

"Everything." I sighed. 

Sam looked at me for a while, trying to figure out something from my face. 

I kept my face as controlled as I could until he eventually gave up. 

Sam couldn't read my face like Dean seemed to be able to and for that I was grateful. 

"Thanks for telling me, Cas. Y'know I know it's not the same thing but I kind of understand, you can talk to me about it more if you want?"

I shook my head. 

"That's okay." Sam soothed. "We'll get you through this, man. It's not gonna be like this forever." 

"You don't know that." I felt the tears slip down my cheeks after I pressed my teeth together so I wouldn't say anything else. 

I hated that I wanted those pills back.

Anything would be better than this. 

"I bet you're disappointed." I sighed after a few minutes of us both being silent. 

"Why?" Sam asked. 

"You always believed in angels and now you've got me." I grit my teeth as I said it, at least Dean had never really believed, never had any expectations. 

But with Sam I was consistently ruining his perception of my kind. 

"Don't say that, man." Sam sighed. "You're the best angel I've met." 

I shook my head. "I'm nothing, Sam." 

"Don't say that, Cas." Sam whispered. 

"You won't tell Dean right?" 

Sam looked away. 

I knew that I'd messed up again then.

"Please." I heard myself whimper from the back of my throat.

"Cas." Sam sighed. "I gotta let him know what's happening, I'll tell him and lock him in a room until he calms down if he gets as mad as you think he will. But I can't keep this a secret from him." 

"But-"

"Secrets are what ruins us every time, man. You know that." 

I nodded. 

Sam was right about that. 

He tried to hug me but I kept my arms wrapped around my chest. 

"Jerry's gone to work, he said he's gonna swing by after he's finished at the soup kitchen. I'm gonna tell Dean to come stay with you for a bit, I won't tell him yet. Maybe you could tell him yourself?"

"No." 

"I thought so." Sam had a small smile on his face. "I'll go and get him." He squeezed my shoulder and left my room, keeping the door open. 

Within two minutes Dean was in my room with a big smile on his face and a bundle of clothes. 

"You're still rocking the boxers and socks look?" He smiled. "Brought you some pjs." 

I put the pjs on like Dean wanted me to but then I got back into bed, he sat with me, shoulder to shoulder. Our legs touching. 

He tried to hold my hand a few times but I just moved away. 

I told him my hand was hurting. 

It was. 

But that wasn't the reason.

In a few hours this would be ruined. 

Sam was going to tell Dean that I had broken my promise and Dean would hate me. 

I tried to enjoy my limited time of Dean not hating me but I wasted it by thinking that this was the last time. 

It went by too quickly and I could barely hear whatever he was talking about over my chest wailing. 

"Jerry's on his way." Dean smiled at me, nudging me with his shoulder. "He's gonna stay with you for a bit, Sammy wants to talk.-Hey, what's wrong?" 

Dean turned his body, sitting with his legs crossed, his hand trying to find mine again. 

"Do you not wanna see Jerry? I could tell Sam that our talk can wait, I can stay here as long as you need." 

I shook my head. 

Sam would be angry with me if I stopped his plan. 

"Okay, okay." Dean bit his lip. "You're just crying again that's all. I don't think I'll ever get used to it." 

"I'm sorry." I tried to wipe the tears away but my hands were hurting too much. 

I didn't even realise that I was crying. 

"Don't gotta apologise." Dean whispered. "Just try and get better, that's all I want."

"I'm trying." 

"I know you are." Dean sighed and pulled me into a hug, my crying got worse. 

This would be the last time that Dean would hug me. 

This might even be the last time anyone touched me if he made me leave again. 

The months of not even having someone touch my shoulder in a kind or familiar gesture hurt more than I ever even thought it could. 

I let myself relish in the hug, I knew it was probably wrong to do since I knew that in a few hours Dean would hate me. 

But I still did it, I let my arms wrap around him as he held me, one of his hands around my waist and the other one stroking my hair. 

"It's okay, Cas. I got you." He murmured. 

The hole in my chest ached and wailed as he rocked me slowly. 

How had it come to this?

All I ever wanted was to save Dean. 

How had he ended up trying to save me?

I'd been confused when I first realised that he thought he didn't deserve to be saved. 

I think I understood him more now.

I wished he would just forget about me. 

_I was trying my hardest to harness any grace that may still be left inside of me and get a message to Dean._

_Please remember to call._

_Please._

_But the longer I stared at my phone the more it irritated me that his name hadn't shown up to say he was calling me._

_He didn't have a caller ID photo._

_I'd seen a few phones with that, the person who was calling would have a photo pop up._

_I guessed it was in case they forgot which person was which._

_Faces could be confusing sometimes._

_Just like the man I'd seen who I thought was Dean._

_I scrolled over Dean's contact multiple times._

_I wished he had set up a caller ID photo._

_But he hadn't._

_The only photo on this phone was the lock screen image and that was the impala._

_It reminded me of Sam and Dean a lot._

_But I could only remember the outside of the impala, the inside was simply a blur._

_I couldn't imagine what colour the seats were._

_I hated having a human memory._

_I couldn't quite remember the colour of Dean's eyes._

_I couldn't quite remember exactly how much taller Sam was than me._

_I couldn't quite remember Dean's favourite flavour of pie._

_I couldn't quite remember what Sam wanted to go to college for._

_I hated it._

_I used to remember all kinds of details of insignificant things._

_Now I could barely recall what had happened in my earliest years of existing._

_I could hardly remember any of the battles I'd fought in Heaven before meeting the Winchesters._

_I couldn't remember how to get to the bunker._

_But I was clinging on so hard to remembering Sam and Dean._

_I would think of them multiple times during the day, just forcing myself to not forget._

_But they clearly wouldn't be doing the same._

_Dean hadn't called. Dean had hung up on me._

_Sam hadn't called. Sam hadn't even said goodbye to me._

_It was very possible that they were forgetting me too._

_Or maybe already forgotten._

_I hoped I would find some whiskey in a dumpster tonight like I had last week._

_That would make me forget thinking these things._

"Hey Cas." Jerry's voice filled the room and Dean squeezed me again before letting go, he reached up and wiped the tears away from my face. 

"I'll be back after my talk with Sam." He promised.

He'd be breaking that promise I was almost certain. 

Unless he would want to come and drag me out of the bunker himself. 

I watched Dean as he left, committing it to my memory. 

I searched for his longing but it wasn't there. 

That confirmed it. 

I tried to smile at Jerry but I could tell it was a pathetic attempt. 

"How you feeling?" 

I shrugged. 

"Seemed like I interrupted a moment there." He mumbled before he sat down at the edge of my bed, I shuffled up to give him more room. 

"It's okay." 

"Y'know when you first started telling me about these guys I wasn't a fan." 

"You said they were toxic." I nodded, staring at the bandages up and down my arms, I could feel the wounds there but I didn't know how bad they were. 

Was my grace healing them? 

I couldn't feel it. 

He smiled and nodded. "I didn't like how they were making you feel, but now." He sighed. "I still don't agree with what they did but there's clearly something else that happened because the way Dean looks at you, I can't believe that he wanted to make you leave. I don't agree with him doing it, but I gotta say I'm sorry for being such a dick about him and Sam." 

I nodded. "I couldn't tell you everything." 

"Sam filled me in a bit last night, something to do with fighting monsters." He chuckled. "I thought he was half crazy when he said it." 

"Most people think we are when we have to tell them." 

"I know that they're doing their best to get you happy again, man. You've gotta let them." 

"I told Sam something. He's telling Dean now." I felt my breathing getting shaky. 

"You're scared." 

It wasn't a question. 

I nodded slowly. 

"I didn't tell them anything. Dean was trying to make me tell him but you told me all that and you trusted me. I won't tell them if you don't want me too." He scrunched his eyebrows. "But you need to tell them the full story, more than you've told me." 

"Why should I?" 

"Because clearly keeping it to yourself isn't working." Jerry sighed. "Look at you, Cas. You're fucking miserable. I know it's harsh but you've gotta hit rock bottom for it to get better. I've done that, I've got a place to call home, I have two jobs, I have friends. And I needed help to do all that. Your help. It's okay to need help sometimes. The only reason you were able to help was because I told you everything, no shame. You need to do the same." 

He was right, he had told me everything about himself that led to him hitting 'rock bottom'. I knew everything that had happened and how he felt about it all. His regrets, his proudest moments. 

But he knew hardly anything about me, but he did know more about my time as a human than Sam or Dean did. 

A crash coming from somewhere in the bunker made both of us jump. 

Then there was yelling. 

Dean yelling. 

I was selfish for wanting longer here. 

"It's okay. I'll stay here." Jerry patted my knee and followed my eyes that were staring hard at the door. 

The yelling and crashing continued. 

It felt like it went on for hours and hours. 

Each crash made the hole in my chest ache and wail. 

Each shout that was clearly from Dean made the hole in my chest rip and tear at itself. 

I didn't think it could get much bigger but it did. 

A door slammed closer by, it sounded like it was Dean's bedroom door. 

I was both relieved and distraught. 

He didn't want to speak to me. 

But then on the other hand; _He didn't want to speak to me._

I tensed when the door opened. 

Sam was there and he had a new bruise forming on his left cheek. 

"Jerry, I've set up a room for you if you wanna stay the night? Just next door." 

Jerry nodded and yawned. 

"I'll go to bed when I know he's good." Jerry nodded to me. 

I sighed, staring behind Sam. 

Where was Dean? 

Sam nodded. 

"Dean's just uh-he's in his room. I think he'll be in there for the rest of the night. I'll stay with Cas, he'll be good with me." 

Jerry looked at me and I nodded. 

Sam wouldn't kick me out I didn't think. 

Jerry squeezed my knee and left the room. 

Sam let out a big sigh as he sat down. 

I lifted my hand to heal the bruise but I couldn't feel my grace again. 

I scrunched my eyebrows as I put my hand to his forehead again but there was nothing. 

He caught my wrist. 

"It's okay." He put my hand down in my lap.

"It's not." I sighed. "You're hurt." 

"So are you. Try and heal yourself, it's just a bruise." He shrugged. 

"You wouldn't of got it if I hadn't-"

"Stop it." Sam looked away, at the door. "Dean's gonna be fine, he just needs some time to cool off."

"I told you he'd be angry with me." 

"He isn't." Sam's jaw set. "He's angry, but it's not at you." 

I sighed and moved so I was leaning against the headboard. "I can't feel my grace." I admitted. 

Sam shuffled so he was leaning against the headboard too, his shoulder touching mine. 

"How come?" 

I shrugged. "I can usually feel it going around in my body. Sometimes it hides behind-" I shook my head. I wouldn't admit to the hole in my chest. "But now I just can't feel it at all." 

"D'you think you're human again?" He asked quietly. 

"I really hope not." I gulped. 

"If you are, we'll figure it out. I'll get some books on angels and grace from the library. We'll get a solution." 

"Do you think that would work?"

"Worth a shot." 

"Sure." 

It wasn't worth a shot. 

If it failed then I would be human again and it would all be for nothing. 

I didn't feel like I was a human. 

But I hadn't really felt like an angel for a long time either. 

"W-what did he say?" I asked.

I could deal with whatever it was, I was sure that the hole in my chest couldn't get any bigger now. 

It would ache and hurt but it shouldn't grow.

Sam sighed. "He said I was lying." 

"That's why he punched you?" 

"Threw his phone at me actually." He huffed out a laugh and shook his head. "He didn't mean to, he was kinda throwing everything." 

I nodded. 

Dean tended to do that when he was angry. 

"He wanted to talk to you about it but-" Sam pursed his lips, thinking hard clearly. "I thought it would be best if he waited until tomorrow. I'll speak to him again before he speaks to you." 

"Maybe you're right." 

I would like one more night here. 

"Look, I know that you're thinking he's gonna make you leave again but that's not going to happen-"

"You don't know that for sure." I argued. 

"If he tries it then me and you will leave. He can stay here and be an ass by himself. But that's not gonna happen." 

"You'd do that?" 

It made no sense that Sam would leave his brother to stay with me. 

Family comes first and they were family. 

_**You left your entire family for the Winchesters, Castiel. You fell from Heaven multiple times, in every single way possible just to stay with these humans.** _

"Course I would. Dean would come to his senses eventually anyway. If I'd known that Dean had told you to go I would of come after you. But I didn't know, he just said that you were trying to lay low." He scowled. 

"You're angry." I observed. 

"Yeah, Cas. I'm still pretty mad about everything that happened when the angels fell. It was all so wrong." He sighed and leaned his head against the headboard. "If I just closed the gates like I was supposed to then Gadreel would of never killed Kevin. Dean wouldn't of made you leave-"

"You can't blame yourself for that. You would of died." I scrunched my eyebrows. 

How could Sam think he was worth so little? 

I saw a tear escaping from his eye as he smiled. 

"I should of done it. But I didn't. I gotta carry that now, the rest of my life. I'll do my best to fix it. We'll kill every demon we see, we'll never forget about Kevin, we'll help you get back to yourself. You understand?"

"I think so. But I would of been very angry if you had died completing the trials, Sam." 

He rolled his eyes. 

"You and Dean would of probably started making deals with any demon willing, right?"

"Of course." 

Sam wiped his tear away. "You're definitely one of us, man." 

I wanted the night to go by slowly, so I could savour it. 

I wanted to take in each detail of my room at the bunker, even if it had nothing inside it that was mine, it was still a room. 

It was warm and it had a bed, running water, a light, lamps, a place to put clothes. 

But instead of that I found myself falling asleep. 

Then I found myself waking up, my head leaning on Sam's shoulder as he snored beside me. 

What a waste of my last night here. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heavy stuff I know but at least Cas knows that Sam understands what he went through at least a little which I think Cas really needs right now.   
> I'm feeling a lot better today so hopefully I'll be able to get another chapter out today as this one is smaller than normal and the day is still young here in the UK.   
> Let me know if you enjoyed it and if you have any requests or ideas of what could happen next, I still have a few roads I could take and I want to make sure you'll like whichever one I take.   
> Lotta love and keep safe dudes.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean I know it just past midnight but I'm counting it as the same day that I uploaded the last chapter ahaha,  
> I'm really glad that you guys are enjoying this.  
> Thank you so much for your kind comments as always.  
> Also only one flashback this chapter but it's a pretty big one.  
> Trigger warning for mentions of drugs and self harm and feelings of depression as there has been in previous chapters.  
> Lotta love dudes,  
> enjoy :)

**Castiel's POV**

Sam only left me alone three times so far. 

The first time was after he'd woken up and needed the bathroom, I'd locked the door and sat in front of it until he came back. 

The next time was when Jerry woke up and came into my room to say goodbye and he'd be back later. 

"You look bugged out, what's up?" He asked. 

"It's my last day here." I mumbled low so Sam wouldn't hear from outside the door. 

Jerry sighed. "No it's not. You and Dean are gonna talk and figure it out." 

"We don't _do_ that." I sighed. "He's going to tell me to leave and that's that." 

"If he does then you drive your ass to my motel room. I'll be there for five thirty when I finish work, if you're not there then I'm coming here." 

"I might be on the way back to Idaho then." I scowled at my bandaged hands.

Jerry sighed again. "You won't be. I swear I'll steal that pretty car of theirs and come and drag you back here." 

"Dean would kill you if you did that." I warned. 

Jerry laughed. 

"I'm entirely serious." I raised my eyebrows. 

Jerry smiled again. "I'll see you later, Cas. I'm just a phone call away." He nodded and left the room. 

Sam came back inside then. 

"I'm gonna drive him to work, do you wanna come with me?" 

I shook my head. 

I didn't want to risk leaving the room and Dean being outside of his room too, I could end up seeing his face. 

He would be so angry and so disappointed, again. 

I was sick of letting people down. 

Especially him. 

"Right, call me if you need anything." Sam ran a hand through his hair. "Don't take your bandages off, just stay in here, I'll be as fast as I can." 

"I understand." I sighed. 

Sam left then. 

I locked the door and sat in front of it again, listening for Dean moving around. 

But he didn't. 

In a way that was worse. 

I couldn't even feel his longing, I didn't know if it was there or not because my grace wasn't swirling around my body. 

Just the festering hole in my chest. 

That was all I could feel.

I banged my head softly against the door, Sam didn't say I couldn't do that. 

I wasn't doing it hard but after a while it did start to give me a headache which I welcomed, it was a different kind of pain than my chest. 

I could focus more on my headache than my chest and that meant that I could make a plan. 

_I needed a plan._

_A plan on how to get Dean and Sam to trust me and think of me as their friend again._

_Maybe then Dean would call me._

_Seeing them both again hurt my chest in a way I hadn't expected, I almost fell over when I saw them it was that intense._

_Dean seemed irritated but Sam,_

_Sam looked almost like he was happy to see me, he was patting me on the back and calling me 'agent' and was smiling at whatever I said. It didn't even feel like he was teasing me or being unkind._

_I missed him._

_Dean just didn't seem happy at all, he was asking what the hell I was doing._

_I thought it was obvious, I was trying to help out on the case, I was trying to help my kind even if they hated me it was the least I could do._

_After I finished the pills that the man had given to me I truly felt like I was at the lowest point. I knew I needed to try and fix what I'd done. If I couldn't fix what I had done to Sam and Dean (Whatever it was, I still didn't understand fully) then I would try and fix Heaven and that started with the angels who were being killed. My brothers and sisters were being slaughtered and if I hadn't trusted Metatron then they would all still be in Heaven and alive._

_The wage that I was given was higher than I expected, I could of afforded a room for the month but that would be selfish when I could fix things. I could finally 'clean up my mess' like Dean had told me a few years ago. He was right, no one cared that I was broken so I needed to clean up my mess. I had enough money to buy an old golden car, the man who I bought it from seemed upset at selling it for under 500 dollars but apparently his wife was 'on his back' because she wanted to turn the garage into extra garden space for a wrap around porch. I had just enough money left over to buy an 'FBI monkey suit' from a thrift store and I had an 'emergency twenty dollars' that I kept inside my pocket as well as some more money for gas. I couldn't stop smiling. I was really going to help my brothers and sisters, I could make the drive and be back for work at the Gas'n'Sip in a few days. I felt clean and much better than I did a few days before._

_Seeing my brothers and sisters all so brutally killed made the hole in my chest tear at itself and wail at me but then I saw Sam and Dean and it started to ache instead. But I almost didn't mind._

_They were both here, Sam didn't hate me._

_Dean hadn't told me to leave._

_Maybe I had seen two magpies and not realised it._

_Whatever the reason for my turn of luck I was grateful._

_I would be as pleasant as possible, give neither of them any reasons to think bad of me. I wouldn't let myself stop smiling, I wouldn't mention any of my hardships. That sounded like a good enough plan to me._

_I wasn't sure about Dean though, he seemed uncomfortable at times and even annoyed at me. His eyes weren't angry though, at least I didn't think so. If anything he looked worried, I hoped it wasn't for me, if he was worried then that meant he could see right through me. I didn't want him to know what I did last week, that was the last thing I wanted._

_But Sam insisted that we all went to a bar to discuss the case and I decided to confirm that it was definitely okay._

_"It is so good to be together again. Y'know this is my first beer as a human. I hope it's okay me joining you."_

_I made sure I wasn't lying to them. Friends shouldn't lie to each other and if I wanted their friendship again I needed to not lie. I hadn't had a beer yet but I'd had whiskey and I'd even found a half full bottle of vodka after the pills had ran out._

_But I hadn't had a beer._

_"Why wouldn't it be okay?" Sam gave me a strange look._

_I was confused._

_"Y'know Cas. Are you sure you're ready to jump back into all this? I mean it seemed to me like you'd actually found some peace." Dean interrupted my thinking before it had even started._

_Maybe he didn't hear what Ephriam had said, my plan was working. My new suit and the smile I'd placed on my face was working._

_He thought I was okay, he would see that I was useful still._

_"You once told me that you don't choose what you do, it chooses you. I'm part of this, like it or not." I made sure to grin wide, ignoring how the hole in my chest howled. He still looked upset with me. I didn't know why. Isn't this what he wanted me to do? He was the one who had said I was above working at Gas'n'Sip._

**_He also said that you were adapting and should stay._ **

_"Alright then, well in that case then we have to figure out uh- who we are up against, what do they want and how do we stop them?" Sam smiled at me._

_"Well Bartholomew wants to reverse Metatron's spell, presumably to retake Heaven, his following is large enough. That's according to April." I looked at them both, hoping they'd look past that they had to save me that day and just thought of the information I'd provided._

_I could still be useful, I had to prove it._

_"The uh-reaper you banged?" Dean grinned at me, he didn't look upset with me now._

_I let the hope spread through me._

_"Yeah, and you stabbed." I tried to make light of the situation. Maybe he'd find it funny._

_Dean almost laughed. Almost. "Yeah, she was hot."_

_"So hot." I agreed, when compared to the man with the pills I would much rather kiss her instead of him. "And very nice, up unto the point she started torturing me."_

_"Yeah, well not every hook ups perfect." Dean patted me on the back and grinned._

_I tried not to lean into his touch but I could of sworn that the hole in my chest was silent whilst his hand was there, I wanted to test it and ask him to do it again but I knew enough about American culture now that it wouldn't be considered normal to ask for him to do that._

_The last thing I wanted to do was upset Dean again._

_Sam started speaking which pulled me out of my head. "Alright, I'm gonna get us another round."_

_"Nah." I shook my head, this would be the perfect opportunity to use the emergency twenty dollars, this would confirm that Sam and Dean were my friends again. "I'll get it."_

_I almost stumbled off the stool, maybe I should of eaten something before having this beer. It had been a couple of days but I needed the gas to get here. I still had some money left for gas. If there was money left over from the 'round' I would treat myself to something small. Sam may be suspicious if we were working together and he didn't see me eat._

_"I've never done this before." I worried out loud as I made my way to the bar._

_I flagged the bar man down as I did what I'd seen Dean and Sam do countless times. I was surprised that I had nine dollars left over after buying them too. Maybe I could get more than a small treat. Maybe. If I helped the angels enough. I might deserve it then._

_I made my way back to the table and set the beers down._

_It was different now._

_I didn't understand if I had done something._

_Had they noticed that the suit was too big on my body?_

_Was there something that gave away it was from a thrift store?_

_Had I not washed well enough?_

_Did Dean somehow know that I'd taken the pills?_

_Dean looked upset and Sam didn't look like himself at all, he looked like he was about to be sick._

_I felt the hole in my chest start to churn and ache._

_No no no no no no no no._

_Before I could ask if everything was okay Sam stood up and left, saying he needed to get something from the car, leaving the beer I'd just brought over._

_Dean and I sat in silence for a few minutes._

_Even I could tell it was awkward._

_Whenever something bad happened with a customer, Nora would always say to talk about the issue, not ignore it. Talk about it._

_It didn't make it any easier, the hole in my chest was crying out to be heard now that I was alone with Dean. I wanted to tell him everything, about how hard it was and how much it all hurt and how sorry I was for breaking my promise last week. I wanted to tell him how cold the park was and how hard the store room floor was. I wanted to tell him how I didn't realise how much hunger could affect a human and how drastically it could change a body._

_But I swallowed my desires of having Dean take me back to the bunker down._

_That wasn't part of the plan._

_"I-um um-noticed that you looked uncomfortable when um-Sam ever mentions my leaving. Doesn't he know that you told me to leave?" I asked, I tried to blink away whatever emotion my eyes were showing, Dean wouldn't notice. I wouldn't let him know how difficult it was to stay sat here and keep my hand on the bottle of beer and not clutch at my chest and yell out._

_That was rather selfish, I hadn't meant to ask that but it had come out._

_The hole in my chest was so distracting._

_I hoped that maybe Dean had just wanted me to go and maybe Sam didn't know so maybe it was only Dean that didn't like me. Maybe Sam still did._

_"Here's the deal." Dean sighed. "When Sam was doing the trials to seal up Hell, it messed him up okay? The third one nearly killed him, if I'd of let him finish, it would have. He's still messed up bad."_

_I was confused, that wasn't an answer to my question. But what confused me more was how it was relevant now. It had been months now. Ezekiel was supposed to of healed Sam._

_"But you said the angel Ezekiel helped heal him?" I asked._

_"Look I gotta do anything I can to get him back, now if that means that we keep our distance for a little while then I don't have a choice. I don't feel good about it but I don't have a choice. It's great to have your help Cas but we just can't work together."_

_The hole in my chest wasn't silent anymore, not like it had been when Dean had patted me on the back._

_It was loud and angry._

_I was neither of those things._

_I was quiet and upset as it sank in what Dean had said._

_It didn't make any sense but it was clear that Dean wanted me to leave._

_"Cas-" He started, I looked up and he had that damn look on his face again._

_The guilty look._

_I hated it. I never wanted to see it again._

_"I understand, it's okay." I nodded as I took my leave before I'd see his face again._

_Leaving my beer that I'd just bought._

_Dean could have it._

_I didn't mind._

_I understand, it's okay._

_I said that again._

_But it was the same as before._

_I didn't understand and it wasn't okay._

_I wanted to go back to my park in Idaho and find the man, I was pretty sure I knew what blowing was now, I'd heard some teenagers talking about it at work._

_Including the money that I had saved for gas I only had about fifty dollars left._

_But the thought of finding him and him pushing me against the wall and him being on me again made me want to throw up._

_Maybe I would pray for help._

_Maybe an angel would help me help our brothers and sisters._

_I hoped so._

_My plan to get Sam and Dean to be my friends again had clearly failed._   
  


When Dean would tell me to leave I would go to Jerry, let him know that I was okay. 

I would try and get a job to support myself so I could afford gas for my car. 

I would try and continue hunting, that would keep me from disappointing Dean any further. 

I nodded to myself. 

At least as an angel I wouldn't need to sleep outside, I could just be outside and watch the sky until it was time to 'be awake' again. 

But I couldn't feel my grace. 

What if I became human again? 

I would be the same as before. 

I let my head rest on my knees until Sam knocked on my door. "Open up, it's me." 

I unlocked the door and stood up. 

"You okay?" He asked. 

I nodded. 

"Jerry's gonna come back later. Dean come out yet?" Sam's eyes roamed over me, checking that my bandages were still in place. 

I scowled and moved my arms behind my back. "No." 

"You wanna come get some food?" 

"No." 

"I'm gonna go and talk to him. Will you be okay in here?" 

"Yeah. I don't need a babysitter." I rolled my eyes. 

But when he left I felt my chest ache more, maybe I did need a baby sitter. 

I sat in front of the door again, my hands underneath me just in case. 

My headache had vanished now. 

I pursed my lips, Sam would probably hear me banging my head somehow. 

I stared ahead at the bed, hearing them talking. 

I couldn't hear what they were saying just their voices. 

Dean sounded quiet whilst Sam sounded loud. 

That was different. 

Whilst I knew that they were both occupied I went to the shelf above my bed and got the envelope of photos. 

I flicked through them, trying to quiet the aching in my chest. 

It worked a little bit, I felt the cold of the door against my back as I stroked the photos. 

I loved the one I had of an ant, I'd managed to get so close to it and it was carrying a leaf that was at least four times its size. 

I shoved the photos back into the envelope and put them on my desk when there was a knock on my door. 

"Cas?" It was Dean. 

I rolled on my feet. 

I didn't know what to do. 

"I can hear you breathing, man. Let me in." Dean sighed. 

My hands were shaking as I unlocked the door, I stared at the floor as he brushed past me. 

"Shut the door." He mumbled. 

I swallowed and shut it, keeping my hand there. 

"You're not even gonna look at me?" He asked. 

I could feel his eyes on me, on every singe part of my body. 

I felt my shoulders shrink and my head sink down further. 

Was it possible that I felt the hole in my chest expanding and shrinking in time with my breathing? That hadn't happened before. 

I shook my head. 

"Cas, c'mon look at me." He growled. 

"No." I moved my hand away from the door and held my wrist so I wasn't shaking as much. 

"Let me guess, you think I'm gonna throw you into the impala and drive you to the damn bus station again huh?" 

I stared at my own feet, blinking back the tears that kept forming. 

He was angry. 

I could hear it in his voice. 

Angrier than I'd ever heard him, but he was being quiet. Controlling his volume. Nothing had broken yet. I hadn't heard him move from the middle of the room since he'd walked in. 

"So that's a yes." He sighed. "I'm not gonna lie to you, Cas. I'm freaking mad okay? You knew I would be." 

I nodded. 

"But I'm not gonna do that. We're gonna try something new and talk through it." He groaned. "Dammit Cas, fucking look at me!" He yelled. 

"I-I can't." I hummed, trying my hardest not to let the hole in my chest win and make me make the embarrassing sounds. Like I was an injured animal. I wouldn't do that. 

"What? You think I'm gonna hurt you or something? Cas, I wanna beat you black and blue right now, it might knock some freaking sense into that dumb head of yours." He walked over to me slowly and reached his hand out, his hand going under my chin and jerking my head up to look at him. 

I didn't move quickly enough, I saw him and it was worse than I thought. 

He was red in the face, the veins in his neck were standing out. The tips of his ears almost red in colour he was that angry. I'd only seen that a few times. There was a deep frown on his face, his other hand was in a fist and was shaking. His eyes were the worst, I knew they would be. The anger was the most obvious emotion there, then there was the usual deep sadness that I always saw, it was louder now. Then there was just such disappointment and guilt. 

I shook my head and jerked away from him, my back against the door. 

"I'm not gonna actually hurt you, Cas. I swear." He ran a hand over his face but everything stayed the same. "I-I'm mad, I'm really mad."

"I know." I bit the inside of my cheeks, tasting the blood. 

"I told you, I fucking told you, man. I was praying, freaking praying that Sammy was lying to me and it was all some kinda sick prank." Dean grit his teeth and turned away from me. 

"I know." 

"Then why?!" He yelled and then sighed, taking a few deep breaths. "Sam says you ain't doing it anymore, that right?" 

"Y-"

"Look at me when you tell me." He ordered. 

I swallowed but forced my eyes to find his from across the room. 

"I'm not." I choked on a few tears but quickly wiped them away, breathing through my nose to get rid of them. 

"I-I never wanted to-" Dean moved so he was sat on the edge of my bed. "Dammit-I-Cas. I never wanted you to-" He sighed, his hands shaking in fists on his knees.

"I'm sorry." I wrapped my arms around my chest, surely it was going to fall to pieces now. 

I felt the familiar aches and screeches from my chest, I wanted to fly away so badly. 

My wings were in tatters, it was impossible. 

Even if I could feel my grace. 

"Talk me through it. C'mere and talk me through it. I promise I won't get mad at you. No shouting." He slowly released his hands so they weren't in fists. "Please? I just- I gotta understand."

"I don't want to-" I bit the inside of my cheeks. 

"Cas." He sighed. "Just sit down at least, you look like you're about to fall over." 

I made my way to the bed, my arms wrapped around my chest so tight that I was sure that my fingers would cause bruises on my ribs but it was holding me together.

I made sure to sit on the opposite end of the bed to Dean.

He was still shaking. 

"Why didn't you just tell me?" He was biting his nails now, I'd never really seen him do that before. 

The hole in my chest tugged at itself and ached. 

**You knew this would happen, Dean's blaming himself. He's going to get a hole in his chest just like you and then he's going to feel like this. Because of you.**

"I knew you'd be mad." I whispered.

"Yeah, of course I'm gonna be angry about it. But you've been letting this and God knows what else eat at you for months? What the Hell, Cas?" Dean was trying his best to keep his voice quiet but he was struggling. 

I swallowed as I looked back at him. 

I'd done this to him. 

He was this angry and upset because of me. 

I knew I'd disappoint him again. 

I knew it. 

"Cas, hey. Focus." Dean waved his hand in front of my face. "You knew it was a bad thing right?" 

I nodded slowly. 

"You remembered that you promised not to?" 

I nodded again. 

"Then why?" He sighed. "I remember you saying that you didn't think it sounded like something you'd do. I thought maybe Zachariah was just trying to mess with me." He rolled his eyes. 

"Zachariah?" I hadn't heard Dean mention him in years. 

Dean huffed. "When I made you promise me it was-I thought Zach was messing with me alright, I never thought- dammit." Dean wiped a few tears away. "He sent me to this weird future to try and make me say yes to Michael and-you...you were there- of course you were freaking there." He bit his bottom lip.

_Scratch._

"But it was different- I spoke to you there and all-all the angels had left but you. You stayed, with me. And hearing that just made me confused if anything and then you told me when they left you became human, slowly too. And-it was goddamn awful, Cas. Truly just how sad and lost you were it broke my damn heart seeing you like that." Dean looked away. 

_Tear._

"It probably wasn't-real." I struggled to see his point. "Zachariah liked to mess around in peoples heads." 

Dean shook his head. "No, it was real alright. I-I know that it was now. You were so damn messed up, and the only reason you stayed when your entire family left was because of me and y'know how I treated you in that future?"

I shook my head. 

"I sent you to freaking die and Cas, that's been fucking me up for years now. I-I can't believe I'd ever do it and I kept telling myself it wasn't real and it was Zach bein' a dick or whatever but-" He sighed big, finally looking back at me. "In that future you wanted all the pain to go away, y-you couldn't handle being human there either. You were swallowing pills like they were damn gummy vitamins and I- I just watched you swallowing them all, laughing when you did it. You fucking knew that the future version of me was just sending you in a building to get ripped apart. And you were so drugged up that you just-you just went along with it." Dean smiled weakly.

_Ache._

"And I tried to stop the future me from doing it but he wouldn't have any of it. Then after you got me and I saw it was _you_ again. All sparkly clean with your suit and trench coat, your tie the wrong damn way." Dean chuckled. "I knew I couldn't let that future happen, I needed to sort things out with Sam and make sure you never touched a freaking drug in your life. And I failed, man. I failed clearly. You did exactly what Zachariah said you would, you became human and couldn't deal." 

_Twist._

I tried to process everything he'd just said, it was so much to take in and he was trying to wipe his tears away and trying to put the angry face back on but it wasn't working. 

Both of our masks had slipped. 

"It wasn't your fault. I wasn't anywhere near you when I did it." I tried to argue with the guilt he had. 

He scoffed. "If I didn't send you away would you of done it?" 

I shrugged. 

I didn't know. 

It wasn't just Dean sending me away that I wanted to not feel. 

Everything else hurt just as much. 

_Rebelling, the apocalypse, Naomi, purgatory, the war with Raphael, all the angels I had killed, Balthazar, trusting Metatron, taking the tablet, hurting Dean, breaking Sam's wall, the leviathans, being too broken to help clean up my own mess, all of the angels falling, Sam and Dean not wanting me anymore, being human, emotions, having nobody to call a friend or family anymore._

It all add up, granted the fact that Dean didn't want me anymore was a big piece it wasn't the only one. I wouldn't let him take the credit for it. 

Dean seemed to be shaking less now, his eyes were becoming more focused and less teary. 

"I'm still mad about it, and I wanna ask more about it when we're having better days, but I know that it must of got real bad for you to turn to that. Am I right?" 

I nodded. "I didn't think there was anything else that would help, Dean. I'm sorry."

"I know you are." He sighed. "Just promise me something?"

"What?"

"If you ever feel like doing them again you call me, it doesn't matter if we're fighting. I don't care if you and me are in the middle of a big argument and have been ignoring each other over breakfast for months, you feel like that. You come to me and we talk it out. Promise me that? Please Cas?"

I'd never understood Dean's sudden aversion to drugs but it made more sense now. 

I knew he'd done drugs before so it always confused me but I thought it was best to just humour him and make the promise. 

Now it made sense. 

He was desperate, looking right at me, our eyes locked and both filled with un fallen tears, our cheeks tear tracked, eyes red rimmed. 

"I promise." I nodded. 

He broke into a shaky smile. "That's all I need." He sighed. "Gonna ask you one more thing tonight if that's okay?" 

"What is it?" I asked. 

"The guy who gave you them, I want his name and where he gave you them."

"I don't know his name." I sighed, shuddering at the memory of his hands on me.

"Description at least. Sammy- Sam said he hurt you and I don't stand for that. So I'm finding him and breaking his jaw." Dean growled.

"He didn't hurt me that bad. He just hit my head on the wall, that's all. I hardly think that makes him deserve his jaw being broken." I felt myself smiling. 

"I think it's letting him off easy." Dean huffed. "I'll find the son of a bitch." 

"I know you will." I bit my lip, letting my arms relax a little bit from around my ribs. 

"Damn straight. C'mere you dumbass." He held his arms open. 

I uncrossed my legs and relaxed my arms completely so I could hug him. 

He wrapped his arms tight around me. 

I felt warm. 

"Are you still angry?" I mumbled into his shoulder. 

"Yeah." He sighed, his hand rubbing my back. 

"Is there anything I can do to help?" 

"Just don't do anything like that ever again." 

"Alright, Dean." 

"Hey, Cas?" He moved one of his hands so it was holding mine. 

"Yeah?"

"I know some other shit happened when you were human, and I know you're freaking out about it still. But I'm here to listen to it whenever you're ready. You got that?" 

"Thank you, Dean." I squeezed his hand.

I felt like there was a weight lifted from my shoulders. 

Dean knew about the worst thing I'd done as a human and he'd kind of forgiven me.

But how many things could he forgive? 

How many more times could he deal with me having an episode and admitting more of the things I did? 

It would get too much. 

But when? 

Also would Sam feel the same?

I wanted so badly the believe that they would keep me in the bunker and that they viewed me as part of their family still but it was difficult. 

My entire body screamed and ached, telling me it was all lies and that I wasn't worth any of this. 

But Dean didn't leave my room, he kept hold of my hand and sat beside me. 

Both of us staring at the walls to try and calm down. 

I felt a little bit of hope, it almost swallowed the ache of the hole in my chest. 

Almost. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of a long one but I really wanted to get Dean to say why he's so against Cas doing drugs and why Cas would be predisposed to turning to drugs anyway. I think Zachariah knew that Cas was a little different to most angels so he wouldn't take being a human very well and would struggle and with the right pushes would turn to drugs to help as in the first few episodes of season five we see cas turning to alcohol a few times. He has trouble coping by himself and that was shown quite early on with his character.  
> Hope it made sense for you guys why I chose to do that but that is pretty much the end of the drug story line, it opens the conversation for Cas and Dean to talk more about everything else.  
> Anyway I'm rambling.  
> Hope you enjoy this chapter, new chapter up sometime tomorrow.  
> Stay safe and let me know how you're finding it  
> lotta love :)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so we've got a short chapter today unfortunately but hopefully tomorrow I'll have a big one for you guys.   
> Thank you all again for your lovely comments.   
> Mean the world to me.   
> Lotta love dudes.

**Castiel's POV**

"So what exactly are you wanting to do?" Jerry asked whilst looking around my room. 

I shrugged. "Sam and Dean said that I could do whatever I want because it's my room but I don't want it to change too much." 

"Just in case." Jerry muttered with a frown but grinned quickly. "So no hot pink paint?" 

I shook my head. "I don't think so. I'd like to display some of my photos though." I handed him my envelope. "Some of them are a little blurry." 

"Your photos, your room." He shrugged. "You got any frames knocking about this place?" 

I nodded to the desk that had a box from a storage room I'd found which had the few photo frames that I'd found. 

He grinned. "These will work. How about you pick your favourites? The ones that make you the happiest." 

I nodded and took the envelope back. 

It wasn't hard to choose. 

The first one was the photograph of Sam getting licked by Zoey the German Shepherd and laughing so much that his eyes were closed. Jerry was in the background of that photograph trying to pull Zoey back but he was laughing too much so was struggling. The photo always made me smile and remember that day, it was one of the rare really good days. I handed the photo to Jerry, he laughed as he put it into the frame carefully. 

"I swear that dog just wants to eat Sam." He chuckled. 

"I don't think that Sam minds too much." I laughed with him. 

The second one was only taken a couple of weeks ago on one of my good days, Dean was trying to teach me how to cook but was starting to mess around to try and get me to laugh, the photo was of Dean pulling a face whilst he was cooking in the kitchen, he had a women's cooking apron on which was frilly. I was sure Sam had given it to him as a joke but Dean continued to wear it. His hands were on his hips and his eyes were crossed, a big smile on his face as he tried to not laugh and keep his face in the 'scary' position. He tried to make me delete the photo as soon as he realised I'd taken it but I'd refused and instead promised that I wouldn't show it to Sam. If Sam came into my room it wouldn't be hard to hide the photo frame. 

Jerry burst out laughing when I handed it to him. "Wow. Now this is a master piece. You could win awards." He winked. 

"Dean doesn't like that photo." I grinned. 

"I can see why." Jerry wiped a tear from his eye as he put it into the frame, setting it aside as I got the next one. 

The third photo was one that Sam had taken of all of us during a hunt, he'd held up the phone and made sure we all squeezed in tight so all of our faces would be inside the photo. We were all covered in dirt and blood from the ghouls that we'd just killed but we were all smiling because it meant that we could go back to the bunker and have showers as soon as we set foot inside. We were all together and we were all happy. When that was taken the hole in my chest hadn't been bothering me for weeks. It was a better time I supposed. 

"Is that blood?" Jerry asked with a raised eyebrow. 

"Monsters blood." I shrugged. "It was a successful day." 

"It's gonna take some time getting used to your jobs." Jerry chuckled. "You've got one more frame, what are you thinking?"

"This one." I handed him the photograph of Sam and I in the bunkers garage washing the impala. 

Dean had taken it with my phone and I hadn't noticed it until we'd printed them out a few days ago. 

Sam looked like he'd been caught in a terrible rain storm, his hair was stuck to his face and his t-shirt was dripping with water. He was laughing hard and had clearly just thrown the sponge he was using across the car towards me. The sponge was midair and I hadn't noticed yet so I was laughing at the state of Sam's clothes even though I was no better, my jeans were stuck to my legs, my t-shirt full of water and the soap suds in my hair. I remembered how we'd both complained about our jeans feeling heavy and disgusting after and Dean telling us that we should of listened to him about wearing jean shorts. 

"You look real happy here, Cas." Jerry smiled as he put it into the frame. 

"I think I was." I smiled. 

"Okay, that's your frames, where should we put them?" 

"I was thinking they would look good on my shelf and on my desk?" I asked him, he was the only one of us who'd had their own room before. 

"Sounds good, which ones on your desk?" 

"The one of Dean with the apron and the one of Sam, you and Zoey." 

He nodded and went to set them up whilst I got the other two and put one on either side of the shelf. "What next?" 

"Did you get the sheets?" I asked. 

"Yeah, I couldn't pick between the two patterns so I just got both." 

I smiled and looked inside the bag that he'd brought with him. 

Both patterns were great. 

I couldn't pick which one I wanted. 

"How much did they cost?"

"They were on sale so they were fifteen dollars. Do you like them?"

I nodded and handed him the cash from my desk. "I don't know which ones I want to put on." 

He pursed his lips. "How about you have the yellow? Yellow's a good colour right?"

I nodded. "Bees and daffodils are yellow."

"Exactly. Do you know how to change sheets?" 

I shook my head. 

It was maybe the most difficult yet simple task I'd ever had to do. 

It looked easy, I'd seen it done countless times but actually doing it was another story. 

The bottom sheet kept pinging off the bed until I had Jerry hold one side down with his entire body whilst I tugged at the other side. 

Then we both got our arms tangled trying to fit the covers into the new yellow sheets. 

After what felt like hours we'd finished and both lay on the bed out of breath. 

"I'm glad there's a cleaning lady who does mine." Jerry panted. "I should start tipping her better." 

I laughed. "Maybe you should. If she has to do that every day, multiple times." 

"She could be a witch." Jerry suggested with a smirk. 

I was glad I wasn't hiding anything about what Sam, Dean and I did anymore. 

But I kept forgetting that he knew and it would take me by surprise when he would mention anything about it. 

"The shelf is looking a little bare, how about a book?" Jerry asked and reached into his bag and pulled out a book and handed it to me. 

"The Bible?" I raised an eyebrow at him. 

He bit his lip so he wouldn't laugh. "I mean, it's never too late to learn about God's plan right?"

"You're such a dick." I laughed and put the book on my shelf. 

"I think that's a pretty good start." He grinned, clapping his hands. "We make a good team." 

I looked around the room and nodded. 

It looked like it was mine now, Sam and Dean didn't have yellow bed sheets and my photos were new ones. Not old ones. 

I loved it. 

"I want to show Sam and Dean." I grinned. 

_I didn't know what I was supposed to do now._

_Dean was here._

_My wrist hurt awfully and my chest was hurting more than it ever had._

_But I could barely give either of them any notice._

_Dean was tired._

_I could tell that he was and so was I._

_It was getting very late after getting rid of Ephriam's vessel and we were sat in the car, not moving, not talking._

_I knew that the thing to do was offer him to 'crash' at my place until the morning. That's what friends are supposed to do._

_But how could I bring him to the park?_

_To the Gas'n'Sip?_

_I felt bile rising in my throat as I thought about the shame that would cause._

_"Hey, you okay? You don't look so good." Dean yawned but his eyes showed concern._

_"My wrist hurts." I half lied._

_"Oh crap. Sorry Cas, let me look. I completely forgot about that." He held his hand out and I put my wrist in his hand carefully._

_He was gentle and quick, feeling around my wrist._

_"You're gonna need the hospital." He sighed. "C'mon." He started up the car._

_Dean groaned at waiting in the hospital for hours but I enjoyed it._

_Each hour that passed without us being seen to was more time wasted and Dean may not realise that I didn't have a home for him to 'crash' at._

_"You can leave me here if you want?" I offered once it reached two am._

_He shook his head but moaned again ten minutes later._

_Finally we were being seen to._

_It was five am._

_I had work at 9am, there would be no point in going 'home' for the sake of less than four hours._

_I could get him to drop me off or at least drop me off somewhere close by._

_Dean used one of his insurance cards for me, I wanted to tell him not to, I could look after myself but Dean grumbled about it being thousands of dollars without insurance._

_I let him use his card then._

_But when it came to the doctors telling me to pick up some medication for the pain Dean offered to drive me to get them but I declined, telling him I had work at 9am._

_"All work and no play huh?" He grinned. "Always read the label on the bottle though, Cas. Don't take too many at once."_

_"I won't." I nodded._

_"Good."_

_We drove to the Gas'n'Sip and I was amazed that I'd gotten away with Dean not finding out how bad I was doing on my own, if he comes again I'll have a home then. I'd show him where I was living, I'd let him 'crash' there and it would be warm and have a bed with pillows and it would have a shower with hot water and nice smelling soaps. He'd be so proud._

_I think he would._

_I couldn't wait for that day to come._

"What do you mean you need to show us something?" Dean asked, rubbing his eyes.

Sam laughed at the sticky notes he'd put on Dean's back as he'd fallen asleep at the table. 

"Please?" I asked.

Dean smiled sleepily. "You didn't touch my car right?"

"No." I rolled my eyes. 

Sam and Dean followed me and Jerry to my room. 

"Close your eyes." I said as I opened the door. 

"This better be good enough to wake me up for." Dean grumbled. 

"It is." Jerry snapped. 

I pulled Sam and Dean so they were in the centre of the room and went to close the door and quickly put the photo of Dean in the apron face down so that Sam wouldn't see it. 

"You can look now." I stood beside Jerry, watching their reactions. 

They both spotted the change of bed sheets first. "Yellow?" Dean raised an eyebrow. "Bees?"

"And daffodils." I nodded. 

"Cute." He smiled. "Are they your photos?" 

I nodded as they both went to look at the frames. 

"Oh God." Sam burst out laughing. "Your face after that sponge landed on your head, I think I'll remember that when I'm in my nineties." 

"The room looks amazing, Cas." Dean looked around again, picking up the photo of him in the apron and immediately putting it back face down with a blush on his cheeks. 

I grinned. 

"It does, nice touch with the bible." Sam smirked. 

"My idea." Jerry snorted. 

I rolled my eyes. "Jerry's being very literal after finding out about my being an angel." 

"It's not every day your friend tells you he's an actual angel." Jerry grinned. "So, do we have a future in interior design or what, fellas?" 

Sam laughed. "Sure, man. Get your own TV show and everything." 

"I was thinking bigger, movie deals." Jerry argued. 

"Wanna ride home?" Sam asked. 

Jerry did have work quite early in the morning. 

"Only if you agree it would make a great movie. See you later guys." Jerry grinned at Dean and I. 

Dean was still blushing and trying to hide the photo frame of him on my desk. 

Jerry noticed and smirked at me then put his hands on his hips and winked at Dean before he left my room. 

Sam laughed again and followed Jerry outside of my room. 

Once they'd shut the door Dean picked up the photo frame of him in the apron and chuckled, the blush still on his cheeks. 

"This is the photo you choose to frame?"

"Jerry said I should pick my favourites, the ones that make me happiest and that was a good day." I explained. "I'll put it down every time Sam comes in." 

"Jerry's probably telling him all about it right now." Dean rolled his eyes and put the frame back down, standing it up right and heading to sit on the bed. 

"Oh, sorry."

"It's okay, Cas. I'm only joking. I really like what you've done in here. It's very you." He smiled looking around. "We could find more frames and put them on the walls? More of your favourites?" 

I sat beside him. "That sounds like it would be really nice." 

Dean tapped on my bandaged arm for me to hold my arms out. 

I let him unwrap the bandages and turned away as he checked my wounds and re dressed them, I could feel that I hadn't healed.

I didn't want to see what I'd done. 

It had only been three days and without being able to find my grace, I was healing like a human would. 

Slowly. 

"You're healing nicely, man. No infections. How're you feeling?" Dean asked as he wrapped new bandages around my arms gently, tying off the last one and setting the first aid kit on my night stand. 

"Really good." I sighed and lay back, Dean followed suit and found my hand. 

"That makes me happy, Cas." He squeezed my hand. "Y'know I think these new sheets make the bed even comfier."

"I agree." I smiled. "I got some green ones too, they're in the drawers." 

"Really good day then, huh?"

I looked around _my_ room which had my things inside of it and Dean lay here next to me, my chest felt sore but nothing actually hurt apart from a little tug around the edges as it shrunk slightly. I nodded. "Definitely. I hope Jerry was joking about doing it as a career, getting these sheets on was terribly difficult without using my grace." 

Dean laughed, turning to look at me. "Yeah, he was joking. You're still a hunter." 

_A hunter._

I smiled wide and squeezed his hand. 

Dean let out a big breath and closed his eyes. 

"Are you okay?" I asked. 

"Just a little tired, man. Nothing to worry about." 

"You can sleep in here if you want? The sheets are comfier you said." 

"You sure? It's your room, Cas." 

"Of course." 

"Just a couple hours and then I'll come and hang out with you and Sam." Dean sighed, kicking his shoes off and putting them neatly beside the bed. 

"Yeah, I'll do some reading until Sam gets back." 

"You gonna be okay with that?" He asked. 

I nodded. 

Dean smiled and squeezed my hand again. "See you in a couple hours, buddy." He pulled his t-shirt off and put it on my chair as I left the room. 

I didn't have the opportunity to let him 'crash at my place' when I was human so I should at least let him now that I had my own room. 

It felt good to be able to offer it. 

Really good. 

I headed to the library and pulled out one of the books that Sam had told me was interesting last week and went to the entrance of the bunker, sitting on the patch of grass just beside the bunker. 

I set the book beside me as I realised that the sun was setting and the stars and moon were coming out. 

Finding all of the constellations had always given me peace as a human, remembering which angel had made each one. 

We weren't supposed to make any stars, only be soldiers. 

Be ready at a moments notice to fight. 

When you're not fighting you should be watching and observing humanity. 

When you weren't doing either of those you should be training or seeking missions from your superior brothers and sisters. 

But my garrison weren't known for doing as we were told. 

I smiled as I thought about the years we'd spent making stars and constellations without being caught, I'd been caught once and I now know I was taken to Naomi to forget it and to be 'reset'. I shook that thought away as it tore at my chest. I focused more on finding mine and Balthazar's constellation we'd made together whilst Anna and Uriel covered for us. 

I was always able to see it as an angel, I'd missed it so much when I was a human. I'd see all of my brothers and sisters creations but never my own. But now, the sky was clear and I was finally able to see my constellation even with my limited eyesight. 

I was surprised that it took so long for us to get caught. The humans called the constellation 'Ophiuchus, the serpent bearer' we hadn't intended for the humans to interpret it as that but they couldn't see what we could whilst we were building it, they couldn't see all of the beautiful colours exploding with light as we set everything in place. They couldn't smell the stardust all over the area, we were careful not to interfere with the stars that the humans had decided were part of horoscopes but it was close by, we made it purposefully less bright so that only we knew it was there, but humans always found a way to see and over the thousands of years it had become easier and easier to see. 

"What're you doing outside?" Sam grinned walking over. "Where's Dean?"

"He's asleep, I was going to read but I got distracted." 

Sam held a hand out and I accepted it to help me up. 

"Have you not noticed that it's freezing out here? You're not wearing a coat." He rolled his eyes. 

I scrunched my eyebrows. 

Sam thought that this was cold? 

I shrugged but followed him inside. "Dean's sleeping?" He asked. 

"Yeah, he said that he'd be awake in a couple of hours." 

Sam scoffed. "Yeah, sure he is. Wanna watch a movie or something? The night is young." 

"What movie?" I asked. 

"I haven't watched Guardians of the galaxy yet?" 

"I don't know what that is." 

"Me neither, not really. We can both be new at it?" 

"That sounds like fun." I nodded. 

"Great, every movie night needs popcorn and pjs. You go get your pjs on and I'll set up the movie." He grinned. 

I nodded and very quietly went into my room, making sure to tip toe, I expected Dean to wake up and point a gun at me like usual but he was snoring, fast asleep. 

I smiled and got my pjs and headed to the bathroom to change so I wouldn't disturb him. 

When I got back to the library Sam had the movie set up on his laptop and was bringing in some popcorn. 

"Hey Cas. I'll be right back." He grinned and left, presumably to put on his pjs. 

I didn't understand why watching a movie required me to put on different clothes but Sam had weird habits sometimes so I didn't question it. 

I ended up understanding why I was required to wear pjs for the movie night. 

It was so much comfier and relaxing to wear night wear when watching a movie in the dark. 

The movie itself was confusing and made little sense and I found it odd and unsettling that there were languages that I didn't speak in the movie but Sam assured me they were made up languages and I hadn't just forgotten a language. 

"I'd love to do another movie but I'm beat. I'm gonna head to bed, you look like you should do the same." Sam yawned once it was over. 

I yawned back which was strange, I'd heard of yawning being 'catch able' but I'd never experienced it properly, I'd always been tired as a human so it was usually probably a coincidence when I'd yawn then. 

"Goodnight, Sam." I smiled as he left the library. 

I waited up for Dean to wake up but after an hour of being sat at the library table he still hadn't come in. 

Maybe I should sleep in another room? 

But he'd wanted to wake up after a few hours. 

Maybe he had things to do now and needed to be awake. 

I should probably wake him up. 

I opened the door and shut it at a normal volume, expecting him to wake up from that. 

I knew he was an angry sleeper so I didn't want to shake him awake like he did to me. 

"Dean?" I asked. 

Nothing. 

I stepped closer and called his name again. 

He groaned and turned over.

"Dean, it's been a few hours." I stood beside the bed. 

"Tired." He mumbled. 

"I can sleep next door if you want to stay here." I rolled on my feet. 

Dean turned over again, looking at me with bleary eyes and a pout. "No." 

I was confused, if he was sleeping here and he didn't want me to sleep in another room then what was I supposed to do? 

Without my grace I needed to sleep. 

"Then what-"

He pulled on my hand until I was lay in the bed with him, he moved the covers so they were wrapped around my shoulders. 

"You okay with this?" He mumbled sleepily. 

"Yes." I let my head relax on the pillows, feeling the heat coming from Dean's body beside me. 

"Get some sleep, Cas." He squeezed my hand and within seconds he was snoring again. 

I looked to the door, it was shut. 

Sam wouldn't be happy. 

I sighed and tried to move but Dean's hand let go of mine, his arm slotting around my waist instead. I supposed I'd have to stay like this then. 

Trying to fall asleep proved to be the easiest it had ever been. 

It had been a really good day, my room felt like it was _my_ room, Jerry and I had been laughing together and teasing, I was able to see my constellation that I'd made with my favourite brother, I had had my first ever movie night with Sam and now I was going to sleep in _my_ bed with Dean beside me and he wasn't angry or upset with me. I almost forgot as I was drifting to sleep that my grace wasn't anywhere to be found and the hole in my chest was barely aching the more I fell into unconsciousness. 

A really good day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed even if it was a little shorter than my usual 4000-5000 word chapters ahaha.   
> I think we all needed a bit of fluff and self care though after the last few chapters being quite heavy.   
> Let me know what you think about this chapter, your comments and kudos really do inspire me to write.   
> Lotta love and new chapter in around 24 hours, maybe before.   
> Stay safe out there


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey,  
> hope you all enjoyed the last chapter.  
> Sorry it took me literally all day to get this one out, I'm trying to stick to one chapter a day now so I'll be starting the next chapter at some point tomorrow.

**Castiel's POV**

I'd missed the soup kitchen terribly, it had only been a few days but seeing everyone's familiar faces light up when they saw Jerry and I as they walked inside the soup kitchen, the sandwiches that Dean and I had been making all afternoon already set up on the tables and the smell of the soup that Cindy and I had been making in the air. 

"Fancy seeing you here." 

"Hey stranger!"

"Cas!"

"Aren't you a sight for sore eyes?"

Jerry told me that everyone had been asking where I was but I hadn't believed him. 

"Are you gonna say I told you so again?" I asked when I saw Jerry smirking as we started to serve the soup to everyone. 

Jerry snorted. "I've been itching to say it since we got here and Cindy pretty much started crying." 

"She wasn't almost crying." I rolled my eyes at his exaggeration. 

"Yeah, yeah." Jerry chuckled. "It's good to have you back here, didn't feel the same without you." 

"Thank you, Jerry." I felt myself smiling. 

"Looks like the sandwiches are a big hit again." Jerry nodded towards a far table where two men seemed to be arguing over the last sandwich with cheese and ham. 

I sighed. "There's other ham and cheese on other tables." 

Jerry rolled his eyes. "I'd of killed for a ham and cheese sandwich a year ago, they probably don't realise. You want me to deal with it?" 

_I'd been really lucky today._

_I'd found two burgers in the dumpster that had only just been put in there._

_They were still slightly warm, I didn't question why they were in there._

_But right beside them was a bottle of clearly home made alcohol, it had a handwritten label that said it was 'Pete's moonshine'. I'd never heard of that kind of alcohol before but it smelt strong._

_I decided that I would drink some of it before I would eat my burgers, it had started to snow and my hands were shaking and aching every time I bent my fingers._

_The moonshine tasted truly awful, it burned as it made it way down my throat but after a while it did what the whiskey had done last week and warmed me right through to the bones._

_I smiled and drank some more behind the dumpster._

_I didn't even hear the man coming, just all of a sudden I was pushed to the floor, my arms around the moonshine and the warm burgers._

_I stared up to see who my attacker was._

_Was it an angel?_

_Finally the angels that Dean had said were after me._

_I felt the hole in my chest tear, now I wouldn't be able to tell Dean it would be safe for him and Sam if I were at the bunker because the angels were still after me._

_"Hey, pretty boy. Give me that." He growled._

_I scrunched my eyebrows._

_"Are you Pete?" I asked._

_He kicked my shoulder which made my grip on the moonshine loosen._

_He took it straight away, he was about to turn and walk away but I think he smelt the burgers._

_"You really didn't tell me you had food too?" He kicked the back of my knee as I tried to stand up._

_I sighed on the floor, my hands getting cold again after trying to steady myself on the snow covered concrete._

_"There's two, would you like one?" I offered, maybe he would leave me alone._

_"Two? Well aren't you a lucky bird?"_

_I tilted my head._

_He might be an angel if he was teasing me about not having wings. But why would he want my food?_

_But angels usually changed the clothes of their vessels right away into formal attire. This man looked like me, only his hair was down to his shoulders and matted, his beard spread over his face._

_"I'm sorry?" I asked._

_"Give me the food or I'll take it from you."_

_"But-we could share it? I haven't eaten in four days now." I gulped, I shouldn't of drank the moonshine first._

_"Make it five days." He growled and reached to snatch the bag._

_I let him._

_"No fight left?"_

_"Just take it." I sighed._

_"Atta boy." He took off out of the alley way, I could hear him moaning as he ate the burgers._

_The hole in my chest wailed, Dean used to say that all the time. Whenever he was happy I was doing something he'd grin, pat me on my back and say those two words to me._

_I didn't understand why that made tears spill from my eyes but it did._

"It looks like Cindy has it under control." I nodded back to the men who were arguing, Cindy was on her way over to them with a ham and cheese sandwich in her hand and a stern look on her face. 

Jerry chuckled. "I would not wanna be told off by her, gingers are a different level of feisty." 

I tilted my head, I'd never thought hair colour had anything to do with personality. 

But looking back on my experience, Anna had turned out to have red hair and her personality was fairly feisty for an angel even thousands of years before she fell. And from what I'd heard about Sam and Dean's friend Charlie, she was quite bold too. 

Maybe there was a correlation that I wasn't aware of.

I watched the two men and Cindy curiously. 

They seemed to be resolving the situation quite quickly, Cindy sitting in between them both and talking. 

I scrunched my eyebrows. 

"What're you thinking about?" Jerry asked, taking his apron off and heading to one of the tables.

"It just reminded me of something-" I sighed as I followed him. "I found food once and I thought a man wanted to share it but-"

"He just wanted the food off you?" Jerry guessed. 

"Yes, I always thought that humans were selfish in some ways but I never understood why he wanted all of the food and all of the alcohol when we could of shared. I'd shared with other people who sleep outside before." 

"I'm pretty sure everyone in here has had some dick homeless guy or girl steal their shit. It's probably why most people here wouldn't dream of doing it. Some people really are just looking out for number one and when you're in that position, I wouldn't really blame them." 

"You're right." I sighed. "I just never really understood it. Most people who sleep outside will just take what they need, sometimes not even that." 

Jerry nodded. "People are complicated, man. I wouldn't dwell on it too much." 

I nodded. 

"Sandwiches are a hit as usual." Cindy came over and squeezed my arm as she sat down. 

"We could tell." Jerry smirked.

Cindy pursed her lips. "First timer." She explained. 

Jerry and I nodded. 

"I was thinking that since your friend makes the sandwiches at least once a week why doesn't he come here and actually see how much he's helping?" 

I shook my head. "Dean just likes helping from far away." 

Cindy's lips thinned. "But he's helping us out so much! I mean surely he wants to see that, at least ask him?"

"I think Cindy here might have a crush on your boyfriend." Jerry teased as Cindy blushed. 

"He's not my boyfriend, Jerry." I huffed."I'll ask him when I get back." 

"Watch out Cas, Cindy will fight dirty to get him off you." 

"Shut up." I rolled my eyes as Jerry cackled. "You're such a dick." 

Cindy smiled at us both. "Don't listen to Jerry, Cas. He is a dick." She huffed but was clearly teasing as she stood up and left. 

"What was that for?" I frowned at him. 

"Oh come on, Cindy's clearly got the hots for him." 

"She's met him once." I rolled my eyes. 

"Once is more than enough to give a good impression." He waggled his eyebrows. 

"You're being inappropriate." I sighed. 

"You're being a prude." He laughed back. 

* * *

"People were fighting over my sandwiches?" Dean chuckled as he ate his dinner. "Damn." 

"Is there any correlation between hair colours and personality?" I asked, Jerry's comment on Cindy's hair coming back to my mind as I spotted the waitress in the diner walking past us, her red hair swinging. 

Jerry snorted beside me. 

"Let me guess, Jerry made a ginger joke and now you're confused?" Sam had a smile playing on his lips. 

"It was a joke?" I asked. 

Jerry snorted again. "Gingers are feisty, a well known fact." 

"Ginger women." Dean agreed. 

"Sam, is this actually truthful?" I sighed, seeing that Dean was most likely teasing.

"I mean, there's been no studies but-" Sam started.

"A hundred percent accurate, Cas." Dean grinned whilst gesturing with his burger. 

I narrowed my eyes. "If you say so." 

"I know so." Dean winked.

"What about other hair colours? Jerry, Sam and I all have dark hair but we aren't very similar in our personalities." I asked. 

Dean took a bite out of his burger, I presumed it was to give him time to think. 

Both Jerry and Sam were waiting expectantly with amused looks on their faces. 

"Well uh- I'm no scientist." He started, I knew then that it had definitely been a joke from Jerry but Dean was 'digging himself a hole'.

"But I know that you all have different shades of dark hair. I mean Cas yours is pretty much black unless you've been out in the sun. And Jerry's is a lighter brown and Sam's in the middle. So honestly you wouldn't have the same personalities anyway because your hair doesn't match." 

Sam and Jerry both covered their mouths with their hands as they laughed. 

"So what is the general term for people with dark hair then?" I asked. 

"Like I said, no scientist here." Dean looked like he wanted me to never speak again. "Usually people say they're quiet." 

"And blonde people?" Sam smirked at Jerry. 

"Blondes have more fun we all know that." Dean rolled his eyes. 

"Thanks for clearing that up Dean." I smiled with Jerry and Sam who were having trouble keeping straight faces now, watching how much Dean regretted trying to explain hair colours.

"Yeah, always happy to help out." He narrowed his eyes as I tried to hide my smile behind my burger. 

"Speaking of, Cindy wanted me to ask you to come to the soup kitchen next week. Jerry says it's because she has a crush on you." I carried on eating, hoping that he would say no. 

The people who slept outside and who volunteered at the soup kitchen knew that I'd been like them once and Dean didn't. If they told him it would be bad. 

"Cindy's the redhead right?" Dean asked. 

I nodded. 

"Real feisty." Jerry smirked. 

Dean looked to me. "I'll uh- I'll think about it next week. Let you know." 

"Okay." I smiled, carrying on with my food. 

* * *

Dean came into my room not long after we got back to the bunker from taking Jerry back to his motel room. 

He handed me a beer and took his place sat on my bed, leaning against the headboard. 

"How you doing today, Cas?" He asked, tapping his beer against mine before he started drinking it. 

"I'm doing okay." I nodded. 

"Only okay?" 

I nodded and shrugged. 

The hole in my chest was aching and tugging more than it had yesterday but overall it wasn't too unpleasant. 

Waking up in my room which felt so new with the photo frames and yellow bedding was great to wake up to, however having Dean's arm wrapped around me like steel and his drool in my ear and Sam standing there with an irritated look because my door was shut all the way, it wasn't the most pleasant thing to wake up to, even if Dean did apologise when he woke up. The rest of the day had gone okay after that, Sam and I watched another movie on his laptop and then Dean and I made the sandwiches for the people who slept outside, the soup kitchen was okay today too apart from the disagreement. Overall it was okay. 

"We could go on a drive? Try and make it into a good day before it's over?" He suggested. 

I shook my head. "It's already eleven thirty, we're both having a drink and you look tired." 

Dean rolled his eyes. "When did you get so old?"

"A few thousand years ago." I rolled my eyes back. 

Dean chuckled and sipped his beer. "I guess you're right. Can I ask you something?"

"Of course." I sat so I was facing him instead of sitting beside him. 

"Why don't you want me to help out at the soup kitchen? I can see it on your face- You don't want me there." 

"I'm not stopping you from going if that's what you want to do." I sipped my beer and looked away. 

He can't think that I didn't want him right? 

The hole in my chest pulled at that thought. 

"What do you do there? Talk to all of your friends about how terrible I am?" He grinned. 

"Of course not." I scowled. 

"Relax." He chuckled. "I know you wouldn't." He raised his eyebrows. 

"Do you want to go there?" I asked shakily. 

He shrugged. "I wouldn't mind it, giving back a little y'know. It's something you enjoy." 

I nodded. 

"But I can tell you really don't want me there." He sighed. 

"It's hard to explain." I bit the inside of my cheek, the mixture of blood and beer not being a nice one. 

"Yeah, I thought it would be something like that." He nodded. "I won't go unless you actually want me to." 

"I-I appreciate that, Dean. I can ask Cindy if she'd like your phone number if you want though? To make up for it." 

Dean gave me a very confused look. "Why would I want Cindy to have my phone number?" 

"I told you that Jerry said that she has a crush on you." I tilted my head at him. 

"Not interested." He shrugged. "Let her down easy for me, will you?"

"I could tell her you're married to your work?" I suggested, I'd heard that phrase a few times. 

He chuckled. "Sure, man. Whatever works." 

"When are you going to go on a case again?" I asked.

He sipped more of his beer, his eyebrows scrunching. "Sam said he hasn't seen anything." Dean shrugged. 

"Maybe it's just quiet out there." 

"When are we ever that lucky, huh?" He winked. "I'll get looking tomorrow, but I'm gonna get my four hours." He stood up and squeezed my shoulder, taking my mostly drank beer from my hands. 

"I heard that humans are supposed to get eight hours." 

"Goodnight, Cas." He smiled and left my room, the door open just a crack. 

The hole in my chest ached low for a few minutes, I wasn't tired yet but if I stayed up any longer and thought then it could turn into a bad day quickly. 

I grabbed my pjs and headed to the bathroom. 

I was always shocked with how great the showers were here, the pressure and the heat of the water felt like luxury. 

Much better than the sink in the Gas'n'Sip bathroom. 

Sam had said I could help myself to his body wash and shampoo which I greatly appreciated and took my time in washing my hair and body, feeling every inch of my body getting more and more clean. I avoided looking at my arms, closing my eyes when I washed them, I'd brought a long sleeved t-shirt so I would only risk seeing my hands and they shouldn't be too bad now. The smells invading my nose in the most pleasant and welcome way. The water was warm and soothed my aching chest. 

That's when I felt it. 

I felt a whisper of my grace, it was hiding behind the hole in my chest, it was floating in and out and I could feel it. It was faint but it was there. 

I quickly rinsed the soap and shampoo and shoved my pjs on and headed to Dean's room, knocking frantically. 

"What's up?" He yawned, getting to the door and stepping aside to let me in. "Uh Cas, you're all wet." Dean scrunched his nose. 

"I've been showering." I explained quickly as Dean turned around and walked over to his bed, folding his arms.

"What brings you here?" He asked. 

"I felt it." I grinned. 

"Felt what?" He searched my face. 

"I felt my grace. It's faint but I can feel it coming back. I'm not a human." I grinned again. 

"Oh. That's great, Cas." He smiled quickly.

He was lying. 

That was his fake smile. 

"You're not happy." 

It wasn't a question. 

"Of course I'm happy. You're getting your groove back." His eyes were hard, staring at the wall behind me. His jaw was set. 

"You don't look happy." I narrowed my eyes and tilted my head as I tried to search his face for the answers. 

"I'm freaking peachy, alright!" Dean rolled his eyes. "I wanna go to sleep Cas. Just-Just tell Sam or something." He waved his hands and went to sit on his bed. 

I swallowed and nodded. 

"Okay, sorry Dean." 

I ducked out of his room, he wasn't angry at me. 

He wasn't angry at me. 

He was trying to sleep. 

But why wasn't he in his pjs? 

Why was his bed still made? 

Why didn't he look like he'd been disturbed from trying to get to sleep? 

Maybe he just didn't want to spend time with me. 

I blocked the thoughts from my head as I entered the library, finding Sam sitting there reading a huge book, coffee in his hand. 

"You look wet." He grinned. "Never heard of a towel?"

"Obviously I've heard of a towel." I tilted my head at him. Sam asked such strange questions sometimes. "Are you busy?"

He shook his head. "Just reading up on your grace, man. What's up?" 

"I felt my grace again." I told him, for some reason the smile wasn't on my face again.

But he had the biggest grin on his face. "Cas, that's great! You still feel it?"

"Kind of." I shrugged. "It's not that important now that I think about it." 

If Dean was unhappy about it then it was likely that Sam wouldn't be either. 

Sam shook his head. "No, of course it's important. Your grace is a part of you and that means we're getting you back. Sit down, for a bit." 

I considered it, Dean had told me to go and tell Sam. 

_I came to the realisation at two in the morning._

_It had been nineteen days since Dean had told me to leave._

_I'd been trying to sleep for hours but I couldn't._

_Every time I was finally feeling my eyes starting to get heavier whilst looking at the sky I would shiver so hard that it would make me wide awake again._

_Walking around seemed like the best idea, I made a few laps of the park, stopping every now and then to sit on a bench and look at the stars but it would get too cold very quickly._

_But I realised that I didn't have a plan on what to do._

_I was just waiting around for Dean to call and tell me what I should do next._

_Had there ever been a time in my existence-no, my life, that I hadn't followed orders?_

_As an angel who served Heaven I would follow any order that was given to me. Those orders would be passed down to me but the original orders had come from Michael. He would tell Zachariah. Zachariah would tell Ishim, Ishim would tell Anna, Anna would tell me and I would tell the rest of the garrison. It was a chain of command and I wasn't very high up until Ishim was moved to a different garrison. Then Anna fell. I reported directly to Zachariah then, he told me that I was his best. His most trusted, I always did as I was told._

_But then came Dean Winchester and I started to falter, I'd do what he told me to do instead. He's call and I'd answer, he'd ask me for a favour or he'd tell me that something wasn't right and I would do whatever I could to help him with whatever the task was._

_When I started the war with Raphael I'm ashamed to say that I followed Crowley's lead for a while, as long as he didn't hurt Sam or Dean I was happy to do what he asked so we could both get our end goal. It was wrong, a demon giving orders to an angel. I knew that. But I supposed it was a comfort to have someone telling me what to do, even if I didn't know at the time. Dean would still tell me what to do, he'd tell me that he didn't care about the war with Raphael, that I should listen to him. Looking back I should of listened more carefully._

_I made the mistake of taking orders from a demon again though, Meg. Though the things that she wanted me to do weren't going to destroy the world and Heaven, she mostly just told me to protect her. She was good company despite her being a demon and me not being mentally well. I missed her._

_I listened to Dean in purgatory, listened to his prayers every night. I followed his orders so we could get out, I made the decision last minute to disobey him and stay there. Poor judgement on my part yet again. I realised that I should always listen to Dean, he was usually right when he told me what I should do. I should of trusted him more._

_Naomi gave me no choice but to obey, when she made me-_

_No._

_I didn't want to think about that._

_My chest howled as the images of Dean's corpses littered around the room flooded my brain, him knelt down in the crypt begging me to stop._

_I shook my head trying to get rid of the images._

_But my trust was broken then, I didn't want to follow orders anymore. I was foolish. Stupid. I thought that I was doing the right thing. I should of listened to Dean more. I should of kept the tablet with him and Sam. It would of avoided so much hurt. I wasn't good at not following orders. Angel's weren't created for free will. We were soldiers, through and through._

_I thought that I was still following my own orders when Metatron tricked me, but I was following his orders. I realise that now. It tore and ripped at my chest when I thought of that mistake. How had I not realised?_

_When I fell and became human I was ready to do whatever Dean told me to do._

_He told me to make my way to the bunker._

_I did as he asked._

_He told me to leave._

_I left._

_But he hadn't told me what to do next._

_I was lost. How was I supposed to know?_

_I'd never truly relied on my own judgement, whenever I'd tried it had failed._

_I needed Dean to tell me what to do._

_Should I get out of the cold? Should I eat more? Should I try and fix Heaven on my own? Should I call him and ask?_

_Maybe Dean was testing me to see what I would do._

_I would try and make him proud._

_I would try and pass the test, I would stay out of trouble._

_He would see that I could be good._

"How's it feel?" Sam asked. 

"My grace?" 

"Yeah." 

"Cold." I smiled at the table. "Just little cold whispers and flickers of it, I think it's weak." 

Sam pursed his lips. 

"I mean, it could have something to do with your soul. You still have a soul right?" 

"I think so, it's almost like my grace is trying to fight against it." I sighed. "I'm not sure, it's hard to describe. But when my soul wins that's when I can't feel my grace and I have to sleep and eat. I think thats what's happening anyway." 

Sam scrunched his eyebrows. "It sounds like it could be happening, I mean souls can't exactly be destroyed right? So your soul has gotta still be in you. But why would your grace try and eject a soul? I mean, when Jimmy was still in there did that ever happen?"

"If it did I didn't feel it." I ran a hand through my hair and yawned. "I'm sick of having to sleep." 

"Not having Dean sharing tonight?" He asked with a smirk on his face. 

"It was hardly my choice." I huffed. "But no, he's in his room." 

"Only teasing." Sam held his hands up. "Maybe it's not your grace trying to eject your soul, maybe it's the other way around? I mean your grace has been hidden for a few days now and that's why you haven't been healing. And you've been eating and sleeping and-"

"Crying." I finished for him, rolling my eyes. 

"Well yeah." He rubbed the back of his neck. "Maybe it's your soul trying to push your grace out. When I was possessed- I, well it was awful. I said yes to it and I thought it was the right thing but every cell in my body was screaming at me to get him out of me." 

"That might of just been because it was Lucifer." I sighed. "It just doesn't make any sense."

Sam patted me on the back. "Have you told Dean yet?"

I nodded. "He told me to tell you." I muttered. 

"Y'know when we spoke to Jimmy, he said that being possessed was like being tied to a comet, it didn't feel natural. Maybe his body was telling him to push you out." 

"But he never did. If he'd of changed his mind then he would of told me." I growled. 

I hated that Jimmy had suffered so much as a result of my failings. 

Sam bit his lip. "I'm not saying it to be a dick, Cas. It's just, I mean angels weren't really supposed to posses humans right? Only watch from Heaven in your true forms so it's safe to say that souls and grace aren't supposed to mix together for a long time." 

"You're making my head hurt." I complained.

Sam chuckled. "Finally my turn, it's usually you melting my brain." 

I rolled my eyes. "My grace is still weak so I'm going to go to bed. Goodnight, Sam." 

He nodded and smiled at me as I left. 

I felt my chest aching as I walked past Dean's room and into my own, my hair wasn't even dry yet but I still lay on my pillows, getting them wet.

At least my hair was clean and smelled nice. 

I closed my eyes and tried to find my grace again, every time I felt a small flicker of it it would disappear just as quickly and the hole in my chest would tear. 

Sam had given me a lot to think about though, I thought that my theory on my grace and soul fighting for dominance was absurd, but if Sam had come up with the theory too then maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was right. 

But what was I supposed to do with that information? 

Should I get rid of my soul? And even if I could, how would I go about doing it? 

If I got rid of my soul and was left with just my grace but my grace was too weak I would just be a soulless, graceless human-angel hybrid and there's no telling what kind of person I would be. 

Why wasn't Dean happy about my grace being back? 

I thought that's what he'd wanted, he wanted me to be back to my old self and my old self is an angel. 

Why was he lying to me about it? 

I turned over so that I was laying on my stomach, my face in my pillows so try and drown out my thoughts. 

As irritating as it was in the morning, falling asleep beside Dean was the best I'd slept in all of my existence. I wished I could ask him to sleep in here again but I understood that it wasn't appropriate and last night had just been because he was tired and already comfortable in my bed. It wouldn't happen again. 

And how the hole in my chest wailed when I realised that. 

I wished Dean would just tell me what to do to make him happy. 

I wasn't good at thinking for myself, he knew that better than anyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed this!  
> It would be too good of a world for Dean to be nice to Cas 24/7 right? I'm sorry ahaha, let me know how you're finding it and if you want more of something(eg, Sam and Cas bonding, Cas and Jerry bonding etc) or even less of something. This story isn't just so I can write it, it's for all of you too so I want to make sure it's enjoyable.  
> Lotta love and keep safe my dudes.  
> New chapter tomorrow, if you comment I'll reply to your comment when the next chapter is up so you don't have to keep checking.  
> :)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, thank you all for the the lovely comments!  
> hope you enjoy this chapter, new chapter up soon :)

**Castiel's POV**

I was feeling my grace more and more with each day that passed now, every time I would have a bad day it would falter and hide for a while but overall I could feel it most of the time. I was fully healed from my last 'episode', Jerry and I were spending most of our spare time at the soup kitchen now. Dean had barely spoken to me since I felt my grace again so I thought it would be best to avoid him so I wouldn't upset him too much. I only needed sleep every two days now, my grace was finally getting somewhat better. 

Soon I'd be able to start a plan for fixing Heaven and hopefully getting forgiveness from my brothers and sisters, I highly doubted that the latter would happen but it was worth a try. That's what Sam always says.

It's worth a try. 

It was Friday night, I'd just gotten back from the soup kitchen.

I'd not seen Sam or Dean since Wednesday evening and I was optimistic on Dean's mood towards me. I heard them as soon as I entered the bunker, even though they were in the kitchen. My grace was truly getting better. 

"No." Dean growled. "I'm not leaving Cas here, remember last time we did that?" 

I felt a pit in my stomach, making me stop in my tracks. If they were going to talk about that I might go back out for a while, watch the stars some more. 

Sam sighed. "He's doing fine. Honestly, if you're that worried we can ask Jerry to stay here whilst we're away but you can tell Cas that you're the one who wants that, he hates having a baby sitter." 

My jaw set at the thought of Dean not trusting me to be alone for a few days on my own. I spent months and months alone and human I could handle a few days alone as an angel. 

His lack of faith made the hole in my chest scratch at itself. 

"He freaking needs one." Dean huffed.

The hole in my chest twisted at his words, I clenched my fists until it went back to normal and then carried on my way to the kitchen.

"He's coming with us." 

"Look, it's a milk run. Barely even worth us both going but it's not like you'll let me go alone." Sam tried reasoning with Dean. 

"It could go sideways, Sam. They always go sideways." 

"Right, exactly. But me and you can handle it. Cas is hanging around with Jerry this weekend walking the dogs. You'd know that if you actually spoke to him." 

Dean scoffed. "Whatever. We can give the case to someone else."

"It's literally an hours drive away, Dean. No other hunter is as close as we are. You've been inside the bunker for almost a week without leaving. Most of that's been in your room. You gotta get out." 

"Alright, Dr Phil. But Cas is coming with us." 

I'd prove to him I didn't need a babysitter, I would be exactly how they left me when they would arrive back at the bunker after the case. 

I could even stay sat in the same position for a couple of days to really prove my point but that would probably irritate Dean more. 

I arrived in the kitchen then. "I'm busy this weekend. I'm fine with Jerry staying here." 

"You been listening in on us?" Dean frowned. 

I shook my head. "No, I could just hear you." 

Dean rolled his eyes. "It's a milk run, we'd be back by Sunday. Surely you can hang out with Jerry after." 

"But I'm busy tomorrow and on Sunday. I promised Jerry I'd help him on both days." 

"No." Dean crossed his arms and looked me up and down. "I don't want you here alone." 

"I'll be fine, I have my grace back now and I can have Jerry here or I can stay with Jerry." I nodded, I hated that he thought that I shouldn't be trusted but maybe this was the way to prove him wrong. This way he would realise that I was fine. 

"Have Jerry here so Dean doesn't have an stress induced heart attack." Sam chuckled. 

Dean glowered at Sam. 

"You won't be laughing when it goes just like last freaking time we left him." Dean stormed out of the kitchen.

The hole in my chest poured out shame and guilt. 

I closed my mouth tight so I wouldn't make a noise like it wanted me to. 

"Why's he so angry at me?" I managed to ask Sam, looking my now unblemished hands. 

Sam shrugged. "He's just being a dick, don't take it personally."

"He doesn't trust me." 

"It's only been a week." Sam sighed. "Look, I know you'll be okay. And if you're not okay you've got Jerry and we'll only be an hour away." 

"But he won't even speak to me anymore. I don't know what I did." I felt myself pouting. 

Sam ran a hand through his hair. "He's just angry and taking it out on you. I've tried telling him to quit it but you know what he's like." 

I nodded. 

"We'll be back for Sunday night, we could meet you and Jerry at the diner and exchange fun stories." Sam grinned.

"I'll make sure to not eat until then so I can have a burger with you."

"Have fun with Zoey. Give her extra treats for me." Sam patted my shoulder before he left the kitchen. 

I smiled back but it fell as soon as Sam was gone. 

I felt the hole in my chest ache. 

Sleeping would probably help. It had been three days since I'd slept so I knew I'd be able to sleep for a full night, my eyes were already getting heavy at just thinking about going to bed. Sleeping would give the hole in my chest time to calm down. 

I hurried into my room and got changed before sinking into my bed, Dean was right. It was comfier with the yellow sheets. I liked how with the door still slightly open some light came into my room and I could see the outline of most things in my room, I could see my yellow sheets and the photos on my desk. I sighed at seeing the photo of Dean messing around in the kitchen. I just wanted a day like that with him again. I hated it when he wouldn't speak to me. 

I squeezed my eyes shut and turned so I was lay on my stomach instead. If the aching in my chest got any worse it would be impossible to sleep and it wasn't like I could ask Dean to sit and stare at the walls with me. 

* * *

I woke up with a scream that I instantly covered with my hand. 

I wished that I would stop having the same nightmare, I thought I'd be used to it by now as it happened so frequently but each time it happened I was just as affected as the first time.

I gasped on air, checking my phone. 

Four in the morning. 

_It was four in the morning and I still wasn't asleep._

_I'd had terrible nightmares all week and I was terrified to sleep again._

_I hated the feeling of waking up and it being cold, dark and wet in the park._

_It was almost worse than the dreams I was having._

_I felt my eyes getting heavy, I was too tired to fight sleep any longer._

**_I was suddenly in the forest that Metatron had thrown me down to, it was cold and I felt the wind going through me. But I was stuck on the floor, I could taste the dirt and the blood in my mouth._ **

**_I coughed as I tried to push myself up, my entire body aching._ **

**_I yelled out, just in case someone could hear me. Metatron might change his mind._ **

**_Maybe it was a mistake?_ **

**_Maybe he didn't mean to cast me out._ **

**_Maybe Dean wouldn't be angry if he knew it was a mistake and I didn't mean to do this._ **

**_As soon as I thought of Dean he was there, he was in front of me and he was angry, he was screaming about everything I'd ever done wrong._ **

**_"Are you gonna clean up your damn mess, Cas?" He kept shouting over and over as he got closer, his face close to mine._ **

**_I wanted to fly away so badly, Dean being this angry hurt. I wanted to tell him I made a mistake but he wouldn't care._ **

**_Nobody cares that you're broken, Cas. Clean up your mess._ **

**_Dean's words echoed in my head, bouncing around. Each time I heard it, it stung more._ **

**_I heard myself start to cry and Dean started laughing, he didn't even have pity in his eyes._ **

**_Just anger and disgust._ **

**_That was until suddenly Sam was at Dean's feet. He was passed out._ **

**_"Fix him. Now." Dean's teeth were pressed tightly together, his eyes hard._ **

**_I couldn't speak. I couldn't move._ **

**_Dean could hurt me now if he wanted to and I wouldn't blame him if he did want to._ **

**_Dean shouted my name over and over getting angrier as he did. He grabbed me roughly and threw me infront of Sam on my knees._ **

**_"Nobody cares that you're broken Cas!" He screamed in my ear. "Cl-"_ **

**_"Clean up my mess." I muttered, staring at Sam passed in front of me._ **

**_"Fix my damn brother." Dean hissed, shoving my shoulder again._ **

**_I tried. I felt the hot tears in my eyes as I tried but it only made Sam worse. He was coughing up blood and gasping for air now._ **

**_Dean got angrier and angrier, telling me how worthless I was and pathetic._ **

**_I couldn't take it._ **

**_"Dean." I tried to get him to let go of my shoulder but I wasn't strong enough. Dean was stronger now._ **

**_"Metatron lied." I tried to explain._ **

**_Dean's fist connected with my cheek._ **

**_"_ ** **_You think I give a shit for your sob story? Oh no I'm just a stupid broken angel who fucked up and got people killed. AGAIN. Please forgive me, Dean." Dean sneered._ **

**_"I-I'm sorry." I gasped out._ **

**_He was right._ **

**_"You want my forgiveness?" Dean pressed his hand harder into my shoulder, I felt something pop._ **

**_I nodded. I would deal with the pain as long as we would be okay. "Please."_ **

**_Dean hit me again._ **

**_And again._ **

**_Telling me how much he hated me between each punch._ **

_I woke up screaming for him to stop._

_It was then I realised that I wasn't in the forest, Sam was okay. He wasn't here. Dean hadn't hit me or told me any of those things._

_I pulled my phone out._

_Six in the morning._

_I wanted to call Dean and tell him about my dream, ask him if he thought those things._

_But I couldn't bring myself to do it._

_Dean didn't have time to help a stupid broken angel._

_And maybe he'd say yes._

I knew Dean wasn't angry at me for the angels falling. 

But he was still angry at me. 

Was he angry enough to make the nightmare come true? 

I shoved my yellow sheets off me and walked out of my room, walking past Dean's room on my way to the kitchen. 

His door was wide open and he wasn't there. 

I shrugged it off, maybe they'd already gone on the hunt whilst I was asleep. 

I found the note in the kitchen. 

**Cas,**

**We'll be back by Sunday. Invite Jerry over ~~if you want.~~**

**We're in Concordia, only an hour away.**

**Call if you need anything.**

**Sam**

I tried not to let it bother me that Dean had crossed out the 'if you want', but at least he cared enough to want me to be okay.

I think. 

I'd asked Jerry about why he thought Dean would be angry but he didn't know either but that started him into a monologue on how Dean is a dick and I didn't really care to listen to that. 

Dean wasn't calling me to let me know what they were doing either, Sam text me four times. 

**Sam: At the motel**

**Sam: Found the werewolves**

**Sam: Killed the werewolves**

**Sam: Meet you at the diner in an hour?**

I dropped Jerry back off at his motel room and made my way to the diner, guaranteed if Dean was still in his mood with me then Jerry would say something and I didn't have the energy to have an argument. I hadn't eaten and I hadn't slept since my nightmare, maybe my grace wasn't as strong as I thought it was yet.

I waved at them when I saw them coming into the diner. 

Sam grinned and waved back on his way over but Dean didn't smile. 

He stared me up and down, narrowing his eyes and pursing his lips. 

I felt anger rising up.

"Your babysitter took great care of me." I snapped. 

Dean rolled his eyes and sat down, his arms crossed and a scowl on his face. 

I matched his scowl with one of my own. 

Sam sighed and ordered our usual orders. 

"How was your weekend, Cas?"

"Really good." I glared at Dean. It wasn't _really_ good, but if he thought that then maybe he'd actually trust me.

"Jerry and I walked Zoey, Zar and two pugs around the park, then we went back to his motel and watched the wizard of Oz, then we went to the OZ museum today. I was interested after you telling me about your friend going there and Jerry had never been either. It seemed appropriate after watching the movie."

"That's three hours away." Dean huffed. 

"So?" 

He shrugged. 

"See anything exciting there?" Sam rolled his eyes at Dean. 

I nodded. "It was interesting seeing everything that had actually been in the movie we watched. It's strange comparing the quality of the movie to the one that we watched about the aliens, Sam." 

Sam chuckled. "Yeah, movies have come a long way." He thanked the waitress for bringing our food. 

"How was the case?" I asked before I could get distracted by the taste of the food, it always seemed to distract my train of thought by how amazing it always tasted and smelled. 

Sam grinned. "It was a walk in the park, right Dean?"

"Right." Dean grumbled, looking back at his food and pulling a face. "Could of used an extra pair of hands but you were watching movies and going to a museum." 

"Nice, Dean." Sam huffed. "Mature." 

I allowed myself to get distracted by the food then, the hole in my chest needed to be quiet and Dean seemed to be spurring it on. Sam could tell me more about the case when we got back to the bunker when Dean would be allowed to ignore me again. 

Dean locked himself in his room when we got back to the bunker. 

Sam told me to ignore him. 

I tried for a while. I locked myself in my room too but Sam walked past and opened the door a few inches. 

As much as he said that he trusted me he clearly didn't. 

I sighed and lay staring at my ceiling. 

It struck me that I was being fairly useless here, I had been having fun all weekend with Jerry and hadn't helped anyone. 

I didn't help Sam and Dean on their case. I didn't help any of the people sleeping outside. 

Dean was right to be upset with me. 

I left a note for Sam telling him I would be back in a few hours and left it on my bed before leaving. 

It felt good to be carrying plastic carrier bags around Lebanon as the sun went down, I felt nostalgic. It had been a few weeks since I had done this. All my time had been split between Sam and Dean, Jerry, the soup kitchen and the hole in my chest. This I could do alone and I would be helping. 

Sundays are the days that the soup kitchen isn't open anyway. 

I met four different people who slept outside before my eyes started to get heavy. 

The first was a man in his late fifties and he was very wary of me, he tried to give me the bag back so many times until I just left the bag at the end of the alleyway and left. He would end up taking it I was sure.

The second was a woman with a beautiful dog, I still had some dog treats in my pockets from my dog walk with Jerry so I made sure to give the dog the treats and stroke him whilst the woman started to eat the food I'd brought her.

The third was a very young man, he was probably a teenager. I remembered what had happened to Sam so I gave him enough money for a motel and told him to come to the soup kitchen tomorrow so we could talk to him, hopefully he was like Sam and still had a home.

The last one was a man who seemed to be Sam and Dean's age, he was very sick, he was asleep and leaning against the bus shelter. I put my fingers to his forehead gently, healing each of his ailments as I found them. He had the rattling cough, a broken ankle, an infection in a cut on his face, he had a brain tumour, he needed a dentist too as there were multiple infections in his mouth. I felt terrible that he was in so much pain and he was sleeping outside. 

I felt my grace protest afterwards and I stumbled, my eyes almost shutting. 

Sam and Dean would be angry with me if I didn't come back on time. They'd be more angry if when they checked my location they'd find me in an alleyway asleep beside a man who sleeps outside. 

I called Sam. 

"Cas what are you calling me for?" Sam answered. 

"Please can you come and get me?" I yawned, trying to keep hold of the wall. 

"I thought you were in your room." 

"I left a note." I tried to strain my eyes so they'd stay open. 

Sam sighed. "Where are you?" 

"I'm in town, near the bakery that Dean likes." I stumbled my way out of the alleyway so he'd be able to see me. 

"Are you hurt or something?"

"No- I. I think I'm tired. Please don't tell Dean." 

"Don't tell-" Sam sighed and clicked his tongue. "Yeah, stay there. I'll be about fifteen minutes." 

"Thank you Sam." I hung up and tried not to lean on the wall, that would lead to sleep. 

After what felt like hours Sam finally arrived in the impala. 

"You don't look so hot." Sam chuckled. 

I groaned as I sat down, leaning my head back on the seat. 

"I just want to go to bed." I yawned. 

"Try not to fall asleep in here, I think Dean would notice something's up if I was carrying you down the stairs." 

I attempted to laugh but my eyes were drooping. 

Sam put on the loudest music he could find and kept the windows down so the wind was blowing in our faces as we drove back to the bunker. 

Finally we got back, I thanked Sam for coming to get me but it probably came out unintelligible. 

I didn't bother with pjs, I just stripped down to my boxers and collapsed on the bed. 

Worrying about having nightmares again seemed stupid as I was so tired I doubted that I would even dream but of course I woke up screaming, but something was different.

Dean was here. 

I flinched back, maybe it was my dream carrying on into reality. Warping. Would he hit me just like the dream, say those awful words? 

I covered my ears and closed my eyes, getting ready for him to hit me. 

I thought that I was still dreaming. 

"Hey!" Dean shouted, trying to pull my arms away from my head. "Dammit Cas, you were dreaming dumbass!" 

I opened my eyes and looked to Dean. 

He didn't look half as angry as he did in my dreams, he looked tired. His eyes were bloodshot and he was just wearing his boxers, sat on the edge of my bed. 

"Oh." I slowly moved my arms back to my sides. "I'm sorry, did I wake you?"

"Surprised Sammy didn't wake up with you hollering like that." Dean chuckled. "It's fine, go back to sleep." He sighed. 

"What if I have the dream again?" I could hear my heartbeat trying to return back to a normal pace. 

I tried to make it seem like I wasn't struggling to breath. 

I felt the overwhelming urge to just wrap my arms around Dean, but I stopped myself. He still did look a little angry. 

"Then you wake up and go back to sleep. It's only a dream. Not real." He huffed. 

I was glad I didn't hug him like I'd wanted to, I could control my own heartbeat and breathing. 

He didn't need to help me. 

I broke our eye contact, that's when I noticed a cut across his shoulder. A werewolf claw mark. 

"You're hurt?" I held my hand up to ask if he wanted healing. 

"Told you we coulda used you on the case." He smiled but it wasn't his usual kind smile, it was angry. 

I pressed my lips into a thin line, maybe he was angry because he was hurt. 

Dean let his eyes close when I pressed my hand to his cheek but nothing happened. I couldn't feel my grace in my hand. 

It was definitely here. But I couldn't transfer it to Dean to heal him. 

I moved my hand and tried again, scrunching my eyebrows.

Dean opened his eyes and searched my face for what was happening. 

I couldn't heal him. 

I couldn't help Dean. 

_Tanya wouldn't stop crying._

_Nora hadn't said anything was wrong, she said that Tanya would sleep the entire time that I was here._

_But then she started to cry, I knew that babies did just tend to cry sometimes so I didn't let it concern me, she was probably just confused as to why I was here and not her mother._

_The lullaby seemed to help but as soon as I tried to let go of her again she started to cry again._

_Maybe she just wanted some comfort._

_I could understand that._

_"I know." I rocked her in my arms, trying to calm her down. I doubted my singing would work twice._

_I sighed, maybe me telling her that I understood would help._

_Would she even understand me if she couldn't speak yet? Dogs can understand humans in small capacities and they couldn't talk. Maybe._

_"Nobody told you, nobody explained. you're just shoved out kicking and screaming into this human life" I sat down and adjusted her on my leg, wrapping the blanket around her. She carried on with her disgruntled noises but at least she wasn't crying._

_"Without any idea why it feels the way it feels." Tanya was gurgling now, sitting up and tapping on my leg, a curious look on her face. Almost content._

_It was working._

_I was helping her._

_"Or why this confusion which feels like its a hairsbreadth from...terror or- pain." I gulped as I felt the hole in my chest ache whether it was in agreement or not I didn't know._

_Maybe I shouldn't be telling such a young child these things._

_But who else would tell her?_

_No one had ever told me what it would be like, I didn't want her to have to figure it out._

_"Y'know just when you think you do understand it'll turn out you're wrong, you didn't understand anything at all." I looked to her to see if she was understanding._

_It was unclear but she looked content, sat with me in this chair, wrapped in her blanket._

_Maybe she did just need a little bit of attention and comfort._

_"Guess that's just how it is when you're new at this." I sighed._

_"Y'know, it wasn't that long ago when all I'd need to do to ease your pain was just t-touch you ." I shakily laid two fingers to her forehead, I used to be able to tell what was wrong by doing that too, in that touch I would identify any problems with her and also heal those problems, no matter how minor._

_The hole in my chest wailed._

_But then I realised how warm she was._

_I was sure neither Sam or Dean had ever been this warm when I'd heal them._

_"You're very warm." I sighed._

_Maybe as a human I'd begun to feel heat differently._

_Is that normal?" I wondered out loud as I stroked my hand over her head, she was just as warm there as she was on her forehead._

_I cursed myself for not being able to know._

_This child, Tanya was potentially in pain and there was nothing I could do because I'd been stupid and trusted Metatron and broken Heaven._

_I felt so helpless, tears pricked in my eyes._

_I felt my heartbeat speeding up in time with how quickly the hole in my chest was aching and wailing. I couldn't think about that right now, my concern was Tanya._

_I would help her._

_But how?_

"Out of juice?" Dean smirked. 

I tried again and huffed when it still didn't work. 

"My grace is still here but-"

"You're sleeping again, maybe it's that." He said quietly.

"I suppose I'm just tired. I'll heal you as soon as I'm able." I promised. 

Dean shook his head. "Don't sweat it, Cas. Rest up, need to get back to being an angel right?" 

I nodded. "I'd still like to help." 

"Go to sleep." He patted my leg as he stood up. 

"Goodnight Dean." I lay back down and watched him leave my room, leaving the door wide open. 

Getting back to sleep was difficult, my eyes were still just as heavy as before I went to sleep the first time but now I didn't even have the strength to heal a cut on Dean's shoulder?

I was just settling back down when I heard Sam walking past my room. 

That must mean it was almost seven in the morning. 

I would start my day late. 

My only task for the day was to help at the soup kitchen and that wasn't until six in the afternoon.

I needed to rest so that I could heal Dean's shoulder. 

Maybe then he would stop being so upset with me. 

I wish I knew what I'd done. 

* * *

Sam and Dean were both in the library when I finally woke up again. 

I still felt tired but I'd been lay in bed for too long, sleep wasn't coming anymore and I felt that if I tried to force it then I would have another nightmare. 

It was embarrassing enough that Dean had been woken up to me screaming. 

I'd broken Heaven, I didn't deserve to have nightmares about it. 

"He finally awakes." Sam grinned. "How long is that? 14 hours?"

"It's four in the afternoon?" I rubbed my eyes.

Sam chuckled. "You look like you could use a few more hours too. Good sleep?" 

Dean's eyes flashed to mine. 

I dropped the eye contact quickly. 

"Fine thank you. Maybe later." I mumbled. "I need to go and get Jerry." 

"I made the sandwiches." Dean mumbled. "They're in your car." 

"Thank you." I felt myself smile. 

Maybe I'd misjudged him being angry. 

I changed my mind on that when I came back to the bunker from the soup kitchen. 

Dean was clearly very upset with me. 

He was finding any reason to make a snide comment and usually they weren't under his breath. He'd just say whatever it was that he wanted to. 

I tried to ignore it like Sam said but eventually I just went to my room, they seemed to be getting worse and I didn't want a replay of my nightmares. 

After a few hours he walked past my door to get to his room. 

"What are you staring at?" He muttered. 

I huffed and turned over in my bed, glaring at the wall. 

If he just told me what it was I might be able to fix it. 

I didn't realise he'd come into my room until I heard the door shutting.

"Did you come in here to yell at me some more? Get it over with." I turned and scowled at him. 

"No actually I didn't. I came in here to see if you could heal me yet, that's what you do right?" He glared right back. 

"I don't think it'll work." I felt around for my grace, it was faint. I could try. 

"Fine. Bye." He turned to leave. 

I didn't want him to go, I needed to fix this. 

Whatever it was that had broken it was hurting and if it was hurting me it might be hurting him too. 

"Dean, wait." 

"What?" He snapped. "You can't heal me so what do you want?" 

"I want to know what's wrong with you." 

"I'm fine. Will you and Sam stop asking me? I'm fine." He grit his teeth. 

"You don't look fine." I argued. 

"Whatever, Cas. Just rest up." Dean huffed. 

"No." I stood up and walked over to him, standing in his way to getting out. 

His jaw set and his nostrils flared. 

"You've been saying to me for months that I'm not right and I need to talk about it and you'll listen to whatever it is. But you can't say that and then have something upsetting you and not tell me either." 

Dean rolled his eyes. "Last I checked you're still messed up, Cas. And you've not told me shit about it. There's a boat load of crap you're keeping to yourself, the one thing I know for sure that's upset you I had freaking Sam telling me, I thought it was supposed to be me and you with the 'profound bond'. So don't give me that crap." 

I sighed. "You can talk to me about it, whatever it is." 

"Yeah, you first. Just leave me alone, Cas." Dean shoved past me and walked down the hall to his bedroom, slamming his door. 

I flinched at the sound.

I stood in the same spot for a few minutes before getting back into bed. 

The hole in my chest throbbed in time with my heartbeat. 

Dean wasn't going to make me leave, he wouldn't tell me to go but it was pretty clear that he wanted me gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, so how was it?   
> dean is being a major dick again but cas is starting to notice that he might have his reasons?   
> cas is making progress at least, he's not scared to challenge dean and argue with him as much anymore, kind of.   
> new chapter will be up by tomorrow, if not tonight. depends if i get tired in the next couple of hours ahahah.  
> i've heard in a few comments that you would want to know other characters POVs for parts of this fic and of course I'd be up for writing that, just wanna know who would be interested in me making a new fic dedicated to different POVs and who's POVs you want and for which parts, I would put it in a different fic so this could stay as strictly Cas' story of course.   
> lotta love and stay safe, new chapter soon :)


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey  
> thank you for your comments guys  
> i'm so happy you're all enjoying it  
> lotta love

**Castiel's POVs**

I'd been staying with Jerry at his motel for a week now.

It was nice to spend so much time with him but at the same time, I missed my bedroom. 

I missed having coffee with Dean in the morning. I missed translating books with Sam in the afternoons. I missed the water pressure of the showers there. 

Jerry was glad to have me though, the first few days were all okay. 

We were walking the dogs from his work, watching the stars at night until it got too cold.

The fourth day I had a good day. 

We spent most of our day at thrift shops and then later at the soup kitchen. 

Now it was the seventh day and it looked like it would be my third bad day in a row. 

I sighed into the couch cushions, hearing Jerry coming back from work. 

At least it wasn't a really bad day. 

And at least it wasn't an episode again. I'd feel terrible if I had one of those whilst I stayed with Jerry, but after two weeks I doubted it would happen again.

I mostly ignored the aching in my chest and my desire to go back to the bunker. 

"Have you not moved?" Jerry asked. 

"No." I grumbled. 

"Sup with you?" 

I shrugged. 

"I brought Sam here, he's worried." 

"I'm fine, Sam." I muttered into the cushion angrily. 

Sam would try and make me go back with him and Dean didn't want me there so what was the point?

At least here Jerry wanted me here. 

All Dean thinks of me is an angel who can heal him when he gets hurt, when I was having a bad day I was useless to him. 

I heard some shuffling around. "I'll go pick up some food." Jerry left. 

"I'm fine, Sam." I repeated, feeling him staring at me. 

"Jerry says you haven't moved in days." 

"So? I don't need to move." I reminded him. 

"He said you haven't even been to the soup kitchen." Sam huffed. "And I'm pretty sure you should be eating something." 

"Jerry's still been going. He's better at talking to people anyway." I swallowed the bile that was rising in my throat at the mention of food. 

"You coming home with me?" Sam asked but it really didn't sound like I had the option of refusal, even if he pretended I did. 

"No." I huffed. 

"Why not?" 

I shrugged and turned to look at him. 

He looked slightly angry but his face changed when we made eye contact, was that pity? 

Did I look that terrible?

The hole in my chest ripped around the edges as the image of my dim human eyes flashed in my head. 

"I'm taking you home, Cas. You can lie in bed for days there if you want but you'll be home at least." Sam sighed. 

I put my head back into the cushions, hiding the tears that threatened to fall. 

Sam sighed. "You hungry? Jerry's gone getting food." 

"I'm not deaf." I muttered. 

Maybe if I was rude to him he wouldn't want to take me back to the bunker after all. 

It was worth a try. 

Sam sighed again, sitting on the other end of the sofa, his thigh brushing against my feet. 

I ignored him. 

I ignored him whilst we were eating too. 

Jerry tried to hold the conversation but I ruined it by scowling at the table and refusing to join in. 

I should feel bad about it but I felt bad about everything else anyway so it was hard to tell if I did feel bad about this or not. 

"I just remembered I brought some beer. One sec." Sam nodded at Jerry and left the motel room. 

"Cas-" Jerry started. 

"Are you kicking me out?" I asked. "Clearly you and Sam planned this." 

I forced myself to feel the anger instead of the scratching at my chest.

"No." He glared. "You know I wouldn't. But Sam's got a point, you've got a home to go to, him and Dean want you there." 

"Dean doesn't." I bit at the inside of m cheeks.

"Dean's a dick. We've established this many times." Jerry laughed. "But that guy cares about you an awful lot, he wants you there even if he isn't showing it. Sam does too, he's been begging me to come and see you for days." 

I sighed. 

"I know it's easier to just hide from the world when you're down but believe me, Cas. You don't wanna be in the same position as last year. Anything's better than that right?"

_Scratch. Ache. Scratch. Ache._

"I've got my grace back."

I didn't know if I was telling him that or myself.

If it was the latter it didn't work.

"It hides after a bad day and pretty much vanishes after an episode. You need a home and you've got one. Take your chance, put your big boy pants on and go home. Sort things out with Dean. Let Sam leave me alone for five minutes." He chuckled and then sighed when I didn't look away from the table.

I hated that Jerry knew the details of my grace. 

He knew that my grace was pretty much non existent right now, he knew that it would hit closer to home talking about when I was human. 

But he was right. 

The hole in my chest wailed at the mere mention of last year. 

"What-What if I get there and he doesn't want me back again?" I finally looked up, of course Sam decided to walk in at that moment. 

"Then you come back here and Sam beats him up." Jerry grinned. 

"I second that." Sam patted my shoulder and passed me a beer. "So what are we saying, Cas? A beer with Jerry and we get you home?" 

"I guess so." I huffed and sipped my beer as slowly as I could. 

Sam grinned and tapped his beer against Jerry's. 

He made me get into the impala instead of driving my car to the bunker, saying something about global warming and me being a light weight so of course I couldn't drive after having one beer. 

Lying. 

I rolled my eyes but did as he asked. 

"Y'know you could of left a note or something. Or at least text me. I was worried, man." 

"I'm sorry." I sighed. 

Sam looked back to the road as he drove. "Why didn't you just talk to me about it? I didn't think you were that upset?" 

I shrugged. 

"Cas." Sam sighed. 

"I just- Dean didn't want me in the bunker but he knew you'd be mad if he told me to leave so I made it easier and just left." 

"Did Dean tell you that?" 

I stared straight ahead. 

"Cas, did he actually say that or is that what you're thinking?"

"Might as well of said it." I muttered. 

"The way he's been acting whilst you've not been here...it's not really what I'd call being happy you were gone. Let's put it that way." Sam's lips thinned, he kept turning to me to see if I was listening. 

"But if he wanted me to stay then why-"

Why was he so angry with me? 

Why was he saying mean things to me all the time?

Why was he ignoring me? 

Why wasn't he happy when I started to feel my grace again?

Why did he just let me leave?

"I've been asking him that for a week, man. He isn't talking about it. Believe me I tried to figure him out." 

"I can't figure him out either." I yawned. 

Sam chuckled. "You've got a better chance than I do for once, if he starts being a dick you need to give it back, Cas. You used to give as good as you got. I remember getting sassed by you non stop when we first met." He laughed. 

"I doubt that." I mumbled as we pulled in near the bunker, Sam didn't bother to go to the garage. 

I furrowed my eyebrows as I stepped out of the car. 

Sam was right, I would of never let anyone speak to me in that way a few years ago. 

I remember Dean was rude to me once and I threatened to throw him back into Hell. 

I swallowed. 

I hadn't done anything wrong to deserve him being rude to me. That was the difference. I had hurt, killed and broken now, hurt Dean. I did deserve it. That's why I wouldn't argue his insults. 

"Where's Dean?" I asked as we walked into the bunker.

"He's probably still in his room." 

Good. 

I wanted to see my room, I'd missed it terribly. 

"I'm going to bed." 

"But-" Sam started.

"You said I was allowed to stay in my room." I argued. 

"At least leave the door open a bit." Sam ran a hand over his face.

"It's been two weeks." I protested, anger rising up through my body. 

"Please?" He gave me the 'puppy eyes' as Dean called them.

"Fine." I grit my teeth and went to my room. Leaving the door open a quarter of an inch. 

I gasped when I turned my light on. 

It was so different. 

The first thing I noticed was how the sheets had been changed from my yellow ones to the green ones, a very dark green but in contrast to that there was a fluffy blanket folded at the bottom of the bed. I went to pick it up, it might be the softest thing I'd ever felt other than angel feathers. It fell out of my hands when I noticed that the shelf above my bed was now full of books and a box. The books were all of Sam and Dean's favourites as well as some 'classics' that I'd never read. 

What really caught my eye was the new photo frame in the middle of the shelf. 

I recognised the photo, it was black and white and years old. 

Me, Sam, Dean, Bobby, Jo and Ellen all posing for what we thought would be the last photo we'd ever take. 

It almost was. 

I ran my hand over the frame, wishing that we were all still alive. 

We thought our lives were as messed up as they'd ever get then, hunting Lucifer. 

But now-

I shook my head and put the frame back down gently. 

Then I stood back and saw the wall above my bed, it had weapons mounted onto it.

A shotgun, a hand gun, a silver blade, a golden blade and an empty slot. 

I let my angel blade fall and reached up to see if it would fit. 

It did. 

I felt tears welling up in my eyes and blinked them away. 

I sat on the bed and that's when I noticed that there was a TV on the other side of the room, set up so I could see it from the bed. Underneath the TV were a large collection of DVDs and box sets. 

I scrunched my eyebrows at seeing something in the reflection, across the room at my desk was an old fashioned record player, a few vinyls stacked beside it. I flicked through them. 

_Led Zeppelin. AC/DC. Elvis. David Bowie. Bob Marley. Black Sabbath. Metallica. Johnny Cash. Fleetwood Mac. Pearl Jam. Jimi Hendrix. The Beatles. The rolling stones. Motorhead. Def Leppard._

Most of them I hadn't heard of but I recognised the covers from Dean's t-shirts. 

I was very confused as to why my room had changed so much, I was about to go and ask Sam but then I noticed the other new frames. 

There were four on each wall. 

One of each kind of photos that I took. 

The first kind were photos of people, then there was the nature photos that I'd taken like the waterfalls and trees. The next were animals and insects. And finally the last part was random objects, I felt myself smiling when I saw a photo of the impala and then my golden car on the opposite wall. 

I looked around again, I was pretty sure I hadn't missed anything now. 

My stomach felt like it was doing flips and I felt like I couldn't keep still. I'd never felt like this before, I couldn't tell if it was a good feeling or not, but my mouth wouldn't stop forming a smile but at the same time I had tears in my eyes. But my chest wasn't aching as much anymore. 

Had Sam done this? Is this why he wanted me to come back? 

But Sam didn't know where I kept my envelope with my photos. 

Dean did. Dean knew they were always in the drawer of my desk. 

So that would mean that Dean did all of this-

I heard a knock on my door.

I turned and saw him stood there.

"Dean." I felt my smile falter, just in case it wasn't him who did this and he was still angry and Sam was wrong, he did want me gone. 

He didn't look angry.

He looked strange though.

"Cas." He smiled and pulled out a bottle of whiskey from behind his back, shaking it in a question I recognised well from him. 

_'I'm sorry, let's drink?'_

"Did you do all this?" I asked as he stepped into my room and shut the door. 

"Well I-uh. Kinda, yeah." Dean's cheeks turned pink. "I mean- I know it's your space and I-I kinda invaded it but I just kinda thought-" He sighed. "I can put it back to normal if you want." 

I shook my head. "Thank you." 

Dean's eyes locked with mine. "You like it?"

I nodded, the smile coming back. 

He smiled back and I felt a lump in my throat. 

"I'm sorry I left." I blurted out before I could think it through too much. 

There was a faint scratching on my chest in protest. 

Dean ran a hand through his hair. "Yeah, uh-I shouldn't of pushed you out. I'm sorry, Cas." 

I went to sit on my bed and he followed suit. 

Taking our usual places. Shoulder to shoulder. 

"Did Sam come and get you?" He asked after a few minutes of silence. 

I nodded. "Him and Jerry 'tag teamed' me." I used the air quotes he'd taught me. 

Dean chuckled. "I think I was driving Sam insane while you were gone. I think he figured out that you kinda keep the peace around here." 

I sighed. "I think I was annoying Jerry too." 

"You didn't have-" He didn't finish the question but his eyes travelled down to look at my hands. 

"No, just bad." 

Dean let out a breath and nodded, he opened the whiskey and took a swig from the bottle before passing it to me. 

"I really missed being here. I didn't want to leave." I told him after my fifth mouthful.

Dean sighed and had another couple of drinks from the bottle. "I didn't want you to go, Cas. If I ever make you feel like you gotta go just straight up punch me in the damn face." He slurred. 

I felt my face smiling lazily. "I couldn't do that." 

Dean chuckled. "What if I really deserved it?"

"I don't think so." I laughed, shaking my head as I took another mouthful of whiskey.

"Cas, are you drunk?" He poked my shoulder after my ninth drink from the bottle. 

I heard myself laughing at his question before having another drink, soothing the aching in my chest. 

After I'd lost count of how many drinks we'd both had from the bottle Dean held his hand out. 

I gripped it tight. 

"Glad you're home, Cas." Dean sighed and finished the last of the bottle. 

"Me too." I felt my eyes drooping as the alcohol did it's work on making everything hurt just a little less. 

As usual being drunk made my nightmares worse, instead of having one at a time it was almost like my brain had made a mix tape of all of my biggest mistakes and was playing them all at once, layered over each other. No matter where I looked, I would see something that made me want to scream out. 

_Balthazar._

_Leviathans._

_Lying to Sam, Dean and Bobby._

_Naomi and her drill._

_The crypt._

_The monsters in purgatory._

_Dean being so angry when I lost my mind._

_Seeing Sam's visions of Lucifer._

_All of my brothers and sisters dead at my feet._

_The angels falling from Heaven._

_Metatron holding me down and slicing open my neck, extracting my grace._

_The man in the alley way throwing me against the wall after giving me the drugs._

_Lying to Nora._

_Putting Tanya in danger by just existing._

I saw all of the terrible memories whilst feeling the cold and the wet of the park that I'd slept in. I heard and felt myself shivering, feeling the cardboard getting frost on it underneath me. 

The strange world of awful memories started shaking then, was it my shivering? 

No, I couldn't be shivering this violently. 

My eyes snapped open, Dean was knelt beside me shaking my shoulders. 

My bedroom light was still on but Dean's hair was sticking up in odd places. 

"Dean?" I rubbed my eyes, they were wet. 

"I think we fell asleep." He let go of my shoulders. "You okay?" 

I nodded. "A bad dream." 

My head started pounding then, my light was too bright and I was sure I could feel my stomach churning. 

"Wanna talk about it?" Dean rubbed his temples.

"No." I huffed. "I wanna go back to sleep." 

My teeth were chattering, it was usually warm in the bunker, maybe my dream was still having the effect on my body. It was so cold in my dream. 

I found my covers which had been kicked to the end of the bed and pulled them over me as well as the extremely fluffy blanket. 

"Okay, I'll uh, I'll be in my room if you want anything." He patted my shoulders and left the room, turning my light off and keeping the door open. 

I sighed and tried to calm my erratic heartbeat down. 

I was fine. 

I hadn't had a really bad day in well over a week and I hadn't had an episode in two weeks. 

I was back at the bunker and me and Dean were okay. 

Sam had come and got me from Jerry's motel room. 

My chest was aching and wailing but that was only because I'd had a bad dream I was sure. 

Nothing was wrong. 

Things were getting better. 

I was better. 

_Things were getting better._

_I was better._

_I'd been working at the Gas'n'Sip for five days now and Nora was already giving me praise._

_I hadn't heard a nice word in months and it made me so warm each time that the idea of going back to the park didn't even seem so bad._

_I was doing well at my job._

_I knew so many useful things now;_

_-Cleaning tasks_

_-Handling money_

_-Customer people skills (granted I would need to work on that more)_

_-Stocking and recording stock_

_-Keeping myself presentable with limited resources_

_-Knowing different kinds of greetings for different people (note: women can call anyone 'love' or 'darling' but men can only call women these things, men tend to get angry if another man says these things to another man)_

_-Different kinds of food and how to prepare them_

_-Different kinds of gas for different kinds of cars_

_I was sure that most of what I'd learned in the last five days was somewhat useful._

_Nora gave me a set of keys after my shift, telling me that she trusted me to open the store in the morning and set up before she would arrive and actually let customers inside._

_I finally had something I was in charge of, Nora was telling me what to do and she trusted me to not ruin it._

_The hole in my chest quietened for a few hours and I couldn't stop smiling, I even had a customer praise me on my customer service._

_Things were getting good._

_I was going to be okay._

I often wondered how Nora was and how Tanya was. 

Was Nora still the manager at the Gas'n'Sip? 

Was Tanya sick again or was she healthy and happy? 

Had Tanya understood what I'd tried to tell her or had she actually been too young? 

I could go and see them. 

As soon as I thought that my chest tore and twisted, I quickly put my hand over my mouth to cover the shocked noise that escaped.

My door was open, if I was too loud Sam or Dean would hear me. 

Maybe I could just call Nora? 

I checked my phone, trying to control my shaky hands. 

Our last conversations had been okay I think. 

_"What do you mean you need a few days off? It's almost Christmas, Steve." Nora sighed._

_I nodded. "It's a uh-f-family emergency."_

_"Oh." Nora looked at my face which I was sure was pathetic, judging by how I'd struggled to speak. "Are you okay?" She asked, her hand on my arm._

_I swallowed, feeling a lump in my throat._

_She's mistaken my 'she knows I'm lying' expression for sadness._

_"Y-yes. Of course, I just need to go. I should be back in a few days."_

_Nora scrunched her eyebrows and squeezed my arm again before letting go. "Let me know if you need anything, just a call away. Okay?"_

_I nodded shakily. "Thank you."_

_"Stay safe with that new pretty car of yours, Steve." She winked and let me go._

_Days later when I was an angel again, I'd called Dean to tell him about Gadreel but then I called Nora right after._

_I knew I wouldn't be going back to work anytime soon._

_I'd just seen a dozen of my siblings slaughtered, Dean had made me leave, a sister and I had been captured and tortured, in her case killed._

_Dean needed me._

_Sam was in trouble._

_"Steve, how's things at home?" She asked._

_"I-Not good. My uh-" How would I describe Sam to her? "Cousin, he's very sick." I lied quickly._

_"Oh no, what is it?"_

_She mistook my silence for being upset rather than me trying to think of a suitable illness._

_"It's okay, don't tell me, Steve. What do you need?"_

_"I-I need to stay here for a while." I felt the sinking feeling in my stomach._

_What if Dean would want me to leave right after we helped Sam? Would Nora take me back at the Gas'n'Sip? I didn't need the job now that I was an angel but the distraction was so soothing._

_"How long are you thinking?" Nora asked._

_"I'm unsure."_

_Nora was quiet for a moment. "Steve, you take as long as you need. Family is more important than this place okay? If you ever wanna come back you'll be welcome. Just come back and I'll have a vest for you."_

_My words caught in my throat._

_"R-really?"_

_"Of course, Steve. I hope everything goes okay with your family. Send my love."_

_"Of course, thank you Nora."_

_"See you soon." She hung up._

_Family is more important._

_Neither of my families wanted me._

_I shook the thoughts out of my head and went to find my car so I could get to Dean._

_He might not think I was family anymore but I considered him and Sam my family still._

_I would help._

It was three in the morning. 

It would be two in the morning for Nora. 

I sighed, I didn't have her number anymore, it was on my old phone. 

I groaned lowly in frustration, I should thank her for helping me so much as a human. If it wasn't for her giving me a job surely I would be long dead. It was snowing awfully in my last month as a human, the store room had protected me from a very painful death. I needed to thank her. 

Maybe I could-

_Scratch. Scratch. Ache. Twist. Scratch._

Not yet. 

Dean and I seemed to be going back to normal over the next few days. 

He'd speak to me and ask how my day was and of course I'd do the same for him, but he didn't come to my room anymore. 

The closest he got was when he walked past and clearly didn't like that my door wasn't open quite wide enough, he's push it open as he'd walk past and into his room. 

I tried to not let it bother me too much. 

Sam and I ended up spending more time together and it was good. I enjoyed spending time with Sam but in the back of my head all I could think of was how much I owed Nora for saving my life. It was her who'd took me in, even if she didn't know it. I owed her so much. 

I thought I was dealing with it but then it was the day that marked three whole weeks without an episode and I felt the start of a really bad day. 

Things had been _fine_ _._

Jerry had gotten a raise at the animal shelter and was thinking about bringing a dog home with him or maybe a cat as they were quieter. 

I'd been having mostly okay days, sometimes I had a bad one but it was usually followed by an okay one. 

I'd been coping well on the bad days too, I'd let myself get way too used to sitting in my room with Dean and letting him talk over the aching in my chest whilst squeezing my hand every now and then. But since that wasn't really an option anymore since he was being okay with me but still not _us_ I forced myself to get out of my room and be productive. Even if I couldn't hear myself think over the wailing of my chest and I couldn't focus on any task for too long and I was so tired, I still tried. 

No one noticed that I was having the bad days either, I'd mastered the carefully placed smile now. 

But having a really bad day threw me off. 

I'd had a bad day the day before so I was sleeping. 

I'd woken up with surprisingly no nightmares, my door was wide open. 

I went to sit up and stretch but the hole in my chest screeched and then I burst into tears. I ran to my door and shut it quickly, sitting in front of it, my hands over my mouth. 

I could control this. 

I would turn it into a bad day, I could handle a bad day. 

I'd handled many bad days. 

Really bad days weren't that much different. 

I had just got my breathing under control when I felt someone trying to open the door but obviously I'd locked it and was sat in front of it. 

"Cas?" Sam knocked. "Are you getting dressed or something?"

"Y-yes." I clenched my fists. 

"You're not usually so modest." He chuckled. "You wanting some breakfast? Dean's making a heart attack on a plate." 

I felt the bile rising in my throat at the thought of eating anything. Let alone having to put a smile on my face and pretend. I knew I'd mess it up. If I didn't though, Sam would know something was wrong and he was so happy that I was getting better. I couldn't disappoint him.

"Cas?" Sam asked. 

"Uh-Yeah. I'll be there soon." 

"Alright." Sam walked away. 

I threw my head onto my knees and struggled to catch my breath. 

Screaming into my pillow helped a little more than I expected it to at first, but after about three muffled screams I'd stopped crying. 

I made my way to the bathroom to wash the evidence from my face. 

My eyes stared back at me, bloodshot and red rimmed. The blue seemed almost brighter but I knew that was only because I'd been crying too much, they were strained. 

I sighed and splashed the water on my face, wiping my eyes gently. 

Maybe they wouldn't look too hard. 

"Morning Sunshine." Dean grinned as I walked in. "Just in time for some warrior food." 

"Thank you." I mumbled and sat down at the table.

"I thought you were getting dressed?" Sam asked, putting his phone down. 

I looked down, I was still in my pjs. 

I bit the inside of my cheeks, how could I have been so stupid and careless. 

"Yeah- I was uh asleep in my boxers last night." I nodded, that was a good enough lie. 

Dean looked like he was about to argue but quickly turned back to the food he was putting onto plates. 

Sam shrugged. "Are you gonna be out tonight? I was thinking of going seeing a movie." 

"It's Thursday." I nodded. 

Maybe I would be okay by later on. 

"You're both leaving me tonight." Dean put our plates down then sat beside me. "What about bro code? No bro left alone." 

"Please never say any of those words ever again." Sam laughed. 

Dean rolled his eyes. "I'm not invited to your dumb movie and I'm not invited to your kitchen." He huffed. 

"You could hustle some pool? Running low on cash." Sam suggested. 

"Yeah, maybe." Dean mused. "Might wait for Cas to get home though, he's always a good distraction for it." 

I frowned. "If you're referring to the one time that I dropped the beers then I'd like you to shut up." 

Dean chuckled. "That guy must of been about nine feet tall and ready to kill us for getting beer all over him." 

"It was one time." I defended. "I wasn't feeling well." 

"Light weight." Dean turned to me and winked but then his smile wavered. 

I looked away. 

It was funny looking back on it, the man who I'd spilt beer on was so distracted that he didn't see Dean potting three more balls and then was so bust glaring at me for the rest of the game and complaining about his wet clothes that Dean beat him easily and we left with 500 dollars. Dean had used me as a good luck charm since even though it had only happened once because I was so tired that I'd stumbled into the table. 

"What's your movie?" I asked Sam, trying to get Dean's attention off me. 

"It's an old timey one. I doubt either of you would be that interested in it, it's in french so Dean you'd hate it and it's really slow and full of references to the other movies so you'd get annoyed." 

"Why the hell are you seeing such a boring sounding movie?" Dean pulled his face. 

"It's a healthy hobby." Sam finished his breakfast and put his plate in the sink. "It's only showing a few towns over so I'll be home real late. Don't wait up." 

"What a nerd." Dean chuckled as Sam left the room. 

"Whaddya say, Cas? I could pick you up from the soup kitchen and we could hustle some pool? You could hustle a card game whilst I play pool? Double up." He grinned. 

"If I'm not tired after then I'd like that." I nodded. 

"Why don't you get yourself back to bed then? You look tired, man." Dean took my plate that I'd barely eaten from and finished it off. 

"I'll see you later." I stood up and made my way back to my room, having the door open slightly and got back into bed. 

I lay on my stomach with my head in the pillows so if either Sam or Dean walked past they wouldn't see my face, they'd just assume I was sleeping. 

The first couple of hours weren't that bad. Just the constant ache was giving me a headache and making my stomach tie in knots. 

The third and fourth hours got worse, just when I thought my chest was easing up a little it started to tear around the edges which made it difficult to breathe properly, the headache turned into a migraine because I was gritting my teeth so much. I ended up wrapping my arms around my chest tightly and bringing my knees up so I was fully in the fetal position. It didn't help but I couldn't move once I was in the position. 

The fifth and sixth hour I became scared that it was going to turn into an episode. I kept one arm wrapped around my chest and the other hand I pressed tightly over my mouth because the noises I was making wasn't something I wanted Sam or Dean to hear. Sam had probably gone to his movie now. I should be setting off to pick Jerry up in a couple of hours. 

I tried to move my arm around my chest but my chest wailed so instead I bit my tongue and pressed my lips together so no noise could escape as I texted Jerry. 

**I can't make it tonight, sorry. I'll be there tomorrow I think**

**Jerry: Why? Is something wrong?**

**No, I'm good. I'll explain when I next see you**

**Jerry: Okay dude, I'll let Cindy know**

I threw my phone in the general direction of my nightstand and put my hand back over my mouth, resuming my position on the bed. 

I'd forgotten how badly really bad days hurt. 

The seventh and eighth hour it was still no better, I could hear myself groaning and whimpering through my hand, I could taste the tears even though my hand was so tight against my mouth, they were slipping through. My migraine had become so bad that I couldn't see without wanting to throw up the breakfast Dean had made. 

I didn't hear the knock on my door. 

"Cas, you're gonna be late for picking Jerry up. Get outta bed." Dean called from my door.

"Not going." I managed to force out as a relatively normal tone. 

"What? Why not?" He asked. 

I couldn't let go of my mouth again, he'd hear the awful noises I was doing my best to silence. 

But if I didn't respond he'd get closer and he'd see the state I was in. 

"Tired." I pressed my face into the pillow. 

"Okay." Dean huffed. "Not really like you to skip out on that because you're tired. You went to work a full shift at the Gas'n'Sip after spending all night in hospital with a broken wrist remember." 

I couldn't control the sound of the sob that ripped through me at the mention of those awful few days. 

"Whoa. Cas, what's wrong?" Dean was suddenly sat on my bed, his hand on my leg that I now realised was shaking. 

Dean was right, I shouldn't be here feeling sorry for myself. I should be out there helping people. 

"Y-you're right. I n-need to go-o-o." I moved my hand from my mouth and sat up, wrapping both arms around my chest. 

"Hey, you're not going anywhere, feathers." Dean's lip pressed into a thin line as he studied my face. "Was it something I said?" 

I shook my head. 

"How long have you been in here feeling like this?" Dean asked. 

I didn't respond, I needed to get out of bed but he was in my way. 

"Move." I huffed. 

"Dammit Cas, you've been like this since breakfast haven't you?" Dean blocked me from getting out of bed by putting his hand on my chest. "How bad are we talking?" 

"I'm fine." I growled, feeling a high pitched whine in the back of my throat. 

Everything hurt. It would be fine once I was in the soup kitchen. I could power through this. I'd prove I was fine. 

"Cas." Dean ran his hand over his face. "Just-Just stay here alright. I'll be back in two minutes." Dean let go of my shoulder and left my room. 

I stood up and tried getting dressed but I couldn't see, my head was hurting so much and the light that Dean had turned on was making my eyes burn. 

"Back in bed, Cas." Dean sighed and shut the door, he was in different clothes now I think. Maybe. I wasn't as sure as I would like to be. 

"No." I shook my head but that made me dizzy so I stumbled, waving my arms to balance.

I used to rely on my wings to balance. 

I clutched my chest and heard a sob tear through me. 

My back felt so light and so _unnatural_ without wings. 

The next thing I knew Dean's hands were on my shoulders and he was shoving me back into my bed, blocking my hands trying to push him off me. 

"You're staying here. I'll call Jerry. Stay." He demanded and pulled the covers up to my shoulders. 

He sat beside me on the bed, one of his hands firmly on my shoulder so I couldn't get up if I tried. 

He pulled his phone out.

His jaw was set, eyes hard. 

"Hey Jerry, yeah....He's not coming tonight....not feeling well....Sam's out, I'll make sure he's good...nah don't worry I got it...I'll let you know if he needs anything bringing over...yeah, see you later." 

"Is he angry?" I choked on a sob, refusing to look at Dean's face. 

"Course he isn't. Don't think that guy could be angry at you if he tried." 

I wiped my eyes, gritting my teeth as it hurt my head. 

"I'll be okay, just g-go and play pool." I tried to turn over but his hand was still on my shoulder. 

"Cas, I ain't going anywhere." Dean sighed. "What's hurting?" 

"All o-of it." I cried harder but that just made my stomach turn and my head hurt even more. 

"Alright. Okay. I got you." Dean squeezed my shoulder. "Me and you against this." He mumbled and stood up. 

I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around my chest again now that he'd let go. 

"You want the light off?" He asked. 

I nodded into the pillow. 

Dean flipped the light off and stumbled back over to the bed in the dark. "Want me to get under or stay on top?" He asked. 

I shrugged. 

He could do whatever he wanted, I didn't think I'd notice. 

The ninth and tenth hours were terrible, just random flashes of worse pain every few minutes which would make me tense up and Dean would tense up too, he kept trying to pull my arms away from my chest but I didn't let him. He wanted to make sure I wasn't hurting myself but I didn't care. I was fully aware of my own actions. I wouldn't allow it to get that bad. 

"Cas, tell me what you need?" 

"Nothing." I swallowed, my back and shoulders were starting to ache from being tensed all day but it was nothing in comparison to everything else. 

"You're not alone, Cas. I- I know I've been a dick recently, I've made you feel like I didn't care. But...Cas you gotta know I care right?" He reached his hand out, offering to to me. 

My arms loosened on my chest but I felt like if I moved even one any more then my chest would collapse. 

Dean sighed. "I've not been acting like it but it's still me and you against whatever it is going on with you. Always. Me and you. Not just you struggling on your own. You got that?" 

"Dean." I managed to get out. 

I didn't even know what I was going to say but Dean seemed to understand me even though I didn't. 

He pulled the covers back and got under them, pulling my blanket from the bottom of my bed and wrapping it around me under the covers so the soft blanket was touching my neck and my arms. 

"I'm here whether you like it or not." He chuckled. 

"I-I like it." I stammered. 

"God knows why." He sighed.

The tenth and eleventh hour I finally let myself move so I was lay on my back and opened my eyes again, Dean looked so upset as he stared at the ceiling, before I knew what I was doing my hand had moved from my chest and touched his cheek. 

Dean looked down and smiled softly. 

"Hey, Cas." 

"I'm sorry." I wiped my eyes.

"Don't gotta apologise to me." He caught my hand and squeezed before letting go. "You ready to talk a little?" 

I shrugged. 

"I'll talk at you then, feel free to interrupt." 

He started talking about cases for a while. 

I felt myself stop crying as he told me his reasons for hating witches for what must of been the tenth time this month but he always had at least two completely new reasons. 

I lifted my head and let it rest on his arm that had somehow slung around my shoulders. 

He told me all of his ideas to cut Sam's hair without Sam getting too mad about it. 

He told me about how he was an expert at cutting hair and it wasn't like he'd do a bad job of it so Sam had nothing to worry about. 

He told me about how he needed to give the impala a tune up and told me in detail about everything he would need to do, he then went on to how he wanted to take a look at my car too. He promised me we'd have another car wash day soon but this time we'd both get Sam wet and maybe invite Jerry too. 

He told me how he was working on new ways to cook in the bunkers kitchen but in bulk for the soup kitchen, he was getting tired of always making sandwiches but wanted something just as simple and pleasant to eat but was struggling on what he could do. 

He told me how much he wanted to go to the beach with me and Sam. How he wanted to feel the sun on his back and the sand in between his toes, how much he wanted to try and get a good tan on his legs which had never happened before despite his arms and face still tanning. 

He told me how he wanted to see Charlie again soon, how he missed her and how much he wished he could just go to Oz and check on her. He told me about how much I'd like her and how she'd read all of the supernatural books and knew who I was and apparently liked me already. 

The eleventh and twelfth hours were getting better. Dean turned the TV on and put one of the box sets on, slipping back into bed, his arm around my shoulders and letting my head rest on his arm. 

"What are we watching?" I asked. 

"Star trek, thought you might like it. Sam said you liked Guardians of the Galaxy." 

"Oh." I nodded. 

Dean kept the volume low and kept stroking my arm through the episodes. 

I didn't understand half of what was happening and the languages were clearly just gibberish. I let my attention wander to around my room, I felt myself actually smile when I spotted my photos dotted around the room. I couldn't make them out clearly but I had memorised where each one was. 

"My favourite is the one of you and Sammy reading in the library." Dean mumbled and pointed to the left wall. I knew which photo he was talking about. "The books are stacked high and you'd both been sat there for hours. I felt like a damn maid just bringing coffee over every hour or when Sam would look like he was gonna rip his hair out. But the best thing in that picture is you'd just finished teaching him the alphabet in whatever damn language it was. You looked like your kid had just gone off to college and Sam just looked so happy that he finally understood what the hell you were talking about." He chuckled. 

I rested my hand on the top of my chest instead of holding my ribs. "He still remembers the alphabet too." 

"My two nerds huh?" He sighed. 

"I think I'll be okay now, you can go and play pool." I lifted my head. 

Dean shook his head. "Not happening." 

"But-"

"Cas, you're stuck with me." Dean huffed. 

"I'll be okay." I argued. 

He didn't have to babysit me any longer. I knew he just wanted to go back to his room or go to the bar anyway. 

"No. You won't. You'll be in here, hurting more and then when I get home and Sammy does too you'll just hide it and say you're fine like I do. You gotta stop copying how I deal with stuff, man." He pushed my shoulder gently so my head would relax onto his arm again. 

"But I am fine, it-it just hurts sometimes but that's just, it's just how it works. I'm just getting used to it." I nodded. 

Like I told Tanya, being new at this was confusing and scary but soon enough I'd get the hang of it. 

Dean sighed. "Cas, there's a big difference between getting used to being sad sometimes and whatever it is that's happening with you. I'm telling you, this isn't what everyone deals with, you need some help and that's okay." 

"It's not normal?" I felt the tears welling up. 

Dean bit his lip but shuffled down the bed so he was looking directly at me, he wiped my tears away as they fell, not letting me turn away. 

"This right here? It's damage, we all have a bit. Our family more than most do. But the hurt that you're feeling? I can see it written all over your face, it's next level. I'm not letting you face that on your own.I can't lose you to this. I can't lose you at all, never again." 

I felt the urge to hug him again just like when I'd had the nightmare but I kept my hands wrapped around my ribs again. 

"I thought I was getting better." I sobbed, my chest felt like it was splitting in half. 

"Me too, buddy. I thought you weren't gonna need me anymore, I just- I was a dick. I thought that because you were feeling your mojo again it meant we weren't gonna spend all of our time together talking about nothing and just y'know being _us._ I-I wasn't thinking right and I was so mad that I was gonna lose that. I just, I took it out on you. I thought it'd bounce right off because you were getting back to being an angel again." 

"It didn't." I felt my bottom lip start to wobble as I looked at him. 

"Oh Cas." He pulled me into his chest and let me cry into his neck.

I tried to stop myself, to regain control but Dean admitting that he was angry with me for being an angel again hurt. I thought that's what he wanted. 

"I'm really sorry, I am. You're-you're so important to me and- I should. I should of taken better care of you...You just-dammit." He rubbed my back. "I thought that if you hated me it would be easier when you would end up leaving to do angel stuff again. I was being so selfish, buddy. I just cared about myself and because you were getting better and were having okay and good days it meant that you were getting stronger and you didn't need me." 

"Why would I go back to Heaven?" I mumbled into his neck. "They all want-they-they want me dead. I want to get my br-brother and sisters back to their-h-ho-ome but, I wouldn't go. They h-hate me." 

"I know." He rubbed my back. "You know me, I'm stupid. I just-"

"You're not stupid at all." I argued. "You're the smartest person I know." 

Dean chuckled. "Sure, Cas." 

"I'm not lying." 

"What I'm trying to say is, I was being stupid. I wasn't thinking. I know how much you want to be an angel again, I know how much it hurts about all the other angels even though you try and act like you're fine about it. But if Sammy-if I was you and Sam was all the other angels...I'd be devastated too." 

I felt my hands cling to his t-shirt as more sobs racked through me. 

"I'm sorry, Cas." Dean shushed me, a hand in my hair now. "I'm so damn sorry." 

"It's n-not your fault." I choked on more tears. 

"It is." He sighed. "I just wish you'd tell me more so I could help you out, I know you better than anyone, Cas. I know how that mind of yours works, I can help if you'll let me." 

I shook my head. "I c-can't." 

I hid my head in his neck still, I didn't want to see the look that I knew was there. 

It would just get worse if he knew how bad I was at being a human. 

He'd given me that look because I was so bad at being an angel. 

Maybe I was just bad at _being_. 

"You're okay." Dean stroked my hair and shushed me gently. "I've got you, buddy." 

"I'm sorry." I choked on the tears. 

"Try and get some sleep Cas, I'll be here if you have a nightmare." He pulled me a little closer then adjusted the fluffy blanket so it was covering everything but my head. 

I'd never felt warmer. 

Dean was somehow stroking my hair at the opposite rhythm to the aches in my chest, finally my eyes felt heavier and heavier, I moved so my head was resting on his chest. His heartbeat loud in my ear, louder than the wailing of my own chest. 

Finally I shut my eyes and tried to relax. 

Dean wouldn't let me go. 

Dean was here. 

I was okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey  
> so this was a long one, took me most of the day ahaha.  
> i felt like it was important to have dean explain himself to cas and mend the bridges that were burned, now it's not all sunshine and rainbows but it's a start to sorting their mess of a relationship out.  
> Now I feel like I gotta address something in this chapter.  
> Because it's from Cas' POV, he's convincing himself that he's okay. He's trying his hardest to downplay everything he's feeling and everything that he went through, from an outsiders perspective like Jerry, Sam and Dean. Cas isn't doing so hot and they're worried even if Cas thinks he's good. So this isn't a quick fix of a cuddle and he's all good. Cas is fooling himself and no one else.  
> new chapter will most likely be up by tomorrow night  
> lotta love my dudes :)


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took me like three days.   
> Honestly it was a nightmare writing it, I wrote maybe 6,000 words and then my laptop crashed and it all deleted  
> Then I wrote 4,000 words but I could barely remember what I'd written so I hated it  
> I then had to socialise over facetime with my friends   
> But finally we have a chapter.   
> It's not heavy but it's not light and breezy either, it's a mix.   
> Hope you enjoy :)

**Castiel's POV**

_"Are you sure he didn't have an episode again?"_

_"Sam, I'm sure alright. He was talking, he wasn't spaced out, he wasn't trying to hurt himself."_

_"Yeah but-"_

_"I know. Just- Leave it to me, alright."_

_"If you're sure."_

_"Dean, it's been like twelve hours."_

_"I know that."_

_"So we should probably wake him up. Y'know start the day?"_

_"Let him rest, Sammy."_

_"You're mothering him y'know, an angel of the lord."_

_"Can it, Sam."_

* * *

Waking up was hard. 

But it was so much easier than it was before. 

Now I was in a bed which remembered the shape of my body, it supported yet comforted me. 

I had multiple pillows, all fluffy and soft and they were green to match the sheets. 

My covers were green and they were big and thick, feeling like something heavy was on top of me but it wasn't a weight. It was a comfort. 

The smell of the bunker was so familiar and so welcome that I barely even noticed it but every single time that I did notice, it was just like the first time. 

Then there was the heat, I could stay wrapped up in my covers for days, months, years. 

Even if I didn't have my covers and if I didn't have my pjs I didn't doubt that I'd still be content and relatively warm. I would of been more than happy with the warmth from just the bunker, my pjs and my covers. But the soft fluffy grey blanket was wrapped around me too, I should of been sweating I was that warm but I wasn't. Everything was soft and _safe._

The safety I felt in this moment wasn't able to be compared to anything else. 

I could still feel that Dean was lay beside me. 

I was sure that was his breathing. Almost sure. 

And I was almost sure that it was his shin that my leg was sprawled across and his stomach that my hand rested on. 

But I felt so safe. Nothing would hurt me and I couldn't hurt anyone else whilst I was lay here, warm and safe. 

_Even just lay as still as I possibly could I was still frantically trying to breathe._

_Nothing was good._

_I hated being here._

_I wanted it to stop, for Dean to call and just tell me to come home._

_Just like he had in purgatory._

_He told me we were going home then._

_Why wasn't it my home now?_

_Why didn't I have a home?_

_I shivered violently as something moved in the bush beside me, making snow fall into my ear._

_I couldn't do this._

_Sleeping here just wasn't safe anymore._

_There seemed to be bigger animals lurking in the trees now, I wasn't sure if I was imagining it or not but just the thought of something out there watching and waiting until I fell asleep terrified me to the core._

_The hole in my chest ripped and shredded at itself._

_I bit my lip hard to try and curb it, just for a few hours._

_I just needed sleep for a few hours and then I'd get up and warm myself back up again._

_I shivered again, my eyes adjusted slightly to the dark so I could see how discoloured my fingers looked. Almost glowing in the darkness._

_Please call._

_Take me home._

_Please, Dean._

_I felt the tears burning my eyes and I welcomed the heat to my face._

_At least it warmed me enough to sleep._

"He awake yet?" I heard Sam. 

"No-"

"I'm awake." I mumbled into the pillow. 

"Oh, well good morning, Cas. I guess if you could call it that." Sam chuckled. "How're you feeling?" 

"Okay." I was sure it came out muffled but he seemed to understand. 

"You getting up?" Dean asked when I showed no signs of moving. 

I moved my leg from his and my hand away from his stomach. "No." 

Dean chuckled and got out of the bed, re wrapping the covers around me. "We'll be in the library when you get your ass outta bed." 

I stayed wrapped in the warmth and the safety of my bed for what only felt like an extra ten minutes but I knew it was quite a while longer. 

The hole in my chest seemed to be asleep for now, it was definitely there, just not active as long as I stayed still. 

I tried to shake the memory of the cold from my head, that wasn't helping in keeping the hole in my chest inactive. 

Today would be a good day. 

* * *

It was my fourth good day in a row now. 

I'd spoken to Jerry about how I wanted to speak to Nora, let her know what she did for me and how much I wanted to thank her. 

He'd told me that I probably shouldn't go back to Idaho after I explained what had happened last time. 

He said I could write her a letter, I still knew her address after all.

But I was struggling. 

It was a good day but I was sat at my desk staring at the notepad in front of me, like I had been doing for the past few hours. 

Every so often I felt a scratch or an ache in my chest. 

I knew if I didn't hurry up and start writing then it would turn into an okay day. 

Then if I still couldn't do it then it would turn into a bad day. 

And if I still couldn't bring myself to put pen to paper it would be a really bad day. 

And then- 

I heard my chair scraping on the floor and then I was in the library sat with Sam. 

"Looks like there could be something in Texas." Sam mused. "Vengeful spirit." 

"That's a full days drive, I think Rudy's around there. I'll give him the heads up." Dean shook his head.

Sam sighed. "Witches in Iowa." 

"Jody's closer than we are." 

"She'd need back up. So we might as well just go." Sam's lips pressed into a thin line.

"Cas?" 

"You want me to come?" I asked. 

"You want to?" Dean asked. "You might miss Monday." 

I pursed my lips. I hadn't been on a case in over two months now. I nodded. 

"Atta boy." 

Sam sighed. "You sure you're ready?" 

"Yes." I nodded.

"Let's get ready then." Dean grinned. "Car in ten?" 

I nodded and went to pack my case bag, it had been so long since I'd pulled it out from under my bed. I made sure to pack the notepad that was on my desk. 

I could think of things to write and write whilst Sam and Dean slept tonight. 

I'd figure it out. 

"We gonna need another room or are you not sleeping?" Dean asked as we pulled into the parking lot. 

"I'm not tired." I shook my head.

He nodded and stepped out to book the room. 

"Hey, Cas?" 

"Yes, Sam?" I turned to him, he was leaning against the impala, yawning. 

"Are you sure you're good for this? I mean it's a witches case. They can be pretty tough." 

"I can do it." I nodded. "I'm fine now." 

"If you're sure." He sighed, clapping me on the shoulder as Dean came back from the front desk, shaking the keys and pointing to room 113. 

They both went to bed pretty quickly. 

I sat at the dining table staring at the notepad. 

I managed to write her name. 

I supposed that was all I was able to do when my chest started to ache. 

Sighing I made my way to the shower, letting the water get scalding hot. 

There would be more hot water by the time both Sam and Dean woke up. 

I tried to think through exactly what to say to Nora. 

But how would I manage to say exactly how thankful and grateful I was to her without letting her know where I was sleeping and what I was eating?

I'd probably not see her again so I wouldn't ever see the look on her face. So it didn't matter if she knew. 

**She'd still know**

I grit my teeth and let the hot water soothe the aches in my chest. 

Once it was clear that I had my chest at the best I could get it I shut the shower off and dressed quietly, heading outside of the motel room to watch the stars for a few hours until Sam and Dean woke up. 

I could see mine and Balthazar's constellation almost perfectly now, my eyesight was much improved now that my grace had been left alone for a few days. 

Sam's hand on my shoulder made me jump when the sun rose.

"We thought you did a runner." He chuckled. 

"You're up early." I turned back to the sky. 

"It's almost nine. C'mon we gotta go and talk to the cops." 

_I couldn't stop shaking._

_I didn't understand why, it was much warmer in here than it was at the park. So why was I still shivering and shaking?_

_My knees were brought up to my chest, my arms wrapped around them._

_"He's not gonna last five minutes here with me." The man across the cell from me started to laugh as he stared at me the way that Dean would look at a pie._

_I swallowed, he wouldn't try and hurt me would he?_

_I shook my head, gripping my knees tighter._

_The police men ignored what the man had said._

_They ignored it when he came to sit beside me, his body pressed tightly against mine._

_I tried to ignore him too, if I angered him I was sure I'd end up being the one who was hurt. He was made out of nothing but thick muscle and he looked so angry._

_I swallowed again, trying not to look at him._

_With the changes to my body in the past few weeks, my lack of grace and my lack of eating, he was sure to win in a fight._

_I didn't want to know what would be left of me when he would be satisfied a fight was over._

_The man beside me shoved me off the bench and onto the floor._

_I grit my teeth and forced myself to stand up, standing by the metal bars, as far away from him as possible._

_I didn't question why he'd felt the need to do that, it was clear that he was physically dominant and had much more energy than me despite him being clearly intoxicated._

_"Come and get this ponce outta here before I really hurt him." The man yelled to the policemen._

_I swallowed, feeling my shoulders shaking._

_The police had been so nice though, they'd let me shower and change into some spare clothes._

_But then they'd thrown me in here and not ten minutes later the other man was with me._

_'Sleeping it off'._

_I didn't know what I was doing here._

_The police had told me to go home when they saw me walking around the town, I didn't tell them I was looking for food in dumpsters._

_I told them I would go home._

_But then an hour later they saw me again and shoved me in the back of the car and brought me here._

_They asked me all kinds of questions but I couldn't bring myself to answer._

_Apparently that was the wrong thing to do because that's how you get put in a cell for the night._

_"You hurt him you're going down for assault." A policeman sighed and looked away again, drinking his coffee._

_It was steaming around his face._

_It looked so warm._

_"He wouldn't press charges, would you?" He bared his teeth._

_"I don't know what that is." I tried to control my shaking hands._

_The man broke into a grin. "I mean there's playing dumb but that's next level. What you here for?"_

_I shrugged. "I was just walking."_

_"I'm warning you! I'm gonna knock his lights out."_

_I didn't get time to ask him what that meant._

_He punched and kicked me at least six times before the police came in and dragged me out from under him._

_I sighed._

_I was so close to being asleep._

_"The sheriff will kill us if he sees this, no doubt loud mouth over there will tell him all about how he warned us."_

_"What do we do?"_

_"You do any paperwork on this guy yet?"_

_"No."_

_Maybe they'd put me in a different cell, away from the angry drunk man._

_I woke up sat three blocks from the police station, I needed to get my bag from the park but I wasn't sure how far away it was and my face was hurting._

_I pulled myself up and wrapped my arms around my chest, there was no point in staying sat down as the night would get more and more cold._

_Maybe it would be best to just go back to the park and sleep some more, my face was throbbing from the angry man in the cells._

_At least the police men let me out, I just wished they'd let me stay asleep in the warm cells a bit longer._

I watched the police carefully as Sam and Dean spoke to them, I pretended to write things down that I 'found' around the room but I was watching them carefully. 

Were they like the ones in Idaho?

Did they let the people in their charge get beaten up by big angry drunk men?

Did they get rid of them and leave them outside like the police did to me in Idaho? 

I decided that I didn't like police. 

I'd never had a good experience with any of them. 

Sam and Dean figured out where the witches were and who they were fairly quickly. 

Three witches, one each Dean had said. 

But one of them escaped. I felt awful because I was relieved that it wasn't the one I was supposed to kill, it was Dean's. But surely that would prove to Sam that I was fine and ready to be working cases again. 

"I friggin hate witches!" Dean huffed when we got back to the motel after searching for hours. 

"We know." Sam and I both smiled. 

Dean groaned. "How'd she even slip away? I had the bitch." 

I shrugged. "We could try a tracking spell? I got a bit of her clothing just in case." I held up the torn fabric.

"When'd you get that?" Sam came over and took it out of my hand with a smile. 

"When they were talking, I just ripped part of their scarves from behind them all. They were more interested in you two." I pulled the other two pieces of fabric out of my pocket. 

"Told you we needed him." Dean grinned and clapped me on the back. "Go on Sammy, do your witchy stuff." 

Sam pursed his lips and scowled but got the stuff together for the tracking spell. 

I made sure that I healed the cut on his hand that he had to make. 

It shook my grace a little more than I expected but it was nothing too bad. 

I could handle it. 

I was okay.

Within fifteen minutes we were back in the car and within an hour we were on the way back to the motel room. 

Dean grinned wide the entire way back. "Fucking witches get what's coming to 'em." 

I rolled my eyes.

He took too much pleasure in killing witches. 

Once we were back at the motel room Sam and Dean both headed to bed, I pulled out my notepad and sat at the dining table again. 

Surely I would of thought of something by now? 

_Nora,_

_It's ~~Castiel.~~ Steve. _

~~_I know that it's been a long time._ ~~ _I'm aware it's been a while since we spoke on the phone._

_I would of called you but my phone was ~~broken~~ lost. _

I sighed and threw my notepad back in my bag, it wasn't working. 

**Me: I can't write this letter.**

**Jerry: Why not? What's up?**

**Me: I can't think of the right things and I keep crossing things out and changing my mind.**

**Jerry: You don't have to rush it**

**Jerry: Just write whenever you feel like you can, she's not expecting it so there's no time limit**

**Me: I guess you're right**

**Jerry: Of course I'm right**

I smiled at my phone, the scratches at my chest became a little lighter. 

* * *

"South Dakota isn't on the way back to Kansas." I narrowed my eyes at Sam and Dean as we drove. 

"It's the long route." Sam shrugged. "We've not got anything else to do. You're free until Thursday right?" 

"Yes but-"

"We're gonna go and see Jody." Dean explained. "It's been too long since we've seen her." 

"You could of just said that." I rolled my eyes. 

Dean turned the music up and I leaned against the window, looking at the passing by towns in the hours it took to get to Sioux Falls. 

Jody was waiting outside of her house for us when we arrived, waving. 

In a police uniform.

"You didn't say she was a police woman." I bit the inside of my cheeks. 

"Why's it matter?" Dean quirked his eyebrow at me as Sam got out of the car and went to hug Jody. 

Dean searched my face, his eyebrows scrunched but not angry.

"It doesn't." I shook my head. "She's your friend, that's what matters." 

"She's good people, Cas. And she's cooking us a home cooked meal. I'll bet even you'll enjoy it with all the molecules." He teased. 

"I think I am hungry." I thought out loud. 

"Perfect." He grinned. "C'mon, we're being rude." He tapped me on the shoulder before he got out of the car.

I followed suit and followed him to Jody. 

I suppose we had stayed in the car talking whilst Jody was waiting for us to get out before she could go back inside. 

"Long time no see." Jody wrapped her arms around Dean and grinned. 

Dean laughed. "I only come for the food, you know me." 

Jody pretended to smack him on the back of the head as they let go of each other. 

"Watch your mouth." She laughed. "You must be Castiel." She turned to me, the smile on her face not faltering. 

I swallowed my dislike for the police, Sam and Dean would be angry if I upset their friend. "Yes, it's nice to meet you." I forced the smile onto my face. 

"Not a hugger?" She asked. 

I shook my head. 

"That's fine, c'mon let's get in and I can get outta this damn uniform." She headed towards the house. 

"You might have everyone else fooled with this 'not a hugger' bullshit, but not me." Dean muttered to me on the way inside with a smile. 

I rolled my eyes. "I know you." 

Why would I hug someone that I'd never met before?

I didn't like hugging anyone but Sam and Dean anyway, having someone have their arms around you was dangerous.

We were always taught that in Heaven, never let someone get their arms around you. There were all sorts of opportunities for attack when you were held in place by someone. I trusted Sam and Dean to not attack me so I'd let them hug me, and more and more often I found myself wanting a hug when I was having a bad day.

I knew Dean, I could trust him. But Jody. Regardless of her being friends with Sam and Dean I didn't know her and she was a police woman.

Police in my experience didn't like me.

My grace was weak from healing Sam's hand so I wouldn't give her any opportunity to see my weaknesses. 

"Hmmm whatever you say Huggy bear." 

I huffed at the old nickname which Dean found hilarious still. 

Jody made a bigger spread than Dean ever does, there was so much food I thought my eyes would burst out of my skull. 

I thought Dean spoiled Sam and I at the bunker. 

This was unreal.

"You okay there?" Jody asked. 

I nodded quickly. "There's just so much." 

"Plenty for you boys to take home with you. Eat up." 

"Cas, try the mashed potatoes." Dean didn't wait for my response and just put a massive spoonful on my plate and then adding the gravy. 

"I'm not a child, I can do things myself." I swatted his hands away from my plate. 

Dean rolled his eyes. 

"Next thing is Dean starts cutting it up for him." Sam snorted to Jody. 

I glowered at him. 

Sam snorted again this time with Jody. 

"I'm glad you find my irritation so amusing." I crossed my arms. 

"Oh Cas lighten up." Sam chuckled."Dean leave him alone." 

Dean looked up with his mouth full of the mashed potatoes. "Huh?" 

"Nothing." Sam sighed. "Just try it, it's good." He said to me. 

I did as he asked, I had to hide the moan I felt coming. 

Wow. 

It was warm in my mouth and I felt my mouth watering for more when it was still in my mouth. 

"This is amazing." I closed my eyes. 

Jody laughed. "Plenty more, eat until you explode." 

"I don't think that's medically possible." 

Jody laughed. "It's a figure of speech. You guys are lucky I was even home in time to cook all of this." 

"Busy day?" Sam asked. 

"Busy week." Jody sighed. "Been a lot of crime against homeless people recently, kids being dicks. The usual." 

"Cas helps out homeless people, don't you buddy?" Dean patted me on the shoulder.

"A hunter helping homeless people?" Jody smiled. "Never heard of that." 

"A hunter/angel helping homeless people." Dean corrected. 

I rolled my eyes. "It's just the soup kitchen." I shrugged. 

I wanted this topic to be over. 

Now. 

"Everything helps, Castiel. I mean they need all the help they can get, just not many people are willing to give it." She sighed. "Breaks my heart that I can't just get them all off the streets."

I tried to smooth out the confused look that I knew was on my face. 

Was she a police woman that liked people who sleep outside?

That seemed strange. 

Most of the people who slept outside didn't like the police, myself included. 

"A lot of them don't want to be off the streets." I said when I realised that it was my turn to talk. "They're too used to it." 

"Yeah, I've found that with a few of the regulars in the cells."

"You arrest them?" 

Maybe she was like the police in Idaho after all. 

"That's what we say, but we just say that as an excuse so we can make sure they've got a bed every now and then, a meal or two y'know?" 

I fought the urge to shake my head because no, I didn't know. 

"Maybe Jody's part angel too huh?" Dean put more of the chicken on to his plate and then on mine too, thinking I wouldn't notice. 

"But if you can do that why can't you just keep them there forever? Is it because the sheriff's will find out about the paperwork?" I asked.

Jody gave me a funny look. "I am the sheriff, what paperwork?" 

Surely she must know. 

But it was clear that she didn't. 

How would I explain this. 

"My uh-friend at the soup kitchen. He-He was brought to the cells at night and they let him clean up and shower but he was in a cell with an-an angry man and-" I sighed, I wasn't even convincing myself, I turned to stare at my plate instead of her face. "The man was telling the police how he was going to hurt my friend but-but they didn't listen and he got hurt. But they hadn't done the paperwork so they just put him back outside." 

"Please tell me that didn't actually happen oh my god." Jody had a hand over her mouth. 

"Should they of done the paperwork?" I tilted my head. 

"Is your friend okay now?" 

I nodded. 

I was definitely okay.

"It's not Jerry is it?" Sam asked, looking green. 

I shook my head. 

"Oh thank God." 

"Why do you all look like that?" I looked around, even Dean had stopped eating and looked annoyed. 

"Police are supposed to help, do you know where this friend of yours was when this happened?"

"No." I lied quickly 

"Damn dirty cops." Jody sighed. "Let me make sure you know, that kinda shit doesn't swing around here, not in my town." 

I nodded. 

"Dammit, just cos they're homeless doesn't mean they're not people." Jody grit her teeth. "I'd love to get my hands on those cops and teach them a lesson or two." 

"My friend is fine now." I reminded her. 

"I'm glad." She sighed and shook her head. "Enough down talk, what else has been going on?" 

I ate the rest of my food quietly. 

Why had they all reacted so badly to the story of the police in Idaho? 

It didn't seem that bad to me. 

"You sure it's not Jerry?" Dean mumbled to me when Sam and Jody were talking about something else. "As much as me and him don't get along sometimes, I wouldn't want that to of happened." 

The hole in my chest wailed, Dean had pity on his face. 

It was almost _that look._

And it wasn't even directed at me, I didn't even want to imagine what he would look like if he knew it was me. 

"It's not Jerry." 

"Okay, buddy. Have you had the broccoli yet?"

"I don't like broccoli." I scrunched my nose, hoping that the whole subject I'd brought up was dropped for good now. 

"You haven't had Jody's broccoli, I hate the stuff but the way Jody makes it." He put a broccoli in his mouth and I scrunched my nose again. "C'mon try it, one bite." He held his fork up to my mouth. 

I shook my head. 

"Cas, c'mon." He laughed, getting the gravy on my lips. 

I rolled my eyes and opened my mouth so I could have the smallest bite, just to shut him up. 

"No, I still don't like it." I washed it down with some water. 

Dean laughed and put the piece I'd bitten into his mouth and made a show about enjoying it. 

I rolled my eyes and carried on eating the food that I actually did like.

Speaking to Jody was easy, she wasn't like all of the police in Idaho.

I think I liked her.

She hugged me when we were leaving and I hugged her back.

I ignored Dean teasing me calling me Huggy bear the rest of the trip back to Kansas. 

"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really glad that you guys are enjoying this as much as I'm enjoying writing it.  
> Let me know how you find this chapter in the comments, I know it's a little shorter than normal but I think that seeing others reactions to what happened to him in Idaho with the police was important for Cas.   
> Lotta love and a new chapter soon :)   
> (PS. the writers will have to pry 'huggybear' and 'morning sunshine' out of my cold dead hands)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys  
> so this ones a short one because i made the massive mistake of having a drink whilst writing and i've got so tired that i can't carry on tonight ahaha.   
> this one is heavy though.   
> i'm talking heavy.   
> TRIGGER WARNING: Self harm, suicide (of an unknown character don't worry), suicidal thoughts, mental break)   
> I hope you enjoy  
> tomorrow i'm writing this from Deans POV  
> again if you're going through any of the stuff in this chapter please know that you're not alone and please seek out the help that you need.   
> lotta love  
> C

**Castiel's POV**

"Get him in here." I heard Dean sigh and then it was his hands on me instead of Jerry's. 

I tried pulling away but his grip was firm as we tumbled to the ground.

"What the hell do you two keep doing?" Sam asked as Dean held me down on the floor. 

I could hear myself yelling at Dean, see my hands fighting him off me so I could hurt myself. 

I didn't really want to hurt myself again.

But part of me did, part of me knew that if the pain was in my arms and hands then it wouldn't be in my chest anymore.

I'd already had my angel blade taken off me and the weapons were taken off the wall after my episode three days ago. 

I should get a secret knife. 

_No_

_Stop_

But I couldn't stop. 

I couldn't stop fighting Dean either. 

The hole in my chest had taken over my body.

_Again._

"This is the second time this week! Jerry you better start talking." Dean growled, his knee now on my chest. 

I heard myself yelling, I tried to twist so my head would be on the floor and hidden but Dean wouldn't let me move. 

"Jerry no." I gasped, finally finding my own voice for a second. 

"Jerry." Dean growled through gritted teeth, his grip on my wrists tightening. 

"You're friggin' hurting him." Jerry yelled. 

"Better than what he's done himself." Dean huffed. "Cas, listen to me. Stop." He shook my wrists to make his point clear but my arms didn't listen. They carried on trying to fight him off. 

I was vaguely aware that Sam and Jerry left the room. 

"Cas! Fucking stop it! Please!" Dean screamed but the hole in my chest screamed back. 

I was vaguely aware of Sam coming back and taking hold of my legs that were trying to kick Dean's body off mine. 

I heard myself spurting out a string of apologies. 

I wanted to stop. I didn't want my body to be doing this.

But everything hurt so much.

It was so overwhelming. 

Dean's hands let go of my wrists only to quickly put one arm over both of them as they clung to my chest, he held my arms there with just one of his arms. "Cas." He moved his other arm so his hand was on the back of my neck, forcing me to face him. 

I shut my eyes. I didn't want to see his face. I could control my eyes at least. 

"Cas, c'mon. Look at me." 

I shook my head and felt myself kicking Sam's shoulder. 

Sam grunted and held tighter to my ankles. "How much longer? Surely he's gonna tire himself out soon." 

I heard Dean's voice but I couldn't make out the words over me yelling at him to get off me. 

All the pain and hurt that was inside of me was clawing at itself, trying to escape. 

It was making me hurt Sam and Dean. 

I tried twisting away from Dean again. It was no use. 

Suddenly he moved, he let go. 

I finally opened my eyes, Sam was moving from my legs and taking Dean's place, his hands on my arms and his knee on my chest. 

Dean was walking out of the room. 

He was going to leave me. He was done. No. No. No. 

He can't do this. 

Dean please. Not again. 

"No!" I screamed trying to move my hands but Sam stopped me quickly. "Get off me!"

"Cas." Sam bent his head down in front of mine, not before I saw Dean leaving. "Cas, can you hear me? It's Sam." 

The hole in my chest was spreading, it was tearing at everything I had. 

I felt the hot tears streaming down my cheeks, they burned. I needed to stop the burning but Sam's grip stopped me from moving.

Didn't he understand that it was hurting?

I thought he cared? 

Sam's hand was over my mouth then. 

"Stop it! Just please, stop!" 

**Control your emotions, Castiel**

I was trying. 

I was trying to pull everything back inside but it was leaking so much, it was spilling all over everything and it was hurting. I just wanted it to stop. 

Why wouldn't it stop? When would it stop? 

"How's he doing?" I heard Dean's voice. 

He came back. 

What did that mean? 

Sam wasn't on top of me like I thought he was, not anymore. 

I was lay on the floor, Sam was kneeling, my head and shoulders in his lap, my hands wrapped around my chest, his hands on my wrists. 

"Tired." Sam sighed. "You doing okay?"

"Yeah, just great." Dean was clearly lying. "I can take over, Jerry's given me an earful and I'm guessing you're next." 

I could feel the blanket approaching my chest. 

_no no no no no no no_

Not again. 

I couldn't do this again. 

I shoved Sam's hands away from me and tried to claw the blanket away as if it wasn't just my mind making things up. 

"Dammit Cas." I heard Dean. 

The blanket didn't stop. 

Cursing myself for wishing for the pain to stop, I'd basically asked for this to happen. 

I was barely aware of Dean moving me around until he had my arms pinned.

I was still on the floor. 

Dean's legs were pinning my legs to the floor, my full upper body was leaning between his legs, I could feel his chin in my hair. His arms wrapped around my shoulders, my hands stuck in between his arms and my chest. 

I didn't struggle, the blanket was firmly in place now.

I wanted to scream and burst into another fit of tears. Get drunk, talk to Dean, tell him how sorry I was for doing this again. I wanted to tell him I would leave, I would't bother him anymore. I wanted to stand up and sink into bed and stay there forever. I wanted to be okay. I wanted to take my own life. But even though I wanted to do all of those things, all I could do was stare at the wall in silence. 

_I'd seen suicides before, one angel._

_The only angel to of ever do it. A good soldier. Stabbed himself in battle to be a distraction._

_It worked._

_Heaven was shook after that._

_We were always taught that it was a sin to harm our fathers creations and that included ourselves. But then how did that make sense when we would battle?_

_Zachariah had told me to stop bothering him when I raised it in my youth._

_I'd seen multiple human suicides._

_I'd never understood why they did it._

_I began understanding after the war with Raphael, I was concerned that if I went to Heaven that I might kill myself just like humans and the one angel did. But that feeling was nothing compared to now._

_I felt it every day with more and more urgency._

_Like it was a need._

_I shivered as I placed my coat on the body._

_It was a man who slept outside._

_I'd seen him a few times as I looked through dumpsters, he would always nod to me like he knew who I was even though we both knew that he didn't. He had two deep-_

_I squeezed my eyes shut, my stomach turning._

_But I was trying to understand my jealousy._

_He was probably warm even though he lay on the cold floor with holes in his shoes and thin clothing on his body._

_He probably didn't feel the hole in his chest anymore._

_He probably had a smile on his face in his Heaven._

_I longed to be in his position awfully, I longed to be at peace even if I didn't deserve it and I would not get it._

_I made sure my coat was firmly around his shoulders even though I knew it wouldn't do anything. It barely did anything to warm me up so it didn't seem like much of a waste to leave it with a dead man._

_He would be at peace._

_He deserved to be warm and be taken care of._

_I didn't._

Dean wasn't speaking either. At least that was a comfort. Kind of. 

The blanket took less time to pick apart than last time, I didn't know how long it had been. Long enough for Dean to not need to go to the bathroom. But I could feel little tears at the edges of the blanket. 

But it wasn't like last time. Last time the blanket came away and I carried on having a bad day. 

But I could feel that the blanket was slipping but I was carrying on having my episode. 

It was still a worse day. 

I wanted to put the blanket back in place, at least until tomorrow but it was too late. 

The hole in my chest was spilling over at the exposed edges. 

"Dean." I heard that my voice was shaky. 

"Yeah?" He whispered. 

"It's starting again." I gulped. 

Dean sighed. "I got you." I was sure I felt him kiss my hair but I couldn't be sure. 

"It hurts." I gasped as the blanket was being pulled off faster. 

"I know.I'm here." Dean mumbled. 

I gasped as the blanket was ripped off. I tried to stay as still as possible. I tried to stay as quiet as possible. 

Knowing myself like I did, I probably failed again.

"I'm sorry." I said through gritted teeth. 

Was I in bed now? 

Had Dean left again?

Come back.

I needed him. 

Please. 

"Hey buddy, that you?" Dean's voice filled my ears. 

Opening my eyes I could see that he was sat at my desk. 

"Who else would it be?" I tilted my head. 

Dean smiled weakly and stood up, coming to sit down on the edge of my bed. "Is it over?" He reached over and wiped the tears that were still flowing from my eyes. 

"I-I think so." I squeezed my eyes shut, Dean's hand stayed on my face. 

"You gonna tell me what happened?" He asked. 

"I-I thought that if-f I-"

Images of Rexford and Nora's house filled my mind.

Then the Gas'n'Sip.

Then the store room. 

The park. 

I shook my head and opened my eyes. "A-ask Jerry." 

"Cas, I want you to listen to me okay? I know you're outta your episode now but it looks like it's another really bad day huh?"

I nodded, moving my head so his hand fell, I wiped my face with the fluffy blanket. "I don't wanna upset you any more, but I just-I can't keep seeing you like this, not when I know that you're doing something that's making it happen." 

"I did-didn't-didn't mean to-o." I felt my hands shaking as I spoke. 

"Just-please. Tell me what you were doing? What made you get like that? I gotta hear it from you, buddy. Not Jerry. Not Sam. You. I've never seen you like that-" He sighed. 

"I'm sorry." I leaned my head back, trying to stop the tears from streaming down my cheeks. 

"I know." Dean swallowed. "I know that Cas. You did this a few days ago, why're you putting yourself through it? What's so important?" 

"I-I-" I groaned in frustration at my inability to speak. 

"Sam's bringing you some water and then we're gonna get you cleaned up. But Cas? I need to know what's going on now. It's too much." 

I shook my head violently. "Can't." 

Did he mean _everything_ or just today and three days ago with my last episode? I'd tell him I'd tried to go to Rexford, I couldn't tell him _everything_. 

"I-I'm scared, D-Dean." I stammered, feeling my heart pounding against the hole in my chest, bile rising in my throat. 

"What are you so scared of?" He pulled me by the back of my neck so I was crying into his shoulder. 

"L-losing you, yo-you're not gonna w-want me i-if I can't g-get ov-ver it." I stammered, feeling Dean's hand in my hair falter before carrying on. 

"When will you understand?" Dean's grip around my waist tightened, his hand in my hair not stroking anymore, just holding my head to his shoulder. "I want you on all of your days, good, bad, really bad. Even during the damn episodes. I want you on the days that you can't make yourself move or get outta bed. I want you on the days that you're just so happy because we're just driving around in the car listening to my crappy tapes and you don't know the words but you've got that dumb smile on your face. I even want you on the days that you make me so mad that I wanna rip my damn hair out. I want you on the days that you have me laughing so hard I think my ribs will break. It's just you, Cas. I want you. Why can't you understand that?" 

**He's lying so you don't hurt yourself again**

I felt more tears falling as a sob ripped through my chest, my fingers clutched to his shirt. He started to stroke my hair again, rocking us side to side. 

"Jerry wouldn't tell me much, Cas. He just said you were both driving somewhere. Where?" 

I shook my head. 

"Please, Cas." Dean's voice cracked. 

Maybe he does care, maybe he wasn't lying. 

**He doesn't. He was**

"N-Nora." I whispered. 

"Nora? Idaho?" 

I nodded into his shoulder. 

"Cas, you know what happened last time you went there." 

"I know." I pulled away from him, wiping my face. 

"Please don't go again, don't put yourself through it." 

There was a knock on the door. Dean stood up and kissed my hair, I knew he really did this time. "Sam's coming in for a bit. I'll be back to clean you up in ten minutes, I promise." 

I nodded. 

Sam walked inside then with a plate of food and a bottle of water.

I shook my head and pulled the whiskey bottle from under my bed. 

"Cas-" Sam started. 

I ignored him and opened it, starting to drink. 

The taste of whiskey mixed with the saltiness of tears was surprising. 

Sam snatched the bottle away and put it on my desk, putting the water in my hands. 

"Drink." 

"No." 

"Drink." He said again, firmer. 

"No." I matched his tone but I doubted it was as effective with the state I was in. 

I kicked the covers back and gasped as I saw the state of myself. 

I was just in jeans and one of Dean's t-shirts he'd given to me, the long sleeves green one but the sleeves were rolled up. I saw all the blood that was stained on my arms. The bruises and cuts on my knuckles. 

The bruises and cuts on my knuckles matched Sam's busted lip and the bruise on his forehead. 

I drank the water he gave me with no further argument. 

Sam sat down beside me on the bed, leaving the food on my desk. "What's going on, man?" 

"I hurt you." I mumbled. 

"Yeah, a little bit." He sighed. "It's okay. I'll heal." 

"Will I?" I asked. 

He knew I wasn't talking about the blood on my arms. 

"Of course you will." He didn't miss a breath. 

**Liar**

My eyebrows furrowed. "Dean left before." I tried to organise my thoughts. 

"Yeah, you told him to." Sam said softly. 

"I didn't." I defended. 

Sam sighed. "You don't remember half of what happened do you?" 

"I remember." I tilted my head, still looking at my arms.

Sam nodded but he clearly didn't believe me. 

I was sure I'd remember if I'd told Dean to leave. 

I'd wanted to hurt Dean as much as he'd hurt me by telling him to leave like he'd told me but I couldn't be so cruel. 

Not to him. 

Not Dean. 

"Cas?" Sam waved his hand in front of my face. 

I looked up from my arms. 

"I thought you spaced out again there." He smiled softly.

"He's coming back right?" My voice was raspy. 

_I'll be back to clean you up in ten minutes, I promise_

**He promised he'd call**

If I'd sent him away during my episode he might not want to come back. I felt my heart beating in my throat. I wouldn't survive it again. I was barely surviving today. 

"Course he's coming back, he's gone to get some bandages for you." Sam took the blanket and put it over my arms again. 

"And you?" I looked at his face. 

I'd done that. 

Sam shook his head. 

"Don't flatter yourself, just a couple bruises." He shrugged. 

"I didn't mean to." I tried to sound as sincere as I could. 

He knew I was sorry. 

He had to know I didn't want to hurt him. 

I didn't want to hurt anyone. 

Ever. 

But especially not Sam and Dean. 

And Jerry of course. 

Where was Jerry?

"I know, Cas." Sam sighed and stood up when he heard a knock on the door. 

He went to my desk as Dean came in, I was sure Sam took a drink from my whiskey. 

"Still with us, Cas?" Dean asked, pulling the desk chair up to my bed and sitting down. 

**You wish you weren't**

I nodded weakly as Dean pulled the covers back and took my right arm in his, starting to wash away the blood with a wash cloth. 

"Jesus Cas, what did you do these on?" He sighed. 

I shrugged. 

I didn't know how I'd bled so much. 

Jerry might know. 

Where was Jerry? 

"He's next door having a nap." Dean mumbled as if he'd read my mind. 

"Is he okay?" I asked. 

"He's fine." 

"Are you okay?" 

Dean forced out a breathy laugh. "Always am. Other arm?" 

I moved my left arm from my chest and replaced it with my right, giving him my left arm now. 

Dean worked quietly and gently, Sam ended up sitting beside me handing me the bottle of water every now and then. 

I managed to stop crying after he started to bandage my arms. 

All I could do was stare at the wall when he started to clean my knuckles. I only had bloody knuckles because I'd been hitting him and Sam. I tried not to let the hole in my chest be affected but of course it ached and ached at the mere thought of hurting Sam and Dean. 

I flinched when I remembered all of Dean's corpses with Naomi. 

"You okay?" Dean asked. 

"No." I sighed, letting him work at my knuckles again. 

"Yeah." He mumbled, wrapping them up. "Sam's gonna stay with you tonight. Is that okay?" 

I nodded quickly. 

There would be no point arguing that I would be okay when I knew that they wouldn't believe me anyway. 

I'd spent a week in my room, only leaving to shower and eat. 

I was never alone. 

Whenever Jerry stayed with me I'd work on my letter to Nora. 

It was clear that Jerry and I weren't allowed to go to Idaho and I didn't want to get that bad again so I agreed to stay inside the bunker. 

Finally I'd finished it. 

It took the entire week and it was messy with crossing it out and I didn't have the energy to rewrite it, it would most likely take another week and I wanted to get rid of it now before Sam or Dean could see it, Jerry had been taking it back home with him every night and bringing it back when he'd come back to the bunker after work or the soup kitchen. 

_Nora,_

_It's ~~Castiel.~~ Steve. _

~~_I know that it's been a long time._ ~~ _I'm aware it's been a while since we spoke on the phone._

_I would of called you but my phone was ~~broken~~ lost. _

_I hope that you and Tanya are well._

~~_My reason for writing is_ ~~ ~~~~ _I wanted to write to you because I needed to ~~thank~~_ ~~~~ _apologise to you for lying when I left._

~~_Sam_ ~~ _My cousin that I told you was sick and that I needed to be there, he wasn't sick and he's not exactly my cousin_

_. ~~He was just.~~_ _It's difficult to explain._

_My friends needed me to come back and help and I ~~can't~~ ~~won't~~ can't lose them again. _

_You ~~should know~~_ _need to know how much you ~~saved~~_ _helped me when I ~~was~~_ _lived ~~out~~_ _in Idaho._

_You gave me a job at the Gas'n'Sip and I know that there were better people for the job than me but you picked me._

_I t ~~hink~~_ _know that if it wasn't for you then I wouldn't be ~~alive~~_ _okay._

_But I am okay now._

_I hope that you're not ~~angry~~ upset with me for not coming back to Idaho to at least explain. I tried ~~once~~ t ~~wice~~ three times_

_and I couldn't do it. I wanted to come and speak to you in person, I've been finding writing this very difficult. I can't be in Idaho. I'm sorry._

_I hope that you forgive me for my lies to you, none of them were meant to hurt you._

_You were the only person who showed me any kindness when I was living in Idaho and I can't think of right ~~words to thank you~~ way to repay you, you deserve so much, I didn't deserve your help but you gave it to me. _

_I wouldn't of made it without you._

_You saw something that no one else did._

_I'd like to know if you're willing to keep in contact. I have a new phone now. I'd like to explain why I left so suddenly._

_I understand if you don't want to._

_My phone number will be on the back of this ~~apology~~ letter. _

_In case you don't want to stay in contact,_

_Thank you for everything from the ~~top~~ bottom of my heart. _

~~_Castiel_ ~~

_Steve_

"Happy with it?" Jerry asked. 

I nodded. "It's the best I can do." 

"I'll post it after I finish at work tomorrow." He promised. 

"Thank you." 

There was a knock on the door. 

Jerry shoved the letter into his coat pocket and told whoever it was to come in. 

Dean. 

"Hey." He smiled at us both. "Dinner in five, Cas you eating?" 

"Please." 

"Good, it's spaghetti, that okay?" 

"Of course." I nodded. 

Dean closed the door again. 

"What's going on with you two?" Jerry asked. 

I tilted my head. "Do you think he's angry?" I asked. 

Jerry shook his head. "I think he's worried. But I mean you both, what's going on there?" 

I sighed, I was used to this question. 

I'd heard it countless times from my brothers and sisters before-

"We're just friends." I rolled my eyes. 

Jerry snorted. "Yeah, you look at each other a little too long to be 'just friends'." 

I scowled. "Dean and I have been through a lot together. It's not like that." I huffed and stood up, making my way to the library where Dean was putting the plates of spaghetti on the table. 

"Just in time." He grinned. 

I tilted my head at him, did we look at each other for too long? 

I'd never thought so. 

I didn't think he thought so either otherwise he would of said something I was sure. 

Jerry was probably just trying to tease and lighten my mood. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys  
> hope it wasn't too bad despite being so short.   
> I'm working on Dean's POV for this chapter tomorrow, it'll be a short one too but there will be a big chunky chapter coming soon. i'm constantly amazed by how much i've written in such a short space of time ahaha.  
> anyway i think it's important to get a pov from Dean for this chapter as so much of what happened cas wasn't coherent for even if he thought he was, a lot of stuff clearly went down during this chapter.   
> i hope you enjoyed, let me know if you did!   
> new chapter soon, lotta love :)


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys  
> thank you for your lovely comments  
> this is the dean pov chapter so the same warnings as the last chapter   
> hope you all enjoy  
> lotta love :)

**Dean's POV**

Waiting for Jerry to show up with Cas was a nightmare, I knew Cas was up to something again. 

He was a freaking terrible liar and the way he said he was going out with Jerry for a few days was just clearly a lie. 

Why didn't I stop him? 

I tapped my phone on the table. 

"How's he having _another_ episode?" Sam said for what must of been the fifth time now. "I mean it's his second this week, he had one last Friday as well. What the hell are him and Jerry doing?"

"How long?" I grit my teeth, I'd heard Cas freaking out on the phone, Jerry almost crashing the damn car as he drove them back here. 

"GPS on Jerry's phone says they're fifteen minutes away." Sam muttered. 

Not fast enough. 

"I'm waiting in his room." I pushed out of the chair and made my way to Cas' room. 

I'd already made sure he had nothing he could hurt himself with, all of his weapons and anything else sharp had been in my room for days. 

But still I did more checks, all I found were a few pens. 

They went to my room. 

I decided to let him keep the whiskey under his bed, I'd be having some of that when he went to sleep probably. 

I heard the commotion of Cas and Jerry arriving, Cas was screaming at Jerry to let go of him.

Definitely having the whiskey when Cas finally slept. 

Waiting at the door was hard, I wanted to march right over to the bangs and crashes of them getting Cas here and grab Cas, throw him in his room and tie him down so he couldn't hurt himself. 

But that wouldn't help. 

I'd even debated the damn dungeon at one point. 

Seeing his face as they walked down the hall felt like a punch to the gut. 

His sleeves were rolled up and his arms were just covered in blood, dried and fresh. 

His eyes were red rimmed, tear streaks down his cheeks. 

Terrified. 

He was throwing himself at the walls trying to loosen Jerry's grip on him, Sam was holding doors. 

Why wasn't Sam holding him?

Sam's stronger. 

"Leave me alone!" Cas screeched when Sam tried to pull Cas away from the wall. 

That's why. 

"Get him in here." I sighed and shoved Jerry's hands away, trying to ignore Cas yelling out when I had hold of him. 

Cas thrashed and yelled, kicking at my legs, looking at his face it didn't even look like he knew it was me. 

"C'mon, Cas. Bedtime." I grunted as he elbowed me in the ribs. 

"Stop!" He hollered kicking my legs again, his foot caught the back of my knee and we fell to the floor near the bed. 

"What the hell do you two keep doing?" I heard Sam yell at Jerry as I tried to keep a good grip on Cas on the floor. 

"Get off me! Let go!" Cas yelled, swinging his one free arm around as I tried to catch it and also keep his body still. 

"It's been a couple hours." Jerry sighed. "I tried to-I couldn't get him to stop." 

"Clearly." Sam snapped. 

"For fuck sake. Look at me! It's Dean. I'm not gonna hurt you." I tried to get his eyes on me but they were looking around the room wildly, not taking anything in clearly. 

"You already hurt me." Cas growled and got an arm free from my hold, hitting his arm against the bed post so hard that the frame shook. 

His breathing became calmer for a second as he stared at the extra damage he'd just done to his already bloody arm.

I bit my lip. 

He doesn't know what he's saying. 

He doesn't know. 

He doesn't know. 

I grit my teeth and caught his arm again, resting my knee on his chest. 

His breathing went right back to frantic gulps of air, trying his damn hardest to get me off him. 

Cas' eyes moved to the wall where I'd put the knives and guns. 

"Get a knife. Secret." He muttered. 

"No." I pulled his face away from the wall so he was looking at me. "Stop it." 

He didn't seem to take in what I'd said at all, his eyes going to my hands that were above his head, holding his wrists. 

He tried swinging his arm down to the bed post again, I moved us so it was my arm instead.

"Son of a bitch." I grunted, the force of the blow rattling my arm all the way to my shoulder. I grit my teeth and tried to force his arm down to his body. 

"Can't stop." Cas whined in the back of his throat, his leg pounding on the floor as he tried to get out from under me. 

Why was he even like this? 

It only happened once every few weeks but three times in 10 days. 

I wasn't taking it. 

"This is the second time this week! Jerry you better start talking." I growled, I didn't even know if him and Sam were still in the room, they'd been silent. 

I whipped my head around to see them both. 

Both of them were stood by the door just staring wide eyed at the scene in front of them. 

I'd be stood there whilst someone else dealt with Cas if I could. 

I'd be right beside them watching Cas fall apart from six feet away instead of watching him up close and personal, seeing exactly which emotions were on his face. 

"He told me not to tell you." Jerry sighed. 

Cas twisted hard and squeezed his eyes shut, my knee almost slipping off his chest. I pressed him to the floor harder, holding his arms in place.

"Don't wanna see you." Cas shouted out, a sob breaking through him when he realised he couldn't move.

"Jerry, no." He gasped and for a minute I saw Cas. 

My secret keeping idiotic best friend having a freaking mental break still trying to keep his damn secret with Jerry. 

"Jerry." I grit my teeth.

Cas tried moving from my grip again, I gripped harder. 

He whined and tried again. "Dean. Let go-o-o." Cas wailed. 

"You're friggin' hurting him!" Jerry shouted. 

I looked behind me at Jerry who was looking green in the face. I felt the familiar rage rising through my body, I tried to keep my hands wrapped around Cas' wrists instead of letting go and just hitting him back like the anger in me wanted me to. I didn't want to hurt him, that was the last thing I wanted to do.

But to be freaking accused of hurting him now?

When I was the one holding down Cas whilst he fell apart? 

And Jerry just stood there and watched? 

I was hurting him? 

Me. 

Yeah, okay. 

I was the one who'd been throwing him against walls and cutting up his arms and hands. 

That was all me. 

"Better than what he's done himself." I tried to contain my anger and not scream at Jerry for letting him get this bad before bringing him here. "Cas, listen to me. Stop."

I shook his wrists to get his attention but he just fought against me harder, yelling louder. 

At least he wasn't yelling words at me anymore. 

Just shouts and whines. 

"Sam, can I talk to you? I-" Jerry's voice was being drowned out by Cas' yelling, for a moment I was glad we were at least in the bunker and not in a damn motel.

"Dean, you okay on your own for a sec?" Sam asked. 

"Yeah, I got him." I bit my lip at the strain of keeping him down, the arm that had been hit on the bed post throbbing. 

"They're leaving me." Cas pushed against my arms, almost breaking my hold. "Why's everyone hate me?" 

"They don't. None of us hate you." I tried to catch his eyes but it wasn't him talking.

Cas wasn't there. 

"Y-you hate m-m-me, Dean." He was shaking under me now, more flood of tears coming down his face. 

I felt the familiar prick in my eyes, I blinked the tears away. 

Cas needed me to be strong for him now, it wouldn't work if both of us were just crying on the damn floor. 

"I'll never hate you, Cas." I sighed, gripping him tighter, swallowing down the bile when I felt some blood running on to my fingers. 

"Why do you get to be okay?" He wept. "Why do you get to be okay?" He pushed against me and groaned low in his chest.

"You broke me. You broke me. You broke me." His voice cracked and was higher than Jimmy Novak's had been.

Cas was staring right at me now, his eyes trained on mine and I knew he wasn't lying. 

It was right there in his damn eyes, the hurt and the pain. 

I did break him, _clearly_. 

My heart broke at him admitting it. 

He carried on his little mantra, each time he said it it got more and more frantic, more and more cut up and jagged. 

"Cas! Fucking stop it! Please!" I screamed, I knew I couldn't let myself get upset about his words so apparently my brain thought it would be okay to get angry and scream in his face. 

God, he didn't deserve me screaming at him when he was like this. 

He needed someone to just comfort him, not hurt him, no, break him even more. 

Cas screamed back, his legs moving on from kicking the floor and started kicking at my side instead. 

"Y-yo-you-u f-fucking br-broke me." He wailed. "Why?" 

"Dammit, Cas." I felt the tears spilling from my eyes. Clearly my anger wasn't winning, not when Cas was looking at me like that. 

"Sam get the hell in here!" I yelled, tearing my eyes away from Cas'. 

Sam took his sweet time, letting Cas say seven more of his wicked new motto, each time he said it felt like a slap in the face. 

"What's he saying?"

"The truth." I grit my teeth. "Just hold his legs. I can't keep hold if he carries on kicking like that." 

"I'm sorry." Cas wailed. "Sorry. Sorry. Sorry." 

He was getting frantic again. 

"Cas!" Sam yelled, gripping his legs. "Calm down! You're safe. It's us. You're in the bunker." 

"Dean's gonna-He's wants me away. You can't st-stay." He thrashed against Sam. 

"You can't stay. You can't stay." Cas kept swinging his head from side to side. "No-not Kansas." 

"Cas, please." I tried to catch his eye again but he was staring at the ceiling, sobbing so hard I was surprised he wasn't choking. He was hitting his head against the floor, the sound of his skull bouncing off the floor was making the bile rise back up in my throat. I let go of his wrists and quickly moved so my good arm was over them, hopefully he wouldn't realise and throw me off. I moved so I had my hand under his neck.

"Cas." I tried again, maybe if I said his name enough he'd snap out of this. 

Not that it had ever worked before. 

But he'd never said so much during an episode, it was usually just a lot of crying and apologising.

A lot of screaming and holding his chest. 

This was different. 

I moved his head so he was facing me but he squeezed his eyes shut. 

"Cas, c'mon. Look at me." I begged. 

He shook his head and jolted. 

I heard Sam grunt so I guessed he'd kicked him. 

"How much longer? Surely he's gonna tire himself out soon." 

Cas screamed again trying to wriggle his way out of my grip. 

"Get off!" He hollered. "I'm okay! I'm okay!" 

"Jerry said it's already been two hours in the car, the longest one lasted three." I muttered. 

"I DON'T WANT YOU. LET GO!" Cas screeched. "JUST GET OUT." 

My breathing stopped completely.

Like Cas had just run me over with a damn train. 

"YOU'RE GONNA BREAK ME AGAIN. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE." 

"I-I can't do this, Sammy." I heard my voice shaking as I looked at the unbearable pain in Cas' eyes as he twisted under my knee and my arm.

There was nothing else there. 

Just pure pain.

"He doesn't mean any of it." Sam let go of Cas' legs and Cas seemed to stop moving his legs at least but his upper body was shaking violently. 

Was that fear? Was he scared of us? Of me?

"Dean go away!" Cas sobbed and shut his eyes again. "I can't-I can't d-do it." 

"He fucking means it, l-look at him." I tried to blink back the tears but more kept on coming. 

He means it. 

He fucking means it. 

"Just leave me with him for a bit, I can handle it." Sam grabbed at Cas' arms and replaced my knee with his. 

"I can't just leave him." I wiped my eyes quickly. 

"You broke me. Y-you broke me. Nev-v-Never e-even told me w-why." Cas started up twisting the knife in my gut again. "H-hurts more not knowin-g why."

_Cas I'm so fucking sorry_

"Just come back in a few minutes, check on Jerry." Sam sighed when Cas' arm got free and punched him in the forehead. 

Sam quickly caught his wrist again and pulled Cas half into his lap, his arms around him so his arms were trapped. 

"Cas, stop." He soothed. 

"Dean doesn't-" 

I didn't want to hear what he had to say. 

I stormed out of the room, slamming the door. 

"No!" Cas howled from the room. "Get off me!" 

I blinked away the tears and moved quickly through the bunker so I wouldn't hear him. 

The library seemed like a safe bet. 

Why was he like that?

He'd never actually spoken about anything much during his episodes.

But there was something different.

The pure terror and pain in his eyes shook my bones more than the bed post did. 

Before I knew what I was doing three chairs and two lamps were destroyed, the table had three legs now. 

I couldn't even enjoy it, I felt the exact same. 

Like I hadn't just broken ancient furniture. 

What was the point if Cas thought I hated him? 

How could he even think that?

"Dammit Cas." I groaned and fell to my knees, I tried closing my eyes but all I could see was his damn face, all I could hear was him telling me how much I broke him and how I'd hurt him. 

"How is he?" Jerry came into the library. 

"You need to tell me exactly why he's like that, now!" I stood up and pushed Jerry against the wall with my arm. 

To my surprise Jerry glared up at me. "You. You did that."

"He's like that because you threw him out you dick. He's never gonna be over it. Never. So if you're gonna throw him out again at least don't buy him a damn bus ticket and drive him there so you know he's gone. Drive him to my place. Let him know at least one person will look out for him this time." 

"I-I had no choice." I let go of him, turning away. 

I felt sick hearing about the damn bus ticket. 

_It's okay, I understand_

With that look of pure confusion and hurt clearly telling me that it wasn't okay and that he didn't understand. 

That was printed in my brain forever, I didn't need a damn replay of that. 

Not tonight. 

Jerry grabbed my shoulder and pushed me so I was facing him again. 

I moved my hands so they were pressed tight against my legs, it would hurt Cas if I hit Jerry. 

I wouldn't hurt Cas like that. 

Not again. 

"You had no choice but to make Cas feel like you hated him? You had no choice when you never called him? You had no choice when you didn't even tell him why you were doing it? You had no choice when you threw him out with no back up with every single angel on Earth after him? Everyone he'd ever known hated him and wanted him dead and you made him think that you and Sam did too. But you had no choice?" Jerry roared. "Forgive me, I had no idea that being a decent human being was so difficult." 

Each 'question' made me shrink lower and lower until I felt like I was barely three feet tall. It felt like Jerry of all people was towering over me, he was shorter than Cas not by much but that still meant he was way smaller than me. But right now he might as well be a freaking giant sat on his high horse. 

"Stop!" I gripped the sides of my head. 

His words rushing around and around. 

I wanted to punch him in his damn face but I couldn't. 

He was right. 

All of it. 

I'd done that. 

I'd seen Cas, he said he was fine. He was doing okay. A little on the skinnier side but I guessed that was just his adjusting. He wasn't being attacked by any dick angels apart from one but he handled it. He was okay when I saw him. 

"He was okay. I saw him." I argued weakly. 

Jerry bit out a laugh. "He says he's okay now. His definition of 'okay' is a little off don't you think?"

"I-I never wanted this-" I clenched my fists. "He's my-I just- I needed Sam to-Cas is family okay? I'm trying to fix it." 

"You treat all your family like that?" Jerry snapped. "Think yourself lucky I even brought him here, God knows he didn't want me to."

I stared blankly. 

Why wouldn't he bring Cas home? What was his problem? 

Apart from knowing how shit I treated Cas last year, apparently it was worse than I originally thought too. 

"He begged me to just keep him in the car until it stopped, he didn't want to see you disappointed. You're literally his whole damn world and I don't know why. But you are and he's terrified of you hating him again. I-I didn't know what to do. You and Sam say he's part of your family but I'll bet if 'you had no choice' again you'd make the same choice. And what's that gonna do? It'll kill that angel in there. He won't survive it again."

"I never-I just-no I wouldn't-" I struggled, wiping my eyes, having no choice but to listen to Jerry. 

My arms hung heavy at my sides, I wanted to punch him until he stopped talking but my arms felt like weights. 

I couldn't move. 

Glued to the spot. 

"He won't ever believe I'm not gonna do it again will he?" 

Jerry shook his head. "Never." 

"Cos I broke him, right?" I grit out. 

I broke Cas. 

I broke an angel.

I broke my best friend in the entire world.

I broke Castiel. 

And I could never fix him. 

"He says you didn't. But I see the way he looks at you, you did it." 

"I'll never do it again." I promised, running a hand over my face before pushing past him to get to the kitchen. 

"It's not me you gotta convince man." Jerry sighed as I knocked back the whiskey. 

"Is this why you've had a problem with me for so long huh?" I poured myself another glass and knocked that back just as fast. 

"Basically." Jerry nodded and poured himself one. "I just-I can't see him like that. He's-" 

"Yeah." I pressed my lips into a thin line. 

I was having a hard time seeing Cas like this and I was way more used to it than Jerry was. 

"Me and Sammy can handle him." 

"You hurt him again-" 

"I'll give you a gun so you can shoot me yourself, don't worry." I shook my head. 

"I was thinking a knife. Hurts for longer." Jerry's lips formed a small smile. 

I rolled my eyes. "Don't get why Cas likes you so much, you're a real dick." 

Jerry shrugged. "Just go and help him. As much as I _hate_ to admit it, he needs you." 

I nodded and headed back, giving Jerry the whiskey bottle. 

Not hearing Cas shouting concerned me but as I got closer I could still hear him crying quietly, Sam's muffled voice. 

I waited outside of the door for a few minutes. 

I needed to prepare myself for seeing Cas like that again. 

Around every thirty seconds there would be some shuffling and a shout or whine from Cas and then Sam's voice again. 

My hands were shaking as I opened the door. 

"How's he doing?" I asked. 

They were still in the middle of the floor, Sam kneeling with Cas' upper body leaning on his knees, his hands were tight around Cas' wrists which were pressed to his chest. 

Cas stared blankly ahead, tears still flowing, bottom lip quivering. 

It broke my damn heart all over again. 

"Tired." Sam sighed and looked over at me, his eyes were red rimmed too. No doubt Cas had been saying stuff to him too. 

"You doing okay?" He asked. 

"Yeah, just great." I lied, trying not to look at how broken my two favourite people looked, crumpled up together on the floor. "I can take over, Jerry's given me an earful and I'm guessing you're next." 

Jerry probably wouldn't yell at Sam but Sam looked like he needed a break from this. 

This was my fault. 

I'd fix it. 

Cas somehow managed to shove Sam's hands away and yelled out, his eyes frantic again. 

His hands were clawing at his chest, screaming 'no' at himself over and over again. 

Thank God he had a damn shirt on because I guessed he'd be drawing blood he was scratching so hard. 

"Dammit Cas." I sighed as Sam ripped his hands away from his chest. 

I made my way over and took Cas' wrists off Sam and sitting down, pulling Cas in between my legs and leaning on the end of the bed frame.

Cas struggled against me, and shouted that he wanted me to go away but I grit my teeth and stuck him to me like glue, pinning his legs down with my own. 

I was hoping he was getting ready to calm down when I'd walked in. 

It had been way over three hours now but he wasn't showing any usual signs of stopping. 

I let my chin rest on his head. 

"I got you, man. You're safe." I tried soothing. 

"It's-It's gonna. No. No. No." Cas babbled, trying to move his hands more but I pressed them tight so they were just balled up fists against his chest. "You gotta stop hurting yourself." I sighed. 

"Are you sure you'll be okay with him?" Sam asked, wiping his face. 

"Yeah, just go." I nodded. "I'll shout you if I need you." 

"Why's it coming back?" Cas struggled against me again, pushing his head back to my chest, clearly trying to hurt me but his movements were sluggish and slow. 

"What's coming back?" I asked slowly.

"The-the blanket. I d-don't want it." 

My mind flashed back to Cas in those damn white hospital scrubs from when he went crazy. 

It sounded like that again. 

I shook my head and gripped him tighter, I couldn't let him go down that road again. 

I'd stay sat here taking hits and his horrible chanting if I had to.

But Cas stopped moving, he was barely even breathing. 

Still as a rock under me. Staring at the wall in front of us. 

But he was clearly falling apart on the inside. 

His heart beat was rapid. 

I sighed and loosened my grip a little, my arm throbbing. 

The only time he moved was when he started shivering, but he was red hot. 

But his teeth were chattering, his breathing shallow. 

I pressed him closer to me, not trusting him enough so I could let go of him and grab a blanket. 

"I wanna be like him." He whispered. 

"Who?" I asked. 

"The man who sleeps outside." His voice was shaky. "I don't deserve it." 

What the hell was that supposed to mean? 

"Cas? What do you mean?" But Cas' eyes were glazed over when I craned my neck to look around. 

He didn't answer so I didn't speak again. 

I was worried that if I spoke he would start screaming and hitting again. 

That was the last thing I wanted. 

* * *

I knew where I recognised this from. 

When we sat for hours and hours in the library, in the comfy chairs and Cas just looked so numb. 

He didn't say a damn word after telling me that he didn't want to do anything. 

His eyes were glazed over just like they were now, not even any tears in them. 

He didn't fight against me. 

Cas wasn't feeling anything again. 

I squeezed him tighter to me. 

"I'm here, Cas." I whispered, resting my chin in his hair. 

I couldn't believe how broken he was now and how much of it was my doing. 

I didn't think. 

Cas has always been _fine._

He never let anything get to him as an angel, the minute he started feeling too much Heaven would scoop him up and reset him.

I'd seen it happen plenty of times. 

But then it stopped working.

I broke the connection. 

He hadn't been reset in years. 

This was all him. 

And now he had a soul trying to sort his mess out but his grace wasn't letting it. 

He was clearly stuck in between the two extremes, today more than ever. 

The intense and unbearable pain that I caused. 

And being an angel, a statue. Emotionless. 

I didn't know which one hurt the most but I knew I couldn't let go of him. 

He was safe from everything here. 

Safe from himself. 

Safe from his dick angel siblings. 

Safe from demons. 

Safe from monsters. 

Safe from everything apart from me. 

He started to move again after a while, his breathing became a little more staggered, a whine escaping from his throat every few minutes.

His arms trying to break free. 

"Dean." He managed to whisper, his head leaning back on my chest. I could see his tears had started up again, following the path of the tear streaks. 

"Yeah?" I whispered back. 

He swallowed. "It's staring again." 

I sighed, gripping his shoulders a little tighter. "I got you." 

_You're literally his whole damn world and I don't know why. But you are and he's terrified of you hating him again._

I leaned down and kissed his hair, my eyes closing and probably getting tears in his hair. 

He didn't react so I doubted he even felt it. 

"It hurts." Cas whimpered. 

"I know. I'm here." I mumbled into his hair. 

I let myself open my eyes when he started to thrash around again. 

"Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry." Cas was shaking his head from side to side, the only part of his body I was letting him move. 

"Cas, you gotta calm down. You're safe okay. You're _home._ With me. Sam and Jerry are here too. You hear me?" 

"Ho-home?" Cas' voice sounded strained, like he was choking. 

"Yeah, buddy. Home. At the bunker." 

"D-don't deserve a home." 

"Don't say that, Cas. Course you deserve a home." I tightened my grip again, if he wasn't an angel I'd be scared of breaking his wrists and his ribs I was squeezing so hard. 

"D-Dean doesn't think so." He wept, his body shaking violently. "M-my brothers an-d my sisters don't th-think so. I-I don't think so." 

I didn't know how I was supposed to respond to that. How do you convince someone as stubborn as Cas that he deserved something? Everything?

I just pulled him closer as he tried to slip out, I breathed in deeply. Feeling he warmth of his back on my chest. 

"I got you here." I leaned my chin on his head again, it seemed to ground him a little but he would still try and rip my arms away every now and then. 

"Get off me." He mumbled weakly. 

"If you stop trying to hurt yourself I'll let go, I promise." 

"C-can't." 

His fighting was getting weaker and weaker. 

I gradually loosened my arms and he barely noticed, if I was uncomfortable on the floor I bet he was too. 

Maybe being in his bed would help him, having the familiar sheets which I'd changed to yellow this morning and the grey blanket I knew he loved. 

Maybe. 

I pulled him up as fast as I could, pulling him into his bed, wrapping the fluffy grey blanket tight around his torso and then the yellow sheets, keeping his arms out. 

Sitting beside him made him worse I realised quickly, once I sat at his desk he seemed to only shout every now and then. 

Only trying to hurt himself once more too. 

It was him talking that did it.

His words were breaking my heart over and over again. 

_'you never even told me why'_ and _'why do you get to be okay'_ and ' _you broke me'_

They seemed to be his favourite to say. 

His breathing started to calm down, less shouting and less of the terrible chants. 

"I'm sorry." His teeth were gritted but his voice was different, more focused than before. "Come back. Need you. Please." He whimpered. 

"Hey buddy, that you?" I asked. 

I didn't want to go over there and just set him off again. 

Cas pulled himself up so he was sitting, looking right at me. 

His eyes were bloodshot and red rimmed, still full of tears but he was looking right at me and he knew it was me. 

"Who else would it be?" He did his stupid head tilt and I could of kissed the guy. 

I smiled and stood up cautiously, making sure I moved slowly enough so he could tell me to fuck off back to his desk if he wanted to. 

"Is it over?" I perched on the edge of the bed. 

His tears overflowed when he locked eyes with me, his bottom lip wobbling. 

I reached over and wiped his tears away as they flowed out. 

"I-I think so." His eyes snapped shut. 

"You gonna tell me what happened?" I asked.

If he ever tried doing whatever he'd done again I could stop him. 

"I-I thought that if-f I-" He stammered, his eyebrows furrowing as he spoke. But then he shook his head and opened his eyes again. "A-ask Jerry." 

_No way._

"Cas, I want you to listen to me okay? I know you're outta your episode now but it looks like it's just another really bad day huh?" I wiped more tears away. 

He nodded and shook my hand away from his face, using the fluffy blanket instead. 

"I don't wanna upset you any more, but I just-I can't keep seeing you like this, not when I know that you're doing something that's making it happen." I tried to explain but I knew it was't my best speech, why wasn't Sam here making the damn sad speech? 

Probably because Sam didn't break him with three words. 

_You can't stay._

I grit my teeth and watched Cas' hands start to shake. 

"I did-didn't-didn't mean to-o."

"Just-please. Tell me what you were doing? What made you get like that? I gotta hear it from you, buddy. Not Jerry. Not Sam. You. I've never seen you like that-" I sighed, I knew I shouldn't be pushing him or asking questions but I had to know, by the looks of it he was finally going to tell me too.

Maybe I could work on fixing it then.

I could help him. 

"I'm sorry." He leaned his head back onto the headboard. 

"I know." I swallowed, I knew I was walking a thin line between setting him off again and actually getting some answers. But if this ate at him any longer I'd lose him, I could see it happening. I could feel it in my gut. 

"I know that Cas. You did this a few days ago, why're you putting yourself through it? What's so important?" I tried to catch his eyes and judge what he was thinking but he was closing them again as he struggled with his words. 

"Sam's bringing you some water and then we're gonna get you cleaned up. But Cas? I need to know what's going on now. It's too much." I pushed, I knew I wasn't being fair now. 

He was shaking again, his hands were up at his chest like they always were on the really bad days. 

At least he wasn't clawing at his chest yet. 

"Can't." He shook his head and opened his eyes, the look in his eyes wasn't sadness. Not as much as before, it was simply fear. 

He looked petrified. 

"I-I'm scared, D-Dean." He avoided looking at me, looking again at the wall with no weapons, his bottom lip wobbling, tears welling up in his eyes. 

"What are you so scared of?" I asked and pulled him into my by the back of his neck, he let me do it too. 

He just sank right into my shoulder like jelly, his body shaking as he cried and cried. 

"L-losing you, yo-you're not gonna w-want me i-if I can't g-get ov-ver it." 

I stroked his hair as he sobbed. It seemed to calm him down if he was having a nightmare, maybe it would work now. 

Jerry was right about everything. 

Cas really didn't think that I cared about him at all. He really did think that I wanted to send him away last year. 

"When will you understand?" I sighed in frustration, stopping stroking his hair, just holding him to me so he couldn't look at anywhere else and get distracted. "I want you on all of your days, good, bad, really bad. Even during the damn episodes. I want you on the days that you can't make yourself move or get outta bed. I want you on the days that you're just so happy because we're just driving around in the car listening to my crappy tapes and you don't know the words but you've got that dumb smile on your face. I even want you on the days that you make me so mad that I wanna rip my damn hair out. I want you on the days that you have me laughing so hard I think my ribs will break. It's just you, Cas. I want you. Why can't you understand that?" 

I pulled him closer to get my point across. 

I was never good with words but neither was he. Maybe he'd understand a little. 

Just a little bit is all I needed.

Cas choked on the sob that tore through him, I felt his fingers on my shirt and his head pressing into my shoulder. 

Did that mean that he understood? 

I let myself stroke his hair again, letting us sway side to side for a minute. 

"Jerry wouldn't tell me much, Cas. He just said you were both driving somewhere. Where?" 

He shook his head, a whimper escaping his mouth. 

"Please, Cas." I heard my voice crack. 

Oh, I was crying again. 

Great. 

"N-Nora." I barely heard him.

Nora. I knew that name. 

The Gas'n'Sip. The Rit Zien. 

"Nora? Idaho?" 

He nodded weakly. 

Why would-

"Cas, you know what happened last time you went there." I heard that my voice sounded angry, I wanted to apologise but he knew that his first freaking episode happened just because we ended up in Idaho. Was he being stupid? 

"I know." Cas pulled away and wiped his face. 

I wanted to yell at him for being so dumb to go back but there had to be a reason. 

Cas wouldn't do this for kicks. 

"Please don't go again, don't put yourself through it." I sighed when I heard the knock on the door. 

I stood up and kissed his hair again, I didn't want to leave with him thinking I was angry at him. 

He needed to realise I wasn't going to leave him. 

"Sam's coming in for a bit. I'll be back to clean you up in ten minutes, I promise." I patted Sam on the shoulder on my way out of the room. 

"Jerry's next door asleep, best to leave him." Sam mumbled as he walked past me. 

I nodded and tried my best not to run to the kitchen and get the whiskey I'd left with Jerry there. 

Cas was more important than whiskey right now, he hadn't healed at all from three days ago and had barely healed from the last one. 

Cas needed me. 

He said he needed me when his episode stopped. 

I hated how we'd probably need to go on a supply run for bandages once Cas was asleep, we were running low. 

Neither me or Sam had used any since we'd arrived here. 

I counted them out, five. 

One on each arm and one on each hand. 

I shrugged my shirt off to check the damage to my arm, not wanting to tug the sleeves up. I hissed when I saw the state of my arm, it was blotchy and purple now, a long but not deep cut stretching up the side of my arm from the force Cas was trying to hit himself against the bed post with. 

He'd be distraught if he saw this. 

He wouldn't forgive himself, not after the crypt. 

Never. 

I grit my teeth as I steri-stripped the cut and wrapped a bandage tight around my arm, ignoring the bruises throbbing. I deserved this at the very least. 

If I just wore long sleeves until it healed then he would never have to see it. 

He wouldn't see the bruises he'd made on my side by kicking me either. 

I shrugged my t-shirt and my flannel back on, grabbing the last four bandages and the rest of the first aid kit. 

This I could do. I could patch Cas up, fixing the outside was easy. 

Familiar. 

I knocked on the door and let myself inside. 

Sam was at the desk, opening the whiskey that had been under Cas' bed. 

Cas smelt of the stuff but had a bottle of water in his still shaking hands. 

"Still with us, Cas?" I asked, pulling up the chair and sitting in front of the bed. 

Cas barely nodded. 

Pulling the covers and the grey blanket away made the bile rise to my throat again, I'd forgotten how bad his arms were. 

I'd seen a thousand times worse in Hell. 

I'd seen a hundred times worse and held onto my lunch. 

I'd seen ten times worse and not turned an eye. 

But this was _Cas._

And he'd done it to _himself._

I blinked away the tears that threatened to fall again and took his right arm, washing away the dried blood with a washcloth. 

I scanned the wounds, expecting the usual few bruises and the scratch marks, a few of them deep enough to draw blood. 

But there were some deep cuts that still had some blood leaking out of them. They were oddly shaped too, definitely not an angel blade. 

"Jesus Cas, what did you do these on?" I sighed. 

He shrugged and looked around the room with a concerned look. 

He probably wanted Jerry. 

"He's next door having a nap." I muttered. 

"Is he okay?" Cas chewed on his lip, nothing but worry on his face as I started to stitch up one of the strange looking wounds. 

"He's fine." I nodded, trying not to think of our talk. 

Cas didn't need to know about that. 

He'd get pissed at Jerry and then they'd fight and Cas would truly feel like he had no one. 

"Are you okay?" Cas asked me softly. 

I heard myself laugh at the ridiculousness of it as I cut the thread, applying steri-strips to the other wounds. "Always am."

I pursed my lips as I twisted his arm around, checking each part. "Other arm?" 

Cas took the arm that I'd fixed and brought it to his chest, giving me his left. 

Sam sighed and moved from the desk and sat beside Cas, watching what I was doing closely. I didn't let either of them watching bother me, just focused on getting this done quickly so none of us would be able to see any evidence of the kind of day Cas had had. 

Cas flinched hard when I started on his knuckles and his hands, they weren't that bad but I knew it wouldn't hurt to have them covered up. 

"You okay?" I asked, looking up. 

"No." Cas sighed heavily and pushed his hands back into place. 

"Yeah." I mumbled, at least he was admitting that he wasn't okay now.

I caught his eyes and I stopped being able to breathe for a moment, the raw pain in the look he was giving me shook me. 

I definitely needed a drink or thirty. 

"Sam's gonna stay with you tonight. Is that okay?" I asked shakily, he'd probably want Sam over me anyway given everything he'd been saying.

I didn't think that I could look at his eyes again tonight anyway.

Not unless I had to.

Cas nodded and looked down at the bandages. 

Sam caught my eye and gave my a questioning look. 

"I can't." I mouthed to him, shaking my head. 

He seemed to understand. 

I hoped he did. 

"Sam, shout me if you need me." I swallowed and left the room, leaving the door open and heading into my own room. 

I broke when I was safely inside with the door locked. 

Covering my mouth with my hand so they wouldn't hear me. 

I didn't just break Cas, I fucking destroyed him. 

I did the only thing I knew when something hurt this much. 

Any alcohol in my room barely lasted the two hours before I crawled into bed and passed out, the last thing I saw when I shut my eyes was Cas' pain filled eyes. 

Pain I'd put there. 

* * *

It took me two days to face Cas again and I pretty much didn't leave his side once I manned up to be in the same room. 

He seemed to be doing better at least, no more episodes. 

Just a couple of bad days and a few okay days. 

I'd taken to staying in his room too, just to make sure he didn't have an episode during the night of course. 

But there was something about establishing the routine of him getting into bed after me and pulling the grey blanket over us both that I looked forward to every day. 

Maybe it was that I knew that there hadn't been an episode and he was going to sleep which meant another day gone by with Cas being okay. 

Maybe it was that I knew that Cas didn't hate me like he thought I'd hated him.

I'd spend forever proving him wrong if I had to. 

The stubborn bastard would probably let me spend forever doing it too. 

I stayed away whenever Jerry came around though, Jerry was Cas' friend and clearly wasn't a fan of mine. 

There was probably no fixing that. 

"Hey. Dinner in five, Cas you eating?" I asked, looking to Cas for any signs that his grace was feeling better yet like it was a damn physical thing. 

"Please." His eyes snapped to mine, I relished in how they looked nothing like they did last week. 

The sadness and pain was still there just like it had been since we got him back, since he'd first fallen when I came to think about it.

But it wasn't all that was there, there was other things in his eyes now. It wasn't _just_ pain.

"Good, it's spaghetti, that okay?" I asked.

"Of course." Cas nodded. 

I closed the door again and headed back to the kitchen to start serving up dinner. 

Jerry hadn't spoken to me, that didn't surprise me. 

He'd barely said two words since he saw me destroy half of the library and push him against the wall.

"Cas eating?" Sam asked and grabbed the beers from the fridge. 

"Yeah, has he said anything about his grace to you?" 

Sam shook his head. "He said as soon as it's back he'll heal this." He pointed to his pretty much fine face. "I know, I've told him there's no point but you know what he's like." 

I rolled my eyes and smiled. 

"You told him about your arm?" He nodded. 

"No and you're not gonna tell him either. He doesn't remember and I wanna keep it that way. Besides, turns out I deserved it." 

"I could of told you that once Gadreel was out." Sam smirked. 

"Think he'll forgive me?" 

"Honestly I don't think he's even mad at you. It wasn't him talking the other day." Sam sighed. "You need to forgive yourself." 

I rolled my eyes, it was like talking to Dr Phil sometimes. 

"I'm serious, Dean." 

"I don't even think I've scratched the surface of what I did to the guy." 

"Maybe." Sam mused. 

I bit my lip. 

My heart was beating in my damn throat. 

"I love him, Sammy." 

"I know." Sam sighed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so how about that little plot twist huh   
> i mean we all knew but we didnt know that dean knew, well i did but y'know ahahah  
> anyway, i hope you're all enjoying this but also looking after yourselves mentally as well as physically during these times  
> new chapter will be up soon  
> let me know what you thought dudes  
> lotta love :)


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey,   
> as usual im blown away by your comments, i can't wrap my head around you guys loving this so much, it makes me so happy any time i hear that little email sound.   
> so this chapter is a little up and down but it's got some important things in.   
> i really hope that you enjoy  
> trigger warnings as usual, not too heavy but there are some dark thoughts from cas and mentions of his self harm  
> I've put phone conversations in italics to try and make it more clear that they're not in the same room.   
> lotta love  
> C

**Castiel's POV**

Jerry carried on grumbling underneath the umbrella. 

I rolled my eyes, I'd offered to drive him back to his motel multiple times and even said that I'd text Sam or Dean to stay with me but he wasn't having any of it. 

"You can't even see the stars." Jerry groaned. 

"Sometimes a star shines through, you just need to look for it." I looked up at the thunderous sky. 

"Yeah, I like my face not being drenched." Jerry pouted. 

I grinned at his sour face; he wasn't actually angry. 

Jerry rolled his eyes. "Y'know the bunker is really warm and it has a telescope, we could go there." 

I shook my head then turned back to the sky. "This is the first time Sam's let me out without him or Dean in three weeks. I'm staying outside." 

Jerry let out a big sigh but finally sat down on the bench with me, pulling his face as his jeans got wet.

The towels I'd put down were already soaked through. 

"If you sat down when we got here-" I started.

"Shut up." He crossed his arms and shuffled closer so the umbrella was over us both. "Why'd you like storms so much? You were practically on your knees begging them to let you out for this." 

I shrugged. 

"C'mon, you don't beg for anything." Jerry turned to me with a smirk. 

"I just like them. I guess they just remind me that even the world has a bad day sometimes." 

Jerry was quite for a moment, turning to look at the storm. 

The hole in my chest was just like the storms I'd realised. 

I'd been watching a lot of nature documentaries in my three weeks inside the bunker and one of them was on storms and other weather related matters. 

Realising it had felt like a weight lifted but I'd never seen an actual thunderstorm in person, not one that the world created on its own.

Just Raphael's thunder and lightening.

It was so much different. 

The storm was the hole in my chest as a whole. 

It was a constant storm in my chest, always there. Never quite going away completely and some days it screamed just like the sky did. It took days to recover when it was at its worse but eventually it calmed, eventually the sun came out for a while before the next storm would occur. Days of rain in between, some days the rain was quite bad, other days it was just a little sprinkle. Some days it only rained in the morning but sometimes it was only at night. 

"That's really poetic." Jerry smirked, teasing.

I felt myself smile. 

I knocked the umbrella so he got some rain in his hair. 

"I guess I deserved that." He snorted and put it back in place. 

I jumped as the lightening cracked across the sky in brilliant colours of bright white, blue and purple. 

The lightening was like the tears and rips that I felt in the hole in my chest. Unexpected and mostly unwelcome.

The lightening was too obvious, disrupted everything that was happening.

The sky was chaotic but underneath, the earth was peaceful and the lightening ruined that, lit everything up and displayed all of the flaws in the most unflattering way. It was hard to hide the rips and tears in the hole in my chest just like it would be impossible to hide a lightening strike. 

"I see what you mean, dude." Jerry sighed. "It's sorta calming I guess." 

"Does it ever really get better? Or do we just have to get used to it?" I asked with a sigh as another bolt of lightening lit up the park and our faces. 

Jerry frowned, looking back at the sky. "It's not supposed to get as bad as it has with you." 

"Oh." 

I felt a rip in the hole in my chest, just in time with the lightening strike which I thought could be considered to be ironic. 

"But everything can get better, you shouldn't settle for it being like this." Jerry bit his lip. "No one knows exactly how you feel and that's the problem, you won't tell anyone." 

I sighed and turned back to the chaos in the sky, more rain clouds making their way over, casting shadows over the moon. 

The rain was definitely the crying, though I thought that was too obvious. But it was constant throughout the storms. Sometimes it would calm down and seem like it was going away but then it would come back twice as heavy and twice as fast.

The rain was what made storms as bad as they were in humans eyes.

A storm is something you should hide under the stairs from and wait until it leaves before going outside again. Hide until the sun comes out, wait until the last drops of rain have fallen.

Go back inside if it starts to rain again.

You could have rain without a storm but you couldn't have a storm without rain. 

The thunder was primal as it cracked through the sky, filling our ears with it's wail. I saw it rumbling through the clouds in the sky, travelling through each one. The hole in my chest ached to match the thunders cry. It was furious. 

"I think it's getting worse." Jerry shut his eyes as the lightening lit up the sky again. "Are you sure we won't get struck by lightening here?" 

"If it gets close then we'll go." I promised, listening to the sky ache and wail just like my chest did. 

Jerry nodded and turned back to the sky. "I can see a star, look!" He pointed one out. 

I followed his finger with my eyes and smiled when I saw it. 

The one star visible in the sky. 

"It's Sneden's star, that star's older than most angels." I grinned. 

"I thought angels were made first?" 

I shook my head. 

"The story goes that there was nothing but God and Darkness. God needed to defeat the Darkness so He created the archangels. Michael, Lucifer, Raphael and Gabriel. Together they beat the Darkness and began to create the Universe. God wanted everything to be perfect at first, a lot of time was spent on different planets and stars. But that's just what we were told, no one knows if it's the truth or not." 

Jerry nodded and shivered. 

I stood up and picked up the towels once Jerry took the hint that we were leaving. 

"You probably shouldn't drive in this, you're gonna have to stay the night. I've got the day off tomorrow anyway." Jerry peeled his shirt off once we'd walked back to his motel. 

"Dean won't be happy." I bit my lip. 

"Screw him. C'mon, movie night." Jerry waved the remote at me. 

I sighed at how much he still didn't like Dean, the amount of arguments they'd had over the last three weeks was exhausting. "I'll call him whilst you get changed." 

"Yeah, borrow some of my dry clothes. Second drawer." 

I nodded as he went to have a shower. 

_"Hey, Cas. How's your storm?"_ Dean answered straight away. 

_"It was really soothing, we saw a star even though the storm was covering most of the sky."_ I smiled at hearing his voice sounding so relaxed.

 _"Just the one huh?"_ He asked. _"Are you on your way home?"_

_"No, I'm. I'm staying with Jerry tonight."_

_"Why?"_ He demanded. _"Are you okay?"_

_"The storm's pretty bad and Jerry said that I shouldn't drive back to the bunker when it's this bad."_

_"I can come and get you if you don't wanna drive, I'm sure it's not that bad."_ I heard him shuffling around and climbing the bunker steps _._

 _"The lightening is every three minutes, Dean. And it's already dark."_ I sighed. 

I heard the bunker door open and Dean cursing. 

_"Are you sure you're okay?"_

_"I swear. We're back in the motel room now. Jerry's just showering."_

Dean sighed and the bunker door closed. _"When's this storm gonna stop then, Bill?"_

I narrowed my eyes at the name. 

_"Who-"_

_"Bill Nye. He's a scientist. Whatever, when can you come home?"_

He seemed like he was in a good enough mood, he only seemed slightly annoyed at my not being at the bunker.

Nothing compared to what I thought he was going to be like. 

_"I think the storm will be over by the morning but tomorrow is Thursday and I wanted to go to the soup kitchen."_

_"Cas-"_ He warned.

_"Dean, it's been weeks. I can't just stay here doing nothing. It's not fair."_

He knew I was right, it wasn't fair on all of the people who slept outside that I'd pretty much abandoned whilst I tried to convince Sam and Dean that I was okay. 

Dean liked to help people too, he'd understand. 

_"You gotta look after yourself sometimes, Cas."_ Dean argued. 

_"I have been doing that. For three weeks."_

_"I get it okay, I get why you wanna help people but you're still not fully yourself."_

_"The soup kitchen always makes me feel better."_ I protested.

_"At least let me and Sam meet you for breakfast in the morning. It'll stop m-us from worrying."_

_"I'm not a child, you don't need to worry."_ I huffed. 

_"Cas, please? Just breakfast. Nine at the diner? My treat."_

_"Fine."_ I rolled my eyes. 

_"Atta boy. What are you gonna do to kill time with Jerry then? It's barely 8."_

_"Movie night I think. Jerry's out of the shower, I need to change. I'll speak to you later Dean."_

_"Yeah, see you Cas."_ Dean mumbled and hung up. 

"He being cool about it?" Jerry asked rubbing a towel through his hair. 

I nodded. "We're going for breakfast tomorrow and I'm going to the soup kitchen." I grinned. 

Jerry's face lit up. "Cas, that's great. Why don't you use the shower and I'll set the movie up?" 

I nodded and headed into the bathroom. 

Getting changed I caught myself in the mirror just like I had in that small bathroom. 

But my body wasn't small and fragile now. 

It was back to how Jimmy Novak had been. 

My body had muscles and didn't have any bones showing prominently apart from my hip bones and my collar bones but only if I strained uncomfortably.

But that wasn't what had caught my eye. 

I'd ruined my body in a new way now. 

My grace was getting better slowly but I couldn't just waste it on fixing myself, what if Dean, Sam or Jerry got hurt and I couldn't heal them?

All because I'd used it to heal myself.

It sounded selfish and I was done being selfish. 

But looking at my arms made me feel sick. 

They were healing with no help from my grace so they were healing slowly, faint pink shapes up and down.

I sighed and got into the shower, letting the hot water spray directly onto my chest as I leaned against the wall. 

The scars on my skin seemed to be brighter under the water. 

I never chose to be like this. 

**Yes you did**

I furrowed my eyebrows and tried to shake the thought out of my head, why would I choose to live like this?

But I realised, I was given many choices throughout the last few years. 

Most of them were about choosing between Heaven and the Winchesters. 

More and more I chose them, until I fell. 

I chose to fall from grace for Dean and Sam. 

It wasn't like I wasn't warned by all of the angels I was closest to in Heaven. 

Every single one of them were telling me that I needed to be careful but I ignored them all.

All of their concerns. 

They'd all find it amusing how far I'd fallen now. 

This was my decision. And now it was a burden on Sam, Dean and Jerry to pick up the pieces.

They had no choice in my falling. 

It was all me. 

I'm the one who ruined me, I did it all myself. 

Not just my arms. 

I might as well of clipped my own wings and ripped out my own grace last year. It was all me.

The hole in my chest ached quietly. 

I knew if I was at the bunker I could just go to bed early and Dean would probably follow soon after and the hole in my chest would be quiet for a while. 

I could still hear the rain pounding on the roof of the motel room. 

There was no way that Dean could get here and he'd be so disappointed that I couldn't spend even one night away from him anymore, it was pathetic. 

**He doesn't want you**

I wouldn't want me either. 

"Hey, man. You good in there?" Jerry knocked on the door making me snap out of it suddenly. 

"Y-yeah, I'll be out in a few minutes." I shouted back. 

"Great, pizza's almost ready and movie's set up." 

"Thank you." I pressed my hand to my chest and pushed hard. 

I wouldn't let it ruin tonight. 

I'd been relying on Dean too much. 

I would be fine for one night without him. 

He'd ask how it went and I would shrug it off like I hadn't even thought about it, maybe then he'd trust me to sleep in my room alone again. 

Maybe. 

Watching the movie and eating pizza with Jerry was peaceful. 

He was laughing loudly at the movie which I think was about an angry man playing golf. 

**Dean: are you sure you're okay with staying at Jerry's? I can drive over if you need.**

**Me: I'll be okay. Driving is dangerous when there are storms.**

**Dean: You need anything you call me, got it?**

**Me: Got it**

I'd prove to Dean that his worrying was unnecessary. 

He and Sam could go and work cases soon and leave me unattended. 

I'd stop being such a burden. 

**Sam: Dean said you're staying at Jerry's. You good?**

**Me: I'm good**

**Sam: Great, see you tomorrow. Keeping my phone on loud in case you need anything**

**Me: Okay**

Jerry snatched my phone and walked around the motel room to put it on his nightstand.. 

"Movie night." He grinned. 

I rolled my eyes but relaxed into the sofa as he put another movie on.

Falling asleep to the sounds of a movie was much different to falling asleep to the sounds of Dean's breathing and sometimes when he'd fall asleep first his snoring. 

It was unfamiliar but almost pleasant. 

Jerry had gone to bed hours ago and if I strained enough I could hear him breathing but it was very faint as it was in the bedroom area and I was in the living room area. 

I wrapped the blanket he'd given me around me tighter and tried to close my eyes tighter.

My eyes had just started to feel heavy when I heard something vibrating. 

Jerry was a light sleeper, he wouldn't appreciate being woken up in the middle of the night. 

I found the source and it was my phone on Jerry's nightstand. 

The storm had calmed down enough now that it was just the rain so I stepped outside as I answered the phone. 

_"Hello?"_

_"Hey, Cas."_ It was Dean, I should of checked the caller I.D. 

_"It's almost two in the morning."_

_"I didn't wake you up did I?"_

_"No."_ I wouldn't tell him that I couldn't sleep, he'd think it was because I wasn't with him and then he'd know how dependent I was. 

_"Can't sleep either?"_ He chuckled. 

Damn. 

_"I'm sure it's just because I'm not tired."_

_"Are you outside?"_ He asked.

 _"I didn't want to wake Jerry up."_ I explained.

_"Go back in Cas, it's freezing outside."_

I wouldn't call it freezing. Just a little wet and cold. 

_"Fine. But you need to whisper."_ I shut the door as quietly as I could, watching Jerry's sleeping form as I made my way back to the sofa.

 _"I can do that. Just stay on the phone until one of us gets sleepy."_ He yawned. 

_"You already sound tired."_

_"Yeah, just a little. What movie did you watch?"_

_"There was an angry man playing golf."_ I yawned. 

_"Happy Gilmore?"_

_"Something like that. And then we watched one about a man in prison who escaped with his friend."_

_"Shawshank?"_ He guessed again.

 _"I think so."_ I rubbed my eyes and wrapped the blanket around me as I lay down properly, letting my head rest on my phone so Dean could still hear me. 

Dean chuckled. _"Great movie, when you get home I'm gonna get you to watch some westerns. Give you a real movie education."_

 _"Sam told me to say no to watching westerns."_ I smiled. 

Dean gasped. _"That bitch."_

I chuckled low so Jerry wouldn't be disturbed. _"I'll watch one."_

_"Four at least."_

_"Maybe I'll do two."_ I heard myself slurring the words as my eyes got heavier. 

If I just closed my eyes they'd feel better. 

I could still hear and talk to Dean. 

Waking up to Jerry shaking my shoulder was confusing as I didn't remember going to sleep at all.

"What are you doing here?" I grumbled, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. 

"Good morning to you too." He laughed. "Breakfast at the diner remember? We gotta be there in fifteen minutes so get your ass dressed." 

I sighed and grabbed my clothes from the dryer, heading to the bathroom. 

_"Morning Steve!" Nora grinned as she walked into the Gas'n'Sip._

_I tried to smile at her but it wasn't happening,I couldn't move my face to greet her._

_I tried words but it just sounded like a grunt._

_"Good morning to you too." She laughed. "Woke up on the wrong side of bed today?"_

_I just simply agreed, I didn't know there were right and wrongs sides since I didn't have one to know which one was the right side to get out of._

_Nora chuckled. "You've been down ever since you babysat for me, what's going on huh?" She poured herself and me a coffee._

_I accepted it gratefully, the best days were the days that Nora gave away coffee. It meant she was in a good mood. It usually lifted my mood too._

_"I broke my wrist." I used it as an excuse._

_"No one gets this bummed out over their wrist being hurt. C'mon, talk to me. No customers allowed until I've seen you smile." She winked._

_I doubted she meant it but just in case I tried to smile._

_"That was barely even a try, Steve." Nora rolled her eyes. "Have you seen that friend of yours since then? Maybe you could talk to him if it's that I'm your boss?"_

_Nora must of seen my face drop as she mentioned Dean._

_"Oh."_

_"It's nothing." I defended quickly, sipping the coffee she'd given to me._

_"Something bad happen between you two?"_

_"It's complicated." I swallowed, barely even savouring the warmth or the taste._

_Nora nodded. "Look, I know how it feels, Steve. That 'friend' of yours, he doesn't know what he's missing."_

_"You're wrong."_

_"Let me guess, as soon as he snaps his fingers you'd go running to him?"_

_"Of course. I just- I want-" I shook my head trying to drown the hole in my chest with the hot coffee. "It doesn't matter. He doesn't want me anymore."_

_"So why'd you call him when you needed help?"_

_"I didn't know who else to call." I sighed, blinking away the tears threatening to fall._

_I knew it was only a matter of time before I'd actually be crying and I didn't want Nora to see that._

_"Steve, listen to me okay. Everyone's got that one person that we'd take back in a second. No matter what they did or how much they hurt us. I have one too. Harry Ramirez." She frowned. "But you need to realise that if he doesn't want you, you shouldn't want him. Just let him go. You deserve better."_

_I shook my head._

_Nora sighed. "I get it, love's hard."_

_"Love?" I tilted my head._

_"Yeah?" She scrunched her eyebrows. "Y'know what, you look pretty spacey today. Why don't you go home and rest up a little? Full pay. Just eat some ice cream, watch crappy TV in bed with your fluffiest pjs. Treat yourself." She squeezed my shoulder._

_"O-okay. Thank you." I nodded quickly and sped walked out of the Gas'n'Sip._

_Love. Love. Love._

_Did Nora think?_

_Was she right?_

_All of the angels and demons thought it._

_Even some humans had thought a few times._

_I shoved the words Nora had said about being home and treating myself right out of my head as I sat on the bench in the park, watching the clouds pass through the sky._

_Dean and I had always been close._

_Closer than Sam and I._

_But I would die for them both over and over._

_But my feelings towards Dean were quite different, I never understood them._

_I'd never loved anyone before._

_Did I love Dean?_

_Is that why I was hurting so much? I'd heard many humans saying that love was the most painful thing._

_I cared a lot for Dean, I knew that._

_I had cared a lot for him for years._

_Would I have given up my entire family and home for anyone but him?_

_No._

_Maybe it was love._

_But Dean never said that he loved me._

_I'd never had anyone love me before. No angels loved each other. It wasn't something that we- they were capable of. A strong family bond but that was it._

_I'd killed Balthazar for betraying me._

_But to kill Dean I required intensive training and interference from Naomi._

_Oh God._

_I love him._

"Dean, it's going to be fine." I sighed for maybe the sixth time. 

"You don't _know_ that. What if it's not?" 

Dean was going back on his agreement to let me go to the soup kitchen with Jerry, telling me that I should just come back to the bunker since I'd been out all night. I should go to the soup kitchen on Friday instead. Or maybe Monday. 

He was really getting on my nerves now. I was okay. I had a smile on my face when we got to the diner, I laughed at his jokes, I spoke with Sam and made sure that I was giving him eye contact and my full focus, I kept my hands on my table and away from my chest. I was okay. This day was going to be a good day. 

But Dean wasn't seeing any of that. 

He just saw me being damaged and needing to stay in the bunker. 

I hated it. 

"I'm going." 

"No, you're not." Dean pursed his lips.

Sam and Jerry both rolled their eyes. 

"Dean, just trust him. He's gonna be fine." Sam sighed and sipped his coffee. 

"If it's not then I can deal with it." I clenched my hand under the table. 

Dean scoffed and Jerry tensed beside me. 

"It's a soup kitchen not a fucking bus station." Jerry snapped. 

The hole in my chest suddenly wailed at the mention of the bus station, I forced my hand to stay down and not grab my chest. I didn't need a real reason for Dean to not let me go. 

Dean glowered across the booth at Jerry. "You got more to say?" 

"If I do?" Jerry quirked an eyebrow and matching the anger in Dean's face.

"Guys." Sam sighed. 

"Spit it out then." Dean snarled, his eyes furious. 

I swallowed as the hole in my chest started tearing at itself.

I was causing more hurt and anger. 

Just by sitting here. 

"Stop it! Both of you." I glared at the table. "I'm going to the soup kitchen and it will be fine. Stop fighting." 

Dean and Jerry both glared at each other across the table. 

"He's-"

"But he's-"

"Jerry stop blaming Dean for something he can't do anything about. Dean stop getting angry at Jerry for trying to stick up for me. Just quit treating me like I matter so damn much." I pulled myself out of the booth and stormed out into the car park. 

I leaned on my car with my arms crossed, glaring across the parking lot. 

Hearing footsteps towards my car made me angrier. 

"I'm going and you can't stop me, Dean." I huffed. 

"It's me." Sam sighed and leaned on the hood of my car beside me. "I thought leaving those two to sort out whatever's going on with them would be good, unless the place sets on fire." He chuckled but stopped when I didn't smile. What was the point in pretending to smile, they'd never let me go after storming out like that. 

"They're both idiots." I muttered. 

"They're idiots who care about you, Cas. Both of them just want what's best." 

"I don't want them to. I just want to be left alone, Sam." 

"Yeah, good luck with that." 

I sighed.

"You matter." He clapped a hand on my shoulder. 

I shook my head. "The sooner that you all realise that I don't the better. Just let me go and help the people that sleep outside, that's all I want to do." 

I didn't understand why they all didn't just understand that. 

"If that's all you want to do then we have to take care of getting you better." 

"I'm okay. Today was going to be a good day until it got ruined." I argued.

Sam sighed. "Look Cas, I get it okay? I understand that you just wanna keep going and help as many people as you can because-"

"Because I've hurt so many people." I added for him. 

Sam gave me a strained look. "I'm not saying that you've not hurt people. But you've never gone out of your way to hurt people. That's never been what you've wanted to do." 

"But somehow I always hurt people. Even now we were just having breakfast and now Jerry and Dean are upset." I sighed. 

Sam shook his head. "That's on both of them for being hard headed. You've helped plenty of people, trust me. You're not as terrible as you think, man." 

I sighed. "I want to get better."

"That's all we want. That's all of our main focus right now." 

"It shouldn't be. You should be out there saving people from monsters, Jerry should be focusing on work and helping out at the soup kitchen. I can do this on my own." 

"You can't and that's okay. We've all needed help in the past, I guess it's just your turn. Next time it'll be Dean, then it'll be my turn. And I'll bet you'll be there front and centre doing anything you can." 

"But you and Dean are important. People need you two to be okay. I went through the hardest and worst ordeal in my existence without _anyone_ there for me and I made it out so don't tell me I can't do anything on my own, Sam." I glared up at him, the hole in my chest tearing and ripping at the edges with each change in Sam's expression. 

Sam wasn't understanding still, just standing there with his mouth agape and his eyebrows scrunched together. 

Confused. 

"I don't know how I can make it any clearer for you, Sam." 

Sam sighed. "What happened to you, Cas?" 

"It doesn't matter, I want to forget about it." I ran a hand over my face to give me time to control whatever emotion was there, I used to be so good at keeping a stoic face. 

"Sometimes things go too deep and matter too much to be forgotten about. Makes you who you are." 

I rolled my eyes. "And who I am is someone who needs to be treated like a damn child?" 

"No." Sam shook his head. "Cas, you're not okay. The way you talk about yourself, man. I've been there, talking about it helps. Even if it's just so we know what's causing this other than the stuff we already know about." 

I shook my head, hearing two pairs of footsteps coming towards us. "It's not important." 

"Cas, can I talk to you for a sec?" Dean asked. 

I turned away from Sam and was met with a guilty expression from Dean. 

Jerry was beside him with a smug look on his face. 

I sighed. "Yes." 

Dean walked ahead, leaving Sam and Jerry at the car. I followed him back to the diner but he ducked behind the building. 

"Where are we going?" 

"I just thought it'd be more private." He shrugged and stopped against the employee smoking area, still looking so guilty. 

"I shouldn't of yelled, I'm sorry." I chewed on the inside of my cheek. 

"No, Cas. You shouldn't apologise. I mean-" He sighed. "I was being a dick. You're doing better and I- I just don't want you to get that bad again, you trust Jerry and as long as you're actually going to the soup kitchen you'll be fine and-" 

"I don't want it to get that bad again either." I mumbled. "I'm trying so hard to not let it get bad again but it's-" 

"It's not working?" He asked, stepping closer. 

"I don't know." I sighed and leaned against the wall. "We need to go back to normal, you and Sam should be hunting at least." 

"Hunting's cancelled for a while, I told you that." 

"But you shouldn't have to do that." I groaned. "It's your job, you love saving people. It's what makes you who you are, Dean. And I'm taking that away from you, it's not fair." 

"Hey, look at me." He pulled my hand so it was holding his and squeezed. 

I sighed and looked up to see his face, his eyes were searching mine. "What?"

"There's always gonna be monsters out there, always gonna be people who need saving. But you need help now, not after the next case, not next year. You need it now and I'll be damned if I let you down again, Cas. There's plenty of other hunters and we're throwing cases at them whilst we're hanging back. You don't need to worry about it." 

I felt the tears filling my eyes.

They shouldn't be sacrificing this much for me, it wasn't their jobs. Dean shouldn't be being so nice to me about it all, he should of thrown me out of the bunker as soon as the episodes started. 

"But-"

"No arguments." He smiled. 

"That's not fair." I complained. "De-"

"Argue with me later?" He interrupted me. 

I rolled my eyes. "Fine." 

He squeezed my hand and pulled me forwards so I was hugging him. 

He let go of my hand and wrapped his arms around my waist.

"I trust you, Cas. Just don't do too much and leave me behind, okay?" 

"Okay." I nodded against his shoulder. 

"How about after soup kitchen you come home and we have a movie night? You did agree to six western movies last night." He pulled away and waggled his eyebrows. 

I broke into a smile. "I agreed to two." 

"I'm pretty sure it was six." He laughed as we made our way back to the car. 

"It doesn't count if it was when I was asleep." I sighed. 

"Not my fault that you sleep talk." He grinned. "Text me if you need anything okay?" 

I nodded and got into my car, Jerry getting in silently. 

"I shouldn't of said what I said, Cas. Sorry." Jerry sighed when we started to drive away. 

"It's okay." 

Jerry shook his head. "He's your friend, man. I should respect that." 

"He does tend to make people irritated." I smirked, heading to the first thrift store. 

Jerry chuckled. "Yeah, I can't disagree there. But you love him, he's your best friend. So I gotta just keep my mouth shut." 

My heart stopped. 

Jerry knew? 

When did Jerry find out? 

He didn't tell Dean did he? 

"Cas?" Jerry asked. 

I pulled in on the side of the street and got out of the car, heading into the thrift store, Jerry right behind me. 

"What's up?" 

"Nothing." I shook my head then nodded my head at the woman who ran the thrift store, Mandy I think her name was. 

"Yeah, tell your face that." Jerry rolled his eyes and started picking through the clothes the thrift shop had set aside for us. 

"I'm good."

"Uh huh. Well like I was saying, he's your best friend so I shouldn't be picking fights with him." 

I nodded quickly. 

Maybe I heard him wrong? 

I was sure he'd said that. 

"Not that he doesn't pick fights with me though." 

"Yeah he tends to do that." I agreed, I pulled up a shirt to see if there were any hidden holes.

"I told you weeks ago that it wasn't like that, Jerry." I tried to sound as calm as I could when I finally got the nerve to say something, ten minutes later.

The silence had been too much and the hole in my chest was becoming more active the longer we stayed silent. 

"What are you talking about?" Jerry looked up with clear confusion. 

"You said three weeks ago that we look at each other for too long and I said that we're just friends and now you're saying that I lo-" I sighed and threw the shirt into the 'coming with us' pile. 

Jerry broke into a smile. "I'm not trying to imply anything." 

"But you said-"

"You can love someone and not want them in that way, dude. I love you and I don't want a relationship, just friendship. Got it?"

My heart stopped, the pair of jeans in my hands fell into the pile. 

I'd never heard that before. 

No one had ever loved me.

"You l-love me?" I asked, tilting my head. 

I had to be sure he said it. 

It would be embarrassing if he hadn't said it but I needed to know. 

"Yeah, of course I do." Jerry carried on going through the clothes like he hadn't just stopped my ability to breathe properly. "I thought you knew that." 

_Why?_

I didn't know that. 

But the hole in my chest had barely a scratch for the rest of the day. 

Someone loved me. 

Me. 

Even knowing everything I'd done. 

I couldn't stop the smile that was on my face. 

Jerry smirked every time he looked over at me, rolling his eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so,   
> a lot to unpack here.   
> cas isn't a very happy lad at the minute but like a true winchester he's trying to hide it the best he can.  
> i live for sam and cas moments so i hope you enjoyed this one  
> also i knew that jerry and dean weren't gonna be done with just the one argument with dean  
> the whole storm thing i kinda based on how i view my own depression so i really hope it makes sense  
> it felt weird to be writing jerry saying 'i love you' to cas but you gotta remember, jerry isn't a winchester, he's not emotionally constipated and barely able to say three little words. of course he'd want cas to know he loves him  
> anyway, let me know if you enjoyed!   
> lotta love   
> C


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey sorry this took so long  
> as always thank you so much for all of your comments and kudos i can't believe so many people are liking my writing ahaha  
> TRIGGER WARNING: Descriptions of blood and violence and a close call with a main character  
> I hope you enjoy,   
> lotta love   
> C  
> (also something i looked up recently, the average book in 100,000 words long. I've kinda written a book how crazy is that ahahaa this was only supposed to be like ten chapters and 50,000 words max...oops)

**Castiel's POV**

"And you're going with them?" Jerry asked. "They barely let you out to go to the soup kitchen and now you're leaving for a few days?" 

I shrugged. "They said they needed help. Jody called and she said it's a big vampire nest, it's in Iowa so it's not far." 

Jerry sighed. "You won't get hurt right?"

I shook my head. 

There would be no way I could get hurt. 

I had only had one episode since the last big one and it only lasted a couple of hours. 

I did the right thing and text Dean straight away when it was happening and he held my arms down before it even started so I didn't even have a scratch on me and Dean didn't have any bruises. 

It was fine. 

I was okay now. 

That last episode was a week ago anyway, I wouldn't have another for a while if I could help it. 

And Dean seemed much less upset after this one.

My grace had been half restored after not having anything but good and really good days since that episode. 

There was no way I could get hurt. 

* * *

Just as I swung the machete through one vampires head another vampire had their arms around my waist and was picking me up over their head. 

Throwing me backwards into the wall of the barn. 

I groaned as the wood splintered around me. 

"CAS!" I heard Dean. 

"I'm okay." I coughed and stood up shakily, wiping the hay from the back of my head. 

"Sam, behind you!" Dean shouted. 

I heard a vampire gurgling as Sam cut its head off. 

There were still at least six vampires. 

Jody had one in the far corner. 

Dean had killed the one who'd thrown me and was now fighting with another one, waiting for an opening to cut his head off. 

I found my machete quickly and swiped it up, I saw a vampire heading towards me and I knew what he'd do. 

He'd step on my wrist as I picked up my machete and punch me in the side of the head to knock me out. 

I let myself fall into the trap by picking up the machete slowly, as expected he stood on my wrist and ground his boot into my hand. 

I could barely feel it, my grace was blocking the pain from his boot. 

But it would be foolish to not act like it hurt, he'd stop and move onto Sam, Dean and Jody if he knew he couldn't hurt me. 

I grit my teeth and 'struggled' against him for a while, dodging his swipes at my head. 

I just needed him to get a little closer so I could throw him off my wrist at the right angle and cut his head clean off. 

"You killed my sister." He snarled. 

I rolled my eyes. "She killed at least two people. You killed more." 

He stepped harder onto my wrist and caught my neck in his hand, squeezing tight. 

This would be easy now, he was right in my face I could even feel his breath on my skin. 

Twisting my wrist slightly I was able to get his foot off my wrist without him noticing, he was too angry, snapping his teeth at me. 

"CAS WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" Dean shouted and all of a sudden the vampire in front of me was on the floor with Dean above him, throwing punches. 

Dean didn't have his machete. 

"I had him!" I yelled back. 

But a vampire came out of nowhere whilst I was distracted and bit my neck. 

I yelled out and shoved her away, picking up the machete and swiping it past her neck only to have the last one start a fight with me then, swinging his arms everywhere. 

I groaned as the hits started to hurt a little, I didn't have time to stop my grace from healing the bite. It did it automatically and now my grace wasn't as good as it was.

But still, the hits weren't that bad. I could manage. 

I flipped us around and pushed the vampire against the barn wall and held him there as Jody ran over and cut off his head. 

I slid my machete in Dean's direction as I let the vampire's body crumple down to the floor. 

Dean's vampire's head toppled and Dean let out a groan as he let himself lie down beside the dead vampire.

"What the hell, Dean? I had him." I growled and tried pulling Dean up but blood was seeping out from his neck.

"He was in your face, idiot." Dean's eyes were fluttering. 

"SAM!" I yelled, making Dean flinch. 

"Cas, take your shirt and put pressure on." Jody nodded at the wound on Dean's neck. 

I shrugged off the flannel shirt I'd borrowed and pressed it to his neck. 

"Cas." Dean mumbled. 

"Dean." I grit my teeth. "You're so stupid." 

He chuckled but choked on some blood in his mouth. 

My heart dropped.

My grace wasn't doing well.

Dean was hurt.

I knew this would happen. 

_no no no no no no no no_

I could feel the breeze in the barn through the t-shirt that I had on.

Sam finally came over and cursed. "One vamp too much for you?" 

Dean smiled weakly. "Bitch."

"Jerk." Sam bit his lip. "The nearest hospital is over thirty miles away. I-I can't patch that up. Jody, p-please tell me you know how?" 

I searched around for my grace as I felt Dean's heart beat waver, the blood from his neck soaking through the flannel and onto my hands. 

"Not if he carries on bleeding like that." Jody ran a hand over her face as her eyes were darting all over the place. 

The hole in my chest wailed and clawed at itself. 

I couldn't let this happen.

"Listen, everything is completely fine, you're all so dramatic." Dean grinned, blood all over his teeth. 

"Shut up, Dean." Sam's hands were shaking as he looked over Dean's body, checking all of the injuries. 

I searched around again for my grace. 

It was weak but I was sure it would be enough to at least heal Dean enough to last until the hospital. 

"S-Sam?" I nodded down to the soaked flannel. 

He took my place and I moved so I was knelt beside Dean's head, probably using too much force to kick the dead vampire away. 

I closed my eyes and put my hand over his forehead, Jody held him down by his chest so he wouldn't jerk away which we all seemed to know that he would. 

And he did. 

"Dean, just let him heal you." Sam growled. "Stop being such a baby." 

"But-" Dean tried to move again. 

"Dean." I sighed. "Let me." 

Dean coughed again, blood coming from his mouth. "J-just the bite. Be-fine. Jus- the bite."

"Keep him still." I scrunched my eyebrows as I tried to push my grace towards my hand. 

Dean's ragged breathing filled my ears, his blood dripping on the floor. 

I wouldn't survive losing him. 

Neither would Sam. 

We couldn't do it. 

Especially not to one vampire that he shouldn't of even been fighting anyway, if I just took the chance earlier then Dean wouldn't of even noticed me 'struggling' and we'd all be fine. 

"Can you do it?" Sam asked. 

"I'm trying." I bit the inside of my cheek hard, feeling the blood pouring into my mouth. 

Finally I could feel his injuries, I knew everything that was wrong. 

Gaping bite wound on his neck.

Mild concussion. 

Two broken ribs. 

Broken collar bone. 

Pulled muscle in his left calf. 

Bruising on his shoulders and back. 

Recent healed fracture on his forearm. 

Only a quarter of the amount of blood he should have. 

Broken knuckles on his right hand. 

I healed each as I found them, feeling my grace leaving my body through my hand. 

Dean's breathing gradually became more and more even. 

I let go when I heard him start to yell at me. 

Opening my eyes, he was fine. 

Dean was okay. 

I could be angry with him for being stupid now that he would be okay. 

"I had him, you're an idiot." I glared up at him from my new place on the floor. 

"Yeah _I'm_ the idiot right now." He rolled his eyes and helped Sam pull me up, wrapping one of my arms around his shoulder as his arm supported my waist. 

"You good?" Sam asked and looked at Dean's now uninjured neck and nodded. "Cas, you good?" 

"Tired." I muttered. 

"He's a stupid bastard for healing _everything_ , that's how he is." Dean huffed. 

"Sam and me will clean up here, you guys get back to the motel." Jody sighed. "I think you could both do with a nap." 

"Yeah, we'll meet you there." Sam agreed. 

Dean pulled me along out of the barn with a sour look. 

"I just healed you, you could at least say thank you." I glared back. 

"Oh okay. Thank you for putting yourself in pain and making yourself feel like shit for the next two weeks. That makes me really happy." 

"You were hurt." I argued as he helped me into the front seat. 

"I would of been fine." He argued and started up the car. "You want the heating on?"

I nodded weakly, feeling the cold even more now. "You were bleeding everywhere, Dean." 

"I would of made it without you using your mojo." 

I shook my head. 

"Why'd you heal everything? I would of been fine with a couple bruises." 

"I didn't want you to be hurt. Why's that such a bad thing?" I glared but ended up with just my eyes closing and my head dropping down to the seat and falling asleep. 

"Idiot." I heard Dean mutter before I was fully asleep. 

I felt that we were still moving when I woke up, I felt like I'd been asleep for at least three hours but the motel was only thirty minutes away from the barn. 

Searching for my grace proved to be difficult but I felt a small trace of it. 

Opening my eyes I saw the tape that was in the impala's tape deck. 

_**'Zepp's soft traxx'** _

"Where are we?" I mumbled, sitting up from what I realised was Dean's thigh. 

"Just passing the state line to Nebraska now." Dean carried on humming to the music. "Go back to sleep if you want, buddy." 

I shook my head. "What about Sam and Jody?" 

"I thought you'd want your own bed instead of a gross motel one and Jody's still got a few days off work so I thought she could stay with us for a bit. Her and Sammy are driving up once they've cleared out the barn." 

"That's thoughtful." I narrowed my eyes. 

"I'm a very thoughtful guy." Dean teased. "Since I'm the most awake I've been in months I thought a seven hour drive couldn't hurt." 

I yawned. "It was your fault. I had the vampire, I was about to cut his head off." 

"Yeah, but I panicked. Sue me." He chuckled. "I shouldn't of yelled at you." 

I nodded. "I was scared. You were bleeding a lot." I blinked hard. 

"Yeah, I know. You should sleep a bit more, still got another three or four hours." He patted his leg. 

I was too tired to argue and just rested my head like it was when I'd woken up, feeling Dean's hand in my hair instantly. 

He started humming the music again. 

But there was something wrong with him, the way his jaw was set. 

He was angry. 

"Dean?" I shuffled so I was looking up at him. 

"Yeah?" 

"How come you didn't want me to use my grace? You said that's what I was here for a few weeks ago." I reminded him, maybe this was what he was angry about. 

Dean frowned. "I didn't mean that." 

"Then what am I here for?" 

"Because you're family. You know that." His voice sounded more clipped. 

I swallowed and thought carefully, the last thing I wanted was for Dean to get more angry. 

"But you didn't want me to heal you still. It's just something I can do just like you can cook." 

"Cooking doesn't wipe me out for two weeks and make me feel crappy. With this whole deal with your soul it's probably just best to leave your grace alone, I tried telling you that." He argued, his hand still rubbing soothing shapes in my hair and his eyes on the road.

"I guess so. But I don't mind." 

"Don't say that, Cas." Dean sighed, his jaw relaxing a little. 

He wasn't angry now. 

"It's not a lie." 

"I know it's not that's-never mind. Just get some sleep." He turned the volume of the music up a little when it changed to a song that we both liked. 

* * *

I woke up to Dean shaking my shoulder. 

"Dean?" I rubbed my eyes, looking around we were at a gas station. 

Dean grinned. "I'm gonna go and get some snacks, anything you want?" 

I shook my head and sat up, leaning against the window to wait for Dean to come back. 

"Sam and Jody are a couple of hours behind us so we'll all by home by about two in the morning. I was thinking we could watch Tombstone until they get back with some food. What do you say?" Dean rambled as he sat down, handing me a chocolate bar and a can of coke.

"Sam said I should say no to Tombstone." 

Dean rolled his eyes. "Does Sam tell you to say no to every movie suggestion I make?"

"Pretty much." I grinned. 

"You'll probably fall asleep anyway." Dean smiled. "I thought that we agreed on you watching three westerns and I'll watch three of your David Attenborough shows." 

"You won't like them though." 

"You never know, I might." He shrugged. "Drink and eat those, Cas. You need some sugar. Looking a little peaky." 

I yawned again, I didn't realise just how much healing Dean had wiped me out. 

Dean's lips pressed into a thin line. 

He was clearly still not happy about how I'd used my grace. 

I couldn't have an argument with him right now, my eyes were too heavy and I wouldn't be able to keep up. 

"Argue with me later?" I used his words which seemed to become a common phrase said between us now. 

Dean broke into a smile and rolled his eyes. "Sure, Cas." 

I sighed and moved so I was leaning against the window, watching the houses and shops fly past us as we drove quietly back to the bunker, the only sounds being the purr of the impala, the quiet music and Dean's humming along. 

It felt like no time that Dean and I were back in the bunker both of us in pjs in my bed watching 'Tombstone.'. 

Dean was right, I couldn't stay awake for it. 

He nudged me awake at the parts he wanted me to see though. 

It didn't seem half as bad as what Sam was making it out to be and Dean got so giddy when he was watching it.

I smiled up at him, watching him mouth the words. 

"What does that mean?" I asked when a character said 'I'm your Huckleberry.'

I'd been sleeping through most of it so maybe it was mentioned.

"It means 'I'm the man you're looking for'." Dean whispered.

I scrunched my eyebrows and tested out saying the line which made Dean chuckle. "Yeah just like that." 

I felt myself smiling again.

"Why do you like these movies so much, Dean?" I asked. 

He shrugged. "They were usually all that were playing on the TV when Dad would be hunting and Sam would be asleep." 

"They're not as bad as Sam said. I think I might like this one." 

"You are my Huckleberry aren't you?" Dean teased. 

My heart stopped beating for a second as I felt my cheeks heat up and a grin plastered onto my face. 

I turned my attention back to the TV as Dean pressed play. 

_The nightmares were getting worse._

_It was getting harder to get up from them._

_I'd usually get up at four thirty in the morning so I could clean myself up before starting to prepare the Gas'n'Sip and then I could open at exactly seven in the morning for when Nora arrived._

_But I found myself struggling to move until five thirty, I would be frozen on the floor by breathing ragged and my heart pounding in my chest._

_I wished I could reassure myself that the dreams weren't real but most of them had actually happened._

_The falling dream was the one I kept having this week._

_Constantly._

_I **'d start by being sat in Naomi's chair,**_

**_I was so confused by what was happening. Everything seemed wrong._ **

**_Metatron's hand was over my head, pushing my head to the back of the chair with more force than what was needed._ **

**_I thought we were friends._ **

**_I didn't understand._ **

**_"Heaven and angels, all this. That doesn't concern you anymore." Metatron explained._ **

**_I heard the familiar sound of an angel blade, I tried to look down and see what he was doing but all too soon the blade was pressed against my throat, I tried to pull away from him but his hand was heavy on my forehead. I recognised it as a memory at this point in my dream. But I was as powerless as I was the day that it actually happened._ **

**_I was pinned to the chair, hearing nothing but my grace being exposed as Metatron slid the blade through my skin. My grace was desperately trying to heal the wound but it was a mistake, I knew it was. My grace was foolishly travelling to my neck where Metatron would extract it._ **

**_And extract it he did._ **

**_"These were never trials, Castiel. This is a spell._ _What I'm taking from you now, your essence. your grace. is the last piece."_ **

**_The sound of my grace was faint, far away. It was in the vial that Metatron was staring at._ **

**_I stared back in shock, I could hear my heart beating so loud in my ears that it was hurting._ **

**_But not half as much as the wound on my neck was hurting._ **

**_I heard myself choking and trying to breathe despite the wound that now had blood trickling down my neck._ **

**I flinched as Metatron rubbed a hand over my neck, closing the wound.**

**I frantically searched for any remainder of grace but it was like my body didn't know how to anymore.**

**_"And now, something wonderful is gonna happen. For me and for you.I want you to live this new life to the fullest. Find a wife, make babies. And when you die and your soul comes to Heaven." Metatron smiled. "Find me and tell me your story."_ **

**_I tried to shake my head in protest, I wasn't useful as a human._ **

**_I wouldn't be able to fix this._ **

**_Metatron's hand was on my head and I felt cold._ **

**_Freezing as the room turned bright._ **

**_"Now go."_ **

**_Pain._ **

**_Falling._ **

**_Pain._ **

**_Falling._ **

**_Screaming._ **

**_Pain._ **

**_I'm falling all over again, the pain and the terror just as real as when it actually happened but I don't wish to just land like I had then._ **

**_I_ ** **_don't want to hit the ground. I know what it's like when I hit the ground._ **

**_I wanted Dean to be there when I hit the ground but I knew he wouldn't be._ **

_Then I would wake up with my hand clutching my throat, tears streaming down my cheeks and my alarm going off._

_It was terrifying and I didn't know how to stop it._

_Humans probably figured out how to deal with their nightmares at a young age, it would seem strange if I was to ask someone to help me with nightmares._

_I was sure Sam and Dean had bad dreams sometimes. But they never let it affect their daily lives. I was sure they wouldn't be waking up like I was doing._

_It seemed almost silly to imagine Sam or Dean struggling to breathe and crying just because of a nightmare._

"Cas! Wake up!" Dean shook my shoulder hard.

My eyes snapped open, they were wet. 

Flashes of the falling dream came into my head, my hand was on my throat, the other hand on my chest. 

"Dean?" I felt around in the dark until I found his arm. 

"Yeah, I'm here." Dean mumbled. "You okay?"

"Bad dream." I sighed. "I'll be okay." 

I turned over and tried to hide my face even though I knew he couldn't possibly see me properly in the dark room. 

I wondered what time it was, the TV was off but I was sure that Dean wanted us to stay awake for Sam and Jody getting back to the bunker with food. It was impossible to tell the time since the bunker had no windows. 

"Hey." Dean pulled my shoulder until I rolled over to face him. "What was your dream about?" 

"Why?" 

"Because you were shouting, a lot. I wanna help." 

My mind went back to when I had a nightmare a few months ago, when I first started to feel my grace again and Dean told me to just go back to sleep. 

"It's a dream." I shrugged his hand off my shoulder and lay back down so I could wipe my eyes. 

"You shouted for me, what was it?" He asked again, I could make out his eyes and the shape of him now as my eyes adjusted to the dark room. 

I sighed, my eyes heavy but my heart still pounding. 

"Was I being a dick in your dream?" He asked. 

"No. You weren't there. It-It was when I fell, Metatron." I admitted. "I didn't want to hit the ground." 

"Oh." Dean sighed. 

"I regret trusting him." 

"I know, buddy." Dean moved and wrapped an arm around me, taking advantage of my being weaker than usual so he could manhandle me into being pressed against him in a hug. 

Being this close to Dean did help, it made me realise that things got better. That the dream was only a dream but it didn't help my plans to get Dean to trust me to not need him to sleep in my room whenever I needed to sleep. 

It was too late now, he was already here. 

Dean was quiet, just rubbing circles on my back as I breathed into his shoulder. 

My heart beat slowing down as my body relaxed. 

Suddenly Dean spoke. "What would you do if you could go back and change it all? A different angel gives me a lift back here, you never even meet me. Only hear about me on angel radio. Would you change it?" 

"No." I didn't even think about my answer but I was sure. 

"Why?" Dean asked. "You'd never know what a damn nightmare even was, you'd never feel the kinda pain that you feel. Right now you'd be up in Heaven with your brothers and sisters laughing at me and Sam ruining the world all the time, making fun of whatever angel it was who would be trying their best to look after us." 

"You're missing everything else, Dean." I sighed, moving my arm from my neck so it was resting on his side. "I'd do it, all of it. If the only other option is what you just said then I'd do it the exact same. Every single time. I'd pick this over nothing." 

I hated that I knew that my words were true. I hated being in this much pain all the time, but the only other option was to of never had anything else that had happened? The thought made me feel sick. 

"You're crazy." Dean mumbled in my ear. 

"You wouldn't do it?" I asked. 

"I'd hate it, but I'd rather you be happy." He sighed. 

"I am happy." 

I knew Dean was pulling a face. 

"Sometimes."I corrected. "I was never happy in Heaven, I was never anything. Just a soldier. Here, on Earth. I have friends and I can feel so much. Sometimes it's terrible being able to feel as much as I do but then other times like when we were watching Tombstone earlier, I'd of never felt that happy ten years ago. I wouldn't of even known it to be possible."

"You're one of a kind, Cas." Dean squeezed me tighter. 

"Can I go back to sleep now?" I asked. 

"Yeah, sorry." Dean's arms started to loosen. 

"No." I pulled his arms back. 

Dean chuckled and put his arms back properly, lightly kissing my hair like he did during one of my episodes."Night, Cas." 

"Goodnight, Dean." I smiled against his shoulder. 

I would definitely take this over watching over Earth and having to answer to Zachariah, being punished whenever I showed slight emotion. 

This was so much better. 

I could handle being in pain sometimes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, how'd you find it?   
> I really hope you enjoyed this chapter even if it was mostly just shameless flirting and fluff with a few serious bits added in.   
> I love writing dean and cas slowly getting more comfortable with being so couple like even if they wont admit it to each other yet.   
> anyway, let me know how you found it and there's gonna be a new chapter either tomorrow or the day after  
> lotta love  
> C


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey sorry it's been a few days  
> thank you all so much for your comments  
> this chapter is short and sweet but i really hope that you enjoy it  
> lotta love :)

**Castiel's POV**

"Hey dude." Jerry swung the door shut and flopped down on my bed, handing me a letter. 

"What's this?" I asked. 

"You forgot to put your phone number on the letter to your friend so it got sent back to my motel. I put that as a return address in case it got sent back."

"This doesn't look like the letter I sent." I narrowed my eyes and flipped over the brown envelope which had Jerry's name and address on it. "It's open." 

"Yeah, I didn't realise what it was until I started reading. I put it back in when I realised. I re sent your letter out and said that if she wanted to write back to write to me." 

I was confused on why he didn't just add my phone number to the back of the letter but I shrugged it off. 

"So Nora wrote back?" I bit the inside of my cheek. 

"Yeah, you don't have to read it if you don't want. I can read it to you?"

I rolled my eyes. 

I could read my own letter.

He'd tell Sam and then Sam would tell Jody who then would tell Dean and then Dean wouldn't let me go to the soup kitchen tonight.

"Those three still getting on your nerves huh?" Jerry asked. 

"They mean well. I just don't need it." I sighed and flipped the envelope over in my hands a few more times. 

Jerry's lips went into a thin line. "Deniaaaaaal." He sang. 

"Shut up." I rolled my eyes. "I'm good." 

"Is that why Sam said I should try and get you out of your room today because he's barley seen you for two days?"

"Dramatic." I muttered and opened my letter.

"Whatever you say, Cas."

* * *

_To Steve (Castiel?)_

_It's lovely to hear from you again, I was starting to worry after trying to call you and nothing going through._

_I'm doing great, staying away from the bad guys at least._

_Tanya's really good, you should come up and see her or we could meet you half way or something if you still don't want to be in Idaho._

_She's started talking and walking, becoming a real piece of work but she's a sweetheart._

_I'm pretty sure I know exactly who you mean when you say your 'friends', I told you that you deserve better but I'd go right back to Harry Ramirez remember? I just hope he's treating you better now and you're happy. I get it, you don't need to beat yourself up about it. It's not like being a sales associate is the best job in the world._

_You sound like you're really hard on yourself about leaving here, honestly it's not that big of a deal I just wish you would of called or something. Maybe you could remember to leave your number on this letter so I could actually text you or call you? You don't need to thank me, I'm sure you had your reasons._

_I hope you're happier than you were when you were in Idaho._

_Speak to you soon Steve (Or whatever your real name is!)_

_Nora and Tanya x_

* * *

I reread the letter three times before I looked back up at Jerry. 

Clearly Nora had no idea still of everything that she'd helped me with but I was glad to hear that she was doing well. 

I was happier, I'd tell her that.

"She cool?" Jerry asked.

I nodded. "She's been very nice." 

"That's good huh? Ready for some food before we go out?" He nodded to the door. 

I handed him the letter. "Can you look after it? They still check my room." 

Jerry nodded and folded the letter into his pocket and followed me into the kitchen. 

"He lives." Dean teased. 

I scowled and sat down beside Jerry who sat down beside Sam. 

"Jerry and I are going out at six, I'll be back at the bunker for eleven." I chewed on the inside of my cheek, watching all of their reactions carefully. 

Since I'd healed Dean two days ago on the hunt Dean had barely left me alone for five minutes. Sam thought I should take it easy and rest for a few more days until I could go through the day without a nap at least. Jody thought they were being ridiculous but she rarely disagreed with them.

Sam nodded. 

Jody nodded. 

Dean tensed up. 

"What?" I sighed at him. "I'm fine." 

"You've been sleeping all the time." Dean pursed his lips.

"I woke up at nine today." I argued. 

"And you got out of o-your room at five."

I sighed. "I was out of bed, dressed. I'm not a child, Dean." 

"Dean, maybe you are mothering him a little?" Jody sighed.

"But what if you get tired and fall asleep driving home?" Dean ignored her. 

"That's ridiculous." I swallowed my yawn at the mentions of being tired, hopefully he wouldn't notice. 

"Maybe you should take one of us with you?" Sam suggested.

No.

"Jerry will be with me." 

"He's not driving home with you." Dean put a plate of steak and fries in front of me and sat beside Jody, fixing me with his gaze. 

Daring me to challenge him more. 

"I would stay over but I'm on call with the motel tonight." Jerry sighed. "I mean, you could just stay at my place." 

"And if he-" Dean started but my scowl at him stopped him from continuing his sentence. "All I'm saying is, you should be taking it easy. No slumber parties. Sam's right, take one of us with you." 

"No." I crossed my arms, the ache in my chest strong at the thought of exactly how everything could go wrong.

I was sure slumber parties meant that a friend stays with you through the night and that surely meant that Dean and I had been having slumber parties for weeks now so why was he so against me staying with Jerry. Not that I'd want to share the bed with Jerry like I did with Dean. I'd sleep on the sofa again at Jerry's place. 

"Then stay here." Dean growled. "Eat your damn food." 

I glowered at him. 

He was being ridiculous about this.

"How about I go with you?" Jody suggested. "I help out at the one in Sioux Falls sometimes and a lot of homeless people don't like cops so maybe I could change a few minds." 

I swallowed, she had a good point. 

It wasn't like we saw Jody all the time. 

"Fine." I sighed, the hole in my chest not aching as bad as it did at the thought of Sam or Dean coming with me. 

I knew that I could just suggest that Dean pick me up and drop me and Jerry off, but knowing him he would then insist on coming inside with me with how overbearing he'd been for the past few days.

"Great." Jody grinned. "You can stop smothering him now, Mother Dean." 

Dean rolled his eyes. "Cas, eat your food." 

* * *

I carried on at the soup kitchen with Jerry almost like Jody wasn't there, I just let Cindy show her around after texting Cindy and asking her to not tell Jody about my past first of course. 

Cindy didn't seem like she'd tell and I trusted her. 

Jody decided against telling anyone that she was a sheriff or even part of the police. Jerry and I both agreed once we arrived and heard a man who slept outside complaining about the police having him in the cells the night before and it not being a pleasant experience. 

I kept an eye on Cindy and Jody from my place pouring out the soup as Jerry handed it to everyone. 

I liked Jody, she was nice. 

But clearly her, Sam and Dean were talking about what had been going on and it made my chest ache at the thought of her knowing but I doubted that she would find out. 

Jerry and I worked well together, time going by quickly. 

I saw a few new faces which made me feel sad but I also didn't see a few people that I thought would be there, meaning they'd most likely gotten themselves 'on their feet'. 

Sleeping outside seemed like a never ending problem. 

"I like your friend, guys." Cindy came over once everyone had left and we were cleaning up. 

"She's nice." I nodded. 

"For a cop." Jerry smirked. 

Cindy's eyebrows raised. 

"Sheriff." I corrected. "She's Sam and Dean's friend so I think that means she's my friend too." 

"Course it does." Jody came over with a smile on her face. "Speaking of, they're asking where we are." She waved her phone. 

"I'll walk home, dude. You get back before Dean sends a search party." Jerry winked. 

I rolled my eyes. "Fine, I'll see you in a couple days." 

"You know it." Jerry nodded. 

I followed Jody out and back to my car in silence. 

It wasn't until we were outside the bunker that she said something. 

"You should really tell them y'know." She sighed. 

"What?" I turned around. 

"Look, I know it can't be easy but they're good guys. They'll understand." 

"Understand what?" I searched her face, there it was. 

Pity. 

I gulped as a rip ran through the hole in my chest. 

"You were like them, right? When Dean-"

_Scratch._

_She knows. She knows. She knows. She knows. She knows._

"Don't tell them." I managed to get out of my mouth before biting the inside of my cheek hard. 

"Why not?" She asked. 

_Rip._

"Because they'd look at me like that." I felt my hands shaking, I sat on them. 

"Like what?" She asked. 

"The way you are right now. I hate it. So just forget about it." I snapped, I realised that I was coming across as angry. 

Maybe it would stop her from speaking. 

But of course it didn't. 

"I'm sad that it happened to you, Cas. I'm not trying to upset you-"

_Ache._

"Just stop please." I swallowed. 

"How about we go on a walk?" She asked. 

"Dean will-"

She shook her head. "That boy dares interrupts this I'll arrest him on the spot." 

"He won't care about that." I smiled bitterly. 

"Dean says you like star gazing, let's walk. Come on. You're talking about this, like it or not." She gave me the 'Mom' look. "You might have Sam and Dean wrapped around your finger but not me, you're gonna talk about this." 

I knew from Sam speaking about that look that I shouldn't argue. 

I followed Jody out of the car and back on ourselves, down the dirt road. 

"How do you even know?" I shoved my hands into my pockets to attempt to stop the shaking. 

Jody sighed. "I'm a cop. I know when someone's hiding something and I'm good at figuring things out."

_Tear._

"But Sam and Dean are good at figuring things out." 

"Not when it comes to you apparently." Jody rolled her eyes. "Dean's been talking to me a lot okay? He's been really worried."

_Ache._

I huffed. 

Of course. 

"I started figuring it out a few days after you guys came over for dinner. That story you told about your 'friend'? That was you right? I kinda figured that's why you weren't a hugger with me being a cop. Dean had already told me kinda what was going on with you and how he thought it was his fault." 

_Rip._

"It wasn't." I grit my teeth. 

"Even I have to admit, it was." Jody sighed. "I love that boy like he was my own, but-he fucked up. He really fucked up with you and he wants to fix it but he can't because he doesn't have any idea what he did." 

_Tear._

"He didn't know." I chewed on the inside of my cheek. 

"And by the way things are going he never will. Look, after your last episode he called me up. He's not doing well with this at all, it's hurting him not knowing." 

_Ache._

I knew I was being manipulated. 

I'd been manipulated by everyone now. 

I knew the signs. But this was for Dean. She wanted Dean to be okay. 

So did I. 

"Okay, look. I'm not gonna tell you off or tell Dean or Sam. But wouldn't you rather tell them yourself instead of them figuring it out?" 

"I don't know." I swallowed. 

_Twist._

If I told them then I would watch the pity, guilt and disgust rise up onto their faces. I'd see Dean get angry and tell me to leave again. I'd see the guilt eating at them both as they'd blame themselves. I'd see it all. 

_Rip._

But.

_Crack._

If they figured it out, there would be no warning to when I would see all of that happen. I could just go into the kitchen or the library and they'd have the looks on their faces. I would have no control. I wouldn't be able to prepare the hole in my chest for it to happen. Not that I imagine that I could. 

_Ache. Ache. Ache._

"Cas, listen to me okay? We haven't known each other long but I know how much you mean to those boys and I know how much they mean to you as well. All this hiding and hurting isn't doing any of you any good. After you told Sam that about what happened with the- after you told him, you felt a bit better right?" 

Not only does she know that I was sleeping outside but now she clearly knew I'd taken those pills too. 

Why would they tell her that? 

_Scratch._

"Kind of." I quickly wiped away the tears from my cheeks, I hadn't even realised they were falling. 

I hadn't realised we'd ended up at the park, standing by my stargazing bench. 

"And did they think any less of you?"

I nodded. 

Dean hated it. I knew he hated it. 

_Ache._

Sam had been shocked. 

_Rip._

"No they didn't." Jody disagreed.

"You weren't there." I heard my voice crack so I swallowed quickly, hoping she wouldn't notice.

"I spoke to Dean afterwards." 

"Of course." I grit my teeth as I sat down. 

"He was just so-" She sighed. "Guilty." 

I nodded. "Why do you think I won't tell them? He blames himself for _everything_ anyway. I-I can't let him bl-blame himself for m-me not doing well." 

"That's not what happened." Jody sighed. "You did the best you could, I'm sure you did." 

"And the best I could do was starving and sleeping o-outside? Dirty and m-miserable? That's the best?" I groaned as more tears fell. 

I hated that I wanted Dean. 

He'd just ask what was wrong. 

It was getting harder to change the subject now. 

He never gave up asking. 

_Ache._

"Hey, don't okay. Just give yourself some credit. I mean you survived didn't you? You're here right now talking to me, helping dozens of homeless people and working cases. Hell you saved a town from twenty odd vamps a few days ago and saved Dean's life." 

"Barely survived." I muttered. "I didn't help anyone as a human, I made everything worse. I try to fix something and everything just gets a thousand times worse than before." 

"Dean said that you worked a case with him. You must of helped there. He told me you took down an angel with a broken wrist." 

I forced out a laugh but it sounded more like I was choking. 

"The Rit Zien was after me because I was coping so badly, three people died because I couldn't control my d-damn emotions."

_Rip._

"After a couple months practise? It's no wonder." 

No matter what I said she wouldn't stop talking. 

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" I wiped my eyes roughly and looked at Jody. 

The pity was there again, stronger. 

"Cas, you went through Hell in a very human way. Not many people would understand it. But Sam and Dean have a million different things running through their heads, they don't know what happened. I think you should put their minds to rest." 

"I should just get over it." I bit at my bottom lip hard to stop it from wobbling any more. 

_Twist._

"No, God. You Winchesters! You shouldn't just get over it. Talk about it. Tell Dean he was a dick and should of thought of a better way to deal with Gadreel or whatever. Tell Sam that it wasn't his fault. Tell Dean that you forgive him. Just stop acting like everything is okay. Because it's not!" 

_Ache. Ache. Ache._

"I want D-Dean." I heard myself starting to choke on my tears. 

_Ache. Ache. Ache._

"Yeah, I'll call him." Jody sighed. 

"He's-He's never gonna let me do any-anything now." 

_Scratch._

How about we walk back to the bunker then? Could give you chance to figure out what you're gonna say." 

"I'm not telling him tonight!" I forced myself to stand up and start walking, arms wrapped around my chest. 

I was too tired to talk to Sam and Dean about it tonight. 

"Cas." Jody sighed and caught up to me. "What are you so afraid of happening when you tell them?" 

_Ache._

"I just can't do it.E-ev-every time I try and tell them or th-think about it, it just hurts." 

"That's grief." Jody sighed and kept in pace with me. "I know that pain, you feel it even though there's nothing there you can feel it. I'm gonna guess yours is there." She nodded to my arms around my chest. 

I shoved my arms down and scowled ahead. 

"I don't know if Sam and Dean told you but-I lost my family. I still feel the hurt, every single day. But helping people to not go through what I did, it soothes the pain for a while. Seeing them safe-"

"That's why you're a hunter?" I asked. 

She nodded. "This pain's not gonna go away Castiel. But it makes you strong. But no one can go through this kinda pain alone. I couldn't. I speak to Sam about losing my son and my husband a lot. He's a real good listener." 

"He makes you tell him all your secrets." I muttered. 

Jody smiled. "Yeah, he's got that way about him." 

I sighed. "I'm sorry about your family, Jody. How come you don't have Sam and Dean watching you all the time if you have the same?" 

"Number one is I'm older than them both, even if it's barely ten years I'm still older." She sighed and kicked a stone up the path. "I talk about it, they know the ins and the outs. All the ugly thoughts that go on in my head and they know how I deal with it, they know that I can control it. If I ever can't, they know I'll call." 

"So they trust you?" I pressed my lips into a thin line. 

"Don't take that as them not trusting you. I have a few decades over you of knowing what emotions mean, I've had more practise. What happened to my family breaks me every time I think about it, but like I said, helping other people helps me. And right now, I wanna help you out." 

I shook my head. "There's no helping, my family hate me." 

"They're not your family." Jody disagreed. "Sam and Dean, they're your family. Bobby always said that family don't end in blood."

Angel's technically don't have blood but I understood the sentiment. 

I nodded. I wanted them to be my family. I wanted my brain to believe Dean when he told me that I was family. I wanted to belong at the bunker with them so badly. 

"You don't like that Sam and Dean don't trust you to be okay and do things on your own but you need to trust them too, Cas. You're not trusting them with this so how can they trust you?" 

I scrunched my eyebrows, swallowing down the bile that rose. 

She was right. 

"I trust them with everything." I tried arguing. 

"So speak to them." Jody sighed. 

"But what if-" 

What if Dean didn't want me anymore?

What if Sam hated me?

What if they never let me out of the bunker again?

What if they never let me in the bunker again?

What if-

"Stop." Jody put a hand on my shoulder which made me pause in my tracks. "Trust them. They're not gonna do anything but try and help out, you need to let them." 

I chewed the inside of my cheek. 

I couldn't bring myself to say it, I know I couldn't do it. 

Maybe I could write a letter like I did to Nora?

"What if I just wrote it down?" I asked shakily. 

"You think that would work?" Jody asked, carrying on walking, the bunker in sight now. 

It'll be easier than telling them, I could think carefully about what I wanted to say and I could check it. I could get Jerry to check it for me too. Neither Sam or Dean would interrupt me and throw me off track. 

I nodded slowly. "I'd just have to get Dean out of my room." 

Jody smirked. "Good luck with that one." 

"Thank you, Jody." I cleared my throat and wiped my eyes once we got to the entrance.

"You're welcome, I'm always here to talk about it. Okay?"

I nodded and opened the door. 

Sam and Dean were both at the war table with a beer each. 

"Nice walk?" Dean called, sipping his beer. "Thought you'd be 'back to the bunker for eleven'." He huffed. 

I rolled my eyes. "I'm going to bed." 

"Dean, stop being a dick." Sam snapped as I left the room, heading to my room. 

I locked the door as I got into my pjs, unlocking it and keeping it a few inches open before climbing into bed. 

It took an hour for Dean to come into my room. 

I kept my eyes closed as he got into his pjs and turned the lamps off. 

"You ain't asleep." He muttered as he got into bed. 

I sighed and opened my eyes. 

"Why are you angry?" I asked.

Shouldn't it be me who was angry?

He'd been speaking to Jody about me for weeks.

Telling her about how I'd taken those pills. 

But I was too exhausted to be angry with him. 

I could be angry with him tomorrow instead. 

"I just thought you'd be home at eleven." He mumbled.

"Sorry. Jody wanted to talk." 

"Yeah, she said that." 

"The soup kitchen was fine, I told you I'd be okay." 

"Yeah." Dean sighed and turned over so he was on his side, facing me. "Jody said you got a bit upset when you were talking, how are you feeling now?"

"Okay." I decided, the hole in my chest giving a sharp tug and ache but nothing too serious. 

"You sure? You still look a little down." 

"It's dark, you can't possibly see me." I rolled my eyes. 

"I know things." He chuckled. "C'mon talk to me." 

I shook my head. "I wanna sleep, Dean." I yawned and shut my eyes. 

"Fine, night Cas."

"Goodnight, Dean." I moved onto my stomach and got myself comfy. 

Dean did the same, soon his leg finding it's way over mine. 

"Write you a letter." I slurred as I drifted to sleep. 

Maybe Jody was right and I should just trust Sam and Dean. 

Maybe. 

* * *

I found it strange waking up in a bed still, I was always confused as to how I got there. 

As a human I'd only slept in a bed once and it wasn't the comfiest of beds. 

Not compared to the memory foam of the bunker at least. 

Dean always interrupted me in my thoughts in the morning by telling me that we needed to get up. 

My memory foam remembered him now too. 

I groaned as Dean pulled my yellow sheets away from me and pulled me out of bed, saying something about how I needed to get up now. 

"Don't you have anything better to do?" I snapped. 

"Yeah, feed you." He grinned. 

I rolled my eyes and shrugged him off, taking his robe as an act of defiance and heading to the kitchen. 

"You barely ate your dinner last night so deal with it." He put a plate of pancakes in front of me. 

"I wish I was able to smite you right now." I glared. 

I hadn't realised how much I hated the mornings as a human, usually the full day was dreadful but now it was usually the mornings that I hated the most. 

Dean laughed and sat down with his plate of pancakes. "I'd like to see you try." 

"Thank you for breakfast." I muttered. "Where are Sam and Jody?"

"Still not awake." He shrugged. 

"Sam always wakes up at six thirty." I pulled my face. "What time is it?" 

"It might be four thirty." He ran a hand through his hair. 

I glowered. "Dean, it's still night time." 

"Exactly, so eat up your pancakes and then me and you are going out." 

"Nowhere will be open in the middle of the night." I grumbled. "I've barely been asleep for three hours." 

"You can have a nap later. I won't even judge you for it." He held his hands up. 

"Where are we going?" I poured myself and him another cup of coffee. 

"It's a surprise." He waggled his eyebrows. "You don't have to get dressed though, just a coat and some shoes." 

I tilted my head. 

Where was he going to take me? 

Unless I was being sent away again after being upset with Jody. 

"When will we be back?" I tried to sound as casual as I could but I knew it wasn't a good attempt. 

"Probably by nine, earlier if you want." He shrugged. 

I nodded. "Okay, I'll come." 

"How are you feeling, Cas?" He asked. 

"Apart from you making me get up way too early I think I'm having a good day. My grace is still hiding though." I shrugged. 

"What do you mean when you say hiding?" He asked. 

"It's harder to find. Usually grace is all over my body so if you'd cut me with an angel blade then my grace would leak out. But if you were to cut me with an angel blade right now unless you found where my grace was hiding then I would just be bleeding." I pushed my plate to him to give him my last pancake. 

He pulled his face but seemed satisfied that I'd eaten two. 

"So where's it hiding?" He asked.

I shrugged. "Usually it hides in my chest but I haven't checked today." 

"How come it's hiding then?" He finished his coffee and stood up, putting our plates in the sink and heading back to my room, me following him. 

"I suppose it's so it can recharge, maybe because my soul fights against it too." I shrugged. 

Dean pursed his lips. "Would it not be easier to just have one or the other?" 

His question made me pause in putting my shoes on. 

My breath caught in the back of my throat. 

"I-I don't know." 

Dean nodded and handed me one of his jackets. "It's warmer than your trench coat." 

I put it on and followed Dean out of my room. 

I realised how ridiculous we both looked once we stepped outside into the chilly morning air. 

It was still dark outside.

We were both in our pjs. 

Dean wearing hot dog pj bottoms with his play on words t-shirt which said 'cereal killer' and had a popular horror movie character with a bowl of cereal. Then his normal boots and his dark green jacket. 

I wasn't much better in green flannel pj bottoms and the bright yellow t-shirt Sam had bought me that said 'save the fucking bees' with an angry looking bee on it. Then my shoes that I usually wore with my suit and Dean's dark yellow jacket. 

Sam and Jody would laugh a lot if they could see us. 

"Hey, Cas. Smile." Dean flashed his phone at me before I could react. 

"Dick." I grinned. 

He raised his hands. "Go on, your turn, free range." 

I grinned and took my phone out and took a photo of him too. 

"How are we both single looking like this huh?" He winked and got into the car. 

"Well you haven't been going to any bars recently and my last encounter with a woman ended in my death so-" 

Dean snorted. "I was kidding. April was a bitch." 

"She was nice for a while." I argued. 

"She tortured and killed you." He rolled his eyes. "She used you, Cas. You do realise that right?" 

I nodded as we drove off. "That doesn't mean that she wasn't nice." 

Dean sighed. "You see way too much good in everyone, some people are just bad, Cas." 

"And that's what you think you are?" I guessed. 

He nodded. "I'm not good." 

"You're wrong. You're good, Dean."

He scoffed. 

"You're driving in your pjs at five in the morning to take me on a surprise when all I've done is be grumpy with you all morning." 

"Yeah but I've not always been good to you." He muttered, frowning as he drove. 

"I don't care." I reached over and took one of his hands off the wheel and squeezed it. 

"You say that you don't care but I can see through you, man. I know that you care way too much and it scares the hell outta you." 

"Good thing I have you then." I shrugged and kept hold of his hand. 

Dean's lips pressed into a thin line. "Yeah, I guess so." 

He pulled over suddenly and pulled my tie out of his pocket. 

"What are you doing?" I asked, my hand slipping out of his. 

"It's part of the surprise." He grinned. "Do you trust me?" 

"Of course." I pushed down mine and Jody's conversation from last night. 

"Okay, I'm putting this over your eyes so you can't see." 

"Why?" I jerked away from him trying to put it over my head. "Dean, I don't like it being too dark." 

It reminded me way too much of the store room at the Gas'n'Sip, it had to be pitch black in there otherwise someone could drive past and see a light on and inform Nora. 

I hated it. 

"I'll be right here the entire time." He licked his lips. "It's just your tie. If you get really freaked out just close your eyes instead?" 

I nodded and leaned forward again so he could tie it around my head. 

Dean smoothed the tie down over my face. 

"How many fingers am I holding up?" 

"I don't know." I tilted my head. "How am I supposed to know if I can't see." 

"It's-never mind." He chuckled. "Ready to go?" 

I nodded and sat back. 

Dean started driving again. 

It was very strange to be driving around the car with the tie covering my eyes, Dean was driving slower than he usually would and was humming under his breath. I assume so I wouldn't freak out. 

It wasn't that I was scared of the dark, I just didn't like it. 

It was one of my senses being blocked after all, having my grace being blocked was bad enough but then to have my sight gone too was more than uncomfortable. 

The car stopped. 

"Can I take it off yet?" I asked. 

"Not yet." I heard Dean getting out and his door shutting, then my door opening. 

"Reach out, grab my hand." Dean mumbled, tapping on my arm until I took his hand and carefully got out of the car. 

"Where are we?" I asked, moving my head around as if it would be possible to see if I moved. 

"It's still a surprise. Just come with me." He pulled me by my hand. 

Walking blindfolded was even more disorientating, I clung onto Dean's hand heavily as I kept stumbling over what I assumed were rocks. 

"Okay, Cas. You ready?" He asked. 

"Yes." 

Dean's hand slipped from mine as he moved the blindfold away. 

He was smiling.

"What?" I asked. 

"You just look really happy." He sighed.

I smiled and looked around. 

The park? 

How was this a surprise? 

I turned back to him with a questioning look. 

"Look up." He grinned. 

I did as he asked. 

The sky was beautiful. 

The moon was missing but the stars were shining so bright that I could make out Dean's features perfectly. 

I couldn't understand how I could see so many stars without having my grace assisting my eyesight. 

"Wow." I grinned. "Why's it so bright?" 

Dean pulled me by my hand to sit on a bench. "I did some research and apparently just before a new moon the moon isn't as visible so you can see more stars and someone posted online how many stars were out tonight so I thought I'd let you get a couple hours before we could come and see them." 

I squeezed his hand and looked back at the sky. "It's perfect." 

"You're not mad that I woke you up anymore?" He chuckled. 

I shook my head and pulled my feet up so I was crossing my legs on the bench, Dean's hand left mine and instead his arm went around my shoulder. 

"Why'd you like watching the stars so much, huh?" 

"It used to be my home." I sighed, leaning on him as I looked up. "I spent thousands of years among the stars, Dean. They're very comforting." 

"Doesn't that upset you?" 

I shook my head. "I was always with them, never looking up at them from here. They were too big to comprehend from my distance but now, I can see thousands at once. I can't see their colours but I can see how they make such a beautiful picture." 

Dean pulled me closer. "You don't miss it?" 

_Ache._

"Sometimes. But I'll never be back in Heaven-"

"Cas-"

"I've accepted it. It's okay." I swallowed and pulled away, turning to face him instead. "But if I can't go back to Heaven and the closest I can get is watching the stars like this with you, I can live with that." I smiled, the stars reflecting off his eyes. 

Dean broke into a smile, his hand moving from his lap and to my cheek. 

Suddenly my eyes were closed and so were his and his lips were pressed to mine. 

My hand moved to his free hand, interlacing our fingers. 

I thought my heart was going to explode out of my chest as his lips moved against mine. 

It was nothing like Meg. 

Nothing like April. 

Certainly nothing like the man with the pills. 

It was Dean. 

Dean was kissing me. 

But then he pulled away. 

"You're perfect, Cas." He breathed, I felt his breath on my face he was still that close. 

I closed the distance and kissed him again. 

"Thank you for this." I whispered. 

"I didn't exactly plan that part." He chuckled. "Couldn't resist." 

I turned back to the stars, leaning my head on his shoulder as I watched. 

But inside my heart was pounding against my chest. 

Why had he done that? 

I wasn't upset at all, If anything the hole in my chest was pretty silent. 

There was no reason for him to kiss me. 

He'd only kissed my hair three times. 

Two were during my worst episode. 

The last was after my nightmare a few days ago. 

He only really held my hand when I was having a bad day. 

It didn't make any sense. 

Did I ruin it by kissing him again? 

"You okay?" Dean mumbled. 

I nodded. 

"Sure?" 

I nodded again. 

"Do you wanna go home yet?" 

I shook my head. 

The stars were soothing.

I knew exactly how stars worked, I knew what they were made out of, roughly when they were each created. 

I could tell by looking at them if God made them, an archangel or an angel. 

Knowing which stars were part of each constellation, I knew who made each constellation too. 

I knew all of the answers when it came to the sky. 

The stars disappeared after a while, the sun starting to rise slowly. 

The sky exploding with colours. 

I turned to see if Dean was looking but his eyes were closed. 

"Dean look." I whispered. 

Dean's eyes opened, his eyes were warm, the orange and reds in the sky bouncing off them. "Wow. Pretty." 

I grinned. "It's a new day." 

"What kinda day is that?" 

"A really good one." I narrowed my eyes as the sun started to rise properly, getting in our eyes. 

"Really good, huh?" Dean grinned. 

I nodded. "It's beautiful don't you think?" I sighed as the sky started to fill with the most amazing colours. 

"Sure is." Dean leaned forwards and kissed me again, his hand in my hair. 

"Why'd you keep doing that?" I asked when he pulled away. 

"You don't want me to?" His cheeks went the colour of the sky. 

I shook my head. "I like it, I just- I don't understand. I'm not having an episode or a nightmare and- I just-I'm confused." 

"I'm not doing it to make you feel better." Dean sighed. "I'm doing it because I want to and I think you do too?" 

I nodded. "I want to." 

"You're sure?" 

I nodded again. "I didn't think you did." 

"I've wanted to do that for a while, Cas." He gripped my hands. 

"Why didn't you?" I asked.

"It was never the right time y'know. I was scared. You're a freaking angel. I didn't wanna-" He sighed. "You were too hurt, I didn't wanna mess you up even more than I already did." 

"I'm okay." I shook my head. "You could of just asked." 

"And what would happen if you said no?" 

"I wouldn't of said no." I smirked.

Dean grinned and pulled me into him again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, very sorry it was short and didn't have a flashback   
> how did you all find jody and cas' chat?  
> what about the breakthrough with cas and dean?   
> I honestly think that jody can relate to cas a lot but again only to a certain extent.  
> anyway, a new chapter either tomorrow or the next day.  
> let me know how you found this one.  
> lotta love :)


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey dudes  
> i'm blown away from the response of the last chapter, you're all so lovely!  
> i really hope you enjoy this chapter just as much  
> let me know,  
> lotta love  
> C

**Castiel's POV**

_To Sam and Dean,_

No.

That's too formal.

_~~To Sam and Dean~~ _

_Sam and Dean,_

Maybe I shouldn't have the 'and'. 

_~~Sam and Dean,~~ _

_Sam, Dean,_

Now that just looks strange. 

_~~Sam, Dean,~~ _

_Sam and Dean,_

Maybe I shouldn't even have their names, I would give it to them both in person anyway.

They would know it was for them.

~~_Sam and Dean,_ ~~

~~~~But it would look strange just having me start a letter without addressing it to someone.

_Sam and Dean,_

But since Dean and I were different now should I write separate letters? 

_~~Sam and Dean~~ _

_Dean,_

But that would mean writing two letters. 

And that would take so much longer. 

_~~Dean,~~ _

_Sam and Dean,_

Should I put Dean first?

_~~Sam and Dean,~~ _

_Dean and Sam,_

Now it looked even more wrong. 

_~~Dean and Sam,~~ _

_Sam and Dean,_

I groaned in frustration. 

The page was messy and half filled with just their names. 

Maybe this wouldn't work. 

Maybe Jody was wrong. 

She was going back to Sioux Falls today anyway. 

I needed to be in the kitchen in ten minutes for dinner before she would leave. 

I at least wanted to show her that I was trying but I couldn't just bring her a messy sheet of paper with scribbled out names. 

"Cas? Dinner's almost ready." Jody knocked on my door. 

"Come in." I sighed. 

"What's up?" She asked, walking over to my desk. 

"I can't do it." I huffed, staring at the half filled paper of names. 

Jody frowned and picked up the paper. 

"You're overthinking this a lot huh?" 

"It needs to be perfect, I don't want them to misunderstand." I swallowed the bile rising in my throat. 

"I think no matter what it's gonna need talking about after they read it, you're not gonna avoid that." She sighed and put the paper back down. "Just don't worry about it being perfect, write whatever feels right and cross out whatever you don't like at the end. There's nothing wrong with having a few drafts." 

"But I need to finish it tonight or Dean will find it when we go to bed." I bit my lip. 

"Tell him to stay in his own room." Jody rolled her eyes. "You don't need a twenty four hour baby sitter, there's no reason he should be sleeping in here when you're not having a bad day." 

I swallowed. 

I didn't want to tell her about the other morning. 

It felt more special if it was just between Dean and I. 

He'd only kissed me twice since then, just before bed that night and last night too. 

I didn't want to ruin it. 

"I guess so." I sighed. 

"So put that somewhere safe and come and get some dinner. I've barely seen you today." She squeezed my shoulder. 

I nodded and undid the photo frame of Dean in the apron on my desk and put the letter behind the photo before screwing it back together. 

"You have gotta send me that by the way." Jody snorted and led me to the kitchen. 

Sam and Dean grinned when we came into the kitchen. 

"Starting to think you're nocturnal, Cas." Sam teased. 

I rolled my eyes. "I've been awake since ten." 

"Only cos I dragged your ass up." Dean chuckled. "I swear, I thought angels would be morning people." 

"Clearly not." I pulled my face as I sat down. "What's for dinner?"

"Special occasion, I thought we could have my burgers. Sound good?" Dean winked. 

I nodded. 

"So, next time we deal with twenty plus vamps how about we call Rudy in or something?" Jody grinned. 

"We would of been fine if Dean wasn't such a drama queen." Sam smirked. 

Dean rolled his eyes and gave us each our plates of food before sitting down. 

"I stand by my decision." He grinned. "What's next for you Jody? Full time hunter?" 

Jody laughed. "Maybe not full time, I still have all of Sioux Falls to protect. But maybe I'll do a few more cases." 

"We'll be happy to come along whatever you end up hunting, right guys?" Sam grinned.

"Right." I nodded. 

"Course." Dean grinned. 

I ate my food in silence as I tried to think about what I could put in my letter. 

Having Sam and Dean not smiling didn't sit well with me.

They were smiling right now as they laughed and joked with Jody.

I hated that they probably wouldn't be smiling by later on tonight.

But I needed to finish the letter. 

_Dean,_

_I know that you can't hear me because of course humans can't hear other humans praying._

_There wouldn't be any point in trying to pray to any of my brothers and sisters, they'd find me and kill me instantly or worse they could try and get your location from me. So of course I won't do that._

_I've always believed in you more than my brothers and sisters._

_I've never even met my Father._

_But I've met you._

_I know you._

_I know you did this to protect Sam._

_I understand that, I think._

_But you never told me why exactly it was dangerous._

_Please tell me why._

_Am I not worth an explanation?_

_Have I fallen that far in your eyes?_

_I hope that it's my brain 'over thinking' and it's not true._

_Thinking about you believing that hurts so much._

_I'm struggling._

_I want you to call._

_I want you to tell me that you miss me too._

_Even if it's a lie._

_I'm afraid that I'll never stop missing you._

_Please just tell me what to do, Dean._

_You always tell me what to do but this time you didn't._

_I still need you._

_I need you so much and it's hurting._

_I refuse to believe my brothers and sisters._

_They said that you only wanted me because I was useful._

_I don't want to believe that._

_But you're making it so difficult to not believe._

_I keep telling myself that it was just bad timing._

_That I became human just as it became dangerous to be friends with me._

_That you don't want me because it's dangerous. Not because I'm not useful anymore._

_But if it was dangerous, surely you could at least call me?_

_Dean please prove my thoughts wrong._

_Please._

_I miss you._

_I'm scared I'm not going to survive out here._

_It's so cold in Idaho._

_But you sent me here so there must be a reason._

_You must want me here for some reason._

_I'll wait here for you to call._

_I'll make you proud of me, Dean._

_You'll see._

_I'm sorry._

_Always your friend,_

_Cas._

_Praying to Dean made my chest hurt, my eyes burn and my hands shake violently. But who else could I speak to? I didn't want to speak to anyone else._

_Everyone else was terrifying. Anyone could be an angel, I wouldn't be able to tell anymore._

_Dean told me to be careful._

_That meant he still cares right?_

_It didn't even matter that I'd prayed._

_He'd never hear any of it anyway._

I blinked hard, trying to get my prayer from last year out of my head before it would make the hole in my chest hurt. 

I needed to soothe it as much as possible today. 

I needed to finish my letter and then I could hurt as much as I felt like when I would go to the park. 

But the prayer that I'd said to Dean wouldn't be suitable for the letter anyway. 

Maybe I should just write a few sentences. 

'When I was human I was sleeping outside, it wasn't either of your faults.' 

And that would be it. 

But then there would be the questions. 

'Why?' 

'Where did you sleep?' 

'Why didn't you ask for help?' 

'Why didn't you say anything when we saw you?'

"Cas, you okay?" Sam nudged me with his elbow.

I nodded. "I'm fine." 

"Okay, Jody's about to go. Wanna come say bye?" 

I looked up properly and realised that it was only Sam and I in the kitchen now. 

"Yes, of course." I cleared my throat and stood up, following Sam out of the bunker where we found Dean and Jody mid hug outside by her car. 

I would miss having Jody here, she was so much nicer than I thought she would be and she'd stopped giving me the look of pity after a day of knowing. 

I'd been worried I wouldn't be able to look at her again but she was okay. 

Jody let go of Dean and looked to me. 

"Bring it in."

I walked to her and hugged her. 

"You let me know how that letter goes, okay? Only a phone call away if you need anything." 

"Thank you, Jody." I let go. 

"Drive safe." Sam hugged her next with a big grin. 

"Always." Jody chuckled and hugged him back. 

"I was thinking we could have another movie night if you want?" Dean mumbled to me as we waved Jody off. 

It did sound like a peaceful night. 

But I couldn't. 

If I didn't finish my letter I doubted that I ever would. 

"Maybe another night?" I looked up at him. 

Dean frowned. "What do you wanna do then?" 

"I just need to be alone for a few hours." I gulped. 

What if he thought I just didn't want him? 

Dean nodded. "Yeah, I'll go and hustle some pool with Sam? Be home for around midnight, how's that sound?" 

"That sounds good." I attempted a smile. 

I'd hopefully of finished it by then. 

It was barely seven now, that gave me around five hours. 

"Sure you'll be okay here on your own?" He asked.

"Of course." I rolled my eyes. 

"Text me if anything goes wrong." He sighed. "I mean it." 

"I promise I will." I sighed back at him. 

Dean squeezed my shoulder and turned to Sam, explaining the new evening plans as I went inside the bunker. 

A few hours alone with the letter should help. 

I pulled the letter from the photo frame and stared at it. 

~~_To Sam and Dean,_ ~~

~~_Sam and Dean,_ ~~

~~_Sam, Dean,_ ~~

~~_Sam and Dean,_ ~~

~~_Sam and Dean,_ ~~

~~_Dean,_ ~~

~~_Sam and Dean,_ ~~

~~_Dean and Sam,_ ~~

_Sam and Dean,_

I could write this. 

But my hands were starting to shake a little. 

I made my way to Dean's room and took the whiskey from behind his bed, he hadn't slept in here for weeks so he wouldn't remember it was there anyway. 

Drinking helped to settle my hands. 

_When I was human I was sleeping outside, it wasn't either of your faults._

_Castiel._

No. 

That was too formal. 

~~_Castiel_ ~~ _Cas_

The questions that Sam and Dean would have swirled around in my head then. 

I groaned and wrote the first question they'd ask down. 

~~_Cas_ ~~

_Why? - Because I couldn't afford accommodation._

They wouldn't feel guilty about that. 

I nodded to myself as I took another swig of the whiskey, writing down the next questions. 

_Where did you sleep? - The park and when I was working at the Gas'n'Sip I sometimes slept in the store room._

_Why didn't you ask for help? -I didn't want to bother you, you are both very busy and were trying to fix my mistake._

I took a bigger drink of whiskey as the hole in my chest wailed at writing that down. 

I pushed the thoughts down, I would get through writing this. 

_Why didn't you s_ _ay anything when we saw you?_

My alcohol tolerance was definitely improving, I used to get very tired after three or four drinks but now I had to have a fifth to just get my hands to stop shaking. 

I grit my teeth and carried on writing, pressing the pen a little to hard into the paper. 

_-I was ashamed, I wanted to show you that I was useful and I couldn't be useful to you if I didn't have a home._

_Cas_

I took another sheet of paper out and re wrote the letter without any of the corrections. 

_Sam and Dean,_

_When I was human I was sleeping outside, it wasn't either of your faults._

_Why?- Because I couldn't afford accommodation._

_Where did you sleep? The park and when I was working at the Gas'n'Sip I sometimes slept in the store room._

_Why didn't you ask for help? I didn't want to bother you, you are both very busy and were trying to fix my mistake._

_Why didn't you say anything when we saw you? I was ashamed, I wanted to show you that I was useful and I couldn't be useful to you if I didn't have a home._

_Cas._

I rubbed my eyes and sighed, it seemed okay. 

It explained what had happened and answered the questions that I thought they would ask, it shouldn't make them feel guilty.

It was short and straight to the point.

They'd read it in two minutes. 

I pulled my phone out and took a photo with my phone to send the picture to Jerry. 

**Me: I've written this to Sam and Dean, do you think it's okay?**

He'd helped me with my letter to Nora and his opinion is important to me. 

It took Jerry an hour to respond. 

**Jerry: I'm outside, come let me in.**

I sighed but went out of my room and to the entrance. 

Jerry sighed at me when he saw the bottle of whiskey in my hand. "That explains it." 

"What?" I tilted my head. "I'm not drunk at all." 

"Show me the letter." He walked into my room and leaned on my desk, pulling the letter up. "Cas-"

"It explains it all." I defended. 

"It sounds like a freaking e-mail you'd send to a co worker you hate." He sighed. "You can't give them this." 

"Why not?" I sighed and sat on my bed. 

"Because you deserve to tell them everything that happened, this won't make you feel any better. I guarantee it." He shook the letter. 

I groaned and got up, sitting on the chair at my desk. "What do you suggest?"

"Just start again, man. I'll help you out." 

I chewed the inside of my cheek as I crossed it all out. 

~~_Sam and Dean,_ ~~

~~_When I was human I was sleeping outside, it wasn't either of your faults._ ~~

~~_Why?- Because I couldn't afford accommodation._ ~~

~~_Where did you sleep? The park and when I was working at the Gas'n'Sip I sometimes slept in the store room._ ~~

~~_Why didn't you ask for help? I didn't want to bother you, you are both very busy and were trying to fix my mistake._ ~~

~~_Why didn't you say anything when we saw you? I was ashamed, I wanted to show you that I was useful and I couldn't be useful to you if I didn't have a home._ ~~

~~_Cas._ ~~

"What should I start it with?" I looked up at him.

"Just their names and then tell them why you're writing it down instead of just telling them." Jerry snatched the whiskey from my hand and put it on the shelf above my bed before coming back to lean on the desk. 

I nodded and scrunched my eyebrows. 

_Sam and Dean,_

_You both wanted me to tell you what happened when I was human but I can't tell you so I thought that I could write it down instead._

I looked to Jerry. 

"Tell them why you can't tell them." 

I shrugged. 

"C'mon Cas, you can do this." He patted me on the shoulder. "You got this." 

I sighed. "I can't tell them because it hurts." 

"Write it down then. Be as honest and open as you can so then they don't need to ask you any questions." 

"Alright." I sighed. 

_~~You both wanted me to tell you what happened when I was human but I can't tell you so I thought that I could write it down instead.~~ _

_You both wanted me to tell you what happened when I was human but I can't tell you because it hurts when I try, I know I won't be able to explain it right and I get scared that I'll just end up having an episode instead of finishing telling you so I thought that I could write it down instead._

"How's this?" I asked. 

"Much better." Jerry smiled. "The thing you wrote earlier when you said that you were sleeping outside was good, you just gotta elaborate. Answer all the questions by just telling them." 

I nodded and chewed on the inside of my cheek. 

I knew that I hadn't picked up the pen yet, I knew I was just staring at the paper in front of me. 

Jerry ran a hand through his hair. "Where are they anyway?" 

"Hustling pool. Back by midnight." I swallowed, checking the time I only had a couple more hours. 

How long had I been staring at the paper for? 

"Coffee break? You look wiped out." 

I nodded and followed Jerry to the kitchen. 

"Why are you writing it down, dude?" Jerry took the cup of coffee and sipped. 

"I told you, because it hurts." I sighed. 

"I know but-I mean, it doesn't seem like you to just write it down. I mean you haven't even tried to tell them. You tried to see Nora three times before you decided to write to her." 

"Exactly and each time I ended up having an episode. I don't want them to have to take care of me when I'm half way through telling them this. I'll lose my place and get confused and-" I sighed. "It just won't work." 

"If you say so." Jerry bit his lip. "Why now? I thought you were happy with never telling them?"

"Jody knows." I explained. "She figured it out and she pointed out that they'd figure it out too." 

"So why not let them figure it out?" Jerry asked, raising his eyebrows. "I mean it means a lot less effort on your end." 

I shook my head. "There wouldn't be any warning. They'd just _know._ And they'd assume things and look at me like _that._ Then Dean would j-just blame himself and drink in his room for weeks and maybe send me away again." I poured myself another coffee.

_Ache_

_Ache_

_Ache_

"I don't think he's gonna send you away, but the drinking in his room for weeks. I can see that. It's gotta be a controlled thing is what you're saying?" 

I nodded. "Exactly." 

"Okay, so maybe keep it short. Not too long."

"Why?" I asked, Jerry had told me just a few hours ago to elaborate and make it longer. 

"Because I'll bet as soon as they read the first few line's they're gonna want answers and it wouldn't surprise me if they stop reading half way through and try and talk to you instead." 

I rolled my eyes, them talking to me about it didn't seem likely. 

Communication wasn't the most common thing in the bunker. 

But I had to admit Jerry did have a point about them stopping reading. 

"So what do you suggest?" 

"Honestly? I'd say 'I was homeless when I was human, I would sleep in the park because I didn't have enough money. It was really hard, I don't blame either of you for it but it's fucked me up.' And then you need to tell them some of the things that happened." 

I grit my teeth and sighed. 

"I really really don't want to do this." 

"I know, man. But sometimes you've gotta do the things you don't wanna do so you can heal from it. You didn't go through it all for nothing, there's gotta be a reason." 

"The reason is I was stupid." I ran a hand over my face and stood up. "I've only got an hour or so until they're back. I need to make sure it's okay." 

"Yeah, I'll go when they get back. Work at ten." 

"You can go now if you want." I bit the inside of my cheek. "You should sleep for work." 

Jerry shrugged. "I'll score a ride home from Sam." 

I nodded and led the way back to my room, making sure to shut and lock the door in case we didn't realise that Sam and Dean arrived back. 

_When I was human, I was sleeping outside._

Just eight words took what felt like hours to write. 

Ink blots all over from pressing the pen too hard into the paper. 

_It wasn't either of your faults._

That didn't take as long. 

I felt like writing that for the full page. 

I needed them to know it wasn't their fault. 

**Dean: On the way home, be ten minutes.**

I folded the paper and stuffed it behind the photo frame. I took the crumpled paper from before, the first draft and ripped it into small pieces and put it in the bin. 

"They're on the way." I swallowed. 

Dean would come to my room straight away and want to get ready for bed. 

But what if he noticed that something was different about the photo frame? 

What if he couldn't sleep and went to my desk and he somehow found the letter? 

I couldn't let him. 

"You gotta send me a picture of the letter before you give it to them, I'll come over tomorrow and help you with it?" Jerry asked as we left my room, heading to the library. 

"Of course." I nodded. "I-I think I'll carry on writing it tonight." 

"You probably shouldn't, I mean you were shaking pretty bad when you were writing it anyway." 

"I don't need a baby sitter." I growled. 

Jerry held his hands up. "Just a suggestion, dude. Just take care of yourself. I'm gonna wait outside and score a ride before they put the car in the garage." He patted me on the shoulder and went to the entrance. 

It wasn't long before Dean was in the library. 

"Hey, Cas. How was your alone time?" 

"Fine. Jerry came over." 

"Yeah." His lips went into a thin line. "Sam's taking him home." 

I nodded. 

"You tired?" He asked. 

I shook my head and stood up. 

"How about that movie?" 

The movie would have to be in my room, he didn't have a TV in his room. 

There would be a small chance of me falling asleep and then he wouldn't know that I didn't want him to sleep in my room tonight. 

No. 

I shook my head again. 

"Why not?" He asked. 

"I just want to be alone for a while." I swallowed. 

Dean's frown deepened. 

"Yeah cos you were so alone with Jerry." He huffed. 

"I didn't ask him to come over." I snapped back. 

Dean rolled his eyes. "Whatever Cas. Be alone for a bit, just text me when you're going to bed." He stormed away, slamming his bedroom door. 

_Scratch, Scratch, Scratch._

I swallowed and went to my room, shutting the door as quietly as I could and locking it. 

The letter inside the photo frame was completely not usable with half of it being crossed out but I could still use it as the draft. 

_I don't want either of you to blame yourselves, it wasn't that bad._

_I'm trying to get over it but it's hard and when I think about it, it still hurts._

_I didn't tell you when you_

"Is your door locked?" Dean's voice filled my ears. 

"Yes." I checked my phone. 

Two in the morning. 

"Unlock it." 

I folded the paper back up and put it in the photo frame. 

"Now." Dean growled. 

"I'm coming." I sighed.

"I'll pick the lock. You know I will." Dean warned.

I unlocked it and opened the door. "You don't need to." 

Dean's eyes studied my face and then went to my arms. 

I glowered. 

"I'm fine." 

"You look like you need twelve hours sleep." 

"I assure you, I don't." I blinked hard, trying to force the tiredness out of my body. 

"You gonna let me in?" Dean licked his lips. "I'm tired too y'know." 

"I-I wanna sleep alone tonight." 

Dean looked like I'd just slapped him in the face. 

"Why?" 

"I just do." 

"You're a shitty liar, Cas." 

I sighed. "Just tonight." 

Dean ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath. "Just let me in for five minutes?" 

"Why?" 

"I just wanna talk to you, I've barely seen you today." He was trying to hide the anger on his face but I could see right through it. 

"Can we talk in your room?" I asked, my mind focused on the photo frame. 

"Is there something in here you don't want me to see?" He tried looking past me. 

I shook my head. "I just wanna talk in your room." 

"Promise me there's nothing that can hurt you in there." 

"I promise." I sighed. "I'm not even having a bad day so I'm not going to have an episode." 

Dean nodded his head and I followed him to his room, shutting my door tight. 

He sat on his bed and nodded to beside it for me to sit down. 

I did as he said. 

"What's goin' on, Cas?" He sighed. 

"Nothing." 

"Are you freaking out about me and you?" Dean clearly didn't believe me. 

"Me and you?" I tilted my head. 

"Me and you." He nodded. "Y'know the uh- the kissing and-"

Why would he think that? 

I told him that I wanted that.

"I'm not freaking out." I rolled my eyes. "I told you I liked it." 

Dean's cheeks turned pink. "I know you did but- I mean all of a sudden you don't want me and you're not letting me in your room-"

"I want you." I shook my head. "Just-I need to be alone tonight." 

"You're sure you still want me then?" He mumbled. 

I found myself colliding with him, my arms wrapped around his shoulders, his wrapping around my waist. 

"Of course I do." I mumbled into him. 

"It's gonna be weird sleeping in here." He chuckled. "But tomorrow I was thinking if you're up for it we could go to the movie theatre in town? We were really lucky with pool tonight." Dean pulled away and settled for just holding my hands.

"Jerry wants to see me tomorrow." I mumbled, angry because I'd actually really like to go with him. 

But the letter was important. 

Jody was waiting on me updating her. 

Dean scowled, letting go of my hands. "Of course Jerry wants to see you." 

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked. 

"You'd rather talk to Jerry than actually go on a freaking date with me then?" He bit his lip, looking away.

"A date?" I swallowed. 

Guilt seeped out of the hole in my chest. 

_Twist, Ache, Twist._

"Yeah, Cas. A date. That's usually what people who kiss and share the bed do together." 

"I-"

I wanted to explain, but what could I even say? 

"Have you even told Jerry what's going on with us?" 

"No, but I-"

I didn't even know what I would say to Jerry about what had happened, it wasn't like Dean and I had even spoken about it properly. 

Dean ran a hand over his face. "Of course you haven't. Because he hates my guts right? And you're scared that he'll tell you off for it? Try and convince you it's a bad idea?"

"You're just assuming all of that." I argued. 

"Then why haven't you told him? I told Sam. I told him as soon as we got back from the park." 

That didn't sound like something Dean would do.

"I-I didn't know that." 

"I know, because you've barely been out of your room since. If you don't want this you should of just said so. I'd of got over it." Dean wasn't doing very well at hiding his anger anymore. 

If he sends me away at least he'd never read the letter. 

He'd never know. 

But Jody said it was hurting him not knowing. 

_Ache_

_Ache_

_Ache_

"It's not like that." I shook my head. "Dean-"

"Whatever. Just go be alone." He growled and stood up, opening the door for me. 

I stormed out and slammed my door behind me, locking it. I grabbed the photo frame and put it under my pillow and lay in bed, turning the lights off. 

I wanted to go back to Dean's room and apologise but then he would want to come into my room. 

Maybe a night apart would be okay. 

But then maybe he would realise that he didn't want me again. 

My heart was beating a mile a minute. 

It took hours and hours to get to sleep and when I did it was restless. 

I missed Dean. 

I'd been trying so hard to prove to him that I didn't need him to stay in my room every night but clearly I did want him there. 

* * *

After the third time waking up I decided to actually get up for the day and give up on sleep. 

It was barely six in the morning but I went to the bathroom and showered, getting some coffee from the kitchen and going back to my room. 

I'd wait until Dean had woken up to apologise to him. 

He was right to be angry, he thought I didn't want him anymore. 

He was wrong. 

But I understood how much that hurt. I didn't want him to hurt. 

Maybe I could finish the letter before he woke up and then I could tell Jerry it was unnecessary for him to visit me and I could spend the day with Dean. 

One last time before I gave him and Sam the letter. 

If he still wanted that of course.

Pulling the letter out of the frame and setting it down was irritating, I never wanted to write anything ever again. 

_I didn't tell you when you saw me because I was ashamed and I thought that it wouldn't take me much longer to get on my feet. I had a job and I thought I was doing better, I was almost there. And you already weren't proud of me for working at the Gas'n'Sip so I thought that if I had a home to let you stay in if you were to visit again then that would make you proud of me. I didn't want to disappoint you._

I sighed. Surely that was enough explanation for that question. 

It was hard to think of what else I should write, I shoved the letter into my pocket and headed back to the kitchen. 

"Morning Cas." Sam grinned. "You're up early." 

"Couldn't sleep." I mumbled and poured some coffee. 

"Yeah, I kinda heard a little of last night. You okay?" 

"I'm fine. Sorry I woke you up." I muttered. 

"It's fine. You guys will sort it out, you always do." 

I tilted my head at him. 

How did I not realise that Sam knew what Dean and I were doing? Why didn't he say anything? 

"Yeah, hopefully."

I realised that this might be one of the last times I would see Sam as friends. 

I might be leaving as soon as tonight if I finished the letter. 

"Are you sure you're okay, Cas?" Sam asked. 

I shook my head before I realised. "I'm sorry." 

"What's going on? Are you upset about your fight with Dean?"

I shook my head again. "No."

"Then what is it?" 

I couldn't just tell him that I realised how awfully I'd miss him. 

He'd get suspicious and angry. 

"I-I-" I groaned. "It doesn't matter. I'm going to my room." 

"Keep the door open." 

"No." I muttered as I left the kitchen. 

I shut and locked the door, sliding to sit down in front of it, pulling the letter out from my pocket.

The letter glared at me and I glared back.

_You both always blame yourselves for everything but this wasn't your faults. It was mine._

_I was stupid and trusted Metatron and I wasn't smart enough to figure out how to be good at being a human._

_I'm trying to get better, I know I'm still not good at it but I'm trying my best._

_I'm sorry for putting you through my behaviour these past few months, it's not been fair._

_If I knew that I would be like this then I wouldn't of come back here._

_It wasn't that bad when I became an angel again, it was like I was healed but now I see that it was just like a temporary fix._

_My soul and my grace attack each other and make the memories worse._

_I'm working on controlling it._

_Now you know all of my mistakes._

_I know it's disgusting and you probably think lower of me, Jody and Jerry said that you won't but I know that you used to think highly of me and watching me fall like this isn't ideal._

_I'm sorry that this happened at all._

_Now you know everything._

_Cas._

I clung onto my chest as I finished it. 

It was messy and full of inkblots. 

But I'd finished it. 

It was done. 

Checking the time it was ten in the morning, still too early to have a proper drink. 

I sighed and shoved the letter in my pocket before getting up and unlocking the door, seeing an irritated Sam behind it. 

"I was just coming to check on you and I heard you unlocking the door." 

"It's unlocked now." I swallowed and slipped past him, heading to the kitchen for more coffee. 

"That's not the point, Cas." Sam sighed. 

"I just- I'll be done in an hour." 

"What are you doing in there." 

"It doesn't matter." I defended. 

"Clearly it does because you've been crying." 

"Whatever." I moved past him again, carrying my coffee to my room and shutting the door, locking it. 

I grabbed my notepad and pen from the desk before sitting back down in front of the door. 

Sam clearly gave up because I stopped hearing him shuffling around outside my door after a few minutes. 

It took a while to write the letter neatly on the new sheet of paper.

I kept on having to stop and sit on my hands for a few minutes to stop shaking. 

This was so final. 

_Sam and Dean,_

_You both wanted me to tell you what happened when I was human but I can't tell you because it hurts when I try, I know I won't be able to explain it right and I get scared that I'll just end up having an episode instead of finishing telling you so I thought that I could write it down instead._

_When I was human, I was sleeping outside._

_It wasn't either of your faults._

_I don't want either of you to blame yourselves, it wasn't that bad._

_I'm trying to get over it but it's hard and when I think about it, it still hurts._

_I didn't tell you when you saw me because I was ashamed and I thought that it wouldn't take me much longer to get on my feet._

_I had a job and I thought I was doing better, I was almost there._

_And you already weren't proud of me for working at the Gas'n'Sip so I thought that if I had a home to let you stay in if you were to visist again then that would make your proud of me._

_I didn't want to disappoint you._

_You both always blame yourselves for everything but this wasn't your faults._

_It was mine._

_I was stupid and trusted Metatron and I wasn't smart enough to figure out how to be good at being a human._

_I'm trying to get better, I know I'm still not good at it but I'm trying my best._

_I'm sorry for putting you through my behaviour these past few months, it's not been fair._

_If I knew that I would be like this then I wouldn't of come back here._

_It wasn't that bad when I became an angel again, it was like I was healed but now I see that it was just like a temporary fix._

_My soul and my grace attack each other and make the memories worse._

_I'm working on controlling it._

_Now you know all of my mistakes._

_I know it's disgusting and you probably think lower of me, Jody and Jerry said that you won't but I know that you used to think highly of me and watching me fall like this isn't ideal._

_I'm sorry that this happened at all._

_Now you know everything._

_Cas._

I carefully folded the letter and put it in the envelope. 

It was only then that I realised I'd never sent it to Jerry. 

**Me: I finished the letter but I've already sealed it, I think that it's okay.**

**Jerry: Are you sure?**

**Me: Yes.**

**Jerry: I finish work at five, are you giving it to them today?**

**Me: It will be later, I want to spend some time with them first. Please don't come over, I can see you after I've given it to them.**

I shoved my phone in my pocket and stood up, putting the letter under my pillow. 

It was one in the afternoon now, Dean must be awake.

I swallowed and made my way to his room and knocked. 

Dean came over and opened the door. 

"I'm sorry." I chewed on the inside of my cheek.

"Come in?" Dean held the door open. 

I nodded and let him shut the door behind me. 

Before I knew it I was pressed up against the door, Dean's lips on mine, his hand in my hair. 

I relaxed into him. 

I would miss this. 

It felt almost wrong to let him do this when I would be leaving tonight. 

But I was too selfish to not have it. 

"I'm sorry, baby." Dean mumbled and kissed me again, pulling me towards his bed. 

"I still want you, I promise." I gripped his shirt as he pushed me onto the bed, hovering above me. 

"Me too, never stopped." He pulled his face away from mine and stroked the tears I didn't realise were falling away. "What's the matter?"

"I just missed you." 

_And I will miss you forever._

_I miss you right now._

Dean smiled and leaned down to kiss me again. "Dammit Cas." He sighed. 

"Can we go on a date now?" I asked. 

Dean chuckled. "Course we can, what do you wanna do?" 

"You said you wanted to see a movie." 

"The new X-men does look good, you haven't seen the others though-"

"I don't mind." 

_Whatever you want._

"Okay, have you eaten anything yet?"

I shook my head. 

"Lunch and a movie, very classic of us." He chuckled, leaning down and kissing me again. "Get dressed and I'll meet you at the car in ten?"

I nodded and tried to get out from under him but he pinned me and kissed me again. 

I found myself laughing under him. "How can I get dressed if you won't let me up?" 

"Fight me off." He winked, leaning down again. 

I tried pushing his shoulders but my hands somehow ended up in his hair, pulling him closer into me. 

I could stay like this forever, it was so warm and nothing could possibly hurt. 

Dean grinned against me. "Okay. I'll let you go and get dressed, just one more." 

"Okay." I smiled back and kissed him again, pushing his shoulders so we were both sat up. 

Dean moaned against my mouth. "So good, Cas." He sighed. 

I felt myself blush. "The car in ten?" I caught my breath and unhooked my arms from around his neck. 

He nodded, his lips swollen and cheeks pink. 

I quickly left to my room and shut the door. 

_Ache_

_Ache_

_Ache_

_no no no no no no no_

Why was that happening? 

I was fine a minute ago. 

I tried thinking about Dean kissing me again, the weight and heat of him above me, his breath on my face, his hands in my hair. 

_Ache_

_Ache_

_Ache_

I grit my teeth and pushed a hand into my chest, I'd force the hole in the chest to be silent. 

I wouldn't let it ruin my last day with Sam and Dean. 

_Rip. Tear. Rip._

Oh.

That was why. 

I shook the thought away. 

I'd just try and not think about it. 

I would have a really good day now.

The hole in my chest would be ignored.

I pulled the dark jeans and my usual white shirt out from the closet. 

Dean had told me on dates that you needed to have your shirt unbuttoned. 

I smoothed the shirt and undid the first three buttons. I was sure that's how many he'd said last time. 

He'd appreciate me remembering that. 

I moved the letter from under my pillow to inside the pocket of my trench coat which I hung over the back of my chair. 

I doubted that Sam would come in here whilst we were gone but he wouldn't check my coat if it wasn't any heavier than usual. 

The way I looked in the mirror seemed acceptable, I was dressed 'nicely' and I smelled nice from my shower and from the deodorant that I'd used. The only problem was that my eyes were still a little red rimmed. 

As long as I kept a control on my emotions they should look fine in no time. 

I waited at the impala for Dean so we could go on our first date.

**Last date**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so,   
> how'd you like it dudes?   
> hopefully the next chapter will be out a little faster next time  
> but let me know what you're thinking of this and what you thinks gonna happen i love hearing your theories and thoughts  
> lotta love and stay safe  
> C


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey dudes  
> sorry this took a few days, it's been crazy hot here in the uk so it's been hard to focus on anything but having a few drinks in the sun ahaha  
> hope you enjoy this one  
> it's the daaaaaate  
> trigger warning for dark thoughts as usual  
> thank you for all the comments!  
> lotta love  
> C

**Castiel's POV**

"Dean?" I mumbled when we were on the way to the diner. 

"Yeah?" Dean looked over with a smile. 

"I-I don't know what I'm doing, I've never been on a date before." I sighed. "The thing with Nora was a misunderstanding remember-"

"I know, Cas." He grinned. "I'll be a gentleman, I promise." 

That didn't help. 

What was I supposed to do? 

I'd seen the way that Dean acted around women, even Sam sometimes but neither of them really 'dated' anyone and I knew 'hook ups' and 'dating' were a lot different. 

"But what do I do?" I sighed. 

"You? You just gotta enjoy yourself." Dean reached his hand over to squeeze mine. 

That didn't seem fair, what about Dean enjoying himself? 

I was just going to make him upset later. 

How many hours do dates last anyway? 

Lunch usually only lasts an hour and the average movie is two hours. 

That means we should be back at the bunker in four hours as the most. 

Four hours left with Dean. 

I should probably spend some time with Sam too, I missed him terribly last time especially since I didn't get to say goodbye to him. 

But what could I do with Sam? 

Maybe I could finish the book that we had been translating with him. 

We'd done the most difficult ones now. 

He would enjoy that. 

But that would only take two hours. 

Six hours left with the Winchesters. 

"Hey, what's wrong?" Dean asked, pulling into the diner. 

"Nothing." I swallowed. 

"Don't get out." He let go of my hand and climbed out of the car, walking over to my side. 

Was there something dangerous? 

He still had my angel blade in his room and my grace was still hiding most of the time, I hadn't felt it for a full two days now. So I would be useless in a fight. 

"Are you getting out or what?" Dean smiled at me, holding my door open. 

"You told me not to?" I looked up, he didn't seem worried about any danger. 

Dean chuckled. "Only so I could open the door, Cas." 

He nodded his head to the side to indicate that I needed to move. 

That made a little more sense but I was perfectly capable of opening a door by myself. 

Did he think I couldn't? 

"I couldn't get us a reservation at anywhere fancy with short notice but I didn't really think you'd be into that anyway." He shut the door for me when I pulled myself out. 

"I don't mind." I tilted my head at his strange behaviour but followed him into the diner. 

He kept on opening the doors too which I found strange but put it aside, I would try my best to enjoy these six hours. 

Maybe I could even have dinner with them both later? 

No. 

Then I'd be eating their food before I left, that would be rude. 

I could at least pay for my half of this food and the movie. 

"What are you thinking about?" Dean asked as we sat down in a booth. "You look like you're thinking too hard." 

"It's not important." I shook my head. 

"Do you want your usual?" Dean asked, flagging the waitress down. 

I nodded and chewed on the inside of my cheek. 

I was probably ruining this, Dean wasn't smiling anymore. 

Typical of me. 

The hole in my chest howled, I wanted to see him smiling.

I could do that at least, I've made Dean smile plenty of times. I could do it for six hours. 

No problem. 

Maybe I could tell him a joke. 

The only jokes I know are in enochian and the translations aren't funny.

I could compliment him, that could work. 

Probably not, Dean gets embarrassed when someone mentions that he looks good. But the clothes he was wearing did make him look good, I'd never seen the shirt he was wearing before and he didn't have a white or black shirt underneath it. He even had cologne on and that smell was one of the best things I'd ever smelt. 

Maybe I could get him to talk about Sam or his car, those things always made him smile. He loved talking about his car and Sam. 

Then I could move on and talk about when we got kicked out of the strip club, I understood why he had found it so funny now. He would laugh remembering it.

"Are you sure you wanna do this, Cas?" Dean asked suddenly. 

I looked up at his concerned face, then realising that both of us had our food and drinks in front of us. 

How long had I been thinking of ways to make him smile for.

"How's Sam?" I blurted out quickly. 

It didn't make him smile, he furrowed his eyebrows at me. 

"Sam's fine, you live with Sam. You saw him a couple hours ago. Cas, are you okay?" 

"What about the impala?" I picked up my drink and started drinking.

Dean frowned. "We drove her here. What's up with you?" 

"Nothing, I-I'm just making conversation. That's what you do on dates I think." I picked up a fry and forced myself to eat it despite the nausea sitting in my stomach. 

Dean sighed. "I thought you wanted to do this." 

"I do." I argued. "I want to." 

"You're acting weird." Dean bit his lip. "Look, I get it okay. It's all different now, but you can still just talk to me like normal. It doesn't have to change if you don't want it to." 

I shook my head. "I'm fine. I just- I want to talk to you about things." 

"Go on." Dean waved his hand with a fry in it. 

"I already did. How's Sam and the impala?" I repeated. 

"Fine, I'll play along." Dean sighed. "Sam's fine, worried about you as usual. Baby's great, I could do with tuning her up sometime soon." He shrugged. "Maybe you could help me tomorrow or something? I'll show you how to do your car too." 

Tomorrow. 

Tomorrow. 

Tomorrow. 

**He'll have you out of the bunker in five hours and thirty minutes.**

The hole in my chest heaved. 

"Cas-"

I pressed my lips together hard and stood up, rushing to the bathroom and locking the stall quickly. 

Siding down the stalls door so I was squatting, my knees touching my chest wasn't the most hygienic and it certainly wasn't ideal. 

I threw a hand over my mouth as a noise escaped. 

Not now. 

Not now. 

Not now. 

I pushed a hand to my chest to try and sooth the twisting but it wasn't working. 

This was ridiculous. 

When I thought it was my last night alive with Raphael I was content on just sitting in that abandoned house with Dean until my brother found me. I had no such reaction. 

But now. 

Now I wasn't even worried for death, my body was rejecting me leaving the bunker in a few hours and it was being loud about it. 

"Cas, you in here?" Dean's voice filled my ears. 

"No." I muttered against my hand. 

Dean sighed and pushed on the door. "Budge outta the way, man." 

I wiped my eyes quickly and gave my chest one more hard push, biting the inside of my cheek hard. 

Dean deserved a better first date than this. 

I opened the stall door and left, standing by Dean's side. 

"I'm sorry about that." I nodded and bit my lip. "Should we carry on?" 

Dean frowned. 

"What happened? Are you suddenly against cars?" He tried to smile. 

I shook my head. "I was being dumb."

Dean looked around the restroom quickly before pulling me into him, kissing me gently. 

"You're not dumb." He chuckled. "But if you ever make me kiss you in a dirty ass bathroom you're sleeping in the library for a week." 

I smiled weakly, sensing the joke. 

"How about we get back to our food before it goes cold?" 

I nodded and followed him out. 

People in the diner seemed to look at us with dirty looks but Dean's glare shut them down quickly. 

I wondered what had happened whilst I was in there. 

His glare fell back into his usual relaxed face when we sat down. 

"Why was everyone looking at us?" I asked, picking up a fry. 

He shrugged. "People are weird." 

I guessed he was telling a lie but it didn't seem that important, if he spoke about whatever it was then he could get angry again and I didn't want that. 

I'd already ruined the date enough as it was. 

"How do you know that your car needs a 'tune up'?" I asked, using the air quotes. 

Just in case I got the phrasing wrong. 

Dean broke into a smile as he picked up his soda. "She's taking a while to speed up I guess. But it's good to just tune up your car every now and then to avoid any problems." 

"I've never tuned my car up, do you think it needs it?" 

"She, Cas. Cars are always a she. And probably, yeah. I heard the noises your car makes when you start her up." 

"Why?" I tilted my head. 

Dean grinned again. 

Good, talking about cars was working. 

"They just are, like boats. And country's. Everyone does it. Speaking of, we need a name for your car." 

"A name? Why?" 

Dean rolled his eyes with another smile. "Because we can't just introduce Baby as Baby and then just have your car. You need to give her a name." 

"What do you suggest?" I asked. 

He pursed his lips. "Honestly, it's up to you. Your car." 

Maybe if Dean named it. Her. Then he would like her more. 

"I think you should name her." I took a bite of my burger, as usual amazed by how good and fresh it tasted. 

"Well, she's gold and you like bees. Bee's are kinda gold, how about Honey?" 

"Bee's are yellow." I corrected.

Dean rolled his eyes. "I know that, but you gotta admit. Gold and yellow are similar. And Baby and Honey kinda match each other." He waggled his eyebrows. 

I felt myself grin. "Okay, honey then." 

"There we go. The power couple of cars." He winked. "After a tune up Honey and Baby will be purring on the way outta the garage, I guarantee it." 

I smiled back at him. "What about Sam? Why doesn't he have a car?" 

Dean shrugged. "He's never really needed one. Apart from when he didn't have his soul, you remember his flashy piece of crap? SRT8 Dodge Charger?" 

"The one I broke when I fell on it?" 

Dean burst out laughing. "Yeah, honestly I think you improved it."

I refused to let that be the last time I heard that sound. 

Maybe I should suggest we see a comedy instead of the 'X-men' movie Dean had said. 

"I never apologised for that." I scrunched my eyebrows. 

"Not like he would of cared much back then." Dean wiped a tear from his eye, still laughing. "I just can't get over how you jumped off the roof, not even looking slightly bothered that you fell seven stories." He chuckled again. 

I grinned back. "It would hurt a little now." 

"Yeah, no pulling stunts like that now thank you." Dean picked at the rest of his fries. 

I rolled my eyes. "Maybe in a few more weeks I could." 

"Are you feeling your grace again?" He asked. 

I shook my head. "Not really, just every few days. But it's still there, it's not doing anything but recharging." 

Dean pursed his lips. "Still no jumping outta windows." 

I nodded and smiled. "Of course." 

"There's a showing in a half hour so if you're finished we could make it to that one?" He nodded at my plate which still had a few fries but I hadn't touched anything in a while. 

I nodded. "Will the movie be funny?" I asked. 

"Probably not." He pulled some notes out from his wallet and held his hand up when I tried to do the same. "It's more of an action movie. It'll probably have some funny parts though." 

"What's it about?" I asked as we walked to the car. 

Dean started to talk animatedly as we drove to the movie theatre, explaining all of the X-men movies to me and all of his favourite parts. 

I understood the humour when a character named Wolverine (strange name, but it was about superheroes), was asked to fight for his country and he replied saying he was Canadian and drove away. 

Dean said it was his favourite part in the entire franchise. 

I was glad that I understood it. 

"Do you think you're gonna like it?" He asked. "We can pick a different one if you want." 

I shook my head. "It sounds like it will be good." 

Dean grinned and parked in the parking lot. "How are you feeling?"

"Really good." I lied. 

I should feel really good. 

I wanted to. 

My body wanted that too, I felt warm all over and actually happy. 

But my brain was reminding me of how cold I would be soon and how much the hole in my chest would rip even more open in five hours. 

I swallowed and hid the shiver that ran down my spine. 

Dean grinned wide. "That's what I like to hear." He pulled me by the back of my neck into him and kissed me again. 

I was terrified that I was getting too used to this, I longed for Dean badly enough last year without all of this added closeness. 

But I wasn't terrified enough to tell him to stop, I just sank into it and held onto him as I kissed him back. 

"C'mon, we're gonna miss the movie. Plenty of time for this later." He waggled his eyebrows. 

**That was your last kiss then?**

"One more?" I asked quietly. 

Dean smiled and leaned back in. 

I deepened the kiss, trying to put everything I could into it. 

How much I'd miss him. 

How sorry I was.

How much I hated that this was going to happen. 

How thankful I was to of had him as my friend. 

How grateful I was that I'd pulled him out of Hell all those years ago. 

How much I loved him.

Dean pulled on my hair and moaned in the back of his throat. 

I pulled away out of breath. 

"Easy, tiger." He winked, catching his breath too. "Movie? Or we could skip it and go home?" 

"Movie." I decided. 

I would have my five hours. 

"You're the boss." He grinned and stepped out. "Don't open it." 

I rolled my eyes but sat still until he opened the door for me. 

"Why do you keep doing that? I can open a door." I sighed. 

Dean gave me a carefree smile. "It's polite. I told you I'm a gentleman." 

"Is it a date thing?" I asked. 

He smirked. "Yeah, Cas. It's a date thing." 

"Then shouldn't I open doors for you too?" I asked on the way to the theatre. 

He shrugged. "I mean, if you want to-" 

"I do." I nodded and held the movie theatre door for him. 

Dean's cheeks went pink as he walked through the door. 

"This is why I hold them for you." He pointed to his face and rolled his eyes. 

I beamed at the colour of his face, making the freckles that were dotted around his nose stand out more with the faint pink tinge. 

"I think I like holding them for you." I laughed. 

Dean huffed but I saw he was trying not to smile at me. 

"I'm gonna get the tickets, you wanna get some snacks?" He handed me a twenty dollar bill. 

"I have money." I pulled my wallet out but he snatched it off me and put it in his pocket. 

"You can have this back when we get home. I'm treating you today." 

Dean deserved to be treated too right? 

I couldn't remember the last time that someone bought Dean something. 

"But-" I tried to argue. 

"No exceptions. Maybe on the next date it can be your treat." He winked and put the twenty dollars in my hand. "Make sure you get black liquorice." 

I nodded, there would be no point in arguing and I needed to turn away from him as the hole in my chest tore at itself at the mention of another date that I knew would never happen. 

Dean met back up with me and took the popcorn and one of the drinks out of my hands, opening the doors with his foot, holding the tickets in his mouth. 

"Back row." He nodded once I was at the bottom of the stairs. 

I nodded and headed up there, careful not to drop my drink or his liquorice. 

More people filed in as we sat down, I found it strange to have a movie theatre. 

"What's up?" Dean asked, sipping his drink. 

"Maybe it's because I've never been to one but I don't see the appeal of coming here if you can just watch movies in your houses. I mean surely watching a movie with the person you want to watch it with in your home is preferable to watching it with strangers in a dark room." I mused. 

"You gotta point there." Dean shrugged. "I guess it's so you can watch all the new stuff. Also most people who go on first dates don't usually already live together." He chuckled. 

"So it's a first date thing?" I scrunched my eyebrows. 

Why would you want to have strangers at your first date? 

"Okay, so say that we've not known each other for as long as we have. We just met online, we're two normal guys okay?"

I nodded. 

I wished that was true, to just be two normal people.

No complications. 

No hole in my chest. 

No tragedy in Dean's life. 

"So we meet online, we're practically strangers. You wouldn't want the first time you meet me to be in your house, right? I wouldn't want a stranger knowing where I live." He explained. 

"I think I understand." I tried some of the liquorice but it tasted like chalk. 

Dean chuckled and swiped the packet away. "More for me." 

The lights suddenly dimmed and the big screen lit up with advertisements. 

"These'll go on for a while." Dean rolled his eyes. "How come you never saw a movie when you were human? I woulda thought you'd want to catch up." 

I shrugged and swallowed the liquorice flavoured bile. "No time." 

Dean nodded. "You missed out, man." 

"A little." I nodded.

I was thankful for the lights being off, Dean probably couldn't make out my face like this. 

But of course he seemed to know something was wrong because his arm wrapped around my shoulders when the movie actually started, pulling me so my head nestled onto his shoulder. 

He was so warm and the hole in my chest was making me so cold. 

I put down my drink and turned so my arm rested on his chest, like we slept sometimes. 

Dean kissed my hair and turned his attention to the start of the movie. 

The movie was difficult to follow but I didn't mind, it distracted me from knowing this was the last time Dean and I would be so close. 

It distracted me from knowing I was probably listening to Dean's heartbeat for the last time.

From knowing that Dean's soft stroking of my shoulder would be the last touch I would feel for a while, certainly one of the last from him. 

**Three hours.**

"Are you crying?" Dean whispered towards the end of the movie.

Three hours left of happiness. 

**Why do you ruin everything, Castiel?**

I shook my head. 

Dean's hand moved and pulled me up, I guessed he used the light from the screen to judge where my face was and wipe the tears away. 

"Didn't peg you for the crying at movies type." He whispered. 

I shrugged. "The good guys are dying."

It seemed like an acceptable thing to blame my tears on. 

"If Wolverine fixes it then they won't be dead anymore." He reached over and wrapped his arm around my shoulders again, squeezing me tight. 

Dean unwrapped his arm as the credits started rolling. 

"How'd you like it?" He asked. 

"I liked it." I watched as everyone started to leave but Dean made no signs of getting up. "Shouldn't we go?"

"Idiots." Dean rolled his eyes at everyone who was leaving, just a few people on the front few rows. "There's always an end credit scene. It'll give us clues on the next few movies." 

"Oh." I nodded and settled back into my chair to watch the end credit scene.

**Two hours and thirty minutes.**

I wiped my eyes during the end credits and finished my drink, hopefully my eyes wouldn't give away that I'd been upset. 

If they did I could just blame the movie again. 

It felt like too short of a time that we were back in the bunker. 

Thankfully Sam was already in the library, surrounded by notepads and the book that we were translating. 

"You wanna do nerd stuff with Sam?" Dean asked when we walked inside. 

I nodded. "I should probably change first." 

Dean followed me to my room. 

I kept my eyes on my trench coat whenever he moved. 

"I had a really good day today, Dean." I sat beside him once I'd put on my purple striped jumper. 

Dean beamed. "I'm really glad you did. I did too." 

_I love you_

_I love you_

_I love you_

**You're leaving**

"I'll go and help Sam." I cleared my throat and stood up. 

Dean followed me. "I was thinking we could do a roast dinner for dinner tonight. You know how Jody makes it?" 

I nodded. "That sounds nice." 

"You're not seeing Jerry?" He asked. 

I shook my head. "I don't think so." 

**Two hours.**

"Oh, well. Good. You guys are okay, right?"

"Of course we are." I tilted my head. 

Why wouldn't we be okay? 

"Right, well I'm gonna head to the store and grab stuff for dinner, enjoy being a nerd." He squeezed my hand and went ahead of me to leave the bunker. 

I got myself and Sam a cup of coffee before going to the library. 

"Hey man." Sam grinned and accepted the coffee. "How was your date?" He had a teasing tone but he looked happy. 

"I wasn't aware Dean even told you." I rolled my eyes. "I liked it." 

"All I'm saying is it's about time you two figured out whatever it is you have going on." He chuckled. "Did he treat you right?" 

"I don't understand." I admitted. 

Sam chuckled. "I'm joking, as long as you both had fun." 

"I did." I nodded. 

"Good day then, huh?" 

"Really good." I kept up my lie with Sam too. 

They wouldn't care about my small lie in one hour and forty nine minutes anyway. 

The hole in my chest howled. 

Sam grinned and pulled a set of notes towards me, explaining what he was struggling with. 

**One hour and forty five minutes**

I forced more coffee down my throat, trying to drown the hole in my chest.

It was aching more and more, each minute that passed by it ached. 

**One hour and thirty** **minutes**

Every time that Sam spoke the hole in my chest tore at the thought that they would be the last words I would hear. 

It would be better than nothing but I was selfish enough to want him to say goodbye this time. 

**One hour and fifteen minutes**

Dean was back at the bunker and was sat beside me, flicking through his phone.

I needed a plan.

**One hour**

I would wait until Dean was starting on dinner, I would tell him that I wasn't hungry so he wouldn't waste any food on me. 

Then I would go for my last shower and pack my bag. 

I would take the letter and leave it on the map table then I would leave the bunker and head to see Jerry. 

I would turn off my phone, I didn't want to hear how disgusted they would be with me. 

**Forty five** **minutes**

Dean still wasn't starting on dinner, but it was already six and he usually had started it by now.

**Thirty minutes**

Dean still hadn't started on dinner. 

I felt like I was going to throw up at any moment.

**Twenty five minutes**

Sam made a joke about vampires to Dean, they both laughed. 

That was probably the last time I'd hear that.

The hole in my chest split open more.

**Twenty minutes**

I blinked away the tears, clenched my fists so my hands would stop shaking. 

Time was going to quickly and I was barely enjoying it.

**Fifteen minutes**

Had Sam's breathing always been that loud? 

Had Dean always shook his leg like that when he was looking at his phone? 

Why had I only just noticed the chips in the wood on the table? 

How had I never noticed how the lamps and the lights had a faint buzzing sound to them? 

Why was it so cold in here? 

Why was everything so irritating?

**Fourteen minutes**

Pain.

**Thirteen minutes**

More pain.

**Twelve minutes**

I should tell them that I was going for a shower now.

**Eleven** **minutes**

I should tell them I'm going for a shower now.

**Ten minutes**

I really needed to go for a shower.

**Nine minutes and thirty seconds**

"Cas, can I talk to you for a minute?" Dean asked. 

I looked up, and saw that worry was plastered all over his face. 

I nodded and followed him to my room. 

"What's the matter?" He asked, trying to pull me into him but I pushed him away. 

I wouldn't let go if he embraced me now.

I'd never get that letter.

I shook my head. 

"Nothing." 

"Cas you've been sat there with that sad look on your face for a half hour. Just tell me what it is so we can figure it out." 

"I think I'm just tired." I sniffed. 

**Eight minutes**

"Dinner won't be for a couple hours, you could have a nap?" He suggested. 

I shook my head. 

How could I willingly miss out on seeing them? Even for a minute. 

I looked up and stared at Dean, studying each detail of his face. 

How bright his eyes were, how full his lips were, the lightness of the hair of his eyebrows in comparison to the hair on his head, the light splattering of freckles, how white his teeth were. 

Dean sighed. 

"I know I've already asked but are you freaking out about us? I mean you've been okay but ever since this happened with us you've been all over the place." 

I shook my head. "I'm okay." 

"Cas, you're crying dammit." 

**Five minutes**

I heard a noise that sounded like a sob and the next thing I knew Dean had me pulled to his chest, his hand in my hair. 

"It's not your fault." I shivered, the hole in my chest screeched and pulled at itself. "I-I'm sorry I'm l-like th-this." 

"You don't gotta apologise. Just tell me what's going on." 

**Three minutes and thirty seconds**

I needed Sam to be here, I'd give them the letter. 

I'd leave before they opened it. 

I'd had no stuff before, I could have no stuff again. 

Maybe they'd let Jerry in to pack some of my clothes and maybe a few of my photos.

"I-I can't." I squeezed my arms around his waist tighter. "I-I want Sam." 

Dean's arms loosened. 

"The hell you mean you want Sam?" He sounded angry. 

No, not yet. 

Please.

"I want t-to talk to Sam too." I choked on more tears. 

I wasn't ready. 

**Two minutes**

_no no no no no no no_

"I'm gonna go and get him. Just stay here." He moved us so I was sat on my bed, he left, leaving the door open.

**One** **minute**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey dudes  
> hope you enjoyed!  
> please let me know  
> i should have the next chapter in the next few days so keep your eyes out, also i reply to each comment when i post an update so it's easier to know i've updated if you comment  
> lotta love and stay safe  
> C


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys  
> thank you for all of your comments as usual  
> sorry this took a while but I was really debating on having this chapter in a few more chapters  
> TRIGGER WARNING: this chapter isn't fluffy, it's dark and full of dark thoughts and harsh words so please tread carefully  
> see you at the end   
> lotta love   
> :)

**Castiel's POV**

Everything hurt. 

I was aching and I was pretty certain that I couldn't move. 

I tested it by moving my arms but whatever was holding me gripped tighter. 

My eyes snapped open as I tried harder. 

"Dammit." I heard Dean sigh. 

"Dean?" I asked, trying to move my head. 

"Are you you?"

What was that supposed to mean?

We were sat on my bed, the lights were off so I couldn't see much but I could feel Dean's chest behind my head and shoulders, his legs trapping mine under his. 

The usual position for episodes. 

Did I have an episode? 

The letter. 

Where is the letter? 

It was way too dark, I couldn't see anything at all.

"Let go." I tried to pull out of his grip so I could reach the lamp but he wasn't letting go.

"Cas?" 

He wasn't going to let go of me properly if I carried on struggling. 

He sounded hurt. 

Maybe I did have an episode. 

"What happened?" I asked with a sigh, leaning against him. 

The only way he'd let me go was if he thought I was okay.

"You don't remember?" 

His voice sounded so sad, so quiet. 

What had happened? 

I shook my head. 

Dean's grip loosened as he turned the lamp on but he went right back to his steel grip.

My arms were bandaged but I saw some blood on my yellow sheets. 

"Last thing you remember?" He asked, his legs still pinning mine to the bed.

"Y-you went and got Sam." I moved out of his arms and legs, surprisingly he let me.

I scanned the room for my trench coat.

It was unmoved, hung over my desk chair. 

"We came back and you'd locked the door, sat behind it. Took us a half hour to get in." 

"I-I'm sorry, I don't remember." I felt the tears slipping down my cheeks. 

I'd outstayed my six hours. 

I remembered the panic when it reached one minute. 

But then it was just nothing. 

Just black.

"W-why do you do it, Cas? Why do you h-hurt yourself?" Dean wiped his eyes before I turned around to face him. 

I didn't realise just how upset he was by judging his voice. 

He looked terrible.

"Feels better than my chest." I explained, my eyes feeling heavy again. 

I wanted to reach out to him. 

Make him feel better. 

But would I even be able to do that? 

Could I ever fix anything?

"What do you mean your chest?"

I didn't want to tell him. 

But it just came out of my mouth. 

Maybe he had one too and he just didn't tell anyone. 

I prayed he didn't have one, I'd hate for him to feel a hole in his chest.

"The hole." I sighed and sank back down onto my pillows but felt myself being moved onto Dean, his hand in my hair. 

"I got you, Cas. We're gonna figure all of this out." 

* * *

I woke up and it was cold. 

Freezing. 

My teeth were chattering just like they used to. 

I reached out to where Dean was but found nothing. 

Dean would usually warm me up. 

"You awake?" 

Sam. 

My eyes snapped open. 

My room was lit up with the lamp, Dean was nowhere to be found but Sam was sat at my desk, on my chair.

The chair that my trench coat was on. 

The coat that had the letter inside. 

"Yes." I tried to sooth the panicked expression that I knew was on my face. 

"How are you feeling?" 

"Fine." I said quickly, trying to see if he'd moved my coat. "Where's Dean?" 

"He's making sandwiches for the soup kitchen with Jerry. Dean said you wanted to talk to me?"

_not yet_

_I'm not_ _ready_

_Just a little longer_

I shook my head and shivered as I stood up, reaching for Dean's robe from the bottom of the bed. 

"Cold?"

"You're not?" I swallowed as he shuffled on the chair. 

"Not really." He sighed. "What happened yesterday, man?" 

I shrugged. "I don't remember. Sorry." 

Sam frowned. "Okay, let's get you warmed up with some coffee then huh?" 

I nodded and yawned, waiting for him to leave before following him to the kitchen. 

Dean and Jerry were buttering bread in silence. 

It didn't seem like the kind of silence that I liked. 

It seemed thick and heavy. 

"Morning Sunshine." Dean grinned, waving with the knife he was using.

"Is it morning?" I asked, accepting the coffee from Sam. 

Dean chuckled. "Not exactly, it's not too late though. Only two." 

I nodded and brought the coffee cup to my face, hoping the steam would warm up my face at least. 

Why was it so cold in here? 

"You okay, dude?" Jerry asked, putting his knife down and walking over to me. 

I nodded. "Just cold. What are you doing here?" 

"I don't have work today." He shrugged. "Can I talk to you....alone?" He nodded to doorway. 

I nodded back and followed him out. 

He led us back to my room and shut the door behind me. 

"You didn't give it to them yet."

It wasn't a question. 

"No, I-I was going to but it didn't go 'as planned'." I sat on my bed, wrapping the grey blanket around my shoulders and keeping the coffee cup close to my face but still I was shivering. 

"Where is it?" 

"My coat." I nodded to my desk. "It's sealed." 

He bit his lip. "Are you sure you're okay?" 

I rolled my eyes. "I feel fine." 

It was only a small lie. 

The hole in my chest was tugging at itself but it wasn't anything that I couldn't handle. 

"Right, so I can ask you what the hell you're doing then?" 

I tilted my head at him. 

He'd never been bothered by me sitting on my bed before. 

"You and Dean?" He raised his eyebrows. 

"Oh." I looked down. "Dean told you?"

"No, Sam just assumed I knew already." He huffed. "What the hell, dude? I mean seriously?"

"Why's it bad?" I sighed. 

"Because he's the reason you're like this." 

I shook my head sharply. "No, he's not." 

"Yes. He is." Jerry grit his teeth. "You're not thinking this through. Do you really think that you're okay enough to handle a relationship? Never mind a relationship with Captain Douche?" 

I glowered at him. 

"Don't call him that. I'm fine." 

"Tell that to your damn arms." Jerry growled. 

_Rip_

_Ache_

_Tear_

_Twist_

_Ache_

_Ache_

_Ache_

Coffee suddenly spilt all over my legs and my bed, I hissed at the burn of it. 

"Leave me alone." I picked up the cup from my lap and placed it on the night stand. 

I could feel it burning but the hole in my chest was taking over the pain I could feel.

_Why would he say that?_

_Why would he say that?_

_Why would he say that?_

Jerry said he loves me. 

He said so. 

He shouldn't say that. 

"I-" Jerry started. 

_Twist_

"I don't care." I stood up and took some jeans from my dresser before I headed for the door but Jerry blocked it. 

"I didn't-I shouldn't of-I didn't mean it. Sorry, Cas." He bit his lip. "That was uncalled for." 

"I don't want to hurt myself. It just _happens."_ I tried to push past him. 

"Cas, I really- I really didn't mean it. I was just- I was angry." Jerry had tears in his eyes. 

Why was he upset? 

Shouldn't I be upset that he was unkind?

Maybe he wasn't being unkind and he was just being truthful. 

"So you were unkind?" I swallowed. 

"Just please- sit back down. I-I'll fix this. I shouldn't of said that." 

"You're angry because Dean and I kiss sometimes?"

"I guess." He sighed. "I just-I just don't wanna see you get hurt again. I want you to be careful with this. He hurt you real bad and-and I don't want that to happen again." 

He was sorry. 

I must of overreacted. 

"I can take care of myself." I shivered and tried to move past him again. "Jerry, let me out." 

"Are we good?" He sighed. 

"Yes." 

"Are you gonna think about what I said about being careful?" He asked. 

"Yes." I swallowed. "Let me out." 

"I'm really sorry, Cas. I won't say anything like that again." 

"You're forgiven." I blinked. 

I wasn't really angry at him for his words. 

He was my friend. 

He mustn't actually of wanted to hurt my feelings. 

"I'm sorry for overreacting." I rocked on the balls of my feet at the door frame, I noticed the door frame was broken. 

Maybe Sam and Dean broke it down when I wouldn't let them in. 

I'd have to ask.

Jerry waved me off. "How hot was that coffee?"

I shrugged and headed out of my room. 

I collided with Dean in the hallway but instead of moving I ended up wrapping my arms around him, he was so warm. 

The hole in my chest was more quiet now. 

But maybe I did burn my leg.

"Hey there." He chuckled. "What's with the kung fu grip?"

"You're very warm." I smiled. 

He laughed again. "Where's Jerry?" 

"My room, I'm just getting dressed." I up wrapped myself from him. 

"Why are you wet?" Dean scrunched his eyebrows. 

"I spilt my coffee, the cup wasn't broken so don't worry." 

Dean rolled his eyes. "Not worried about a damn cup, did you burn yourself?" 

I shook my head. 

"Okay uh-I'll get you a new coffee how 'bout that?" 

"You don't need to." I swallowed. 

"I'll have it in five." He grinned and squeezed my shoulder.

The burn wasn't that bad. 

Only part of my thigh was pink and sore, I'd had burns before and this was minor.

Dean didn't need to know about it. 

Jerry was still in my room when I went back. 

"You okay?" He asked. 

"Of course." I nodded. "Are you?"

"Yeah." He nodded back. "I am real sorry for saying that- I don't even know why-"

I held my hand up. "It's forgotten." 

That is usually what people said to one another when they didn't want to speak about an argument. 

It's forgotten.

It seemed to work as Jerry grinned, even though his grin did vanish as soon as Dean entered the room with a cup of coffee. 

"Thank you." I smiled and took it. 

"Jerry, uh- Sam asked for your help in the kitchen." Dean bit his lip. 

Jerry sighed but left. 

"How did you spill your coffee?" Dean smirked and sat down on the bed, avoiding the new coffee stain."You're a lot of things, Cas but clumsy isn't one of them." 

"That's not true, I spilt a whole machine of slush mix at the Gas'n'Sip once." I frowned at the memory of trying to keep my phone balanced on my shoulder so I could hear Dean and also fix the machine. 

Dean chuckled. "So we have a butter fingers in the bunker then?" 

I agreed with whatever he'd just called me, it didn't seem unkind. 

More like teasing. 

"Jerry's not happy about us. You were right." I mumbled as I sat on the chair by the desk.

Dean sighed. 

"Yeah, unfortunately I am always right." He chuckled. "But he'll come around. What did he say about it?"

I didn't want to upset Dean, he was upset enough when I woke up in the dark. 

He still looked sad, even if he was wearing a smile.

"He said that he doesn't think I'm okay enough for a relationship." I placed my words carefully. 

"That what this is, huh?" Dean asked quietly. 

"That's what Jerry said." I shrugged. "It doesn't have-"

"Calm down, Cas." He smiled. "I want that." 

"You do?" 

Dean's face relaxed as he looked at me from across the room. "Course I do. I mean I get what Jerry's saying, I understand why he thinks that and honestly I thought that for a while too but-"

"I'm okay." I sighed. 

"I know you, Cas." He bit his lip. "I'll be able to tell if it's getting too much for you, even if you won't admit it." 

"So when it gets too much you're just gonna stop?" I asked quietly. 

He shook his head. "I'll talk to you about it. Sam said I need to use my words more." He chuckled. 

I nodded. 

**Why are you acting like you're not going to be leaving soon?**

**Control yourself, Castiel**

"I was thinking that we could do another movie night tonight? Maybe we could watch the other X-men, get you up to speed properly?"

"After I get back from the soup kitchen?"

"Cas."He sighed. "You-"

**Start an argument, give him the letter and leave**

_No_

**He's controlling you**

**You are an angel**

I groaned in frustration. "I'm not allowed?"

"Don't say it like that." Dean huffed as Sam came into my room looking confused.

"It's the truth." I tried to force myself to not sound angry, I didn't want to start an argument and then leave but it seemed like my body wanted me to do that.

Dean set his jaw. 

_Cleaning the blood from the door._

_Organising Tanya's toys and clothes._

_Putting Ephriam in the Impala's trunk._

_Throwing away the bloody rose._

_Rocking Tanya back to sleep._

_Dean looked angry, he glared at each of Tanya's toys as he places them on the shelf._

_"What's the matter?" I asked, flinching when my wrist moved the wrong way as I put Tanya in her crib._

_Dean set his jaw._

_"That angel, ho_ _w many of those are there?"_

_"Not many." I swallowed._

_Was he going to bring me back to the bunker?_

_"Are you sure?"_

_I nodded._

_"So you don't think another one will wanna 'take the pain away,'" He mocked Ephriam's voice._

_How much had he heard?_

_"I don't think so."_

_Please let me come back._

_Please._

_Please._

_"Good, nice and safe then." He nodded_

_Never mind._

_He doesn't care that I'm not doing well then._

_He knows._

_He doesn't care._

_It's not his problem._

_As long as another one won't try and kill me it would be fine to him._

_It's okay._

_I understand._

I tried to shake the memory away but it kept on replaying. 

He knew that I was broken then. 

Why is he pretending to care now? 

I felt anger seeping out of the hole in my chest, I grit my teeth waiting for whatever Dean was about to say. 

"Argue with me later?" He sighed, his face relaxing. 

"No." I forced out and stood up.

"Cas, what's going on?" Sam asked. 

"I just-j-just need you both to understand." I was shaking as I tried to pull out the letter. 

That would explain it all. 

My mouth needed to stay shut, I wouldn't explain it right. 

"Understand what?" Dean asked. "Where's Jerry?" 

"Finishing up the sandwiches. You need help, Cas?" Sam nodded to my hand struggling to pull the letter out. 

I groaned in frustration and threw my coat on the floor. 

"I w-was sleeping outside an-and I-I tho-thought I w-was gonna d-die there." I heard my chest breaking in half, I threw my arms around my ribs as I felt it falling apart. 

Sam and Dean both froze, their faces both a mixture of guilt, disgust and pity. 

Just like I knew would happen. 

"I-I wro-wrote a letter b-but I-" I clenched my fists. "It-doesn't matter. I-I'm sor-s-sorry." 

Dean moved first. 

Sam stayed completely still. 

But Dean stood up slowly, crossing the room so he was closer to me. 

I made the mistake of catching his eyes. 

He held me there. 

He was angry. 

I knew it. 

I knew he would be angry. 

"St-stop." I tried turning away but it was like a car accident, I couldn't stop watching his eyes get more and more angry. 

"You were homeless?" He demanded. 

_Ache_

_Ache_

_Ache_

"Answer the damn question." He ordered.

I nodded shakily. "I d-didn't mean to b-be." 

"Cas-" Sam finally unfroze but Dean held his hand up. 

"All of it? Even when I saw you?" Dean spoke carefully but his face was getting more and more red with each word he spoke. 

I nodded again. 

Then Dean just exploded. 

"How could you be so fucking stupid? I mean you could-you could of told me. You had my damn number you could of text me and just said and I would-"

The hole in my chest shattered and split with the mix of emotions but I seemed to settle on switching between anger and crying uncontrollably. 

"Would of what?" I demanded. "You didn't want me. You s-sent me away and I tho-thought that you'd ca-call. You-you said, you pr-promised that you'd fucking call a-and you n-never d-d-did." I tore my eyes away but made the mistake of looking at Sam who was wiping his eyes now. 

I tore my eyes away from them both. 

"The phone works both ways you idiot. If I knew-" Dean yelled, getting closer. 

I shook my head. 

No. 

I tried calling him. 

I tried to just tell him I had a job but he still didn't want me. 

He knew.

He knew that I was broken. 

The memory of us cleaning Nora's house came again. 

He knew. 

"You knew." I grit my teeth. 

"What? Dean you-" Sam started.

"No, I fucking didn't." Dean growled.

I shook my head harder. 

He looked so angry. 

But it was no match for the rage bubbling to the surface inside me. 

I bit down on my cheeks, trying to get myself to stop. 

Please just stop. 

Apologise. 

Beg to stay. 

"You-you h-heard the Rit Zien. You heard h-him-m-m." I stammered through my words, begging my mouth to shut forever. 

But of course it didn't. 

I watched Dean's face drop with each word that stumbled out of my mouth. 

He was becoming too blurry with the tears that were constantly falling. 

"You kn-knew I was hurt-hurting-g a-an-a-and you didn't f-fucking do any-anything." I felt a sob crack through my chest as I wrapped my arms tighter around my rib cage. "Y-you didn't c-care." 

"Don't you dare say that, Cas." Dean wiped a hand over his face. "Not to me. Don't-" 

I couldn't stop. 

I wished that I could. 

I begged myself to just stop talking. 

But I barely heard Dean. 

I couldn't even see Sam properly anymore. 

How had Jerry not heard any of this?

"You-I needed y-you an-and you sent me aw-away. I-I didn't know-know what to d-do." I choked as I wiped my eyes and quickly took hold of my chest again. 

**Go now**

**Leave before he makes you**

**Look at how much you've hurt him**

**Go Castiel**

"A-and n-now I ha-have to do it again. Oh God." I heard my ragged breathing and tried to control it. 

Sam stepped closer, trying to put a hand on me but I threw myself away from him. 

"I-I can't. I ca-can't do it again." I wheezed. 

"Hey, hey." Sam tried again. 

"Don-don't touch me!" I heard myself yell at him. 

"Sorry." Sam held his hands up but stood closer, making me look at him. "Look, Cas. You're never gonna have to do that again, okay? Never. We won't let that happen." 

**LIES**

**LIES**

**LIES**

I shook my head violently. 

**LIAR**

**LIAR**

**LIAR**

I wanted to believe him so badly. 

**He wants you to calm down**

**They're both going to take you to the bus station as soon as you go to sleep**

Dean's hands were suddenly on my head. 

"Cas, listen to me dammit! You're not going anywhere." Dean yelled, holding my head still. 

"Y-you're lying." I choked more on my tears. "You didn't care, D-Dean. You pro-promised you'd call me. My e-entire fam-family hates m-me and they all wa-wanted to k-kill m-me a-and I was ju-just starving out-outside." 

"I know." Dean sighed. "I'm so fucking sorry, Cas. I-I'm a dick, I never knew it was that bad, buddy. I swear. I just-dammit." Dean let go of my head and caught my hand instead. 

"I-I'm sorry." I whimpered. 

He was going to make me leave. 

He didn't want to deal with this. 

"Please don't make me go ba-back. It's s-so cold, D-Dean." 

"You gotta know I'd never do that to you again, please Cas. Try and understand that." Dean begged. 

I shook my head. 

"B-but you al-already did." 

"Dean, go tell Jerry what's going on." Sam sighed and pushed Dean away from me. 

Dean walked out of my room. 

I hurt him. 

I was so angry. 

The words were just spilling out. 

I didn't tell him it wasn't his fault. 

"I-I didn't wa-want to tell. Oh God. Sam. No. I-I-I wasn't supposed to." I sobbed. 

Sam pulled me into him and wrapped his arms around me, squeezing tight. 

Somehow holding the hole in my chest together better than I could. 

"I know. Sometimes it all just comes out, huh?" He soothed. "We know you didn't mean it like that." 

"B-but I said it so horrible. I-I had it written d-down a-and I was g-gonna go a-and it would be o-okay." I sobbed into his shirt. 

Sam nodded and rubbed my back. 

"We've all said horrible things, I'm pretty sure that you have every right to say horrible things right now." He sighed. "I'm so sorry that happened to you, Cas. If I knew-God. It should of never happened." 

"Not your fault." I sniffed, pulling away. 

"If I-" Sam started. 

I shook my head. 

"It wasn't your fault. It wasn't Dean's either h-he was just try-trying to make everything better." I wiped my eyes again and picked up my coat with shaky hands. 

Sam sighed and pulled me towards the bed and wrapped my grey blanket around my shoulders. 

"Why didn't you call me?" He asked. 

"I-I thought y-you hated me too." I held my head in my hands as I cried more. "I didn't h-have your number an-and I w-was human so-o I couldn't j-just r-remember it like normal." 

Sam nodded. "It's never happening again, you got that?"

"But wh-what if it does?" I cried more. "Sam, I-I don't think I'll sur-survive it ag-again."

Sam wiped his eyes. "Cas, you have a home. Your home is with me and Dean okay? You're never gonna be homeless ever again." 

"D-Dean us-used to say in Purgato-tory that we-we were gonna go home a-and I believed him but-but then he didn't w-want me any-anymore." 

"Cas, you gotta calm down or you're gonna end up throwing up." Sam sighed and rubbed circles on my back again. "Dean was a dick but you said yourself that you don't blame him. I do, I'm so angry at him it's unreal but I know that he would never do it again." 

"But that's only-only because it's different now, if we were still just-just like before then he m-might so wha-what if we go b-back to that? W-what happens then?"

I looked to Sam but quickly looked away when I was met with pity. 

Sam shook his head. "I think he was scared. I know he was. He was scared of losing me and I guess he just thought that you'd be okay. Just because it's different now doesn't mean he cares about you any more or any less than before. It just means it's different. You're family, like it or not." 

"I need-need to say so-sorry." 

Sam shook his head. "No you don't. Just try and calm down, man. Is that the letter?" 

He pointed to my trench coat in my lap. 

I nodded shakily. 

"Mind if I read it?" 

"I al-already told you." I tilted my head at him. 

"Just curious." 

I nodded and handed him my coat. 

Dean was going to hate me for this. 

Please make it a warmer state this time. 

_ache ache ache ache ache ache ache ache ache ache ache ache ache ache ache_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey  
> so I cried whilst writing that damn  
> anyway, i hope you all enjoyed.   
> don't be fooled i have a few more chapters to go but finally sam and dean both know cas' big secret  
> it only took me 25 chapters ahaha original plan was 10 chapters and like 50,000 words  
> but here we are  
> new chapter should be very soon  
> let me know how you found this one   
> lotta love   
> C :)


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys I'm so sorry this chapter took me so long, I was gonna upload it the other day but then my laptop decided to be a dick and delete everything before I saved it and also in all honestly this fic is coming to an end in a few more chapters and I just love writing it so much and hearing how much you guys like it that I kinda don't want it to end ahaha  
> anyway,  
> this chapter is in Dean's POV and it's for the end of chapter 24 and all of chapter 25.  
> TRIGGER WARNING: THIS CHAPTER IS VERY HEAVY AND IT IS VERY SAD SO PLEASE BE PREPARED TO BE SAD IF YOU'VE BEEN UPSET BY PREVIOUS CHAPTERS.  
> anyway, I really hope that you enjoy.  
> A new chapter will be up in a few days  
> lotta love  
> C

**Dean's POV**

This was it. 

This was finally it. 

Cas was going to come clean and tell us everything. 

At least it seemed like that's what he was doing. 

"Cas okay?" Sam didn't look up from his books. 

"I think he's about to tell us about what happened when he was human. Come on." I nodded and let him follow me through the bunker. 

"What do you mean tell us what happened?"

"He just said he wants to speak to us both, what else can that mean?" 

Sam nodded. 

We were both walking at a fairly normal pace until we heard a smash and then a door being slammed. 

"Cas!" I yelled, picking up the pace and trying to open his door. 

I heard a shout from the other side of the door. 

"Son of a bitch." I groaned when I realised the door was locked. "Cas, open the door. I brought Sam. You wanted to speak to us." 

"N-no." Cas' voice was loud and shaky. 

"Cas?" Sam knocked lightly. 

"L-leave m-me alone." 

"Get that door open now." I growled at Sam. "Cas, listen to me. You gotta let us in, you're having an episode. You know how this goes." 

"No no no no no no no no no." Cas screeched. "N-not ready." 

"Dammit Cas! Unlock the damn door!" I tried shoving it open but Cas just screamed in response. "Sam, pick the lock." 

"Dean-"

"We both know what he's doing in there. Open the door." I demanded. 

Sam pressed his lips into a thin line but started to try and pick the lock. 

But his hands started to shake each time that Cas shouted. 

"Sammy, hurry up or I'm just kicking it down." I warned. 

"Don't kick it, he'll be like this longer if you do that." Sam grit his teeth and narrowed his eyes at the lock. 

I groaned in frustration when Cas yelled out again. 

Sam huffed and threw the lock picking kit on the floor and stood up, stepping aside. 

I took that as an open invitation. 

"Be careful, he's probably sat in front of the door." Sam muttered. "Cas, you gotta move away from the door. We're about to open it." 

"No no no no no." Cas babbled to himself, each word getting louder and louder. 

"Watch out." I sighed and kicked the door with just enough force to break the lock. 

Cas screamed but his back stayed glued to the door and I caught a quick glimpse of the room. 

Shattered glass on the floor and blood on the yellow bed sheets. 

"Cas, let us in now!" I yelled. 

Sam moved me out of the way and tried speaking to him quietly but I could barely hear whatever Sam was saying over Cas' wailing. 

"I'm gonna have to shove it down." I bit my lip. "He's got glass." 

"Shit." Sam stood up. "I'll do it, you've more chance of getting him to stop if you don't kick a door into him." 

I let Sam in front of me. 

I prayed that it wasn't going to be too late. 

It was hard to remember how much blood I'd seen, it had been such a quick look. 

"Sammy hurry up." I begged when I heard Cas sigh. 

"Sorry, Cas." Sam called as he barged into the door with his shoulder which threw him into the room and Cas across the room. 

I ran in behind and instantly pinned Cas down. 

Blood was all over him. 

His eyes all over the place. 

"No! N-not yet. P-please not yet." Cas whined high and got a hand free, grabbing a piece of glass off the floor. 

"Sam, get it off him." I nodded towards the glass as I caught his wrist tight. 

Cas screamed and thrashed against me as I straddled his waist and pinned his wrists. 

I swallowed the bile as Cas relaxed when the glass slid through his palm when Sam tugged it out of his hand. 

"C'mon Cas. You know the drill." I unhooked my legs when Sam took Cas from under his arms. 

Cas was still full of energy, his face a sickly white colour apart from his bloodshot eyes. 

Cas thrashed against Sam holding him, managing to kick at Sam's knee a few times. 

I pulled him away and pinned his legs under mine first before wrapping my arms around his shoulders pinning his arms to his chest. 

Cas fought against me each step of the way, calling me every name he could think of. 

Some new Enochian ones I hadn't heard before but I was sure by the look on Sam's face they were pretty harsh. 

"Need me to help keep him down?" Sam asked. 

I shook my head. "I'm good for now." 

Sam sighed and started picking up the shattered glass and broken photo frame from the floor. 

"C-can't go b-back." Cas shivered violently before a sob tore through him. 

"You ain't going anywhere." I shushed him. 

"Y-you. Y-you get to be o-okay. Why d-do you get t-to be okay?" Cas twisted in my grip, trying to claw at his chest. 

I gripped on tighter. 

"Cas, just try and calm down okay. Me and Sammy are here. We got you." 

"You br-broke m-me." Cas shivered again but he was red hot. 

"I know." I tried rocking us from side to side but it made Cas even more upset. "I'm so sorry about that, Cas." 

"I-It hurts, D-Dean." He gasped. 

"I'm gonna fix you. You're gonna be okay. You hear me?" 

"Nobody cares that you're broken, Cas." Cas suddenly sobbed and tried wrenching his arms free. 

In the shock of what he said I almost let him. 

_Nobody cares that you're broken, Cas. Clean up your mess._

Goddammit. 

Why did I ever say that?

"Cas, no. We care alright." I argued, pulling him tighter towards me. 

"D-Dean said. Dean said." He shuddered and pulled harder. 

"I told you that you should of set that straight." Sam glowered from the floor, searching for any more glass. 

"I didn't think- I didn't know he remembered." I sighed. "Cas, c'mon. You don't think that's true right?"

"Dean said. Dean said." Cas repeated. 

"Dean didn't mean it." Sam came over, sitting on the edge of the bed, trying to catch Cas' eye. 

It didn't work. 

"No-nobody cares that you're br-broken C-Cas." Cas shook his head violently. 

"Son of a bitch." I muttered. 

I wished I could say I didn't know exactly where that little line had come from. 

I was so angry when I'd said it. 

I never thought he'd remember. 

He was insane. 

How was I supposed to know he would even understand what I meant?

Even Meg had told me I was out of line for saying that. But Cas just went and played twister. 

He wasn't bothered then. 

Cas yelled out again, more Enochian than English.

His eyes were flooded with tears as he screamed his throat raw.

"Cas please. You don't mean that." Sam begged. 

"What's he saying?" I asked, gripping him harder. 

Sam shook his head. 

Too awful to tell me then. 

Great. 

"Cas." I shook him hard. "Focus okay! Just try and get out of it, you can do this." 

"Sp-spanner in the wo-works." Cas was shaking in my arms even though I'd stopped shaking him. "Don't e-even die right." 

"Cas, you gotta calm down." I tried holding him even tighter but he just whined and tried moving even more. 

At least he was speaking English again, even if it did have a strange accent to it now.

"I-I want i-it to sto-o-op." He sobbed. "Why wo-won't it stop?" 

"It'll be over soon, Cas." Sam sighed and looked down at his bloody arms. "You gonna be okay for five so I can get some bandages?"

I nodded quickly and made sure I had a good grip on him. 

"N-Naomi h-hurt me an-and now I-I can't think." 

"Naomi's never touching you again." I sighed.

"Metat-tron hurt me too. And-And Uriel. And Zachariah. Hes-Hester did and Ephriam. Raphael too And Malakai. Ever-everyone hurts m-me. I n-never wanted to h-hurt Dean." 

"I know, buddy. I know you didn't." I sighed, leaning my forehead on his hair. 

"B-but I h-hurt him. S-so he d-doesn't c-care I'm br-broken c-cos I h-hurt him." 

He might be speaking English but he definitely had no idea where he was or who he was with. 

This was getting steadily worse.

"No." I shook my head. "You're wrong, Cas. I'm not angry at you. I care so damn much." 

Cas shook his head and tried again to get out of my arms, breaking into sobs when he couldn't move. 

"I got you, Cas." I kissed his hair, willing him to just snap out of it, like that had ever happened before. "I need you here okay? I need you to be here with me. I can't lose you again." 

"G-gotta tell Dean and Sam." Cas pushed his head back into my chest hard then groaned when I still didn't loosen my arms around him. 

"Please, Cas." I begged. 

"I-I want D-Dean." Cas wailed. 

"I'm right here." I knew talking to him was pointless but I couldn't just let him feel like I was just some stranger. 

"Dean!" Cas yelled, trying to fight me off again. "D-Dean, help me p-please!"

God where is Sam with the damn bandages? 

"I w-want Dean. Where is h-he?" Cas kicked his legs, getting one free and kicking my foot. 

"Dammit Cas." I tried to get a good hold of him again. 

Sam finally came back then and shoved Cas' leg back on the bed so I could re hook my leg around his. 

Cas let out a wail when he was stuck again. 

"How's he doing?" Sam asked. 

"Doesn't even recognise me." I sighed. "These are just getting worse, Sammy." 

Sam pursed his lips as Cas' movements became more sluggish against me, his crying became quieter. 

"N-no one wants me." Cas whimpered. "I just w-want it to end. I-I've had enough." He choked on one of his sobs. 

"Don't say that." I growled. 

"Dean?" Cas whispered. 

"Yeah, buddy. I got you." 

"Wh-why do y-you get to be o-okay?"

"I'm really not." I sighed. 

Cas suddenly jolted and yelled out, his arms pressing tighter to his chest, desperately trying to claw at himself. 

"Wait until he's asleep." I muttered to Sam. 

Sam nodded and put the first aid kit to the side. 

Cas stopped talking after a few more minutes. 

After a little longer his crying stopped. 

Eventually he wasn't fighting against me anymore. 

He gave one last tug to get free and whined. 

Then he just slumped and closed his eyes, his breathing getting heavier as the minutes went by. 

"Now?" Sam asked, picking up the first aid kit. 

I nodded and loosened my arms slowly so Sam could grab one of Cas' arms and set to work. 

"He told you last time he thought he was gonna have an episode. Why didn't he this time?" 

I sighed. "Hell if I know, man. He's been all over the place." 

Sam gently cleaned away the blood and scrunched his eyebrows as the wounds. 

"Looks worse than it is." He concluded. 

"Still awful." I gulped. 

Sam nodded. "He's gonna heal, Dean. Don't blame yourself for this." 

"I should of stayed in here with him and just text you. Or I could of said we should both come and get you. I-" 

"Dean. You're gonna wake him up." He whispered. 

"He's a heavy sleeper." I defended. 

If Sam cleaning and putting steri strips on open wounds didn't wake Cas up then I'm sure me talking couldn't either. 

"Maybe we should call Jody? See her for a few days. She seemed to help Cas out a lot." Sam suggested. 

"Maybe." I agreed.

Sam pulled out a bandage and started wrapping it around Cas' arm tight before handing me his arm back and taking his other one. 

"It's getting worse though, Sammy. At least he used to know who we were, now I could of been a stranger for all he knew. Just holding him down. He-He was shouting for me to come and help him. He's-It's bad." 

Sam sighed. "Yeah, I heard that." 

"So what do we do?" I asked. 

"It's not like we can send him to therapy." Sam mused as he started to stitch up the large cut on Cas' hand. 

Cas whimpered in his sleep but other than that he didn't stir. 

"He'd get sent to the madhouse the second he opened his mouth." I flinched at the sight of him in that damn hospital in the white clothes. 

Sam sighed and nodded. "Maybe we could ask another angel?"

"Don't be stupid, Sam. They all hate him." I quickly looked down but Cas was thankfully still fully asleep. 

Sam frowned. "I don't mean asking nicely." 

"You really think Cas would be a fan of that?" I raised my eyebrow at him. 

Since when was I against beating up some random angel?

Since when was Sam up for beating up a random angel?

Sam's frown deepened. "Guess not." 

"We gotta think of something. Clearly just patching him up every couple weeks isn't working." I huffed. 

"Do you want me to stay with him tonight?" Sam asked as he wrapped the bandages around Cas' arm and then his hand. 

I shook my head. "I got him. You get some food and sleep, man." 

"Shout me if you need anything." He patted me on the shoulder the best he could whilst avoiding Cas. 

I watched Sam leave the room and kissed Cas' hair again. 

"We're gonna fix you up, Cas. I promise." 

I turned slowly to turn off the lamp and pull the blankets over us both. 

Cas gasped and jerked in his sleep. 

I quickly re wrapped my arms around him just in case. 

He woke up after a couple hours.

He was pushing against my arms, trying to get out. 

"Dammit." I sighed, getting ready for more yelling and crying. 

"Dean?" He whispered.

"Are you you?" I asked. 

Cas was frantically trying to look around but it was way too dark to see anything. 

"Let go." Cas grunted and pulled as hard as he could but I gripped tighter. 

"Cas?" I heard my voice cracking, please be him. 

Please. 

"What happened?" Cas sighed and leaned his head back against my chest. 

I found it strange that he hadn't apologised yet. 

That was usually the first thing he did when he got out of an episode.

"You don't remember?" I asked quietly.

Cas shook his head slowly, he was starting to shake a little so I quickly loosened my arms so I could turn the lamp on but I replaced my arms right away. 

"Last thing you remember?" 

"Y-you went and got Sam." Cas shuffled so he was getting out of my grip, he sounded like himself. 

It would be easy enough to grab him again. 

"We came back and you'd locked the door, sat behind it. Took us a half hour to get in." I explained. 

"I-I'm sorry, I don't remember." Cas' voice sounded so small.

He was staring at his bandaged arms, his eyes filling up with tears. 

I felt my eyes do the same as I stared. 

What had happened to the angel I'd met after Hell? 

The angel that threatened to throw me back into Hell because I'd disrespected him.

The angel that only believed in God and himself, no one else. 

The angel that wouldn't understand any emotions that I showed and would be un phased by anything that he saw? 

The angel that barely smiled, barely frowned. 

I knew what had happened, I had broken him. 

That angel was long gone, broken too many times by too many people. 

It's just that I was the most recent. 

The most unexpected. 

"W-why do you do it, Cas? Why do you h-hurt yourself?" I managed to get out before he looked at me. 

His face fell when we locked eyes. 

He didn't want to talk, he looked so hurt and so tired I just wanted to lay him down and let him sleep this off. 

But no amount of sleep could fix him. 

"Feels better than my chest." Cas mumbled, his body slumping and his eyes fluttering. 

"What do you mean your chest?" I asked, my eyes flashing to his chest. 

Hidden by his shirt but I knew that there wasn't any injuries there, he'd slept shirtless a few days ago and he was injury free.

Cas' eyes went to my chest, scrunching his eyebrows as he tried to find the words. 

"The hole." He decided on and got himself back under the covers, flopping onto the pillows.

A hole? 

He did always hold his chest during an episode and most of the time I'd see him with a hand hovering over his chest. 

But there was never an injury there as far as I knew. 

I felt like checking, just to be sure. 

But Cas was already breathing heavy. 

I pulled him so he was lay on me and put my hand in his hair. 

"I got you, Cas. We're gonna figure all of this out. Me and you." I kissed his hair. 

Cas sighed heavily, his fingers twitching as he rested his hand on my shoulder. 

I stroked his hair and listened to him mumbling in his sleep until my eyes started to get heavy, maybe around midnight. 

I heard Sam heading to bed, not before pushing the door open slightly to check. 

My cheeks burned but I pretended to already be asleep. 

He probably didn't notice. 

"Dean." Cas sighed. 

"Yeah?" I whispered, my eyes too heavy to open now. 

"De-" He mumbled again with some Enochian. 

"I got you." I found his hand under the covers and squeezed. 

* * *

I woke up to Sam opening the door and smiling at me. 

I blinked hard to get myself to wake up, Cas was still breathing heavily and mumbling in his sleep. 

The covers had ridden down and our hands were exposed. 

But Sam didn't seem phased. 

"He still asleep?" He whispered. 

"Y-yeah." I glared at myself for blushing but pulled the covers gently so they were to Cas' shoulders. "He-He doesn't remember having an episode."

"Like nothing at all?" Sam scrunched his eyebrows. 

I shook my head. "He woke up for about five minutes around eleven, he was real confused." 

Sam pursed his lips. "They're getting worse." 

"I know. But what are we supposed to do? It's not like we can just take him to therapy or something." 

"Yeah he'd be straight back on a ward." Sam sighed. 

I nodded. "That ain't happening. He's not crazy." 

"I know." Sam chewed on his lip. "Jerry called, he's coming over in a couple hours." 

"Why?" I rolled my eyes. 

Sam shrugged. "It's soup kitchen today." 

"Cas isn't going." I growled. 

Sam smirked. "Yeah, I know. But Jerry wants to see Cas for a bit, make sure he's okay." 

I nodded. 

I knew Jerry knew what had happened when Cas was human, it was obvious that he knew. 

But there was no way he'd tell me of all people. 

No way. 

I looked down at Cas, his face was free from all of the pain and discomfort now. 

Just relaxed. 

Every so often his eyebrows would scrunch or his lips would turn into a small smile. Or he would let out a sigh or a string of muffled words. 

He looked so damn peaceful that I never wanted him to wake up. 

"Dean!" Sam sighed. "Are you gonna listen to me or just stare at Cas?" 

My head snapped up as I felt the heat rising to my ears. "Shut up." 

Sam gave me a shit eating grin. "I have a theory." 

"About Jerry?" I quirked my eyebrow. 

Sam shook his head. "No, on what could help Cas." 

"All ears." 

"So get this; Cas' episodes are basically his soul and grace fighting or something right?" 

"That's how he explains it." I scrunched my eyebrows at him. 

"Yeah, so that's why he lashes out and is so out of control. It's hard enough to control your emotions anyway but to try and control emotions that you've had for not even six years _and_ have a soul and a grace swimming around must be hard to keep on top of." 

"Sam, I already know all of this and so does he." 

"I know." Sam sighed. "But I was thinking that maybe if we took one away he'd have a much easier time." 

I pursed my lips.

Maybe if Cas didn't have one. 

Cas with no soul was the old Cas, the angel that I knew six years ago. 

But even before he became humans it was almost like he _did_ have a soul, he sure understood and empathised a lot more. 

But souls were tricky and complicated, messing around with Sam's soul a few years ago had been messy and awful for all of us. 

"We can't just get rid of his soul, we'd need Death for that and I'm not messing with any of the big bosses. That always ends bad for us." I shook my head. 

"I didn't mean his soul." Sam bit his lip. 

"His grace?" I raised my eyebrows and looked to check that Cas was still asleep. 

I squeezed his hand under the covers but got nothing back, he was still flat out. 

Cas' face when he felt his grace again, he'd been so damn happy. 

Cas talking all about his time in Heaven with Balthazar and Uriel during our late night talks, how even though they were angels and were essentially robots they still had 'fun' and had their own inside jokes. 

Cas always doing his best for Heaven, getting killed and tortured for them dicks with wings. 

Cas going up against an arch angel because he knew that no other angel would and he could try his damn best. 

Cas talking to me about how freeing it was to fly and how upset he is that he doesn't have his wings, but at least he has his grace back. 

Cas being miserable at having to sleep, eat and not being able to heal me and Sam. 

Cas waking up from a nightmare about his grace being ripped out, his pained screams before waking up, clutching at his throat. 

"No." I shook my head. 

"Dean, it's a way for the episodes to stop." 

"He'd never say yes." I shook my head again. "All he wants is to be an angel and fix Heaven. It would be like asking us to become a whole different species, Sammy. He's not a human, he's not supposed to be. He hates it." 

"But-" Sam started. 

"No." I interrupted. "Sammy, he would never go for it. There's gotta be another way." 

Sam sighed. "At least talk to him about it." 

"If it carries on getting worse than _we_ will talk to him." I said firmly. 

Sam nodded. 

"So how was your date then?" He asked, picking up the broken frame and pulling the photo out and putting it in the new frame he'd brought in. 

"We're not talking about it." I huffed. 

"Oh come on. It's just me. Cas said he enjoyed it." He waggled his eyebrows. 

I swallowed, begging my cheeks to stay a normal colour. "He did?"

Sam nodded. "Yeah, didn't really get a chance to ask what you did but he said he liked it." 

"It-It was good, yeah. Diner and a movie." I cleared my throat. "He doesn't like liqourice." I felt myself smiling, remembering his face when he tried a peice.

"So he's more normal than you then." Sam chuckled.

I rolled my eyes at the age old argument and waited for him to start smirking. 

Or a joke. 

Or even just a slight dig. 

But there was nothing. 

Just that stupid smile on his face. 

"Are you gonna go on another one?" He asked. 

"Sam." I sighed. 

"I'm only asking." Sam raised his hands. "I'm happy for you both." 

"Why?" I glared, suddenly hating that Cas was lay on me and I knew that Sam had seen us holding hands under the covers. 

Sam let out a big sigh. "Will you just put aside all your crap and let yourself be happy for five minutes? You have Cas like you've wanted him for years, you got him. Just be happy about it." 

"I am happy about it." I defended. "It's just weird." 

"Why's it weird?"

"I've never been with-I just-are you really gonna make me say it?" I huffed. 

Sam nodded. 

"When we were out yesterday, he uh-he panicked about something. I mean- I don't know what it was we were just talking about cars or something." I swallowed. "But he went to the bathroom and it was kinda obvious to everyone there that he was upset about something and when I got up to follow him they all just- they all just freaking stared at me. And-All I could hear was Dad-"

"Dad wasn't really homophobic-" Sam scrunched his eyebrows. 

I shook my head. "I know that. But he'd never be okay with whatever me and Cas are doing. Like- you know he wouldn't. He wanted us to be like him, strong and good hunters. Not taking any crap."

"You can be like that and still be with a guy, Dean." Sam rolled his eyes. 

I held in my groan so Cas wouldn't wake up. "I know, okay?" I sighed. "But not everyone thinks that. I just-when it's just me and Cas it feels so normal and it's fine but as soon as someone else is there it's like I can feel them watching like something's wrong and I hate it. And then they all just stared at us when we came outta the bathroom and Cas had no idea what they were staring at cos he doesn't understand that kinda stuff and I didn't wanna break it to him." 

"He knows about homophobes." Sam smirked. "Remember when he was 'God'? One of the first things he did was punish a load of them." 

"Yeah, but he doesn't understand the subtle stuff. Like the weird looks or everyone whispering when we sit too close or look at each other for too long and I-I notice it all. I don't wanna be _that_ guy. I'm not that guy, Sammy." 

Sam nodded. "You don't have to think that I'm gonna judge you for it, though. I mean I've been waiting for you both to get over yourselves." 

I smirked. "I didn't think it was that obvious." 

Sam chuckled. "Very obvious. Seriously though, just talk to Cas about it. He'll understand if you just lay it out." 

"I wish I could just get over it and just hold his freaking hand in public without wanting to throw up but it won't happen. I had to wait until the damn lights were off at the movies before I even touched him. And whenever I do anything I'm always checking to see if anyone can see and if he notices that, which he-he eventually will then he's gonna think I don't want him or something." 

"Then use your words and talk to him. If he understands it he won't mind." 

"I guess." I sighed, slowly feeling the heat leaving my cheeks. 

"I mean, even Jody noticed when we went for dinner." He gave me a shit eating grin. 

"You're kidding?" I worried. 

Sam shook his head and laughed. "You were feeding him broccoli, man and calling him Huggybear. She was shocked when I told her you weren't together." 

I blushed scarlet. "I was trying to cheer him up." 

Sam laughed still and stood up to rehang up the photo frame, putting the old one in the bin. 

I had to laugh at how the nickname had just started as me teasing Cas for being so emotionless and now here he was practically snuggled into my chest like he usually was every night. 

"People grow into their names." I smirked. 

Sam grinned. "I guess so. What does that make you? Mr Cuddle?" 

"Shut your face." I glared. "What time is it?" 

"It's around eleven." Sam mumbled, still smirking. 

I raised my eyebrows. "I should probably make some food.I never made dinner last night" 

Sam held his hand up. "I'll fix something up, just chill." 

"You sure?" I asked. 

Sam smiled and leaned on the door frame. "Course I am." 

Then he put his hand over his heart. "So precious." He winked. 

"Bitch." I glared. 

Sam turned and started walking out of the room laughing. "Jerk." 

I rolled my eyes but leaned back again, letting my head rest on the pillows, listening to Cas' steady breathing. 

Knowing him he wouldn't be awake for another couple of hours but he'd be in a foul mood. 

Cas sighed in his sleep and shuffled so he was somehow even closer. 

"Alright, Huggybear." I chuckled even though I knew he couldn't hear me. 

If someone had told me six years ago this was what me and Cas would be doing now I'd of laughed in their faces. 

But I would hate for it to stop. 

Sam was back with a couple of sandwiches after an hour. 

"Took your time." I commented. 

"Jerry's here." 

I nodded. 

"I might of accidentally told him about you and Cas." Sam stared at the floor. 

"Please tell me you're kidding." I begged. 

"I thought he knew." Sam defended. "He asked where Cas was and I just said that he was all cuddled up with you, I thought Cas would of told him." 

I groaned, thankfully it didn't wake up Cas. "Great. How mad is he?"

"He's not the happiest I've ever seen him. You're probably gonna wanna sort this out before Cas wakes up." Sam ran a hand through his hair. "He's in the kitchen. I'll stay with Cas." 

I sighed. "Fine, but I'm eating my sandwich first." I huffed and slowly started moving Cas' limbs off me, gently putting him on the pillows and covering him back up with the grey blanket. 

Cas scowled in his sleep but was fine after a few seconds. 

Sam nodded and handed me my plate. "Good luck." 

"You owe me." I huffed and stalked out of the room, heading to my room to eat my sandwich. 

Jerry would be mad. 

He'd say I was being selfish. 

He'd have that damn 'I'm a better friend' look on his face too.

He'd be a dick but then I'd be in the wrong if I yelled at him back. 

I'd just have to take whatever he threw at me. 

Great. 

Jerry was leaning against the counter glaring at the floor when I walked in. 

It was a soup kitchen day, I'd make the sandwiches since Cas wasn't going. 

Maybe it would soften Jerry up too. 

"Hey, man." I grinned. 

Nothing. 

Expected. 

"Did Sam make you a sandwich? Or do you wanna have one of these?" I asked as I got all of the ingredients out. 

Jerry huffed. "I've eaten." 

"Right." I nodded and started setting up the stacks of bread to butter. 

"How's Cas?" He asked, still un moving. 

"He's been better." I admitted. 

"Yeah." Jerry pursed his lips. "Why now?" 

"What?" 

"You know what I mean." Jerry sighed. 

I bit my lip and felt the heat rising to my cheeks. 

Dammit. 

Can't let Jerry know my issues with this, it'll give him more reason to tell me I'm a dick. 

"I don't know. It just kinda happened." 

"So it's a whim then?" Jerry scoffed. 

"No!" I defended. "I've uh- I felt like this for uh- for a long time but I never- it's never been the right time y'know?" 

"So the right time is now?" Jerry arched his eyebrow at me. 

I shook my head. "Probably not." 

"So why are you doing it then?" 

I gave up trying to butter the bread for now and turned around to face him properly. 

"He's not a kid. He can make his own decisions, if he didn't want this then he would of told me." 

"You sure about that? I mean he'd do anything to not be kicked out again." 

I felt my fists clench and my jaw set. 

But I breathed in and out through my nose. 

"Are you trying to say that Cas is just doing all this so I won't kick him out?" I snapped. 

"I'm not saying he is. But is it really that crazy?" 

"He's not doing that." I scowled. 

Jerry raised his hands. "Say you're right and he does feel the same, do you really think he's ready for this? I mean I love the guy but he's not the most stable dude in the world right now." 

"You think I don't know that?" I growled. "He's gonna get better." 

"And then what?" Jerry asked, anger clear in his voice. 

I scrunched my eyebrows at him. "Then he's better?" 

"So after he's better you're still gonna want him?"

"Of course I am." I scoffed. 

"I still think you're both being stupid." Jerry huffed. 

"Think whatever you want. It's nothing to do with you." 

"Cas is my friend." Jerry sniffed. "I don't want him getting hurt again." 

"I won't hurt him. We've been over this." 

Jerry didn't respond to me, instead just grabbing another knife and started to butter bread. 

I sighed and joined him, the silence was thick and awkward but honestly better than a blow up argument. 

It was much better to have Cas walking into this instead of us at each others throats. 

I gave him a big grin when he came into the kitchen. 

"Morning Sunshine." 

"Is it morning?" Cas narrowed his eyes and took the coffee from Sam. 

His eyes were still sleepy and his shoulders were hunched in my robe. 

I chuckled, trying to get rid of some of the tension in the room. "Not exactly, it's not too late though. Only two." 

He would be happy he hadn't wasted the full day by sleeping at least. 

Cas had a hint of smile as he brought the coffee cup close to his face. 

"You okay dude?" Jerry asked and walked over to Cas. 

I looked up and watched closely. "Just cold. What are you doing here?" 

"I dont't have work today. Can I talk to you....alone?" He nodded out of the kitchen. 

Cas nodded back with a confused look and followed him, pulling my robe tighter around his shoulders. 

"Did you play nice?" Sam asked when they were both safely out of ear shot. 

I groaned. "I think you should be asking him if he played nice." 

Sam rolled his eyes. "Did you?" 

"Yeah. He was being a dick though." 

"That doesn't shock me." He laughed. 

"He's probably in Cas' room right now telling Cas how stupid he's being by going on that date and letting me in his room all the time." 

Sam nodded. "Cas won't listen though." 

"But what if he does?" I started putting the finished sandwiches on the trays. "What if Cas listens and just leaves?" 

"I don't think that's gonna happen." Sam disagreed. "Cas isn't going anywhere." 

"Do you think Jerry's right?" I asked after five minutes of silence.

"About what?" 

"He said that Cas might just be going along with me because he's scared I'll kick him out again." 

Sam pursed his lips. "No, no way." 

"Are you sure?" 

"I can't believe you're even asking that, Dean." 

"He put it in my head, alright?" I rolled my eyes. 

"Well get it outta your head." Sam huffed. 

I sighed and went back to wrapping the sandwiches and putting them on trays for Jerry to take tonight but it wasn't distracting me from what I knew was happening in Cas' room. 

I had to stop Jerry before he convinced Cas. 

I didn't care if I was being selfish, Cas is one of us, he belongs here. 

Jerry can't change that. 

But he could probably convince Cas. 

"Where are you going?" Sam sighed when I started walking out of the kitchen. 

I waved him off and headed towards Cas' room. 

I'd tell him all my damn feelings if I had to. 

Anything to keep him here. 

But then Cas could over think me telling him everything and just think that I was-

I suddenly had my arms full of Cas as he collided with me and wrapped his arms around me, his head in my shoulder. 

"Hey there. What's with the kung fu grip?" I chuckled as I returned the hug. 

"You're very warm." He mumbled into my shoulder.

"Where's Jerry?" I asked.

"My room, I'm just getting dressed." He unwrapped his arms and pulled away. 

I checked him over and noticed a wet patch just over one of his thighs.

"Why are you wet?" 

"I spilt my coffee." Cas explained. "The cup wasn't broken so don't worry." He added quickly. 

"Not worried about a damn cup, did you burn yourself?" I rolled my eyes. 

I broke something at least once a week here and it was usually much more valuable than a coffee cup.

Cas shook his head and shivered again. 

He didn't seem angry with me or even slightly upset with me. 

Maybe Jerry hadn't spoken to him yet. 

If I could just speak to Cas first and then Cas would know that Jerry was talking out of his ass.

"Okay uh-I'll get you a new coffee how 'bout that?" 

The perfect excuse to go back in his room.

"You don't need to." 

"I'll have it in five." I grinned at him and squeezed his shoulder, heading back to the kitchen. 

"I need a favour." I announced when I was in the kitchen, getting Cas' coffee. 

"What?" Sam groaned. 

"I need you to 'need to talk to Jerry' just for like ten minutes. Just so I can talk to Cas." 

"Dean-"

"Please, Sammy." I begged. 

Sam groaned. "Fine, ten minutes." 

"You're the best." I grinned as I left with Cas' new coffee. 

The door was partly open when I walked inside, I could see Jerry had a big grin on but it fell as soon as he saw me, that made Cas turn around and see me. 

But Cas smiled and took the coffee. "Thank you." 

"Jerry, uh-Sam asked for your help in the kitchen." Such an obvious lie. 

Jerry rolled his eyes and left. 

Ten minutes to subtly let Cas know how much I need him. 

"How did you spill your coffee?.You're a lot of things, Cas but clumsy isn't one of them." I smirked as I sat on the bed.

"That's not true, I spilt a whole machine of slush mix at the Gas'n'Sip once." Cas frowned, still stood in the centre of the room. 

It would be somuch easier if he just sat next to me, I could just _show_ him instead of actually telling him. 

But I guess Cas needed to hear the words. 

Had anyone ever talked to him about how much they wanted him around? 

I doubted it. 

He needed this.

"So we have a butter fingers in the bunker then?" 

Cas nodded slowly, clearly confused. 

How could I bring it up? 

What if it made him uncomfortable? 

What if Jerry had already spoken to him and Cas was letting me down easy? 

Was that why he wasn't sitting down?

"Jerry's not happy about us. You were right." I barely heard Cas as he went to sit at the desk. 

I let out a big sigh. 

It felt like relief because we were finally talking but it was what I didn't want to hear. 

Of course Jerry wasn't happy. 

I couldn't read Cas' face, I couldn't tell if he was upset or not. 

"Yeah, unfortunately I am always right." I tried to laugh but it barely came out, especially since Cas didn't smile back.

"But he'll come around. What did he say about it?" I kept the smile on my face, I didn't want Cas to think I agreed with Jerry. 

"He said that he doesn't think I'm okay enough for a relationship." Cas spoke slowly and carefully. 

_Relationship._

My breath caught in the back of my throat. 

Not 'whatever is going on with me and Cas' a 'Relationship'. 

I thought it would terrify me, right to the bones and it did. 

But it wasn't the fear of being in a relationship, it was the fear of messing it up and not having it. 

Did Cas mean what he said? 

"That what this is, huh?" I asked. 

"That's what Jerry said." Cas spoke quickly, some panic on his face now. "It doesn't have-"

"Calm down, Cas." I couldn't wipe the damn smile away. "I want that." I admitted. 

"You do?" Cas' voice was higher than usual, a strange smile playing on his lips as he fidgeted with his hands.

"Course I do. I mean I get what Jerry's saying, I understand why he thinks that and honestly I thought that for a while too but-" I started.

"I'm okay." Cas defended. 

I understood, if I was him I'd be getting sick of people telling me that I wasn't okay. Even if I wasn't. 

"I know you, Cas. I'll be able to tell if it's getting too much for you, even if you won't admit it." 

God why was he all the way over there? 

Just come and sit with me dammit. 

"So when it gets too much you're just gonna stop?" He grimaced.

I shook my head quickly. 

"I'll talk to you about it. Sam said I need to use my words more." 

Cas nodded back, but he didn't seem convinced. 

I maybe had two more minutes until Jerry would be back in here but then it would be three hours until he went to the soup kitchen, meaning I would have the rest of the night alone with Cas. 

I could talk to him all night if I needed to. 

I would talk to him all night. 

We'd talk about this 'relationship'.

I felt myself blushing and my stomach flipping just from thinking about it. 

"I was thinking that we could do another movie night tonight? Maybe we could watch the other X-men, get you up to speed properly?" I asked.

"After I get back from the soup kitchen?" Cas asked, his hand tapping against his knee.

"Cas, You-" I started but Cas' face suddenly turned really angry and he groaned. 

"I'm not allowed?" 

He knew I hated it when he said that. 

He knew I hated it. 

I wasn't controlling him. 

I hated feeling like I was. 

And he knew that 

"Don't say it like that." I huffed. 

Sam took the opportunity to walk into the room then, great just as an argument was starting. 

Great timing Sam. 

"It's the truth." Cas scowled at me across the room. 

I felt my jaw setting as I tried to breathe through my nose. 

The anger was rising, Cas was pushing all the wrong buttons and he damn well knew it. 

Did he want a fight? 

I sure didn't. 

Not today, we were figuring things out not five minutes ago.

I looked over to Cas, he was trying so hard to keep the anger on his face but I could right through him. 

He was upset about something, he was shaking his head a little. 

If we argued he'd just get more upset but try and hide it. 

"Argue with me later?" I tried, it usually worked. 

We hardly ever argued later anymore. 

But it usually got us both to smile at least. 

Cas stood up. "No." He grit out. 

"Cas, what's going on?" Sam finally spoke when I didn't know what to say to Cas' 'no'. 

"I just-j-just need you both to understand." His hands were shaking now as he was messing with something inside of his coat.

"Understand what?" I asked.

"Where's Jerry?" I mumbled to Sam.

"Finishing up the sandwiches." Sam whispered back. 

"You need help, Cas?" Sam asked Cas, making a step to get closer.

Cas threw his coat on the floor roughly and groaned. 

"I w-was sleeping outside an-and I-I tho-thought I w-was gonna d-die there." 

_No_

The room was silent apart from a gut wrenching sob from Cas and the sound of his arms wrapping around his chest. 

If that already wasn't enough to shut me up forever, Cas carried on. 

"I-I wro-wrote a letter b-but I- It-doesn't matter. I-I'm sor-s-sorry." 

_Sleeping outside._

_Thought he was going to die there._

_No._

I swallowed and blinked quickly, making my way over to him.

I caught his eye and held him there. 

He was terrified. Angry. Devastated. Guilty. In agony. 

And all of those emotions he was feeling were my damn fault.

"St-stop." He begged.

"You were homeless?" My voice was so much more angry than I meant it to be but I felt hot, the anger was swarming all around me. 

It didn't matter that I wasn't angry with him, I was angry at myself but Cas _always_ took the brunt of my anger. 

He had for years. 

It was like I couldn't control it around him. 

He would think this was aimed at him too. 

But I couldn't stop. 

"Answer the damn question." I snarled.

"I d-didn't mean to b-be." Cas nodded, his eyes not leaving mine. 

"Cas-" I heard Sam but I held my hand up. 

Sam would try and make Cas feel better and just hug it out. 

Cas needed to talk about it, clearly. 

I'd get him angry enough to talk. 

I was good at that. 

Sam wasn't. 

But it was hard to not let my anger come through.

"All of it? Even when I saw you?" I demanded. 

Cas nodded and I just lost it. 

_"Does that mean I'm allowed to come back?"_

_"You're not kicking me out?"_

_"Y'know the time he was human, most of us knew where he was but it was so pathetic that we didn't want to do anything to the lost little lamb, it would barely be a mercy killing."_

_"I'll be useful again, I swear. I'm sorry it's taking so long I-"_

_"Is-Is Sam coming?"_

_"I didn't- I didn't tell him."_

_"I don't-I don't have anything. N-never had anything."_

_"I didn't think there was anything else that would help, Dean. I'm sorry."_

_"D-Dean! Please I-I didn't m-Dean!"_

_"There's just so much."_

_"My uh-friend at the soup kitchen. He-He was brought to the cells at night and they let him clean up and shower but he was in a cell with an-an angry man and-The man was telling the police how he was going to hurt my friend but-but they didn't listen and he got hurt. But they hadn't done the paperwork so they just put him back outside."_

_"Why do you all look like that?"_

_"Y-you hate m-m-me, Dean."_

_"D-Don't deserve a home."_

_Cas always wakes up from a nightmare shivering._

_Cas always eats food like it's the best damn thing he's ever eaten and is always shocked by how much food people eat._

_Cas helps out at the soup kitchen._

_Cas barely spends any money on himself, only on homeless people._

_Cas is terrified of going to Idaho._

_Cas won't talk about being human._

_Cas hates being human._

Everything swirled around in my head. 

How had I not known? 

What did I think would freaking happen when I kicked him out?

He'd never been human before, of course he would of needed help. 

Of course he would of ended up with nowhere to live because he just doesn't understand because I never explained. 

How could I be so fucking stupid?

"How could you be so fucking stupid? I mean you could-you could of told me. You had my damn number you could of text me and just said and I would-" I started to scream at him.

But Cas flinched back, his face twisting into anger again. 

"Would of what? You didn't want me. You s-sent me away and I tho-thought that you'd ca-call. You-you said, you pr-promised that you'd fucking call a-and you n-never d-d-did." Cas stammered out. 

He was right. 

Dammit he was so right. 

I should just apologise and beg him to forgive me, not that I deserved it. 

I never did call. 

"The phone works both ways you idiot. If I knew-"

I knew the argument was pointless but I didn't want even more guilt to pile on top of the guilt I already had, Cas is a smart guy, he should of called me. 

Cas shook his head harder.

"You knew." He finally looked up. 

Now he was being crazy, of course I didn't fucking know.

"What? Dean you-" Sam started.

"No, I fucking didn't." I growled. 

Cas shook his head again. 

"You-you h-heard the Rit Zien. You heard h-him-m-m." Cas stuttered and choked on more tears. 

I couldn't tell if he was more angry or just so damn upset anymore. 

But I had heard the Rit Zien. 

_"Shh shh shh, it'll be over soon. I'll take the pain away." I heard the angel speaking through the door._

_Was Cas hurt?_

_"I want to live." Cas argued._

_"But as what Castiel? As an angel?...Or a man?"_

_I sighed, that wasn't Cas' damn choice._

_I wasn't having some weird angel coming in here and upsetting Cas._

_I burst in but the angel threw me against the wall instantly._

_Cas was on his knees in front of the angel, he didn't look scared but he didn't look like he wanted to fight either._

_"You say you want to live, but you can't see what I see." The angel sighed when Cas looked down. "By choosing a human life, you've already given up. You chose death."_

_Cas looked up but his shoulders slumped and relaxed, he looked like he was agreeing._

_What angle was he playing here? I knew it had been a while since he'd hunted but the angel was putting a hand over his head, his forehead glowing pink._

_I grit my teeth and slid my angel blade over to Cas, it seemed to snap him out of it at least._

_He picked up the blade and stabbed the angel quickly but when the angel fell to the floor Cas looked almost like he regretted it._

_What was up with him?_

  
"You kn-knew I was hurt-hurting-g a-an-a-and you didn't f-fucking do any-anything."Y-you didn't c-care." Cas sobbed, barely looking at me anymore.

Cas had to know that was a damn lie. 

He knows I care. 

He knows I do. 

Hearing him say that-

Hearing him say it and so obviously believe it-

"Don't you dare say that, Cas. Not to me. Don't-" I felt the hot tears running down my cheeks. 

"You-I needed y-you an-and you sent me aw-away. I-I didn't know-know what to d-do." Cas stammered through his awful words.

His eyes widened as he wiped his eyes, a look of pure fear flashed across his face as all I could do was stare at him. 

I had no argument. 

He was right about me sending him away. 

He needed me and I wasn't there. 

"A-and n-now I ha-have to do it again. Oh God." Cas started to hyperventilate. 

I knew I should get closer to him and try and calm him down, make him promises. 

Tell him how much I wanted him.

Tell him I love him. 

But I couldn't freaking move. 

Cas threw himself out of the way of Sam. 

"I-I can't. I ca-can't do it again." He whimpered. 

"Hey, hey." Sam tried again. 

"Don-don't touch me!" Cas screeched.

"Sorry. Look, Cas. You're never gonna have to do that again, okay? Never. We won't let that happen." Sam promised, his voice shaky and tearful. 

Cas clearly didn't believed him, his head was shaking violently, his knees looked like they were about to collapse under him. 

I swallowed and finally moved, I made a grab for each side of his head and held him still. 

Forcing him to look at me. 

"Cas, listen to me dammit! You're not going anywhere." 

"Y-you're lying." He choked. "You didn't care, D-Dean. You pro-promised you'd call me. My e-entire fam-family hates m-me and they all wa-wanted to k-kill m-me a-and I was ju-just starving out-outside." 

I could almost feel my heart breaking in my chest as he said that. 

I knew. 

He was so right, I knew. 

I just didn't want to believe it. 

He was starving and scared and I wasn't even calling him to check if he was even alive. 

How would I of even known if he was dead? 

I'd treated Cas like I could just throw him away when I was done with him and pick him back up when it was convenient. 

_**'Cas' phone if found pls call: 1-866-907-3235'** _

I remembered seeing that when he first got back and being confused but I never asked about it. 

But it was so obvious now. 

He thought he would die and wanted me to know so when I needed him again I wouldn't be disappointed when he turned up dead. 

Goddammit. 

How could I let anyone think so badly of themselves? Never mind let Cas think that. 

"I know." I croaked. "I'm so fucking sorry, Cas. I-I'm a dick, I never knew it was that bad, buddy. I swear. I just-dammit." My hands were shaking on his head, I let go and grabbed his hand instead, squeezing hard.

"I-I'm sorry." Cas whimpered. "Please don't make me go ba-back. It's s-so cold, D-Dean." 

I pushed down the sob that tried to escape me, Cas needed me to be strong right now. 

I couldn't just cry with him, he needed me to reassure him. 

"You gotta know I'd never do that to you again, please Cas. Try and understand that." I pleaded.

Cas shook his head. "B-but you al-already did." 

I didn't know if the whine that filled the room came from me or from Cas but by the way that Sam pushed me I guessed that it was me. 

"Dean, go tell Jerry what's going on." Sam sighed. 

I pulled away from Cas' hands and heard myself crying now, just a little quieter than Cas' crying. 

But when I was out of the room it all came out. 

Floods and floods of it. 

Cas was almost dead. 

Almost dead. 

And I would of had some stranger call me from his phone and tell me they found some scruffy skinny looking guy dead in the freezing cold. 

And I would of died that day too. 

How close was that to happening?

I didn't care that Jerry was sat in the library when I sat across from him, putting my head down and carried on sobbing. 

He could of been my Dad for all I cared, I'd still be blubbing like a damn baby. 

"What's wrong?" Jerry asked quietly. 

"Cas." I sniffed. 

"Did he give you something?" 

"No." I kept my head in my arms on the table. 

I could hear Jerry's discomfort at having to speak to me but I didn't care. 

He shouldn't speak to me. 

He should just leave me alone. 

"What happened then? He break up with you or something?" 

"H-He told me." 

"Oh." 

"Yeah." I groaned, pulling my head up. 

Jerry's face dropped when he saw my face. 

"Is he okay?" 

I shook my head. "Sam's trying to calm him d-down." 

Jerry nodded. "Hang on." He stood up and left. 

Jerry had been in the bunker too long, he brought a glass and a fresh bottle of whiskey and poured me a generous amount. 

"You wanna talk about it?"

I shook my head. 

"Yeah, okay." He sighed. 

"I get why you hate me so much." I forced a smile as I sipped at the whiskey, trying to ignore the nausea in my stomach. 

Jerry sighed. "You didn't know." 

"I knew there-I knew something wasn't-I should of figured it out." 

"You were worried about Sam." Jerry bit his lip. 

"That's no excuse." 

Jerry nodded in agreement. "There's nothing you can do to change it. It happened and he's fucked up about it. You just gotta try and convince him it'll never happen again." 

"How the hell do I do that? He-He just-he begged me n-not to send him back c-cos it's so cold. He's n-never gonna forget." 

Jerry grimaced. "It's gonna take time." 

"I broke him." 

"Yeah." 

I let my head fall back onto the table, more tears coming down. 

My whiskey sat pretty much untouched beside me. 

It wouldn't help. 

The drugs didn't help Cas. 

The alcohol wouldn't help me. 

Dammit that's why he did them, he was this broken and just wanted it all to stop. 

He let some guy hurt him, whatever that meant, because I'd already hurt him so much. 

"Sam says that Cas wants me for a bit." Jerry muttered and patted me on the shoulder before he left. 

"Th-thank you." I mumbled into my arm. 

"What the hell, Dean?" Sam's voice filled my ears after a few minutes. 

I lifted my head up, Sam didn't seem phased by the state I was in. 

He was all rage. 

"What the hell?" He demanded again. "You didn't call him? Not once?" 

No. 

I didn't. 

I was a dick. 

I am a dick. 

He called me, I remembered. 

He asked me how I was. 

I gave him some bullshit about angels being after us. 

I hung up on him. 

I put my head down again. 

"I really fucked up." 

"You think?" Sam seethed, sitting down and finishing my whiskey, pouring another glass. 

"Why does he even want me after I did that?" I pulled my head back up, wiping my eyes. 

"Cos he's an idiot. You ever even think about pulling anything like this again then we're done, Dean. I mean it." 

He did mean it too. 

I was surprised that Sam wasn't kicking me out of the bunker now. 

The difference was that I knew how to survive out there. 

I knew how to scam credit cards. 

I knew how to get a job. 

I knew how to fake papers.

I knew how to hustle pool.

I knew how to pick a lock and get into an empty motel room. 

I had a damn car to sleep in if I had to, I knew Cas had only just got his car before he got his grace back. 

Meaning he didn't have a car to sleep in for nearly all of his time as a human. 

I knew how to land on my feet, Cas had never needed to know that, so he didn't know. 

I'd survive out there. 

He almost didn't. 

"You're such a dick." Sam sighed, his head in his hands. "Y'know I sent you outta there because you were gonna break and that would make him worse, but all he said when you left was how bad he needed to apologise. How it wasn't your fault and he shouldn't of said anything. He's so fucked up that he can't even be angry at you." 

"Bet you're angry enough for both of you." 

"Damn right I am." He growled. "I mean, he's your best friend. How could you not even call him? For months. He might of been dead for all you knew." 

I heard a wheeze come from my mouth. "I know that." 

Flashes of Cas' old phone with my number engraved into it came to mind. 

He hadn't done that in his new phone.

"What happened when you saw him? Be honest this time." Sam demanded.

"He called me and said he had a case so I went there. He didn't want to see me. He-He seemed real mad when I went to the Gas'n'Sip-" 

_"Do you have any idea how hard it was when I fell to Earth? I didn't just lose my powers. I-I had nothing."_

"He uh- he thought he had this date but it-it turned out he was babysitting. Honest mistake really." I ran a hand over my face. "Uh-then the douche angel came." 

"The one that can feel pain and gives mercy?" Sam flared his nostrils. 

I nodded shakily. "I was waiting for Cas to gank him, I-I thought it would make him feel good to get back into hunting or whatever but-the angel was uh he was saying how he'd take Cas' pain away. And then he started being a dick about Cas being human so I burst in." I sighed. 

"So Cas was right, you heard the angel talking about how much pain he was in?"

"I guess." I nodded. "I just-I didn't think it was that bad. I mean the angel killed a teenager cos her boyfriend dumped her so I didn't think much of it and then his wrist was broken so I thought it was just that." I bit my lip. "It's not an excuse but-"

"Yeah, it's not." Sam glared. 

"Cas was g-gonna let him kill him. He was all ready for it, j-just looking up at him. I threw him the angel blade and he snapped out of it or whatever." 

"And that didn't make you think that something was wrong?" Sam grit his teeth. "Did you even talk to him about it?" 

I shook my head. "I wanted him back okay! I wanted him here but with Gadreel-"

"You could of given him a damn credit card or _something_ that would help. Or you could of sent him to Jody's. Jody would of taken him in no problem." 

"I panicked!" 

"Panicking doesn't last for months, Dean." Sam shouted. 

I knocked back the whiskey and sighed. "I never wanted that to happen, if I knew-"

"Would you?" Sam raised his eyebrow. 

"Are you kidding?" I felt sick. 

"You always think that Cas is fine no matter what is happening. Always. It's only recently that you're mothering him all the time because he's not in control anymore. He might be an angel but he's still got feelings. You left him for a week to find his way to the bunker, I even said we should probably go and look for him but you said he would be fine. We found him dead. And we found out he'd been jumping homeless shelters. But still you kicked him out." 

"What am I supposed to say, Sam?" I growled. "I fucked up, I broke Cas and now I'm paying the price for it? I wish it never fucking happened but it did."

"He wrote us a letter." Sam sighed. 

"What does it say?" I asked, wiping my eyes again. 

Sam shrugged and pulled an envelope out of his pocket, putting it on the table. 

The envelope was white and had no creases. 

Just, 

_'Sam and Dean'_

Written in the neatest handwriting I'd ever seen Cas use for English anyway. 

"He said that the letter explained it better." Sam chewed his lip. "I'm guessing that's why he's been so weird these past few days, he's been writing that." 

I picked up the envelope and flipped it over a few times in my hands before standing up and sitting beside Sam so we could read it together. 

Not that I wanted to. 

I swallowed the bile in my throat, the envelope felt like it weighed a ton. 

"You gonna open it?" Sam asked. 

I shook my head and passed it to him. 

Sam sighed and opened it slowly. 

_Sam and Dean,_

_You both wanted me to tell you what happened when I was human but I can't tell you because it hurts when I try, I know I won't be able to explain it right and I get scared that I'll just end up having an episode instead of finishing telling you so I thought that I could write it down instead._

_When I was human, I was sleeping outside._

_It wasn't either of your faults._

_I don't want either of you to blame yourselves, it wasn't that bad._

_I'm trying to get over it but it's hard and when I think about it, it still hurts._

_I didn't tell you when you saw me because I was ashamed and I thought that it wouldn't take me much longer to get on my feet._

_I had a job and I thought I was doing better, I was almost there._

_And you already weren't proud of me for working at the Gas'n'Sip so I thought that if I had a home to let you stay in if you were to visit again then that would make your proud of me._

_I didn't want to disappoint you._

_You both always blame yourselves for everything but this wasn't your faults._

_It was mine._

_I was stupid and trusted Metatron and I wasn't smart enough to figure out how to be good at being a human._

_I'm trying to get better, I know I'm still not good at it but I'm trying my best._

_I'm sorry for putting you through my behaviour these past few months, it's not been fair._

_If I knew that I would be like this then I wouldn't of come back here._

_It wasn't that bad when I became an angel again, it was like I was healed but now I see that it was just like a temporary fix._

_My soul and my grace attack each other and make the memories worse._

_I'm working on controlling it._

_Now you know all of my mistakes._

_I know it's disgusting and you probably think lower of me, Jody and Jerry said that you won't but I know that you used to think highly of me and watching me fall like this isn't ideal._

_I'm sorry that this happened at all._

_Now you know everything._

_Cas._

I felt like screaming when I read it all. 

I re read it a few times, snatching it off Sam. 

Sam snatching it back and wiped his eyes a few times. 

_I don't want either of you to blame yourselves, it wasn't that bad._

_I thought that if I had a home to let you stay in if you were to visit again then that would make your proud of me._

_I didn't want to disappoint you._

_I know it's disgusting and you probably think lower of me_

The waterworks started for both me and Sam then, the letter just left on the table. 

I grabbed Sam and cried into his shoulder and he cried into mine. 

If Dad could see us now. 

I shoved that thought out of my head. 

All Cas wanted was for me to be fucking proud of him, so much that he didn't tell me he was starving and freezing to death. 

And when he finally tells me 'it wasn't that bad'. 

"I need-I need to speak to him." I grit out. 

"Wait for Jerry to text." Sam pulled away, wiping his eyes. 

_"Angels are watching over you."_

I heard my Mom's voice softly in my ear. 

God if only she knew how right she was. 

Cas was always watching over me, right from the day he pulled me out of Hell. 

No matter what I could count on him being there to watch over me. 

It was so true. 

But Cas needed me. 

When he became human, he needed someone to watch over him. 

I didn't. 

I didn't even give him the chance to carry on watching over me, even though he did. 

As soon as he found out about Gadreel he called me instantly, even though he'd just been tortured. 

He carried on as much as he could. 

But who watched over Cas?

No one. 

He needed me to watch over him for once in my damn life. 

And I didn't do it. 

I could now.

I'll watch over him for the rest of my goddamn life. 

Him and Sammy. 

My family. 

I'd make this right. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, very heavy chapter I know but this is the lowest it can get to be honest.  
> it won't be this sad for much longer i promise  
> anyway, all the quotes that Dean remembered are here in case anyone forgot what part of the fic they were from:  
> "Does that mean I'm allowed to come back?" Cas after a small argument.  
> "You're not kicking me out?" Cas after a small argument  
> "Y'know the time he was human, most of us knew where he was but it was so pathetic that we didn't want to do anything to the lost little lamb, it would barely be a mercy killing." Lana talking about Cas being human  
> "I'll be useful again, I swear. I'm sorry it's taking so long I-" Cas ater healing from a torture session  
> "Is-Is Sam coming?" Cas making sure Sam will be there for a drive so Dean doesn't kick him out again.  
> "I didn't- I didn't tell him." Cas during an episode, telling Dean he didn't tell Jerry where they live  
> "I don't-I don't have anything. N-never had anything." Cas during an episode  
> "I didn't think there was anything else that would help, Dean. I'm sorry." Cas apologising for doing drugs  
> "D-Dean! Please I-I didn't m-Dean!" Cas during a nightmare  
> "There's just so much." Cas talking about how much food is on his plate.  
> "My uh-friend at the soup kitchen. He-He was brought to the cells at night and they let him clean up and shower but he was in a cell with an-an angry man and-The man was telling the police how he was going to hurt my friend but-but they didn't listen and he got hurt. But they hadn't done the paperwork so they just put him back outside." Cas talking to Sam, Dean and Jody  
> "Why do you all look like that?"- Cas after he explains the prison story to Sam, Dean and Jody  
> "Y-you hate m-m-me, Dean." -During an episode  
> "D-Don't deserve a home." -During an episode
> 
> So I really hope that you liked it, I'm pretty sure this will be my last Dean POV but let me know if you want another because I'd be happy to do it.  
> Lotta love and stay safe,  
> C


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys  
> sorry it's taken me a while but I needed to get this chapter right.   
> thank you all so much for your comments and kudos they mean the world to me, I swear.   
> hope you enjoy  
> C

**Castiel's POV**

"S-Sam?" I hiccuped after a while of being silent. 

"Yeah?" Sam looked over. 

Pity.

Anger.

"Is Jerry still here?" I asked quietly.

"Yeah, he's with Dean. You want him?" 

I nodded shakily. 

I noticed how Sam pulled his phone out instead of going and getting him. 

I guess I deserved that after my episode. 

Not that I even remembered it, but by the way my arms and hands were stinging it was a bad one. 

"He's coming." Sam sighed and squeezed my shoulder. 

I nodded. 

_"You're never gonna have to do that again, okay? Never. We won't let that happen."_

_"It's never happening again, you got that?"_

Sam might not think that now.

He'd had time to think whilst we hadn't been speaking and he looked _so_ angry now. 

How could I of not thought that he would be as angry as Dean was too. 

He may have seen Dean be upset but he probably didn't see how angry he was, Dean was going to send me away eventually even if Sam said that he never would. 

Sam had promised that we could just leave together but I couldn't do that to Dean. 

That would hurt Dean so much if I took Sam with me. 

I wouldn't do that to him. 

Would Sam even keep his promise now?

Sam waited for Jerry and left with an upset smile on his face, taking my letter with him. 

He hadn't read it. 

"Hey dude." Jerry smiled and shut the door. "You did it." 

I nodded slowly. 

Jerry sighed and sat beside me on the bed. "Do you feel better?"

I shook my head. 

"Is-Is Dean okay?" I looked up. 

Jerry sighed again. "Not really. He just needs some time to wrap his head around it all I guess." 

"R-right." I wiped my eyes quickly. 

If Jerry wasn't being mean about Dean then something was seriously wrong. 

"I should talk to him." I bit the inside of my cheek. 

Tell him it was all just a big lie. 

It was an attempt at a joke. 

Like the pranks he was always pulling on Sam. 

He would be annoyed about it but he'd get over it if it was just a joke.

Jerry shook his head. "Let Sam do the talking for a bit. I think all of us need some space for a couple hours." 

"But-"

"Cas." Jerry sighed. "Just let yourself calm down a bit. Please?" 

I brought my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them and started to breathe through my nose. 

"He-He needs to know I didn't mean it." 

"What did you say?" Jerry asked. 

I squeezed my eyes shut as everything I yelled at Sam and Dean ran around in my head. 

"I-I told Dean that he didn't care an-and h-he was so-o angry about it. I-I didn't mean it, Jerry. It sounded s-so horrible."

Jerry let out a big sigh. "You think that he doesn't care?"

"He didn't." I wiped my eyes. "B-but now I-I don't know."

"Look, Dean's a complicated guy and I know me and him aren't always on the same page. But I'm telling you right now, he cares about you. A hell of a lot."

"B-but now he's gonna be so an-angry at m-me." 

Jerry shook his head and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. "It's a mess, I'm not gonna lie. But this was never gonna be an easy thing to say." 

_Nobody cares that you're broken, Cas. Clean up your mess._

_Ache_

_Ache_

_Ache_

"I g-gotta fix it then." 

"Not yet you don't." Jerry shook his head. "Just try and calm down. Sam and Dean are talking now, they're probably reading the letter. You said it explains things better right? Maybe it'll clear things up." 

I nodded shakily. "You're probably right." 

"What made you tell them?" Jerry asked. 

"M-Me and Dean went on a date yesterday a-and I finished writing th-the letter. I didn't want him to find it s-so I was gonna go on the d-date and then spend t-time with Sam. Then give them the letter and c-come to your motel." I explained carefully. 

"Right." Jerry nodded at me to carry on. 

"B-but then I was gonna t-tell them and Dean went an-and got Sam b-but I think I had an episode. Dean says I did an-and my arms-" I grit my teeth and sighed. "And then t-today me and Dean w-we were just ta-talking but he said that I-I couldn't go to the soup kitchen a-and I just g-got so angry." 

Jerry nodded again, other than that not moving at all. 

"I-I tried t-to get the letter out of my-my coat b-but it was stuck a-and I was st-still so angry and it-it all just came out." I sighed and wiped my eyes again. 

When would the damn crying stop? 

When would the hole in my chest stop shredding at itself?

It was the biggest it had _ever_ been now. 

I was surprised I was even able to stay stood up throughout the conversation with Sam and Dean.

"And then what happened?" 

"De-Dean was so angry an-and I just got angry at him be-because he kept say-saying that he would have help-helped me if he knew b-but he kn-knew I wasn't o-okay an-and he didn't do any-anything so I g-got so-o angry." I chewed on the inside of my cheek as I remembered Dean's face when I yelled at him. 

"You were right to be angry, Cas." 

"B-but I'm not angry now. I'm just so sorry." I sighed. 

Jerry scrunched his eyebrows. "You did it though. You stood up for yourself and told them what happened. You told Dean how much he hurt you. I'm proud of you." 

"But by do-doing that I h-hurt him." I argued. "It's not okay." 

"It's gonna get you both talking about it, which can only be a good thing. You're gonna get better now that he understands." 

"I don't think so. I-I need to go." I wiped my face roughly. 

Jerry let out a big sigh. "I don't think that's a good idea, man." 

"I-I survived last time. I j-just need to find somewhere more warm. May-maybe Dean will let me ch-choose this time." 

"No, Cas. He's not gonna make you go anywhere. And you're never gonna sleep outside again. You know you'll have me no matter what." 

I shrugged. 

Jerry swallowed and grit his teeth. 

"You're a stubborn bastard, you know that?" 

I nodded. "Balthazar used to say that a lot." I let myself have a small smile. 

Jerry grinned back. "How about we change these sheets huh? Just until Sam and Dean are done talking?" 

I nodded slowly, he was speaking loudly. 

He was probably trying to drown out the sound of Sam yelling. 

I couldn't make out the words but it was definitely his voice. 

Jerry carried on talking at his loud volume, I didn't know what he was saying but he seemed to just be rambling so I didn't feel too bad about not listening to him. 

It would probably make it even worse if I said it was just a joke. 

The only option was to leave. 

They'd want to know more about what had happened and then the pity would increase. 

Maybe they'd read the letter and accept that and we wouldn't talk about it anymore. 

That was possible. 

**You're leaving, Castiel.**

I blinked away the tears as I shook the pillow cases.

I wondered if Dean would keep my yellow sheets when I was gone, he did say they were more comfortable than his sheets in his bedroom. 

Maybe he would. 

I would stay until I knew that Dean was okay. 

**No.**

But not a minute longer.

I hurt him and it was my responsibility to clean up my mess, then I could go. 

Jerry bundled up the blood and coffee stained yellow sheets and put them in the wash basket, draping the grey blanket back over the bed. 

"Good as new." He shouted with a smile.

I nodded and wiped my eyes again. 

Had Sam finished shouting yet?

It was quiet in the bunker, very quiet. 

"I should shower." I ran a hand through my hair. 

"Don't you think you should-" Jerry started to say that I should calm down. 

"The shower is relaxing." I argued. 

"Fine. I'll get some new bandages for your arms." He sighed and headed out of the room. 

I swallowed as I looked around my room. 

What a mess I'd made of it. 

It was clean and neat, Dean liked to keep it tidy as he checked it over but I'd ruined every single part of it. 

My desk is where I wrote my letter.

My bed is where I had most of my episodes. 

The floor is where I usually started my episodes.

In front of the door is where I would sit and fall apart, that was physically damaged now too. 

The middle of the room is where I screamed at Dean and Sam and watched both of their faces turn into guilt, pity and anger. 

I ruined the room. 

After Dean had worked so hard to make it mine with the photographs on the walls. 

And I'd ruined it.

I grit my teeth and pulled some new clothes out, heading to the bathroom with them all bundled in my arms.

Warm clothes. 

A long sleeved green t-shirt, a short sleeved black t-shirt, a warm grey hoodie, some dark jeans, two pairs of socks and some sneakers, they would last much longer than my boots that I wore with my suit. 

If Dean picked Idaho again or anywhere similar I would have a head start this time. 

I threw a towel over the mirror as soon as I went inside and took off Dean's robe, my t-shirt and my jeans.

It stung as I peeled the bandages away from my arms and hand but I still refused to look at the damage I'd done. 

The last thing I needed right now was an episode but I needed to be clean and tidy right away. 

I wouldn't burden Jerry. 

I'd burdened him enough by letting him put up with my behaviour, it was supposed to be me helping him after all and here he was, tangled in my life with Sam and Dean. 

As predicted the shower instantly relaxed me, the burning hot water felt like acid against my arms but it made my shoulders slump and my head lean back against the wall as the water hit me. 

I'd miss this. 

I'd miss the feeling of getting clean and being so hot it physically hurt so much. 

I used the shampoo and shower gel that was the cheapest of course, Sam might say that he didn't mind me using his stuff but it seemed to be rude to use it now when it was my intention of leaving. 

"Cas?" Jerry knocked on the door. "You good?" 

"Yeah." I cleared my throat, the room was full of steam. 

How long had I been in here? 

Long enough for my skin to turn slightly pink and my fingers to get wrinkles. 

"Okay, I'll just be in your room when you're done." 

I nodded to myself and washed the conditioner out of my hair. 

Maybe I should shave before I left too? 

That would be a good head start, maybe I could get a job right away? 

Then it would only be a month or so of sleeping outside again. 

I could sleep in my car now that I had one too. 

Unless Dean drove me to the bus station again. 

But would he even want to see me after I made him so upset? 

I doubted it. 

Maybe he'd let me drive. 

I shut the shower off and dried myself quickly, avoiding looking at my arms still. 

I threw on the long sleeved t-shirt and my boxers before I pulled down the towel from the mirror and started to shave. 

Sam had ended up teaching me how he usually would shave, it was different to the way that Daniel had taught me and it was confusing as Sam liked to keep some stubble whereas Daniel didn't. 

I decided to not keep any stubble like Daniel had taught me, it wouldn't grow back as quickly then. 

Another head start on getting a job.

Maybe I would stop having episodes now and my grace would have a chance to heal properly and I wouldn't even need a job. 

Best to be prepared though. 

I threw on the rest of my clothes and checked myself in the mirror. 

Squeezing my eyes shut when I saw how red rimmed they were and how all the weight that I'd gained since last year may soon be gone all over again. 

I should bring a belt with me. 

"You took your time." Jerry commented when I came back into my room, he was sat at my desk with the bandages all laid out and ready. 

"I shaved." I shrugged. 

"Feeling better?" 

"Much." I lied. 

_Ache._

_Ache._

_Ache._

"I'm not great at bandages so d'you wanna wait for Sam or-" 

"I can do it." I blinked hard and walked over, slowly rolling my left sleeves up. 

Three angry red cuts on the outside of my forearm, one deeper one on the inside. Finger shaped bruises on my wrist.

I swallowed and started to wrap the bandage around tightly, ignoring how closely Jerry was watching me. 

"Are you not warm with all those layers?" He asked. 

I shook my head and pulled my sleeves back down, just to pull up my right sleeves up. 

This arm was worse. 

Two deeper angry red cuts on the inside of my forearm and five on the outside. Then a big purple bruise forming from my elbow to the middle of my arm. Finger shaped bruises on my wrist again. 

I grit my teeth and wrapped it up quickly. 

My hand stung the most as I bent it but soon that was wrapped and covered up too. 

"Do I have a belt?" I thought out loud as I looked. 

"What d'you need a belt for? Your jeans fit fine." Jerry packed away the medical kit. 

I shrugged again as I found one and looped it around my jeans. 

Jerry's lips formed a thin line. 

"You're not leaving." 

"I am." I argued. 

"Where are you gonna go?" 

"Wherever Dean wants me to." I swallowed and pulled my hunting bag out from under the bed. 

Jerry sighed. "What if he wants you to stay?"

"He won't." I squeezed my eyes shut tight. "I know him, he's angry and when he's angry he doesn't want me. So just let me go." 

"At least come to my place." Jerry watched me as I put my purple striped jumper and my suit into the bag. 

I shook my head. "You have your life on track now. I shouldn't be burdening you with my problems." 

"That's a load of shit, Cas. C'mon, don't be stupid." 

"I'm not being stupid." I huffed. "It's smart, leave before Dean gets too angry. Just do as he asks and it'll be o-okay." I quickly blinked away the stinging in my eyes. 

"I'll tell Sam." Jerry warned. 

"He can't stop me." I narrowed my eyes. "He didn't stop me last time." 

"That's because he didn't know, remember? He thought you were just laying low." 

**He's stalling you**

**Leave now**

"I'll 'lay low' then." I set my jaw. "I need my angel blade. I think it's in Dean's room." 

Jerry moved so he was in front of me. "No, Cas. Okay? No." 

"Why are you trying to stop me? You said yesterday that I wasn't ready for a relationship but now you want me to stay here with Dean?" 

Jerry shook his head. "I was outta line yesterday. I was surprised and I was kinda mad that you didn't tell me, I didn't mean half the things I said to you. Dean's helping you. Sam is too. You need to stay here. And you definitely _don't_ need to have a blade on you." 

I rolled my eyes. "You said I'd feel better after I told them and the episodes might stop." 

"That's not a sure thing, Cas! They might not. What if-What if you have another one and we don't know where you are? Angel blades can kill you right?" 

I shook my head. "I'll be okay." 

"You can't be sure." 

"Have a little faith." I huffed. 

"Hilarious." Jerry muttered and stood in front of the door, pulling his phone out. 

I looked around the room at the photos. 

It hurt so much not having anything but human memory to rely on remembering Sam and Dean. 

I couldn't leave my photos of them.

I pulled apart the frame for the one of Sam, Dean and I after the hunt with blood splattered over us. Then the one of Sam, Jerry and the dogs and finally the one of Dean with the apron and put the photos into my bag, reassembling the frames. 

"Cas, what're you doing?" Sam sighed when he came in. 

"Laying low." I explained like it was obvious. 

Jerry definitely already told him what I was doing anyway, asking was just a waste of time. 

"From who?" He raised an eyebrow. "The bunker is the safest place in the world." 

"But you can't angel proof it with me here so I should leave. Angel's don't really like you or me-"

"All of us are warded remember?" 

"That's sometimes not enough." I rolled my eyes. "Does Dean have my angel blade in his room?"

Sam shook his head. "Unpack your stuff, Cas. Get some pjs on." 

I shook my head and pulled my bag closer to me. "I hurt you- and that's not okay. So-So I'll go." 

Sam ran a hand over his face. "That's not how this works." 

I scrunched my eyebrows. 

Sam knew how this usually went. 

"It's always worked like that. Whenever I hurt one of you I always leave." 

"Well that's not how it's gonna work from now on. It should of never even been like that. C'mon Cas." He held his hand out for the bag. 

I shook my head again. 

"It'll be hurting us more if you go." Sam sighed. 

**Liar**

"That's not true." 

"It is." He argued. 

**Sam and Dean were both fine when you were sleeping outside, they're not okay when you're here**

"But-" 

"Bag." Sam demanded. 

"If I go you'll give it back?" I checked.

Sam nodded hesitantly. 

I handed him my bag. 

Sam put it by the door. 

"You gotta stop thinking like this, man." He sighed and went to sit on the bed, nodding beside him for me to sit down. 

"Where's Jerry?" I asked. 

"Checking on Dean." 

Was Dean that angry? 

"Yeah, he's not doing so good." Sam sighed. "Don't worry about him though, he's gonna be fine."

Don't worry about Dean? 

That's all I've done since I went to Hell for the first time. 

I sighed. 

"Where were you gonna go?" 

I shrugged. 

"Didn't think that far ahead." I lied.

He'd get angry at me if he knew I was just going to ask Dean where he wanted me to go this time. 

"This is your home, Cas. I know it's not as grand or as perfect as Heaven but-"

"Heaven wasn't perfect." I argued. 

"But it was your home. You're allowed to be upset that you've lost it." 

I shook my head. "It was my own fault that I lost it though, so why should I get to be upset?"

Sam chewed his lip. "I'm not gonna pretend I know how it felt, Cas. Because I-I can't imagine it. I really can't. But before finding the bunker I don't remember ever thinking I had a home apart from the one that I made with Jess and that didn't last very long and I didn't have Dean or my Dad there so it was still different." 

I nodded and looked at him. 

No pity.

No anger. 

Just sadness. 

"But we were always jumping from one motel to another and staying at Bobby's or sleeping in the car and-." Sam ran a hand through his hair. "When we got here I just treated it like it was another motel, we'd be here a couple weeks and then we'd move on. Like we always do." 

"But you say that this is your home." I scrunched my eyebrows.

"Yeah, it is now." Sam nodded. "It took me a while to think of it like that. A long time. And when Dean was decorating and calling the bunker our home and stuff like that it really annoyed me. Because I couldn't see it like that. All I saw was a bed and a place to do research. But that's not what a home is, not really." 

"What changed?" I asked, bringing my feet up so I was sitting cross legged. 

"Honestly, I don't know." Sam sighed. "I think it was just how constant it was. We always ended up back here, sleeping in the same bed, seeing the same library, having food in a freezer because we'd be here for long enough to go through it. Being able to have a decent shower and buy nice things. And Dean loves it here, seeing him treating it like he was home helped a lot. But it's not just mine and Dean's. You're one of us, Cas. You have been ever since you and Dean met in that barn." 

"I was still with Heaven then." I argued. 

Sam smiled softly. "Yeah but, let's be honest. There was no way you weren't gonna rebel." 

I rolled my eyes.

Did everyone see that I was going to rebel before I did? 

It came as a shock to me but my brothers and sisters all 'saw it coming'. 

And now Sam did too?

"I guess so." I sighed.

"What I'm trying to say is, where you go, we go. So if you hate it here, we'll find somewhere else." 

I huffed. "But your home is here. You both say it is. Why should I change that? And I do like it here."

"You're missing the point, man." Sam ran a hand over his face. "Home isn't about having a bed and a freezer full of food. Or having a place to research. I bet you didn't have those things in Heaven right?"

I shook my head. 

"So what made Heaven your home?" 

I could see he was trying to get me to realise something, hinting but it wasn't clear. 

I scrunched my eyebrows as I tried to figure it out. 

Heaven had always been my home. 

From when I was first created. 

"I'm from Heaven?" I tilted my head. 

Sam shook his head. "Dean and I aren't from the bunker." 

"But you are from Kansas." 

Sam shook his head again. "What did you have in Heaven that made it feel like home?"

"Sam, I really don't understand." I huffed. "Heaven wasn't like here, we didn't have beds or food we just had other angels and weapons and then all of the souls from Earth." I explained. 

Sam nodded. "You had your family. That's what made it home, right?" 

_Twist_

_Ache_

_Twist_

"I don't see how this is supposed to make me feel better." 

"Trust me. Look, Heaven was your home because your family was there. But the other angels, do you consider them all family now?" 

"I-I don't know. Th-they all want me dead." I blinked the stinging away. 

_Twist_

"I'm sorry." He put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed. "Do you consider us family? Me and Dean?"

"Of course I do." I frowned. 

He knew I did. 

I'd lost everything for both of them. 

How could he think I didn't? 

Sam and Dean had been my family for years. 

Even if it was such a short amount of time in comparison with my brothers and sisters we'd all been through so much together. 

"Oh." 

It was so clear now.

What Sam was trying to get me to realise. 

Sam broke into a big grin. "You understand?"

Maybe I'd guessed wrong. 

Best to check with him. 

"You're my family so where you are is my home?" I guessed. 

Sam grinned wider and pulled me into a hug. "Exactly, Cas."

I put my arms around him quickly. "But-Dean's so angry an-and you were so angry too?" 

Sam shook his head and let go, making eye contact. 

I tried not to look away, he still had the pity in his eyes but I tried to ignore it the best that I could.

This was Sam and he was trying to speak. 

I should listen. 

"I wasn't angry at you, man. I don't think Dean was either." 

"But-" I started. 

"I was angry at Dean, okay? What do I even have to be angry at you for?"

"B-because I didn't do well. I messed up being human like I mess everything else up." I sighed. 

"But it wasn't your fault, Cas. That's on us." 

"I told you it wasn't." I glared. "It wasn't either of your faults." 

"Yeah, we read the letter." Sam sighed. "But it's not true, Cas. We can argue about this until we all end up losing our voices. I should of tried to get in contact with you more, I shouldn't of just accepted Dean's excuses. I should of said bye to you before you left on that case we were working-"

"You were possessed." I defended him. 

Sam shook his head. "See what I mean? We could argue this forever. We won't agree." 

"I guess." I shrugged. 

Sam sighed. "You don't have to leave, Cas. I don't want you to. I told you a while back I'd go with you if Dean ever pulled that again didn't I?"

I nodded slowly. 

"But you're g-gonna look at me different and-"

"What do you mean?" Sam asked. 

"Like-" I groaned. "Like that." 

"I'm just looking at you?" Sam bit his lip. 

The pity was still there. 

_Ache._

_Ache._

_Ache._

My chest howled as I tried to organise the chaos of words that I wanted to say. 

How could I put this right? 

How could I explain without hurting him more?

"Pity. You think less of me and-and it's just-I can't have y-you look at m-me like that. It's how everyone used to w-when I'd be in the p-park, Sam. I-I can't have y-you and Dean th-think of me like that. I j-just can't." 

Sam looked down for a moment, staring at his hands. 

I couldn't even explain an expression on his face without upsetting him. 

"Is that where you slept?" He asked, still not looking up. 

"Sometimes." I swallowed. "It was the store room at the Gas'n'Sip when I was w-working. So it wasn't that-"

"Don't tell me it wasn't that bad, Cas. Don't." His head snapped up. "No matter how much you try and down play it, I know it was fucking horrible. So don't try and say it _wasn't that bad_." 

I swallowed again. 

"O-okay." I nodded shakily. 

"I don't think of you any different." Sam bit his lip. "You're still my best friend, Cas. I just-It's gonna take some time and a bit of talking to get through this, okay? So I'm sorry if I look at you like that, I really don't mean to. But I don't think of you like that. I really don't. You're still the bad ass angel I met on Halloween about to blow up an entire town." 

I felt myself smiling. "We were't actually going to do it." I rolled my eyes. "Uriel wanted to." 

Sam smiled softly. "I'm just glad that Dean got you and not him." 

"Uriel was there when I pulled Dean out of Hell, but I was a better flyer then." I sighed. 

"That's why it was you then?" 

I shrugged. "My superiors said that I was the best flyer in the garrison but-but I could be replaced too if I failed." 

"Nice." Sam scowled. 

"Angel's aren't exactly known for 'sugar coating'." I smirked and wiped my eyes. 

"I guess so." Sam smiled. "Do you understand now though? We want you here, it's where you belong. With your family." 

"I-I think so." I nodded slowly. 

How long would this family last though? 

My last family had lasted for millennia but the decision I made to stand by Sam and Dean and I was gone forever.

Only allowed back to be brainwashed and used. 

Would Sam and Dean turn on me if I made another mistake? 

"That's so good to hear, man." Sam pulled me in for another hug and I returned it.

"Is Dean still angry at me?" I asked. 

Sam shook his head. "He's more mad at himself." He sighed.

"I need to talk to him." I decided. 

"You ready to?" 

"Of course."

Sam nodded and pulled out his phone. 

"I'm just gonna talk to him outside a minute, that cool?" 

I nodded quickly as he stood up, leaving the room and shutting the door, it couldn't be locked now after they broke it down. 

I swallowed when I heard Dean's voice, low and whispering. 

Sam's voice was the same. 

I didn't try and listen to whatever they were saying, that would be rude to do and it would irritate me if I couldn't strain my ears enough to hear them. 

Instead I tried to listen for the faint buzzing of the lights which I could sometimes hear. 

Now was not one of those times. 

"Cas?" Dean's voice filled the room as he shut the door. 

My head snapped towards his voice and I found myself on my feet. 

Dean had been crying, a lot. 

And it looked like he was still holding back tears. 

"I-I'm sorry." I searched his face for the anger but found nothing but guilt. 

"Don't you apologise." He shook his head and stepped closer. 

"But I am." I argued. 

Dean closed the distance and wrapped his arms around me and I just fell into him. 

He smelled like whiskey but I didn't mind. 

It was such a familiar smell when it was mixed with him. 

"S-Sam said you were gonna go-o." He whispered.

"I th-thought you'd want that." 

"You're a stupid son of a bitch." He sighed and squeezed me tighter. "I never want you t-to go. Never." 

"Y-you were angry, D-Dean." 

He nodded. "Not at you. I-I shouldn't of yelled at you. I'm so damn sorry, Cas. None of it-None of it should of happened." 

"It wasn't your fault." I sighed and pulled away, reaching for his hand instead as we sat down on the bed. 

Dean shook his head. "You're not gonna change my mind on that, buddy." 

"I didn't w-want to tell y-you like that. I h-hurt you." I sighed at myself crying again. 

When would this stop happening?

"I read the letter." He squeezed my hand. 

"It does ex-explain it better." I nodded. 

"All you wanted was for me to be proud of you, huh?" 

I nodded shakily. 

"How messed up is that?" He wiped his eyes quickly. 

I tilted my head at him. 

"You're a damn angel Cas. I'm just me. Dean Winchester. And you. I mean you led heavenly battles, started a war and you've done so many amazing things and you just wanted a screw up like me to be _proud_ of you?"

"You're not a screw up." I argued. 

"That's not the point." He sighed. "Cas, you shouldn't need me to be proud of you. But I am proud. I've always been so proud of you. I'm always telling Jody and Garth all about you." 

"Y-you are?"

He nodded. "Garth got so sick of me rambling on about how great you are he threw a book at me once." Dean smiled. 

"But how can you be? I-I failed so much in Heaven and n-now you know how much I failed a-as a human too. You can't be proud." 

"Listen to me okay?" Dean wiped a tear away from my cheek with his thumb and kept his hand there. "You have done so much for me to be proud of you for. You can't just decide that I can't be proud, Cas. It doesn't work like that." 

Dean pulled me into him and stroked circles on my back. 

"You're mine, Cas. I should of never let you go. P-please. Please don't leave me. Please."

I pulled out of Dean's grip and brought my hand up to wipe his tears like he did for me. 

"You're not angry?" 

He shook his head. 

"Promise?"

"Y-yeah, Cas. I promise." He closed his eyes and leaned into my hand.

"But you're angry at yourself." 

He nodded and opened his eyes. "I hurt you so damn bad, Cas. I can't take it back." 

"I forgave you a long time ago." I scrunched my eyebrows and moved my hand, putting it in his again. 

Dean squeezed tight. 

"You should be angry with me." 

"I can't be." I shook my head. 

I was angry. 

I was so angry before. 

But it wasn't at Dean. 

Dean was only ever looking out for Sam, I couldn't be angry at him for my failings. 

Dean sighed at himself as more tears fell again. 

"I don't- I don't know how to fix this, Cas. I don't know how to fix y-you." 

I nodded in time with my chest aching and tearing. 

"It's not your job to fix me, Dean. You-You help so much by just letting me be here with you." 

A whine escaped Dean's throat. 

I did what he did to me when it all got too much, I pulled my hand from his and pulled him close to me, my hand going into his hair. 

Dean's sobs tore through me and shook the hole in my chest hard but I swallowed and grit my teeth. 

I could deal with the hole in my chest so I could comfort Dean. 

"It's okay." I squeezed him harder. 

Dean clung onto the hoodie I was wearing as he cried harder. "Stop saying it's okay." 

"But-"

"It's not okay. I fucked up and-and you're the one who's suffering for it, Cas. You can't sit there and tell me it's all o-okay. I-I can't accept that." 

"I'm sorry." 

Dean's breathing was erratic as more sobs escaped. 

"Tell me-Tell me how bad it was." He cried into my shoulder. "I deserve it." 

I shook my head. "It wasn't that bad, Dean. I survived it." 

Dean wrapped his arms around me tighter. "You said y-you thought you-" Dean let out a shaky sigh. "You th-thought you were g-gonna freaking d-die." 

"It doesn't matter." I kept him held to me as he was shaking, hard. "I'm not dead." 

"How-h-how close?" He asked. "Don't bullshit me." 

"I-I don't know."

"Th-that why y-you carved my damn number in your phone?" 

I felt my breath catch in my throat. 

I didn't realise he'd ever noticed that. 

"I just-I just didn't w-want you to think that I d-disappeared an-and didn't want you. If-If I did-die then you'd know and you wouldn't think I-I didn't want you still." I tried to explain but it still made more tears come from Dean and a groan. "What?" 

Dean shook his head. "Y-you didn't want me t-to feel like you did, huh?"

"No." I carried on stroking his hair, it didn't seem to be helping but he wasn't complaining or moving away. 

"What the hell did I ever do to deserve y-you, Cas?" 

"You made a demon deal." I reminded him. "I believe it was chance that Zachariah picked me." 

Dean let out a shaky chuckle. "You-You were the lowest an-and you st-still just freaking cared that I wasn't upset. I mean-how-how can you-." 

"Because you're important, Dean. I don't like it when you're upset." I moved until we were lay down, Dean's head on my chest, my arms still wrapped tightly around him. 

Dean brought a hand to rest on my shoulder as I moved one of my hands back to his hair. 

"I don't know why I was so angry before. I-I think I was just worried about giving you the letter and-and it all just came out. I didn't want to upset you. I'm so sorry I did." I chewed on the inside of my cheek as Dean moved to rest his head right above the hole in my chest. 

"I'm surprised you didn't scream at me as soon as you came back." He mumbled into my hoodie. "I would have if it was the other way." 

"It was t-too embarrassing." I explained quickly. 

"There's nothing embarrassing about it, Cas. You have n-nothing to be embarrassed about. I-I promise." 

"B-But when-when I was-" Saying it was still difficult, the words caught in my throat but Dean was patient, he stayed silent as I tried to speak. "H-human." I decided on. 

"The way that-I know what pity is." I blinked hard to avoid starting crying again. "Naomi always used t-to look at me with pity an-and when I was human it's th-the _only_ look I got. Apart from Nora because sh-she didn't know. I-I hate it. I don't w-want _anyone_ to ever look at me like that again b-but as soon as I told y-you and Sam both of your faces changed. I could see it. I don't w-want to be pitied again." 

"I don't pity you, Cas." Dean pulled his hand back and wiped his eyes before pushing himself up to lean on his elbow, looking at me. "I feel terrible that y-you had to go through that. But it's-it's not pity."

"Then w-what is it?" I asked. 

"It j-just breaks my heart." Dean gave me a shaky smile, a tear falling down his cheek. "But I-I know you would of tried your damn best. How can I pity someone who tries so hard?" 

"It wasn't good enough." I swallowed. 

The hole in my chest was aching as his face changed, it looked like it was pity but Dean had said that it wasn't that. 

I wanted to believe him. 

"You gotta st-stop being so hard on yourself, Cas." He pulled my hand away from his hair and squeezed it hard. "You did the-the best that you could with n-no help at all. An-and here you are, still doing the best you can. Hell, you're trying to make me feel better ab-about something I did to y-you. You're good enough. I swear it. Stop beating yourself up thinking that you're not good, you're one of the best people I've ever met." 

I felt my bottom lip starting to wobble as I squeezed his hand hard as he let his head rest on my chest again, right above the hole. "Thank you, Dean." 

_I love you._

_Ache._

_I love you._

_Ache._

_I love you._

**_Ache._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey dudes  
> it's a short one I know, but I'm staying up tonight writing so a new chapter will be up in a few hours if luck is on my side.   
> also with Cas and Dean's and Cas and Sam's conversations I think it needed to kinda end there if you know what I mean  
> hope it lived up to your expectations  
> I was happy that you all like Dean's POV and I know I said the last chapter will probably be the last one but I am considering doing another before we end this fic so if there's any future chapters you want in his POV please do let me know   
> see you all in the next chapter which will be up very soon  
> lotta love and stay safe


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys   
> thank you for all your comments  
> this one's a little short and a tiny bit fluffy (a bit so please don't get your hopes up too soon, the real fluff will be in a few chapters)   
> lotta love  
> C

**Castiel's POV**

Waking up tangled up with Dean was the best way to wake up I'd decided. 

But which way was the best? 

Usually I'd wake up with my head resting on either his chest or his shoulder, one of his hands would be on my shoulder blades and one of my hands would be holding onto his shoulder. Our legs would be tangled together under the covers and it would be so _warm_ and the only thing I could hear would be Dean's steady heartbeat and his heavy breathing. If he was still asleep then I would hear him snoring and feel his arm get tighter around me if I moved. 

Sometimes I would wake up with Dean like the first time I ever had which was on my side with Dean's face close to mine from behind me, his arm wrapped like a vice around my waist. Whilst it was a really great way to wake up as it was so _warm_ and _safe_ sometimes it wasn't pleasant to have Dean snoring so loud in my hear and sometimes drooling in his sleep. But still I didn't mind it much. 

Less often I'd wake up and we'd be at opposite ends of the bed, both of us at our respective sides. If that ever happened though it wouldn't last long as I'd wake up too cold and find my way over to Dean's side or Dean would wake me up by pulling me over to his side. 

This way of waking up almost never happened. 

Dean was still asleep, heavily asleep too which was rare as I usually slept for longer than he did. 

Then I was flat on my back which I never slept like, not even as a human did I sleep flat on my back. It felt way too exposed but here, it almost didn't. 

Our legs were tangled together, less comfortable than usual as we both seemed to be wearing jeans. 

Dean's entire body was on top of mine, one of his arms was underneath my back, I recognised that it should be uncomfortable for both of us. It should of been hurting my back and making his arm go numb. But he hadn't moved and I didn't mind it being there. His other arm was raised out of the covers, his hand still in mine from last night. Gripped so tight that it should be hurting and our hands should of gotten tired in the night. But they didn't. 

Dean's head was still resting on my chest, right above the hole that stayed aching. 

Why did it carry on aching so much? 

Things were going to be okay now. 

I moved my free hand and started to stroke Dean's hair. 

Dean sighed in his sleep, somehow gripping my hand even tighter. 

Maybe this was the best way to wake up after all. 

A light knock on the door distracted me from my thoughts. 

I quickly pulled the grey blanket so it was covering most of Dean and our hands, he didn't like people seeing us like this but I couldn't just move him off me. 

"Yeah." I whispered. 

"Just me." Sam smiled as he came in. 

"Hello, Sam." I smiled back. 

"How're you feeling, man?"

"Okay." I nodded.

"Sure?" He raised an eyebrow. 

I nodded again slowly. 

"We're gonna go and see Jody today if you're up for it? I called her last night and she-she wants to know how we're all doing. Typical Jody huh?" 

"I-I think I'd like that." I thought carefully. 

Jody was someone who understood the aching in my chest. 

Maybe she'd understand why it was still hurting even though I told Sam and Dean everything. 

Sam nodded back, smiling again. "Good, just uh I'll probably be in the library when you both drag yourselves outta bed." 

"Okay, Sam." I mumbled as he left the room. 

"Morning, Sunshine." Dean muttered into my chest. 

"You're awake?" I asked, looking down. 

He hadn't shown any signs of waking up at all. 

"Woke up when you did." He sighed. "Seeing Jody sound good to you?"

"I think so." I nodded. 

Dean squeezed my hand before pulling himself up. "You've been holding out on how comfy you are." He smirked. 

I rolled my eyes. 

"Always using me as a pillow, I'm using you as a pillow from now on." He muttered. 

I found myself smiling as he rubbed his eyes. 

He didn't seem upset like last night anymore, his eyes still seemed a little red rimmed and there was the faint smell of whiskey still but other than that he looked fine. 

"How are you feeling?" He asked. 

"Are you okay?" I asked at the same time. 

Dean broke into a big grin. "Yeah, I'm good, Cas. Are you?" 

I nodded. 

He didn't need to know about my chest still aching, I couldn't risk upsetting him again. 

It wasn't fair to do that to him. 

"Coffee date in the kitchen?" He asked. 

"How's it a date?" I tilted my head. 

"Because I said it is." He smiled. "I'm gonna freshen up, be there in ten?" 

I nodded and untangled myself from the green covers, watching Dean as he left. 

My chest carried on aching, just small pulls and tears. 

I couldn't have an episode could I? 

I'd done everything right. 

I'd written the letter. 

I told Sam and Dean what had happened.

They even read the letter. 

I spoke with them both afterwards and they didn't tell me to leave. 

Everything had gone okay. 

**You didn't leave**

I didn't leave because Sam and Dean want me to stay here so that couldn't be why it was still hurting. 

**Do they want you?**

Jody would know why. 

She said that it was grief and she had the same thing. 

I would ask her when Sam and Dean were busy. 

My bag was still by the door, I grabbed it and pulled out the photos and placed them onto my desk in a neat pile and put my clothes back into the dresser. 

I wondered if we'd be staying at Jody's tonight. 

**Me:** _Sam, will we be back at the bunker tonight?_

 **Sam:** _Not sure man, I've got some clothes for you in the impala though if that's what you're thinking_

 **Me:** _Okay_

Why did he already have my clothes? 

When had he taken them? 

Which clothes were they? 

I checked my dresser. 

The clothes that were missing were warm clothes. 

Two of my hoodies and a pair of jeans and some underwear. 

Why did he pack the warmer clothes when it's not that cold in South Dakota this time of year? 

Unless-

_No_

_no no no no no no no no no_

I shook my head and grit my teeth, quickly changing into a pair of boxers, socks and jeans. 

I kept on my long sleeved t-shirt, my short sleeved t-shirt and warm grey hoodie. 

Then I took the photos again and put them into my jeans pocket. 

If Sam wanted this then I would do it. 

I understood why he wouldn't tell me. 

Did Dean know? 

When did he tell Dean? 

I blinked quickly as I walked out of my room and headed into the bathroom. 

My toothbrush was still here but Sam and Dean always had spare toothbrushes in the impala anyway. 

I brushed my teeth quickly and headed back to my room. 

Just one last look. 

"Cas, you okay?" I heard Dean come in. 

I quickly turned around. "Yes. I thought I was meeting you in the kitchen?"

Dean shut the door and smiled. "You were taking too long." 

"Oh." I swallowed. "Sorry." 

"It's okay." He shrugged and closed the distance between us, pulling me by my waist into him as he kissed me. 

**Last kiss? Again?**

I tried to push the thoughts down as I kissed Dean back, his tongue tracing my bottom lip. 

My entire body felt as if it were on fire as Dean's hands roamed all over me. 

"D-Dean." I gasped out. 

"Mhmm?" He moaned into my mouth. 

"Why-Why are you doing this?" I forced myself to pull away from him. 

Dean scrunched his eyebrows at me, his hands still resting on my waist. "You said you liked it." 

I nodded. 

"So-I can do it again?" He looked confused. 

Maybe Sam didn't tell him yet? 

I bit my lip. 

One more couldn't hurt. 

Maybe the fire he made me feel would last a while so I wouldn't get cold. 

"Yes." 

"C'mere then." He pulled me roughly into him again, starting up the fire instantly. 

I would miss this so much. 

Dean's hands ended up lower as he pulled me again, his lips leaving mine and travelling down to my neck. 

I heard a whine coming from my throat which was followed by a groan from Dean. 

Did I do something wrong? 

I'd never made that noise with April. 

Maybe I had. 

"Relax, baby." Dean kissed me gently just underneath my ear. 

I gripped tighter onto his shoulder, my other hand going into his hair. 

Dean's breath caught when I accidentally pulled his hair when he lightly nibbled my skin. 

"Gonna kill me, Cas." Dean chuckled against my neck. 

I experimented with pulling his hair again so he was back at my lips, Dean moaned and kissed me harder, his tongue instantly in my mouth. 

"Are you guys gonna join me at any point today?" Sam sighed from outside my room, knocking on the door. 

Dean chuckled against my lips, leaning in to kiss me one more time. 

"I guess we'll have to have coffee on the road." He winked. "Coming now, Sammy."

I nodded and flattened my hoodie back over my waist, checking that I had the photos and my wallet in my pockets still. 

Yes. 

Everything would still be okay. 

Dean smiled at me again before leading me out of my room to meet Sam. 

Sam didn't look like he was keeping any secrets. 

But Sam and Dean were both really good at keeping secrets. 

It would still be okay. 

I had a credit card this time. 

**What if they take it off you? It's their credit card.**

I should of asked Sam and Dean the questions that I'd had. 

How does one apply for a credit card online? 

But I knew how to get a job now. 

If they sent me to Idaho again I know I could go to Nora. 

She would let me work at the Gas'n'Sip again. 

I hoped anyway. 

"Wanna sit shotgun?" Dean asked when we got to the car. 

I was shotgun when he took me to the bus station. 

I shook my head and slipped into the backseat. 

Dean instantly started to blast music which annoyed Sam and they started to bicker. 

I watched out of the windows as we drove, the music not helping to drown out my thoughts or soothe the hole in my chest. 

I wanted to hold Dean's hand again. 

That would help a little. 

Only a little. 

I felt like reaching down the side of the seat and pulling his hand towards mine. 

But it wouldn't be a comfortable position for either of us and Sam would end up figuring out what we were doing. 

Dean didn't like Sam seeing that. 

I grit my teeth and stared harder out of the window, trying my best to keep my face composed. 

Dean's eyes did keep flashing to me in the mirror, I clearly needed to do a better job. 

Suddenly we were pulling over. 

We were ten minutes away from the bus station by car. 

Would they have me walk from here? 

Maybe Dean didn't know yet and Sam was going to tell us both now. 

Maybe that's why Sam was driving. 

"Wanna come with me, Cas?" Dean asked, starting to get out of the car. 

Did I have a choice? 

I nodded and also got out, leaving Sam inside. 

Dean didn't get my bag out of the trunk. 

Maybe he still didn't know. 

"'Sup with you?" He asked as we headed into the gas station. 

"Nothing." I swallowed. "What are we doing here?" 

"Snacks. We all skipped breakfast and it's a long ass drive." He explained. 

Jody's house was less than six hours away. 

Only five hours if it was Dean driving. 

Sam stuck more to the speed limitations. 

But the drive to Idaho was over seventeen hours. 

Dean wouldn't consider six hours 'a long ass drive' at all. 

Seventeen hours though. 

He would consider that 'a long ass drive'. 

He knew.

Sam must of text him. 

Or when Dean went to 'freshen up', Sam had told him his plan. 

_no no no no no no no_

They promised. 

No. 

"Cas, you've been staring at that beef jerky for almost an hour." Dean came up behind me. 

"It's not been an hour." I disagreed. 

Dean sighed. "Five minutes then. If you want them, get them. You got your wallet right? If you don't I can just get it, but the condition of that is you gotta share." He winked.

Was he checking? 

I nodded slowly and picked up a pack. 

I wasn't hungry at all. 

Maybe my grace was returning? 

I moved away from the beef jerky and followed Dean as he got a couple of water bottles and six sandwiches. 

There were only three of us. 

Why would he get six? 

Dean ended up paying anyway, telling me to put my wallet away when we got to the counter. 

An ache ripped through my chest. 

I grit my teeth and closed my eyes. 

But when I opened them I realised I was gripping onto Dean's hand. 

"You okay?" He mumbled, his cheeks pink as he pulled away from my hand. 

"Sorry." I nodded.

He took his change from the clerk and muttered a thank you before leading me out of the gas station. 

"Sorry, Cas. It's just-"

**You're leaving soon and he doesn't want to give you the wrong idea**

"It's okay. I understand." I slid back into the backseat. 

The blush stayed on Dean's cheeks for the next five minutes and he'd switched seats with Sam so that he was driving. 

We drove straight past the bus station which made sense since we'd bought all of the snacks for the journey. 

Maybe they were taking me straight to Nora so I could get my job back. 

Sam and Dean were nice like that. 

But Dean knows how much Idaho sets off my episodes. 

_no no no no no no_

I controlled my breathing and turned away from the windows as we drove, instead just looking in Dean's direction as he drove, leaning against the car door with my knees up. 

"Why don't you go to sleep for a bit, Cas?" Dean turned to me even though he should be watching the road. 

I knew how important that was after I learned to drive in my-

Oh no.

My car was still at the bunker. 

Was I not allowed it? 

I'd bought that with the money I had earned though. 

Maybe it was payback for the past few months.

"I'll try." I muttered, putting my head down onto my knees. 

The music was too loud for me to hear their conversations and for that I was glad. 

I didn't want to hear their plans for taking me back to Idaho anyway. 

I already knew what I needed to know. 

What I didn't understand was why Sam made me figure out that home is where your family is if he was going to send me away the next day. 

I didn't understand why he would do that. 

My chest ached as I realised that Sam and Dean didn't consider me family and that's the realisation that Sam wanted me to have. 

He wanted me to realise that and leave on my own. 

I hadn't understood properly. 

When did I ever understand properly? 

"Cas, you asleep still?" Sam asked. 

"No." I pulled my head up just as we were passing a sign. 

_'Welcome to Beresford.'_

Beresford is in South Dakota. 

Not on the way to Idaho. 

That didn't make sense. 

"Where are we going?" I asked, my voice was shakier than anticipated. 

"Jody's?" Sam scrunched his eyebrows at me. "You look pale, Cas. Are you feeling okay?" 

I nodded quickly and put my head back down on my knees. 

The music was turned down. 

"If you feel sick we can pull over." Dean's voice filled the car. 

"I'm not gonna be sick." I swallowed. 

"Eat a sandwich, man. You haven't eaten in days. 

"Not hungry." I shook my head. 

"The jerky you got?" He suggested. 

"I'm not hungry." I snapped.

Dean-" Sam started. 

"Leave it." Dean huffed back and got out of the car, opening my door and pulling me out by my arm. 

Sam didn't get out but he was pulling me to the trunk. 

Where my bag was. 

Maybe he wanted me here this time. 

In between the bunker and Jody's. 

That was better than Idaho.

But my chest still ached and ached at the thought. 

Dean patted the trunk and something inside me just broke. 

"No." I begged, pulling my arm out of his hand. 

"What?" Dean looked over. 

"I-I don't want to be here. Please." I felt my eyes stinging. 

"Cas, you haven't eaten in days but you're still sleeping every night. Your grace isn't back yet, right?" 

I shook my head. 

"So you need to eat something. C'mon, please?" He opened up the trunk. 

I turned away quickly. 

_no no no no no no no_

Dean sighed as I heard him rummaging around in the trunk.

"Cas, look at me." 

I slowly turned back when I heard the trunk shutting again. 

This is it. 

**This is it**

Dean didn't have my bag, he had a sandwich and a bottle of water. 

"Eat up, we ain't leaving until you've had at least half of both." 

"But-" I started to argue. 

Dean sighed and shook the water bottle at me. "I'm not arguing about this. Eat." 

I shakily took the water bottle and the sandwich, leaning against the trunk with Dean beside me. 

The thought of eating it made my stomach flip. 

But it seemed like it would make Dean happy if I ate it. 

Dean smiled a little when I did. 

"What's up with you today, huh?" He asked. 

I shrugged. 

"I get it. Still all a bit crazy from yesterday. It's a big thing." He scrunched his eyebrows. 

"I'm fine about yesterday." I lied.

Dean nodded. "Well, you can speak to Jody about it if you want when we get there." 

"I'm going?" 

"Yeah?" Dean gave me a confused look. "Of course you're going. Why else would we have brought you-" Dean's face dropped. 

"You think that we're taking you away again right?" He pursed his lips. 

"You're not?" I blinked rapidly to get rid of the stinging. 

"No." Dean shook his head and sighed. "I told you last night, Cas. I told you-" 

"I-I'm sorry." I mumbled into the sandwich. 

"Why'd you think that?" Dean asked. 

I scrunched my eyebrows and sighed. 

He looked upset again. 

At least he wasn't crying. 

I didn't think I could handle that and the aches in my chest. 

"Because-Sam took warm clothes and-and then we stopped to get food and Jody only lives six hours away so-so you've never said it's a l-long drive before." I tried to explain but I was sure it sounded ridiculous to him. 

It sounded almost stupid now I said it out loud. 

Dean pursed his lips in thought. 

"You should of just asked, Cas." 

I nodded. 

"Sam's had a bag for you in the trunk for a few weeks now, just in case you ever need a change of clothes if we're out. I have a load of spares in there too, so does Sammy." 

"But they're warm clothes." I put the sandwich down, I'd eaten a few bites. 

Surely that was good enough. 

Dean's lips pressed into a thin line as he looked at the sandwich but he turned back to me. 

"They're just clothes you won't really miss from your dresser. Just spare clothes." He shrugged. "Nothin' special about them. I promise." 

I nodded slowly. "It sounds stupid now." 

Dean sighed and turned to Sam in the car, holding up two fingers at him. 

Dean cleared his throat. 

"The snacks are just to get you to friggin' eat something. After-After yesterday." Dean bit his lip and ran a hand through his hair. "I just hate the thought that you're going hungry, man. So until your grace is back you're eating properly. Okay?" 

"Alright, Dean." I stared at the sandwich on the trunk. 

"You can leave that if you don't want it. It'll probably be warm by now. But when we get to Jody's. Full plate at dinner, got it?" 

"Got it." 

Dean nodded at me before giving me a quick hug, even quicker was the kiss in my hair. 

But I relaxed regardless of the length of the contact. 

"Thank you, Dean." 

Dean smiled back with pink cheeks. 

"C'mon, we'll be there for three if we hurry." 

I slid back into the car and smiled apologetically at Sam who clearly didn't know what was happening. 

I felt bad that I thought he would send me away again. 

Sam said he wouldn't do that and I should believe him. 

I should believe them both.

* * *

Dean was holding my hand under the table. 

Our hands were resting on my knee under the table. 

I could barely focus on my food. 

All I could focus on was his hand in mine. 

It seemed to be a secret. 

Sam and Jody were talking away over dinner. 

But Dean and I were both quiet, eating in silence. 

But every now and then he would squeeze my hand and smile at me. 

I'd smile back. 

Jody wanted to talk to me after dinner and was getting Sam and Dean to clean up which they both complained about at first but were soon having jokes with Jody about it. 

I'd offered to help, I was good at cleaning after working at the Gas'n'Sip but Jody insisted that it was just them. 

I wanted dinner to last even longer. 

But it didn't. 

Soon Dean was letting go of my hand and standing up to help Sam clear away and Jody was leading me out of the dining room and outside to her porch, sitting on the steps. 

"So." She started, but she didn't continue. 

"So?" I asked. 

Jody sighed with a smile. "How about we start small? You and Dean finally talked about things, huh?"

"Why does everyone say finally?" I tilted my head. 

Jody broke into a grin, laughing. "I guess it was so obvious to everyone apart from the two of you." 

I rolled my eyes. "Sam said that." 

"Me and Sam have had some lengthy late night phone calls about it for a couple years now." She laughed. 

I frowned. "Great." 

"Nothing bad, don't worry. I'm over the moon for you both." 

I nodded quickly. "It's good now." 

"Uh huh." She controlled her face but there was still a hint of a smile there. "So how'd it happen? Sam's the one who told me, Dean wasn't man enough to call me himself." She rolled her eyes. 

"Uh-when you were at the bunker I think. That's when we uh-first kissed I guess." 

Jody raised her eyebrows. "And you didn't tell me?" She lightly elbowed me. 

I shook my head. "It was very confusing." 

"Are you less confused about it now?"

I nodded. 

"How is it?" 

"How's what?" I asked, confused.

"Is he making you feel better about everything or is it just making everything harder? I know Sam was worried about that." 

"He makes me feel better." I muttered, staring at my feet on the ground. 

"Are you blushing, Castiel?" She teased. 

I rolled my eyes. "I should go and help them clean up." 

Jody caught my arm and made sure I stayed sat on the steps with her. "Oh no y'don't." 

I sighed. 

"Sorry but embarrassing Mom talks is kinda what you get around here." 

"Mom talks?" I raised an eyebrow. 

I don't have a mother. 

And I was extremely older than Jody Mills. 

She wasn't Sam and Dean's mother either. 

"It's-" Jody sighed. "It doesn't matter. Look, you're one of my boys now so like it or not you gotta spill, even if it's the stuff that makes you blush." 

"Sounds great." I huffed. 

Jody chuckled. "He treating you right? I'll kick his ass if he isn't." 

"Everything's good." I assured her. 

"It's like pulling teeth to get details outta either of you, damn." 

I smirked. "We went on a date the other day." 

Jody raised her eyebrows. "What did you do?" 

"We had lunch at the diner and saw a movie." I missed out the part about having an episode afterwards, she didn't need to know about that. 

"And?" She carried on grinning. 

"It was a superhero movie, the x-men." I nodded. "I don't like liquorice." I tried to give her more details than I usually would. 

"No one but Dean likes liquorice." She chuckled. 

That hardly seemed accurate. 

If only Dean liked it then why would they be selling it all over the world? 

"Dean didn't like it when I opened the door for him." I smiled at the memory of how pink he'd gone when I did. 

Jody grinned. "Let me guess, tomato red?" She tapped on her cheeks. 

I grinned back. "Yeah, exactly." 

"He open any doors for you?" 

I nodded. "All of them. He said it's a 'date thing' so I let him. But he does keep on doing it at the bunker too." I realised. 

"He's a sweetheart." Jody looked pleased. "When'd you figure it out then? That you liked him? For a lack of a better word." She chuckled. 

I scrunched my eyebrows. "I've always liked Dean?" 

"I meant in _that_ way." She explained.

"Oh." I nodded. "After the Rit Zien case." 

"What made you figure it out?" 

"I uh-I was at work after the case and Nora, she was asking why I wasn't smiling and I blamed it on my wrist being broken but she-I suppose she saw through me and she said I should talk to Dean about whatever was upsetting me but-" I sighed. "I think that I made it worse then because she just assumed that we were in a relationship and started to give me advice." 

"Okay." Jody clearly wanted me to explain more. 

"She said-She said that everyone's got a person that they'd drop everything and take back in a second. I didn't realise she was talking about being in a romantic relationship. I thought that she just meant any kind of relationship. But then she-uh-she said that love is hard and I wasn't sure what she meant. She said I looked 'spacey' and should go home and eat ice cream." 

"Classic breakup food. Wise woman." Jody smiled. 

I nodded. 

Not that I understood still. "I was going back to the park and thinking about what she said to me and I wasn't sure if she was wrong or not. But then I realised that my-my feelings for Dean have always been different than my feelings for anyone else." I swallowed. 

"Love is hard." Jody nodded, I was thankful that she ignored me talking about the park unlike Sam yesterday. 

I nodded with her in agreement. 

"So, you love him?" She asked. 

"Y-yes?" 

Was that okay? 

Was she going to tell him? 

Maybe it would freak Dean out and he'd want to stop this. 

Please don't tell him. 

Please. 

"That's great, Cas." She grinned and pulled me into an awkwardly positioned hug. 

"It is?" 

"Of course it is." She let go. "He loves you too y'know." 

"How do you know that?" I tried to control the crack in my voice. 

"Because it's so damn obvious." She rolled her eyes. "The way you look at each other. It's real special. Something to hold on to." 

"That's what I plan to do." I nodded. 

I'd hold on to this until Dean told me to let go. 

Jody smiled again. "If you weren't an angel I'd say it was meant to be." 

"Angel's aren't supposed to have any feelings at all." I agreed with her. 

"It seems like all Winchester's do is break the rules so I suppose you fit right in." She winked. 

"I suppose." I nodded. 

"Are you both okay now? Even after yesterday?" 

"I think so." 

We'd talked and hugged. 

We fell asleep together. 

We woke up together.

We had kissed a lot this morning. 

Dean had hugged me and kissed my hair earlier. 

We held hands under the dining table. 

We were okay. 

"Sam called me when Dean came and spoke to you. Told me kinda what happened." 

I nodded. 

"Sounds like you had a rough night." 

"Yeah." 

The speed that the tone of the conversation changed was astonishing but Jody had clearly wanted to talk about this more than Dean and I. 

Maybe she wanted me to open up first. 

I wasn't sure. 

"Does it feel better? Now that they both know?" 

I scrunched my eyebrows. "Kind of. I feel better because I don't have any secrets." 

"But?" Jody asked. 

"My chest still aches and hurts. It's not feeling any better." I swallowed. 

Jody nodded. "It won't, Cas." 

"But you said it would be better when they knew." I looked over at her, not being able to help that I was scowling. 

Jody sighed. "I didn't mean it would all go away. I explained it was grief. Grief doesn't just go away, Cas. It's part of who you are now." 

I didn't _want_ it to be part of who I was. 

No.

"So it'll be like this forever?" I picked at a loose thread on my sleeve. 

"Not exactly. Telling Sam and Dean is the first step to getting better." 

"What's the second?" I asked quickly. 

"You gotta accept their help with it." 

"I do that already." I defended. 

She shook her head. "Have you told them about it hurting in your chest?" 

"Kind of." I thought back to the half asleep conversation I'd had with Dean. 

_"W-why do you do it, Cas? Why do you h-hurt yourself?"_

_"Feels better than my chest."_

_"What do you mean your chest?"_

_"The hole."_

_"I got you, Cas. We're gonna figure all of this out."_

I hadn't mentioned it since then and Dean hadn't brought it up either but at least I'd told him a little. 

"Maybe you should start with that-"

"They'll think I'm crazy again." I shook my head. "I know it's not real. I know it's not really there but it just feels like it is." 

"What does it feel like?" She asked. 

"A big hole." I put my hand over it, not that my hand covered the hole anymore. 

Jody had a thoughtful look on her face before she started speaking. "They won't think that. I'll set them straight if they do." 

"I know how it sounds." I pursed my lips. "It just aches and twists so much, it almost feels like it's really there." 

"Is it during your episodes and bad days?" She asked. 

"All the time." I swallowed. 

Was that more crazy? 

Jody didn't react, she just nodded again. "Is there anything that helps it?" 

"Dean helps sometimes." I chewed on the inside of my cheek, I couldn't tell her that it was physical contact that helped, she would think I was weird. "It's sometimes not that bad just-it hurts more when it's a bad day or an episode." 

"How does he help?" 

I sighed, I knew how pathetic it sounded. "Holding my hand or hugging I suppose. I know it sounds pathetic." I glared at my feet again. 

"It's not pathetic." Jody argued. "Maybe tell him that, just so he knows what to do if your chest starts to hurt more than normal." 

I nodded. 

I would probably not tell him that. 

It was embarrassing enough telling Jody. 

Dean would probably laugh if I told him I needed him to hold my hand so the fake hole in my chest stopped aching. 

_Ache_

I rolled my eyes at the irony of my chest. 

"I'm proud of you, Castiel." Jody said suddenly, taking me by surprise. 

"Why?" I tilted my head at her. 

"You stood up for yourself. You told them. That must of been terrifying." 

I nodded. 

"But you did it anyway. I'm super proud." She wrapped me in a one armed hug. 

"Th-thank you." I swallowed. 

"Anytime. Now, how about we get the pie outta the oven before Dean throws a bitch fit?" 

I felt myself laugh as I stood up. "Okay." 

* * *

Dean hadn't stopped blushing since we'd been kicked into one of the spare bedrooms. 

He told Jody that we would take the couches and Sam could sleep in the spare bedroom but Jody didn't take that as an answer and pretty much shoved us both into the room whilst Sam was holding a hand over his face laughing behind her. 

"What's wrong?" I asked. "I thought you get a bad back when you sleep on couches." 

"I'm not that old." Dean huffed, pulling his shirt off. 

"Then what is it?" 

"Nothing. It doesn't matter." He slid under the covers once he was down to just his boxers. "Hurry up, I'm gonna fall asleep without you." His frown suddenly turned into a smile and a wink. 

I smiled back as I stripped down to my boxers and got under the covers with Dean. 

I was confused on how we should sleep tonight but Dean seemed to decide for me as his hand snaked over my waist, tucking me into his side, his chin slotting itself behind my shoulder. 

"How was your talk with Jody?" He asked. 

"I thought you were going to fall asleep?" I muttered. 

Dean smiled and kissed my bare shoulder. 

"It was okay." I moved my hand to rest over his on my waist. 

Dean hummed. "Jody's great huh?" 

I nodded and twisted around so I was facing him, my hand going to his hair. 

I wanted to kiss him. 

Just like this morning. 

But we didn't kiss much more than once a day. 

It was rare. 

But it wasn't like it was a scheduled thing. 

That would be crazy. 

Dean closed the distance for me, smiling lazily as we kissed. 

"If you wanna kiss you just gotta do it, baby." Dean mumbled against my cheek before kissing me again, his hand tracing the tattoo on my ribs. 

"But sometimes you might not want to." I worried. 

"Believe me, when I'm here with you like this. I always want to." 

"So when we're in bed?" I asked. 

Dean nodded. "Especially when we're in bed." 

I smiled and leaned forwards, kissing him softly. 

"That's it." Dean smiled with his eyes closed, pulling me closer. 

But what would happen when I did get my grace back and no longer needed to sleep every night? 

I wouldn't need to be in bed with Dean anymore. 

Dean managed to shake that thought out of my head as he deepened the kiss. 

The fire was back. 

I was impossibly warm and safe with Dean wrapped around me. 

It was simply bliss. 

"We should probably get some sleep." Dean chuckled against my lips after a few minutes. 

I kissed him one more time before turning back around to lay like we were before. 

"Goodnight, Dean." 

"Night, Cas." Dean sighed and pulled me closer. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey dudes  
> how'd you find it?   
> thought it was important for cas to notice dean not being affectionate in public but obviously not understand properly so i hope that came through for you all okay.   
> see you in the next chapter which should be in the next few days  
> lotta love and stay safe   
> C


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys  
> sorry it's been a few days  
> I've been back at work so it's all been a little crazy ahaha  
> thank you all for your comments  
> big thank you to Dean_o_Dorito for making some art for this fic, honestly I was over the moon when I read that comment and I highly suggest you all check them out as the art they make is honestly just great. https://twitter.com/_Akarist/status/1273072338393878535?s=19 < here's the link. I'll definitely be using this art in an upcoming chapter, i'm so happy  
> i really hope you enjoy this chapter.  
> lotta love  
> C

**Castiel's POV**

I wasn't used to dreaming yet. 

Whenever I did remember my dreams they were usually nightmares. 

I rarely remembered the good dreams. 

They were very rare or maybe I just didn't remember them. 

But this was definitely a good dream. 

More of a memory really. 

But it was such a good dream that I almost didn't want it to end. 

**_"Cas, just check that page in Dad's journal you were talking about earlier would ya?" Dean asked._ **

**_He seemed to of had an idea about the case we were working._ **

**_I nodded and pulled the journal out of his bag and walked to the table that he and Sam were sat at, turning to the page to the small paragraph John Winchester had written about something called 'a freaky witch vamp', I'd had no idea what he'd meant when I'd asked Dean earlier and neither did Dean. Neither did Sam._ **

**_"Here." I pointed to the paragraph._ **

**_Both Sam and Dean leaned over to read, both of them mumbling the words to themselves._ **

**_"I think this could be it." Dean looked up and grinned._ **

**_"But it barely says what it is?" I tilted my head._ **

**_Dean carried on smiling whilst Sam started typing again on his laptop, for the first time in hours actually smiling._ **

**_"Dad wasn't the most social guy in the world, Cas. When he didn't know what something was he'd just make up a weird ass name for it and hope he found it again. I think we've found it again."_ **

**_"He says he killed it by decapitating it and then burning it." I scrunched my eyebrows as I reread the paragraph._ **

**_"That does qualify as a freaky witch vamp." Sam chuckled._ **

**_"I guess." I agreed. "But the 'MO' is different."_ **

**_"Only different in one way." Sam mumbled and looked back to me. "All the last vics were loaded so the freaky witch vamp had to make it look like a normal accident. All these vics have been found in the woods and they're all people who someone would think wouldn't be found or missed much."_ **

**_"I see." I nodded. "So how would we find it?"_ **

**_"Got it." Sam grinned and turned the laptop to Dean and I._ **

**_Dean grinned back and stood up, clapping me on the back._ **

**_"Let's go kill this son of a bitch."_ **

**_Sam and I both stood and followed him to the car to get the flame thrower and machetes._ **

**_I had a good feeling about this._ **

**_Soon enough we were walking through the woods as if we were trying to be quiet and not attract any attention but we were poor at it._ **

**_Dean motioned with his hands for me to go with Sam more to the left._ **

_**Finally I heard rustling and a growl that was definitely not human or animal.** _

**_I nudged Sam and nodded towards the trees in the distance._ **

**_Sam pretended to cough twice which sent Dean 'stumbling' towards us 'complaining' about how lost we were._ **

**_The monster (the freaky witch vamp) clearly didn't realise it was all a ruse and growled again, nearing us._ **

**_I tried not to look straight at it so it didn't know I could see but I saw the general shape._ **

**_It was big and it was angry, stepping closer._ **

**_Dean finally arrived and stood in between Sam and I as we carried on walking through the woods._ **

**_The monster went in for the kill, assuming because I was the smallest it went for me._ **

**_I did as Dean had told me to do and let it drag me away, screaming._ **

**_It felt almost childish but I did it anyway._ **

**_Sam and Dean were running after the monster and I who was growling and salivating all over my skin._ **

**_When Sam and Dean were close enough I pushed the monster off my chest and pulled my machete out, cutting its head off._ **

**_"Cas, move." Dean ordered._ **

**_I rolled away from the body, keeping the head in my hand whilst Dean set the body on fire._ **

**_Sam reached me and pulled me up, grimacing at the head in my hand._ **

**_"Nice job." He smiled and nodded at me to put the head on the ground so he could set it alight._ **

**_"Go team." Dean chuckled as he came over to us._ **

**_I smiled back, feeling warm even though we were in the middle of the forest in the night._ **

Maybe my ideas of good dreams were strange. 

But it felt so good to remember what life was like just a few months ago before the hole in my chest opened up again. 

It sometimes seemed like I was always this way, it was nice to be reminded that I wasn't. 

"Why are you thinking so hard this early?" Dean mumbled from next to me. 

"I had a really good dream." I explained. 

"Oh yeah?" Dean raised his eyebrow. "Was I in it?" He smirked. 

"Yeah, and Sam." 

Dean's smirk fell as he rolled his eyes. "What was it then?" 

"Do you remember the case we did a few months ago, with the 'freaky witch vamp'?" I asked. 

Dean grimaced. "Yeah, I remember us holed up in that motel for hours with nothing to go on for some freak who drains someone but has no teeth marks."

I shook my head. "I wasn't dreaming about that part. I was dreaming about when we found out what it was and then we killed it. We stopped the people in that town from getting hurt again." 

Dean smiled. "Yeah, I guess we did. C'mon, I'll bet Jody's cooking breakfast." Dean pulled himself out of bed and shrugged his jeans and a new t-shirt on. 

I followed suit and let him lead me out of the bedroom. 

Dean was right, Jody was cooking breakfast. 

Sam by her side, laughing at something Jody had said. 

"Morning you two." Jody smiled. "Have you cheered up yet, grumpy?" She teased Dean. 

Dean rolled his eyes. "Yeah yeah, whatever." 

Jody laughed and handed us both a coffee each. 

The breakfast went by without anything going wrong. 

Sam was still laughing at whatever Jody had said before Dean and I arrived. 

Jody was talking to Dean about a spike in car thefts in the area and Dean had started watching his car through the window out of the corner of his eye which I found funny. 

But the dream wouldn't leave my head. 

The case kept on replaying and replaying. 

When was the last time that I'd even worked a case? 

When was the last time that Sam and Dean had? 

It had been the vampire case about a week. 

But before then? 

Their last case was weeks before then. 

And mine must of been even longer. 

I waited for a break in the conversation before I started speaking, I waited for Dean to have a mouthful of food too so he could think before he said no. 

"I want to work a case." I watched each of their reactions. 

Dean's hand tightened on mine under the table and his eyebrows shot up. 

Sam also raised his eyebrows but he looked thoughtful, if a little pessimistically thoughtful.

Jody smiled.

Interesting.

"What?" Dean said through his mouthful of food. 

"Were you raised in a damn barn? Wait until you've swallowed." Jody waved him off. "Why'd you wanna work a case, Cas?" 

"I was thinking that it's uh-it's been so long since we all worked cases and that's our jobs. It's what we're supposed to do." 

Jody kept her smile. 

Sam looked a little less pessimistic and a little less surprised. 

Dean still looked like he was about to say no as soon as he finished chewing. 

"I'll start small. It doesn't have to be a big one. But I want to do one." I tried to sound as confident as I could. 

Dean respects it when you try like that. 

"I think it's a good idea, Cas. I'd be happy to bring you along to the next one that I come across." Jody smiled. 

"No." Dean finally swallowed his food. "Not yet, Cas." 

"Why?" I turned to him, searching his face. 

There was a little anger but mostly his face was just full of fear. 

"I already told you, hunting's cancelled until we get you better. The vamp nest was just because Jody needed us.End of conversation." 

I pulled my hand away from his under the table and crossed my arms. "That's not how conversations work. Even I know that." 

"Cas, Dean's got a point. I want to start hunting again but not until you're okay." Sam pursed his lips. "I get it, I understand that you wanna get out there and help but you've gotta help yourself first." 

"How can I help myself if I don't know what's making me like this?" I sighed. "I remember the feeling that we get when we finish a case and the monster's dead and the people in that town are safe again. I want that feeling again." 

Sam's face softened and it started to match Jody's. "But what if something happens?" 

"Then I'll stay in the motel and let you and Dean deal with it. I promise I'll tell you if anything goes wrong." I nodded. 

Sam looked like he was considering it and turned to Dean who had a face like thunder. 

"No." 

"But-" I tried. 

"Cas, I said no." Dean huffed. "Say we do that and you have an episode or something. You'd need one of us with you so then the other one would have to gank the monster. And what if something goes wrong there?" 

"I would be okay on my own." I defended. 

Dean scoffed. 

I scowled back. "Everything about these past few weeks has been about me and about me getting better. I'm not getting better. I miss helping people, Dean. I know you do too." 

Dean couldn't argue with that. 

But he tried. 

"You are gonna get better." 

I rolled my eyes. "Just please. Let me try. I need to help people." 

"If you don't take him out on a case, I will." Jody raised an eyebrow at Dean. 

Dean's jaw set. 

"We'll talk about this later." 

I shook my head. "That just means you'll say no as soon as we get back to the bunker." 

Sam smirked. "C'mon Dean, I bet we can find a simple case in no time. It'll be a milk run." 

"But-" Dean started. 

"I'll come too. Four of us on a milk run case. Nothing could go wrong." 

"You have work." Dean tried. 

"If you find a case, call me and I'll get a couple days off. I'm the sheriff, comes with perks." She winked at me. 

I smiled back. 

This was working. 

Dean let out a big sigh. "One thing goes wrong. And I mean one thing, Castiel. We're going home." 

"Fine." I uncrossed my arms and smiled to myself. 

Sam and Jody chuckled. 

Dean still didn't seem happy about the idea but it was three against one. 

After breakfast was finished with Sam and I headed to the living room to look for cases whilst Dean and Jody cleared up. 

"What kinda thing are you thinking, Cas? Salt'n'Burn? Rogue vamp? Werewolf?" Sam opened up his laptop. 

I shrugged. "Whatever you think will have the least chance of going wrong." 

Sam nodded and started typing into his laptop. "Y'know Dean's just trying to look out for you, he doesn't think you can't do it." 

"I know." I nodded, chewing the inside of my cheek.

"He's gonna be on your case, hard. So just prepare yourself I guess." 

I tilted my head. 

On my case? 

"He's gonna be hard on you." Sam explained. "Questioning everything you do, that kinda thing. He's been like that with me a few times. Just don't give up." 

"I won't." I swallowed. 

Sam smiled and clicked a few more times on his laptop. 

"What about this one?" He turned the laptop to me. "Seems pretty cut and dry." 

I took the laptop and scrolled down the page. 

Two murders in the same office. 

All after hours when the victims were working late. 

Nothing on the CCTV. 

"Will it be a salt and burn?" I asked. 

Sam nodded. "Seems so. Both vics are managers and haven't got many people saying nice things about them. Also get this, the last person to die there was this guy George Hawlty, he 'fell' out of the tenth story window." 

"You think it's 'foul play'?" 

"Exactly.It's only in Montana too so Jody won't need to take long off work." 

"Do you think Dean will change his mind?" I asked. 

Sam sighed. "Even if he does, I'll take you out. I get it, Cas. And sitting around waiting to get better clearly isn't working for you. So let's do what we do best." 

I grinned. "Thank you, Sam." 

"Welcome." He smiled back as Jody and Dean came into the room. 

"We found a case." I held the laptop to them both. 

Dean sighed and sat down beside Sam, taking the laptop with an irritated look. 

"Ghost?" Jody asked, sitting beside him, looking over his shoulder. 

"Seven hour drive to Broadus." Dean muttered. 

"I'll let my deputy know." Jody nodded at me and pulled her phone out, calling her deputy I presumed.

"Cas-" Dean started. 

I sighed. 

"Can I talk to you a sec?" He asked. 

I nodded and followed him back to the spare bedroom. 

Sam and Jody had both promised they'd let me do this case. 

But if Dean really didn't want me to I couldn't just go against him. 

"You really wanna do this, huh?" He asked once he'd shut the door. 

I nodded. 

"Why?" 

"Because I want to help, Dean. I told you that." 

"I know you wanna help people. I understand that, okay? You know I do. But what about helping yourself?" 

"If it were you who was broken you'd still be hunting." I pointed out. 

Dean scowled. "That's different." 

I shook my head. "Dean, I need to do this. I wanna feel like I'm doing good again. Please?" 

"You're doing good." He argued. 

"No, I'm not. I haven't been to the soup kitchen in over a week. I haven't helped the people that sleep outside in longer. I've not worked a case with you and Sam for weeks and weeks. I've only been making you and Sam upset. I've done nothing good, Dean." 

Dean bit his lip. "You've not just been upsetting us. You've been making us real happy too. And there was the vamp nest just last week." 

"It's not enough." I shook my head. "And just doing one case in a matter of weeks doesn't count as hunting, Dean." 

"I know." Dean ran a hand through his hair. "I hate that you're a good person." 

I rolled my eyes at his compliment. 

"I mean it, Cas." He caught my eyes and held me there. 

I felt myself smiling. 

"So I can work the case?" 

He nodded slowly. "Yeah, all four of us we should be done in no time." 

I smiled wider. 

"Thank you." 

"Just promise me something?" 

"What is it?" I asked. 

"If one of us gets hurt and it's non life threatening. No using your mojo."

"I don't think I could if I tried." I admitted. 

"What d'you mean?" He asked. 

I shrugged. "It's just-I haven't felt it in a few days. I checked last night before we went to sleep and I still couldn't feel it." 

Dean scrunched his eyebrows. "Maybe it's still hiding. We can hang back on the case until it's back if you want?" 

"And let more people get hurt?" I raised an eyebrow at him. 

Dean chuckled. "Yeah, guess not. Another thing." 

"I haven't promised the first thing yet." I reminded him.

Dean laughed and shook his head. "Go on then." 

"I promise." I nodded. 

"Okay, good. Next thing. You gotta tell me whatever's happening in your head okay. When I ask you gotta tell me, no playing it down like it's not a big deal. Nothing like that." 

"But if I do that then you'll just take me back to the bunker." I argued. 

Dean pursed his lips. "I won't. Unless it's really bad or an episode I promise I won't. But you gotta tell me if it's one of those. I can't have you working a case and feeling like that. It's tempting fate for something bad to happen. You understand?" 

I nodded slowly. 

He did have a point. 

I just prayed that I didn't have an episode or a really bad day. 

Dean smiled and pulled me into him for a kiss. 

I leaned into him and felt myself smiling as he kissed me. 

"You're kinda supposed to kiss me back." He chuckled. 

"Can't stop smiling." I tried to stop again but the smile came back. 

Dean laughed against my lips. "That's a good excuse." 

"I thought so." I agreed. 

Dean kissed me again before smiling at me, leading me back out of the bedroom. 

"So?" Sam asked. 

Both him and Jody were looking at us. 

"Dean says we can go." I smiled. 

They both grinned and stood up. 

"Let's get on the road then." Sam walked past Dean and I, clapping Dean on the shoulder as he passed. 

"Who's driving with me?" Jody asked. 

"I will." I offered. 

Sam did say that Dean would be hard on me and I knew how suffocating it could be when Dean got like that, it would be best to minimise it. 

Jody nodded. "You boys go ahead, I'll pack myself a bag." 

"I'll call when we figure out a motel to stay at, Jody." Dean nodded at us both and followed Sam out of the door. 

"How'd you convince him then?" Jody asked with a smirk, heading to her bedroom. 

"I just told him I wanted to help." I shrugged and followed her, watching as she pulled weapons from various hiding places. 

I didn't think we would need all of this for a vengeful spirit but she was an expert after all. 

Maybe I'd just never really noticed before. 

"I think this'll be good for you." Jody pursed her lips as she folded her clothes into the bag. "It'll show those two that you're not as breakable as they seem to think." 

I nodded. "That's what I've been trying to tell them." 

"They're overprotective. We're all guilty of that." She sighed and zipped up her bag, slinging it onto her shoulder. "Let's go." 

* * *

Sam was right. 

Dean was being ridiculous for the entire hunt. 

He made me do everything. 

I had to figure everything out on my own, he wouldn't let Sam or Jody help. 

Everything had to be just me so I could prove that I could do it. 

I bit my tongue a few times to keep from arguing with him in the middle of interviewing the families of the victims. 

He never let up either. 

Even when we were digging up the grave. 

I thought that since I'd done everything else that he would at least have all four of us in the grave but instead the three of them were all out of the grave 'keeping watch' whilst I dug. 

"Gonna have to go faster than that, Cas. It'll be light in five hours." 

I scowled up at him. 

"We'll be done in an hour if I get in there and help." Sam huffed. 

"No."

I groaned but carried on digging. 

**And you thought he actually likes you**

I shook my head and carried on, ignoring how my muscles were aching. 

Where was my grace when I needed it? 

**He's using you**

I'm helping.

I'm helping. 

I'm helping. 

Because of me digging this grave no one else in this town will get hurt or killed by this vengeful spirit. 

I'm helping other people. 

I felt something touch my shoulder and flinched hard out of my thoughts. 

Dean chuckled, handing me the water bottle he'd pressed to my shoulder. 

"Drink up." 

"My hands are full of grave yard dirt." I grimaced. 

Dean rolled his eyes but unscrewed the water bottle and handed it back. 

I accepted it and drank. 

"Better?" He asked, taking back the bottle and replacing the lid, wiping away the dirt on the sides of the bottle. 

I nodded and picked up the shovel again. 

Eventually I got to the coffin, Sam pulled me out of the grave. 

I was surprised Dean didn't expect me to just climb out myself. 

"You know what to do now?" He asked. 

"Salt and burn." I nodded. 

"And?" 

Jody passed me the can of salt with an eye roll at Dean. 

She'd been rolling her eyes for the full two days we'd been here. 

I tilted my head. 

It was called a 'Salt'n'Burn', what else could I be missing? 

"Think, Cas." Dean sighed. 

I scrunched my eyebrows and tried. 

"I shake salt over the coffin and then set the matches on fire and throw them." I thought out loud. 

Sam tried mouthing something to me but it was too dark to make out what he was trying to say. 

If my grace wasn't hiding still I'd be able to see perfectly. 

I huffed. 

"How's it gonna set on fire?" Dean raised an eyebrow. 

I scowled at myself.

Lighter fluid. 

Obviously. 

It was right beside me on the ground. 

How had I missed that. 

"Salt, lighter fluid and then light it on fire?" I checked. 

"And then what?" 

"There's nothing after that." I argued. 

He was just trying to catch me out now I was sure. 

"So you're just gonna leave the grave like this?"

I rolled my eyes. 

"Obviously not." 

"So what next?" He asked. 

I groaned at him being this irritating. 

"I'll put all the dirt and soil back over the grave and take our things back to the car." 

"And then?" 

"Seriously?" I growled. 

I heard Dean chuckle. "And then we have a beer. Sound good?" 

Getting into a shower seemed like the best idea right now, not a beer. 

I shrugged and started shaking the salt over the grave, making sure I covered all of the corpse in salt. 

Jody took the salt back and handed me the lighter fluid. 

The fire lit all of our faces up, the three of them were still clean and tidy. 

Looking down at myself I was covered in dirt and I must smell like the grave too. 

None of them mentioned anything. 

But the state that I must be in compared to the three of them made me feel itchy, like I wanted to rip my skin off. 

I wanted this to be over and to be clean again desperately. 

The fire eventually went down so I got back into the grave and shut the lid, Sam pulled me up again. 

I almost expected one of them to help me shovel the dirt back on but of course Dean stopped them. 

I tried to not let it play on my mind or my chest. 

He wouldn't be like this on the next case. 

The feeling of stopping a monster from hurting people was almost there. 

I felt it properly once I'd finished patting down the dirt on the grave. 

This spirit would no longer be hurting anyone. 

I'd done that. 

I'd stopped him from causing any more harm. 

I'd helped. 

The smile was still on my face when I got into the shower, watching all of the dirt go down the drain.

I could feel the cold and the smell of the graveyard being stripped away by the hot motel water. 

My clothes were pretty much ruined by having to dig the grave by myself so Sam had brought me my clothes from the trunk of the impala. 

Dean congratulated me on doing my first case and I wanted to have the beer that he had ready for me with him, Sam and Jody at the table but my eyes were already drooping whilst I was stood up talking to him.

Instead I opted for getting into the scratchy motel bed and falling asleep instantly. 

Not before hearing the three of them chuckling though. 

_"He did good."_

_"Don't you think you were a little harsh on him? I mean one of us could of helped him with the grave."_

_"Sam's right. He's gonna be feeling that for days."_

_"I gave him water. He's tough. He'll be fine."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey dudes  
> hope you enjoyed  
> let me know what you thought  
> new chapter should be up in a few days  
> lotta love and stay safe  
> C


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys  
> thank you for all your comments and kudos as usual, i can't believe that i've got over 4000 hits.  
> that's crazy, i'm so happy that you're all enjoying this so much  
> lotta love  
> c

**Castiel's POV**

I almost felt like a child keeping track of my good days and my bad days. 

I'd seen a child on a TV show having a chart on the refrigerator door with stickers. 

Thankfully I wasn't keeping a physical record of it. 

But I knew what had happened for a week now. 

_Thursday : Really bad day. Told Sam and Dean about sleeping outside_

_Friday: All over the place day but overall okay. Went to Jody's house for dinner._

_Saturday: Good day. Convinced Sam, Dean and Jody to let me work a case._

_Sunday: Okay day. Working the case. Dean was irritating but it was still good to be around everyone._

_Monday: Good day. Finished the case and dug the grave. Dean was irritating again but I slept for a very long time after digging the grave._

_Tuesday: Bad day. Drove back to the bunker with Dean and Sam but the hole in my chest wouldn't stop aching no matter what I did. I hid it well though._

_Wednesday: Okay day. Sam and I went out with Jerry to walk the dogs at the park._

Now it was Thursday. 

Technically I am the angel of Thursday. 

It should be _my_ day to have a really good day. 

But the past few Thursdays haven't been good at all. 

Especially the most recent one. 

Maybe I could change the pattern around this week? 

I could do that. 

I might try and convince Dean that we should work another case. 

No. 

Maybe not. 

I didn't like the idea of neglecting the people who slept outside just so I could feel good when there were plenty of other hunters who could take cases.

I would make sure that they were okay first. 

Then I would go about asking Sam and Dean if we could find another case.

The soup kitchen seemed like a good idea today. 

I decided to bring it up early to Sam and Dean so I wouldn't 'get my hopes up' in case they said no. 

Not that they _should_ say no. 

Dean was already out of bed and not in my room. 

Was it our room now? 

How did that work?

Sam however was clicking away at his laptop in the library. 

"Mornin' Cas." He grinned. "Coffee's pretty fresh." He nodded towards the kitchen. 

I smiled back and headed into the kitchen to get a cup. 

"Where's Dean?" I asked when I sat down. 

"He said something about tuning the impala up." He shrugged.

I nodded. "Are you looking for a case?" 

Sam pursed his lips. "Not really. Why? Do you wanna do another?" 

"Not today. I need to go to the soup kitchen today if that's alright?" I decided that I would ask instead of just telling him that I was going. 

He would be more likely to be okay with it if I asked. 

"Oh crap it's Thursday isn't it?" He rolled his eyes. "Yeah course you can go. Wanna do anything before you go?"

"Like what?" I tilted my head. 

He shrugged. "Whatever you want." 

I scrunched my eyebrows and thought. 

We'd walked the dogs together yesterday and that was my suggestion, surely it wasn't my turn to pick again. 

"I think you should choose." I sat beside him and sipped at my coffee, grimacing at the unusual flavour.

"Not to your taste?" He quirked his eyebrow up.

I shook my head. "It's fine." I lied. 

Sam chuckled and rolled his eyes. "It's the normal stuff we get. Are you feeling okay?" 

"I'm fine." I huffed and sipped the coffee again. 

Still the strange flavour. 

"Dude, you don't have to prove a point." He laughed and took my cup. "Tastes fine to me. Maybe you're getting a cold or something." 

A shiver ran through my spine at the same time that a tear went through my chest. 

_It's the cold. Rattles your lungs._

I'd been sick before. 

This wasn't the same. 

It was just coffee tasting strange. 

Nothing like that. 

"Cas?" Sam looked concerned. 

"I'm not sick." I defended. 

Sam held his hands up. "Just a suggestion, man. I'm sure you're as healthy as they come." 

"I am." I glowered at my coffee in his hands. 

I usually enjoyed coffee so much. 

What was wrong with me?

"What did it taste like?" Sam asked. 

"Molecules." I huffed.

Sam was about to say something but stopped quickly.

"What?" I rolled my eyes. 

Why was he staring at me with that grin on his face? 

All I said was that my coffee tasted like mole-

Oh. 

_Oh._

I controlled my face as I searched around for my grace. 

It was faint and weak. 

But it was so much stronger than it had been since the vampire case. 

I hadn't expected it to return for much longer. 

After using it to heal Dean almost two weeks ago _and_ having an episode and more bad days than good I expected it to be at the very least another week or so until I felt it again. 

"Is it-" Sam's smile was faltering slightly. 

I nodded slowly. "It's back." 

Sam suddenly clapped me on the shoulder and his grin returned. "Bet that feels good huh?" 

"You have no idea." I sighed contently, letting my grace swim around my body. 

Sam carried on smiling as he carried on tapping on his laptop. 

"I'm gonna tell Dean." 

Sam nodded and waved as I stood up. 

It was difficult to get Dean's attention with the music blasting as loud as it was but eventually after shouting his name three times I went over and tapped him on the shoulder. 

Dean jolted and almost threw a wrench at my head. 

"Jesus Christ!" He yelled, throwing the wrench on the floor. "Do I need to get a bell on you?" 

I smirked and turned down the radio that his music was coming from. "I did shout." 

"I tried waking you up when I got up but you weren't having any of it." He chuckled and pulled me to lean against him, getting grease stains on my t-shirt. 

"I'm not tired now." I offered. 

"I can see that. Coffee break?" He asked. 

I shook my head. 

"Are you sick?" He held a hand to my forehead with a smirk, faking checking my temperature. 

I rolled my eyes and pulled his hand away. "No. Definitely not. I had a coffee with Sam already." 

"Wanna help me out then? I could use an extra pair of eyes." He muttered as he nodded to the impala's engine. 

"I need to tell you something first." I mumbled back. 

I was wary of his reaction after one of the other times that I felt my grace again. 

But he'd assured me then that he wasn't actually angry with me. 

But I was still unsure what it was that made him so angry for that week or so. 

Then again there had been plenty of times since then that my grace had improved and he was happy about it. 

I'd need to say this carefully. 

"What's up?" He pulled his eyes away from the impala and searched my face. 

"Uh- so-It's nothing bad-Just, can you promise that you won't get angry?" 

Dean's eyebrows furrowed as he frowned. "Why would I get mad? Cas what's up?"

I shrugged. "I don't know if you will but-Just promise?" 

"I can't promise but I'll try okay? Depends what it is." He sighed and folded his arms, leaning against the impala now. 

I nodded quickly. 

That seemed fair.

"I was-I was having coffee with Sam but the coffee didn't taste right-"

"It's not Sam's fancy shit right?" 

I shook my head. "The normal one." 

"Right.." Dean looked more confused than ever. 

"It didn't taste right to me but Sam said it tasted fine to him. And then I realised what it tasted like and it tasted like uh- molecules and then I checked for my grace and it's coming back, Dean. I can feel it." 

Dean's face became very controlled all of a sudden. 

"Okay." 

"Okay?" I asked. 

"Yeah." He nodded. "Okay." 

"You're not angry?" 

He shook his head and turned back to the impala, fiddling with something in the engine.

"Are you sure?" 

"Yeah, Cas. It's a good thing right? No more eating and sleeping?" 

"I suppose." I tried to swallow the lump in my throat as I studied Dean. 

Something wasn't right. 

"I'll probably need to go to sleep tomorrow. It's still not fully better yet." I tried to explain. 

"Tomorrow." He nodded to himself. 

"I was thinking that tomorrow we could look for a case." I watched his reaction carefully. 

No change.

"So now your mojo's back you just wanna waste it again?" 

I shook my head and frowned. "I was thinking that before I figured out it was back." 

"I thought I was smothering you and was being an ass the other day?" His jaw set as he tightened part of the engine. 

"I'm not upset about that, Dean. I told you that." I swallowed. "Sam said that you do it to him sometimes too." 

Dean rolled his eyes. 

"Are you sure you're okay?" I sighed. 

Dean bit his lip before carrying on with the impala. "Yeah, I'm happy for you. Just-Just be careful with it. Don't waste it." 

"I didn't waste it last time." I set my jaw. 

We'd never really finished the argument after the vampire case. 

I still stood by healing all of Dean's injuries and he didn't. 

"I ain't arguing about this at this time." 

"Fine." I turned to walk out of the garage. 

"No lunch then?" He called after me. 

"No, thank you." 

I heard the music being turned back on as soon as I left. 

There was something not right about that. 

He was hiding something. 

Was he angry? 

Why would he be angry again? 

My chest ached at the thought of Dean not liking that my grace was back. 

Didn't he want me to get better? 

He was always saying that I needed to rest up and get my mojo back. 

He always said that. 

Why when I finally do that he isn't happy about it? 

My chest ached a little more. 

_No_

I would not let this turn into a bad day. 

This was _Thursday._

 _My_ day. 

It had always been my day. 

And I was determined to make it my day again. 

One good thing had happened. 

My grace had resurfaced. 

That was really good. 

If Dean was upset about it then he should tell me. 

Sam was happy about it. 

This day could still be a good one. 

I decided to leave Dean in the garage. 

He seemed like he needed some time alone. 

He didn't seem like he wanted me much today. 

_Twist_

**He-**

That was _okay._

I knew that the people who slept outside would want me. 

"I know what I want to do. You don't have to join if you don't want to." I said as I entered the library. "You might find it tedious." 

Sam gave me a confused look. 

"Before I go to the soup kitchen sometimes I go to thrift stores and get some clothes and some sanitary items for the people that sleep outside. I was thinking of doing that today." 

"Sounds good to me. Dean coming?" 

"I don't think so." 

Sam sighed. "What's up with him?" 

I shrugged. "I think it's best I leave him alone for a few hours." I thought out loud. "My car isn't in the garage anyway." 

Sam nodded. "What about Jerry?" 

"I'll be seeing him at the soup kitchen anyway." 

If Dean was angry it would be best to not spend the entire day with Jerry. 

"Okay. Just let me get changed and I'll meet you outside, man." 

I nodded and headed up the bunker stairs. 

I should probably get changed too since Dean had gotten grease on the hem of my t-shirt but it wasn't that noticeable. 

**Me:** _Sam and I are going out for a few hours. Do you want to come?_

 **Dean:** _I'm good here, have fun._

I swallowed and shoved my phone back in my pocket, waiting silently for Sam. 

_Thursday. It's Thursday. Today should be a good day. Stop ruining it._

"Ready?" Sam's hand came down on my shoulder. 

I nodded and got into my car. 

I'd almost forgotten how being in a car whilst having grace felt. 

It had only been a week but it had been such a _long_ and tiring week. 

It was uncomfortable and restricting. 

But I still enjoyed being in my car and driving down the familiar roads to the thrift stores. 

Granted it was strange to have Sam with me instead of Jerry but it was still okay. 

Sam was talking about the weather and how it looked like it would be raining tonight. 

I disagreed. 

The sky wasn't right for it to rain. 

I remembered when I was human I'd spend a lot of time at night watching the sky and waiting for it to start to rain or start to snow. 

I knew the signs. 

It would be a clear night. 

Cold. 

But clear. 

"So this is what you used to do all day when we didn't know you went to the soup kitchen?" Sam asked as he held up a pair of jeans, checking the knees and the hems.

I nodded as I checked the thick socks I had in my hands. 

Everyone always forgets about socks. 

"That's pretty cool, Cas." Sam smiled. "Can I ask you something?" 

I nodded slowly, making sure I was looking at the clothes in my hands instead of him. 

It was so easy to just tell Sam everything. 

"Did you-Did you go to soup kitchens y'know when you-last year I mean?" He cleared his throat. 

The question caught me off guard. 

He knew I'd been to them before. 

I remembered telling him when I came back to the bunker from April's apartment. 

"I stopped before April killed me." I tilted my head.

"I mean uh-after April." Sam shifted as he picked up more clothing. 

Sam probably had lots and lots of questions like this. 

It wouldn't be fair to not answer them. 

But how to answer without upsetting him? 

And how to answer without the hole in my chest aching? 

It was Thursday. 

It shouldn't be aching today. 

"I went to one." I mused. "That's how I got the job at the Gas'n'Sip." 

"Nora was there?" He guessed. 

I shook my head. "No, the man who ran it. He was called Daniel. He uh-he helped me clean up and shave. He told me how to 'pass' an interview." 

"And then you just went and applied for the job? Like a regular human huh?" Sam smiled. 

I nodded. "I guess." 

"So how many times did you go?" 

"Just once." I tilted my head. 

Had I not just told him that?

Sam raised his eyebrows. "Why didn't you go more?"

"I-I thought that angels might still be after me and I didn't want to put the people who slept outside in danger like I did last time. It was the woman who slept outside that made me go with her. She was very strong for an old woman." I mused. 

Sam picked up more clothes and sorted through them again. 

"Is that why you do this then? Kinda like Daniel did for you?" 

I nodded.

Sam was quiet for the rest of our time in that thrift store, it looked like he was thinking hard about something. 

But he didn't look like he was upset and the hole in my chest wasn't aching much. 

Success. 

It would be a good Thursday. 

I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket. 

**Dean:** _Found a case we can do. Vengeful spirit over in Nebraska, only haunts this house for one night every year. In two days if you're up for it?_

I smiled at my phone. 

It would give me chance to help out at the soup kitchen today and I would have enough time to rest tomorrow. 

**Me:** _Yes_

 **Dean:** _Good, when are you and Sam coming home?_

 **Me:** _Maybe another hour but I'm going back out around six to the soup kitchen_

 **Dean:** _No problem, Cas._

He seemed to be over whatever had upset him earlier and for that I was glad. 

Another reason why Thursday's would be mine again. 

It was all going so well. 

"Next store?" Sam asked as he closed our boxes. 

I nodded and followed him back to my car. 

There were so many great clothes that we found at the second store. 

Most of them were clearly barely worn and seemed like they could of been expensive. 

I recognised some of the logos on the clothes. 

Sam was raising his eyebrows at some of them too.

He kept muttering about how people could spend this much money on clothes and then just throw them out. 

Eventually we were heading back to the bunker, my back seat full of shopping bags and boxes full of clothes. 

It was a good feeling. 

I was being useful again. 

I hadn't been a burden in five days. 

Five days of being useful. 

The hole in my chest was quiet and the smile on my face didn't falter. 

Five days. 

This would be the sixth. 

"You've got some food in the kitchen." Dean nodded at Sam when we came back but then nodded at me to follow him. 

He headed into his room instead of mine which seemed strange but I still went with him. 

"Are you okay?" I asked. 

He nodded and closed the door. "Can I ask you something?" 

I swallowed but nodded back at him. 

If this was another question like Sam's I didn't think that the hole in my chest would behave for a second time today. 

"Your grace is coming back right?" 

"Yeah. It always comes back." 

Dean nodded carefully. "That doesn't mean that you're uh-god this is awkward." 

"What is?" I asked, tilting my head as I noticed his cheeks and ears turning pink. 

"Even though you have your mojo you're still-You're still gonna want this?" He gestured between us both. 

"That's why you were angry?" I forced out. 

He thought that _I_ wouldn't want _him_?

"I wasn't angry." He sighed. "I just-I've wanted this for-for a long ass time, Cas and now I've got it and it's been so crazy this past two weeks. But for-for all of it you've pretty much been human an-and I just-I don't want to lose this because your mojo is back." 

"That's not going to happen." I scrunched my eyebrows. "I don't just lose my emotions when I have my grace. You know that." 

"Yeah. I know but I mean-it's just been nagging at me y'know?" 

I shook my head. "Dean. I still felt this way about you before I fell. Nothing's changed." 

"Sure?" He looked up. 

I could tell that he wanted this conversation to be over soon and I agreed. 

Talking like this was uncomfortable. 

It was vulnerable for us both. 

Being vulnerable wasn't something that was encouraged in Heaven and my time as a human I was vulnerable for all of it. 

Even though this was nowhere near the vulnerability I felt then, it still wasn't ideal.

I nodded quickly. "Of course." 

Dean let out a relaxed huff of breath. "Good. Good. You've got grease on your shirt by the way." He pointed. 

I let my shoulders relax as I smiled. "You put it there." 

Dean grinned, the blush fading away from his cheeks. "Still got an hour until you've gotta go." 

I nodded. "Yes." 

"What d'you wanna do?" 

"I don't mind." I looked around at his room. 

It had been hardly used for a couple of months now. 

I wondered if he missed it. 

He had decorated it how he liked it. 

My train of thought was cut off by Dean pulling me towards the bed so we were both lay down, his hand going to my hair. 

"Sorry about this morning." He mumbled before leaning in to kiss me softly. 

"It's forgotten." I whispered against his lips, sinking into the now familiar feeling of his weight pressed up against me and also slowly sinking down into the mattress. 

How familiar it was now still didn't mean that I was used to it. 

It still made my body feel as if I were on fire but in the best way possible. 

The hole in my chest became almost silent. 

My hands had a mind of their own as one rested on Dean's lower back and the other was in his hair, pulling him closer to me. 

And Dean obliged. 

"I think you should just use your mojo and zap all the food and clothes to the soup kitchen and stay here." Dean muttered as he placed kisses on my neck. 

I held back the noise that was caught in my throat. 

"That's not even possible. And you-you told me not to waste it." 

Dean chuckled against my throat before coming back up, leaning on his elbows. "Should be possible. Least I'll have you back for midnight." 

"I was thinking I could stay out tonight and help the people who sleep outside who don't go to the soup kitchen actually." 

Dean raised his eyebrows. "You mean hanging out at the park again?" 

I shook my head. "That's just usually where I end my night. I just thought since I don't need to sleep tonight and you probably miss staying in your room." 

"I don't miss it." He argued and pulled away so he was resting on his side, one hand clasping mine. 

I looked away from him and stared around the room, dust was collecting on the shelves and on the weapons on the wall. 

He had his photographs on the desk, barely touched. 

"But you decorated this room how you like it." I turned so I was facing him and tilted my head. 

Dean smiled softly. "I like your room too, Cas. Besides it's not like I've been in here much anyway." 

"But what about your things?" 

"Are you trying to kick me outta your room?" He raised an eyebrow and smirked. 

"No." I defended. "I just thought you'd miss it." 

He shook his head. 

"You could bring your things into my room or we could sleep in here if you wanted?" 

Dean suddenly kissed me again. 

"What was that for?" I smiled against his lips. 

"You're awesome." He grinned and squeezed my hand. "But I spent hours getting your room like it is, so if you don't mind I'll bring a couple things in." 

"Are you sure you won't miss it?" 

"If I do I'll come back and stare at the walls. Not like anyone's gonna move in is it?" He smirked. 

"I suppose not." I checked the time. 

Twenty minutes until soup kitchen starts. 

I needed to get Jerry. 

"I need to go." I sighed, wishing that the soup kitchen started just an hour later. 

Dean chuckled. "If you get tired come home, got it?" 

"Got it." I nodded and untangled myself from his legs. 

"Atta boy, Cas." He grinned. "Have fun." 

"I'll see you in the morning." I nodded and headed out of his room. 

I quickly swapped my dirty shirt for a new one and left the bunker to pick Jerry up. 

"Hey dude." Jerry grinned. "You look happy." 

"I am. It's Thursday." I explained. 

"Thursday? What's that supposed to mean?" He gave me a confused look. 

"Thursday's are supposed to be _my_ day but they've not been that great recently. But I've been turning it all around." 

"Oh yeah? How'd you do that?" He asked. 

"So this morning I started to feel my grace again because the coffee at the bunker tasted wrong and then Sam and I went to thrift stores and picked up lots of clothes for the soup kitchen and then I thought that Dean was angry with me but it turns out that he wasn't angry at all." 

"Sounds good to me. Let's make it even better and get everyone fed." He grinned. 

I nodded and started up the car. 

Jerry picked the music and blasted it all the way there, claiming that it was a 'feel good station' and all of the songs were supposed to be great and make you feel really happy. 

I remembered when this station had come on in the impala once and Sam had started grinning whispering a countdown to me. 

Sure enough once Sam had reached the number one Dean pretended to throw up and changed the station back to the music that he liked. 

I didn't see how music could make him have that reaction then and I still didn't see it now. 

It was a lot easier to hear what the singer was singing about on this station rather than his. 

I didn't mind it. 

* * *

I'd never been more energised after being at the soup kitchen before. 

I'd made the soup and served the soup with Jerry and then afterwards I helped a young woman clean up for a job interview and gave her the same advice that Daniel had given to me. 

I'd cleaned the kitchen once everyone was starting to leave and then I took the box of clothes that hadn't been taken back to the car and given both Jerry and Cindy rides to their homes. 

And I still wasn't tired. 

I'd been awake for fourteen hours and I wasn't even slightly tired. 

I hadn't yawned since last night. 

My grace was still weak but I could _feel_ it. 

It was only 11pm so I still had an hour of Thursday left and I knew exactly what I should do with it. 

I headed to the 24 hour store and bought my list of things. 

  1. _10x travel sticks of deodorant (not gender specific)_
  2. _10x toothpaste tubes_
  3. _10x toothbrushes_
  4. _10x hairbrushes_
  5. _10x disposable razors_
  6. _10x travel size shampoo and conditioner_
  7. _10x travel size shower gels_
  8. _10x travel size soap bars_
  9. _10x packs of women's sanitary products_
  10. _10x bottles of cough medicine_



The clerk at the store gave me a strange look when I asked for ten carrier bags but ended up sighing and giving them to me. 

I smiled as I got back into my car and organised the bags. 

One of each thing inside each of the bags, apart from the women's sanitary items. I put two of those in five of the bags. 

I would be busy tonight I'd decided and if I couldn't find as many people as I anticipated none of these things would 'go bad' so I could keep them in my car until I needed them. 

Then I sifted through the box of clothes and found a few pairs of socks and a few pairs of gloves and put them in a few of the bags too, not enough for everyone to have some but I would remember who didn't get any this time I was sure. 

11:34pm. 

Time to start helping people. 

The first person that I met didn't want to talk. He didn't trust me. That was okay. I didn't trust people when I slept outside either. 

11:48pm

The second person that I found was a young woman named Penny. She was extremely grateful for her carrier bag of things and insisted that she payed me for my 'troubles'. She tried to give me the money that she had but I refused to take it. I wouldn't accept her money. I hadn't brought any food with me today, she would need to buy food tomorrow with that money. She tried and tried to give me the money but finally accepted that I wasn't going to take it from her. She carried on shouting her thanks after I was out of normal human hearing range. 

12:16am

It wasn't Thursday anymore. 

But most humans would say that this was Thursday night, regardless of it being 'AM' or past midnight. 

I was still wide awake and the hole in my chest had stayed relatively quiet and inactive for a few hours now. 

I decided to keep treating it as if it was still Thursday. 

I left three carrier bags for my next visit. 

They were all asleep. 

A family. 

A man around Sam's age sleeping with both arms around his two children, a boy who looked to be ten years old and a girl who looked to be around thirteen years old. 

They didn't look like they had been out her for long and I hadn't met many children who slept outside. 

I thought they didn't really exist until Sam had told me about when he almost slept outside when he was a teenager. 

I left a note with the details of the soup kitchen and the opening times of it in the fathers bag. 

Hopefully I would see them again eating some food in the kitchen. 

12:52am

The next visit was also asleep. 

I recognised her from the soup kitchen by the coat that she was wearing. 

Sam had picked that coat out this morning and was stroking the inside, exclaiming how soft and warm it was. 

She did seem to be warm inside that coat. 

I left the bag as quietly as I could and headed back to my car. 

1:07am

 **Dean:** _Can't sleep, want some help?_

 **Me:** _Do you want me to come and give you a ride?_

 **Dean:** _Sure, I'll wait outside for you_

 **Me:** _Fifteen minutes_

I smiled at my phone, Dean was going to help out the people that sleep outside. 

I'd never expected him to do that, especially with his opinions on people that slept outside a few months ago. 

I'd drive him back to the bunker if he got tired of course. 

But Dean was used to staying awake for long periods of time. 

* * *

I'd done it. 

I'd done what I had wanted to do. 

Thursday was a really good day. 

I had made Thursday into _my_ day again. 

It still wasn't over as I was still treating it as a Thursday but in the eyes of time I had had a really good day on a Thursday. 

It had many opportunities to turn into a bad day. 

But it didn't. 

I stopped it. 

And now Dean was going to help me help the people who slept outside. 

Maybe Friday would be a really good day too. 

"Just tell me what to do." Dean grinned as he got into my car. "You're the boss." 

"I just find the people that sleep outside and give them these bags." I shrugged. "Just make sure that you don't give these ones to a man." I pointed to one with the women's hygiene products in them. 

"Gotcha. Where do I find them? It's not like I've seen many homeless people around Lebanon to be honest." He scratched his head. 

I chewed on the inside of my lip. 

It was almost two in the morning now. 

Most of the people who sleep outside would actually be asleep now so there wouldn't be many conversations to be had. 

I only had three bags left anyway. 

"We can go together. There's only three bags." I shrugged. 

"Sounds good to me." 

"Just try and not be too loud if you see someone with a dog, they can get very aggressive if they think that we're the police or something." I parked at the diner and pulled the bags out of the car. 

Dean got out of my car with a sour look on his face as he took the bags off me. "Cops have a bad rep with homeless people huh?" 

"I guess so." I nodded and started to walk. 

"Cas, wait." Dean grabbed my arm to stop me. 

"What is it?" I asked. 

"Y'know at Jody's when you were talking about the bad cops?" 

I nodded shakily. 

_Ache_

At least it's not Thursday anymore. 

"You were talking about you right?" 

"I didn't think it was that bad." I chewed on the inside of my cheek. "If I knew you'd all find it that bad I wouldn't have said anything." 

Dean nodded carefully. "I'm gonna guess that kinda stuff happens a lot to homeless people then?" 

"Everyone I've met has a story similar." I agreed. 

"Man, that's fucked up." Dean sighed. 

"I know that Jody's not like that." 

"Damn right she isn't." Dean looked around the parking lot before pulling me into him and kissing me on the forehead quickly. "Least you know you're never gonna be in that position again, right?" 

"Right." I nodded. 

"I promise, Cas." 

"I know." I swallowed and reached out to squeeze his hand. 

Dean squeezed back before he let go. "Where do we go first?" 

"I've already been to the bus shelters and the back alleys. So the park and under the bridge in town are left." 

"What about the bus station?" Dean asked as we walked. 

_Twist_

"I-I uh-I don't really go there." I swallowed, blinking quickly. 

"Why-oh-oh right. Okay. How about I go there, you go to the bridge and we meet back at the park?" 

I nodded. "That sounds okay. There might be people I miss there." 

"Okay." He squeezed my shoulder. 

"If there's someone awake talk to them about the soup kitchen and try and get them to come." 

"Got it." Dean nodded. "Text me when you're heading to the park, Cas." 

I nodded back and started walking to the bridge, surprisingly the woman was awake. 

"Long time no see." She grinned and thanks to my grace I could see her almost perfectly. 

"My apologies." I sighed and found my usual place of sitting beside her. "There's been a lot going on recently." 

Her name was Lindsay and she would usually sleep under here and no matter how much I'd tried to get her to come to the soup kitchen she'd always refused. 

"I get it." She smiled. "Don't worry your pretty little head, Cas." 

I smiled back. "How have you been, Lindsay?" 

She shrugged but I caught the grimace. "Same old, same old. Save the speech about that kitchen of yours, still ain't interested." 

I rolled my eyes. "I don't see why you won't accept help." 

"See the way I see it is, you were like me and you didn't accept help did ya?" She smirked. "You told me you never went." 

"I had reasons." 

"So do I." She argued. 

"What are they?" 

"I ain't a damn beggar." She huffed, wincing again. 

"Are you hurt?" I asked. 

She shook her head. "It's nothin'." 

I sighed and leaned against the wall of the bridge. "I haven't brought any food today but I brought you these." I handed her the bag. 

"You know I don't like accepting this stuff." She sighed heavily. 

"If you don't take it I'll throw it all away." I lied. 

"Waste not want not." She smirked and took the bag, grimacing again. 

She was definitely injured. 

But she wouldn't ask for help. 

She wouldn't tell me what it was. 

Instead she told me of all the trouble she'd managed to get into since the last time I'd visited which was a lot apparently. 

Mainly fighting with other people who slept outside trying to take this spot under the bridge. 

I understood her point. 

If more and more people slept under here then the police would be alerted and then no one would be able to sleep under the bridge. 

But fighting can't be the only solution, surely. 

Especially when it seemed that she'd been hurt by it. 

My phone ringing made us both jump. 

"Hello?" I answered quickly. 

"Cas? You heading to the park yet?" 

"Uh-no. Not yet. I'm still with Lindsay at the bridge." 

"I found two people at the bus station so I haven't got any bags left so d'you want me to go to the store and get more things if we see anyone else at the park?" 

Lindsay gave me a questioning look, I held up a finger to tell her I'd only be a minute. 

Maybe Dean could pick up some medical supplies too, he could meet me here and help me get Lindsay to tell me where she was hurt. 

He was better at fixing people physically anyway. 

I wished I could use my grace for whatever it was that was hurting her but there was no way she'd trust me enough to put a hand to her head without telling her why and then I would have to explain everything. 

"Yes please-"

"Awesome." 

"Dean?" 

"Yeah?"

"Can you meet me here please? Under the bridge. You know the one I mean?" 

"Yeah, sure. Everything okay?" 

"Yes. I'll see you soon." I hung up and quickly texted him. 

**Me:** _Please can you pick up some medical supplies like a bandage and painkillers?_

 **Dean:** _What kinda injury are we talking?_

 **Me:** _I'm not sure_

 **Dean:** _Yeah, give me ten minutes_

I shoved my phone back into my pocket and turned back to Lindsay. 

"Sorry about that. My uh-" 

Friend? 

"Friend. He's-He's on his way." 

"So there's more of you, huh?" She smirked. "Walking around with bags full of supplies in the dead of the night?" 

"That's us." I nodded. "Are you gonna tell me how you got hurt yet?" 

She sighed. 

"Some guy the other day. Shoved me and I fell down too quick, busted my wrist." She rolled her eyes. "I shoulda landed better." 

"I broke my wrist once. The pain isn't fun without medical treatment. You need to let me see it." I chewed on the inside of my cheek, trying to ignore the sickening sound of my wrist crunching in Ephriam's hand. 

Lindsay shook her head. "It ain't broken. Just sore. I'll be fine." 

"Lindsay." I sighed. 

She rolled her eyes. "You bring any booze?" 

I shook my head. 

"Shame." 

I rolled my eyes and waited quietly for Dean to show up which eventually he did. 

"Cas? You down here?" He called at the entrance. 

"At the end." I called back. 

There was more light here from the moon so I wasn't worried about him being unable to see properly. 

"Let's see then." He smiled. "Dean." He held his hand out to Lindsay. 

"Lindsay." She scrunched her eyebrows and didn't shake his hand. "Let's see what?" 

"I think her wrist is broken." I muttered. 

Lindsay groaned. "Let me guess, your friend here just so happens to be some kinda doctor." 

"Close enough." I chuckled. 

Dean rolled his eyes."C'mon, I'll be gentle." He knelt down beside me and offered his hand out to Lindsay. 

She let out a big sigh but shrugged off her coat and blanket, giving her arm to Dean. 

Lindsay flinched when Dean's hand prodded at her wrist. 

"Sorry. Cas, give me a bit of light would ya?" Dean mumbled. 

I took the torch that I knew would be in his pocket and shone it on Lindsay's wrist. 

It was swollen and bruised badly. 

Lindsay yelped and almost kicked Dean when he moved around her wrist in his hand. 

"Yeah, it's a sprain." Dean nodded, easily blocking her foot from kicking him. "Not the worst one I've seen either. It'll be good as new in a couple weeks." 

"So it's not broken?" I asked. 

Dean shook his head. "Nah, I couldn't feel anything and if it really was broken she'd of used her free hand to knock me out after I moved it like that." He grinned. 

Lindsay glared. "Nice friend, Cas." 

"He is." I agreed with her. 

Both of them rolled their eyes. 

"Cas, there's some bandages in that bag." Dean nodded his head, still keeping hold of Lindsay's wrist. 

I went through the bag and handed him a pack of bandages then got out a bottle of water and the anti inflammatory pills he'd brought too. 

He pretty much had the entire pharmacy in the bag. 

I rolled my eyes as I popped two of the pills out and handed them to Lindsay, the rest of the packet going into her carrier bag. 

"You're gonna wanna rest it as much as you can for a few days but try and move it around at least once a day not too much and if it hurts way too much then stop and rest it longer. It'll heal at its own pace really." Dean explained as he wrapped the bandages around her wrist tightly. "This is just to give it the extra support. Pretty sure I've got a sling in there if you want that?" 

Lindsay shook her head. "Thank you." She flexed her fingers once Dean was finished. "Do I gotta change the bandage?" 

"If you come to the soup kitchen I can change it." I offered, it was worth a shot. 

Lindsay groaned. "I'll think about it." 

I grinned. "We'll leave you to sleep." 

"Thanks Cas, Dean." She pulled the carrier bag behind her and put her coat and blanket back on. 

"How'd she do that?" Dean asked as we started walking towards the park. 

"Fighting." I shrugged. "She fights with a lot of people." 

Dean nodded. "I got enough for three more people, think we'll find anyone?" He asked. 

3:51am 

"If there's anyone here they'll be in the bushes and it's best not to try and leave something there." I explained. "I'll just leave these bags in my car for next time." 

Dean nodded. 

"Are you tired yet?" I asked. 

"A little." He sighed and sat on my stargazing bench, his hand slipping into mine. "Not quite ready to go home yet." 

"Why not?" I tilted my head. 

"You're a hero y'know, Cas." 

I shook my head. "I don't understand." 

Dean sighed and smiled softly."Of course you don't." 

I tilted my head at him. 

Maybe he was tired and saying random things. 

He did that sometimes.

"The way you help these people, man. I just-I never realised how much it means. I guess I never really thought about it. But being out here with you-I can see how much you help out and these people-God what would they do without you? How did you cope when there was no one like you out there in Idaho? I mean-I just-I can't even imagine it. I've always ignored it." 

"Most people do. It doesn't make me a hero, Dean. I just understand them so I know what they need." 

"I wish you didn't understand." Dean sighed heavily. 

"Sorry." I swallowed. 

Dean pulled his hand away and instead wrapped his arm around my shoulder as we faced the stars. "You've nothing to apologise for. But I-I haven't felt as-I don't even know- _useful_ as I feel right now in a long time. I don't think I've ever felt like this." 

"Do you like it?" I asked. 

"Yeah, Cas. I have no idea how I'm ever gonna make it up to you. What-what I did-I-I mean." He sighed again. "There's no fixing it. I can try all I want and you can bet your ass I'm gonna try everything, I'll spend the rest of my goddamn life making it up to you. I didn't-I didn't realise how bad it can be out here. And-and Kansas isn't even that cold right now and I bet the people here are nicer than-"

"Stop." I begged, the aching was getting more intense with each word that he spoke. "Can we go?" I asked. 

Dean nodded and slipped his hand back into mine as we walked through Lebanon in the earliest hours of the morning to get back to the car. 

* * *

5:13am

"You don't have to spend the rest of your life making it up to me. I forgave you a long time ago. You know that." I smiled as Dean started breathing heavier, his head on my chest, my hand in his hair. 

I still didn't feel the need to sleep but Dean was yawning with each sentence by the time we got back to the bunker. 

I didn't mind laying in bed with him as he slept. 

"Yeah." Dean yawned. "I know, baby." 

"Stop blaming yourself then." I stroked through his hair. 

"Can't. It's my turn to watch o-over you now." 

I smiled as he snored at the end of his declaration. 

I'd watch over him tonight at least. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey dudes  
> how did you find it  
> by the way Lindsay isn't gonna become another jerry dont worry she was just a one chapter wonder  
> bit of fluff with a splash of angst in the beginning, i really hope you liked it  
> new chapter in the next few days  
> lotta love and stay safe :)


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys  
> sorry it's been closer to a week than a couple days but work and other shit got me stressed out.   
> I thought a dean POV would be in order for the last chapter as I think Dean had some revelations when out with cas and his view on cas' grace etc so this is the last chapter but in Dean's POV  
> hope you enjoy   
> lotta love  
> c

**Dean's POV**

Okay this was getting creepy. 

But on the other hand Cas always used to wait for me to wake up by just watching me. 

The difference was that I usually woke up after a few minutes of it. 

It had been way over a few minutes now. 

And here I was. 

Still on my side, facing Cas. 

Just watching as his eyelids moved and he muttered in what I presumed was Enochian in his sleep. 

I couldn't even understand what he was saying, it would make more sense if I could understand the words he was muttering. 

But I couldn't. 

So this was just creepy now. 

Could he not sense that he was being watched in his sleep? 

He always knew when he was being watched when we were on a hunt. 

On the vengeful spirit case all I heard from him for the first day was, "Quit staring at me, I'm fine.". And he was usually facing away from me when he said that. 

So he must know. 

But he was still quite clearly in a deep sleep. 

"Cas?" I whispered. 

Maybe he was almost awake. 

Nothing. 

I sighed. "Cas, c'mon. Wake up." 

Nothing. 

"Cas." I shook his shoulder. 

Cas huffed in his sleep and scowled, still dead to the world. 

I bit my lip to hide my laugh at his expression. 

After a few more minutes it smoothed out again. 

He'd had plenty of sleep now, surely he'd be ready to wake up now. 

"Cas." I shook his shoulder again. 

"No." He grumbled and pushed my hand away. 

Cas then let out a big sigh and carried on his mumbling. 

I rolled my eyes and played on my phone for another ten minutes, if I caught myself staring at him again I quickly turned back. 

Damn creepy, Winchester. 

"Cas, it's ten in the morning. Wake up." 

Nothing. 

"Cas, it's almost dinner time. You've overslept." I lied.

Nothing. 

"Sam's here and he's had a haircut. Wake up and see." 

Nothing. 

"Cas! The bunker's on fire!" 

Nothing. 

I sighed and tried shaking him again but he moved further away with a huff and faced away from me. 

Moody bastard. 

He'd probably wake up in the next hour or so anyway, I could at least make myself useful and actually give Baby the tune up I'd been meaning to give her for weeks. I pulled myself out of bed and re covered Cas up with the grey blanket and crept out of his room. 

Sam was already up and whistling as he cleaned around the kitchen, which was weird. 

Sam kept things tidy and clean but it was usually me who did a deep clean of the kitchen. 

"Morning." He grinned. 

"You're chipper." I smiled back. "New fancy conditioner come out today or something?" I teased. 

Sam gave me his classic 'that's not funny, grow up Dean' look but carried on with his whistling and cleaning, I rolled my eyes at his lack of a real reaction to my teasing. 

"Want some help?" I nodded to his cleaning supplies. 

Sam smirked. "Is Cas finally mad about you being such a dick the other day?" 

"I wasn't that bad." I defended. 

Sam scoffed. "Dude, you were pretty much acting like Dad the entire time." 

I thought back to the case and I had to admit Sam did have a point. 

But surely it wasn't as bad as he was making out to be, Cas hadn't said much about it other than I was being irritating but he understood why and it was okay. 

He was annoyed at me sure. 

And he didn't really get any closer to me when I got into the motel bed beside him. 

But I was pretty sure that was because he was completely wiped out for the night. 

"Whatever." I huffed. "I'm gonna go tune Baby up." 

"Yeah, have fun." He waved me off, carrying on his tune. 

Being in the garage again felt good. 

My music blasting through the radio as I just took it slow with my car, it was definitely what the doctor ordered. 

I fixed and tested everything as I found it.

I could probably finish within an hour but I dragged it out more than I really needed to. 

Cas was busy sleeping and Sam was busy cleaning the kitchen. 

Both of those things would of sounded crazy to me if someone had said it a few years ago but now it just felt so _normal._

This was probably as close to the 'apple pie life' that any of us would ever get and I was surprisingly okay with that. 

I grinned and carried on, letting my thoughts fade as the guitar solos distracted me. 

Something on my shoulder pulled me out of the 'cars and led zeppelin' zone that I was happily in. 

I felt my heart in my throat as my arm swung up in time with my body. 

"Jesus Christ!" I shouted, letting whatever tool was in my hand fall to the floor instead of what it was going to do if I didn't. And that would hit Cas right between his eyes. 

"Do I need to get a bell on you?" I huffed. 

Cas smiled and leaned over to turn my music down. "I did shout." 

It looked like we were both ignorant bastards today then. 

"I tried waking you up when I got up but you weren't having any of it." I grinned and pulled him closer into me, Cas let me pull him, his hands automatically resting on my sides. 

"I'm not tired now." Cas looked up at me, all bright eyed and bed head but fully dressed

"I can see that. Coffee break?" 

Cas shook his head. 

That was weird. 

Cas pretty much survives off coffee until he remembers to eat at least once a day. 

He lives for the stuff. 

And now he didn't want any?

"Are you sick?" I teased, putting my hand to his head. 

Cas rolled his eyes, apparently getting the joke. "No. Definitely not. I had a coffee with Sam already." 

"Wanna help me out then? I could use an extra pair of eyes." 

As I suggested it the more I liked the idea. 

Having a 'Car, led zeppelin and Cas' zone sounded awesome right about now.

I could even teach him the basics with Baby and then he could try and tune up his car. 

He'd like learning that. 

"I need to tell you something first." Cas mumbled, his hands falling from my sides. 

"What's up?" I asked, turning back to look at his now worried face. 

"Uh- so-It's nothing bad-Just, can you promise that you won't get angry?" Cas fumbled over his words. 

I didn't like where this was going.

'Promise you won't get angry' was usually a sure fire way to pretty much guarantee that I was about to get angry. 

Cas knew that. 

Sam knew that. 

Everyone knew that. 

"Why would I get mad? Cas what's up?"

Cas shrugged as if it was nothing. "I don't know if you will but-just promise?" 

He was looking at me and was clearly trying to figure out my mood and how I would react to whatever he was about to tell me. 

But he looked worried but at the same time he looked excited? 

Was it excitement?

"I can't promise but I'll try okay? Depends what it is." I sighed. 

I would try. 

I had been pretty hard on him the other day and it's not like he'd had the best time recently. 

I'd give it a try. 

Cas nodded. 

"I was-I was having coffee with Sam but the coffee didn't taste right-"

Was he sick? 

Could he even get sick? 

I'd never seen him even sneeze. 

But I'd seen him cough. 

I'd seen him be sick but that was nothing to do with illness. 

Was he more pale than usual?

"It's not Sam's fancy shit right?" I interrupted. 

Cas shook his head. "The normal one." 

"Right." 

He was his usual colour. 

His hands weren't shaking and when I felt his forehead earlier he'd been a normal temperature. 

"It didn't taste right to me but Sam said it tasted fine to him." Cas carried on. "And then I realised what it tasted like and it tasted like uh-molecules and then I checked for my grace and it's coming back, Dean." 

_Cas is going to be an angel again._

_No more sleeping._

_No more movie nights under the covers._

_No more diner dates._

_No more dates at all._

_No more listening to him mumble Enochian in his sleep._

_Cas wouldn't need any of that anymore._

_Cas wouldn't need me anymore._

"I can feel it." Cas stared at me, waiting for my reaction. 

His face becoming more and more worried as I didn't respond. 

I spotted one of his hands twitching towards his chest. 

"Okay." I said quickly, hoping the hand would go back down. 

Cas' hand froze half way between his chest and by his side. 

"Okay?" He asked. 

"Yeah." I nodded. "Okay." 

What else was I supposed to say? 

We had a good run of two weeks. 

Great. 

That's all I needed anyway. 

No. 

Cas wouldn't understand anyway. 

"You're not angry?" Cas asked in a quiet voice. 

I shook my head and turned my face away from his, I could only keep it like this for so long. 

"Are you sure?" Cas prodded. 

"Yeah, Cas. It's a good thing right? No more eating and sleeping?" 

I knew how much he hated doing human things. 

I understood exactly why he hated eating and sleeping now too. 

When he was actually human he was starving and sleeping freaking outside so of course he hated it. 

How could I be angry with him for not wanting that?

"I suppose." Cas' voice sounded shaky. 

I wanted to turn around and make sure that he was okay but he was gonna be an angel again. 

He would be okay. 

I ignored Sam's voice in my head to stop being so stupid and carried on messing around with Baby's engine. 

"I'll probably need to go to sleep tomorrow. It's still not fully better yet."Cas carried on. 

So last night wasn't the last time then. 

"Tomorrow." I nodded.

"I was thinking that tomorrow we could look for a case." Cas changed the subject straight away. 

I forced my face to remain unchanged, I knew he'd be watching. 

I could feel it. 

I could also feel some anger bubbling up beneath the surface. 

I'd promised I'd try and not get angry with him. 

But he hated being human so much and he wanted his grace back. 

Why would he want to work another case where he would most likely end up using his grace and then becoming pretty much human again? 

He hated it so much. 

"So now your mojo's back you just wanna waste it again?" 

Maybe a little anger had managed to escape. 

Cas didn't seem to react to it. 

"I was thinking that before I figured out it was back." 

"I thought I was smothering you and was being an ass the other day?" 

Dammit. 

I didn't even think about saying that. 

It just came right out. 

"I'm not upset about that, Dean. I told you that.Sam said that you do it to him sometimes too." 

I really tried not to roll my eyes. 

Of course Sam would be giving him bullshit reassurances. 

I'd never been _that_ hard on Sammy and he freaking knew that. 

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I'm happy for you. Just-Just be careful with it. Don't waste it." I nodded to myself and pretended to fiddle with something under the hood. 

"I didn't waste it last time." Cas sounded like he was getting mad now. 

I turned around and sighed. "I ain't arguing about this at this time."

We could argue about that when he was a full fledged angel again. 

I wouldn't waste any of our time together now. 

What would be the point? 

If I was lucky I might get another week of me and Cas. 

But a week full of arguments wasn't how I wanted to spend the last week with Cas. 

"Fine." Cas turned away and headed to the door. 

Dammit. 

"No lunch then?" I called. 

Lame, Winchester. 

Lame. 

"No, thank you." Cas shut the door behind him. 

Would he even come back? 

_Music._

What if he had it in his head that I didn't want him because of how I reacted? 

_Music._

He can't think that right?

_Need music._

I reached over to my radio and turned the volume right back up trying to shove thoughts of Cas out of my head. 

He'd be back. 

I was being stupid. 

I blinked hard to keep myself from seeing Cas' hand twitching up to his chest over and over again. 

I'd keep my distance for a while, I didn't want to see him do that at _all._ Not ever again if I was being honest. 

But especially not today, today it almost happened because of me. 

**Me:** _Stick with Cas today_

**Sam:** _Sure?_

I shoved my phone back into my pocket and tried to get lost in the sound of Zeppelin and the smell of my Baby. 

It was almost working. 

Just the little nagging in the back of my head. 

I quickly shut it down by thinking of Cas bringing his hand to his chest. 

I'd been selfish enough having a pretty much human Cas for two weeks. 

It would be even more selfish to be angry because it was ending. 

But I wanted it so much. 

I wished I'd appreciated it a little more, especially on that freaking date. 

Couldn't even hold his damn hand in public. 

I grit my teeth and tried harder to get lost in the music. 

**Cas:** _Sam and I are going out for a few hours. Do you want to come?_

Yes. 

Yes I want to come and hang out with you and Sam. 

Of course I freaking do. 

**Me:** _I'm good here, have fun._

No chance of upsetting Cas from the garage. 

I had plenty of work to do on Baby anyway. 

But soon enough all of that was done. 

I sighed and cleaned all of the tools I'd used. Then went and cleaned all of the guns we had dotted around the bunker. Then I cleaned up Cas' room and checked for any hidden weapons or anything else that could hurt him. Not that he'd need me to do that anymore. 

But his episodes are his soul and his grace fighting or whatever so there was a chance that they could still happen anytime. 

I felt a pang of guilt run hit my stomach. 

I quickly made the bed and headed out of the room. 

I ignored the thoughts of Cas maybe leaving to do angel things. 

He already told me that he wouldn't leave again unless I asked him to. 

He said that there was no fixing his relationships with the other angels. 

He was proving that by wanting to work cases. 

I'd find him a damn case then. 

Within minutes I stumbled across one. 

**Me:** _Found a case we can do. Vengeful spirit over in Nebraska, only haunts this house for one night every year. In two days if you're up for it?_

 **Cas:** _Yes_

He replied instantly. 

See. 

He wants to be one of us. 

I knew that already but it was nice to hear. 

Nice to know for sure.

 **Dean:** _Good, when are you and Sam coming home?_

 **Cas:** _Maybe another hour but I'm going back out around six to the soup kitchen_

Everything was going back to normal. 

Normal was good. 

I liked it being normal again. 

But. 

But what about the last two weeks? 

They meant something right? 

**Me:** _No problem, Cas._

I spent the next hour making some lunch for Sam and I for when they got back but I ended up eating mine and leaving Sam's out and ready to reheat.

I was being stupid about this. 

Just freaking ask. 

That's all I needed to do. 

Cas doesn't get awkward about this stuff unless I do. 

He only realises it's weird if I give him the impression that it's weird. 

If I just come out and freaking ask him what's gonna happen it'll be fine. 

If he says it's gonna stop between us I'll take it on the chin. 

And if he says it's gonna carry on then-

I heard the bunker door open. 

Now or never. 

"You've got some food in the kitchen." I said quickly to Sam before nodding at Cas to follow me. 

I heard him following me into my room. 

If he said it was gonna stop there was some whiskey in here. I could just stay in here for the rest of the day. 

"Are you okay?" Cas asked once we were inside, his voice full of concern as he searched my face. 

I swallowed before nodding and closing the door. 

Now. 

Just ask him. 

"Can I ask you something?" 

Stalling. 

Nice move. 

Cas furrowed his eyebrows and shifted on his feet but nodded. 

I paid close attention to his hands at his sides. 

He'd barely spoken about the 'hole' or whatever it was in his chest but whenever he had those episodes or a bad day he was always holding his chest, always. 

I'd be damned if he put a hand to his chest once in this conversation. 

I was the reason the damn hole was there in the first place I was sure. 

"Your grace is coming back right?" I swallowed nervously. 

"Yeah. It always comes back." Cas nodded curiously. 

Now, Winchester. 

"That doesn't mean that you're uh-god this is awkward." I groaned when I felt my face turning pink. 

Dammit. 

"What is?" Cas asked, clueless as ever. 

Maybe that was a good sign? 

Maybe it hadn't even crossed his mind that this would stop. 

"Even though you have your mojo you're still-You're still gonna want this?" I shook my hand in between us both. 

Don't make me say it, Cas. 

C'mon. 

"That's why you were angry?"He tilted his head at me. 

He seemed so confused. 

"I wasn't angry." I defended.

I knew I'd come across angry. 

Cas clearly didn't have a response for that. 

_Use your words._

I sighed at Sam's damn voice in my head. 

"I just-I've wanted this for-for a long ass time, Cas and now I've got it and it's been so crazy this past two weeks. But for-for all of it you've pretty much been human an-and I just-I don't want to lose this because your mojo is back." 

"That's not going to happen. I don't just lose my emotions when I have my grace. You know that." Cas seemed almost offended that I'd even thought that. 

"Yeah. I know but I mean-it's just been nagging at me y'know?" I played it off like it wasn't the only thing I'd been thinking about all damn day. 

"Dean. I still felt this way about you before I fell. Nothing's changed." 

Before he fell? 

Which time? 

God, which time? 

"Sure?" I asked, holding my breath for his answer. 

"Of course." Cas gave me a small smile.

I let out the breath. 

And suddenly all the little things like going to the diner together and going to sleep together didn't matter as much. 

He still wanted all of this. 

I'd still miss it like hell. 

But. 

I still had Cas. 

"Good. Good." I grinned, looking at him properly for the first time since this morning. 

You've got grease on your shirt by the way." I pointed out. 

Cas smiled again. "You put it there." 

"Still got an hour until you've gotta go." I grinned. 

He hadn't gone anywhere near his chest. 

It didn't seem like he would either. 

"Yes." 

"What d'you wanna do?" 

"I don't mind." Cas' eyes drifted away from mine and looked around my room. 

Was he looking for where I'd hidden his angel blade?

He had to be curious. 

He could have it back if he needed it, but this is where it was staying as far as I was concerned. 

I pulled him towards me and let us fall onto the bed, adjusting myself so I was leaning on him, my hand in his hair, pulling him even closer to me. 

"Sorry about this morning." I pressed a kiss to his lips. 

Cas melted into my touch, just like usual. 

I didn't even have to think I'd miss this. 

Cas wanted this to carry on. 

"It's forgotten." Cas managed to whisper when I let his lips go. 

I smiled and got myself back into his personal space, his hands pulling me closer, stronger than they were a couple days ago. 

I swallowed the dread that I felt at that. 

It didn't matter. 

What mattered was that I had Cas and Cas still wanted me even though his grace was coming back. 

God I sounded like a teenage girl. 

I let myself enjoy it for as long as I could. 

But I knew it was getting close to when he had to go. 

Dam soup kitchen. 

"I think you should just use your mojo and zap all the food and clothes to the soup kitchen and stay here." I half joked as I kissed his neck, I knew exactly how to get him to consider it. 

"That's not even possible. And you-you told me not to waste it." Cas managed to get out. 

I chuckled and pulled myself up to lean on my elbows, still so close I bet he could feel my breath on his face. "Should be possible. Least I'll have you back for midnight." 

Maybe he'd be up for watching movies before I fell asleep then he could do his own thing. 

We still hadn't watched the Titanic. 

He'd said last week that he wanted to watch it because apparently Balthazar hadn't been lying about hating the movie. 

But we'd had the week from Hell so we still hadn't sat down and watched it. And I'd rather be back in Hell than admit to Sam that we were gonna watch it. That could be done in the privacy of Cas' room without Sam ever finding out. 

"I was thinking I could stay out tonight and help the people who sleep outside who don't go to the soup kitchen actually." 

Oh. 

Maybe not then. 

"You mean hanging out at the park again?" I asked, I tried my best not to sound annoyed. 

Cas was helping people. 

He was doing good. 

I shouldn't be trying to stop him. 

But I'll bet if I told him I didn't want him to do it he would stop. 

And that wasn't right. 

He shook his head. "That's just usually where I end my night. I just thought since I don't need to sleep tonight and you probably miss staying in your room." 

That caught me by surprise. 

Why would I miss staying in here? 

Why would I miss staying in here when Cas' room was without a doubt the nicest in the bunker with comfy blankets and photo frames everywhere? 

"I don't miss it." I pulled myself off my elbows as they started to ache and rolled to my side, bringing Cas' hand with me. 

Cas looked around the room again with a frown. 

"But you decorated this room how you like it." He tilted his head. 

I smiled at him. 

Of course Cas would think like that. 

Dumb idiot. 

"I like your room too, Cas. Besides it's not like I've been in here much anyway." 

"But what about your things?" He asked. 

"Are you trying to kick me outta your room?" I teased. 

"No, I just thought you'd miss it." He shrugged. 

I shook my head. 

I'd barely even thought about my room for weeks. 

I'd hardly used it at all. 

"You could bring your things into my room or we could sleep in here if you wanted?" He suggested. 

Was he-

No way was he saying-

I felt myself lunging at his face with mine. 

Cas smiled against me. "What was that for?" He was almost laughing. 

"You're awesome." I squeezed his hand. "But I spent hours getting your room like it is, so if you don't mind I'll bring a couple things in." 

"Are you sure you won't miss it?" He asked.

"If I do I'll come back and stare at the walls. Not like anyone's gonna move in is it?" I teased again, I couldn't wipe this damn grin off my face if I wanted to. 

We were gonna have _our_ room. 

Not his room and my room a few doors down. 

_Our room._

"I suppose not." Cas smiled and pulled his phone from his pocket. "I need to go." He sighed. 

"If you get tired come home, got it?" I carried on grinning.

"Got it." He nodded and started to get up. 

"Atta boy, Cas. Have fun." 

"I'll see you in the morning." Cas smiled and shut my door. 

I let myself lie on my back and stare at the ceiling for a while. 

_Our room._

Who would of ever thought that? 

Certainly not me. 

Maybe Sam with his weird 'I've been waiting for you two to admit your feelings for years' speech. 

But sharing a room? 

That was a whole other level. 

I checked around the room for any stuff that I could put in Cas'-no. 

In our room. 

God I was being so girly about this. 

I gathered up my photos, a couple of books and Dad's journal, taking them across the hall. 

I didn't know what I should do with the photos really, not many of them were big enough to go into frames so I left them on the desk for now but I put the books and Dad's journal on the shelf behind the bed, fitting them in with Cas' book collection. 

"Pizza for dinner?" Sam asked. 

"Sounds good, is it my turn to buy?" 

Sam nodded. "Mine to pick up." He held his hand out for keys and cash. 

I pulled a few notes and my keys out. 

"What're you doing in here?" He raised an eyebrow. 

"Nothing." I felt my cheeks burning. 

Dammit. 

Sam smirked. "I'm guessing you and Cas are good now then?" 

"Shove it." I glared. 

Sam chuckled. "Back in a half hour." 

I rolled my eyes and grabbed my clothes and brought them back, organising the drawers so Cas had his stuff on the left and my stuff was on the right. 

Most of his stuff was mine really anyway. 

Somehow over the past couple of months it had stopped being my old clothes that I never wore to me just letting Cas wear whatever he wanted from my clothes. 

They all fit so it wasn't like it mattered anyway. 

But for some reason I found myself having fun organising it all. 

I moved more of my warmer clothes over to his side anyway. 

Even though it didn't matter. 

"Dean!" Sam shouted when he came back from getting food. 

I closed the drawers and the door, heading to the library to eat. 

"The impala's running smoother than ever." He commented, handing me a beer. 

I nodded in thanks. "Yeah, spent a good two hours on her. What did you do with Cas?" 

Sam nodded and started eating. "Went around thrift stores for the soup kitchen. Getting clothes for all the homeless people. Y'know people throw out nice things." 

I chuckled. 

Did he not realise that I got most of or clothes as kids from thrift stores? 

"Yeah, as soon as it ain't trendy they don't want it." I moaned as I ate my first slice. 

Sam smiled but then furrowed his eyebrows. "I asked him why he does it all y'know." 

I raised an eyebrow. "Did he tell you?" 

Sam nodded. 

I raised both eyebrows. "Why?" 

"From what I could make of it some old woman made him go to a soup kitchen and a guy helped him clean up and ace an interview so he got the job at the Gas'n'Sip. He's kinda doing the same for the people here." 

"Because he can't go to Idaho and actually thank the guy." I struggled swallowing my last bite. 

Sam nodded and looked down. "I guess." 

I chewed on my lip before having a mouthful of beer. "He might get there eventually. I mean his grace is coming back it could mean-" 

Sam shook his head. "I really don't think so. Last time he tried to go there he barely got through Nebraska before having an episode. Jerry told me."

"But-" I tried. 

Cas was getting better.

I'd only seen him touch his chest once today and it was barely even there. 

He'd gone over a week without an episode and his grace was coming back. 

And he'd worked a case. 

"Dean, you can't just ignore that he's gonna have more episodes. It's not just his grace is back so he's fixed. If anything this could make him worse. He's got his grace so his soul can fight it now." Sam studied my face, as if trying to get me to realise something. 

But he was right. 

Cas had only gone a week without an episode because there was no grace there for his soul to fight with. 

Surely when he told us about being-

About last year, if he'd had any grace he would of had an episode. 

But he didn't. 

"Dean." Sam sighed. 

"Yeah?" I looked up. 

"Do you think we should ask him about giving up his grace?" 

_"Imagine cutting out your kidney with a butter knife."_

I shook my head both at Sam's suggestion and the memory of Anna. 

He's so damn happy he's got it. 

I couldn't watch his face drop like it did last time I broke his damn heart. 

"Just see how he does, Sammy. Have a little faith." 

Sam pulled his face. "No matter how many times you say that it's not funny." 

I snorted. "It definitely is funny." 

I tried shoving all thoughts of Cas' episodes and his grace away whilst we finished dinner and when I finished organising our room. 

By the time I was finished it was barely eleven. 

I sighed and pulled my phone out to call Jody. 

She'd be awake. 

"Hey Dean, what's up?" Jody answered on the third ring. 

"Social call, you free to talk for a few?" 

"Yeah, course. What's going on?" 

"Cas started feeling his grace again." I blurted out without thinking. 

So maybe I still had it on my mind. 

"That's good news right?" She asked. 

"Yeah." 

"But?" Jody sighed. 

Why did she always freaking know? 

I definitely still had it on my mind. 

"But." I rolled my eyes. "I mean-it sounds really- I mean it just sounds like I'm being all weird about it because-" I sighed. 

"Got all night, take your time." 

I huffed. "I'm worried it's gonna y'know-change things with me and him."

Even though he said it wouldn't. 

God, why did I even say anything?

"Have you talked to him about it?" 

"Yeah." 

I could almost see Jody raising her eyebrows as she gasped. "Dean Winchester? Using his words to talk about his feelings with a certain angel? Isn't that unheard of?" She chuckled. 

"Alright, alright." I laughed with her. 

"What did he say?"

"He said it doesn't change anything." I sighed. 

"But?" 

I grit my teeth. "But, he can't know that for sure. I mean-what if it does? We're not exactly like normal people. When he gets it back he won't need to eat or sleep at all anymore and it's kinda just-I don't know-"

"Sad?" Jody guessed. 

"No." I groaned. 

"Yes." Jody chuckled. "Dean, it's okay to be sad about not eating together and not sleeping together too. It's an important part in a relationship. But Sam told me that these episodes of his that after them he needs a few days to feel his grace again anyway?" 

"Yeah, but what if it's back for good this time? I don't wanna be wishing for him to have another episode just so I can go on a freaking date. What kinda person does that make me?" 

"I'm sure you're not actually wishing that happens, right?" 

"No, obviously not." I defended. 

"Just because he doesn't need to sleep doesn't mean that he won't wanna hold your hand and have a cuddle-" 

"I'm not a fourteen year old girl." I huffed. 

"That's why I'm not treating you like one, Dean." Jody said sternly. "We are both adults so we can talk about how important it is to have physical affection. You understand me?" 

Jody's tone reminded me so much of Bobby that I almost laughed. 

"Yeah, I guess." 

"Good. Now you listen to me, Dean. Cas is more human than you think, he wants to be as close to you as much as you wanna be close to him. So get over yourself and let yourself do whatever feels right. Even if it does make you feel like a fourteen year old girl." 

"But he-he never really initiates anything." I swallowed. 

"He's an angel, kid. He doesn't understand the rights and wrongs with most human interactions. Never mind the physical interactions of people in a relationship. My guess is he's just scared of doing something wrong. Believe me, he wants to be closer." 

"I mean when you put it like that..." 

"I know. I'm always right." She laughed. 

"Alright." I rolled my eyes. "Enough about me.Is Sioux Falls still standing?" 

"For now." Jody sighed. "Got some new cops that need breaking in next week so that should keep me busy at least." 

"Hunting not enough for you now?" I chuckled.

Jody laughed. "Keeps me on my toes for sure, Dean. It's getting late. We should both be getting some sleep huh?"

"Yeah, I guess you're right. Night Jody. Thank you." 

"Welcome. Night, Dean." 

I sighed as I hung up the phone. 

Maybe Jody had a point. 

Cas had turned into quite the hugger and it wasn't exactly recently. I remembered back in the hospital when he first woke up and he had pulled Sam and I into a hug. 

But that was when he was actually insane. 

And in Purgatory he hadn't hugged me back. 

But there was-

There was when I told him he had to go. 

_"You can't stay." I grit my teeth after I said it._

_I could see Cas trying to figure out what I meant._

_I could see the cogs turning in his head and I could see the realisation on his face._

_I quickly turned away._

_"O-okay, Dean." Cas nodded and looked down before standing up._

_God, why did he have to look like I just broke his damn heart?_

_He never stayed with us anyway._

_This shouldn't._

_It shouldn't feel like it did._

_But it did._

_And Cas could feel it too I was sure._

_I swallowed._

_"I'll drive you buddy. Just give me a few minutes. Stay here." I reached to pat him on the shoulder but Cas sat down and dodged out of my reach._

_Fair enough._

_Sam's in danger._

_Sam's in danger._

_Sam's in danger._

_Look out for Sammy._

_That's my job._

_Not watching over Cas._

_I shook my head as I went to my room, pulling out one of the old back packs I kept there._

_It wasn't in the best condition but it was just until he could get settled. He'd get a new one._

_Where the Hell was I gonna take him anyway?_

_I pulled my wallet out._

_$57.39_

_Dammit._

_He could probably afford a motel for a couple days, not a train or a bus ticket to get the Hell away._

_I'd do that._

_I'd make sure he was at a safe distance._

_I owed him that at least._

_I owed that to Sam too._

_Sam's laptop caught my eye on my desk._

_I quickly searched for bus tickets._

_Nevada- Cas probably wouldn't like Vegas._

_Arizona-No. Too many snakes._

_Nebraska- Ezekiel would probably get pissy about it being too close still._

_Illinois- Jimmy was from there. No._

_Idaho-_

_Idaho._

_I printed the bus ticket and folded it, shoving it inside the backpack along with the $57.39._

_I could drive him to the bus station and tell him what to do._

_Cas had taken buses before._

_He knew how to do that._

_But maybe I could explain it properly to him._

_But maybe he'd want to speak to Ezekiel._

_Ezekiel wouldn't like that._

_I groaned internally on the way to the kitchen, some sandwiches to last him to Idaho. It's a long ass drive after all._

_I stopped in my tracks when I got back to the library._

_Cas looked so lost and small._

_Sat at the table, staring at his hands, his knees together under the table, his ankles crossed._

_So human._

_So fragile._

_No._

_It's Cas._

_Cas is going to be fine._

_I cleared my throat and nodded at him to follow me._

_Cas looked up and instantly looked down again before standing up and following me to the impala._

_Cas walked ahead and leaned against the impala, waiting for me to catch up._

_Was I walking more slow than usual?_

_Or maybe Cas was just a fast walker?_

_Why did this feel so wrong?_

_"Ready?" I asked._

_"Of course." Cas nodded, finally looking at me instead of the floor or the walls._

_"I uh-I got you some stuff to uh-keep you going until you get on your feet y'know?" I gave him the backpack, it felt lighter than it probably should be but Cas wouldn't notice._

_Cas looked at me again. I nodded at him to open it up._

_He could ask for anything else he needed._

_I'd buy it on the way._

_Cas' hands were shaking as he tried to unzip the bag, a strange look on his face. Like he was injured._

_He'd just been brought back by Ezekiel and there was no way he could of hurt himself in the few hours he'd been here._

_I snatched the bag back when it was clear he wouldn't be able to open it, his hand shot up to his chest once the bag was in my hands again, he closed his eyes as I opened it and breathed heavily for a few seconds._

_I swallowed. "It's uh-it's all I got for now." I scratched the back of my head. "But you got a bit of food, some money in there that should last you a little." I explained._

_It really wasn't much._

_But Sam would be better soon._

_I'd get Cas back._

_I'd set him up real good here with us._

_We'd laugh about this._

_We would._

_"What's that?" Cas asked shakily, looking at the envelope with the bus ticket._

_I was hoping I could explain that in the car._

_I picked it up. "It's a bus ticket, buddy. I uh-I had to print it off. Should get you outta town."_

_"I can't stay in Lebanon?" He asked, his hand moving from his chest so he could take the envelope from me._

_Oh God._

_I couldn't believe I was even doing this._

_This is Cas dammit._

_Cas._

_I sighed as he opened the envelope._

_His face fell._

_I saw his eyes fill up with tears, his bottom lip wobbled._

_"Cas-" I started._

_Cas shook his head and blinked quickly, his face slowly getting back to normal._

_"It's okay, I understand." He zipped up the bag and got into my car._

_It was clear that it wasn't okay._

_He didn't understand._

_This was so wrong._

_This wasn't what was supposed to be happening._

_I swallowed the lump in my throat but no words were able to come out._

_Not when I got into the car._

_Not whilst we set off._

_Not when we stopped to get gas._

_Not when we were finally on the way to the bus station._

_Cas didn't say anything either._

_He just sat and stared out of the window, one hand holding the strap on the backpack his other hand over his chest._

_What could I even say to him?_

_The angel that you told me to trust doesn't want you anywhere near him or my brother's gonna die?_

_I couldn't let that weigh on him._

_But when we were finally at the bus station it got so much more real._

_When would I see Cas again?_

_Would he be okay?_

_Did he understand that the only reason I'd do this is if it was necessary?_

_Did he understand that I didn't want to do this?_

_He had to know that._

_"I'll call you." I pulled him into me, the angle was awkward in the car but I felt both of Cas' hands move and pull me closer to him, his head was in my shoulder._

_"Okay." He nodded into me._

_I pulled away and Cas looked away again, his eyes were filled with tears again, his bottom lip wobbling again._

_"Look, Cas. I'm sorry it's just-"_

_"It's okay, I understand." Cas nodded shakily, blinking quickly._

_"I'll call." I promised._

_Cas clearly tried to smile at me but didn't do very well at it as he got out of the impala, shutting the door gently._

_I fought the urge to yell at him to get back in._

_We could figure out a way to handle this._

_But I couldn't play with Sammy's life like that._

_I couldn't lose Sammy._

_I wasn't losing Cas by doing this._

_I'd have him back._

_I forced myself to set off, trying not to look back at Cas through the mirror._

_But I did._

_He still looked so small in his unfamiliar clothes, stood with his shoulders hunched both of his hands close to his chest._

_I couldn't make out his expression but I knew it wasn't a good one._

_I'd call him._

_I would._

I grit my teeth as the memory over took me. 

I didn't call. 

Not today. 

I pulled out Dad's journal and started flicking through, trying to get myself tired enough to sleep like Jody had suggested. 

By midnight I put it away and turned off the lamp, trying to get comfy and sleep. 

But Cas wasn't there. 

He was out God knows where doing God knows what. 

Just like last year. 

I shook my head. 

This was nothing like last year. 

Besides, if Cas got into any trouble he had at least half of his grace back now if he didn't need to sleep.

He would be okay. 

One in the morning rolled around and I gave in. 

**Me:** _Can't sleep, want some help?_

 **Cas:** _Do you want me to come and give you a ride?_

 **Me:** _Sure, I'll wait outside for you_

 **Cas:** _Fifteen minutes_

I grinned and turned the lamp back on, shrugging on my clothes again. Surprisingly Sam was still in the library. 

"Where are you going?" He raised an eyebrow. 

"Meeting Cas." I shrugged. "Don't you need your beauty sleep?" 

Sam rolled his eyes. "Have fun." 

* * *

"Just tell me what to do. You're the boss." I grinned as I got into Cas' car, relishing in the fact that he had one hand on the wheel and the other hand was just resting on his leg. 

Nowhere near his damn chest. 

"I just find the people that sleep outside and give them these bags. Just make sure that you don't give these ones to a man." Cas explained and pointed to a carrier bag with tampons in.

"Gotcha. Where do I find them? It's not like I've seen many homeless people around Lebanon to be honest." I asked. 

It was true. 

The day that I had to pick Cas up from the soup kitchen was the most homeless people I'd ever seen in Lebanon. 

I'd only seen the odd few when I went to the store or something. 

"We can go together. There's only three bags." Cas shrugged. 

"Sounds good to me." 

"Just try and not be too loud if you see someone with a dog, they can get very aggressive if they think that we're the police or something." Cas parked at our usual diner and pulled the bags out of the car with him. 

The story Cas had told about his 'friend' at Jody's replayed in my head as I took the bags off him. "Cops have a bad rep with homeless people huh?" 

"I guess so." Cas nodded. 

His nod seemed like he understood what they meant. 

I had made sure the friend he was talking about wasn't Jerry. 

But what if-

"Cas, wait." I grabbed his arm. 

"What is it?" He turned, tilting his head. 

"Y'know at Jody's when you were talking about the bad cops?" 

He nodded.

"You were talking about you right?" I asked, trying to keep his eyes on mine. 

"I didn't think it was that bad. If I knew you'd all find it that bad I wouldn't have said anything." Cas explained, shifting on his feet. 

He didn't want to talk about it. 

But I had my answer. 

Yes. 

It was him. 

"I'm gonna guess that kinda stuff happens a lot to homeless people then?" 

"Everyone I've met has a story similar." 

"Man, that's fucked up." I sighed. 

"I know that Jody's not like that." Cas assured me quickly, I watched his hands carefully. 

Were they going to move to his chest? 

I knew what it meant now more than ever. 

"Damn right she isn't." I swallowed and checked quickly that there was no one around before pulling him in to kiss him on the forehead. "Least you know you're never gonna be in that position again, right?" 

"Right." He nodded as I pulled away. 

He didn't seem as convinced as I wanted him to be. 

"I promise, Cas." 

"I know." He smiled softly and reached out to squeeze my hand. 

I squeezed back. "Where do we go first?" I let go. 

"I've already been to the bus shelters and the back alleys. So the park and under the bridge in town are left." 

"What about the bus station?" I asked. 

I was sure I'd seen a few homeless people hanging around there before. 

"I-I uh-I don't really go there." Cas stuttered. 

"Why-oh-oh right. Okay. How about I go there, you go to the bridge and we meet back at the park?" 

Stupid. 

Damn stupid. 

Cas nodded. "That sounds okay. There might be people I miss there." 

"Okay." I squeezed his shoulder. 

"If there's someone awake talk to them about the soup kitchen and try and get them to come." 

"Got it. Text me when you're heading to the park, Cas." I searched his face quickly. 

He seemed to be okay. 

He was good. 

I made my way over to the bus station. 

I hated that I didn't realise Cas wouldn't go here. 

Of course he wouldn't come here. 

I bet he feels bad about it now too. 

Goddammit. 

I shook my head and searched around the place until I heard some rustling. 

"Hello?" I called. 

"We ain't harmin' no one staying here." Came a gruff voice. 

"I ain't a cop." I held my hands up as I approached. 

"Shove off then." 

I rolled my eyes and carried on. "I uh-I've got some stuff for you if y'want it?" 

Finally I saw them. Two people huddled together under the barely there shelter. 

My eyes had adjusted to the dark so I could make out that it was a man and a woman. 

Both of them were skinnier than they should be, their cheeks hollow and pale. 

I swallowed the lump in my throat. 

Cas had looked skinnier when I saw him last year. 

I just put it down to him adjusting and probably being forgetful about eating regularly. 

He forgets to eat half the time now but I guess that was because he was used to going without food. 

"What stuff?" The man asked. 

"See for yourself." I handed him both of the bags, the woman opened her eyes and looked at me warily. 

The man opened up the bags and I could tell he was trying to hide his reaction but I saw it. 

He was happy. 

He was so damn happy over a toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, a hairbrush, some razors, shower gel, cough medicine, soap, shampoo and conditioner. 

All of that I had plenty in the impala and in the bunker and in each of my hunting bags. 

None of it was in the back pack I gave to Cas. 

It was so obvious now how much it would of helped. 

"Man, thank you." The guy looked up. "The name's Carl, this is my wife, Darlene." 

"You're welcome, man. I'm Dean." I held my hand out. 

"My hand's pretty dirty." He sighed. 

"Like I care." I rolled my eyes, keeping my hand out. 

He shook my hand. 

He wasn't lying. 

His hand was freezing, thin, bony and dirty. 

But at that moment it was like I was just seeing Cas last year. 

It didn't matter how dirty Cas was, I'd still touch him and shake his damn hand. 

Why should this guy, Carl, be any different? 

"Why are you doing this?" The woman, Darlene spoke up. 

"I uh-It's complicated." I shook my head as I took a seat beside them both, damn the floor was cold. 

"Were you like us once huh?" She asked. 

I shook my head. "My-my friend." 

"That's the oldest lie in the book." Carl chuckled. 

"No. It's true. He uh-he ended up like you guys and-and I didn't know. He told me last week." 

"Did you help him out?" Carl asked. 

"Not when he needed it." I sighed. "He does this though. Spends all damn night walking around talking to people, spends all his money on them and I never really understood why. But-" 

"Now you do." Darlene smiled and shivered. "So you're helping him." 

I nodded. "Yeah. He turned this awful thing into something good and I guess I wanna be a part of it." 

"If we ever get a home again we're gonna set up a real shelter here." Carl chewed his bottom lip. "There's nothing in Lebanon for people like us." 

I shook my head. "There's a soup kitchen." 

"Where?" Darlene asked, her eyes going wide. 

"It's just a five minute walk from Joey's diner in town. My friend, he works there sometimes. Told me to tell you about it." 

"I had no idea there even was one." Carl huffed. "No more dumpster diving huh, doll?" 

Darlene looked down and scowled. 

She was embarrassed. 

Dumpster diving? 

No. 

No way was that a thing. 

Did Cas ever have to do that for food? 

Sam said he only ever went to one soup kitchen. 

Oh Cas, no. 

I swallowed the lump in my throat yet again. 

"It's on every night except Sunday I think." I said quickly. "Soup, sandwiches. It's not fine dining but it's-" 

"It's a meal." Carl chuckled. "Thank you, man. You're a hero." 

I shook my head. 

That's not me. 

"I'll leave you guys to it. I'll let my friend know to see you at the kitchen." I nodded and stood up, I made sure I shook both of their hands before I left. 

My knees were weak as I walked away. 

Goddammit. 

Every single time I thought I understood what happened with Cas something else seems to crop up. 

Dumpster diving. 

I wouldn't ask him about that. 

But next time that guy got even slightly hungry he was having a full three course meal. 

As I was walking I spotted a 24 hour store close. 

I pulled my phone out to call Cas. 

"Hello?" 

"Cas? You heading to the park yet?" I asked. 

"Uh-no. Not yet. I'm still with Lindsay at the bridge." 

"I found two people at the bus station so I haven't got any bags left so d'you want me to go to the store and get more things if we see anyone else at the park?" I asked.

Cas went quiet for a minute. "Yes please." 

"Awesome." I nodded to myself.

"Dean?" Cas' voice was quieter. 

"Yeah?" I stopped walking. 

"Can you meet me here please? Under the bridge. You know the one I mean?" He asked, still in his quiet voice. 

"Yeah, sure. Everything okay?" 

"Yes. I'll see you soon." He hung up. 

I scrunched my eyebrows at my phone. 

That was weird. 

**Cas:** _Please can you pick up some medical supplies like a bandage and painkillers?_

Ah. 

He was busy with whoever Lindsay was. 

**Me:** _What kinda injury are we talking?_

 **Cas:** _I'm not sure_

 **Me:** _Yeah, give me ten minutes_

I made my way into the store and practically shoved all of the medical supplies I could see into my arms. 

It wasn't really my money after all. 

Fake credit card scams always served me well. 

Bandages, slings, band aids, anti septic cream, alcohol wipes, pain killers the whole nine yards. 

The clerk raised an eyebrow at me but I shrugged it off and rushed over to the bridge that I knew Cas was at, ignoring my eyes starting to get heavy. 

I couldn't see anything when I got to the entrance. 

"Cas? You down here?" I called. 

"At the end." I heard his voice from the other end. 

Of course I came in at the dark end. 

I stumbled over to Cas and 'Lindsay'. 

Cas was sat cross legged in front of a small woman with a mess of hair on her head, his bag tucked behind her. 

"Let's see then." I smiled at them both. "Dean." I held my hand out. 

"Lindsay." She didn't shake my hand. "Let's see what." 

"I think her wrist is broken." Cas mumbled. 

Lindsay groaned and rolled her eyes in Cas' direction. "Let me guess, your friend here just so happened to be some kinda doctor." 

"Close enough." Cas huffed out a laugh.

I rolled my eyes. 

Knowing how to patch someone up is hardly being a doctor. 

."C'mon, I'll be gentle." I promised and knelt down beside Cas and offered my hand again. 

Lindsay sighed dramatically but shrugged her coat and blanket off, grimacing when she placed her arm in my hand. 

I tried to feel around for any clear signs of a break which should of been easy considering how frail she seemed but the wrist was definitely swollen. 

Lindsay flinched. 

"Sorry." I sighed. "Cas, give me a bit of light would ya?" I mumbled. 

Cas fumbled around in my pockets for my torch but eventually found it, shining the light onto Lindsay's wrist. 

I studied her wrist, it was swollen and a gross purple colour. 

But there were no clear signs of it being broken. 

It didn't seem floppy like Cas' was when Ephriam broke it. 

I slowly moved the wrist around to check for any signs of it being broken that I could of missed. 

Lindsay shouted out and just missed kicking my stomach. 

"Yeah, it's a sprain." I quickly dodged her foot. "Not the worst one I've seen either. It'll be good as new in a couple weeks." 

"So it's not broken?" Cas asked, peering over my shoulder. 

"Nah, I couldn't feel anything and if it really was broken she'd of used her free hand to knock me out after I moved it like that." I grinned at Lindsay who was glaring at me. 

"Nice friend, Cas." 

"He is." Cas smiled back. 

Clearly oblivious. 

I rolled my eyes with Lindsay. 

"Cas, there's some bandages in that bag." I nodded my head towards the bag I'd brought. 

Cas rummaged around and handed me the bandages. 

I opened it with my teeth and started wrapping it tightly around Lindsay's wrist whilst Cas managed to get some pain killers for her. 

I swallowed at the sight of Cas with a bottle of pills in his hands. 

I turned back to Lindsay's wrist. 

Now wasn't the time to think about that. 

"You're gonna wanna rest it as much as you can for a few days but try and move it around at least once a day not too much and if it hurts way too much then stop and rest it longer. It'll heal at its own pace really. This is just to give it the extra support. Pretty sure I've got a sling in there if you want that?" 

Lindsay shook her head. "Thank you. Do I gotta change the bandage?" She pulled her arm from my hand and flexed her fingers around. 

"If you come to the soup kitchen I can change it." Cas smiled. 

Lindsay groaned. "I'll think about it." 

"We'll leave you to sleep." Cas started to stand up. 

"Thanks Cas, Dean." She pulled the carrier bag behind her and put her coat and blanket back on. 

I felt like we should bring her with us, put her up in a motel for the night at least. 

She could have a shower, a hot meal. 

But clearly she wasn't the type to accept help if Cas was begging her to come to the soup kitchen. 

"How'd she do that?" I asked on the way to the park. 

"Fighting. She fights with a lot of people." Cas explained, a sad look on his face. 

"I got enough for three more people, think we'll find anyone?" I changed the subject quickly. 

"If there's anyone here they'll be in the bushes and it's best not to try and leave something there. I'll just leave these bags in my car for next time." Cas explained. "Are you tired yet?" 

"A little."I sighed and sat down on the bench that started this whole thing between us and let my hand slip into his. 

It was almost four in the morning. 

No one would be around. 

As much as I hated it, I still cared. 

"Not quite ready to go home yet." I squeezed his hand. 

I felt it properly. 

Not bony, no cold and not dirty. 

Filled out, warm and clean. 

He pulled himself out of that. 

I didn't help him, not even a little. 

No one did. 

He did all of it. 

And he's not even freaking bitter about it. 

He's still helping everyone he can. 

"Why not?" Cas asked but I barely heard him. 

"You're a hero y'know, Cas." I turned to look at him, Carl's words somehow changing to mine. 

Cas shook his head. 

Just like I did when Carl called me a hero. 

"I don't understand." 

I sighed and smiled. "Of course you don't." 

Cas did his head tilt and narrowed his eyes at me. 

"The way you help these people, man. I just-I never realised how much it means. I guess I never really thought about it. But being out here with you-I can see how much you help out and these people-God what would they do without you? How did you cope when there was no one like you out there in Idaho? I mean-I just-I can't even imagine it. I've always ignored it." It all just came tumbling out like a damn brain fart, hopefully it made sense. 

"Most people do. It doesn't make me a hero, Dean. I just understand them so I know what they need." Cas played it off like it was nothing. 

As usual. 

"I wish you didn't understand." I sighed, squeezing his hand again. 

Warm, clean. 

"Sorry." He mumbled. 

I pulled my hand out of his and wrapped my arm around his shoulders, his head easily resting in between my shoulder and my neck as we looked at the sky. "You've nothing to apologise for. But I-I haven't felt as-I don't even know- _useful_ as I feel right now in a long time. I don't think I've ever felt like this." 

"Do you like it?" He turned and looked over to me. 

"Yeah, Cas. I have no idea how I'm ever gonna make it up to you. What-what I did-I-I mean.There's no fixing it. I can try all I want and you can bet your ass I'm gonna try everything, I'll spend the rest of my goddamn life making it up to you. I didn't-I didn't realise how bad it can be out here. And-and Kansas isn't even that cold right now and I bet the people here are nicer than-"

"Stop." Cas' voice suddenly sounded strained, his shoulders were tense and his hands were moving from his thighs and closer to his chest. 

"Can we go?" He asked quietly. 

I nodded quickly and grabbed the hand that was closest to his chest, holding his hand all the way back to his car. 

I tried not to speak about last year again on the way home but everything I said seemed to make me feel more and more tired. 

In the fifteen minutes it took us to get home I must of yawned at least ten times and almost fallen asleep twice. 

It felt good to strip down to my boxers and fall into bed, using Cas as my pillow. 

"You don't have to spend the rest of your life making it up to me. I forgave you a long time ago. You know that." Cas mumbled once I was half asleep, barely feeling his hand stroking my hair but I could hear his strong heartbeat loud and clear. 

It was hard to think of a good response when I was so close to falling asleep. 

Cas definitely wanted me to just agree with him because I was so tired. 

Sneaky bastard. 

"Yeah." I yawned. "I know, baby." 

"Stop blaming yourself then." He sighed. 

_Angel's are watching over you._

No. 

I'm watching over my angel. 

"Can't. It's my turn to watch o-over you now." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey dudes  
> hope you liked it  
> we finally had a Jody mum talk but to dean which I honestly loved writing especially since jody has the insight that cas does want/need more physical affection from dean.   
> also the dean pov of kicking cas out of the bunker, kinda hurt to write but i hope you enjoyed  
> hopefully a new chapter will be up very soon as I have a few free days now  
> lotta love and stay safe


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey dudes  
> thank you for the comments on my last chapter  
> bit of a trigger warning for mentions of drugs in this chapter  
> this is a bit of a shorter one for you but i still hope that you enjoy  
> lotta love  
> c

**Castiel's POV**

The advantages of having my grace during a case was indescribable, especially a vengeful spirit case. 

Last week I was struggling to see in the dark as my eyes didn't really adjust to the darkness as quickly as Sam and Dean's eyes seemed to. 

My hearing also wasn't as great as theirs was. 

My body tired so easily and ached at the strain of digging the grave. 

But now. 

Now my grace was coming back to me the difference was astonishing, even if my balance was still slightly off due to my lack of wings but I tried not to let that bother me as much as the hole in my chest wanted it to. 

My brain worked so much faster than it did last week; I could figure out the spirits motives and the object that he was connected too much faster than I would of been able to last week. I'd really taken advantage of my ability to think of multiple things at once as an angel before. How had I never realised just how useful it really was? 

Then there was the simple skill of being able to see in the dark. Even Sam and Dean were struggling to navigate around the house when the power cut out and our torches stopped working but I could see almost as well as I could if every single light was on full power.

I saw the spirit coming to attack us before I even heard it, because of my being an angel we were able to outsmart the spirit and trap it in a ring of iron chains on the floor whilst Sam got to burning the object. Dean became so confident that he even started to taunt the spirit by jumping in and out of the circle of iron. 

Last week I would of been worried for his safety but I kept my eyes trained on the spirit, if he came any closer to Dean I would easily be able to pull him out of the ring in time for him to be unharmed. 

The case was easy even with our torches breaking. 

I was useful on cases again which made it impossible not to enjoy it, even if I was getting tired again. 

It had been three days since I'd slept properly, the small nap in the car on the way to Nebraska didn't count according to Dean and neither did the nap in the car on the way back to the bunker. Dean insisted that I get straight into bed and then when I was half asleep he brought in some hot cocoa and let me 'use him as my pillow'. He said that the hot cocoa was a special treat because of how much we 'kicked ass' on the case. 

I fell asleep happy. 

Happier than I had been for a while. 

Everything was good. 

It had been nine days since my last episode and eight days since my last really bad day. 

I hoped it would last a long time. 

I hoped it would last forever now.

* * *

It didn't last forever. 

This was a bad day. 

I'd had nightmares despite Dean sleeping beside me. 

Usually he woke up and then he'd wake me up. 

But I'd woken up three times in the night on my own, struggling the breathe and the only sound I could hear apart from my ragged breathing and pounding heartbeat was Dean's snoring. 

Each time I tried to sleep again. 

I tried to listen closely to Dean's heavy breathing, his steady heartbeat and his snoring. That would usually calm me. 

He was here and he was alive. He wasn't injured. I didn't kill him like Naomi wanted me to. He wanted me in the bunker because I was lay here with him. 

I tricked myself into thinking that everything would be fine before going back to sleep. 

But each time I'd wake up. 

I gave up around seven in the morning. 

Dean was so deeply asleep that he didn't even wake up when I started moving out of his grip to get up. I decided that I wouldn't bother him with my bad day, he'd been so good to me and I couldn't just throw a bad day at him. I'd keep it to myself today. I was sure that by tomorrow I would be back to feeling good again. 

"Morning Cas, you're up early." Sam greeted when I came into the library. 

"Good morning." I forced myself to smile, ignoring the tugs on the hole in my chest. 

It was terrifying how easy it was to get re acclimated to the pain in my chest after it being more bearable for over a week. 

I hated it so much. 

Having a warm cup of coffee sometimes helped the coldness that came with a bad day, if it tasted like molecules I could just deal with it. 

I didn't care. 

"Sleep okay?" Sam asked when I sat across from him with my coffee. 

I nodded. "Did you?" 

Sam scratched his hair. "Yeah, can I ask you something real quick?" 

I nodded carefully, tightening my grip on my coffee cup. 

"So I was just looking around for a case and I've found one. It's a rogue werewolf by the sounds of it." 

"Should I wake Dean up?" I asked. 

Another case so soon might get me out of the bad day but also it could potentially turn it into a really bad day and then Sam and Dean would find out and get worried about me again. 

Sam shook his head. "Just listen to me for a sec, okay?" 

"Okay." 

"It's probably best that just Dean and I do this one. I tried to get Jody, Rudy and just about every other hunter to go for it instead of us but they're all busy and we can't exactly just leave a werewolf to terrorise the town can we?" 

I wanted to ask him why I wasn't allowed to join but Sam had just asked me to listen to him and that usually meant that I shouldn't interrupt. 

The hole in my chest ached. 

**Sam doesn't want you**

Sam waved a hand in front of my face. "Cas? You hearing me?" 

"Yes. You-You told me to listen." I swallowed. 

Sam nodded and smiled awkwardly. "It's just that the case-it's in Idaho so-" 

"Oh." I nodded. 

_Idaho. Idaho. Idaho._

"I tried to get everyone else to go and check it out but-" 

"They're all busy." I repeated what he'd already said with a nod. 

"We'll be outta town for a couple days so it's up to you what you wanna do. You could stay with Jerry or we could drive you to Jody's on the way or something. I mean you could just stay here but-"

"You still don't want me to be here on my own." I guessed, not meaning for it to come out like it did. 

Sam sighed. "Cas, it's nothing against you. I swear it's not. If it was anywhere else I'd be asking you to come with us but because it's there it's just-" 

"Difficult." I nodded. 

"What's difficult?" Dean suddenly came in and sat beside me, his hair sticking up oddly. 

"Sam found a case." I explained quickly and started to gulp down my lukewarm coffee. 

Dean raised his eyebrows in questioning to Sam. 

Sam pushed his laptop to Dean and Dean started reading, his face dropping. 

"Did you call-"

"I asked everyone." Sam sighed. 

"They're all busy." I chewed on the inside of my cheek. 

Dean's frown deepened. "Dammit. Cas, you can't come you know that right?" He said softly. 

I nodded. "I know. I'll stay here." 

"Cas-" Dean started, Sam sighed. 

"I'm fine." I lied. "It's only a few days."

"But-" Sam tried. 

I held my hand up to stop him. "My grace is back and much stronger than it has been for weeks. I don't feel the need to eat anything, this coffee tastes like molecules, I probably won't need to sleep for the days that you're gone and I have plenty of work at the soup kitchen I can keep myself busy with." 

"You check in every day." Dean ordered. 

"Invite Jerry over if you have a bad day." Sam added. 

I nodded in agreement. 

I didn't need Jerry for a bad day. 

If it got really bad then I would. 

But I wouldn't let it get that far. 

Dean let out a big sigh and stood up. "Guess I'll go get dressed." 

"Cas, are you sure you're gonna be okay here?" Sam asked. 

I nodded quickly. "Of course. I used to stay here whilst you went on hunts all the time." 

It was only because I had an episode once that they stopped leaving me alone in the bunker. 

I was fine now. 

They didn't need to worry. 

It was just a bad day. 

"Coffee still bad then, huh?" Sam smiled. 

"Disgusting." I agreed with a forced smile. "See you in a few days, Sam." I said and left the library to head to my room. 

Dean wasn't there. 

I headed to his old room and found him grabbing a silver knife from the wall.

"Hey, Cas." He grinned and put it in his hunting bag. 

"What were you dreaming about?" I asked. 

I knew he'd want to talk about what I should do whilst he and Sam were away but I didn't want to. 

Dean snorted. "I don't know, man. Why the sudden interest?" 

"You usually wake up when I get up." I shrugged. 

Dean shrugged back. "Guess I needed the sleep. What did you dream about?" 

"Nothing." I said too quickly. 

Dean seemed to believe me as he picked up his bag and headed to our room, bundling up some clothes from the dresser. 

"I think it's gonna be four days tops. You sure you gonna be okay?" He turned and faced me once he zipped up his bag. 

"Yes." I swallowed. 

"You can call me any time. Most of it we'll be driving anyway." He shrugged. "Long ass drive." 

I nodded. 

I knew exactly how long of a drive it was. 

17 hours and 46 minutes by bus. 

18 hours and 39 minutes by bus with bathroom breaks for the passengers. 

Around 17 hours and 15 minutes by Sam driving. 

Around 15 hours and 30 minutes by Dean driving. 

Around 16 hours and 20 minutes with Sam and Dean taking turns driving. 

"You gonna miss me?" He winked. 

"Of course." I rolled my eyes. 

Obviously I would. 

What kind of question was that? 

"How much?" He raised an eyebrow. 

"Not enough for you to let a werewolf kill all of Idaho." I smiled. 

"Shame. I'd totally let it happen." He teased.

"You wouldn't." I disagreed. 

"I'd drag Jody outta work so she could go with Sam." He carried on his teasing, pulling me closer to him. 

I found myself smiling and the hole in my chest stopped tugging when Dean's hands were on me. 

It almost stopped aching when his lips were on mine. 

"Gonna miss you too, Cas." He mumbled before leaning in to kiss me again. "Call me anytime you wanna talk." 

"What if you're in the middle of shooting a werewolf?" I asked, tightening my arms around his waist. 

"Then the werewolf's gonna have to wait patiently." He chuckled and kissed my cheek. "Are you gonna go to the soup kitchen tonight?" 

"I think so." I nodded. 

"I'll call you around midnight then." He leaned in once more to kiss me again.

I watched him leave our room and found myself getting back into bed, laying on Dean's side. 

The hole in my chest started to ache the minute he left. 

This was so stupid. 

I heard the bunker door slamming shut and that's when the tearing started. 

That's when my eyes started to burn with tears. 

_No_

I wouldn't let this happen. 

I grabbed the remote for the TV and turned it on, letting the volume go up to the highest setting. 

Hopefully it would drown out all of my thoughts. 

It worked for a while but Dr Sexy just wasn't that interesting no matter how much Dean tried to convince me that it was. 

I groaned and stared at my phone. 

One in the afternoon. 

Four hours and thirty minutes until I could go and get Jerry. 

I could do this. 

I might even be able to turn it around and make it an okay day. 

The library could be organised a little. 

Sam did try and put the books back into their original places but sometimes he did forget where they went and the Men in Letter's didn't really have a very good system. 

Organising the most used books onto one bookcase seemed to distract me from the pain in my chest. 

The first shelf was all of our most used books on demons and demonic possession. 

The second shelf was the books that we had on werewolves and similar creatures. 

The next on vampires. 

The next was on vengeful spirits and ghost possession. 

The last one was on angels. I noticed that a few of the books were missing so I left spaces for them to be filled whenever I had time to find them again. 

The bookcase was much more organised now, it would be much easier to find a book. 

My phone ringing pulled me out of my distraction. 

"Hello?" I answered without checking the caller ID. 

"Cas? Are you coming today?" Jerry spoke quickly. 

"Yes. Why wouldn't I?" 

"Because it's seven." Jerry chuckled. 

_Ache._

An hour late. 

All because I was trying to stop the hole in my chest from hurting. 

How selfish of me. 

I groaned. "Jerry, I'll be there as soon as I can." I hung up and headed out of the bunker in a rush. 

Jerry was chuckling to himself again when I finally showed up. 

"It's not funny." I scowled at him as we served the soup, trying to force my eyes to stop burning. 

"I'm just saying, I've never seen you be late to anything." Jerry smiled. 

"I was distracted." I admitted. 

"Hey don't sweat it, dude. You're still here aren't you?" 

The hole in my chest tugged and pulled until my eyes started to burn more. 

This shouldn't be happening when my grace was so much stronger than it had been. 

"I guess so." 

"What's up with you?" He asked. 

I shrugged. "Nothing." 

"Everything good with you, Sam and Dean?" 

"Why wouldn't it be?" I grit my teeth. 

Jerry shrugged. "I dunno. You just don't seem like yourself." 

_"I dunno, Steve. You just don't seem like yourself." Nora shook her head at me as I stocked up the shelving._

_I sighed. "I'm fine." I lied._

_It had been days since I'd eaten anything._ _Snow was covering Idaho now, taking away all the possibilities of getting food out of the dumpsters. I had no money left from my paycheck since paying that man for the pills so I couldn't buy any food. Nora was being extra vigilant with not wasting any food._

_Then there were the nightmares. They were constant and relentless. More frequent when I had to sleep in the park, I assumed it must have something to do with it snowing now. But even when I tried sleeping in the stock room after my shift yesterday I woke up shivering and terrified that Raphael was in the dark room with me, waiting. It had been nine days since my last dreamless sleep._

_I'd finished the rest of the pills too. I felt myself desperately wanting more. But there was no way of paying the man. He would take fifty dollars and I would have to 'blow him'. But if I had no money at all I didn't want to imagine what he'd want me to do._

_But I kept finding myself thinking of asking him what he would have me do._

_Maybe it wouldn't be that bad._

_Nora was right._

_I wasn't myself._

_Who was I anymore?_

_A few years ago I would of been disgusted if one of my brothers or sisters had done even a handful of the things that I had done. But here I was. The one who had done them._

_"Are you sure? Is your wrist any better?"_

_I nodded._

_"Okay, Steve. Just let me know if you need to go home early okay?" She sighed and walked away._

_Awful and horrible feelings started seeping out from the hole in my chest as she said the words._

_She didn't mean any harm._

_But the difference I would of felt if I still had the pills and she'd said that to me would of been astonishing._

_I wouldn't of felt anything at all._

_My chest wouldn't of reacted to her words._

_But I didn't have the pills anymore._

_So my chest did react._

_But it was important to try and ignore the hole in my chest whilst I was at work._

_The shelves needed to be stocked._

_The hole in my chest would still be there at the end of my shift._

"I'm perfectly fine." I said through my teeth. 

"Yeah. Okay." Jerry sighed heavily, raising his eyebrows. "Sam and Dean away or something?" 

I nodded. "They'll be back in a few days." 

"Wanna stay with me until they're back?" 

I shook my head. "I don't need a baby sitter. I'll be fine on my own." 

"Right." Jerry nodded. 

He clearly took the hint that I didn't want to speak anymore. 

Hopefully he wouldn't call Sam about it. 

I'd noticed that Dean tended to speak to Jody about me but Sam and Jerry would speak to one another. 

I tried not to let it bother me. 

But it still did. 

The hole in my chest was getting worse with each hour that I was at the soup kitchen. 

Nothing that usually helped was helping. 

The smell of the soup was unappealing and made my nose wrinkle, trying to imagine the taste of all of the molecules. 

The amount of people that were here wasn't comforting like usual, it usually made me happy because I was helping them. But now it only made me angry and upset. Angry and upset that there were so many people who were sleeping outside and there were only people joining the soup kitchen instead of leaving. 

I knew I would be no help speaking to anyone today so I hung back and let Cindy speak to everyone. 

I was dangerously close to having a really bad day and I didn't know what to do. 

Dean wasn't expecting to speak to me until midnight and if I called before then he could get concerned and demand that I spend the next few days with Jerry. But I had to prove that I was okay. 

Dropping Jerry off at his motel was much faster than usual. 

He seemed to know that I still didn't want to speak so he didn't invite me inside like he normally would, he just told me he'd hopefully see me in the next couple days. I tried to smile at him but the hole in my chest screeched. 

I wouldn't be suitable to drive back to the bunker like this. 

I parked my car at the diner and started walking instead. 

But even that was a mistake. 

It was a cold night and the wind howled and ran right through me. 

Just like it used to. 

Each gust of wind was a sharp reminder of last year, sleeping behind the bush in the park feeling every single change in the weather in my entire being. 

I found myself back in bed as soon as I got back to the bunker, wrapping the sheets and the soft grey blanket around me tightly, still shivering despite being an angel again. 

If Zachariah could see me now he'd probably be laughing. 

Or finding a suitable punishment for being so weak. 

But mostly laughing. 

I hadn't realised just how much the tears were falling until my phone started to ring and it was Dean. 

I wiped my eyes and tried to steady my breathing as if he could actually see me. 

I could control myself for a few minutes. 

Dean would be very tired after such a long drive, he wouldn't stay on the phone for long. 

"Hello, Dean." 

"Hey, Cas. Are you at home?" 

"Yes." I swallowed. "I'm in our room." 

"Ah. I was just wondering because the news says that the weather's pretty rough in Lebanon so probably not the best night for star gazing huh?" He chuckled. 

"Not really. Did you have time to find anything?" I asked. 

"Nah, traffic was bad most of the way here. Only just got here really. I'm gonna get some shut eye for a couple hours and Sam's heading out to see if he can spot the werewolf and jump the gun before we have to put our monkey suits on y'know?" 

"Where in Idaho are you?" I asked. 

Dean sighed. "Rigby. I know I keep asking but are you sure you're good on your own there?" 

"Yeah." I nodded.

Less than twenty minutes away from where I was last year. 

I squeezed my eyes shut so no more tears would escape. 

"I should let you get some sleep, Dean." 

"You sure?" 

"Yes. I'll speak to you tomorrow." I chewed on the inside of my cheek. 

"Okay, Cas. Remember call me if you need me." 

"I promise." I hung up and a sob ripped through my chest unexpectedly. 

Why was this even happening? 

I'd done everything right. 

I'd been working cases. 

I'd gotten my grace fixed. 

I'd been speaking to Dean and communicating properly. 

I'd been helping the people who sleep outside. 

I'd done everything right. 

Why didn't it work? 

I groaned in frustration when my chest wailed again. 

I almost wished that my grace wasn't back so that I could get some sleep.

* * *

"Ain't you a sight for sore eyes?" Dean grinned as he slid into the booth beside me at the diner. 

"Hey Cas." Sam chuckled and flagged down a waitress. 

"How was the hunt?" I asked, feeling myself smile properly for the first time in four days when I felt Dean's hand clasp mine under the table quickly before pulling away.

"Long. Took us ages to find the guy and we were always a step behind him." Sam rolled his eyes and turned to order us food. "Cas, you hungry?" 

"No thank-" I started but Dean interrupted. 

"He'll have his usual, Sammy." 

I rolled my eyes and turned to face Dean. 

He and Sam usually came back from cases with a few bruises and scratches. 

Sam had a bruise going from his jaw to his neck and bruised knuckles but other than that he seemed fine.

But Dean had bruised knuckles, a busted lip and a black eye. Then more bruising around his neck. 

"What happened?" I asked, my eyes trying to find more injuries. 

Dean sighed when Sam rolled his eyes. 

"I uh-I got in a bar fight." 

"When?" I swallowed. 

Why was he in a bar in the first place? 

Dean hadn't gone to a bar in months that I knew about. 

He usually went to bars to 'pick up chicks'.

Was that what he was doing? 

"Can we talk about this at home?" He reached for my hand again under the table but I pulled away and nodded. 

"Of course." 

Dean sighed and started sipping his soda. 

"So, Cas. What did you get up to?" Sam broke the silence. 

I shrugged. "I reorganised the library and Jerry and I walked the dogs yesterday. There's a new dog at the shelter. She's a cocker spaniel called Judy." 

Sam grinned and started a story all about dogs. 

I wanted to listen but I was too distracted by Dean getting into a bar fight. 

What exactly did that mean? 

Was Sam with him? 

If he was with him then why wasn't Sam in the fight too? 

But Sam seemed to find the situation to be funny or at least Dean's embarrassment. 

The food only tasted slightly like molecules which was concerning but what was more concerning was both Sam and Dean looking at my arms each time that they thought that I wasn't looking. 

In the end I just rolled up my sleeves properly as if it was a natural thing for me to do so they could see that I hadn't been lying on the phone and I hadn't had an episode. 

Three really bad days and a bad day didn't equal an episode. 

They didn't know I'd had the really bad days though. 

I'd kept the phone calls brief and simply an exchange of information. 

Maybe it was that that had given me away. 

"Are you gonna go to the soup kitchen today? It's almost six." Dean asked when we were almost finished with our food. 

I shook my head. "I thought since you were both coming back that I would stay at the bunker tonight." 

Dean grinned and tried to hide his grimace at stretching his lip. "Awesome." 

The hole in my chest tugged and scratched at itself despite having Sam just across the table from me grinning and having Dean beside me, his leg touching mine. 

It had been infuriating for the entire time that they'd been gone. 

"Home sweet home." Dean chuckled when we all sat in the library, each having a beer in our hands. 

"What happened in the bar?" I asked quickly. 

I wanted to heal them both but I knew that it was pointless trying as neither of them would accept the help. 

Dean sighed, the smile wiped from his face. 

"Just tell him, Dean." Sam groaned. 

I didn't like the way that Sam was talking and neither did the hole in my chest. 

Dean's lips went into a thin line as he stared at my chest, almost like he could see the hole ripping and tearing at itself. 

I felt my hands twitching over my chest under his gaze. 

_Twist_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey dudes  
> hope that you enjoyed  
> although this fic is coming to an end i still think we have at least five more chapters left maybe more it honestly depends on the length that I want the chapters to end up being.   
> i'm also thinking of doing one more dean pov for a chapter that's coming up and also more towards the end a sam pov if anyone would be into that?  
> anyways, i should be uploading a new chapter very soon because i really don't think i'm going to sleep tonight ahhaa  
> see you soon  
> lotta love and stay safe


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey dudes  
> i know i'm updating within three days ahaha  
> crazy times  
> thank you for all your comments on the last chapter  
> special thank you to Dean O Dorito for making another fanart for this fic, the original one that they made i will be using in a couple chapters but this most recent one I've used in this chapter and I love it and I know everyone else will too.  
> Go check them out on twitter, so talented.  
> https://twitter.com/_Akarist  
> anyway, i really hope that you enjoy this chapter  
> lotta love  
> c

**Castiel's POV**

My chest wouldn't stop aching and twisting as I waited for Dean to speak. 

Sam looked impatient as he stared at Dean's hands tapping on the table. 

"Why do you think I'll be upset?" I chewed on the inside of my cheek. 

Dean huffed out a sort of laugh. "You already seem pretty upset, Cas." He nodded to my hands on my chest. 

I forced them down and set my jaw. 

Dean ran his hands through his hair, his teeth grit when he caught his knuckles on the table. 

"I can heal you if you want? Both of you?" I looked between them. 

Sam frowned. "Just a couple bruises, Cas. Don't waste it." 

Dean just shook his head. 

"Fine. Why did you get in a fight?" I turned back to Dean. 

"Look. I uh-We were just there hustling some pool before we were gonna set off back here." 

Sam was there. 

Why were Sam's bruises more hunting related then? 

He looked like he might of been thrown against something. 

Not in a fight. 

But Dean had clearly been in a fight. 

"We were hustling this guy and uh-he said he just needed to go to his car to get his cash." Dean carried on. 

I didn't know how I was feeling anymore. 

The emotions were confusing. 

I didn't know if I was worried that Dean got into a fight or if I was angry with him for getting into a fight. 

"Did you fight him because he didn't have the money?" I swallowed. 

That didn't sound like something Dean would do. 

Sam wouldn't of let him do that either. 

Dean shook his head. 

"I followed him out. He looked shady as hell." 

"I stayed with the beers." Sam sighed, clearly impatient with Dean again. 

I nodded. 

"He wasn't by any cars so I was getting pissed because I thought he'd just took off but I could hear someone moving around behind the bar, so I uh-I went to check it out." 

I scrunched my eyebrows. 

This was getting more and more confusing with each word that he said. 

How did he get into the fight? 

"The guy. The shady guy we were hustling, he was behind the bar with this uh-this other guy. And they were kinda talking. I just went over and told him to get his ass back in to give me and Sammy our cash." Dean bit his lip. 

What was wrong with him? 

"The guy he was with he was-he was homeless and he kept just staring at me like he wanted me to leave but I wanted our money. I didn't care what him and this guy were doing but then I saw the bottle of pills in the shady guys hand and I just-I just kinda lost it. I was yelling at him and asking what the hell he was doing." Dean groaned, not meeting my eyes anymore. 

_Ache_

"It was a drug deal." Sam explained quickly. 

"Okay." I swallowed. 

"But he-he needed to get the money off this guy so he could pay me and I felt sick, man. All I could think-"

I knew it. 

I knew he thought of me differently now. 

God I hated it. 

I felt my face changing into a scowl and my hands were firmly holding my chest again. I didn't care that Dean was staring at my chest anymore. It was hurting. 

Dean let out a big sigh. "It was the same guy, Cas. The same guy who hurt you." 

"You can't know that for certain. You might of just beat up a random person." I huffed. 

Dean shook his head. 

"How do you know it was him?" 

"Tall, shady looking, dark hair, really hairy, gross looking teeth?" 

I swallowed. 

"Y-yeah that's him." 

Dean nodded. "He got what he deserved, Cas. I should of broken his jaw like I said I would but-"

"I stopped him." Sam interrupted. "The guy he was trying to sell to, we gave him all our cash and sent him on his way so he didn't hurt him or anything." 

I scrunched my eyebrows as I looked at them both. 

"Is the shady guy okay?" I asked. 

Dean forced out a chuckle. "You really give a damn?" 

I nodded. 

"He'll be fine." Sam scowled at Dean. "Are you okay?" 

I didn't know. 

The hole in my chest was howling as it tore and twisted inside of me. 

It had been like this for days now. 

But something felt so much more wrong now. 

Sam and Dean had met the man that I took drugs from. 

They'd spoken to him, Dean had fought with him. 

They both knew he looked 'shady' when I didn't realise that until he was pushing me against the wall after I'd said yes to kiss him for the bottle of pills. 

I felt disgusting. 

Dean described him perfectly but there was so much disgust on his face as he did. 

What must he think of me? 

"I'm gonna go to bed. Are you sure you don't want me to heal you?" 

Both of them shook their heads. 

I heard the chair scraping on the floor as I stood up and made an effort to walk out of the library at a 'normal' pace. 

I lay in bed for a long time. 

Dean didn't come and neither did Sam but for some reason I was glad. 

I didn't want to see them right now. 

They knew the man. 

They'd seen him, spoken to him. 

I couldn't get that out of my head. 

The feeling of uncleanliness seeped through my body, I felt almost itchy with the feeling. 

I knew that it was in my head. My body was perfectly clean thanks to having my grace back. 

But the feeling of grime and that man's breath and grubby fingers all over me wouldn't leave. 

Having a shower would usually help but now, even as the water was near scalding it wasn't helping. 

Even using the 'fancy' and most expensive stuff of Sam's didn't scrub me well enough. 

I let the water fall directly over the hole in my chest, hoping it would somehow soothe it. 

It didn't. 

I forced myself out of the shower once my fingers started to wrinkle. 

When I got back to my room Dean still wasn't there. 

I shrugged it off, he was probably trying to face seeing me after knowing exactly what the man who I'd kissed looked like. 

I understood that and slid into bed, getting as far onto my side as I could in case Dean decided to sleep in here too. 

I knew I would need to sleep tonight. 

Having forced myself to stay awake for the four days that they'd been away had been difficult, especially since they were mostly really bad days. 

But sleep wasn't easy. 

It was far too quiet and the hole in my chest had started up again after being in the shower. 

My eyes had started to burn and sting again too. 

"Cas?" I heard Dean whisper. "You asleep?" 

"No." I mumbled back into my pillow. 

"You wanna be alone or d'you want me here?" 

I shrugged. 

Of course I wanted him here. 

But I couldn't force him. 

I wouldn't blame him if he didn't want to be in here. 

Dean sighed and I heard the door clicking shut, the room dark again. 

I didn't know if he was still in the room at first but then I heard the familiar rustling of Dean stripping down to his boxers and then the bed dipped as he sat down. 

"I-I'm sorry, Cas." 

"Why?" I sniffed. 

What did he have to be sorry about? 

He'd been doing what he promised he would do. 

He told me that he would find the man and he'd hurt him. 

I never expected him to find him but it wasn't like he'd lied or broken a promise. 

"I shouldn't have hit him. I should've just scared him and given the kid the money." He sighed. 

"I'm not u-upset with you." I shook my head. 

"Then why're you upset?" Dean shuffled around so that he was under the covers. shuffling closer to me. 

"He was d-disgusting." 

"Yeah." Dean sighed. "Takes a real low life to scam money outta homeless people for pool games." 

"Do you think that's what he did t-to me?" I asked quietly. 

I felt Dean nodding, his arm coming up to rest on my side. 

I jerked away. 

"Cas?" He whispered. 

"It's disgusting." I explained.

"What is? Me touching you?" He asked. 

"No." I sighed. "H-he touched me a-and now you a-are and it-it's-I can't ex-expect you t-to be okay with that." I shut my mouth tight so the sob wouldn't escape like it wanted to. 

Dean sighed. "Hey, listen to me okay? That guy-He was scum. He shouldn't of taken advantage of you. I'm so sorry that he did. Y-you don't deserve that. But you can't let him be the reason I can't touch you, Cas. He wins then." 

"Don't you f-find it disgusting?" 

"To touch you?" 

I nodded. "A-after I let him."

"No, baby. I'm touching an angel. How could that be disgusting huh?" 

I wanted to roll my eyes but if I opened them surely more tears would come out. 

"You're never gonna see that low life ever again. And no one is gonna touch you like that if you don't want them to." 

I scrunched my eyebrows. "Y-you're making it sound like-"

"It doesn't matter, Cas. It doesn't matter what he did. If it was barely anything or the whole nine yards. He hurt you and I don't stand for it. He got what he deserved." 

"How bad was it?" 

"Sammy pulled me off him. Ugly bruises for a couple weeks. Sure his wife will have some questions." Dean mumbled. 

"I don't think he'll do it again."

"Definitely not. I told him I'd be watching him." Dean chuckled and shakily moved his arm towards my side again, I shuffled backwards a little to give him more room. 

Dean's hand settled on my side and his forehead rested on my shoulder blade. 

"How did you know it was him?" I asked. "I never did give you a description." 

Dean tensed. "He-he was talking about you." 

_Twist_

"Oh." 

_Rip_

"I kinda just put two and two together." 

I nodded slowly. 

"Your chest hurting?" He whispered after a few minutes of silence. 

I heard my breath catching as he spoke the words out loud. 

Dean's hand suddenly moved from my waist, his hand travelling up until it rested on my bare chest over my hand. 

I moved my hand and placed it over his instead. 

"Better?" He mumbled into my shoulder. 

"A little." 

Dean kissed my shoulder. "Try and get some sleep, Cas. I'm right here." 

_I love you._

* * *

The bad days weren't stopping. 

But at least they weren't really bad. 

I could deal with a bad day with almost no changes. 

I just needed to be careful to not let it become a really bad day. 

Sam and Dean said that they wanted to take a few days off since they'd pretty much done three cases back to back with not much rest in between which I understood. 

The timing was perfect then. 

It didn't matter that the hole in my chest was flaring up.

I could finally repay Dean for taking me on that date a few weeks ago. 

I could take _him_ on a date. 

Of course I had no idea how to do that and I couldn't just copy what he had done with me. 

The internet wasn't helpful as none of the activities seemed like Dean would enjoy them. 

They were all very 'chick flicky' and Dean didn't like that out in public with me. 

I understood that perfectly well. A little. 

"Sam? Can I come inside?" I whispered at the door. 

I heard Sam chuckle but made a noise that sounded like a yes. 

"What's up?" 

I shut the door quietly and looked around his room, it had been a long time since I'd been in here.

It hadn't changed but I noticed that he had changed his sheets from the Men of Letter's brown sheets to red sheets that were similar to my yellow ones. 

"I have a question but I'm unsure if it's crossing a line." I sighed. 

"Ask away." He grinned and patted his bed, moving so he was sat cross legged instead of fully stretched out. 

I nodded and sat down, turning to him. 

"If it is crossing a line I'd like you to tell me and then I can just go and we can pretend that I never said anything." I swallowed. 

Sam gave me a confused look. "Okay." 

"I want to take Dean on-on a date like he took me but I'm unsure on what I should do. I've never really done that before." I looked down at my hands on the red sheets. 

Sam didn't say anything so I looked up and to my surprise there was a soft smile on his face. "That's not crossing a line." He chuckled. 

"It's not? I just thought that since you and Dean are brothers-" 

"Yeah, but me and you are best friends right?"

"Of course." I tilted my head. 

"What kinda best friend would I be if I didn't give you dating advice?" 

I shrugged. 

"A pretty shitty one, man." He smiled. "Besides, I know Dean like the back of my hand so this should be easy." 

I nodded. 

"What's your budget?" Sam asked. 

"I have the credit card that you gave to me." I held it up.

Sam nodded. "You don't wanna be spending too much on a fake credit card just in case though, Cas. How much cash do you have?" 

"A hundred dollars." I nodded. 

Sam pursed his lips. 

"Okay. I'm thinking that you can pay for the dinner with your card and whatever else with your cash. How's that sound? Then you'll still have cash left over too because you'll have to get him pie on the way home." 

I smiled, I already accounted for bringing pie back to the bunker. "Where should I take him for dinner? At the diner everyone stared at us and Dean seemed very angry with them." 

Sam's lips pressed into a thin line. "Yeah, man. People are dicks. You're gonna wanna go somewhere a little more expensive. If you're paying for the food most people won't care if you've got three heads never mind being two guys." 

"That's why they were staring?" I tilted my head. 

Sam smiled softly. "Yeah, Cas. Just ignore them if they stare again or tell them to mind their own business." 

"Is that why Dean gets annoyed?" I thought out loud. 

Sam nodded slowly. "I wouldn't say annoyed though. Has he not talked to you about this?" 

I shook my head. 

Sam sighed and rolled his eyes. "It's complicated, man. Dean he-he cares about what people think sometimes. He doesn't wanna care but he does. He told me he's trying to get over it." 

I nodded. 

That made sense. 

"I thought he just didn't like kissing in front of people." 

Sam nodded thoughtfully. "So I think the best place in town for a steak is the steakhouse across town. Y'know the one?" 

I nodded. "Will Dean like it there?" 

"You know him as well as I do." Sam grinned. "It's a steak and carbs. Course he'll like it. You might need to call ahead and book a table."

"Okay. So we should go there. How do I book a table?" 

"When are you gonna go?" 

"I was thinking today." 

I didn't want to risk having a really bad day tomorrow. 

Today was a bad day but it was closer to an okay day rather than a really bad one. 

There was still the possibility of having a good day if I tried hard enough, it was only ten in the morning. 

Sam nodded. "I'll call and see if there's any space and then we'll figure out what else you can do." He pulled his phone out. 

"Hello?....Yes, I'd like to book a table for two for tonight please......For two....What time do you have available?.....That's great....Yeah uh-Winchester.....Thank you very much." Sam hung up. "You're all set for five tonight." 

I smiled. "Should I just tell them that you called them earlier and booked a table?" 

Sam shook his head. "Okay, so what you do is. You and Dean will walk inside and head up to the podium, and then you will say that you have a reservation under Winchester, table for two at five. Got it?" 

I nodded quickly. "But Winchester isn't my name." I scrunched my eyebrows. "Shouldn't it be my last name?" 

"Cas." Sam sighed. "You don't have a last name." He smirked. 

I rolled my eyes. "My first name then?" 

He shook his head. "Always your last name at a fancy place." 

I nodded. "Alright. I have a reservation under Winchester, table for two at five pm." I practised. "Is that good?" 

"Perfect." Sam grinned. "What else are you thinking? A movie like he took you to?" 

I shook my head. "He said yesterday that all the movies in the theatres looked boring." 

"Okay." Sam nodded and pursed his lips as he thought. "You could take him to the fun fair." He suggested. 

I raised my eyebrow. "I thought that was for children?" 

Sam chuckled. "Yeah but we hardly got to go as kids so trust me, he'll love it." 

"If you're sure." I scrunched my eyebrows. "Should that be after the dinner?" 

Sam nodded. "Just make sure you both let your food settle before you go on any rides." 

"Are you sure this will be okay? What if he doesn't like it?" I worried. 

Sam smiled softly. "He's gonna like it, man. And if it's a huge disaster you can just come home and laugh about it." 

I felt myself frown and Sam chuckled. 

"Go on, go ask him on the date. Keep the fun fair a surprise." He winked. 

"Alright." I nodded and stood up from his bed. "Thank you, Sam." 

"Go get him Tiger." Sam winked again. 

I rolled my eyes at his teasing but headed back to my room to find Dean. 

"Morning Sunshine." He grinned lazily. "Get bored of my snoring, huh?" 

I shook my head. "What are your plans today?" 

Dean shrugged. "Nothin'. What're y'thinking?" He yawned. 

"I-I would like to take you on a date, Dean." 

Dean's eyes went wide despite him being asleep less than ten minutes ago. "A date?" 

"Yes. Like we went on a few weeks ago." 

"Yeah." Dean nodded and pulled himself into a sitting position on the bed. "Yeah, date night. Sounds like a great idea. Want me to see what movies are in the theatre?" 

I shook my head. "I already have a plan." 

Dean smirked. "Look at you, takin' charge." 

I rolled my eyes. "Sam helped." 

"Course he did." Dean laughed and walked over to me, pulling me until we were kissing lazily.

I pulled away from him and smiled, my hands holding his face. 

Dean smiled back softly before leaning in again. 

* * *

I was nervous as I drove us to the restaurant. 

The hole in my chest was flaring up accordingly too but Dean gripped my hand the entire way there which seemed to help. 

I just hoped I could calm down soon. 

I didn't want to ruin this date too. 

That wouldn't be fair on Dean at all. 

"You sure you wanna do this?" Dean mumbled when I didn't make a move to get out of the car. 

I nodded. "Of course. You need to stay in the car though."

Dean scrunched his eyebrows but they smoothed out as soon as he realised I was opening the car door for him, his cheeks a faint pink. 

"I should've seen that coming a mile away." He smirked. 

"It's a date thing you said." I smiled. 

Dean rolled his eyes. "Ready?" 

I nodded and we headed towards the restaurant, Dean stood slightly behind me, looking all over the walls and the carpet as we entered and waited at the podium that Sam had told me to look for. 

"Sir?" A man in a suit that looked similar to our suits asked me. 

"Uh-We have a reservation for uh-five." I swallowed. 

"Name?" 

"Castiel." I tilted my head at him.

Why did he want my name? 

"I don't see-" 

"Oh. Winchester. The name is Winchester." I said quickly. 

The man smiled and looked again at his clipboard. "It says here the table is for two?" He looked at me. 

"Yes." I nodded, looking behind me for Dean. 

He was even further away now, staring at the hygiene qualifications on the wall. 

"Dean." I muttered. 

Dean's head snapped up, his ears pink. "Yeah?" 

"Right this way, gentlemen." The man nodded at us to follow him. 

I quickly followed him to the table and sat down, Dean eventually caught up. 

"Sorry, I was uh-reading." He picked up the water that was already at the table and started to gulp it down. 

I nodded. 

"Can I interest you in something to drink, gentlemen?" 

"Two beers." Dean's voice sounded strained. 

The man nodded and handed each of us a menu each and left the table after lighting the candle in between us. 

"What's the matter?" I asked. 

Dean hid his face with the menu. "Nothing. This is a real fancy place huh?" 

"I don't know." I tilted my head at his strange behaviour. 

Dean nodded behind his menu again. 

"Dean-" 

"I'm fine, Cas." Dean growled. 

I chewed on the inside of my cheek and looked at the menu instead. 

The cheapest thing that I saw was just over thirty dollars. 

It was hard to not think about not being able to justify spending a dollar on a frozen burrito. 

"What do you think you're gonna have?" I asked, trying to get Dean's attention. 

His menu shrugged. 

Maybe this was a bad idea after all. 

"I'll be back." Dean mumbled, finally putting his menu down and heading to the bathroom. 

I wished I understood what was going on. 

Usually Dean and I understood one another very well, much better than other people trying to understand us. 

But I had no idea what was wrong with him. 

**Sam:** _How's it going?_

 **Me:** _I think we're just going to come back. Dean's upset about something._

 **_Sam:_ ** _No, he's being a baby. Stick it out. It'll be worth it._

 **Me _:_** _I'll try Sam_

 **Sam _:_** _I don't want to see either of you here until at least nine. Remember the fair only takes cash so pay with your card for dinner_

I sighed and put my phone away as the waiter came over with the two beers. 

It seemed out of place to be drinking beer in here, everyone else was drinking wine or champagne. 

"Are you ready to order, sir?" 

I shook my head. 

"He's in the bathroom I think." 

The waiter gave me a look that reminded me so much of pity that I couldn't help but glare back at him. 

"He said he's coming back." I growled. 

The waiter nodded and placed the beers down. "I'll give you a few more minutes, sir." 

"Thank you." I picked up the beer and gulped some down. 

No molecules. 

Having not slept or eaten for a few days seemed to be doing the trick. 

Dean took another ten minutes. 

I checked the GPS on his phone like he taught me and I felt around for his longing. 

Both told me that he was still in the building. 

But it didn't stop the hole in my chest from aching slightly more than it had been in the car. 

"Sorry, Cas." Dean sighed as he sat down, loosening his tie. 

"It's alright." I chewed on the inside of my cheek. 

"Have you decided what you want?" 

"Whatever you're having." I shrugged. 

I trusted Dean's taste in food and it wasn't like I'd ever had anything like this before. 

Dean nodded slowly and went to pick his menu back up but he must of decided against it because he set it back down on the table and read it from there.

"We could get the sharing thing for starters?" Dean pointed to the part of the menu he was looking at. 

"Okay." I nodded. 

As if he'd been listening in the waiter arrived suddenly. 

"Are you ready to order, gentlemen?" 

Dean nodded and looked up at him, ordering for the both of us. 

The waiter smiled and took both of our menus. 

"Dick." Dean huffed. 

"What?" 

Dean rolled his eyes with a frown. 

"Doesn't matter. Look, I'm real sorry about before." 

"It's okay." I nodded. 

Dean shook his head. "Nah, it's not. I just-" He sighed and looked around at everyone else in the restaurant. 

"It's just I can't get it outta my head that everyone's staring y'know?" 

"Why would they be staring? No one here knows us." I tilted my head. 

"The candle, the suits, the fancy place?" 

"A date." I nodded. 

"And we're two guys, Cas." 

I scrunched my eyebrows as I remembered my conversation with Sam earlier. I think I understood a little but I wanted to understand all of it. 

"You think that people don't like that?" I asked. 

"People don't, man." 

"I've never understood why." I sighed. 

Dean ran a hand through his hair. "I'll get over it, Cas. I promise I'm trying." 

"Do you not like it?" I asked nervously. 

I couldn't change my vessel now, maybe I could before I died for the first time in Chuck's house. 

But after that I was sure that I couldn't change vessel's. 

Even if I could I wasn't sure that I'd want to. 

This body only had me inside it. No human soul was trapped in here in pain. 

It was just me. 

I thought that Dean liked me being in this body too. Maybe I was mistaken. 

_Twist_

Dean chewed on his lip. "I-I mean I don't care what anyone else is doing. Their lives y'know?" 

"But why-" I started, confused.

"I don't know. I've never been that guy, Cas. Never. I've always had a pretty girl on my arm and we'd get stared at because she was real pretty or we were being too loud or something. But when they stare at us-" 

I swallowed as Dean looked around again, I followed his eyes and I did see a few people looking at us then looking away quickly, whispering to their partners. 

"They're not staring at us because we're real pretty or because we're being loud. All they can see is two guys. That's it. Blame it all on God." He rolled his eyes. 

I huffed. "They'd think differently if they knew our situation." 

Dean suddenly burst out laughing. "Yeah, Cas. They would." 

"I don't understand why they seem to care so much. We're not doing anything to them." 

Dean shrugged again. "Bible bashers, buddy." 

I nodded with a frown. "Is that why you only hold my hand under tables?" 

Dean's cheeks turned pink. "Y-yeah." 

"But Sam wouldn't stare at us." I thought out loud. 

"I know." Dean sighed. "I'm trying, Cas. I promise I am. I know it's shitty but-" 

"It's okay. I don't mind." I disagreed. "It's no one's business if we're holding hands or not." 

"I guess so." Dean gulped down more beer. 

"You found it fine at the diner." 

"It's not as obvious it's a date there." Dean muttered. 

"Oh. Sorry." 

Dean shook his head. "Hey, don't apologise. It's my issue. Not yours." 

"We could go to the diner if you want?" I suggested. 

"No, Cas. You planned this date and we're gonna do it." 

I smiled. "Sam had more of a hand in it than I did." I admitted. 

Dean smirked. "Sneaky bastard." 

By the time our main courses arrived Dean was barely looking over his shoulder at everyone in the restaurant anymore, his foot kept brushing against my ankle and he was talking and laughing as loud as he usually would in the diner if it were him, Sam and I there. 

It was nice to see, I wanted to reach across the table and hold his hand like most of the other people were doing with their partners. But I didn't want to push it. 

"Cas, this is awesome, you gotta try it." 

"I have the exact same meal that you do." I tilted my head at him. 

Dean rolled his eyes and held his fork up. "C'mon." 

I rolled my eyes back but opened my mouth for him to put the steak which was drenched in whatever sauce he'd used. I moaned around it. 

"Good right?" 

"Why does it taste better than mine?" I smiled. 

"Food off another persons plate always tastes better. Scientific fact, baby." 

I grinned back and let him take some food from my plate too. 

Dean laughed as we started swapping the plates over. 

"Could you two keep it down? People are trying to have a nice meal here." A woman close to us glared at us both. 

"We weren't being loud." I argued. 

"Cas, don't-" Dean sighed. 

"We were being quieter than most people here, Dean." I tilted my head and turned back to the woman. "I seem to recall you being very loud not five minutes ago when you were on the phone in the middle of dinner." 

"Dammit, Cas. Stop." Dean kicked me under the table. 

"I know that it's rude to be on the phone during dinner." I carried on. "And I also know that it's rude to interrupt two people having a conversation who you've never met." 

The woman's glare became more intense but it looked like her partner was doing the same as Dean was doing to me and begging her to be quiet. 

"I don't want your lifestyle choice being shoved in my face and I'll bet no one else here does either. Keep it down. At least act like you're not sinners." She rolled her eyes and huffed. 

I swallowed. 

Sinners. 

Was she one of the people that Dean was talking about earlier?

Blaming her dislike on God and Heaven. 

"Does she mean-" I turned back to Dean. 

"Yeah, she does. Leave it." Dean demanded, his foot now far away from my ankle and the smile completely gone from his face. He was looking around the restaurant again. 

What right did this woman have to make Dean feel like he was a sinner? 

I knew Dean. 

I knew him very well and he may sin but he didn't belong in Hell like she was implying that both of us did. 

Dean was the righteous man and is still the righteous man as far as I was concerned. 

"Cas, leave it. I'm serious." Dean's shoulders were slumped. 

I tried to turn back to him but the woman had a smug grin on her face as she looking down her nose at Dean. 

My mind was brought back to the woman in the park who told me that I belonged in the cells. 

She'd looked smug and that she knew she was better than I. 

But this woman in this restaurant. 

She was nowhere near as good as Dean. 

How dare she think that she was. 

"What is your problem with us?" I ignored Dean's scowl and kept my body turned to the woman, fuelled by the anger seeping through my body.

"It's immoral. Not natural. You wanna go to Hell that's fine. Just don't force everyone here to witness your dirty sins." She sneered. 

"You're religious then?" I asked. 

"Cas, I swear to God. Shut up." Dean had his head in his hands now, his ears bright pink and from what I could see his neck was flushed too. 

Dean Winchester wasn't a man who would let someone degrade him and do nothing about it. 

"Obviously. If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them"

"Dammit Cas, don't say anything." Dean muttered, still hiding his face in his hands. 

"No, she's making you feel like you're not good enough, Dean. I won't stand for it." I shook my head and turned back to the woman. "That's one way to interpret that quote." I nodded at the woman. 

It would be unwise to tell her that I was an angel and I knew that Heaven didn't really care about homosexuality and that the Bible was full of errors. 

Dean would be angry if I did that. 

Very angry. 

"Let me guess? You're freaking atheists too?" The woman scoffed. 

"We believe in God." I rolled my eyes. "You know the Bible very well then?" 

"Like every good Christian should." She pursed her lips. 

Her husband I assumed, was now glaring at me instead of telling her to be quiet. 

Dean had given up and instead sat slumped in his chair, his arms folded and looking around the restaurant. 

"Have you considered these verses?" I smiled. " _'Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material-Leviticus 19:19'_. I can see that you've chosen to ignore that one today. What about, ' _Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garment. -Timothy 2:9'_. But I can see that the handbag you have under your chair is by an expensive designer brand so it must of cost you a fair amount of money, then you have the pearl necklace that you're wearing and the matching earrings but they're gold clasps are they not? Surely the only gold you should be wearing is your wedding ring if you follow the Bible correctly? I can see that you have a tattoo on your thigh which isn't covered by your dress which isn't modest like Timothy demanded." 

"If you must know it's my favourite bible verse." The woman's face was screwed up tightly as she glowered at me. "It says-"

" _'Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you. I am the Lord.-Leviticus 19:28_ ' So by just looking at your for thirty seconds I have three and you've been staring at us all night and only have one. Are you done?" I arched an eyebrow at her. 

"All of those are outdated and the first two you said are extremely sexist." 

"I could say the same to you but replace sexism with homophobia. Humans have evolved a great deal, I'd like to think that y-we aren't so archaic." I sighed. 

The woman grit her teeth and scraped her chair on the floor, getting up with her husband following after her. 

"Bitch." I muttered and turned back to Dean who was staring at me with an open mouth. 

"Son of a bitch, Cas. Where did that come from?" He grinned but his cheeks were still pink. 

I swallowed a sip of my beer and scrunched my eyebrows. "I was angry." 

"I could see that." He chuckled. 

"She was making you upset. I didn't like it." 

Dean sighed and looked over his shoulder. "I think it's time we make a move, buddy." 

I followed his line of sight to the waiter that had served us, he was wearing a similar look to the woman who was stood beside him. 

"We haven't finished." 

"Cas, pick your battles. You killed it with her but I don't think we'll do well if we create a scene." He took a last swig of his beer before setting it down. 

I nodded and followed him out. 

"I didn't pay, Dean." I stopped on the way to the car. 

"So?" 

"It's stealing." I raised my eyebrows. 

"I'll go in." He smirked. "No point in you getting all riled up again." He squeezed my shoulder. 

"Use my card." I handed him my wallet. 

"Cas-" 

"Dean. It's my turn." 

Dean rolled his eyes but nodded, shaking my wallet at me as he pushed the doors back open. 

I felt myself smiling now that I knew that Dean wasn't angry with me for arguing with the smug woman. 

Dean was even smiling again, I could see him through the window of the restaurant as he spoke to a different waiter, giving him my card. 

The waiter was laughing at something he'd said. 

Dean came back outside with a grin, handing me my wallet. 

"Free date night next week." He carried on walking to the car. 

"What do you mean?" I asked. 

"The guy I was speaking to, he was the manager and I explained what happened a little. He's raging, man. Told me he's banning that bitch from the entire chain for life and we're coming back here next week, private table and free food and booze to apologise." 

"That seems too good to be true." I smiled. 

Dean nodded at me to get into my car. 

"You really told her huh?" He grinned and gripped my hand once the door was shut. 

I squeezed back. "She can't preach the Bible if she doesn't follow it. I didn't even say anything about loving thy neighbour." I scrunched my eyebrows. "I should of said something about shrimp." 

Dean chuckled. "You were awesome. I shouldn't of told you to stop."

"Are you just saying that because we get a free meal next week." I teased. 

"Might be part of it." He teased back as he leaned in to kiss me gently, his hand on my cheek. 

"Are you still embarrassed?" I asked when he pulled away. 

Dean shook his head. 

"Why didn't you tell her to 'shove it'?" I asked. 

He shrugged. "I don't know. It's complicated. Like I got no leg to stand on." 

"She shouldn't make you feel like that." I huffed, leaning in to kiss him again. 

Dean responded quickly and deepened the kiss. 

"Doesn't matter, Cas." 

I shook my head. "Of course it matters. You're perfect, Dean. You shouldn't let anyone make you think that you're not." 

"Cas-" He started blushing again. 

"No. Listen." I pulled away from him so he couldn't reach me with his lips. "You have been my best friend for years, you taught me how to be a person, Dean. You taught me what was right and wrong and you help me every single day. You help everyone that you meet. You raised Sam. You've been putting up with all of my problems now for months and months and you've forgiven me for all of my mistakes. How can you let her think she's even comparable? You are the best person I've ever known and I've been alive for millions of years, Dean Winchester. I know what a great person is. You're the greatest." 

"You're a real sap y'know." Dean smiled softly. "Y'really think all that?" 

"I know all of that." I nodded.

"C'mere." He pulled me closer to kiss me again. "You're perfect too, Cas." 

_I love you_

"Back to the bunker?" He asked. 

I shook my head. "There's another thing that we're doing." 

"And what's that?" He asked, sliding more to his own side as I started the car. 

"Sam said you'd like it." I smiled, trying not to give away what it was. 

"I hope he wasn't messing with you." He snorted. 

"Me too." I furrowed my eyebrows as I drove with one hand, my other in Dean's hand. 

I remembered Dean saying that it was Sam who hated carnivals because they had clowns but I knew Dean wasn't afraid of clowns and I doubted the kids shows would be there at night time. 

I did some research and at night time the fair wouldn't have any shows, just the rides. 

Dean seemed like the kind of person who would enjoy it anyway. 

I hoped. 

"The fair?" Dean quirked an eyebrow up as I parked. 

"The fair." I nodded. 

Dean broke into a smile. "Awesome. Y'know I haven't been to one of these since me and Sammy ditched the motel room when I was like fourteen." 

"I've never been so we can figure it out." I smiled and let go of his hand before he would pull away. 

Dean walked closely behind me, looking around at all the rides. 

It was worrying to hear so many people screaming but laughing at the same time but I reminded myself that it was a fun adrenaline rush for them so the sound was appropriate. 

"Cas! Dodgems!" Dean grinned wide, turning to me and pointing. His face lit up red and purple by the strange lights. 

I had to say that I was surprised that we weren't the most out of place people here. 

I thought we would be as we were both in suits and ties because of going to the fancy dinner but there were all sorts of outfits and no one really gave us a second glance. 

"What are they?" I asked as I caught up with him. 

"Just watch." He smiled and watched with wide eyes. 

The aim of dodgems by the sound of it was to dodge out of the way but the way that the people here were playing it made it seem like they were purposefully crashing into one another. But no one was upset. Everyone in the cars were all laughing and screaming as they drove into one another. 

"Is the aim to dodge or crash?" I asked Dean. 

"Both." He smiled and turned to me. "When we get on just try your best to crash into me but you gotta dodge me because I'm gonna be trying to crash into you." 

"Will it not hurt?" I tilted my head. 

"Nah. Kids do this." He shook his head. "Just no using your mojo." He teased. 

"I'll stop your car from working so that I can win." I joked. 

Dean gasped. "You wouldn't." 

I laughed along with his dramatic expression. 

Soon it was our turn to get on. 

Dean rushed to the one black car and pointed at me to get into the bright yellow one. 

"Baby and Honey 2.0." He cackled as he sat down. 

I rolled my eyes but sat down in the car he'd pointed out. 

"Press that pedal to go, it's just one pedal okay?" 

"Got it." I nodded and tested the pedal. 

"It'll start working when everyone's in." Dean shouted over again. 

I nodded. 

Once everyone was seated in their cars, granted there weren't many, a family of four by the looks of it all getting into cars of their own. 

It would be easy to avoid them. 

Dean smirked and put on a fake angry face, pretending to rev his car at me. 

I laughed and waited for the car to turn on. 

It was trickier than I expected to control and before I had set off properly I felt myself and my car shudder, then I heard Dean burst out laughing and his car reversing.

"Come get me back." He waggled his eyebrows and sped off around the area. 

I rolled my eyes but figured out how to move properly. 

Dean dodged me very well but every time I neared he let out a high pitched scream which I couldn't stop laughing when he did. However he took advantage of that and managed to collide with me again, cackling as he drove away again. 

I pursed my lips and swerved around the area, Dean screamed as I cornered him, in fits of laughter when I finally collided with his car. 

"Mercy." He wiped his face and sped off quickly only to reverse into me laughing again. 

"I'll get you for that." I yelled back and drove after him. 

"Sure you will." He winked as he drove along side me. 

I swerved my car sideways when he wasn't looking, causing him to crash into the barriers just as the time ran out and we were all told to get out of the cars. 

Dean was still chuckling as we walked down the steps. "What next? Your turn to pick." 

"What are those?" I pointed to something that looked like people spinning in bowls. 

Dean's eyes widened. "Tea cups. They're great. C'mon." He pulled me by my elbow over to the 'tea cups.' 

I let Dean pull me along, we arrived just as they were letting more people on. 

"Do we go in the same one?" I asked, watching as the families and couples were getting into shared ones. 

Dean nodded and picked one right at the back, closing the small gate it had attached when I was inside. 

"What do we do?" 

"You just sit back and relax, this is my time to shine." He grinned. "See this wheel?" He tapped the wheel in the middle. 

I nodded. 

"I spin us around so fast that by the time we get off the ride you're so dizzy you can barely stand up." 

"Where's the fun in that?" I asked. 

Dean snorted. "You'll see." 

I nodded and waited for the man to announce that the ride was starting. 

As soon as the ride started Dean pulled on the wheel as hard as he could with a wide grin, laughing as we were clearly spinning around faster than any of the other tea cups. 

All apart from one, a big muscled man was spinning his around with his four children all laughing and spinning in the cup. 

Dean pursed his lips and pulled harder. 

Soon we were spinning even faster, the other tea cups and the lights all blurring around us as we span. 

Dean was laughing as we spun faster and faster. 

"Told you it was my time to shine." He winked and wobbled as we stumbled out of the cup. 

I rolled my eyes and smiled. 

Dean didn't need to know I'd been touching the side of our cup and releasing a little grace to make it spin a little faster. 

He didn't need to know that at all. 

Not when he was smiling that much even if we were both stumbling through the fair ground. 

"God, you'd think one of us would be able to stand up straight." Dean laughed and loosened his tie more. 

If anything my balance was worse than his, I kept finding myself almost on the floor but quickly grabbing a railing. 

Dean ended up holding me by my shoulders as we walked to a candy stand. 

"Candy floss?" I asked. 

Dean smiled. "Tradition." He handed the man at the stall some notes. 

I rolled my eyes at him not giving me the chance to pay.

"Go on." Dean handed me a strange looking food item? It was huge and pink but looked almost like it was sparkling. 

I furrowed my eyebrows at it. 

Was I supposed to bite it? Suck it? Maybe lick it? 

Dean chuckled and bit into his gently, ripping off a strange looking piece. 

"What is it?" 

"Heaven." He grinned. 

"You say that about black liquorice." I raised my eyebrows but pulled a piece off like he did and tried it. 

"Not bad?" He asked, taking more bites out of his. 

I considered it quickly. "It's just sugar." 

"Yeah, don't tell Sammy." He beamed as he ate more, moaning. 

I shrugged and ate the rest of the 'candy floss', watching the rest of the fair ground. 

"It's your turn to pick." I mumbled. 

"That." Dean pointed to the largest ride here. 

A huge circle filled with carriages spinning slowly.

"What is it?" 

"Ferris wheel. It's not fast and there's no crashing. Just a nice ride. I bet you can see all of Lebanon from the top." Dean pursed his lips as he looked up. 

"Is it safe?" I swallowed, looking at the hard ground below us. 

It wasn't a big fall but landing would definitely hurt without having my full grace and then I'd have to heal Dean too. 

"Would it be here if it wasn't safe?" Dean smirked. 

I shrugged. "This is my first time." 

He laughed but pulled me along. "We'll be fine." 

I pressed my lips into a thin line as we joined the others waiting to go on. 

"We're in the same carriage again, right?" I asked. 

The thought of having Dean fall out of a carriage and not being beside him to fall down with him or pull him back up made the hole in my chest tug and twist for the first time in a few hours. 

"Yeah, Cas." Dean nodded. "Y'know the stars are out I bet it's a real nice view of them too." He thought out loud. 

I looked up at the sky and agreed. 

"Last time I was on one of these I was swinging it so hard that Sammy didn't stop screaming at me until we were halfway back to the motel." Dean chuckled as we lowered the bar across our laps. 

I shook my head at him. "Please, don't." 

Dean waggled his eyebrows and rocked back and forth as we started moving. 

The carriage rattled and squeaked as we climbed higher on the Ferris wheel. 

"Dean!" I yelled. 

Dean laughed. "Hey, is that a lose screw?" He bent down to the bottom of our carriage. 

I pulled him back up by his shoulder. "Stop it." 

Dean laughed again but wrapped his arm around my shoulder. "I got you." 

"I'll make you walk back to the bunker." 

"That's not very date like." He pouted. 

I rolled my eyes but moved away a little only for Dean to pull me back so I was pressed up tight against his side. 

"But-" I started. 

"Everyone's in their own world up here." He nodded to all the other carriages, apart from the obvious parents with their children they were all couples and they were all sat similarly to us. 

"Oh." I nodded. 

"Almost at the top." He grinned excitedly and kissed the side of my head. 

I sighed contently, feeling the wind blowing through our hair. 

"I like it up here." I smiled up at him. 

Dean smiled back. "Yeah, it's pretty sweet huh?" 

I nodded and swallowed.

Once we were at the top the Ferris wheel seemed to stop for minutes instead of the thirty seconds it had been stopping for every other carriage.

"Look at that view." Dean nodded, his arm still tightly around my shoulders. 

"It's beautiful." I agreed. 

Dean's hand cupped my cheek as he turned me to face him, he slowly leaned in, his cheeks were going pink and I wasn't sure if it was embarrassment or if it was the cold wind but once his lips met mine I didn't mind. Kissing Dean at the top of the Ferris wheel with the entire of Lebanon in view was my new version of Heaven. 

My old home didn't seem to be that special anymore. 

But being up there with Dean, that felt the most special. 

"Thank you for today, Cas. By far the best date." He pulled away, his hand falling from my cheek. 

"Really?" I beamed. 

"Really." 

"Even with that woman at the restaurant?" I asked.

"Yeah, you were bad ass." He winked when the ride started moving again. 

"And we get a free meal next week." I grinned. 

"Free food is always a bonus." He smiled, his eyes wide. "Your turn to pick."

"What's that?" I pointed to a big stall full of huge stuffed animals when we were nearly at the bottom of the wheel. 

Dean grinned. "It's easy when you're as awesome as we are." 

I tilted my head in question at him as we stepped out of the carriage. 

"It's a shooting game. If you shoot one can you get a little stuffed toy, two you get a small one, three a normal one, four a bigger one, five an even bigger one and if you get all six then you get one of those huge ones." He pointed at each size of stuffed animal. "Hey look there's a bee." He winked.

I rolled my eyes. "It happened once, Dean. I wasn't sane." I defended, knowing he was thinking about when I turned up covered in bees a few of years ago. 

Dean laughed hard. "Yeah but you still like bees right?" 

"Yes." I huffed. 

"I'm gonna win you that bee." He pursed his lips. 

"Which one do you want?" I asked, looking at all of the stuffed animals. 

"That tiger's pretty bad ass." He nodded. 

"I'll win that for you then." I grinned and handed the man at the stall the money. 

Soon enough I was focusing on shooting all of the cans down. 

It didn't take much effort now that I could just command my hand to be steady and I could almost easily focus on the exact angle that I needed to aim the pretend gun. 

I shot all of the cans down and the man at the stall rang the bell, shouting that there was a winner.

"Which toy y'wanting?" 

"That tiger, please." I pointed up at it. 

Half way through him pulling it down Dean shot all of his cans and did a victory punch in the air. 

"Another winner!" The man whooped with Dean. "What toy you wanting?" 

"Big ass bumble bee, please." Dean grinned and walked to stand by me. "Told you we'd win." 

"We should get Sam one too." I thought out loud. "It's not fair." 

Dean rolled his eyes but looked at the stuffed animals. 

"What about the dog? Closest he'll get to having one in the bunker." Dean laughed as he spoke. 

"Doesn't Crowley call him a moose? There's a moose toy." 

"He doesn't like it." Dean shook his head, smiling. "I think he'd be pissed off if we brought that home. You wanna win it for him or should I?" 

"You can." I thanked the man for the huge stuffed animals and paid him to let Dean have another turn, finding it tricky with each of the toys under an arm. 

Dean easily won and grabbed the dog toy with another victory punch to the air. 

"Are there any more rides you want to go on?" I asked, looking around at the now bare fair ground. Most people were on their way out. 

Dean shook his head. "I don't think we could all fit." He bumped into the bee stuffed animal toy with the dog one which made me stumble. 

I rolled my eyes. "You're right." 

"I've had a load of fun today, Cas." He smiled as we headed towards the car. 

"It's not over yet." I shook my head and put the prizes in the backseat. 

"What else are we doing?" Dean asked. 

I tapped my nose like Sam did when he meant it was a surprise. 

Dean pursed his lips but nodded as we drove. 

"Close your eyes." I told him as we neared the diner. 

Dean did as I asked. 

"You can't look." 

"I won't." Dean promised. 

"I'll be back in five minutes." 

"Don't be too long, I'll fall asleep." Dean smirked, still having his eyes closed as I parked the car. 

I nodded and shut the door, walking to the diner and ordering a slice of each flavour pie to take away. 

I could probably keep it a secret until we got back to the bunker if I put it in the backseat. 

Dean was exactly how I'd left him when I got back to the car. 

"That you? You didn't lock the doors." 

"It's me." 

"Good, I could of been kidnapped. I was a sitting duck here." 

I rolled my eyes at his teasing and put the take out bag in the back seat, covering it with one of the prizes. 

"You can open your eyes now." I mumbled once we were on the way back to the bunker. 

"Where did we go?" He asked. 

"You'll find out when we get back to the bunker." I grinned. 

Dean huffed. "Secrets aren't good." 

"You're so dramatic." I teased. "It's ten minutes." 

Dean huffed again but reached to take my free hand. "Y'think you're gonna sleep tonight?" 

"Yes." I nodded. 

"Maybe we could finally watch Titanic before we go sleep?" 

I smiled softly. "I still don't believe it's as bad as Balthazar said it was." 

Dean shrugged. "I won't reveal a thing." 

I parked my car just outside of the bunker and handed Dean two of the prizes and told him to go in without me so I could carry in the takeout bag without him seeing. 

When I got inside Sam was laughing at his present and listening to Dean talking about our night. 

"Hello, Sam." I smiled and walked down the stairs, the bag behind my back and the last prize, Dean's, in front of me. 

"Hey, Cas. Have fun?" 

"Yes." I nodded. "I need your help in the kitchen." 

Sam nodded and followed me. 

"Stay in here." I told Dean. 

"Which flavour would you say?" I asked pulling the boxes of pie slices out. 

Sam snorted. "He'll eat them all." 

I nodded my head considering it. He was probably right. 

"I'll just get him a fork then." I pulled one out and set it down on the table with the pies. "Dean!" 

* * *

I lay on my back, my head on Dean's chest as he played with my hair, one of his arms wrapped around me. His hand resting on my chest, just above the hole that was barely causing any problems for now. 

Sleep was coming too soon. 

I didn't want today to end. 

I'd turned a series of really bad and bad days into a good day overall. 

Dean had been laughing and smiling for the majority of the day and so had I. 

I almost forgot about the hole in my chest at multiple times during our date. 

It was perfect. 

"You tired?" Dean leaned down and kissed my hair. 

I shook my head but a yawn gave me away. 

Dean chuckled and turned the TV off, pulling the grey blanket so it was covering us both, his hand going right back to my chest. 

"Cas?" 

"Yeah?" 

"I uh-I know I'm not the best out in public and it's not good but uh-I think-I mean we don't really have a y'know label for us and I keep-I keep just saying that you're my friend but you're obviously not just my uh-friend anymore so-" Dean stammered. 

I pulled my hand up and placed it over the hand he had on my chest, rubbing circles into his skin. 

"It sounds really uh-y'know childish but." Dean swallowed loudly. "You wanna be m-my boyfriend, Cas?" 

"Boyfriend?" I confirmed. 

"We kinda already are but when people ask it's what we say, y'know? Instead of friend." 

"I like that. Yes. I want to be your boyfriend." I smiled. 

Dean's arm tightened around me as he kissed my hair again. 

"Night, Cas." 

"Goodnight, Dean."

_I love you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys,  
> back to the long ass chapters again ahaha  
> I wrote some fluff! Like it's not fully fluff but for me it is ahaha  
> i had a lot of fun writing this chapter and the whole 'cas you don't have a last name' i won't lie i saw it on insta ages ago and couldn't resist.  
> also dean hasn't really expressed a like or dislike for many animals apart from being allergic to cats so I thought I'd go with a tiger for the eye of the tiger scene ahaha  
> anyway, really hope that you enjoy.  
> lotta love and stay safe dudes.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys  
> sorry this took a while work's been taking over my life ahaha  
> also this chapter was a HEAVY one to write and I had to keep taking breaks  
> this is a trigger warning: same warnings as before but for some reason writing this has affected me a little more than previous chapters so it may be the same for you. also trigger warning for the art that i've used too  
> the art i've used is by Dean_O_Dorito again and honestly i was so blown away when they told me that they'd made this by being inspired by this fic, i absolutely love it and i really hope that you guys do too.   
> i would highly recommend checking them out   
> https://twitter.com/_Akarist  
> hope you enjoy and lotta love   
> c

**Castiel's POV**

"Sure you don't want anything? It's been four days." Dean asked as he started cooking dinner. 

I nodded and smiled. "I'm not hungry." 

Dean smiled back. "If you get hungry later just tell me. Pass me that knife?" He nodded to the knife on the counter. 

I raised my hand and moved in slowly towards him. 

Dean rolled his eyes but smiled. "Happy?" 

"Yes." I turned the stove on for him using my grace. 

My grace was fully restored. 

It had been fourteen days since my grace had started to return and I hadn't had an episode since. 

I'd had plenty of really bad and bad days but my grace was still getting stronger since I wasn't using it. 

And now, fourteen days later. 

I could use it as I pleased again.

I'd healed both Sam and Dean even though they both said it was pointless as their bruises were pretty much gone by then, but I still did it. Just because I could. 

I healed myself after I'd healed them. 

My body was no longer full of evidence of my last episode (twenty two days ago) so I no longer needed to put towels up on the mirrors when I would have a shower and I stopped wearing a shirt in bed again. Not that I needed to sleep much recently. I used the time that Dean was asleep to read or scroll through my phone for potential cases, I was sure I knew what I should look for now. 

"I think I'll go to the soup kitchen early today. I haven't seen Jerry much recently." I thought out loud. 

Dean nodded. "You gonna stay out?" 

"I don't think so." 

"Okay. I'll see you when you get home then." He grinned at me. 

"It'll be later than usual, I think I'll walk." I smiled and turned to leave the kitchen, saying goodbye to Sam as I passed by him. 

I felt almost back to myself with my grace being fully restored. 

Everything made sense again. 

If I just ignored the hole in my chests infrequent aches and twists then it was just like I used to be. 

I would have to remember to not use my grace at the soup kitchen though unless I was healing slight ailments. 

* * *

Jerry was laughing, truly laughing as we stood side my side chopping the vegetables for the soup. 

I tilted my head at him. 

"I just-Oh God." Jerry barked out another laugh, holding his stomach. "I can't believe you actually said that to her." 

"She was judging Dean and I on our 'sins' when she was clearly going against the Bible herself." I rolled my eyes. "So of course I would point it out." 

Jerry chuckled again, wiping his eyes. "Seems like a real Karen." 

"I don't know if that was her name."I shrugged. 

For some reason that had Jerry laughing again. 

I shrugged it off and carried on making the soup and telling him more about mine and Dean's date. 

"Where did you even put the prizes? I can't imagine any of you sleeping with a giant stuffed toy." Jerry smirked. 

"They were all in the library at first but Sam and Dean keep hiding each others and I think my bee has been hidden now too." I smiled. "I know Dean's hidden Sam's in the dungeon, chained up." I chuckled. 

Jerry rolled his eyes. "Five year olds." He teased. 

Everything was fine and it was all good. 

Jerry and I had served the soup and everyone had eaten and they were all laughing and joking with one another. 

Jerry was talking to a few of the people who slept outside and I was trying to find a warm coat for one of the larger men who slept outside that would fit him well enough. Cindy was showing around a new volunteer. The other volunteers were cleaning up the kitchen. 

It was so normal. 

And it was so good. 

I didn't know how it happened or why it happened. 

But suddenly the hole in my chest screeched and twisted. 

Harder than it had in almost a week. 

It was already as bad as a really bad day. 

"T-try one of these boxes. Excuse m-me." I pointed at a box that I thought had coats inside and bolted for the bathroom stalls, gasping for air once the door was locked behind me. 

_no no no no no no no no no_

_Not now_

I gripped the side of my head and grit my teeth as hard as I could, tears were already falling down my cheeks as the pain in my chest became more and more unbearable. 

I heard myself let out a groan that would of been a sob had my mouth not been tensed and shut so hard. 

Why was this happening? 

_AcheAcheAcheAcheAcheAche_

_TwistTwistTwistTwistTwistTwist_

_TearTearTearTear_

_CrackCrack_

_AcheAcheAcheAcheAcheAcheAcheAcheAcheAcheAcheAcheAcheAche_

I opened my eyes and shouted out. 

Blood was dripping from my hands, the stall wall had my blood there too. 

_no no no no no no_

"Jerry!" I gasped out. 

"Jerry!" I heard myself screaming. 

Twenty two days. 

Twenty two days that I hadn't had an episode. 

I thought this was over now. 

"Jerry!" I sobbed, trying to force my hands to stay on my chest and away from the stall wall that I had clearly been hitting my hands against. 

"Cas? Cas? What's happening?" I finally heard Jerry's voice. 

"I-I need t-to go." I managed to say before my chest ripped at itself again. 

"Unlock the stall, dude. Let me in." Jerry said softly. 

I nodded to myself and reached up to unlock it but I caught sight of my bloody and bruised hand.

"Oh God." I gagged at the sight. 

"Cas!" Jerry shouted.

"I-I c-can't." I shook my head, pulling my hand back to my chest again. 

"Episode?" Jerry guess with a sigh. 

**He's sick of you, Castiel**

**You always do this Castiel**

"Y-yes." 

"Alright buddy. I'm gonna get Dean, okay? It's gonna be okay." 

It took all of my strength to keep my hands away from the stall wall and each other whilst Jerry was on the phone with Dean I presumed. I couldn't hear what he was saying over my own pathetic sobs and cries. 

I hoped no one else could hear me. 

I thought this was over. 

I thought-

_AcheAcheAcheAcheAcheAcheAcheAcheAcheAcheAcheAche_

I shouted out when I heard the stall lock being broken but suddenly it was warm. 

"D-Dean?" I stuttered. 

"Yeah, Cas. How about we get you home huh?"

**You don't have a home, Castiel**

**Heaven was your home and you destroyed it**

**You're going to let Dean take you to his home and you'll destroy that too**

**You destroyed everything**

**Heaven, Purgatory, Your brothers and sisters**

**All you do is destroy and break**

**And then you expect Sam and Dean to look after you when you do this**

I tried shoving Dean away. 

I didn't deserve to have him helping me.

He should just leave me in the bathroom stall to carry on my episode and hurt myself, it's what I deserved. 

Dean fought back against me and I was sure Sam was there too. 

My grace had already taken a hit from my episode as I struggled to fight against them both. 

Dean kept mumbling right into my ear but it only fuelled the hole in my chest more and more. 

"S-sto-stop." I begged. "Let m-me go-o." 

I didn't want them to let go. 

But they'd need to let me go if they didn't want me to ruin everything.

* * *

I could hear Dean saying my name over and over again. 

His voice sounded all wrong. 

He sounded scared, worried, upset. 

All of the things that I never wanted Dean to be.

His breath was too warm on my face. 

His arms were wrapped too tightly around me. 

I struggled against him as I tried to get free. 

It was too much. 

Why was he hurting me? He shouldn't be able to now that I had my grace back, no matter how hard he gripped me. 

"Hey, hey. It's me. You're safe." Dean's breath was hot on my face again before a kiss was placed to my temple. 

"Dean" I struggled to speak with my throat hurting but I at least managed his name. 

"Yeah, Cas. I'm here." 

"Let go." I pushed against him again. 

_The soup_ _kitchen_

_The large man trying to find a warm coat_

_Running to the bathroom_

_Locking the stall_

_The stall wall having my blood on it_

_My hands covered in fresh blood_

_Screaming for Jerry_

_The terrible pain in my chest_

I had an episode. 

That's why Dean's hands were tight around my wrists, his arms holding mine in place. 

"Oh no." My breath caught. 

"Cas. Calm down. C'mon, you're okay now." 

"I'm okay." I agreed shakily. "I'm-I'm sorry, Dean." I coughed. 

Dean kissed my temple again. "I'm gonna get you some water. Try and lay down." Dean unwrapped himself from me but instantly pushed me down into the bed and tucked the covers around me tightly. 

And then he was gone.

Everything was hurting. 

My head was pounding. 

My eyes were burning and sore, still filled with tears. 

My neck and shoulders were stiff from being in that position with Dean for as long as I had. 

My arms and legs throbbed with overexertion. 

And my chest-

My chest was even more unbearable than usual. 

Just thinking about it caused a twist that forced a sob out. 

I let myself look around the room then, I couldn't have a really bad day. 

Not after an episode. 

There wasn't anything out of place but my head throbbed at the lamp being on. 

But I didn't have the energy to lean over and turn it off. 

Apparently I did have the energy to untangle myself from the covers and tear off the bandages that I knew would be covering my arms. 

Another sob tore through me when I saw the damage. 

My arms and hands had been perfect. 

Not a scar. 

Not a cut.

Not a bruise. 

Not one blemish to speak of. 

I'd healed everything. 

My arms and hands were the warm suntanned colour and they were that colour all over, they were strong. 

But now-

Through my blurry eyes I couldn't make out any of the suntanned colour. 

Only pink and red. 

Then some blue, green and purple. 

Ugly. 

I grit my teeth and tried to blink away the tears. 

I'd ruined my body _again._

"Cas!" Dean was suddenly by my side. 

"G-go away." I stammered. 

He didn't need to see me like this. 

I would sort myself out and I would be okay in a few minutes. 

" _Stop it!_ " Dean yelled in my face as he grabbed hold of my wrists roughly. 

Pain shot through my wrists straight to my chest as I screamed out and tried pushing him away. 

"Y-you're hurting." 

Why was he hurting me? 

Did he finally realise that I was nothing? 

Was he finally angry about it? 

Finally. 

"Dammit Cas!" Dean yelled more, cursing under his breath. "Sammy! Sam! Get in here!" 

Why did he want Sam? 

Was he going to tell Sam that I was nothing and tell Sam that I was leaving again? 

If Sam saw me and had the same realisation then he wouldn't stop Dean like he said he would. 

I tried shaking Dean off me again, his grip was just getting tighter. 

I tried holding my chest to control the aches but Dean had my arms close to him. 

He knew I needed to hold my chest. 

Why was he doing this? 

I thought-

I thought-

Sam's face was suddenly in front of mine, his hands were more gentle on my wrists but it still hurt. "Hey, listen to me, Cas. Listen."

"G-get off." I wailed. 

"Dean's gonna go and get more bandages. Gonna be me and you in here for about a half hour? That okay?" 

I nodded and tried pulling my hands away from him again as another round of aches ran through my chest. 

Sam moved so he was behind me, finally pulling my hands to my chest but his grip was still strong. 

I didn't understand what was happening. 

I'd finished my episode.

He didn't need to keep me still anymore. 

Why was he hurting me still? 

I struggled more against him. 

"S-sam?" I choked a little as another sob came out. 

Maybe he was angry with me too. 

"Yeah, man?" Sam's teeth were grit. Almost like he was busy doing something else. 

"I-I don-don't understand w-what's happening." I admitted. 

Sam's head dropped and I felt it on top of my head. 

His breathing was heavy and controlled. "Cas, you're having another episode." 

"No." I shook my head angrily. "I-I just-t had one."

"I know. I know. You're having another. Just try and ride it out, man. It'll be over soon." 

"Y-you're ly-lying to-o me, Sam." I argued. 

I tried again to get free from his hands but his grip was firm and I was weaker now. 

If I could get free then I could prove to him that I wouldn't hurt myself. 

But he wouldn't let me.

"I'm not lying to you, Cas." Sam sighed. "We're gonna just ride this out, okay?" 

"L-liar." I yelled, a sharp twist taking me by surprise. 

Sam sighed and held onto me tighter. 

The aches became so awful that I yelled at Sam to let go of me in Enochian. 

It was so much effort to remember how to speak in English when my chest was hurting this badly and Sam understood basic Enochian anyway. 

But Sam still didn't let go. 

Did he not understand that he was hurting me and restraining me for no reason? 

Dean did it too. 

Dean would realise that I wasn't having an episode. 

"I want Dean." I forced myself to speak English again. 

"He's right there." I felt Sam nodding. 

I opened my eyes, ready to see Dean walking inside our room with a shopping bag. 

But he wasn't at the door. 

Dean was sat at the desk, a shopping bag on the desk. 

Dean's head was in his hands. 

"Dean?" I whispered. 

Dean looked up with teary eyes. 

"T-tell Sam I'm o-okay." I felt my bottom lip wobbling as I took in his expression. 

Dean shook his head. "You ain't okay, Cas." 

I shook my head, disagreeing with him loudly, trying harder to push Sam away but Sam remained glued to me. 

"Dean." I wailed. "H-he's hurting m-me. I'm o-okay." 

"Sammy I got him from here." Dean stood up and started walking to the bed. 

Sam moved my wrists for me into Dean's hands and stood up. 

Dean's hands hurt just as much as Sam's did. 

"No no no no no no no no no no." I screeched. "Dean! I'm o-okay. W-why don't y-you underst-stand?" I sobbed. 

Dean shushed me and kissed my hair. "It's gonna be okay, Cas. Me and you can do anything remember?" 

"S-stop hurting m-me." I begged.

* * *

"Some fresh air will do you good, Cas. C'mon. Just a light jog." Sam was holding up some of his jogging clothes that would no doubt be too big for me anyway. 

I noticed he'd picked a long sleeved t-shirt. 

I shook my head. "I want to stay here." 

"Fine. A walk? Just ten minutes." 

"I said I don't want to." I sighed, sipping at my coffee again. 

Sam's lips went into a thin line. "You're usually wanting to go outside right away after-" 

"I don't want to." I snapped and heard my chair scraping as I left to mine and Dean's room. 

My episode was only the day before. 

And I'd had two episodes in one day. 

I didn't want to go outside and have another. 

Especially not in a forest on a jog with Sam. 

I would stay in the bunker.

I barely cared that the door slamming woke Dean up with a jolt. 

"You okay?" He was on alert straight away, checking my arms. 

I huffed at him and slid in the bed beside him, grabbing his arm and tucking it around me. 

Dean smiled and squeezed. "Couple more hours then huh?" 

I didn't sleep. 

Sleeping would lead to nightmares and nightmares led to episodes. 

I'd gone twenty two whole days without one and ruined it with having two in one day. 

That wouldn't happen again. 

I wouldn't let it. 

Feeling Dean's arm wrapped around my waist as he drifted back to sleep helped to relax me but it was difficult to not fall asleep too. 

Luckily he only woke up an hour or two later. 

"Just gonna shower. Back in a few. Sleep for a little longer if you want." He kissed me softly and left the room, grabbing some clothes.

My eyes were starting to get heavy when Dean came back. 

"Hey, you wanna come on a drive with me? I was thinking a long stretch of road, that tape you like on full and we could finish at the diner or we could get take out and bring it home?" 

I shook my head. "Take Sam." 

Dean sighed and came to sit on our bed. "We could help some homeless people out later tonight instead if you wanna get some more sleep so we can stay awake all night?" 

I shook my head again. "I want to stay here." 

"Cas-" 

"No." I huffed. 

Dean let out a big sigh. "How about we see if Jody's up for a visit?" 

"She's working." I argued. 

"I could take you to see Jerry. He's worried after uh-yesterday." 

"He's at work." 

Dean's jaw set. "I'm gonna go wash Baby, wanna join?" 

I nodded and followed him out of our room and into the garage. 

It wasn't like the last time. 

Dean didn't wear his strange shorts and he didn't have loud music on. 

Sam was helping him but I stayed back. 

My eyes were too heavy and tired to focus on a task as important as washing Dean's car. 

The hole in my chest was still wailing like it was warning me of what was going to happen if I moved even an inch. 

So I stayed. 

I stayed sat on the hood of my car and watched Sam and Dean as they washed Dean's car. 

"Cas, can I borrow your car? Gonna go grab some pizza's but Dean's a baby and doesn't want his car getting a speck of dirt on it." Sam smirked and leaned against the hood. 

I nodded. "The keys are inside." I started to get down. 

"Wanna come with?" 

"No, thank you." I mumbled. 

"C'mon, man. It's your car." 

"I trust you." I stepped further away from Sam and my car. 

Sam sighed. "See you in a half hour then." 

"Remember the damn sauce this time Sammy." Dean called after him. 

I followed Dean back to the library, he pat the seat beside him and held his hands out. 

I knew this routine. 

He wanted to check how my arms were healing. 

I closed my eyes and gave him both of my arms. 

"Sorry, Cas." Dean sighed when I flinched. 

The hole in my chest flinched with me and I panicked, thinking it was going to start all over again. 

"Hey. What happened?" Dean's hand moved from my arm. 

I shook my head. "Nothing." 

Dean was quick and wrapped my arms and hands up again in no time, pulling my sleeves back down gently. 

"What's going on in that head of yours huh?" He pulled me into him. 

The hole in my chest didn't get more quiet like it usually did when Dean was so close. 

It stayed the same. 

And that terrified me. 

"I'm scared." I admitted. 

"Scared of what?" Dean rubbed my back. 

"It's gonna h-happen again. I hate it." 

"I know." 

"It hurts s-so much, Dean." 

"I know it does." Dean sighed. "Staying in here isn't gonna stop it happening, Cas." 

"But it might." 

Dean shook his head and pulled away, locking eyes with me. "You can't just stop doing the things you like to do just in case something bad happens. What kinda life is that?"

I shrugged. 

"One that sucks ass." Dean smiled. "You're gonna get through this. I promise. It's just gonna take time. And you're gonna have to fight, Cas. Harder than you've ever had to fight in your life. You can't let this take over you. I won't let it but there's only so much that me and Sammy can do. You understand?" 

I scrunched my eyebrows. 

How could I fight the hole in my chest? 

If I knew how to I would of already. 

I nodded. 

Dean seemed to like my answer. 

"So, please. Please come on a drive after we've had dinner. Me, you and Sammy. If anything bad happens then we drive home straight away and try again tomorrow." 

"But-" 

"Please, Cas?" Dean's eyes searched mine. "For me?" 

"For you." I sighed. 

Dean pulled me in for a kiss, his hands easily going into my hair. 

* * *

I still wasn't sure about going outside on a drive with Sam and Dean. 

Especially when the hole in my chest was so unpredictable. 

One minute it was only aching lighting and had the occasional twist or tear. 

But then the next minute it was aching terribly and screeching every time that I wanted to speak. 

It was impossible to keep up with. 

But I promised Dean that I would try. 

So I would try. 

Sam sat in the backseat and I sat shotgun with Dean. 

Which I refused at first because that was San's place. 

Not mine. 

But they both insisted. 

I watched the town pass us by as the sun started to set, the tape that I liked was playing low, Dean humming along to it as we drove around. 

We ended up at my stargazing bench at the park because somehow we always ended up there. 

It never occurred to me that I'd never brought Sam here. 

I'd been to this park with him but we'd never come to this bench together. 

I sat in between them both, Dean's thigh was pressed to mine as we all watched the stars. 

Sam had even brought a book on stargazing with him that I had written in to correct the parts that were false when I was bored one night as they both slept. 

"You okay?" Dean whispered low. 

I nodded and turned to him, the stars almost as bright as they had been on the day that we'd kissed for the first time. 

Dean smiled. 

I jumped when I felt Dean's hand slipping into mine. 

I turned to him with raised eyebrows, questioning what he was doing without bringing any attention to us. 

Dean shrugged and smiled again. 

I cast my eyes to Sam who was still trying to find a specific constellation from the book. 

I nodded my head towards Sam for Dean to see. 

Dean chuckled and squeezed my hand. 

I felt myself smiling back.

I was sure I saw Sam smiling out of the corner of my eye when I turned back to the stars too. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey dudes  
> i hope you liked it  
> a new chapter should be up soon but let me know what you thought of this one, as heavy as it was i did enjoy writing it.   
> especially the ending with dean holding cas' hand in front of sam  
> sorry it's such a heavy chapter after such a fluffy chapter  
> here's to future fluff ahahah  
> ALSO NEXT CHAPTER IS SAM POV SO STAY TUNED  
> lotta love and stay safe my dudes  
> :)


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey dudes  
> thank you for your comments, i'm so happy that you're all still enjoying this  
> there are only five chapters left after this which is very sad but it's been a hell of a journey  
> now who's ready for sam's pov??  
> this chapter starts at the same time as the previous chapter but it covers before during and after the last chapter, i hope that makes sense  
> and of course i hope you all enjoy  
> lotta love  
> c

**Sam's POV**

It was great seeing Cas back to 'normal'.

Cas hadn't stopped smiling since his and Dean's date and neither had Dean. I wanted to join in with them being happy with each other but I couldn't quite bring myself to do it. 

It was just in the back of my head all the time. 

_How long will it last this time?_

In fairness, it had been just over three weeks since Cas' last episode and even though Cas said that he wasn't keeping track I knew that he was keeping track just as much as I was. It was hard not to. 

His last episode had been awful and the day that followed was him telling us that he was freaking homeless for months. 

He'd done well to stop himself from having more. 

Even though Cas wouldn't admit to it I could tell he was almost always on the edge of having another episode last week. 

But these past few days-

He'd seemed like he was back to his old self. 

Kind of. 

"Got us a case?" Dean asked, sitting down with his coffee. 

I shook my head. "Where's Cas?" 

"Hanging out with Jerry before soup kitchen." Dean shrugged. "He's gonna get flabby using his grace instead of picking things up normally." Dean chuckled. 

I rolled my eyes and smiled.

I knew what he'd meant. 

Just this morning Cas made me a coffee without even going into the kitchen.

What a show off. 

"He's got a real lid on this soul thing now y'know. Don't think we'll have any more problems." 

"Since when are you such an optimist?" I questioned. 

"Are you being a pessimist?" He arched his eyebrow. 

I sighed. "I can't help it. I mean he can't just all of a sudden be better, Dean. Not after everything." 

Dean bit his lip. "I know. But I mean, maybe he won't have another. He's never gone this long without one." 

I nodded. "I guess so." 

"Besides, he's got full mojo back. Didn't even need a nap after he healed us and himself remember. Do you think maybe his soul and grace only did the fighting because his grace was weak?"

"His grace was at full power when he had his first episode, Dean." I disagreed. 

_"Cas, I ain't seeing you going hungry. Eat your damn food." Dean sighed, starting on his burger whilst Cas' sat untouched in front of him._

_Cas glared at the burger like it had personally offended him but his bottom lip kept on wobbling and his hands were shaking._

_I swallowed the bile that rose as I looked at his hands._

_They were just covered in bright red scratches that he'd done to himself._

_"Cas." Dean barked._

_Cas sighed and picked up the burger but it instantly fell when Cas' eyes flashed to his own hands._

_"Yeah, we'll fix you up after dinner." Dean nodded._

_"I don't feel well." Cas whispered, his bottom lip wobbling faster now as he carried on staring at his hands._

_"Dammit Cas. Just please, try at least a bite. That's all I'm asking for buddy. C'mon." Dean sighed._

_Cas' hands were shaky as he picked up the burger again, the grip he had on it making it mushy._

_He clearly didn't want the damn thing._

_I sighed and started to get up to just take the thing away since it was clearly making him worse._

_Cas dropped the burger again, his eyes glazing over as his hands started to scratch at each other yet again, Cas' teeth gritted and tears streaming down his face as he hurt himself._

_I shoved the burger out of sight and caught his hands, pushing them onto his knees._

_"Cas, stop. Can you hear me? Can he hear me?" I turned to Dean who was frozen with a panicked look on his face._

_"Hey, Cas?" Dean cleared his throat and shook Cas' shoulder hard._

_I watched Cas carefully whilst also keeping his hands glued to his knees._

_Cas' eyes moved away from me and turned to Dean, staring at his shoulders._

_"Yeah, he can hear us. Cas, you're spacing out man. What's going on?" Dean asked._

_Cas shook his head violently as a sob ripped through him, his hands straining to be let free._

_I pushed on his hands harder._

_What the hell was going on?_

_Why was Cas trying to hurt himself so badly?_

_What the hell happened in Idaho that was so bad?_

"Yeah, I guess." Dean sighed, running a hand through his hair. "He's gonna be fine though, Sammy. You'll see. Cas is tough." 

I nodded, only half agreeing with his statement. 

I hated thinking of how much worse the episodes had gotten from the first one he'd ever had. 

They'd started out just awful and unimaginable. 

Having your best friend, an angel scratching at his hands and crying. 

But at least then he was kind of aware of his surroundings and the scratches rarely drew blood. 

Somehow in the space of a few months Cas had gotten so much worse and the most heart breaking thing was that he genuinely thought he was getting better. 

I hated it.

I wanted to fix all of this for Cas. 

But the books had nothing. 

I'd read them all at least five times each. 

I knew way more about angels than anyone should ever know but there had never been any record of an angel having both grace and a soul. 

Anna probably did but she died only a few months after regaining her grace. Then again I couldn't be sure that she had kept her soul as her body had apparently been destroyed after she got her grace so maybe her soul was destroyed too? 

Even then her soul didn't seem to have as much of an effect on her as Cas' did. 

Cas cared more than Anna seemed to. 

Not then of course. 

But now, definitely. 

The questions had been running around in my head for months but they'd still remained as unanswered now as they did then. 

"I'm gonna go and read for a while." I sighed and stood up. 

Dean nodded and waved me off halfheartedly. 

I knew it was pointless to try and find anything in the damn angel books again but it couldn't hurt to be prepared. 

Obviously I didn't find anything new. 

Just the same old paragraphs and diagrams. 

If I had to read another word about how angel radio works I was going to lose it. 

I needed a solution or an explanation soon, before Cas' episodes started up again.

It was only a matter of time before one happened and I didn't know if I could take it. 

I had no idea if Dean could, his reactions to each one that Cas had were always all over the place. 

And having another one would destroy Cas. 

Maybe he'd want to try the drugs again. 

I sighed and lay back on my bed with my head in my hands. 

Just how broken and small Cas had seemed that day that he told me was spinning around in my head. 

_"I just need-I need a minute." Dean was looking anywhere but at Cas lay in his bed, just his boxers and socks on. Face down with bandages wrapped tightly over both of his arms and hands._

_Cas was breathing heavily in his sleep, every now and then he would have a few rapid breaths but he went back to normal._

_"Try and get some sleep." I mumbled. "I can stay with him just in case."_

_Dean's jaw set before he stalked out of Cas' room._

_He wouldn't be going to sleep._

_I knew that as well as he did._

_I stared around the room thinking of the changes that we could make to it to make it seem more like his._

_Cas did have a point, it was bare._

_I threw his suit and trench coat into the wash basket and settled at his desk, keeping an eye on him as I thought of ideas._

_What would Cas even want in here?_

_Dean knew him better than I did but there was no point even trying to get Dean to think about that stuff right now, he was probably already half way through his first bottle by now._

_I sighed and listened to Cas' mumbling, it was so quiet that I could barely tell if it was English or not. But he didn't sound distressed so I guessed that it was a good dream._

_He deserved a good dream after the night he'd had._

_But suddenly Cas' body jolted and he was yelling, his hands going up to his head to cover his mouth._

_I rushed over and placed my hand on his back, rubbing circles like Dean did when we were kids and I'd had a nightmares._

_"Hey , shhh, shhh." I soothed._

_"I'm sorry." Cas gasped, laying completely still under my touch._

_"It's alright, Cas. We'll get through this. We always do." I tried convincing myself as well as him._

_"N-no. I broke my pro-promise." Cas tensed._

_"What promise was that?" I whispered, still carefully stroking the circles._

_"Dean will be mad." Cas stared at the wall, not blinking away the tears that were freely flowing down his cheeks._

_"Dean's not angry at you, I promise." I sighed._

_Dean always somehow managed to make Cas believe it was his fault he was angry. And Cas was always stupid enough to fall for it._

_Both of them were as bad as each other._

_"He doesn't know what I did." Cas mumbled, his voice sounding so small and weak._

_It was an awful and unwelcome change to his usual deep and commanding tone._

_I hated it._

_"You wanna tell me?" I crossed my fingers on my other hand._

_"I don't think so." Cas whispered._

_"Y'know me and you have done some pretty bad things over the years, Cas. But we always had our hearts in the right place, we always thought it was the right thing. Dean understands that, he won't be mad at you. I won't be mad at you." I explained, hopefully he'd believe me._

_He could tell me he knew he would be casting all the angels out and he did it anyway and I wouldn't be mad._

_But I doubted it would be that._

_"You can't tell him." Cas' breathing was starting to get too fast for my liking, I rubbed the circles slower in hope that it would help him to regulate his breathing a little more._

_I wouldn't promise to not tell Dean._

_Secrets always broke this family up._

_I wasn't going to keep any more secrets for anyone or have any secrets myself._

_Cas didn't seem to notice how I didn't agree to his terms._

_"I-It was hurting-g really bad, Sam, A-and I-I-I took the pills from the man-n-n."_

_Nothing could of prepared me for Cas saying that._

_Nothing._

_Cas._

_Drugs._

_It seemed like the world stopped._

_Cas._

_Of all people?_

_I could feel his damn heartbeat through his back, it was beating so hard and so fast._

_"What pills were they?" I quickly composed myself._

_"I don't know." Cas admitted._

_Was this recently?_

_Is this why he'd been having episodes?_

_He was high as a kite and it was messing with him?_

_"When did you do that?" I asked, forcing any anger to stay out of my voice._

_"November."_

_I sighed. "How many times did you do it?"_

_"Until it was empty."_

_"Right, but you're not doing it now?" I clarified, crossing my fingers again._

_"N-no."_

_"Alright, Cas." I sighed._

_At least it was when he was human._

_Was this what he'd been trying to keep from us?_

_We could deal with this._

_This was an easy thing to get past as long as he was actually not still taking the damn pills._

_"Who was the guy?"_

_"I don't know. He-He just said it would make me n-not feel anything anymore." Cas' voice muffled because of the pillow, he was still tensed underneath my hand. Terrified._

_"Did it work?" I asked._

_"Y-yes."_

_"You're not gonna do it again right?" I blinked quickly at the thought of Cas all drugged up just to stop feeling anything._

_To feel like a freaking angel again._

_"I don't want you to do that again, Cas." I heard my voice cracking, giving me away._

_Cas didn't seem to notice. "N-no. I didn't like kissing him."_

_Bile rose from my stomach._

_I felt myself get as tense as Cas was, he didn't seem to think it was a big deal._

_But the way he was hiding his face from me told me different._

_God, Cas. What did you do?_

_"W-why did you do that, man?" I forced my hand to start moving again._

_"Not enough money."_

_"Did he hurt you?" I hated myself for asking that._

_But I needed to know._

_I had to know all of this horrible turn of events._

_Cas was actually opening up for once. I was selfish enough to wish it was Dean he was telling and not me._

_But Cas clearly thought that Dean would hate him for this._

_"A little bit, but the pills he-" Cas started, each word making the circles I was rubbing into his back more difficult to keep up._

_"They stopped you hurting." I finished for him._

_I could see that Cas was getting ready to stop opening up, he was panicking._

_He'd revealed too much._

_"Y'know when I was drinking the uh-" I hesitated, just thinking about it filled me with disgust. Disgust I was sure that Cas was feeling too._

_"The demon blood, it was you, Bobby and Dean who pulled me out of it. None of you were happy about me doing it. I can't say I'm happy that you did it but I'm sure you had a reason for it. I had a reason for-"_

_Cas suddenly shoved me away from him and sat up, turning to face me. His eyes red rimmed and a deep scowl on his face._

_"You wanted to save the world, Sam! I was being selfish."_

_I sighed, clearly the demon blood wasn't a good way to relate._

_I was half glad because I really didn't want to start speaking about that again._

_"Dean saw you in November. Were you doing the drugs then?"_

_Cas shook his head weakly. "After."_

_"Why didn't you tell Dean that you weren't okay, man. If he knew he would've helped."_

_I tried to push down that Dean blatantly ignored that an angel that was specifically for giving mercy had come after Cas._

_Cas shook his head. "He was already so ashamed and I just wanted him to be like me again and you too. It was so embarrassing."_

_"What was so embarrassing before the drugs?" I asked._

_"Everything." Cas sighed._

_Shame and guilt was written all over his face._

_Cas was usually so difficult to read, I usually relied on Dean to know if something was wrong with Cas._

_He understood Cas the best, he always had._

_But right now, Cas had each emotion written all over him like a neon sign._

_"Thanks for telling me, Cas." I said quietly when Cas tried controlling his features again._

_"Y'know I know it's not the same thing but I kind of understand, you can talk to me about it more if you want?"_

_Cas shook his head._

_"That's okay. We'll get you through this, man. It's not gonna be like this forever."_

_"You don't know that." Cas stared down at his bandaged hands. "I bet you're disappointed."_

_"Why?" I looked up._

_"You always believed in angels and now you've got me."_

_And if that didn't hit home._

_I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Don't say that man. You're the best angel I've met."_

_And I meant it._

_I truly did._

_No matter what, Cas was the best angel in my opinion._

_"I'm nothing, Sam."_

_"Don't say that, Cas." I whispered._

_He wouldn't believe me._

_I knew he wouldn't._

_Why would he?_

_What had we done to ever make him believe that he was worth something to us?_

_"You won't tell Dean right?" Cas looked up suddenly, worry and fear plastered all over his features._

_I found myself looking away. If I kept looking at him like that I knew I'd cave and make a promise I didn't want to keep._

_"Please." Cas whimpered, his hands starting to shake, the fear on his face more intense._

_"Cas. I gotta let him know what's happening. I'll tell him and lock him in a room until he calms down if he gets as mad as you think he will. But I can't keep this a secret from him."_

_"But-" Cas started,his voice high pitched and strange._

_"Secrets are what ruins us every time, man. You know that." I sighed as he nodded. I tried pulling him in for a hug but Cas jerked away, wrapping his arms around himself instead._

_I supposed I expected that. "Jerry's gone to work, he said he's gonna swing by after he's finished at the soup kitchen. I'm gonna tell Dean to come stay with you or a bit, I won't tell him yet. Maybe you could tell him yourself?"_

_"No." Cas scowled._

_"I thought so. I'll go and get him." I reached out to squeeze him on the shoulder and left to Dean's room._

_Dean didn't answer to my knock so I just walked in._

_As expected he was lay in his bed, with his headphones on and blasting music as he stared at the ceiling._

_"Dean?" I waved._

_Dean jumped and frowned. "Cas still asleep?" He pulled the headphones off._

_I shook my head. "He wants you for a bit."_

_"Is he still-"_

_I shook my head again and swallowed. "Hey uh-"_

_"What, Sammy?" Dean stood up, going to the dresser and pulling out some pjs._

_"I gotta speak to you when Jerry comes to take over."_

_"Why? What's up?"_

_"Something Cas told me. I-uh it can wait until then. Just go cheer him up." I shrugged._

_"Okay?" Dean scrunched his eyebrows at me and brushed past me._

_"Brush your teeth before you go in, you stink like a brewery." I rolled my eyes when I spotted the half empty whiskey bottle by his bed side._

_I waited and waited for Jerry to text me so I could let him in._

_Everything that Cas had said ran circles through my head._

_Cas and drugs just seemed like such a far fetched thing. But I knew Cas and he wasn't lying._

_Then the guy who made him kiss him? That seemed very unlike Cas. I'd seen Cas kiss Meg. And he must of kissed April._

_But kissing to get drugs? That seemed like something Cas wouldn't do._

_And then the man 'hurt' him. What the hell did that mean?_

_I wanted Cas to elaborate but at the same time I really didn't._

_If Cas said it was only a little._

_But then again Cas said he was fine after his most recent torture session so he wasn't the best judge of what was hurting someone badly or not._

_Finally Jerry text me so I raced to let him inside._

_I let him know to go straight to Cas' room so Dean could come back out._

_Dean took longer than I thought he would to get to my room._

_"This better be important, Sam. He's a damn wreck in there." Dean sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets._

_I nodded and stood by the door to stop Dean from storming back to Cas' room when I told him._

_How would I even put this._

_"So-uh-Cas was having a nightmare or something. He woke up all freaked out because he broke a promise."_

_Dean nodded and crossed his arms, his eyes searching my face for clues._

_I sighed. "He really didn't want me to tell you, he's terrified that you're gonna be mad."_

_"Am I gonna be mad?" Dean scrunched his eyebrows. "What the hell has he done now?"_

_"It was when he was human. I don't really think you'll be that mad, maybe a little but not as mad as he thinks."_

_"Right."_

_I let out a big sigh and ran my hands through my hair._

_There wasn't really much reason that Dean would hit the roof._

_It was in November and he wasn't doing the stuff any more and it wasn't like Dean was the cleanest person around when it came to messing around with drugs._

_I'd seen him smoking weed multiple times and he'd mentioned doing other drugs when we were younger too._

_"Spit it out, Sam." Dean huffed._

_"Yeah. So Cas said that when he was human he uh-he took some pills from this guy."_

_I watched Dean's face carefully._

_At first Dean's face fell, his eyes filled up with tears that he furiously blinked back._

_But all of a sudden his entire demenour changed from sad to absolutely furious._

_His body was tense, his hands in fists, his face changing to red, his face set in a deep twisted scowl._

_"He said he only did it because he was hurting and it was in November. So it's not like he's still doing it."_

_Dean's face didn't change._

_"Dean? He's not doing anything now. It was just then." I tried waving in front of his face._

_"You're fucking lying. This is some kinda sick joke, huh?" Dean growled._

_I shook my head. "No. I mean-I wish it was but-uh no. It's real."_

_Dean suddenly moved and just started throwing furniture around my room._

_The lamp was smashed instantly._

_"Don't lie about this shit, Sam! It ain't fucking funny!" He yelled._

_"I'm not lying." I sighed. "Jesus Christ, Dean. Calm down!"_

_Dean carried on yelling and screaming, breaking all of my things whilst I stood guarding the door and watched._

_"He's a goddamn idiot! I told him-I fucking told him, Sammy! He promised he wouldn't ever touch anything!" Dean roared._

_"Dean, he-he clearly regrets it." I bit my lip._

_"Where the fuck did he even get them?" Dean groaned. "It's not like the guy had health insurance to get prescriptions."_

_"This guy-" I winced as I realised I'd have to tell him what Cas had said. "This low life. Cas didn't have enough money so the guy who sold them to him he kissed him and 'hurt him a little' whatever that means."_

_That's when Dean really exploded. "What the fuck does that even mean, Sam?"_

_I shrugged. "He said it was only a little. He didn't really explain what it was but he said he wouldn't do it again."_

_"I'm gonna fucking kill him." Dean screamed and threw half of the books off my desk._

_I sighed. "Dean, why are you so mad at Cas? It wasn't his fault."_

_"He freaking swore, Sam. He swore he wouldn't-" Dean started but then his phone started to ring._

_Dean roared and launched the phone in my general direction._

_I hissed as it cracked with my head. "Dean! You gotta calm down. Cas feels shitty enough about it as it is. The last thing he needs is to think he's let you down and you don't forgive him."_

_"I didn't mean to-" Dean sighed and set his jaw. "I can't freaking believe it-some low life hurt him too?"_

_"Yeah." I swallowed._

_"Why didn't he tell us from the start?" Dean ran a shaky hand over his face._

_"I don't think that's it, Dean. I think it's just part of it."_

_"Dammit Cas." Dean muttered. "Why-Why couldn't he just-" Dean groaned._

_I could see him starting to get angrier again as the words I'd said no doubt repeated themselves to him._

_Dean marched towards me but I held my hand out to stop him._

_"I need to talk to him."_

_I shook my head._

_"You can't talk to him like this, man. He's upset enough as it is."_

_"He's gonna think I freaking hate him." Dean blinked back tears but his jaw was still set and his fists still clenched hard._

_"I'll tell him y'don't."_

_Dean sighed. "He's such a stupid son of a bitch. He could have just called me and told me he was thinking about doing freaking drugs and I would've said no don't be stupid."_

_"Too late." I shrugged with a sigh._

_Dean glowered at me._

_"I'll stick with him tonight. Cool off. Think about what you wanna say before you just word vomit all over him." I sighed._

_Dean pursed his lips._

_"Fine." He growled and pushed past me._

_I followed him to his room but he slammed the door hard._

I sighed hard, I couldn't let Cas even think about doing that again. 

But if it got that bad again how would I even stop him? He was well aware that drugs worked and stopped him from feeling pain. 

It was almost as if Jody knew that I was spiralling when she called me out of the blue. 

"Hey Jody, what's up?" 

"Just checking in. You sound tired, Sam. What's up?" 

I sighed down the phone. "I'm just worried, I guess." 

"Are you boys all okay?" 

"Yeah, yeah. We're all fine." 

"Okay?" Jody sounded confused. 

"No, I mean. We're all _fine,_ y'know. It's almost too good to be true. Cas hasn't had an episode in three weeks and his grace is fully back. Dean hasn't picked a fight with anyone and I'm pretty sure he's only been drinking beer recently." 

"You're waiting for it to all go wrong, huh?" Jody guessed. 

"Exactly. I can't-I can't just wait around for it to all get bad again. I gotta-I gotta do something about it before it all goes wrong again." 

"I understand, Sam. But what can you do? If it's been three weeks I'm pretty sure that means that Cas is keeping a good control of it." 

"That's what he wants us all to think." I huffed. "I'm happy-like I'm over the moon that he's doing better, Jody. I really am. But part of me can't help but think he's hiding how bad it is still. Just so me and Dean aren't worrying." 

Jody sighed down the phone. "Cas is a good guy, Sam. I'm sure if he actually needs help he'll reach out." 

I nodded. 

My mind went back to when him and Dean were fighting so Cas called me to come and get him in the middle of the night because he was about to pass out. 

How a few times he'd text me or Dean when he thought he was going to have an episode. 

How he'd come to me for dating advice a few days ago. 

"I guess you're right." 

"Trust him, Sam. He knows when it gets too much to handle. I guess with the waiting all you can do is hit the books." 

"I've hit the books so many times. There's nothing." I groaned. "I'm pretty sure I'm gonna write a book on this whenever I figure out a solution." I joked. 

Jody laughed. "Not sure the lovebirds would appreciate that too much." 

I snorted. "Yeah, I guess not. They went on another date y'know." 

"Oh, tell me everything. I've got an hour before I head back to work." 

I laughed and started telling Jody everything that had happened from what Cas had actually told me, from Cas coming to me for advice all the way to Dean eating six slices of pie in one sitting when they got home. 

"Aw, it sounds like they're actually getting over themselves." Jody hummed through the phone. 

I ran a hand through my hair. "Yeah, I guess they finally are." 

"It's a damn relief." 

"I honestly thought it would never happen at one point." I chuckled. "But here we are." 

"Here we are." Jody agreed. "I'm pretty sure they should buy you a getaway trip to Hawaii for putting up with their crap for all this time." 

I laughed. "You're telling me. I was only another year away from sending them on a romantic trip to Hawaii." 

Jody chuckled. "It'll all work out, Sam. We don't have much luck at the best of times but maybe our luck is all turning around." 

"I hope you're right. I'll let you get to work. Thank you, Jody." 

"Keep me updated, Sam." 

I hung up the phone with a smile. 

Jody always seemed to know just what to say. 

I was probably just over thinking and worrying. 

Dean knew Cas the best and if he wasn't worried then I shouldn't be worried. 

Dean suddenly burst into my room and nodded at me to follow him, his phone pressed to his ear. 

"Yeah, we're coming now. Just try and pin his arms or something." Dean sighed and threw me the keys to the impala. 

Pinning arms. 

Cas. 

Cas was having an episode. 

Of course I was worrying for the right reasons. 

I hated being right. 

The sinking feeling carried on all the way to the soup kitchen, Dean huffing at me to go faster. 

"I'm not getting pulled over, Dean. Then we won't get there." I growled. 

"He could have anything there, dammit." Dean threw himself out of the car as soon as I'd stopped. 

I huffed and ran after him. 

"Where's Jerry?" Dean marched over to a ginger woman. 

"I think he's in the restroom. You're Cas' friends right?" She smiled. 

Dean pushed past her and half ran towards the rest rooms. 

I grimaced at the sight of all of these homeless people. 

I hadn't realised it was this bad in Lebanon. 

I heard Cas shouting as soon as Dean opened the door. 

"I-I can't get in." Jerry was panicking, pointing at the middle stall. 

"I've got my loc-" I started but Dean raised his leg and kicked the stall door with a loud bang that made Cas scream. "What happened?" I turned to Jerry when Dean didn't shout for me to help him. 

Jerry shrugged. 

"Some guy came up to me and said that someone was shouting me from in here. I didn't even know it was Cas until I got here. But I didn't see anything happen out there, he was just talking to some guy last time I saw him, smiling. He was real happy today." 

I pressed my lips into a thin line. "Yeah." I sighed. "He was." 

So nothing triggered it. 

Nothing. 

_It was getting **even** worse._

"Sam, little help?" Dean grunted from inside the stall. 

It was barely big enough for Dean and Cas to fit inside, let alone all three of us. 

But just the sight of Cas sat there on the floor, blood all over him and the walls, looking so small and helpless but still putting up a hell of a fight with Dean made me manage to get inside the stall. 

Finally I managed to get a good grip of Cas' under arms and pulled him up so he was limp against my chest, fighting and kicking to get me off. 

Dean was leaning heavily on him trying to get him to stop shouting and holding his arms to his chest. 

"S-sto-stop." Cas choked on his tears. "Let m-me go-o." 

"Dammit Cas." Dean grunted when Cas managed to kick him in the gut. 

"Jerry, is there a back door or something? Don't think we should let everyone see this." I sighed, tightening my grip on Cas. 

Jerry nodded. "Yeah, uh-follow me." 

Jerry led us down a murky corridor onto a deserted parking lot. 

"Just through that gate and you're back outside the place. Want me to come with you?" 

I flinched when Cas elbowed me sharply in the ribs. "Nah, stay here man. Tell them he's sick or something. We'll call you later." 

Dean sighed. "Give him here. You're driving." He held his arms out. 

Cas struggled and fought Dean the entire walk back to the car and we probably looked like we were kidnapping him with the way Dean had both of his hands wrapped around Cas' wrists behind his back, forcing Cas to walk in front of him. Then my hand over Cas' mouth to muffle him just a little. 

Thankfully no one was around and we got him into the car with no one seeing us. 

Cas was fully not speaking English now. 

Not one word. 

Just screaming in Enochian all the way home and then once we were there too. 

His eyes were closed the entire time too. 

There was no getting his attention. 

_So much worse._

"Dean-" I tried. 

"Don't." Dean growled, his entire body tense from pinning Cas down like usual. 

"I'm just saying-" 

"I don't wanna hear it, Sam." He shook his head. 

"You can't just ignore it." 

"Watch me." 

"It's Cas. You can't ignore it." 

"You think I don't know that?" Dean snapped. 

"I'm only saying-" 

"Well don't." Dean growled again. 

I grit my teeth and went to the infirmary to get bandages. 

Denial wasn't usually how Dean reacted to these episodes. 

Usually it was between crying and being incredibly angry that it was even happening. 

Never denial. 

_Worse_

I shook my head when I heard Cas begging in Enochian for the pain to stop when I got back to the room. 

Dean was lucky he'd never learnt the language properly. 

He didn't want to hear Cas like this and understand what he meant. 

"I think he's getting tired." Dean sighed. "You can probably do that now." 

I nodded and pulled the chair up, pulling one of Cas' arms free from Dean's grip. 

Cas let out a small whimper but didn't fight against Dean or me. 

I took my time in fixing Cas up, it was mainly bruising. 

But still, Cas wouldn't want to see it so I covered him with bandages anyway. 

I freaking knew this would happen. 

I knew it. 

"Dean-" I tried again. 

"No." 

I sighed and sat at the desk until Cas finally fell asleep. 

"Go get some sleep, Sam." Dean mumbled, his eyes half closed. 

"You sure you'll be okay here?" 

"Yeah, he's flat out. I'll text you when he wakes up." 

"Right." I nodded. "Want anything before I go?" 

Dean shook his head. 

I nodded again and left to my room. 

I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. Not after today. 

Cas was _fine_ this morning. 

Better than fine. 

Even yesterday he was better than fine. 

Telling me eveyrthing that had happened on his date with Dean when Dean was busy making dinner so he wouldn't blush too much. 

I'd barely seen Cas without a smile on his face in days. 

His grace was freaking back. 

I groaned into my pillow. 

I knew it wasn't my fault. 

I knew that for a fact. 

But the fact was that all day I'd been worried about when Cas would have another episode and not hours later he's having one at the soup kitchen of all places. 

I must have eventually fallen asleep because Dean woke me up by throwing a shoe in my general direction. 

"Cas is up. Just getting him some water." 

"Want me in there?" I rubbed my eyes. 

"Nah, he's a bit out of it but I can handle him for a couple hours. But then I'm getting some shut eye." Dean chuckled. 

I nodded and yawned. "I'll get some coffee on." I stretched as I swung my legs out of bed. 

"Sounds good." Dean nodded and left. 

I was barely in the kitchen when I heard Dean yelling. 

"Sammy! Sam! Get in here!" 

Oh God. 

What had happened now? 

It seemed like nothing could be okay for longer than a couple of weeks in this bunker. 

"W-why are you h-hurting m-me?" Cas screamed at Dean who was trying to pin him down. "You al-always hurt me." 

I felt the familiar prick in my eyes but blinked it away quickly. 

I'd pretty much started to think of Cas' episodes like a case we work on. 

Don't get too involved. 

Cas doesn't mean anything he says. 

He doesn't mean to lash out and hit. 

It's not him. 

It's a case. 

Dean clearly wasn't thinking like that because he was screaming back at Cas telling him to calm down and stop punching and kicking. 

"I-I can't d-d-d-do it." Cas wailed and that's when I spotted his arms were bare and more bloody and bruised than they had been last night. 

"Dean, I can handle him for a bit. We're outta bandages though." 

Dean nodded and moved so I could get a hold of Cas. 

"Hey, listen to me, Cas. Listen." I tried to get his focus. 

Cas finally looked at me, panic clear in his face but more than anything, confusion.

"G-get off." He cried. 

"Dean's gonna go and get more bandages. Gonna be me and you in here for about a half hour? That okay?" I searched his face for any understanding or if we were in too deep yet. 

Cas nodded and pulled against my wrists again. 

I grunted and moved so I was in the position that Dean usually had him in. 

"Half hour." Dean mumbled low and left the room, staring at the floor. 

"You're hurting me-e." Cas cried softly, pulling harder against me. 

I swallowed and kept hold of him. 

Just a case.

Not Cas. 

A case. 

"S-sam?" Cas whispered, a whine coming right after. 

It barely sounded like Cas anyway. 

Just a case. 

Not Cas. 

"Yeah, man?" I grit my teeth as Cas' leg managed to escape and kick my shin hard before I caught it again. 

"I-I don-don't understand w-what's happening." Cas cried. 

Not a case. 

Cas. 

It's Cas. 

And Cas is terrified and confused.

I dropped my head so it was resting on his. "Cas, you're having another episode." 

Cas shook his head violently, knocking my head from his. "No. I-I just-t had one." 

"I know. I know. You're having another. Just try and ride it out, man. It'll be over soon."

"Y-you're ly-lying to-o me, Sam." Cas whimpered and struggled against me again, letting out a sob when he couldn't move still. 

"I'm not lying to you, Cas. We're gonna just ride this out, okay?" I heard how shaky my voice was. 

My voice wouldn't be shaky on a case. 

But this wasn't a case. 

This was Cas. 

And this was getting so much worse than I thought was possible. 

"L-liar." Cas suddenly screeched.

"What's goin' on?" Dean mumbled as he came back inside. 

"He thinks he's not having an episode." I sighed as Cas started yelling in Enochian again. 

"Dammit Cas." Dean whispered, putting the bag full of bandages on the desk. "Want me to take over?" 

I shook my head. "You look beat, I got him." 

Dean pursed his lips and headed to the desk chair, sitting down and turning away, his head in his arms on the desk. 

Cas carried on his crying and yelling curses at me in Enochian. 

Demanding that I let go and stop hurting him. 

I didn't think he was aware of much any more. 

But Dean was. 

Dean's back was moving rapidly up and down. 

I couldn't hear any noise over Cas but I knew. 

"Dean?" I asked. 

"I'm fine." He growled. 

"You can go stay in my room if you want?" 

"And leave him here like this?" Dean pulled his head up, tear streaks down his cheeks. "I-I can't do this anymore, Sammy. I can't just keep fucking pretending that everything's okay and it's all gonna be okay. It's not okay. Cas is fucking broken and I can't fix him. You can't fix him. I-I don't know w-what to do, Sam." 

I nodded, feeling the prick in my eye again. 

Not a case. 

Cas. 

"I-I love him, Sam. I can't just g-give up. But he-he wants to give up." 

"He doesn't." I shook my head. 

"I know enough Enochian to know the odd phrase." Dean snapped. "I can't lose him. I-I can't lose either of y-you. A-and this-this is gonna destroy us all." 

I raised my eyebrows at him. "We can figure something out." 

"When?" Dean grit his teeth but turned back to the desk, his head in his hands again. 

I held onto Cas a little tighter at Dean's little outburst. 

I couldn't lose either of them either. 

We would have to make it through this. 

"I want Dean." Cas suddenly spoke in English again, his voice shaky and cracking. 

"He's right there." I nodded towards Dean who stayed still at the desk. 

"Dean?" Cas mumbled. 

Dean dragged his face up, looking to Cas with tear filled eyes and shaky hands. 

"T-tell Sam I'm o-okay." 

And if that little sentence didn't just break me I didn't know what would. 

How could he think that this was okay?

I felt the warm tears escaping my eyes before Dean started shaking his head. 

"You ain't okay, Cas." Dean's voice was even shakier than Cas'. 

Cas yelled out and pushed against my arms.

"Dean." He sobbed. "H-he's hurting m-me. I'm o-okay." 

I looked to Dean for his reaction, he was wiping his eyes and standing up. "Sammy, I got him from here." 

Was I crying that much too? 

I wiped my eyes as soon as Dean had Cas' wrists and sat down. 

I was crying that much. 

"No no no no no no no no no no. Dean! I'm o-okay. W-why don't y-you underst-stand?" Cas wheezed and whimpered. 

"It's gonna be okay, Cas. Me and you can do anything remember?" Dean's voice was low and soothing, a perfect mask over his face. 

"S-stop hurting m-me." Cas begged and I saw the quick flash of hurt in Dean's eyes before he blinked it away. 

We couldn't carry on doing this anymore. 

* * *

Cas had woken up again around seven in the morning, just as I was going for my morning run. 

I heard him getting up when I walked past his and Dean's room, he was trying to be quiet and I guessed it was because Dean was still asleep, snoring loudly. 

I smirked and made my way back to my room to get some more running clothes. 

I found Cas in the kitchen, his hands glued to a cup of coffee. 

"Mornin' Cas." I grinned. 

"Good morning. Sam?" 

"Yeah?" 

"I'm really sorry about yesterday." Cas stared at the coffee. 

"It wasn't your fault." I shook my head. 

"I'm still sorry. You and Dean shouldn't have to deal with it." 

I sighed. "We're gonna figure something out, Cas. I swear. It's not gonna be like this forever." 

Cas nodded slowly.

He clearly didn't believe me.

"Wanna come on a run with me? Always gets me in a good mood. Clears your head." I smiled. 

"No, thank you." Cas shook his head. 

"We'll be back before Dean wakes up." 

"I want to stay here, Sam." 

"Some fresh air will do you good, Cas. C'mon." I tried smiling again, holding up the clothes I'd picked out. 

They'd only be a little too big. 

"I want to stay here." 

"Fine. A walk? Just ten minutes." I tried again. 

"I said I don't want to." Cas sighed. 

I sighed. "You're usually wanting to go outside right away after-" 

"I don't want to." Cas snapped and stormed out of the room. 

I sighed and groaned. 

I could see what was happening a mile away. 

Cas would stay in the bunker and happily never set foot outside again. 

I caught Dean as he headed to the the bathroom. 

"You mind?" He huffed when I stood in front of the door. 

"Try and get Cas to leave the bunker today." 

"What?" Dean frowned. 

"I didn't mean-" I sighed. "I mean, he's refusing to go outside. Try and get him to come outside and do something, anything." 

"Sam, it's been a day. Give him chance." 

"I'm serious." 

Dean huffed and rolled his eyes. "Fine. I'll try. Can I shower now?" 

Dean tried all day to get Cas to go outside with either just him or the both of us and I tried the same. 

But Cas wasn't having any of it. 

He sat and stared at us washing the car with his hands tightly pressed to his chest. 

All afternoon he sat like that. 

He had a careful expression on his face. 

I couldn't quite make out what it was but ut seemed to worry Dean as he kept looking over with a frown. 

Standing in the pizza place Dean text me though which did lift my spirits a little. 

**Dean:** _Don't make a big deal about it but me, you and cas are going on a drive after dinner_

I grinned at my phone and rushed home with the pizzas. 

I noticed how Dean was picking at his food, barely having three slices. 

I was the same, itching to drag Cas outside. 

Cas seemed oblivious to both of us as he took his sweet time with his slices of pizza, as a force of habit putting the crusts onto Dean's plate. 

I knew Cas liked the crust because I'd seen him eat them when it was just Cas and I but every time that Dean was there, without fail Cas would put the crusts onto Dean's plate. 

It was kind of sweet actually. 

Finally Cas finished his pizza and we headed into the garage, I made a bee line for the backseat. 

"That's my seat." Cas tilted his head at me. 

"Nah, you get shot gun today." I smiled and sat in the backseat. 

Cas seemed more confused. "But you always sit shot gun." 

"Not feeling it today." I shrugged. 

"Cas, get in." Dean smiled and rolled his eyes. 

Cas frowned but did as he was asked, throwing me another confused head tilt once we were all sat inside. 

I flicked through the star gazing book I'd brought with us on the way to the park, using the street lights to see. 

I smirked when I saw Cas' corrections in the margins and whenever a big paragraph was angrily scribbled out and an entirely new one was written in a very passive aggressive tone. Clearly by Cas. 

There was one page that was completely crossed out and a new intricate diagram of constellations had been drawn and stuck in with tape. 

I rolled my eyes but I had to admit that Cas' version of events was a lot more interesting to read. 

"What are we doing here?" Cas asked as we stepped out at the park. 

"Nice night." Dean grinned, squeezing Cas' shoulder before walking ahead.

Cas stared up at the sky and nodded before following him quickly. 

I sat myself down beside Cas and opened up the book, trying to match the constellations in front of me to the book. 

Maybe Cas was onto something with coming out in the dead of the night and watching stars. 

It was really soothing to just take a minute and look at the beauty of it. To forget everything else that was going on. 

Not that I could forget fully, but when I looked back down at my book I spotted that Cas' and Dean's hands were intertwined and resting on Cas' knee, a content smile on each of their faces. 

I tried to hide my smile and just look back at the stars.

But, finally. 

Dean didn't even look like he was blushing. 

And Cas-

Cas looked like he would never stop smiling as he stared up at the sky. 

* * *

Of course things could never get better for us. 

When did they ever? 

Jody was wrong. 

Jody said that we were probably going to have some good luck soon. 

She was so wrong about that. 

Cas' episodes seemed to never stop. 

Every other day I was woken up to Cas' screaming or Dean shouting me to come and help him. 

Dean was pretty much never sober. 

I'd not seen him eat a thing in days and he'd definitely not showered. 

Cas refused to leave their room in fear that he would have another one. 

None of us had really slept for longer than three hours at a time in more than a week.

If it wasn't Cas having an episode then it was Dean throwing a bitch fit over something small. 

Then I wasn't helping much either with the lack of sleep and having to try and diffuse each of them every couple hours. 

I didn't think Cas even had any grace left for him to have this many episodes. 

But somehow he managed it. 

Some were worse than others and some only lasted an hour or so. 

But they were still there. 

And my brain couldn't make the switch again. 

It had switched over from 'being a case' to it just being Cas. 

And I couldn't flip it back over. 

It was a living nightmare. 

I didn't know how much longer any of us could cope with it. 

Dean shoved himself down on a chair in the library, a deep scowl on his face. 

"Run outta booze?" I huffed at him. 

"Bite me." He grit his teeth. 

I ran a hand over my face and sighed. "Where's Cas?" 

"Asleep." Dean pursed his lips. "Almost had another but fell asleep. You eaten yet?" 

"Have you?" I arched an eyebrow. 

"Bite me." He repeated. 

I rolled my eyes and groaned. "We can't carry on like this, Dean." 

Dean scoffed. "What else can we fucking do?" 

"You know what we can do." I swallowed. 

"If I knew what to do we wouldn't be in this freaking mess, Sam." He snapped. 

I held my hands up and yawned, pretty much unaffected by his sour mood. 

My sour mood matched it. 

And I was guessing so did Cas'. 

"What we talked about a while ago. It's his grace causing this." 

Dean looked away and bit his lip, the pieces clearly clicking together. 

"I-I told you. He wouldn't-" 

"You said if it got worse then we'd talk to him. This is worse. This is as bad as it gets. We're gonna lose him." 

"No we ain't." Dean growled. 

"If not him then one of us. We're all running off fumes here. None of us are eating or sleeping. You're drinking yourself to death, I'm losing my freaking mind and Cas-" I sighed. "Cas is gonna get worse still. We can't keep going like this. Something's gotta give." 

"And that has to be Cas' grace. Hasn't he given enough?" Dean put his head in his hands. "He'll never say yes." 

"Dean." I swallowed, waiting until he looked back up. "If it doesn't work it's not like we'll just throw it away. We can keep it safe here and if it doesn't work he can have it back." 

"It's not some damn toy." Dean huffed. 

"I know." I grit my teeth. "Look, he isn't getting better. That ship sailed. This might work." 

"If it doesn't?" 

"Then we give it back to him." I chewed on my lip. "I can't carry on like this, man. This isn't living. Not for any of us."

"It's Cas." Dean sighed. "I can't hurt him." 

"This isn't our Cas, Dean. Our Cas is a bad ass. He's smart as hell and can sass anyone into next week." 

Dean half smiled. 

"This isn't our Cas and by letting him keep his grace we're hurting him." I tried. 

Dean's face changed as he listened to me, my words sinking in. 

He winced as he said it. "Okay, we'll talk to him." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey dudes  
> so that chapter was a little long huh?   
> I wanted it to be longer to be honest and have more flashbacks of Sam's pov but I didn't want everything to be too repetitive y'know?   
> So, what did you think?   
> I really hope that you liked it  
> new chapter in a few days  
> lotta love and stay safe :)


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey dudes   
> thank you for all your comments, honestly they make my day  
> this chapter is a heavy one again i'm afraid but we need the heavy stuff to get to the happy ending that i promised ahaha  
> so trigger warnings all around dudes  
> hope you enjoy though  
> lotta love   
> C  
> (also there's another art work by Dean_O_Dorito and i'm IN LOVE with their art, I highly recommend that you check them out!)

**Castiel's POV**

I couldn't believe how stupid and naive I'd been, _again._

I really thought that they had stopped.

I truly believed that. 

But of course they hadn't. 

How could they have suddenly stopped? 

It was foolish of me to believe that. 

Every day seemed to be getting more and more difficult to get through without having an episode. 

I knew that Sam and Dean would want me to leave sooner or later, but I was selfish enough to stay until it was the later. 

I could barely bring myself to think about packing a bag and leaving the bunker and every time that I did think of it, it would set off another episode. 

Some of them were awful, I usually couldn't remember much of what I'd said or done during the episodes but more and more I was remembering. 

I was fully aware of what I was saying, who I was hitting and how hard I was lashing out. 

But no matter how aware I was, I couldn't stop. 

Even when Sam had me pinned to my bedroom floor with his entire body weight on mine, I couldn't stop hitting and thrashing underneath him.

Even when Dean was sat across from me, his hands holding down my legs as Sam held down my upper body, seeing the hurt on his face. I couldn't stop myself from throwing cruel and awful words and phrases his way, my mouth didn't seem to care what Dean's reactions to the words and phrases were, it would carry on regardless. 

I apologised each time. 

How could I not? 

But each time an episode finished it was a countdown until the next one and each apology sounded like it meant less and less and I could hear it, I could see it. 

Of course I meant each apology with all of my heart. But I could see how it would start to mean less and less the more it went on. 

I hated living like this. 

This wasn't living. 

Dean had explained to me first what free will was and how I could have my own life outside of Heaven and choose what I wanted to do with it. He had taught me all of that and it had meant the world to me. It was terrifying and hard at times. But it meant that I had my own path to follow, nothing was set in stone like I always thought it had been. 

But now,

Now I realised that I had no free will. 

I couldn't choose what I could and couldn't do anymore. 

I was more of a puppet now than I ever had been in Heaven. At least in Heaven I could have my own private thoughts as long as I hid them well from my brothers and sisters. Now my private thoughts were always on display. And if Sam and Dean couldn't see them in my behaviour, they were sure to hear me scream it at them both during an episode. 

None of that was my choice. 

It wasn't the path that I wanted for myself. 

But here I was, going down this path almost as if each episode was set in stone. 

And I was dragging Sam and Dean down this path with me too. 

That wasn't fair. 

How could I take away another's free will? 

How could I take away Sam's free will? 

Sam had always tried his best to follow his own path and make his own destiny. Granted that some of the time it hadn't worked, he was a hunter just like he had always supposed to be and he had been Lucifer's vessel just like he had always supposed to be. But he had fought for his own free will time and time again. After all of that fighting, he had come out on top. And I'd taken it away. 

How could I take away Dean's free will? 

He hadn't always tried to make his own path like Sam had. Preferring instead to follow in his father's footsteps and follow his orders. But when it all got too much, Dean fought against it all. He always fought for what he thought was the right path to follow. Pulling me along with him and opening my eyes to it all, whilst still giving me the choice to stay as I was. I'd taken his free will away from him too. 

How was any of this fair? 

Why couldn't I have just died in Idaho? 

Why didn't I let Ephriam give me mercy? 

It would have been so much easier for Sam and Dean if I had died then. 

They would have never had to deal with me like this. 

Maybe Naomi was right. 

I wasn't created right. There was always something wrong with me. 

She was right.

Why else would I have needed all of the training to kill Dean? 

No other angel would have needed that. 

She could have just given then order and within two minutes or less Dean Winchester would be dead and she would have the tablet. 

But instead she had me. 

And I couldn't follow orders. 

I couldn't even follow her orders after she had trained and brain washed me for months. 

What did that say about me? 

Wrong. 

All wrong. 

Had I always been this way? 

Before I raised Dean from Hell I would follow orders properly.

I would listen to and respect my superiors and I would take care of the angels in my charge. They would always be my priority. 

But then I raised Dean from Hell and it all changed. 

Dean became my priority very quickly. 

And then Sam. 

Would I be the same if it wasn't Dean? And if it wasn't Sam? 

How could I know? 

"You asleep?" Dean muttered. 

"No." I whispered back. 

"How're you feeling?" He sighed and turned the lamp on. 

I shrugged, it had been a hard day. 

But I didn't think I had the energy for another episode. 

But it's not like there was any rhyme to them anymore. 

"Can me and Sam talk to you?" 

I swallowed. "What about?" 

I felt the familiar twisting starting up in my chest as I carefully took in his expression. 

He was scared. 

Worried. 

Guilty. 

Angry. 

Dean let out a big sigh and nodded at me to stand up. 

I did as he asked but before I knew what was happening I was in his arms, his head in my neck. 

This was different. 

"W-what are you doing?" I stammered. 

It had been strange with Dean for about a week now, since the day that I had an episode at the soup kitchen.

We hadn't been doing any of the things that we had been before apart from when my episodes were happening. That was the only physical contact we really had now, when he would restrain me. 

Dean's hand went into my hair and pulled my head down to his shoulder. 

"Dean?" I asked.

"I know it ain't easy, Cas. I know I've not been taking it well either-" 

"Dean, what do you mean?" I wrapped my arms back around him, pulling tighter as if that would stop him from letting go. 

"I'm sorry." Dean sighed. 

"For what?" I muttered into his shoulder. "You've not done anything wrong." 

"I should-I should have got you help sooner, Cas. Taken you to a damn therapist or something." 

"You said that therapy doesn't work. You said that it's for hippies." I felt him starting to pull away, I was reluctant but I let go. 

Dean's eyes searched mine as he bit his lip. "It shouldn't have got this bad, Cas. I'm sorry I let it." 

I shook my head. "I don't-I don't understand what you mean." I panicked. 

Was he finally sick of dealing with me? 

Was I leaving? 

"Hey, hey!" Dean yelled suddenly, making me jump. 

My eyes snapped to his.

"Calm down. You're home remember. You ain't going anywhere. I swear it." 

"I wasn't-" 

"You were thinking it. Don't lie, Cas." 

I sighed in defeat. "I'm sorry, Dean." 

Dean shook his head and re wrapped his arms around me, I took the opportunity and clung to him, my head burying itself in his shoulder. 

"Sorry." I mumbled.

"Stop saying sorry, Cas. It ain't your fault." 

"It's not yours." 

Dean sighed and held me tighter, kissing my hair. 

"I thought it stopped." 

"I know." 

"B-but it didn't. Why does it never stop, Dean?" 

Dean sighed. "I don't know. I have no idea, Cas. I wish I did." 

"I'm sorry." I breathed him in, not caring that it wasn't how he would usually smell. 

It was still Dean and he still wanted to be close to me. 

He was still holding me. 

It didn't matter that he'd been wearing the same clothes for days and it didn't matter that I could almost taste the alcohol he'd been drinking the smell was that strong. 

None of that mattered. 

He was here. 

But so was the hole in my chest. 

Dean pulled us until we were lay on our bed, both of us still clinging to each others shirts. 

I sighed into him. 

"What is it?" He mumbled.

"I've missed you." I whispered, feeling my cheeks burning. 

I chewed on the inside of my cheeks, preparing for Dean to laugh at how ridiculous it sounded. 

We'd been beside each other almost twenty four hours a day for a week. 

But this-

I'd missed this. 

Dean let out a breath and tightened his hold on me. "I've missed you too." 

"What did you and Sam want to talk about?"

"It doesn't matter yet." Dean swallowed. 

I nodded and rested my head back onto his shoulder. "Are you okay?" 

Dean let out a small chuckle. "Yeah." 

"Are you lying?" I asked. 

"A little." He sighed, running his hand through my hair. "You don't need to worry about me though. Sam's job." 

I shook my head. "I disagree entirely." 

"Typical." He chuckled. "You need anything?" 

"No." I moved my arm so it was more comfortable over his torso and closed my eyes, letting Dean's breathing getting heavier and heavier lull me to sleep. 

* * *

_"Cas!"_

_"Cas! No!"_

_"Sam, help!"_

_"Cas! No no no no!"_

_"Cas! Please, No!"_

_"CAS!"_

My eyes snapped open, my heart instantly racing at Dean sounding so panicked. 

Was I having an episode? 

Was Dean yelling like that because of that? 

"Cas!" 

I felt Dean's hand hitting the back of my head. 

I hissed in pain and turned, my eyes adjusting to the dark room. "Dean?" I gulped and turned on the lamp, leaning over Dean's struggling body. 

"NO!" Dean screamed. 

"Dean." I pushed away the covers that seemed to be tangled around both of us. 

I wasn't having an episode. 

Dean was clearly asleep, in the middle of a nightmare it seemed. 

"Sammy, no. H-help him." Dean whined. 

I saw the tears had escaped his eyes even during his sleep. 

"Dean." I tried again. 

He would usually wake up to the slightest noise or movement but clearly it wasn't working. 

Dean struggled again, his face a mix of pain and fear. 

I twisted in the bed and grabbed both of his shoulders, shaking them both. 

Nothing. 

"Dean! Wake up, you're having a bad dream." I shook him harder. 

"No." Dean sobbed in his sleep, his arm coming up again, luckily I saw it coming this time and dodged out of the way. 

The sudden movement seemed to alert Dean and make him wake up. 

"Oh Cas." Dean reached out and grabbed me, pulling me into him quickly. 

I tumbled on top of him in surprise. 

"You were having a bad dream." I tried explaining. 

Dean scoffed and pulled on my tighter, his face going into my neck. "No shit." 

"Do you wanna talk about it?" I asked quietly, feeling my neck getting wet from his tears. 

Dean sniffed and shook his head. 

"You told me that I should talk about my bad dreams." I argued when his crying carried on for longer than two minutes.

Dean sighed and somehow pulled me even closer. 

"You were shouting for me and Sam." I tried to start the conversation, shuffling up the bed so that Dean would be more comfortable. 

He still didn't speak. 

"Dean-" 

"You-you were on the ceiling." He finally muttered into my neck. "And you w-were, you were on fire. Just like Mom an-and Jess with Sam. I-I couldn't stop it." 

"Oh." I swallowed. 

"You can go back to sleep now." 

"It's just a nightmare, it's never going to happen." I chewed on the inside of my cheek, unsure how to help. 

Dean hadn't had a nightmare that had woken me up since we'd shared a bed. 

Sam never mentioned how to help Dean after a nightmare. 

I struggled on what I should do. 

"You don't know that for sure." Dean's grip on me got tighter, my neck becoming more wet. 

"It can't." I struggled but eventually pulled him so he was more leaning on me instead of me being pulled against him. "We sleep in the bunker, this place is completely warded against demons of any kind, no demon can come in unless we take down the warding and I don't think any of us are going to take down the warding." 

Dean nodded slowly. "I guess." 

"And Azazel is dead. You killed him remember? That was you, Dean. You stopped him from being able to hurt anyone else ever again." 

Dean sniffed into my neck. 

"Even if he was alive, he wouldn't have any need to kill me or anyone similar. He's only ever been interested in Sam and that was for the apocalypse which never happened. He failed. It all failed, Dean." 

"Yeah." He nodded. "I just-Cas I-seeing you like that-I just." 

"It can't happen, Dean." 

"I know. But I can't let that happen. Never." Dean's voice became less shaky and more serious, but his grip never loosened. 

"Besides, an angel can't die like that anyway." I smiled. "You have nothing to worry about." 

I felt Dean tense. "Yeah, I guess you're right." 

"Do you feel better?" I yawned. 

"Uh-yeah. I'm gonna shower. You okay in here?" 

I nodded slowly, trying to search his face as he untangled himself from me to get up. 

He had the familiar mask on which hid all of the emotions he was feeling. 

He probably just didn't want to think about the nightmare. 

After a nightmare I sometimes had a shower instead of going back to sleep, it sometimes helped. 

I understood that. 

"Try and get some more sleep." Dean leaned down and kissed me quickly before leaving our room. 

I didn't go back to sleep. 

I waited for Dean to finish in the shower so I could go in after him. 

I'd forgotten how much relief a shower provided. 

The hot, almost scalding water hitting every part of my body almost made it feel like everything was okay. 

And I liked to pretend that everything was okay. 

Dean did too, he didn't mention his nightmare when I got back to our room. 

"How're you feeling?" 

"Okay." I tilted my head at him. 

"Come with me to the kitchen?" He asked. 

"Why?" I narrowed my eyes. 

The kitchen was a dangerous place. 

The kitchen had many surfaces and most of them were made out of metal or marble, they would hurt if I was to have an episode and push Sam or Dean into one. 

Also the amount of knives in there were bound to cause problems if I had an episode. 

Then there was the hidden weapons, which I knew the hiding places. They would be a problem. 

A very dangerous place. 

"Me and Sam wanna talk to you remember?" 

"I thought it wasn't important." 

Dean shook his head. "I said it wasn't important yet." 

"Why does it have to be in the kitchen? Can't it be here?" 

There were no weapons in here. 

None. 

The only surfaces were wooden and there weren't many. 

No knives, no weapons. 

Safe. 

"Don't you wanna get outta this room, man? I'm going stir crazy in here." He smiled. 

I chewed on the inside of my cheek as I rocked on my feet. 

Dean didn't like being in our room anymore. 

_No_

_Stir crazy just means that he needs some air, he's been in the room for too long_

_Which is fair enough_

"The library?" Dean asked. 

Hidden weapons still. 

But mostly wooden surfaces. 

Not many hidden weapons. 

No knives. 

Safer than the kitchen. 

"Okay." I swallowed and followed him down the hall. 

Sam was in the library already with a carefully placed smile and three cups filled with steaming hot coffee. 

"Hello, Sam." 

"Hey Cas, how you doing?" 

"Fine." I nodded and sat down in my usual chair, Dean budged his chair closer to mine and grabbed his cup of coffee with shaky hands. 

"Are you okay, Sam?" I asked, watching his expression carefully. 

He looked apprehensive. 

Like he was worried about something but also relieved? 

What could that possibly mean? 

I knew I wasn't the best at recognising emotions on people's faces, in fact I'd been told by multiple of my brothers and sisters that I was actually quite bad at it, even for an angel. 

But with Dean and with Sam. 

I usually understood. 

It took practise. 

But I usually understood what their expressions meant. 

I could fit the pieces of the puzzle together. 

But now, now it was difficult. 

I hadn't seen Sam smile like that before and Dean's mask was still up. 

I didn't understand but I acted like everything was okay. 

I drank my coffee and tried to look relaxed in my chair. 

Clearly it wasn't working because Dean's free hand found mine and squeezed. 

"Cas." I heard Sam clear his throat after saying my name. 

I snapped my eyes away from Dean's and looked towards Sam. 

"Yes?" 

"Are you sure you're feeling okay?" 

"I don't think I'll have an episode if that's what you mean." I swallowed. 

Sam nodded and Dean squeezed my hand gently. 

"So uh-me and Dean were talking and- I mean this past week it's been tough-I mean more tough than it is normally-" 

"I'm trying to-" I tried. 

Sam held a hand up to stop me, shaking his head. "I'm not saying that you're not trying, man. I know you are. We both know that." 

_Ache_

"We just wanna run something by you. See what you think about it. That's all." Dean chewed his bottom lip, looking back at Sam. 

Sam's lips pressed into a thin line as he looked back at Dean. 

Had Dean said something wrong? 

I swallowed nervously. 

What did all of this mean? 

_Twist_

"You think I won't like it?" I tried guessing. 

Sam's lips pressed even thinner. "We don't know. We think it might be a good idea but you might not. It's kinda like a family meeting." 

"What about?" 

"Your episodes." Sam looked down. 

_Ache_

"And what will happen if they d-don't stop?" I heard my voice cracking. 

Dean's hand gripped mine tighter. "Nothing's gonna happen if they don't stop, Cas." 

I shook my head. "I-I don't understand. Just tell me what's happening." 

Sam's eyebrows scrunched together and he started to stammer through his words but he eventually said what he intended to. 

"We were thinking that if you gave up your grace that the episodes would stop-" 

_Ache_

_Ache_

**_Ache_ **

**_Ache_ **

**_Ache_ **

**_Ache_ **

**_AcheAcheTwistAcheAche_ **

_"It's just an idea, Cas. It's not set in stone that you have to do it."_

_"Dean! We're trying to convince him here."_

_"He's obviously gonna say no, Sam! It's his freaking grace."_

_"We're supposed to be on the same page here."_

_"I only said we'd talk to him about it, I never said that we should tell him that we're gonna cut it outta him!"_

**_ACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHE_ **

**_TWISTTWISTTWISTTWIST_ **

**_ACHE_ **

"Dean." I managed to gasp out as the hole in my chest screeched inside of me. 

_"You said he seemed better than before."_

_"Shut up, Sam."_

* * *

"No." I shook my head violently. 

I expected to still be in the library, sat in the chair with Dean's hand still in mine. 

Our coffee still hot in front of us. 

Sam staring at me waiting for an answer. 

But I wasn't there. 

I was in bed with Dean sat behind me, his arms tense and holding me still. 

The hole in my chest throbbed as if to tell me what had happened. 

Of course. 

"Hey, hey." Dean shushed me. "We in the clear?" 

I nodded shakily. 

"I won't do it." I shoved his arms away from me and he let me. "Y-you can't make m-me, Dean." 

"What are you talking about?" He asked, reaching over to turn the lamp on. 

"I-I-I c-can't-" I tried, shaking my head harder as I thought about what he wanted me to do. 

Give up my grace. 

Have my grace cut out of me and laid to waste. 

Leaving me human and helpless. 

Again. 

I squeezed my eyes shut as Metatron's smug smile came to mind after he tore out my grace. 

"Whoa, hey." Dean's hands were on either side of my head, wiping away my tears. "I'm not making you do anything." 

"You don't un-understand. I can't g-give it up." I felt myself starting to hyperventilate as Metatron stealing my grace replayed over and over, his speech as loud as it would be if he was in the room with Dean and I. 

"It's just an idea." Dean shook his head and let go of mine. "I told Sam you'd never say yes." 

"De-don't make me." I wailed and collided into his chest with sobs. 

Dean caught me quickly and shushed me, whispering about how he'd never make me do anything I didn't want to in my ear. 

I felt around for my grace but of course it was hiding and I couldn't feel it over the aching and twisting in my chest anyway. 

But I knew it was in there. 

It was still a part of me. 

If I was to somehow get injured I knew I would heal faster than Sam or Dean would with the same injury. 

If I was to get cut deep enough, my grace would appear. 

I pressed my head further into Dean and gasped out another sob, Metatron's voice ringing in my ears. 

How had I ever believed someone who was so clearly using me and lying? 

How could I have done that? 

It had hurt so much when he cut my grace out. 

I'd not forgotten that pain. 

When I got my grace back I vowed I would never let anyone near my neck with a weapon ever again. 

Never. 

And I had stuck to that. 

The only person I'd let anywhere near my neck was Dean and he'd never had a weapon when he did that. 

There was the vampire who had bitten my neck but my grace had healed me instantly. 

But now Sam and Dean wanted me to give up my grace completely. 

"Cas." Dean's voice was low in my ear. 

"Y-yeah." 

"I'm gonna talk to you and you're gonna listen to me, okay? No thinking about anything else but what I'm saying. Deal?" 

I nodded into him. 

Dean's voice eventually drowned out the loop of Metatron's speech. 

I tried to focus on what exactly Dean was telling me but his voice became fuzzy every so often when an ache or a twist was particularly bad. I knew he was speaking to me about people that I knew though. 

I heard Jody's name a few times. Jerry's too. He mentioned Charlie a couple of times. He even spoke about Bobby and Kevin. 

He just talked and talked, even when his voice became hoarse, he carried on. 

_I love you_

* * *

They left it for two days before they brought the question up again. 

It was maybe two hours after I'd last had an episode and it had been a day with two episodes so the chances of another one were very unlikely. 

Both Sam and Dean seemed like they couldn't speak to me about anything else but cutting my grace out. 

Both of them getting angry when I gave them the same answer each time. 

What did they expect? 

Dean had told me not two days ago that he wouldn't make me do anything that I didn't want to. 

I told him explicitly that I didn't want my grace to be ripped out again, yet he kept insisting that I think about it. 

"Please, Cas. Just think about it." Dean sighed for maybe the fifteenth time. 

"I told you. I can't." I shook my head and went back to our room. 

It was my grace. 

I couldn't ask them to give up a part of themselves. 

It wouldn't be right. 

Cutting out my grace would-

I shook my head. 

I wouldn't think about it. 

It was making me angry and the last time I was too angry everything spilled out and I didn't want that to happen again. 

Not that I had anymore secrets. 

But being angry wouldn't help anything. 

**Dean:** _Come and get some pizza, Jerry's here._

**Me:** _Only if you promise to not mention it_

**Dean:** _Fine_

I pulled the covers back and checked the bandages on my arms. They were tight and secure, covered by my long sleeved t-shirt and the dark hoodie. 

Jerry didn't need to see how bad it really was here. 

He would only be here for a social call. 

When I walked into the library it clearly wasn't a social call.

Jerry didn't have a smile on his face at all and his eyes went straight to my covered arms. 

I instantly shoved my hands into my pockets and sat beside Dean. 

"Ain't you a sight for sore eyes." Jerry faked a smile. 

I faked one back. 

Sam cleared his throat. "Jerry weren't you saying how you're walking the dogs tomorrow?" 

My eyes flashed to Sam as Dean pushed a pizza box my way. 

"Uh yeah-I managed to swing having your two dogs for a couple hours tomorrow. I was gonna take them to the park and try and teach some more tricks." 

"Sounds like fun, huh Cas?" Sam looked to me with a carefully placed smile. 

"Yeah." I nodded and took a bite out of the pizza. 

"Are you gonna come?" Jerry's eyes widened a little. 

"No." I shook my head. 

Jerry and Sam both frowned. 

The park was risky.

Especially during the day. 

Plenty of dog walkers went to that park and if I started to have an episode in the middle of the day, in broad day light in a public setting. 

No. 

It would be awful.

"C'mon, Cas. I'll even come." 

"I'll stay here. You can meet the dogs with Sam." I muttered and put the crust into his box before starting on another slice. 

Dean sighed. "And who'll be here making sure you're okay?" 

"I will." I set my jaw. "You can't make me go outside. Stop trying." 

All three of them sighed. 

I heard my chair scraping on the floor and then Dean's hand was around my wrist, keeping me still. 

"Let go." I growled, the anger rising quickly. 

"Cas. We're having dinner." 

The anger in Dean's voice seemed to match my own. 

"I'm not hungry." 

"You haven't eaten in days." 

"Neither have you." I glared. 

"That's why we're eating." Dean huffed. "Sit down and eat." 

"I could send you pictures instead I guess." Jerry picked at his food as I sat back down, Dean's hand still around my wrist. 

I grimaced when his hand squeezed too hard around the bruising. 

Dean grumbled under his breath but let go. 

If I had my grace properly I would have heard what he'd said. 

But I didn't. 

But at least when these episodes stopped I could have my grace heal and then I would be able to hear him. 

Because there was no way I was going to let anyone near my neck ever again. 

Not even Dean. 

Never.

"Are you gonna go tomorrow?" I asked once Dean and I were in bed.

"Are you?" 

"No." I swallowed. 

"Then no." 

"Why not?" I asked. 

"I don't care about seeing some freaking dogs, Cas." Dean growled and turned over. 

I nodded to myself and did the same, turning away from him and closed my eyes. 

"Jody's coming over tomorrow, maybe she can talk some freaking sense into you." 

I glared at the wall and wrapped the grey blanket around my shoulders tighter. 

As angry as I felt I did want Dean to turn back over and have at least one of his legs touching one of mine, or his arm around my waist, or hid hand in mine. 

Something. 

Anything. 

But I was too stubborn to turn over either so I understood that Dean wouldn't. 

* * *

I avoided Jody. 

And managed to avoid her successfully for the first few hours of her visit, even though Sam had gone to see Jerry. I still managed to avoid her.

I refused to get out of bed for the first three hours and then the last hour I spent in the bathroom having the longest shower I'd ever had. 

I knew how childish it made me seem and how pathetic it all was but Jody had never seen an episode before and I didn't want her to. 

But one was coming. 

I could feel it. 

But Dean hadn't spoken to me since he told me that Jody was coming over and I didn't know what he'd do if I told him another episode was coming. 

Maybe they'd just cut my grace out straight away. 

Maybe I could deal with it on my own. 

I would show them that it was manageable. 

If I just tried really hard I could show them. 

Sam found me in the dungeon. 

"Cas, what the hell are you doing?" He shut the door quickly and marched over, fumbling with the handcuffs I was struggling to attach myself to. 

I shook him off. "Nothing." 

"Doesn't look like nothing." Sam swatted my hand away and unlocked one of the cuffs. 

I groaned at him. 

The aching was already becoming bad. 

"C'mon, talk to me." 

I shook my head. 

"D'you want Dean?" He asked. 

I shook my head again. 

Sam sighed and looked around the room, noticing the locked box in the corner. 

"What's that?" 

"Weapons." I muttered. 

"Why?" 

"The key's in the library. It's locked." I glared at him as he unbuckled the other cuff. 

"Right. You haven't said hi to Jody yet. She's been asking for you." 

"I'll see her later." 

I didn't want her to 'talk some sense into me'. Not at all. 

Sam sighed again. "Cas, what's going on, man?" 

I shrugged. "Is this room soundproof?" 

"If I shut the book case yeah." Sam muttered. 

"Good." I nodded. 

"Are you gonna have another episode?" 

"I-I think so." 

"I'll get Dean." Sam nodded and pulled his phone out. 

"No!" I pushed his phone out of his hand, hearing it smashing on the floor. "I didn't mean-I'm sorry." I quickly picked it up and handed it back, flinching when the smashed screen cut my finger. 

Sam scrunched his eyebrows at me and looked at his broken phone. "It's fine, it's just a spare. Why don't you want Dean to know? It's not like he isn't used to it." 

I shook my head. "Just don't want him to." 

"That's a lie." Sam chuckled. "C'mon let's get you to your room at least." 

I shook my head. "I'm gonna stay in here." 

I reached for the cuffs again but Sam's hand pushed my arm away gently. 

"Sam." I huffed. 

"You're not locking yourself up like some animal, Cas." 

"It means I won't hurt anyone." I swallowed and reached again. 

"There's nothing I can say to get you to come outta here right?" Sam ran a hand through his hair. 

I shook my head. 

"Right. I'll stay in here with you." Sam nodded to himself. 

"Dean won't know where we are." I gripped my chest as an ache ripped through. 

"Will you be okay in here if I go talk to him real quick?" 

I nodded. 

Sam rocked on the balls of his feet and chewed his bottom lip before pulling another phone out of his back pocket and sending a text. 

"Done." 

"W-what did you tell him?" 

"Told him to go on a beer run or something with Jody." Sam shrugged and pulled the bookcases together, shutting us both inside. 

I nodded slowly. 

"If-If I let you st-stay here. You have-have to pr-promise not to c-cut my grace out, Sam." I gasped through the twists. 

Sam's face dropped. 

"You really think we'd do it if you didn't say yes?" 

I shrugged and grit my teeth. 

Sam's hand was suddenly on the back of my head, forcing me to look at him. 

"That's not gonna happen. I promise, okay?" 

"But y-you want me to." I felt my arms starting to shake. 

It was almost too late to carry on talking. 

"Hey, let's sit down." Sam nodded to the floor. 

"Ju-just use the hand cuffs. I don't wanna hurt you any-anymore." 

"Not happening." Sam sighed and pulled me down with him, wrapping his arms around me tightly. "You ain't an animal, Cas. You're a freaking person." 

"I do-don't wanna be a person again." I felt the sob rip through me before it finally escaped. 

Sam sighed against me. "Why not?" 

The aches that happened then seemed to go through my entire body instead of just my chest. 

I yelled out as each one happened, pulling against Sam's tight grip. 

If I could just hit my arm against the wall the aches wouldn't hurt for a moment. 

If I could just do that then it would stop for a little while. 

"No-no one wants me w-when I'm human." I whined. "Useless an-and weak." 

**Just like you are now**

I screamed at the voice to be quiet so I could hear Sam properly but Sam wasn't speaking. 

"I told you w-what happened when I was human. I-I told you. I can't do it ag-again." I tried again but Sam still didn't respond. 

Was he still here? 

My thoughts became too hard to sort through and it became difficult to feel if Sam was still behind me. 

What if he had left and was getting my angel blade? 

What if he would break his promise? 

I'd broken so many promises. 

Sam had broken promises to people before. 

He was going to make me human again. 

He would be back soon. 

I screamed and thrashed, trying to figure out how to get out of the dungeon but I couldn't move. 

The aches eventually subsided and I finally heard Sam's voice. 

"C'mon, Cas. You got this." 

"Sam?" I opened my eyes slowly. 

"Yeah, it's me buddy." 

"D-did you do it?" I tried pulling my arms out of his grip to feel my neck. 

I didn't feel any different. 

"Of course not." Sam's arms loosened. "Told you I wouldn't didn't I?" 

I nodded and let one of my hands go to my neck. 

Smooth and unblemished. 

I was okay. 

It was okay. 

"Did I hurt you?" I turned around on the floor and checked his face, wiping my eyes. 

"No." Sam shook his head. "How're you feeling?" 

"I hate it." I swallowed. "I'm sorry." 

"I know. You don't need to be sorry for fighting everyday. You're gonna win, Cas." 

I shook my head. "Is Dean back yet?" 

"I think so." He shrugged. 

"I'm really sorry, Sam." I sighed and leaned against the wall, rubbing my wrists where he'd been gripping, the bruises no doubt worse now. 

"Yeah, I'm sorry too." He nodded to my wrists. "You were fighting pretty hard this time." 

I nodded slowly and brought my knees up to my chest. 

"You okay?" 

"I think I wanna be alone for a bit." I muttered into my knees. 

"I can't leave you alone, man." 

"I know." I sighed. 

Sam sighed back. "Y'know being human wouldn't be _anything_ like last time. You know that right?" 

I shrugged. "You can't promise something like that." 

"Actually I can." 

I shook my head. "Anything could happen. I can't do it again. I really can't." 

"Will you at least think about it?" 

I shook my head and pulled myself off the floor, offering Sam my hand to pull himself up. 

Sam took it and pressed his lips into a thin line. "I'll tell them you're gonna go to bed for a while." 

I nodded and headed back to my room.

After five minutes of being alone I heard the door clicking shut. 

"Are we talking yet?" I mumbled. 

I hoped we were. 

All I wanted was Dean. 

He was all I ever wanted when I felt like this. 

"You guys ain't talking?" Jody's voice filled the room as I felt her sitting on the bed. 

I shrugged. 

"What's goin' on?" She sighed, her hand going onto my side over the covers and my grey blanket. 

"They-they want me to g-give up my grace." I sniffed.

"You don't want to?" 

I shook my head. 

"And Dean's not talking to you because of it?" Jody sounded irritated.

"I don't think so." I sighed. "I don't think that's it." 

"Never is with you boys." Jody hummed. "Why don't you do it?" 

"Can't." 

"Okay." Jody patted my side. "Y'know it's a big thing to ask. They understand that. I don't think they'd ask you if they didn't think it would help. Sounds to me that it could solve a lot of problems." 

"B-but it could create so many more." I argued and sat up, wiping my eyes. 

"Like what?" 

I shook my head.

Jody gave me a sad look. "Get some sleep, Cas. You look like you could use it." 

I turned back onto my side and pulled the blanket back up as Jody stood up and clicked the door shut. 

It didn't take long for it to click open again. 

I guessed it was Dean instead of Sam as I felt the cold air getting into the bed as the covers were lifted and someone lay down. But I didn't dare say anything, just in case things still weren't okay between us. 

"You okay?" Dean spoke first. 

"Yeah. Are you?" 

"No, not really." 

"What's the matter?" 

Dean sighed heavily. "You weren't gonna tell me you were about to have an episode?" 

I shrugged. 

"Cas." Dean growled. 

I didn't know what I could say to make it any better so I didn't say anything at all. I just stayed still. 

"You're damn stupid, you know that?" He barked.

Still, I had no argument. 

He was right. 

"I mean, trying to lock yourself up in the freaking dungeon? What if-what if you got outta the cuffs and got all those damn weapons in there? I'm supposed to come looking for you and find you freaking dead?" He spat. 

"I-I locked them away." 

"It's a wooden box. Throw it against a wall and it's broken. It's not like you don't know how to get outta cuffs anyway. What if Sam didn't find you? There's all kinds of things in there that could-" 

"I didn't think-" 

"Clearly." He huffed. "Dammit Cas, how can you be so stupid?" 

_Ache_

_Ache_

_Ache_

"C-can you yell at m-me later?" I heard my voice cracking. "I don-I don't feel good."

Dean sighed. "What d'you need?" 

"You." I felt my breathing getting faster as the hole in my chest ached and scratched at itself. "N-need you." 

"Yeah, you got me." Dean rolled over and pulled me into him. 

I instantly brought my hands up to his chest and clung onto his shirt, pressing my face into his neck. "I'm sorry." 

Dean shushed me and rubbed soothing circles on my back. "Never do that again." 

"O-okay." 

"Stupid bastard." He kissed my hair. 

"Sorry." I hiccuped. 

"It's gonna be okay." He sighed.

* * *

I gasped when I woke up, feeling something cold on my neck. 

But instead of jerking away I was frozen still, a tear slipping down my cheek. 

But I could hear Dean's snoring beside me and I couldn't hear or see anyone else in the room. 

"Dean?" I whispered. 

"Hmm?" Dean grumbled sleepily. 

The cold thing moved away from my neck but was now on my side. 

Dean's hand. 

His hand. 

That was all it was. 

It was sending chills through my stomach now. 

It was only his hand. 

Just his hand. 

A little cold. 

I swallowed a gulp of air as I moved the grey blanket and threw it over Dean as he'd kicked off most of the covers in his sleep, moving my hand so I could hold his over my stomach. 

Nothing was anywhere near my neck. 

Dean was snoring again. 

It was all okay. 

When I woke up again I was warm, the grey blanket was wrapped tightly around my shoulders. 

I could tell by the feel of it rubbing against my cheek. 

Dean's breathing was heavy beside me but he was definitely awake. 

I slowly opened my eyes to try and catch his expression. 

Was he back to being angry or would we forget about yesterday? 

It was neither. 

His expression caused my chest to crack and twist, tear at itself violently. 

It was hauntingly sad. 

Not Dean at all. 

The carefully placed mask was gone. 

I had no idea this is what he looked like when he thought I was asleep. 

**This is your fault, Castiel**

I pulled myself up, shrugging the blanket off my shoulders. 

Dean turned and looked to me, the mask was instantly replaced. 

A big smile. "Morning sunshine!" He grinned and tried leaning in for what I presumed was a kiss.

I shook my head and put my hand to his chest to keep him still. "I'll think about it, Dean." 

The round of aches that went through my chest as I said the words almost made me keel over but I grit my teeth and bared through it. 

"You will?" Dean sighed and his big grin faltered, being replaced with a small, soft and genuine smile. 

I nodded slowly and put my hand into his. 

Dean leaned forward and kissed me slowly. "Take it slow." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey dudes  
> hope you liked it, this one did take a while and i'm sorry it did but it's a fairly long one and so much happens especially with cas and dean being so all over the place at the moment  
> thank you all so much for sticking this out with me, soon we will get a happy ending i swear  
> see you in the next chapter  
> lotta love and stay safe


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey dudes  
> thank you all for your comments and kudos, they make my day seriously   
> this chapter is another heavy one as i'm sure you expected   
> trigger warnings as usual  
> hope you do enjoy as it's not all doom and gloom  
> lotta love  
> C

**Castiel's POV**

I had promised Dean that I would think about it. 

I promised that I would and he had looked so-

_happy._

So happy that I'd made that promise to him. 

But I so far hadn't held up my end of the promise. 

I hadn't even tried to think about it yet. 

But it was clearly all that Sam and Dean were thinking about. 

It had been six days and Jody was still here. 

I had a feeling that she wouldn't leave until I had made a decision. I'd asked her when she was going back to Sioux Falls to work. She was a sheriff of the town after all. 

She'd just shook her head and smiled. "Had some holidays to take. Don't worry about that." 

I could convince myself that I was getting used to having an episode at least every two days now but then I would just be lying to myself and to Sam, Dean and Jody. I wasn't getting used to it. Not at all. 

I always knew one was coming now. 

One was always coming and Jody had eventually seen me having one. It was one that I remembered clearly. 

I'd screamed at her, screeched at her to get out of the room but she'd pushed Dean away and restrained me in a different way than what I was used to. 

I didn't like it. 

But she didn't change how she treated me which was strange. 

After my first episode Sam and Dean were 'walking on eggs' eggshells? It didn't matter. They were cautious around me to say the least. 

I could almost do no wrong as long as I wasn't hurting myself. 

That had slowly changed but it was still the undertone of our relationships.

I didn't like that it was the undertone.

It meant that I still wasn't one of them. 

Jody however treated me the exact same. 

She would tease me and try and make me blush about Dean. 

She would tell me off and give me 'the mom look' when I refused to eat the meal her and Dean usually cooked. 

She would talk to me about cases. 

She would recommend movies to watch. 

She would give me heaps of advice. 

It was the exact same, if anything I felt closer to her than I had before. 

Which was strange in itself. 

But I appreciated it nonetheless.

What I appreciated the most was that she wasn't constantly watching me and waiting for me to fall into an episode like Sam and Dean did. But whenever I did fall into one she would jump into action. Then as soon as I was back to myself she treated it like nothing had even happened. . 

"Jody, can I ask you something?" I turned to her in the library, both of us sat in the comfier chairs in the far corner. 

Sam was reading at the tables, angel lore books, with headphones on but I felt his eyes on me every couple of minutes. And Dean had left to go to the store ten minutes earlier telling us all he would be less than an hour but giving Sam and Jody a pointed look. 

"Sure, what's on your mind?" Jody smiled. 

I scrunched my eyebrows. 

I wasn't sure exactly if I should be asking Jody about this since she was a police officer but she knew about all of the illegal activity Sam, Dean and I partook in and sometimes she had joined in. 

Maybe Dean had already told her about it. 

"You said a while ago. You said that Dean told you what I did and the man who gave me-" I hoped that was enough to get her to understand. 

Jody nodded "Yeah, what about it?" 

"Could the man be arrested for that?" 

Jody got a thoughtful look on her face. "It depends." 

"On what?" 

"Say he was caught in the act of selling the stuff, then yeah. He could be. Also he'd have a load of illegal drugs on him so yeah. But if a cop just walked past and it's two technically consenting adults-" She sighed. 

I nodded. "I thought so." 

"Doesn't matter anyway. Dean made sure he was locked up for a few months at least." She chuckled. 

"He did?" 

"He didn't tell you?" Jody questioned. 

I shook my head. "He told me he had a fight with him." 

The phrase 'had a fight' seemed better than beating him half to death like Sam had said not too long ago. 

"Yeah." Jody nodded. "He left an anonymous tip to the local cops that a guy in the ER had a coat full of drugs. I followed up the case, he's gonna be put away for a while." 

"Oh." I swallowed. 

So Dean had taken him to the ER. 

I would have to remind Dean of that the next time he said that he wasn't good. 

"Why're you asking?" Jody asked. 

I shrugged. "I guess I was worried he was still doing it to people." 

Jody sighed and smiled. "Course you were." 

I nodded and turned back to the book in my lap, carrying on the corrections that Sam seemed to enjoy so much. 

Jody turned back to her phone, sitting beside me in a comfortable silence. 

Soon enough Dean was back at the bunker and pulling me out of my chair and towards the kitchen. 

"What are you doing?" I asked.

Dean chuckled. "Jody and Sam keep hogging you all the damn time." 

I tilted my head in confusion, I hadn't noticed that I was spending more time with anyone really. 

"Time to teach you how to cook." He waggled his eyebrows and started pulling ingredients out of the bags. 

"Why should I learn how to cook when I don't need to eat?" I asked. 

Dean's face dropped at the same time that I felt a twist in my chest.

"Never mind." I shook my head quickly. "Forget I said that." 

Dean pursed his lips, his eyes still sad. 

"Please?" I asked, taking his hand. 

He sighed. "We're gonna cook a big roast dinner. 'Bout time we re payed Jody for that huh?" He winked. 

"I still won't eat the broccoli." I smiled. 

"One bite?" He teased me with a grin before leaning in to kiss me quickly. 

"Never." I shook my head. 

Dean laughed and turned the stove on. 

"First things first. Aprons." He pulled two aprons out of the drawer, the first one being the joke present Sam had gotten for him and the second being a plain green one. "Take your pick." 

I took the green one, smiling as his face twisted into an amused smile. "Of course you pick that one." 

"The other one is yours. Sam would be upset." I laughed. 

Dean rolled his eyes, grinning. "Yeah, I'm sure he'd be weeping about it." 

"He would." I agreed in the same teasing tone. "What's next?" I asked as I tied the apron around my waist. 

"Glad you asked, Grasshopper. So the chicken is gonna take the longest to cook so we wanna prep it first." 

"It doesn't just go in the oven?" I asked, ignoring the newest nickname that added to the ever growing list. 

Dean's eyebrows raised. "What are we? Barbarians? Of course it doesn't just go in the oven." 

I rolled my eyes at his dramatic flare. "What do we do then?" 

"First, veggies and herbs." He nodded to the counter that seemed to be filled with different kinds of vegetables. 

"I thought the chicken was first?" I scrunched my eyebrows at him. 

"I'm kinda realising how weird you're gonna find this." He chuckled. "Some of this stuff is going inside the chicken." 

"What?" I felt my eyes widen. 

Dean burst out laughing, a hand on my shoulder. "It's worth it. Trust me."

I gave him a disbelieving look but followed his careful instructions to pull apart the herbs and garlic cloves as he roughly chopped the onions and carrots. 

"Aren't we supposed to peel them?" I asked, nodding to the carrots he was chopping. 

"We aren't gonna eat these ones." Dean shook his head. "Just there for flavour. Besides, the skin doesn't mean anything, see?" He picked up a chunk of carrot and threw it into his mouth, crunching it loudly. 

"Then why do people peel them?" 

Dean shrugged. "Guess they taste better peeled, try one." He offered me a chunk. 

I carefully took it and took a bite. 

"Good, huh?" 

"I guess so." I finished the rest of the chunk. 

"Just you wait until we get all of the flavours in there. It's gonna blow your mind." He carried on chopping the carrots as I pulled more herbs apart. 

Dean and I then mixed the vegetables and some of my herbs together and spread them in the big tray he'd gotten out. Dean then guided me on just the right amount of oil to use in the tray, kissing my cheek after I'd finished. 

"Now we get to the chicken." He grinned and rubbed his hands together. 

I squirmed as Dean made me rub my hands all over the chicken with salt and pepper, if my grace wasn't hiding then I wouldn't have any aversion to the sensation. But my grace was still hiding so the chicken felt disgusting in a word. Dean seemed to find it hilarious though, laughing as he guided my hands. 

"I thought something was going inside the chicken?" I asked as he lifted it up and placed it into the tray with the vegetables and herbs. 

Dean nodded and pulled the chicken slightly apart. "Those herbs we left out and a few cloves of garlic, right in there." 

I grimaced as I imagined what it would feel like. "I think you should do this part." 

Dean burst out laughing. "Who would've thought you'd turn squeamish?" 

I huffed. "Like you aren't." 

Dean shook his head. "It's a secret. C'mon, I dare you." 

"I'm over a millenia old, a dare is childish." 

"So you're gonna _chicken_ out?" Dean smirked. 

I huffed and grabbed the herbs and garlic, going to shove it in the bird before Dean's hand caught my wrist gently. 

"Treat her like a lady you ruffian." He grinned. "Gentle." 

"That means my hand will be there for longer." I sighed. 

Dean shrugged. 

I pulled my face as I put the herbs and garlic inside. 

"Yeah, really get it in there. buddy." Dean snorted. 

"Go to Hell." I tried my hardest to not smile as I said the words. 

Dean snorted again. "Only if you come save my ass again." He kissed my cheek as my hand was still inside the disgusting bird. 

I rolled my eyes. "Surely that's enough." 

Dean nodded with a smile. "She's ready for the oven." 

"Thank God." I pulled my hand out and quickly washed it in the sink, ignoring Dean's chuckles as he slid the tray into the oven. "Now what?" 

"Now we do the real veggies. We can start with the potatoes. They take the longest." 

I nodded and followed each of Dean's instructions with each vegetable, careful to not make any mistakes. 

Dean had started to take his cooking seriously since finding the bunker instead of eating 'on the road' all the time. 

It was important to him. 

Dean teased me for a full ten minutes by trying to shove broccoli into my mouth, we ended up laughing so loud and screaming that Jody and Sam burst in to find Dean straddled over my chest pushing broccoli into my face as I struggled to push him off.

"Eat your greens." Dean panted through laughs. 

"Make me." I tried taking the broccoli so I could throw it but I knew he would just get some more. 

"At least try it when it's cooked." Sam started laughing. 

"At least help me get your ape of a brother off me." I huffed at him. 

Sam and Jody both grinned and successfully pulled Dean off me. 

They stayed for the rest of the cooking lesson, Sam kept teasing Dean about trivial methods of cooking which was clearly winding Dean up but not to the point of real anger whilst Jody listened to me complain about how I'd had my hand inside of a bird. 

It was nice. 

I liked it. 

It was a pleasant surprise and an unusual turn after the past few weeks of non stop episodes and really bad days. 

It was one of the first really good days I'd had in weeks and I'd had it with my grace being entirely hidden. 

Maybe giving up my grace wouldn't be so bad after all.

* * *

Once I started to think about it I couldn't stop. 

It was always on my mind. 

No matter what was happening my mind was focused on the horrific question of if I should give up my grace or not. 

It set off countless episodes and fuelled almost every single dream that eventually turned into a nightmare. 

The light hearted teasing night two days ago had been pushed aside to make room for all of the aches, twists, scratches and cracks in my chest. 

Jody was still at the bunker too. 

Jerry had visited but he left pretty quickly when it was clear that my episode had only stopped to go right into another one straight away. 

I hated those days. 

It just proved to me how hopeless everything still was. 

That night in the kitchen was a hoax. 

Everything always got worse and turned back into _this._

_Every. Single. Time._

I groaned and tried harder to push the episode away but it was only getting stronger. 

I would have to tell Dean soon. 

He'd wanted to wash his car today. 

I guessed I would have to ruin his plans too. 

I quickly text him to let him know and within minutes he was in our bedroom. 

"How bad?" 

"Not there yet." I clutched at my chest. 

"Any chance of getting out of it?" 

I shook my head and grit my teeth. 

"Okay." Dean nodded and pulled me down to the bed, using the remote to turn on the TV and then leaned over and flipped the lamp off before wrapping himself around me in the usual position. "Let me know if I'm hurting okay?" 

I nodded and flexed my wrists before Dean wrapped his hands around them. 

Always bruised now. 

Always throbbing. 

It was impossible for him to hold them and it not hurt but it wasn't that bad, I could deal with it if it meant Dean would feel better that I wasn't hurting myself. 

I still thought the dungeon was a better idea but I knew Dean's thoughts on that. 

"You wanna watch something before it starts?" Dean asked, his chin resting on my shoulder. 

"No. I'm thinking about it." I spoke through gritted teeth. "You watch whatever." 

Dean kissed the side of my neck before settling back down. "It'll be over soon. And then we can have a movie night." 

I felt an ache as Dean spoke so casually. 

This was almost normal for us now. 

I still wasn't used to the frequency of episodes and I didn't think he was either, but we had both accepted that this was just what happened sometimes. 

It made me sick to my stomach. 

I tried to fight the episode off as I tried to think through my options _again._

It was difficult and I was vaguely aware of Dean's grip getting tighter and my muscles tensing, but I managed to think somewhat. 

If I did let them cut out my grace then I would be human. 

I had been fully human once before in my life and not one day of it was good. 

I'd had a few good hours. 

The hours that I was in the bunker. 

But out of months and months of being a human and only having a few good hours. 

Comparing that with millennia of being an angel. 

In fairness in Heaven I didn't really have good or bad days. 

Days were just days. 

Sometimes I was just watching over Earth. Some days I was being trained. Some days I was training other angels. Some days I was in Heavenly battles. Some days I was being punished. 

There were days that were better than others. 

But none of them were as awful as my human months. 

After falling I'd had good days. 

Good days with Dean. 

Good days with Sam. 

Good days with Bobby, Ellen, Jo. 

Bad days were there too. 

Raphael, Gabriel.

Granted Gabriel did turn out to help us and I was grateful but the places that he kept sending me to were not good. 

But they were overshadowed by the _really good_ days and the promise that I would find God. 

After that I'd had few good days. 

Barely any. 

I was lying, fighting, stealing, hiding, cheating all day, every day. 

It was terrible. 

But it still didn't compare to my human months. 

Even being deservedly insane and broken was better than being human. 

Even Purgatory was better and I was quite literally trapped there, alone most of the time, run down. Much like when I was human. But I was still _me. I_ could still hear Dean's prayers, I could still smite the monsters, I could fight, I could run, I could distract the monsters from Dean. I was still an angel. And Dean thought of me as one too. The amount of monsters I'd heard speaking about a Winchester demanding his angel was returned to him. 

So much better than being human. 

Now that I remembered everything that Naomi did I realised that that time in my existence was truly awful. 

Almost as bad as being human. 

But not quite as bad because the copies of Dean, at least they still spoke to me. 

It was torture. 

But at least it wasn't constant. 

It was every day but I never remembered until the connection was broken. 

It wasn't really that bad. 

But being human was more than awful.

Having my grace cut out had to be the worst thing in my existence. 

Worse than being human. 

That _pain._

If I could have brought myself to beg, if I wasn't in too much pain to think to beg then I would have begged for the pain to end. 

Why would I let it happen again? 

To live as a human in the second worst state of pain I'd been in? 

Comparing it to being an angel which overall, wasn't really that bad? 

It sounded insane. 

Totally insane. 

"You hearin' me?" I heard Dean muttering. 

"What did you say?" 

"We in the clear?" 

I nodded shakily as he let go of my wrists only to wrap his arms around my waist instead, pulling me until I was lay in between his legs, on his chest. 

"You hurting?" He asked. 

"A little." I wiped my eyes quickly. 

"You still thinking?" 

I shook my head. 

"Made up your mind?" Dean asked and I could feel his excitement. 

"N-not yet." I swallowed, wiping my eyes again. "Is that okay?" 

"Yeah." He sighed. "It's okay, baby." He kissed my hair. 

I'd clearly let him down again. 

I shouldn't have mentioned it. 

"I'm sorry." I reached for his hand. "I'm really sorry, Dean." 

"I know." Dean pulled me tighter against his chest. 

"I keep-I keep thinking about it but w-when I do-this happens." I felt my lip starting to wobble, my vision of whatever was on the TV getting blurry. 

"Hey, hey." Dean shushed me. "Baby steps." 

"I'm sorry." I whispered in the dark as I felt my eyes getting heavy. 

* * *

I kept on catching Dean without his carefully placed mask when he thought that I wasn't looking. 

If that wasn't heartbreaking enough I kept catching Sam too. 

Jody was harder to catch because she spent a lot of her time on the phone in recent days, I assumed it was to her officers in Sioux Falls. She usually sounded irritated over the phone so I'd leave her to it. 

But seeing Sam and Dean's faces like that. 

It was horrendous. 

It wasn't the Sam and Dean that I knew. 

They weren't just damaged anymore. 

They were broken. 

Broken like I was. 

And it was all my fault. 

All of it. 

If I just hurried and made a decision and told them then they'd stop. 

They'd stop looking at me with expectant and excited looks in the morning only for their masks to slip slightly when I ignored their silent question. 

The episodes continued. 

Never ceasing. 

I barely got a day in between anymore. 

I had no idea how they were so frequent, but that didn't matter. 

They were there and they clearly weren't going away any time soon. 

It was the worst when I started waking up in the middle of an episode, set off by a nightmare. 

They terrified me. 

Shook me right to the core. 

They seemed to petrify Dean too, it was a new level of frantic in his eyes when he would shake me awake and I'd be aching and full of new bruises all the while trying to fight Dean off me. 

I knew what triggered them in my sleep. 

It was the same nightmare. 

Each time. 

**"You have fallen in every way imaginable." Hester's voice.**

**"Top of the Christmas tree Castiel, no more than a doop." Malakai's voice.**

**"Get in there and heal him. Miracle. Now." Sam's voice.**

**"I don't care." Dean's voice.**

**"Tell that to your fucking arms." Jerry's voice.**

**"Without your power you're basically just a baby in a trench coat." Dean's voice.**

**"Did you bring me back without my soul on purpose?" Sam's voice.**

**"What is wrong with you, Cas?" Dean's voice.**

**"The one angel I most want to crush between my teeth." Crowley's voice.**

**"Just kill him now." Dean's voice.**

**"You don't even die right do you?" Naomi's voice.**

**"I just followed the sound of your pain, you have no idea how loud it is. I can hear you for miles." Ephriam's voice.**

**"God is dead, Castiel." Raphael's voice.**

**"There's blood everywhere. And it's on your hands." Naomi's voice.**

**"Kill him." Naomi's voice.**

**"Nobody cares that you're broken, Cas." Dean's voice.**

**"These were never trails, Castiel. This is a spell." Metatron's voice.**

**"You can't stay." Dean's voice.**

**Over and over the voices repeated, each one getting louder and louder.**

**Each time they became more and more angry.**

**I tried to fly away but then I would be in Naomi's chair, Metatron cutting my throat before laughing and sending me to Earth.**

**To be human.**

**To be alone.**

**Without any of my brothers and sisters.**

**Without Sam and Dean.** ****

**The sky would shake as I neared the ground, my chest tearing apart as I fell.**

Then I would wake up but the pain in my chest wouldn't stop.

"Cas!" I heard Dean yelling right into my ear, his voice drowning out Metatron's speech. "Wake up! Dammit!" 

"Dean!" I shouted as my eyes snapped open, wet and sore. 

"Clear?" Dean pulled me into his shoulder as sobs wracked through me, loud and ugly into his bare shoulder. 

"I-I don't know." I heard my breathing becoming rapid as I choked on the sobs coming from my chest. "I don't w-want an-another.No, no no, no!" I wept. 

"I got you." Dean moved us so we were sat up, my feet touching the floor, Dean sat behind me on the bed.

I shook my head violently. "You can't st-stop it! I can't stop it." 

"We can try, Cas. C'mon try with me." Dean murmured into my ear, slowly pulling at my shirt until it was off. 

I didn't understand what he was doing but I let him. 

I was pliant to whatever he wanted. 

Apart from stopping the pains in my chest. 

"It wo-won't stop." I gasped as a tear ripped through my chest, pulling at each edge of the hole. "I-I-I-I-I can't-" 

"Cas!" Dean's shout pulled me out of my stammering. "Breathe with me, okay? You're gonna make yourself sick." 

"I can't breathe." I panicked, flailing my arms to try and get hold of Dean. 

"Yes you can, Cas. You can breathe with me, c'mon." Dean shuffled so he was closer, his hand resting over the hole in my chest, pushing me so my back was pressed against his bare chest. "In...." Dean breathed in and I could feel it through my back. 

I tried to copy him but it was too difficult, another sob ripped through. 

"And out...." Dean breathed out, pushing hard on my chest, his chin resting on my shoulder. 

"De-I can't d-do i-i-it." I gulped down air. "It's g-gonna happen. I c-c-can't b-breathe." I heard myself gasping out Enochian curses.

"If it does we can deal with it. Just breathe with me." Dean again breathed loudly and heavier than he normally would so that I could feel it. 

His skin was warm and firm against my back. 

My back that used to have wings. 

**_ACHEACHEACHEACHEACHE_ **

"No!" I howled. "Th-they're gone." 

"In Cas.....And out....c'mon you can do this." Dean's voice became more firm. 

"Can't." I disagreed. 

"You ain't giving up." Dean growled. "You can do it." 

It all reminded me too much of Zachariah's teasing during him training me in Heaven. 

_I was young._

_Very young._

_None of us in the garrison were taking training very seriously._

_It didn't seem important at the time._

_But after a punishment from Zachariah I quickly learned that it was very important to try my hardest during training._

_But no matter what there was always some kind of mistake._

_So much that Zachariah started to tease me and call me 'the little angel that couldn't.'_

_I hated the name._

_Hated it so much that I fought against it each time and tried to prove him wrong._

_I succeeded in that too._

_For a while at least._

_I became the leader of our garrison after Anna fell._

_I was trusted and respected by other angels._

_But as soon as I started to develop doubts and emotions, I was right back to being 'the little angel that couldn't'._

How right he was. 

I couldn't do anything. 

"Dammit Cas! In......out......in.....out.......in......out." Dean's hand was still strong over the hole in my chest, his chest firm on my back, his chin digging painfully into my shoulder. 

I tried. 

But I was always going to be the angel that couldn't.

"You've got this, Cas. You gotta calm down." I could hear the panic in Dean's voice. 

Was my heart beating as fast as it sounded like it was in my head? 

Dean's hand was right above my heart. 

Maybe that's why he was so scared. 

"Please." Dean begged. "In......out......in.....out."

I nodded shakily and swallowed the sobs that were threatening to escape, trying to breathe in time with Dean. 

It was hard. 

He seemed to be breathing painfully slowly but eventually I got used to the slow pace. 

Dean didn't let go and the tears didn't stop. 

"We in the clear?" He mumbled into my shoulder after a few more minutes of just breathing together. 

"For now." I twisted around and wrapped my arms around his neck. 

Dean let us fall onto the bed, his hand going into my hair and pulling my head to the space in between his neck and shoulder. 

"I-I know I should give it up, Dean." I whimpered at admitting it out loud. 

"But?" Dean asked, his hands running slowly up and down my back. 

Another round of sobs tore through me and Dean just held me through them. 

I hated that I couldn't stop them no matter how hard I tried. 

I'd never cried as an angel. 

The first time was as a human and it seemed to never go away. 

But Dean was so patient. 

"I'm scared." 

"Of what?" Dean carried on stroking. 

"L-last time. You-you didn't wa-want me anymore." I stiffened, getting ready for him to get angry at my admission. 

Dean simply shook his head. 

"I never didn't want you. Never." 

I shook my head back. 

He could say it all he wanted. 

I knew that he didn't want me when I was a human. 

He simply didn't want me.

"You know what happened as well as I do. Gadreel was being a dick and I was even more of a dick. You know it was _nothing_ to do with you. You were never the problem. I swear." 

"You-you only say that now." I swallowed and tried to match my breathing with his again. 

"I know. Too little too late right?" Dean sighed. "You got no idea how much I fucking missed you, man. No clue. I was real mad at Metatron for tricking you but-but I kinda felt like a dick for it I was kinda excited to show you all the human stuff, Cas. I kept thinking that maybe it could be our time y'know. To finally become this." 

**Lies**

Dean carried on. "I swear it. I swear there was never a minute I actually wanted you away from me. I can't prove it, you gotta try and trust me on this. I want you now and I wanted you then too, I promise." 

"B-but if I get rid o-of my grace I'll be useless again and I'm already useless n-now but at l-least I can try and get better." 

"You ain't ever been useless." 

_'Without your power you're basically just a baby in a trench coat.'_

I shook my head in disagreement. "You only say that b-because you th-think you owe me because I pulled you out-out of Hell. I-I know how y-you think." 

"You clearly don't if you actually believe that." Dean growled. "I've been saved by plenty of people all my life. You see me cuddling up with them every night like I do with you? See me teaching them how to tune up cars and cook a decent meal?"

"No but-" I chewed on the inside of my cheek as I tried breathing in time with him again. 

"But what? There's no one I'd rather be doing this with Cas. You and me. That's all there is for me, now. I swear. It's not just because you pulled me out. Freaking Zachariah could have pulled me out and I know I would have gone running to you the first chance I got." 

My chest clawed at itself violently. 

**LIAR**

**ACHE**

**LIAR**

**ACHE**

**LIAR**

**ACHE**

I heard Dean sigh and pull us up until we were in the usual episode position, his grip on my wrists loose. 

"Just in case." He pressed a kiss to my temple. "You're kinda dancing on the line here, Cas." 

"I'm sorry." I leaned my head back against his chest. 

"I know." Dean kissed my temple again. "Cas, please tell me you don't actually believe any of that." 

I shrugged and chewed on the inside of my cheek. "M' just scared of it." 

"It's bullshit. Believe me. Pure bullshit. Your brain is being a dick and making you think all of this. I'm telling you it's not true. I'll swear on Baby if I have to." 

"My brain nev-never used to do this." I squeezed my eyes shut in an attempt to stop the tears from flowing. 

Dean was quiet for a moment, breathing heavily. 

"If you think about it, your brains not had the easiest time. You had all the leviathans in you and then Sammy's wall, then Naomi was rooting around in there. It's just trying to heal." 

"Doesn't feel like it." I huffed. 

"I'll set you straight any time you need." Dean squeezed me softly. "You and Sam are my world. He's my brother and you're my best friend. No matter what we end up as. You're always gonna be my best friend too, Cas. Nothing can change that. You mean so much to me that it scares the hell outta me sometimes. I've never felt this strong for anyone but my Mom, Dad and Sam. It scares the hell outta me. But that doesn't matter. 'Cos I know you're the same. You feel the same and it scares you too. Am I right?" 

I nodded slowly. 

"So we're gonna get through it together. You can't go giving up on me. You lost everything for me." Dean pressed a long kiss to my hair when a broken sob escaped. "You did it just for me, don't you think it's time I took care of you?" 

"You already d-do." I wiped my eyes quickly. 

"I'm serious, Cas. I want you to be okay. That's my number one thing. You and Sam are okay. And this isn't okay. I need you to be okay." 

"Y-you-you really w-w-w-want me t-to get rid o-o-of my-m-my grace?" I stammered, my hands pulling Dean's hands away from my wrists and to my chest instead as it screeched. 

Dean sighed and nodded. "Cas, I can't keep going like this, baby. I can't keep seeing you like this. It hurts me and Sammy to see how much your grace is hurting you. And you're letting it because you're scared I won't want you? That ain't right." 

"B-but you-Do you pr-promise I can st-stay?" I needed to see him, I forced myself to lay beside him, still pressing myself tightly to his side. 

Dean's arm instantly wrapped around me. 

"Yeah, Cas. I promise. No matter what happens you're _always_ mine and Sammy's family. It's gonna be nothing like last time. Last time was a gigantic mistake and nothing like it will ever happen. I swear." 

"I'll do it." I decided out loud. "I want it to st-stop, Dean. I-I can't do this anymore." 

"I know, sweetheart. I know." Dean pulled me in closer and kissed me gently, wiping away the tears from my cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey dudes  
> told you it wasn't all doom and gloom ahaha, i really enjoyed writing the whole teaching cas how to cook and i hope you liked the tiny sprinkle of fluff and maybe learned how to cook a chicken because i'm ashamed to admit i had to research that lmao  
> new chapter should be in a few days   
> lotta love and stay safe   
> C


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys  
> i'm sorry this took me so long but it took me days to get this out and i mean days and days ahaha  
> it's a pretty long and heavy chapter too  
> i hope you all enjoy   
> lotta love   
> C

**Castiel's POV**

"Morning Sunshine." Dean smiled and kissed me until my eyes opened. 

I groaned and pushed him away with a smile. 

Dean chuckled and kissed me again. "Get your lazy ass up." 

"It better be after eight." I grumbled as I pried my arms out from underneath him and untangled our legs.

"How're you feeling?" He asked, sitting up with me.

"Okay, I think." I scrunched my eyebrows, getting ready for the hole in my chest to react to being awake. 

But it didn't react. 

Just a dull throbbing. 

"Are you alright?" I turned to Dean. 

Dean smiled softly, for the first time in a while I felt like he really meant it. "Yeah. I'm good. Uh-have you changed your mind?" He bit his bottom lip. 

I blinked quickly as I tried to remember what he was talking about. 

My chest gave a small ache but I shook my head when Dean's awfully hurt face came into my mind. "Of course not." 

Dean smiled again and kissed me deeply. "I'm so proud of you." 

"Y-you are?" I asked between kisses. 

"Mhm." Dean moaned into the kiss, his hands easily pushing the covers away so he could hold onto my waist. 

"Not today." I pulled my head away. 

"Yeah. I guess we'll have a lot of preparing to do." Dean swallowed. "Y'know if you get second thoughts or anything you-you can still talk to me. I'll still be proud of you no matter what." 

"You will?" I asked, scrunching my eyebrows. 

"Always have been, always will be." He winked and resumed kissing me softly. 

My eyes closed easily as I got lost in the kiss, letting my hands find their place in Dean's hair and on his back. 

_I love you_

* * *

"So am I telling Sammy or are you?" Dean asked as we cooked breakfast whilst Sam was on his morning run and Jody was yelling at someone over the phone again. 

"You can." I nodded after thinking about talking in detail about it. 

It was a possibility that it could set off another episode and today seemed like it wasn't even a bad day. 

My first okay day in weeks. 

I didn't want to ruin it. 

"When we have breakfast or later?" He asked. 

"Whenever." I shrugged. 

Dean nodded and flipped over the bacon in the pan. "Y'know I called that guy from the restaurant. The manager who said we could have a free dinner." 

"Oh." I swallowed. "We missed it." 

Dean pursed his lips. "Yeah. I asked if we could come another time instead. He said whenever we're free." 

I nodded. "That's nice of him. But I-uh I can't leave the bunker yet, Dean." 

Dean turned away from the bacon and looked at me, holding his hand out. 

I took his hand and let him pull me up. "I'm sorry." 

Dean shook his head. "Baby steps, remember?" 

"But what if-" 

What if the moment we get to the restaurant an episode starts? 

What if an episode starts in the car on the way? 

What if I embarrass you? 

What if I can never leave the bunker again?

Dean squeezed my hand and shushed me. "We won't go until you think you're ready, Cas." 

"You could take Sam or Jody instead." I chewed on the inside of my cheek. 

"Or Jerry?" He smirked and let go of my hand. "I wanna go with you. Happy to wait." 

"Are you sure?" 

"Course I am." He grinned and turned to Jody entering the kitchen. 

"Smells good in here." She grinned.

Dean smiled back and nodded at her to sit down at the table. "What are the mooks saying?" 

Jody sighed and rolled her eyes. "The usual." 

I caught how Jody's eyes flashed to me as I sat down before looking back to Dean. 

"They can handle it." 

"It's only Sioux Falls." Dean nodded. "Nothing happens there." 

Jody snorted. "Yeah, nothing." 

I scrunched my eyebrows, I was sure that many things had happened in Sioux Falls over the years. 

The rise of the witnesses being the first thing to come to mind. 

Then when Death had raised the dead, including Jody's own son. 

I shrugged it off when Sam came in, grabbing a bottle of water and chugging it quickly. 

"Breakfast's ready Sammy." Dean grinned and nodded at him to sit down too. 

"No shower?" Sam asked. 

"Gonna have to deal with the stench." Dean teased back. 

Sam pulled a face but sat down beside me, nudging my elbow.

"You okay?" 

I nodded. "I feel okay. How was your run?" 

Sam broke into a grin. "Good. I went on that new route this time, a little further than usual. Found something you might like." 

Sam pulled his phone out as Dean plated up the food and swiped until he handed me the phone. "Swipe left." 

I nodded and looked at his phone. 

The photographs he'd taken were beautiful, I felt a small ache as I realised how long it had been since I'd even seen any nature apart from on the TV. 

The TV didn't do it any justice. 

Sam had found a small creek with a beautiful waterfall. 

I saw there was wildlife in the creek too, a few birds on the edges of the rocks. 

From the photographs I couldn't make out which kind of birds they were but still they were amazing. 

The water was clear and ran freely, the colours of the surrounding trees bouncing off it. 

"Where is that?" 

"Just a fifteen minute jog away." Sam shrugged and took his phone back. "I thought you'd like it. Can you imagine how it'd look in the snow." 

I felt my eyes widen at that possibility.

When I was sleeping outside snow had terrified me, hurt me. 

But I'd always appreciated it's beauty. 

It was cold and unpleasant to be caught sleeping in it, especially in the park or behind a dumpster. 

But to be inside the Gas'n'Sip, working late, knowing that I could sleep in the store room and watching the snow whilst I stocked up shelves. 

Watching as the snow covered everything it touched, making everything white and pure. 

No flaws to see. 

Everything was hidden. 

It was beautiful. 

"That would be beautiful. Will it snow soon?" 

Dean put my plate in front of me and sat across from me, bumping knees with me. "Couple weeks I'd say. Eat up." 

I nodded and started to eat the food that he'd cooked. "Thank you, Dean." 

Dean nodded and filled his fork with more food. "I'll have to get us some snow shovels for the cars ready for it snowing." He thought out loud. 

Sam gave him a confused look. "Where are you planning on going?" 

Dean shrugged as Sam and Jody's faces matched. "Best to be prepared I guess."

Sam and Jody dropped their questioning faces and carried on eating. 

We all fell into a comfortable silence as we finished our food, Sam and I clearing away as Jody and Dean stayed sat down sipping their coffee talking quietly. 

"Sam?" 

"Yeah." Sam handed me a plate to dry.

"When it does start snowing, are you still going to go running?" I asked. "I can't imagine it being pleasant to run in snow when it's so cold and slippery." 

Sam smiled. "I got good balance, Cas. Don't worry. You ever seen snow before? Like down here instead of watching in Heaven?" 

I swallowed. "Yeah. Last year." 

Sam's face fell as he looked away, back at the next plate he was watching. "Cas-"

"I kept falling a lot." I smiled, trying to bring the comfortable conversation back. "N-Nora said she was gonna get me a helmet when I fell for the third time one day." 

Sam's smile slowly came back. "You gotta have good grip on your shoes too. I guess I'm more used to the snow than you would've been." 

I nodded. "Most likely. Angel's don't really notice the difference of the weather on the ground." 

Sam grinned. 

"What?" 

"I just imagined Zachariah slipping on his ass in a snow storm." 

I smirked at the image that came into my head as he handed me the last plate to dry. "When you do go on your runs when it snows. Will you take more photos?" I asked. 

"Course I will." Sam nodded. 

"I really want to see it." 

Sam looked like he was about to say something but thought better of it as he dried his hands.

* * *

Today was simply unnerving. 

I was so used to having bad days and really bad days now, the days that I was sure that an episode would come. 

But today was my first okay days in weeks. 

The last time I had an okay day it had suddenly turned into an episode, at the soup kitchen. 

But that wasn't even an okay day. 

It was a really good day, I think. 

So the threat of an episode was imminent. 

How would I know when it would come? 

Would it? 

I wouldn't risk it and go outside, but I did sit in the library with Sam and talk about frivolous things for a few hours. 

Until Dean pulled me along to the kitchen with him. 

"You ready for me to tell Sam?" He asked. 

"I told you that you can." I scrunched my eyebrows at him in question. 

"Yeah, I know. But- Do you wanna be there when I tell him?" 

I shrugged. 

"Cas, yes or no?" Dean sighed. 

"What do you want?" I asked. 

Dean sighed again. "It ain't about what I want. It's about what _you_ want, Cas." 

I chewed on the inside of my cheek as I thought. 

Sam would be happy. 

It would be nice to see him have a real smile. 

But then what if it turned into an episode, then he wouldn't be smiling. 

But I'd see him as happy as Dean looked when I told him. 

I'd like to see that. 

"I'll be there." 

Dean smiled. "Jody?" 

"Isn't she back on the phone?" I asked. 

As if to prove my point we heard Jody yelling, seemingly calling someone incompetent. 

"I have a feeling she'll be off in a minute." Dean chuckled. "Sure you're okay with this?" 

"What if I-I have an episode?" 

Dean reached down and squeezed my hand, a light blush coming to his cheeks. "If you feel like you are just let me know and we go back to our room. I'll finish telling Sam after." 

"I'll try and not have one." I squeezed his hand back. 

"I'll do the talking." He promised and pulled me in for a quick kiss. 

Jody cleared her throat and we both pulled away, Dean's face now scarlet. "Just getting some coffee." She chuckled and shooed Dean and I away from the coffee maker. 

I smirked at Dean's blush and pulled him back to the library, his hand stayed in mine. 

His hand stayed in mine when we sat down across from Sam. 

It stayed in mine when Jody sat down beside Sam with a sigh, putting her phone back into her pocket. 

It stayed in mine as Sam started talking about how we should probably try and get into contact with Charlie again soon. 

His hand stayed as his cleared his throat to get Sam and Jody's attention. 

His hand was grounding me and keeping my chest from aching erratically and I think he knew that. 

"What's up?" Sam asked. 

"We got some news." Dean gave me a smile and squeezed my hand. "So,uh- me and Cas were talking last night and Cas said yes." 

"What?" Sam and Jody's eyes went wide, they both stared down at our hands. 

"He said yes." Dean scrunched his eyebrows. "Y'know, the whole grace thing?" 

Jody and Sam's faces slowly went back to normal. 

Sam rolled his eyes. "God, I thought-" 

"What?" I asked, tilting my head. 

"Nothing." Sam huffed out a laugh, his smile staying. "You said yes, huh?" 

_ache_

I nodded slowly, gripping Dean's hand tighter. 

"We still have a lot to figure out about it." Dean explained quickly. "But it's the plan for sure." 

"Cas, that's great." Sam beamed. "Are you sure?" 

"I think so." I nodded, chewing on the inside of my cheek. 

I studied his face. 

The smile never faltered. 

Sam was happy. 

I turned to Jody who was smiling too. 

"What made you change your mind?" She asked. 

I shrugged softly. 

Jody's lips went into a thin line, I knew that meant she'd want to speak to me in private later. But she quickly went back to the smile. "Good news then." 

"Definitely." Dean grinned. "You wanna talk about it some more or?" He turned to me. 

"I'm okay." I mumbled. 

"I've got a pretty good idea on how we do it but it wouldn't hurt to be fully informed." Sam pursed his lips and turned to me, clearly asking me to explain in detail. 

I blinked quickly and held onto Dean harder. "It has to be an angel blade." 

"We got plenty of those." Dean nodded. 

"And it's uh-I think-I'm not sure but I think it has to be here." I traced my free hand over my throat, where Metatron had cut me. 

"You think?" Sam asked. "I mean it would be better if we could do it somewhere less-uh-less life threatening." 

I furrowed my eyebrows. "I haven't heard of anyone else doing it in a vessel. When Anna did it-when Anna did it she wasn't in a vessel and she's the only other angel I saw apart from myself." 

Sam nodded slowly. "But your neck." He sighed. 

_Ache_

_Ache_

_Ache_

"It's risky. How deep does it have to be?" 

_ACHE_

"Sam." Dean growled. 

"It's okay." I blinked quickly. "W-when Metatron did it to me-It-it would be fatal if he didn't heal it." 

Everyone's smiles had gone now. 

"What if you kept a little just to heal yourself after?" Jody asked. 

It seemed like a good idea but just the thought of having any of them close to my neck with an angel blade was making my chest screech and my hands shake. 

"I don't think-I don't think I'd really be able to." 

Jody nodded. "I understand." 

"It's not like any angel will help us." Dean scratched the back of his neck.

* * *

"I'm sorry." I pried Dean's arms off my wrists and twisted so my face was buried in his neck. 

"It's okay." Dean kissed my hair and stroked down my back. 

"I was trying." 

"I know." He carried on stroking. "It's over now." 

"F-for how long?" I sighed and placed a kiss on his collar bone. 

Dean sighed back.

"How are you feeling now?" He asked. 

I shrugged and wiped the tears away. "Tired." 

"Sorry for uh-setting it off." He mumbled. 

"It was bound to happen." I sighed as I realised. "It was stupid of me to be there." 

I felt Dean shaking his head. "You did good. We know what we gotta do it's just the after that we gotta think about." 

I shrugged and let myself try and focus on Dean's hand running up and down my back. 

* * *

Sam and Dean had been reading all of the books in the bunker for days now. 

Jody had gone back to Sioux Falls, she promised to come back as soon as Sam and Dean figured something out. 

I found myself wishing that they'd find a solution quickly. 

I hadn't slept in days. 

But the episodes almost felt like I was sleeping now. 

I couldn't remember them. 

Not at all but it didn't take a genius to figure out that one had happened. 

'Waking up' in either Sam or Dean's iron grip, usually on the floor. 

Sometimes there would be glass on the floor. 

Sometimes there would be blood on the floor. 

Sometimes there would be a whiskey bottle ready beside me and whoever was holding me down. 

But those things were only sometimes. 

The constants of each episodes were; I couldn't remember anything from the episode, I couldn't remember what had set them off either, I always had at least two new injuries, Sam or Dean always had at least two new injuries too. 

And I couldn't heal any of us. 

I knew it was the fear. 

I knew that it was the constant waiting and researching that was making my episodes worse. 

Each day I was closer and closer to having my grace torn out of my body again. 

It made everything so much more frightening. 

I hated thinking about it but what else could I think about? 

I was always either coming out of an episode or watching Sam and Dean researching. 

They didn't let me help, knowing it would set me off. 

"There you are." Dean's voice filled my ears. 

"I wasn't hiding." I stayed sat on the hood of my car, staring up at the cieling. "There's a note in our room." 

"Not heard of texting?" He teased and pushed himself onto the hood too, sliding so our thighs were pressed together. 

"Of course I have." I rolled my eyes at his sarcasm. 

"What're you doing in here? Surely there's better things to look at than the ceiling." 

"I-I miss the stars." I mumbled, not looking away from the cieling. 

Dean sighed. "It's been pretty crazy recently, huh?" 

"I want to see them again." I felt my eyes welling up with tears. 

Dammit. 

"Hey." Dean's hand came to my cheek, wiping away the first tear that fell. 

"Dean?" 

"Yeah?" 

"B-before we c-c-" I groaned. "Can we see the stars again? Just one more time? I-I want-" 

"You mean now?" Dean asked. 

"Just before it happens." I held my hands to my chest. 

"How bad is it?" He asked, nodding to my chest. 

I shrugged. 

"C'mon." He motioned for me to slide off my car and led me to his. 

"Dean-what if I have-" 

"Then we'll get back in the car. You wanna see the stars? I'll take you. It's too late for anyone to be out anyway." He smiled sadly. 

My chest screeched at the prospect of leaving the bunker but to see the stars again, it would be worth it. 

Dean didn't hold my hand on the way to the park, my hands were holding my chest together as I kept my eyes shut. 

I didn't want to see any of the sky before the park, where the stars were at their best. 

Dean hummed along to the song as we drove. 

"We're here." Dean nudged my leg before he got out. 

I nodded and stumbled out of the car, still keeping my eyes closed. 

Dean chuckled and steadied me by holding my shoulders. "What're you doing?" 

"I don't wanna see until we're there." I explained, steadying myself on my feet. 

I knew Dean would be smirking and rolling his eyes but he kept hold of my shoulders as we walked and pushed me gently when we got to the bench. 

Feeling the breeze on my face felt strange. 

It had been weeks since I'd left the bunker. 

I'd almost forgotten how nature smelt. 

It was so fresh and pure. 

Nothing like the smell of the bunker which was usually a mix of alcohol, Sam's shampoo, Dean's aftershave, old books and whatever our last meal had been. 

The smell of the park was so much different. 

Clean and crisp. Cold. 

I let my shoulders sag as I opened my eyes, ready to see the stars again. 

Dean's arm snaked around my shoulders, pulling me so I was leaning heavily against him. 

"Happy?" He mumbled. 

"Thank you, Dean." I sighed and let myself relax on his shoulder, pulling one hand away from my chest to hold onto his hand. 

"What was the rush? Don't get me wrong, I'm happy you're outta the bunker for once but-I mean, why now?" 

I swallowed. "I guess I just wanted to see the stars one more time." 

"What d'you mean?" 

I chewed on the inside of my cheek. "With everything that's gonna happen." 

Dean waited for me to carry on, I tried to regulate the aching and twisting in my chest. 

Taking deep breaths of the outdoors seemed to help somewhat, especially with the smell of Dean's aftershave close too. 

"I don't know if I'll get to see them again." I mumbled. 

Dean tensed. "You mean if something goes wrong?" 

I nodded. 

"We're working on it. If there's even a slight possibility of it going wrong we won't do it." 

"Something always goes wrong." I sighed, trying to find familiar constellations. 

_Ursa Major- Michael and Lucifer had made Ursa Major_

_Ursa Minor- Raphael and Gabriel had made Ursa Minor_

_Orion (The Hunter)- Anna and I had made Orion. It had become one of my favourites in the past few years._

_Canis Major- Ishim and Raphael had made Canis Major_

_Cygnus- Lucifer had made Cygnus_

_Scorpius- Balthazar and Uriel had made Scorpius_

Naming the constellations in my head helped me to calm my chest down somewhat. 

"Not this time." Dean promised. "I'm not gonna let _anything_ happen to you. I swear, Cas. Nothing bad's gonna happen." 

_I love you_

"I believe you, Dean." I turned away from the stars and looked into his eyes instead, seeing my own reflected in them. 

"Good. Keep believing." He leaned in and kissed me quickly. "We got a few ideas but nothing's sticking yet. It's gonna be soon, I promise." 

We stayed outside watching the stars until the sky became lighter and the stars started to disappear, the aching in my chest was becoming more and more frequent so Dean rushed us back to the bunker. 

Sam staying with me whilst Dean went to his old room to sleep, telling Sam quietly to try and get me to go to sleep too. 

I wanted to sleep, more than anything. 

But I'd just wake up in a nightmare and have an episode so I didn't see the point in it. 

Sam didn't push either. 

He just sat beside me in bed, reading as usual whilst I tried to focus on whatever TV show was on the TV. 

It was relaxing and distracting. 

But of course it didn't curb an episode for long. 

Soon enough I was exhausted and wrapped up in Sam's frame, his hands around my wrists and my arm throbbing. 

"I'm sorry." I sighed, leaning my head against his chest. 

"It's okay. Let's get you cleaned up." 

"Are you okay?" I asked and turned to examine his face. 

Busted lip and a bruise forming on his cheek. 

My knuckles were bruised. 

"Forget about it." Sam waved me off and pulled the medical kit out from my bedside table. 

I held out my arms for him and sighed. 

Sam worked quickly and quietly, then put the kit away and sat back down like nothing had happened, picking his book up and un pausing my TV show. 

I didn't even know what the show was. 

I wiped my eyes, finding myself watching Sam instead of the show.

His bruises would only get worse instead of better. 

"I'm really sorry." I muttered. 

"I know you are, man. It's fine." 

"It's not. I don't-I don't understand how I keep hurting you and Dean." I leaned against the headboard. "It's never what I want to do. Never." 

Sam shrugged and closed his book. "I'm gonna level with you here, Cas. That okay?" 

I nodded and turned to him. 

"Your episodes-You remember them at all?" 

"Not recently." I admitted. 

"Yeah." He ran a hand through his hair. "I thought so." 

"What does that mean?" 

"They're getting worse." 

"I know. I'm averaging two a day now." 

I knew that. 

Dean knew that. 

Jody knew that. 

So surely Sam would know that. 

Sam nodded. "It's not just how much they're happening. They're-they're getting more intense. Ever since you said you'd get rid of your grace. It's just getting harder to keep you still." 

"I'm sorry, Sam." 

Sam shook his head. "You don't have to apologise, man. Really, you don't. Just-we're figuring something out. It shouldn't be much longer now. But maybe getting some sleep should help. You look terrible." 

I forced a smile. "Thanks." 

Sam smirked back and patted my knee. "How about if it looks like you're having a nightmare I'll wake you up?"

"I don't-" 

"You need to rest a bit, man. Please?" 

I sighed but moved until I was lay down under the covers, it didn't matter that it was probably the middle of the day now and it didn't matter that I had the wrong Winchester in the bed beside me.

My body just gave up on trying to fight sleep.

Instantly.

* * *

"Crowley?" I panicked, my hands were at my chest immediately. 

Dean was instantly closer, his hand on the small of my back. 

"Crowley?" I repeated. 

Sam rolled on the balls of his feet. "Uh-yeah." 

"Crowley and I don't exactly have what you'd call a healthy relationship." I heard my voice, it was full of cracks and clear panic. 

"Yeah, neither do we." Dean sighed. "Look, Cas. We wouldn't suggest it if we didn't think it would work." 

"I know but-Crowley?" I groaned. 

"He's the only person we know that could and would heal you, Cas." 

"He wouldn't." I shook my head and thought back to all of the disagreements we'd had. 

The main one being when I completely betrayed him and he swore he'd kill me. 

I knew he'd meant it too. 

"I think he would." Sam ran a hand through his hair. "He's different." 

I shook my head. "No." 

"Cas-" Dean pulled on my shirt from behind. "Hear us out?" 

"He's not going anywhere near me." I shook my head violently. "No, no, no." 

"Cas, hey. Calm down." Dean's hands moved me to face him. "Hey!" 

"I don't-d-don't care. I can't-" I wheezed, keeping my fists clenched over my chest. 

"Yeah." Dean pulled me into him, his arms too strong around me so I couldn't get out. "C'mon." 

Dean dragged me into our room. 

I didn't see Sam's face but I could make a pretty good guess. 

Disappointed. 

Angry. 

"Dean." I pulled against his arms as he shut the door with his foot. 

"Yeah, Cas?" 

"Is-is there any other way?" 

Dean let out a big sigh. 

"Doesn't seem like it." 

I let myself fall back into him as the tears flowed over. 

"What is it?" 

"Hopeless." I whined. 

"Don't say that." Dean rubbed circles on my back. 

"It's true. Just b-because I can't do one thing right-we're in this mess because I can't do anything!" I groaned. 

"That's not true, Cas. Don't say that." Dean pulled us until we were sat on the bed, I was still clinging to his t-shirt. 

Who would have thought? 

Castiel. Angel of Thursday. The leader of the Garrison. 

The angel that saved the righteous man from Hell. 

The angel that rebelled. 

The angel that started a war with an archangel. 

That angel. 

Clinging to Dean Winchester like he was a life line. 

Who would have thought that? 

"I can't do anything right!" I argued. "Ev-everytime that I try I just fail! If I hadn't trusted Metatron and made all of the angels fall and we were still in this mess then we could easily find an angel to help. We wouldn't have to ask a demon! It's wrong!" 

"I know." Dean mumbled. "But it's not your fault. You always think you're doing the right thing, Cas. That counts for something." 

"The road to Hell is paved with good intentions." I hissed. 

"Hey." Dean growled. "Quit it." 

"It's the truth, Dean." I pulled away from him, keeping my hands in fists and visible to the both of us. 

Dean shook his head. "No, no it's not. You don't belong in Hell, Cas." 

"Then where? I don't belong in Heaven either." I felt my hands shaking in time with the aching of my chest. 

It was coming. 

"You belong here." Dean forced me to look at him. "You belong here, okay?" 

I wanted to believe him. 

I really wanted to. 

He and Sam had been telling me the same thing for months but I still couldn't accept it. 

Where did a rebel angel belong? 

Hell. 

We'd all been told that from the moment Lucifer was cast down. 

I'd been told that for millennia. 

A few months wouldn't reverse that. 

* * *

I stayed in the library as both Sam and Dean caught up on some sleep. 

Jerry was at the bunker and he wouldn't leave me alone. 

Under strict orders from Sam and Dean to not leave me alone I supposed. 

But it was getting exhausting. 

"Wanna watch some TV?" Jerry asked after an hour of silence. 

"Dean's asleep and Sam's laptop's in his room and he's also asleep." I shook my head. 

"We can't sneak in?" Jerry asked. 

I huffed out a laugh. "Hunter's are very light sleepers." 

Jerry nodded. "Makes sense." 

"Yeah." I turned back to staring at the wall and waiting for an episode to come. 

It was all I could do. 

"How about the park? Dean told me you went the other day." Jerry took another thirty minutes to speak. 

I shook my head. "It was a one time thing. Besides it's four in the afternoon." 

Jerry didn't try again for another hour. 

My eyes were heavy and my body ached but Dean needed sleep more than I did. 

If I was to have a nightmare and wake him up-

He deserved a solid eight hours of sleep with no interruptions. 

"Why'd you say no to this Crowley guy helping out?" 

"He's a demon." I sighed. 

"So? From what I hear you've all got some kinda relationship with the guy." 

"He's a demon, Jerry." 

"Right. But if Sam and Dean trust him then-" 

"Crowley and I have history." I spoke through gritted teeth. 

"What kinda history?" 

I squeezed my eyes shut. 

Three hours until Dean would wake up. 

"We used to work together. Years ago. I lied to Sam and Dean about it." 

"Right." Jerry nodded at me to carry on. 

"I double crossed him and he-he took it bad. He's been wanting revenge ever since. I don't trust him." 

"But if Sam and Dean trust-" 

"They're desperate." I argued. "I can-I can try and-I'll be okay." 

Jerry sighed. "Is there no one else?" 

I shook my head. 

"Maybe try talking to this Crowley?" 

"He's not in my contacts." I shrugged. "And I don't want to." 

"D'you not think you're just dragging this out?" Jerry asked. 

"Why would I do that?" I frowned at him. 

Jerry ran a hand through his hair. "I can't imagine what it's like, Cas. But it can't be easy, just swapping species like that. I wouldn't judge you for it." 

"That's not what I'm doing." I snapped and turned away, crossing my arms. 

Jerry sighed. "You want something to eat?" 

I shook my head and rested my head in my arms on the table. 

Was that what I was doing? 

Just delaying the inevitable? 

I'd never been a procrastinator before. 

I didn't think it was a trait of mine. 

But what other way was there? 

No way any angel would even consider helping and even if they did I would never trust one of them after what I did to them. 

Demons hated me in their own right and hated the Winchester's too. 

We didn't have any spells that could fix a wound that quickly and we had no witch to perform them. 

Sam and Dean's medical experience had them well trained and well informed but not enough for a fatal neck wound. 

Crowley was the one thing that would consider helping. 

And I'd seen him multiple times since I'd betrayed him and he hadn't killed me yet. 

Was I simply making excuses? 

A plate being placed in front of me made me jump out of my thoughts. "Eat." Jerry demanded. 

There wasn't any point in arguing with him so I did as I was asked and picked at the food he'd given to me. 

"Maybe just try and talk to Sam and Dean about it a bit more? Listen to their plan." Jerry mumbled after he'd finished his food but I'd barely started. 

I shrugged. "Maybe." 

Jerry frowned but didn't say anything else. 

"Morning Sunshine." Dean smiled as he came into the library. "Jerry." He nodded. 

I pushed my plate of food to Dean and smiled, ignoring Jerry's frown coming straight back. "Did you sleep well?" I asked. 

"Like a baby." Dean chuckled. "Is Sammy still getting his beauty sleep?" 

"Seems like it." Jerry nodded. 

To get the required eight hours of rest Dean should be asleep for another two hours but he looked more rested than usual, his eyes brighter and less tired looking than usual. I didn't bother bringing it up. 

Jerry made his excuses to leave, Dean would have offered to drive him home but Jerry just shook his head and nodded at me. 

Dean gave him a knowing nod back. 

I tried to not let that bother me too much as I sat down at the chess table. 

"You wanna game before Sam gets up?" He asked and sat down. 

I nodded. "Sam taught me so I think I have a good grasp on it." 

Dean smirked and waggled his eyebrows. "I taught him, let's see how you do. You've already picked to be black so I go first." 

I nodded and watched him moving a pawn two spaces. 

I moved my own pawn to free up the castle piece.

"I was speaking to Jerry about Crowley." I mumbled as we moved the pieces, Dean snorting each time he swiped away a black piece from the board. 

"Mhm?" Dean hummed, careful to not probe. 

I grit my teeth at him being so careful around me but I understood it. 

"Jerry said that if you trust Crowley then I should too." I took his knight, watching as his eyes widened, then narrowed as he thought of what to do next. 

"I trust Crowley about as far as I can throw him, Cas. But if there's one thing Crowley respects, it's a contract and his word. Besides it's not like he'll be walking around like a free man until I know everything's good." Dean pursed his lips as he moved his queen, watching my hands carefully. 

I smirked and took his bishop. 

"How do you know he'll say yes? Crowley hates me." 

"Because we'll figure out what he wants and give it to him." Dean shrugged. 

"Depending what it is." I finished for him. 

Dean scrunched his eyebrows as he looked at the chess board. 

"Depending on what it is right?" I asked. 

Dean's eyes flashed up to mine. "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it." 

"I wanna know what he wants." I squared my shoulders. 

Dean smiled and snatched away my last castle. 

"Dammit." I huffed. 

"They your favourite piece or something?" He teased. 

I rolled my eyes. "You'll tell me what he wants?" 

Dean sighed. "Yeah, I will." 

"Okay." 

"Okay?" Dean's eyes flashed to mine. 

I held the eye contact for longer than necessary as I moved my queen on the board. 

"Checkmate." I grinned.

Dean groaned with a smile. "Best outta three?" 

That's how Sam found us hours later, an endless amount of chess games later. 

I had no idea which of us had the most amount of wins but I knew that I didn't care. 

The competitive trait that I'd been encouraged to have in Heaven was almost gone, I was perfectly content to just watch Dean's relaxed face as he tried multiple ways to distract me to cheat and steal the pawns from the board. 

I caught him most of the time and Sam ended up standing behind Dean mouthing which moves I should make next. 

My chest didn't feel as heavy despite agreeing to Crowley cutting out my grace. 

This is what a normal day without a case should feel like, relaxing at the bunker enjoying each others company. 

Maybe it would work and this would become our normal. 

That was worth going against my instincts and trusting Crowley for. 

I think anyway.

* * *

Once Jody had arrived back at the bunker and we'd all had dinner. 

I'd already had two episodes and I was struggling to stay awake as we ate, Sam and Dean left Jody to keep an eye on me as they went to the dungeon to summon Crowley. 

I wasn't allowed to be there of course. 

But Dean promised. 

He promised he'd come back and talk it through before they agreed to anything. 

"Jody?" I turned. 

Jody turned around and smiled. 

"What-what if Crowley says no? What will we do then?" I asked. 

Jody's lips pressed into a thin line. "We'll figure something out, Cas. Try and not think about it." 

I furrowed my eyebrows and went back to staring at the table. 

It was taking too long. 

Sam and Dean had been in the dungeon for almost an hour now.

 **Me:** _Is everything okay?_

Dean took ten minutes to respond. 

**Dean:** _Yeah. I'll come and talk to you in a few. Hang in there._

I nodded more to myself as I put my phone into my pocket. 

It seemed like an eternity before Dean's head appeared and nodded at me to follow him. 

He shut the door of our room quietly, his face had a deep blush and an annoyed edge to it but he still smiled.

"What's the matter?" 

"Crowley being a douche." He rolled his eyes. "The usual. You feeling okay?" 

"Worried." I nodded, completely honestly.

Dean nodded back. "He said he'll help us out. But he's got conditions." 

"What are they?" I swallowed, sitting on the bed with Dean. 

"Nothing too fancy really. Pretty much what we've been doing for the past few months, leave Crowley alone. Other demons, fine. But leave him to it." 

I shook my head. "That's dangerous." 

Dean sighed. "He's a grade A douchebag, I know that. But all he's gonna be doing is running Hell. Someone's gotta do it and honestly, I'd rather it be him than some random demon we don't know." 

"I guess. But what if he starts-" 

"Getting outta line? That's gonna be in the contract." Dean assured me. 

"What else does he want?" 

"That's it." Dean smiled. 

I narrowed my eyes. 

"That doesn't sound right." 

Dean sighed. "It's barely even a thing." 

_twist_

"What is it?" 

"The contract. He wants insurance that this isn't just some plan to get him killed. So it's like the contract he had with Bobby." 

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

"Bobby gave him his soul, Dean!" I shook my head. "No. You-you can't do that!" 

Dean's hands were on my shoulders, keeping me still, trying to catch my eyes. "Listen!" 

"You can't say yes." I shook my head harder. 

"It's a loan. Insurance. It's his until you're healed." 

I shook my head again. "I-I don't trust him, Dean. No." 

"Sammy's gonna read every single part of the contract and so am I, there's gonna be copies. We're not complete idiots." Dean smiled softly. "We're not gonna half ass this, Cas." 

"If-if you or Sam end up in Hell I-I can't come and get you this time an-and no one else will do it." I grit my teeth. 

"Good thing neither of us will go." 

"Crowley didn't give Bobby his soul back for a whole year though. He only gave it back because you had his bones." I argued, sitting on my hands to stop them from shaking. 

"I know." Dean huffed. "But I think he knows that if he tries to weasel his way outta this one he'll have at least two of us killing him." 

"This isn't funny." 

Dean bit his lip and ran a hand through his hair. "Yeah, I know. But it's what we got, sweetheart." 

I sighed. "I want to read the contract too." 

Dean nodded. "Course." 

My chest felt like it was in tatters but I grit my teeth and bore through it. 

I needed to be aware for this. 

I had to make sure that Sam or Dean didn't give up their souls or get tricked into it. 

We stopped by the library to get Jody to come with us as we walked to the dungeon. 

Crowley was stood with his hands in his pockets in a devils trap whilst Sam was reading a ridiculously long piece of parchment. 

"Ernie. How nice of you to join us." Crowley snarked right away. 

I tilted my head. 

"Cartoon. He's gonna be making gay jokes the entire time." Dean growled in my ear. "Try and ignore him so we can just get this over with." 

I nodded. 

I was used to being on the receiving end of sexuality based insults from Crowley back when we were trying to find Purgatory, I could easily ignore it then and I would ignore it now too. I knew Crowley didn't actually care anyway since his sexuality was ambiguous. I presumed he just liked to make Dean uncomfortable. 

"Crowley." I nodded. "Thank you for helping us." 

Crowley's face turned even more smug somehow, folding in on itself. "Pleasure. I've got Moose doing his law business over there. Me, you and your boy toy could go off somewhere if you like? Jody! You're more than welcome too." 

"Crowley!" Dean growled. 

"What's the matter, darling?" He smirked. 

Jody crossed her arms at Crowley, a frown deep set on her face. 

"I want the contract." I swallowed, stepping forwards. 

"We're all reading it." Jody's face went right back into her glare after she spoke. 

Crowley let out a huff of air. "So I'll be stuck here whilst all of you morons try and scramble a bloody brain cell to read? Perfect!" He yelled but snapped his fingers, a contract landing in each of our hands. 

"Exactly." Sam muttered, his eyes not leaving the contract he was reading.

_"It makes no difference anyway. It might as well be mine."_

_"Sammy, no."_

I blinked hard, wiping my eyes. 

I'd clearly fallen asleep whilst trying to read the stupid contract.

Dean was glaring at Sam. 

Their contracts on the table in front of me. 

I barely remembered reading the first sentence. 

"What are they talking about?" I asked. 

"Who's soul." Jody huffed. 

"I really don't like that." I scowled. 

"Me neither." She sighed. "I guess it's gotta be done." 

"Where's Crowley?" 

"We're summoning him again in the morning. Dean thought you'd be asleep for the night." 

I nodded and thumbed the contract, my chest aching quietly. 

Sam and Dean kept their bickering up about who was going to make the deal with Crowley until we all headed into our rooms. 

Dean grumbling under his breath about how stupid Sam was being. 

"I think you're both being stupid." I sighed and lay down beside him. 

"It's gonna work, Cas." 

"So why not let Sam do it?" I asked. 

"I-I just-uh-it's just not-it doesn't feel right." Dean finally settled on. 

"I don't understand why Crowley needs the leverage." 

"Because he's Crowley and he's a giant dick." Dean huffed. 

"Is everything in the contract okay?" I asked, finding his hand under the covers. 

I managed to make out Dean's frown in the dark. "What?" I asked. 

"I thought you wanted to read it." 

"I trust you." I smiled. "As long as there's no chance of anyone going to Hell and Crowley not getting away with anything terrible then I'm sure it's okay." 

"Yeah, I reread it a couple times when you were in dreamland." Dean stroked a thumb over my hand. "It's gonna be okay, y'know." 

I nodded. "I hope so." 

"You're crying, Cas." Dean mumbled, shuffling closer. 

"Tomorrow I'm gonna be human again. It's-It's-" I gave up on speaking, letting my eyes close and legs tangle with Dean's. 

Dean smiled against my forehead. "I know. You're handling it so well. It's gonna be okay." 

"You still promise that you won't-" 

"Yes." Dean's voice was deep and angry. "Obviously, Cas." 

"J-just checking." I settled back down into the pillow, wrapping my arm around Dean a little tighter. "I love you." 

_"W-what? Cas? .....Cas? ......D-did you just say what I-I think you d-did?"_

_....._

_....._

_....._

_....._

_"I love you too, Cas."_

* * *

"I think it's over." I gasped out, ripping my arms out of Dean's. 

Dean let me. 

My entire body was aching and hurting. 

Three episodes. 

One after the other. 

Not ten minutes between each one. 

I'd barely had twenty minutes of normalcy after I woke up in the morning, wrapped up in Dean. 

But here I was in the infirmary bed, Dean sat behind me. 

It was his turn again. 

He handled me the first time as we were in our room. 

Then it was Sam's turn. 

We figured that was it for the day so we went to the infirmary as I'd badly cut my arm on the bed frame. 

To make matters worse on the way into the infirmary another episode started and I'd apparently hit my head on the door frame, that explained all of the dried blood on my face. 

"I'm sorry." I still tried catching my breath. 

Dean's face was sad, he didn't say anything, just grabbed a wet cloth and started to clean the blood away from my face as Jody worked on my arm.

At least it was happening today. 

Maybe it was the last time I'd 'wake up' or 'zone back in' with someone holding me down and new injuries. 

Hopefully. 

**ACHE ACHE ACHE ACHE ACHE ACHE ACHE ACHE**

"D-Dean." I choked out, reaching out for him. 

"Leave him for a minute." Dean mumbled and then was suddenly all around me, gentle though. "I'm here, Cas." 

"Th-three." 

"Yeah." 

"I d-don't want any more." 

"I know. It's just your grace freaking out. We're gonna have a family meeting then we're gonna get Crowley here. It's not gonna be long now." 

"What if it doesn't work?" I mumbled into his neck. 

"Then we figure something else out." 

"If it doesn't work ca-can I have m-m-m-my grace back?" 

"Only if it doesn't work." Dean kissed my hair. "I'm gonna keep it in the bunker, nice and safe. But if it works you leave it alone, okay?" 

I nodded slowly. 

"Promise me?" 

"Promise." I whispered. 

"How's your head?" He asked, pulling out of my grip a little, his fingers prodding at my skull. 

"Sore." I hissed. 

"Sorry." He muttered and carried on. 

We stayed in the infirmary as Sam and Jody came in, both having worried looks on their faces. 

I tried to not listen to them speaking. 

I knew if I listened then it could set off another episode and that's the last thing that I wanted. 

I trusted that Sam and Dean wouldn't trick me into something that I didn't want. 

I trusted them. 

And if I was tricked again, then it would simply be deserved. 

Placing my life in their hands seemed appropriate after the past few months. 

I trusted them completely. 

"Cas?" Dean's eyes were level with mine, a serious look on his face. "You gotta tell me right now, you sure about this?" 

I nodded. 

"A hundred percent?" 

"Yes." I nodded. "I trust you." 

"We're gonna summon Crowley in here, then we've got everything we need just in case-" 

"Okay." I heard my voice cracking. 

Dean pulled me roughly into him. "We're all gonna be here the entire time, okay? And then after-after we do whatever you want. Even if it's painting Baby bright pink." 

I smiled against his shoulder. "I'd never." 

Dean let out a long breath. "You got this, Cas. I'm so fucking proud." 

**_TWIST_ **

**_ACHE_ **

Suddenly Dean was gone and it was Jody wrapped around me instead. "It's gonna be okay, Cas. Crowley's an ass hole but me, Sam and Dean have your back. Always." 

_**ACHE** _

_**SCRATCH** _

"Thank you, Jody." 

Sam replaced Jody, his hair tickling my forehead as he leaned down to hug me. 

"Don't worry about what happens next, okay? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if it works or doesn't work. You're doing the right thing. I swear. And if you don't paint the impala I will." 

I smirked despite my chest screeching. "Thanks, Sam." 

Sam squeezed my shoulder and gave me another smile before Dean sat back down beside me. 

"Ready?" Dean asked. 

I nodded slowly. 

Sam and Jody used spray paint to make the entire room into a devil's trap as Dean and I sat there. 

I didn't acknowledge how strong the paint smelled or how careful they were both being. 

All I could think and feel was how close Dean was sat beside me.

"Dean?" I whispered. "If-If it goes wrong-" 

"It's not gonna go wrong." Dean shook his head. 

"But if it does-" I turned and caught his eyes. 

Dean stared back, understanding clear in his eyes as he looked at me. 

_I love you_

_I love you_

_I love you_

Dean leaned in quickly and kissed my forehead. "It's gonna be okay." 

I wiped my eyes quickly and watched Sam summon Crowley. 

"Hello boys." 

"The lack of trust." Crowley griped as soon as he looked around at the floor. "Have we made a decision, Feathers?" 

"Yes." I swallowed. 

Crowley clapped his hands together with a grin. 

"Five minutes, Cas. It's just gonna take five minutes and then we do whatever you want." Dean promised, standing up from the bed. 

"Where are you going?" I tried blinking harder, it was bad enough that Jody had seen me crying. 

I didn't want Crowley to see that too. 

"Gotta sign the contract." Dean smiled. 

"So it's your soul?" I gulped. 

"No, mine." Sam spoke up. 

Dean grit his teeth. 

"Ah ah ah." Crowley tutted. "Squirrel's soul or no dice." 

Sam groaned. "Why do you make everything so damn difficult?" 

"You want my help or not?!" Crowley yelled then straightened his suit. 

Sam dropped his hands back to his sides, his mouth shutting quickly. 

"That's what I thought." Crowley nodded. "Pucker up, Squirrel." 

Dean scowled and pulled the contract out of his pocket, unfolding it and placing it on the table. 

"You heal him straight away. No waiting around. No smart ass comments. Nothing just cut and heal." 

"Of course, precious." Crowley licked his lips. "I signed didn't I?" 

Dean grumbled under his breath and signed the contract. 

"Why do you need to kiss him if he's signing it?" I asked. 

"Jealous?" Crowley waggled his eyebrows when Dean grimaced. "Just a perk." 

I clenched my teeth and looked back at my knees. 

My chest was aching and twisting terribly now. 

I wished I had the blanket over it. 

That would make this entire ordeal so much easier. 

"Sam, are you sure there's no chance-" I started. 

"Yeah, I made sure, man." Sam nodded from across the room. 

"Are we happy campers?" Crowley looked at all of us, each of our faces were in deep scowls. 

Especially Dean's. 

I dreaded to think what my own face looked like. 

"Lay down, Cas." Jody walked over, her hand going onto my shoulder. 

I shook my head and watched Crowley and Dean. 

Crowley was looking over Dean's signature, putting the contract onto the table. 

He then pulled out a bottle of breath spray. 

_**Twist** _

_**Ache** _

**This is wrong, Castiel**

**You know Dean would never do this**

_**ACHE** _

_**TWIST** _

I tried to control my breathing a little more, Jody's hand on my shoulder was firm as I watched Crowley and Dean inch closer together. 

Dean's face was contorted into a grimace whereas Crowley's was in his permanent smug smirk. 

It reminded me awfully of the man who had given me the drugs. 

If he hurt Dean then the deal was off. 

I watched carefully as they got closer. 

I'd hoped it would just be a peck on the lips but of course it wasn't. 

Crowley had one of his hands behind Dean's head. 

Dean's hands were both at his side, balled into fists. 

Crowley's other hand was holding his phone out, presumably taking a photograph. 

I grimaced as I watched. 

_Really?_ I saw Sam mouth to himself with an eye roll. 

"Alright, that's enough. Touchy." Dean shoved Crowley away. 

"The ladies aren't lying. Or the angels." He winked at me. 

"Are you okay?" I ignored Crowley and looked at Dean. 

"Better than ever." He smiled. "You ready?" 

I nodded and lay down in the bed, trying to breathe through my nose steadily. 

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

Jody's hand disappeared.

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

I could hear Crowley pulling an angel blade from his pocket. 

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

Crowley's footsteps were loud as they approached me.

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

**He's going to cut your neck, Castiel**

**Just like Metatron did**

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

"Cas, you okay?" I heard someone say, I didn't know who it was. 

"Y-yes." 

I forced myself to keep my eyes open.

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

Crowley was stood over me now, looking down at me.

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

I blinked quickly and griped hold of my chest to try and calm the storm. 

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

The angel blade in Crowley's hand glinted off the lights in the infirmary and into my eye.

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

"Cas! Cas! You with me?" Dean's voice. 

Close. 

Closer than he was. 

I felt someone pressed up behind me. 

"Dean?" I croaked. 

"Yeah." Dean breathed out heavily. "You okay?" 

"D-did he do it?" I opened my eyes, Crowley was sat at the table with Sam and Jody looking irritated. 

Sam and Jody had the usual concern on their faces. 

"No. You had another episode, man." Dean sighed. "Been a couple hours." 

"I'm sorry." I swallowed. 

"Cas?" He whispered. 

I turned around and un tangled my arms from his. 

"Who do you trust most in this room?" 

"You." I answered without hesitation. 

"Right." Dean nodded. "It's just-we-we tried to pin you down all three of us but Crowley still couldn't do it. You wouldn't let him near your neck at all." 

"W-what are you saying?" I tilted my head. 

Dean's hand came up and stroked over my neck, I shivered but let his hand stay there. 

Dean's jaw set, his eyes sad. "Looks like I'm gonna have to do it." 

"I-I can try again." I shook my head. 

Dean didn't want to do it. 

I didn't want Dean to do it. 

Sam sighed from across the room, I heard his footsteps getting closer until I felt the weight of him sitting on the bed. 

"That'll mean a potential five episodes in half a day, Cas. I'm not letting you do that. This is the safest way." Sam ran a hand through his hair. "You trust that Dean won't hurt you, right?" 

I nodded. "He wouldn't." 

"Okay, so just keep thinking of that. You can do it, Cas. We're all rooting for you here." 

I nodded again, turning back to Dean. 

Dean had tears in his eyes. "Dammit." He muttered. "Gonna make it real quick, okay?" 

"Okay, Dean." I mumbled and lay back down when he moved to stand up. 

Crowley let out a big sigh but I heard him walking over to the bed. 

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

_No_

_Dean's going to do it_

_Dean won't hurt me_

**He's hurt you before**

_Dean has never physically hurt me_

_Dean wouldn't try and hurt me_

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

"You with us, Cas?" Dean's voice seemed far away. 

I felt myself nodding. 

I blinked quickly to get rid of the tears, not that it even mattered anymore. 

"Crowley I mean it, as soon as the grace is out you heal." Dean ordered. 

"Yeah, yeah. Don't get your knickers in a twist. I'll have him good as new." 

"Cas, close your eyes." 

I stared back at Dean and Crowley, both stood over me, watching. 

**You need to see**

**You need to keep an eye on them Castiel**

**They _will_ hurt you**

I shook my head. 

"C'mon, Cas. Close your eyes for me." A tear ran down Dean's cheek.

"C-can't." I shook my head again. 

Dean sat down on the bed, his hand on my shoulder. "Cas, I can't do this when you're lookin' up at me like that." He wiped his eyes quickly. "Please just-just close your eyes." 

I felt someone holding my hand but it wasn't Dean. 

Dean had an angel blade in one hand and a vial in the other. 

Crowley was on the other side of the bed so it wasn't him. 

"Please, close your eyes." Dean said through gritted teeth. 

I followed his instructions even though it went against every single instinct I had. 

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

The pain was unimaginable.

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

I'd had dreams and flashbacks.

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

But it was clear they were nothing compared to the real thing. 

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

I could hear my grace leaving my body.

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

I could feel it trying desperately to stay inside.

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

I could hear myself trying to scream out.

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

I could hear Dean shouting reassurances at me. 

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

I could feel Crowley's clammy hand on my neck.

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

I could feel myself jerking away from him violently.

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

I could hear myself sobbing.

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

I heard the clang of an angel blade on the ground.

_**ACHEACHEACHE** _

I could feel myself being pulled into a sitting position. 

**_ACHE ACHE ACHE_ **

I could hear the sound of parchment being ripped up. 

**_ACHE ACHE ACHE_ **

I could smell Dean all around me.

**_ACHE ACHE_ **

I could feel Dean's body against mine.

**_ACHE ACHE_ **

I could hear Sam, Jody and Dean all telling me how well I did.

**_ACHE_ **

I could see nothing but the red shirt that Dean was wearing, blurry.

**_Ache_ **

I could feel the wetness of my tears ruining his red shirt

_**Ache** _

I could hear Dean telling me that he loved me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey dudes  
> so much to discuss, feel free to chat with me in the comments i always love a good chat about the fic and there is a lot to say about this chapter  
> the next chapter is gonna take about a week i'm guessing as it's the last dean pov and it's dean's pov of this last chapter, obviously a lot has been going on that cas hasn't been really aware of so hopefully you'll be looking forwards to that  
> also a quick side note, taylor swift's new album.   
> anyone else think that pretty much every single song is about dean and cas?   
> hopefully it's not just me  
> but like seriously the one that's the most obvious i think is 'my tears ricochet' like that song is beautiful and very dean and cas, i was thinking of doing a song fic for it if anyone would be interested ahaha  
> anyway rambling over  
> i really hope you enjoyed  
> lotta love and stay safe


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys  
> sorry this took me ages but honestly this chapter is so damn long and has so much inside that cas just wasn't all there for in the last chapter so here we go  
> this chapter is heavy and as its dean's pov of the last chapter it does describe the last scene with crowley so just an extra trigger warning for that just in case  
> anyway, hope you enjoy the chapter  
> lotta love  
> C

**Dean's POV**

I never really saw myself having a future or 'growing up'. It never really bothered me either, not properly. 

As long as Sam was happy and safe then I didn't care what happened to me. 

I'd always just assumed that I'd die with a gun in my hand at the hands of some kind of monster. It never bothered me. That was just how I'd been brought up to think of my end. 

When I was a kid I was sometimes asked by teachers and whoever Dad had shipped us off to what I wanted to be when I grew up and my answer was usually that I wanted to be like my old man and I didn't see an issue with that. Not until I became a little older and the other kids my age would be saying how they wanted to live 'the apple pie' life with a nice house and a few kids. 

I remember becoming angry at them, I'd look down on them and start fights for 'no reason' all the time. In reality I was jealous, horribly jealous because I knew deep down that I wanted that life too and I was so _angry_ that I couldn't even dream of having it. 

But I still dreamt of the apple pie life, secretly. I never told Dad. Never told Bobby. I never told Sam when he was growing up and running away all the damn time, I knew he would try and convince me to run away too. 

But I gave up on that dream because I knew that I wasn't supposed to live like that and eventually I made peace with it. 

I never saw it as a _real_ possibility anyway. 

But the one thing that I noticed when kids my age would talk about their future's was that it was all the same. 

The same image in everyone's heads. 

The same damn dream. 

I knew I wanted it. 

But I couldn't even imagine it. 

I could never see myself sitting in a rocking chair on a front porch, wrinkles all over my face and neck, a sweater clinging to my arms. Sipping ice tea and watching the day go by without a care in the world. I just couldn't even imagine that happening to me. It was never a disgust or aversion to being 'old' or simply not wanting to grow up. I just could never see myself as that old man with hardly any hair, laughing at stupid jokes that I'd heard a thousand times before, my grand kids trying to show me how to work the newest technology. That just wasn't me. 

Old age just isn't for some people. And that's fine. 

Some of the kids I met didn't see themselves as elderly either. Some of them just wanted to be middle aged and they would be fine with that. 

Living to their fifties or their sixties. They were perfectly comfortable imagining and wishing for that apple pie life where they can sit on that same damn porch with their husband or wife of twenty or thirty years, their children all grown up and starting to have children of their own. They would say they'd be content with that. 

I still couldn't see that for me though. Being that person. 

That man who is so stressed about his family, his pencil pusher career, his kids and a million other things that his hair is starting to grey, maybe even balding. He's stress eating and of course drinking. 

That's not something I ever wanted for myself. But for most people that's inevitable. It will undoubtedly happen. It wasn't going to happen to me though. I was sure. 

I accepted that way of thinking by the time I'd finished my GED. 

Instead I wished that life for Sam instead, I knew he wouldn't stick around for long after turning eighteen. I would dream up the apple pie life for him instead. 

But it always got me thinking back then. 

I was in my mid twenties, hunting with Dad and I'd lay in the grubby motel room bed or in my car and just think about how I wasn't supposed to grow old. 

I couldn't even imagine being ten years older, my mid thirties. 

I would think it was so strange to be that age. It wasn't that long away. 

Travelling with my car, from my own house to visit Sammy at his house with his family. 

It didn't seem right. 

I couldn't be that guy. 

I just couldn't even imagine it properly. 

I never wanted to plan ahead and wish for something that I knew I could never have. So I convinced myself that none of it was for me. It wasn't meant for me. 

I was going to die with a gun in my hand with some ugly creature in my face. Still young enough to run like hell and fight tooth and nail if I needed to. 

The past few months though-

I knew I could have that. 

It was for me. 

Maybe not all of the finer details of everyone else's dreams but I knew that I wanted just a slice of the apple pie life. 

Coming back home to the same place, the same people after every job that I do. 

Going grey eventually. 

Laughing at old memories with each other all the time, remembering the good old days. 

I wanted that. 

I wanted it so damn bad and I could have it.

With Cas. 

It would be hard and it would take some pretty heavy scarifies but it would be so worth it. 

We could be happy. 

Get old and cranky together. 

I could see it all happening like I'd never seen before, it was all there. 

Ever since Cas said that he would get rid of his grace it was the only thing that was getting me through his episodes. 

Knowing that it was a very real possibility now. 

The dream I'd been trying to forget about since I was a teenager. 

It was finally going to happen. 

And it was going to happen with Cas, of all people. 

I'd never expected that to happen. 

But it was the only way I could imagine it. 

Cas was the only person I could see myself getting old with and since he said yes, he'd be by my side getting old too. 

That was worth fighting for. 

I could imagine waking up like this for the rest of my life. 

Safe and warm in the bunker. At home. 

Sure it might not be some suburban paradise but it was home for us. 

I could imagine waking up in my bed for the rest of my life, every day. Well, maybe a few days in motel rooms and most likely at the kitchen table but mostly in this bed. 

With Cas. 

I turned to Cas and rubbed my eyes. 

For once the guy wasn't showing any signs of having a nightmare. 

His face was relaxed, his eyelids fluttering a little in time with his mumbling. 

His hands were trapped underneath me so they were far away from his chest.

I'd count that as a win for the day. 

First thing too. 

But soon enough I felt Cas trying to move his hands from underneath me and a frown replaced his rare relaxed look. 

His mumbling was no longer soft, it was clearly Cas disagreeing and arguing. 

I sighed. 

"Morning Sunshine." I leaned in to kiss him, easily the best way to wake him up. 

And it almost always worked. 

Cas' eyes slowly opened, he saw me and smiled but quickly tried to hide it and pushed me away with a sleepy groan. 

I snorted and leaned in for another kiss. "Get your lazy ass up." 

"It better be after eight." Cas muttered and pulled his arms out, sitting up. 

"How're you feeling?" I watched where his hands went carefully as I sat up too. 

His hands were resting on his legs, ready to move to his chest. 

"Okay, I think. Are you alright?" He blinked quickly, looking back at me. 

His hands stayed where they were, his face had lost the frown. 

Nothing to indicate anything like an episode. 

"Yeah. I'm good." I smiled. 

"Uh-have you changed your mind?" I asked, maybe pushing my luck too much already. 

But Cas barely reacted, one of his hands twitched but stayed on his leg. "Of course not." He shook his head. 

"I'm so proud of you." I lunged at him, my hands going straight into his hair as I kissed him.

"Y-you are?" He stuttered. 

"Mhm." I nodded into the kiss and pushed down the covers so I could hold onto his waist, pulling him closer to me. 

This was how I wanted every single morning to start.

Scratch just waking up together. 

This was what I wanted. 

Cas pulled his face away from mine. "Not today." He glanced at my eyes, hurt flashing in them. 

Not today? 

What the hell does he mean not today? 

I searched his face for answers, his hand was slowly inching towards his chest and away from mine. 

His grace. 

Not today. 

"Yeah." I quickly nodded and pulled him a little closer again, itching to have him even closer. "I guess we have a lot of preparing to do." 

Cas' eyes fell from mine but he let me pull him closer. 

"Y'know, if you get second thoughts or anything you-you can still talk to me." I said quickly. "I'll still be proud of you no matter what." 

The words from his letter rang around in my head, how he just wanted me to be proud. 

He needed to know this wasn't how to get that. 

He already had it. 

"You will?" He asked. 

"Always have been, always will be." I winked and leaned into him again. 

Cas relaxed under me and kissed me back, morning breath be damned. 

* * *

I didn't think that Cas would have second thoughts. 

He seemed really sure both of the times that he'd told me. 

But there was always the risk of him going back on it. 

This needed to be dealt with sooner rather than later. 

I wasn't going to wait for the other shoe to drop. 

I knew this was the right thing for Cas. 

And if it wasn't we'd put his grace right back. 

Good as new. 

But I felt it in my gut that this would work. 

This would get us both that much closer to just being _normal._

I knew it was something that Cas had always wanted.

I remembered one of our talks in Purgatory whilst keeping watch so Benny could get some sleep. 

Cas had been in a talking mood for once and he'd told me how he just wanted to be normal. 

It reminded me so much of Sam that it hurt to listen to it at first. 

But Cas has always felt so out of place. 

Too human to be an angel and too angel to be a human. 

He just never fit. 

I remembered telling him that he was overthinking it and in Purgatory we were just us. 

Just Cas and Dean. 

No one was there to notice if he was too human to be an angel or if I was too damaged from Hell to be human either. 

It didn't matter there. 

But I knew that the way he was feeling then must be a thousand times worse now. 

Flipping between human and angel on the daily must be exhausting for the guy. 

I watched him out of the corner of my eye as we cooked breakfast, Cas having the easier job of making toast instead of dealing with bacon. 

I smirked each time that he jumped when the toast popped out of the toaster. 

The real test on if he would change his mind on this whole grace deal was if he would tell Sam and Jody. 

If he wanted to keep it a secret then he wasn't sure. 

I'd deal with that if it came to it. 

But I was pretty confident. 

"So am I telling Sammy or are you?" I asked, not giving him the choice of a secret. 

"You can." Cas nodded to himself after a couple of minutes. 

"When we have breakfast or later?" I pushed. 

"Whenever." He shrugged. 

I nodded and turned back to the bacon. 

Cas jumped a little harder at the next piece of toast popping up. 

Maybe I was bringing it up too much for now. 

"Y'know I called that guy from the restaurant. The manager who said we could have a free dinner." I watched his reaction out of the corner of my eye carefully. 

"Oh. We missed it." Cas frowned, a guilty look on his face. 

"Yeah. I asked if we could come another time instead. He said whenever we're free." I said quickly. 

"That's nice of him. But I-uh I can't leave the bunker yet, Dean." Cas turned to me with that same guilty look. 

I turned fully to him and reached my hand out to him, Cas took it instantly. "I'm sorry." 

I shook my head. "Baby steps, remember?" 

"But what if-" Cas started. 

He didn't need to finish. 

I knew all of the questions racing around in his head. 

Episode at the restaurant. 

Episode in the car. 

Episode just before we leave. 

Episode. Episode. Episode. 

"We won't go until you think you're ready, Cas." I shushed. 

"You could take Sam or Jody instead." 

I tried to hide my scowl at the suggestion that Cas would let Sam or Jody go in place of him so I could still have fun or whatever. 

"Or Jerry?" I joked through my teeth. "I wanna go with you. Happy to wait." 

"Are you sure?" 

"Course I am." I smiled. 

"Smells good in here." Jody came into the kitchen and grinned. 

I nodded at her to sit at the table. "What are the mooks saying?" I asked. 

Jody sighed and rolled her eyes. "The usual." 

I knew there was no point trying to convince her to go back to Sioux Falls just to keep the cops from annoying her day and night. Jody was adamant she would stay to help us here with Cas. 

"They can handle it." Jody added. 

"It's only Sioux Falls. Nothing happens there." I teased. 

Jody snorted. "Yeah, nothing." 

I watched the entrance for Sam coming in before I'd have to save him some bacon. Luckily he came just in time, stinking up the kitchen. 

"Breakfast's ready Sammy." I nodded my head for him to sit down. 

"No shower?" Sam asked. 

"Gonna have to deal with the stench." I gave him a shit eating grin, knowing I'd struck a nerve but he sat down anyway, choosing to ignore me and take away Cas' attention instead. 

I shrugged it off and served up the food, setting a plate down in front of each of them before sitting down myself, nudging my knee against Cas'. 

"That would be beautiful. Will it snow soon?" I overheard Cas asking as he handed Sam his phone. 

"Couple weeks I'd say." I nodded, thinking back to how cold it was on the last supply run. "Eat up." 

"Thank you, Dean." 

I nodded. "I'll have to get us some snow shovels for the cars ready for it snowing." I mumbled. 

"Where are you planning on going?" Sam asked, his eyes flashing to Cas quickly. 

I shrugged, I wouldn't tell them yet, Cas was happily eating at a normal pace instead of picking at his food. "Best to be prepared I guess." 

Sam shrugged and carried on eating, I heard felt Jody's phone pinging every few minutes though. 

Each time her frown would deepen. 

"What're they saying this time?" I asked quietly as Sam and Cas started washing up. 

Jody sighed. "My good for nothing deputy." 

"Again?" I raised my eyebrows. "He was on your ass all yesterday too." 

"Yeah." Jody huffed. "Same 'issue' too. I told him a hundred times that if he has a problem to call the sheriff in Vermillion but does he do that? No." Jody groaned, opening her phone, rolling her eyes. 

"What's the issue anyway?" I asked. "Seems like there's a new one every day." 

Jody nodded. "Here's the kicker. Today's issue is the copier keeps jamming. How many times do I need to say I'm busy with a family thing?" 

I tried not to smile at her use of 'family thing'. "Stop responding, surely he'll use his common sense and just deal." I suggested. 

Jody gave me an exasperated look. "You'd sooner see pigs fly." 

I snorted and let her angrily text away. 

"I got good balance, Cas. Don't worry. You ever seen snow before? Like down here instead of watching in Heaven?" I overheard Sam talking to Cas.

"Yeah. Last year." 

"Cas-"

"I kept falling a lot. N-Nora said she was gonna get me a helmet when I fell for the third time one day." Cas said quickly. 

I forced myself to keep my breakfast in my stomach as the words sank in. 

It had been cold when I'd visited him, snowing the next time I'd seen him.

And he was outside. 

I felt my nails digging into the skin of my hand and my jaw aching from having it clenched. 

"Dean?" Jody asked. 

"Hmm?" I looked up. 

"What's up?" 

I shook my head and blinked quickly, watching Cas and Sam leaving the kitchen after finishing the dishes. 

_"Please don't make me go ba-back. It's s-so cold, D-Dean."_

"You sure?" 

I nodded and swallowed again. "How's my favourite low life doing? Any updates?" 

Jody shook her head. "Not yet. I've got my feelers out." 

"Yeah, I know." I sighed, running a hand over my face. 

"You sure you're okay?" She asked. 

"Are you?" I countered. 

Jody rolled her eyes and stood up with a sigh. 

"Calling Deputy Dumbass?" I asked. 

She shook her head. "Shooting range. And you're coming with." 

I shook my head. 

Cas was skating on thin ice as it was, I wasn't just going to trust this random okay day. 

"But what if-" 

"Sam can handle him and if he can't then he'll text us." Jody nodded at me to follow her. 

I huffed but did as she asked, shrugging my flannel off when we got inside the shooting range. 

The chill got to me straight away, giving my bare arms goosebumps. 

Good. 

Maybe I'd actually go outside like this when it snows, really understand what Cas had to deal with. 

What I made him deal with. 

"Dean." Jody waved her gun in front of my face. 

"What?" I grit out. 

"Something's on your mind." 

"Yeah." I nodded and grabbed my gun and the noise cancelling headphones. "Don't wanna talk about it." 

"Not asking you to. Shoot." Jody stepped back and started shooting at her target once I'd put my headphones on. 

I rolled my eyes at her, getting into my usual stance. 

The gun felt heavy in my hands for once. 

I'd barely picked it up in weeks. 

If I had it was only to move it just in case Cas found it. 

I shook my head, trying to shake thoughts of Cas out of my head. 

He said yes to getting rid of his grace, things were going to get better. 

I needed to stop worrying so damn much. 

My first few shots would have earned me a few harsh words from my Dad if he was around. 

But Jody wasn't watching me, she was glaring at her target and shooting carefully. 

I swallowed and steadied my gun in my hands, shoving thoughts of Jody, Cas and Sam out of my head. 

My entire focus back on the stupid target. 

Soon enough there was three clear holes through the heart, two in the head and one in the crotch just out of habit of practising in here with Sam. 

"Better?" Jody asked, putting her gun back into her jeans. 

I let out a big sigh. "How'd you know?" 

She smirked. "I was itching to shoot something so I guessed you'd be dying for it." 

"You were right." I chuckled, leaving my gun in the range before following her back out. 

Jody's phone started to ring instantly. 

Deputy Dumbass yet again by the looks of it. 

I waited for Sam and Cas to finish whatever conversation they were having before I pulled Cas with me to the kitchen. 

He seemed relaxed and at ease. 

My mind wasn't racing anymore. 

The shooting seemed to actually help. 

No time like the present. 

"You ready for me to tell Sam?" I asked. 

"I told you that you can." He tilted his head at me. 

"Yeah, I know. But-Do you wanna be there when I tell him?"

Cas shrugged and looked out of the kitchen. 

"Cas. Yes or no?" I sighed. 

"What do you want?" He asked. 

"It ain't about what I want. It's about what _you_ want, Cas." I sighed. 

Cas' eyebrows furrowed as he thought quietly. 

"I'll be there." He whispered. 

"Jody?" I asked. 

"Isn't she back on the phone?"

_"It's a damn copier not a terrorist attack you incompetent swine!"_

Jody's voice rang through the bunker. 

I snorted. "I have a feeling she'll be off in a minute. Sure you're okay with this?"

"What if I-I have an episode?" Cas swallowed. 

There it was. 

I squeezed his hand quickly, not caring that we were so out in the open instead of in our room. 

Not as much as usual anyway. "If you feel like you are just let me know and we go back to our room. I'll finish telling Sam after." I promised. 

"I'll try and not have one." Cas promised back. 

"I'll do the talking." I smiled and pulled him closer to kiss him quickly before anyone could walk in. 

But of course I got distracted in how Cas' hand tightened on mine and how damn soft his hair was and how his stubble scratched against mine slightly. 

I felt my face heat up as soon as I heard Jody clearing her throat. "Just getting some coffee." 

She shooed us both away from the coffee maker, Cas keeping hold of my hand and pulling me along. 

Sam barely looked up as we sat down, Jody didn't have the smirk on her face either when she came back. Even though Cas and I were still clearly holding hands. 

I glanced to Cas. 

His relaxed expression was slowly fading away although it was clear he was trying his damned best to act natural. 

He couldn't fool me though. 

I kept my hand in his, he needed this. 

"I mean don't you think that she's been in Oz for too long now? How would we even get into contact y'know?" Sam ran a hand through his hair. 

I shrugged. "I'm sure she's fine, Sammy. Charlie's a tough kid." 

"I know but-" 

"Sam trust me, if something happens, we'll know about it." I assured him. 

Worrying about Charlie any more than normal wasn't something I could just add to the list right now. 

Maybe when Cas was doing better I could charge into Oz and find her but not yet. 

I cleared my throat before Sam started waffling about something else. 

"What's up?" Sam asked. 

"We got some news." I nodded and gave Cas a reassuring squeeze. "So, uh- me and Cas were talking last night and Cas said yes." 

I looked to both Sam and Jody to gage their reactions. 

I expected some relief at least but instead both of them got a look of pure shock on their faces, their heads snapping down, staring and mine and Cas' hands that were linked. 

I felt Cas squeezing my hand pretty hard so it would be almost impossible to jerk out of his grip anyway, I swallowed down the urge to rip our hands apart now that Jody and Sam were staring. 

"What?!" They both squeaked. 

"He said yes." I stared back at them in confusion, my hand feeling red hot in Cas'. 

I swallowed the urge to let go again, Cas needed this. 

Sam's eyes were flashing between our hands and my face. 

Oh. 

_Oh._

He thought I'd freaking proposed? 

I almost laughed at the sheer panic on their faces now that I understood. 

"Y'know the whole grace thing?" I said, putting them both out of their states. 

Cas was clearly still oblivious to the whole silent conversation, still looking straight ahead at Sam and Jody with his confused face. 

"God I thought-" Sam's face slowly went back to normal, a smile playing on his face. 

"What?" Cas asked. 

"Nothing." Sam grinned and shook his head. "You said yes, huh?"

Cas' hand squeezed mine impossibly tighter as he nodded. 

"We still have a lot to figure out about it." I gave them both a hard look. 

_Don't press too much_

I tried communicating with just my face. 

"But it's the plan for sure." 

"Cas, that's great. Are you sure?" Sam asked with his big dopey grin. 

"I think so." Cas said quietly. 

I almost hated the tone of his voice recently. 

He used to be so sure of everything he said, he had this commanding quality about his voice. 

But it wasn't like that anymore. 

It was soft, unsure, quiet. 

Waiting for someone to tell him what to say. 

It just wasn't Cas. 

"What made you change your mind?" Jody asked, pulling me out of my thoughts. 

Cas shrugged. 

"Good news then." 

Cas' hand was pressed to mine so tightly that I could feel his heart beating like crazy. 

His breathing seemed steady though. 

"Definetly. You wanna talk about it some more or-" 

"I'm okay." Cas muttered, looking at the table. 

"I've got a pretty good idea on how we do it but it wouldn't hurt to be fully informed." Sam thought out loud, looking at Cas to explain. 

I tried sending the look to Sam again but he was focused on Cas. 

Cas was pretty much clinging to my hand now. "It has to be an angel blade." 

"We got plenty of those." I nodded. 

This conversation needed to be over quickly.

Cas could say he was okay all he wanted but I knew the signs that an episode was starting. 

_Fast heartbeat._

_Breathing a little ragged._

_If I had his hand he'd be gripping tight enough that it would hurt._

_Blinking a lot._

_No eye contact._

_Crying._

_Shaking._

_Stammering._

_Holding onto his chest._

_Running away._

He had a few of those signs already. 

"And it's uh-I think-I'm not sure but I think it has to be here." Cas moved his free hand shakily to his neck and rested it on his chest as soon as he finished tracing his finger over his neck. 

"You think?" Sam asked. "I mean it would be better if we could do it somewhere less-uh-less life threatening." 

"I haven't heard of anyone else doing it in a vessel. When Anna did it-when Anna did it she wasn't in a vessel and she's the only other angel I saw apart from myself." 

Sam nodded slowly. "But your neck." He sighed. "It's risky. How deep does it have to be?" 

Cas' hand was shaking in mine now, I could hear him breathing deeply. 

"Sam." I warned. 

"It's okay. W-when Metatron did it to me-It-it would be fatal if he didn't heal it." Cas' voice was small and terrified.

"What if you kept a little just to heal yourself after?" Jody asked, her eyes flashing to me as she spoke.

I knew my face was in a deep scowl. 

I wanted to drag Cas out of the library and just ride the episode out with him, it was coming. 

I knew it was. 

Cas must know too. 

His eyes were filled with tears now, even though he was furiously blinking them away. 

"I don't think-I don't think I'd really be able to." 

Jody nodded. "I understand." 

I sighed and scratched the back of my neck. "It's not like any angel will help us." I muttered under my breath. 

Cas must have heard me because suddenly his hand was ripped from mine and was with his other hand on his chest. 

He groaned and pulled his arms tightly around his chest, blinking and shaking. 

"Cas." I tried to pry his hand away again. 

He shook his head and yelled at me to get away from him. 

"Great." I huffed. "I knew-" 

"Who's turn is it?" Jody stood up, moving the pens on the table out of reach and taking her gun and putting it on a far away shelf. 

"I'll do it." I stood up and tried hauling Cas up with me but he jerked away too fast and crashed into the table before my brain could catch up to catch him. 

That would leave some nasty bruises, not that Cas cared right now. 

"Want help? Looks like a bad one." Sam gave me an apologetic look. 

"Just help me get him outta here." I grunted as I managed to get a grip on his wrists. 

Cas screamed and kicked at my knees. 

"No no no no no no." 

Sam nodded and tried to get his hands under Cas' arms. 

"Y-you're gonna h-h-hur-t-t me." Cas shook his head and thrashed around. 

"No one's gonna hurt you, Cas." Sam muttered as we hauled Cas up, Jody guiding us through the bunker and back to our room. 

"I'll come check on you in an hour if he's still going." Jody sighed as she left the door open a crack. 

I nodded and kept a tighter grip as Cas sobbed, trying to get free, muttering about how I was going to kill him. 

I tried not to listen to him but he could be telling the truth. 

If we didn't figure out a way to cut out his grace properly he could easily end up finding something in this place that would kill him mid episode, easily. 

But then if we did cut his grace out and we couldn't heal him, he'd be dead in minutes. 

I sniffed and blinked away my own tears at the thought of either of those possible outcomes. 

"It's gonna be okay, Cas. I'm gonna figure it out." I promised shakily. "We're gonna be okay." 

"B-but Dean doesn't w-want me when-n I'm br-broken an-and hu-human." Cas wailed, trying to get free by elbowing me in the ribs. 

"I'll take you as is, Cas." I moved so he couldn't move his elbows anymore which caused another round of shouting. 

It took two hours for Cas to finally calm down enough that I could loosen my grip for a few minutes at the time. 

Jody came and tried to take over but it set Cas off all over again so I just stayed put, keeping him locked down in my arms. 

"I'm sorry." Cas' broken voice came after another hour, pulling my arms away gently. 

I let him. 

He twisted until he was laid on me instead of being trapped by me, his face buried in my neck. 

"It's okay." I kissed his hair and ran a hand down his back. 

"I was trying." Cas was still crying but it wasn't out of control. 

His breathing was shaky but not ragged. 

His heartbeat was slow. 

He wasn't shaking. 

His arms were around me, not near his chest. 

He was okay. 

"I know. It's over now." 

"F-for how long?" Cas sighed and kissed my chest. 

"How are you feeling now?" I ignored his question. 

Cas shrugged and moved his hand to wipe his face before putting it back around me. "Tired." 

"Sorry for uh-setting it off." I muttered into his hair. 

I didn't realise he would hear me. 

I thought I'd said it quietly enough. 

"It was bound to happen. It was stupid of me to be there." Cas defended me. 

I shook my head. "You did good. We know what we gotta do it's just the after that we gotta think about." I chose my words carefully. 

Cas shrugged again and relaxed a little more, his hand mimicking my movements on his back but on my shoulder. 

Slowly his breathing became heavier and his Enochian mumbling started up. 

If I knew that that would be the last time he got some sleep for a while I would have convinced him to stay asleep longer than a few hours. 

But I didn't know. 

I wasn't sleeping much either. 

Sam and I were hitting the books non stop, Jody had even taken some copies back to Sioux Falls with her. 

She made us both promise to call as soon as we found anything or if somehow Cas got even worse. 

I doubted it was possible for it to get any worse but I'd been wrong about Cas' situation getting worse before. 

Most of my days were spent in mine and Cas' room, reading through the books and texting Sam about possible ideas. 

Cas would be lay beside me, not asleep but usually just staring away from me, holding onto his chest and fighting tooth and nail to not go into an episode. 

But he'd always lose the fight. 

Each day it was two episodes. 

I would usually take the earlier one and Sam would take the one that would come later. 

Unless it was the middle of the night and woke me up then I would take it. 

But the books had no solution. 

I was checking and double checking everything. 

There was nothing on an angels grace being cut out whilst in a vessel. 

Nothing. 

So healing spells it was. 

But it was all next level magic, not something anyone could do without summoning a demon or having real magic in their blood. 

**Sam:** _Found anything?_

I sighed and closed my book, letting one of my hands rest over Cas' hand on his chest, not that I think he even noticed. 

**Me:** _Nada, you?_

 **Sam:** _Same here, how is he? Need me to take over?_

I looked to Cas, the shaking had started and he'd pushed my hand away from his chest.

 **Me:** _Think he's gonna have another soon. Want me to bring him to you or you come here?_

 **Sam:** _Gimme two minutes_

I sighed and put my phone away. 

"Cas?" 

Cas grunted in response. 

"I'm gonna go on a supply run. Want anything picking up? Sammy's gonna stay with you." 

Cas shook his head. "I'll b-be okay al-alone." 

"Just in case. Watch some movies or something." I forced a smile before I pulled myself off the bed. 

"O-okay." Cas sighed, giving up the argument before it had even started. 

Because that was definitely the Cas that I knew. 

I grit my teeth and bit my tongue to keep from yelling at him to just yell at me. 

Because that made perfect sense. 

"You good?" Sam came in. 

I nodded. "Want anything from the store?" 

"Running low on bandages again." He muttered low. "And some more notepads. I'll call if it gets bad, take your time though. Look like you need the air." 

I nodded quickly and bolted to the garage to get in the car. 

It took me barely twenty minutes to get everything from the store. 

But Sam did say to take my time.

I chewed on my lip as I checked my phone, no new messages. 

I called Sam.

"Yeah?" 

"How is he?" 

"Just started." Sam sighed down the phone as I heard a scream from Cas. 

"Dammit." 

"I got him though. He told me before it started properly and he's not fighting so hard, I think he's tired." 

"Yeah, he's not slept in days." I muttered. 

"I'll call if he gets too much."

"Promise me, Sammy." 

"Yeah, I swear." Sam grunted down the phone and hung up. 

I chewed harder on my lip as I thought. 

I didn't even know what I could do. 

I could stay out and drive but where would I go? 

I couldn't go too far and not be able to get back home at a moments notice. 

But if I just went straight back I'd just be waiting for Sam to give the all clear. 

I decided to take the long route home. 

"Dean!" I heard someone shout as I drove slowly down the road. 

I slowed down more and parked, looking around. 

Finally I saw a familiar figure running towards me, Jerry. 

I sighed and got out of the car, leaning against it to wait for Jerry. 

"Where's Cas?" He asked, looking in the car. 

"At the bunker. With Sam." I swallowed. "Thought you have soup kitchen on Thursdays?" 

"Yeah, it's ten thirty dude." Jerry grinned. "I'm on my way home." 

"You wanting a ride?" I asked, that would kill some time.

"Where are you going?" 

"Getting some air, apparently." I rolled my eyes. 

"Doctor Sam?" Jerry smirked. 

"You guessed it." I huffed. 

"Uh-how is he?" 

"Cas?" I asked. 

Jerry nodded. 

I ran a hand through my hair. "You got time for some food?" 

"That bad?" Jerry frowned.

I shrugged and got back into my car, nodding at him to get in. 

"Must be bad if you wanna talk to me about it." Jerry frowned as we sat in the diner. 

"Not like we've been keeping you updated. Cas not spoken to you either?" I shrugged. 

"Just keeps telling me he's fine. Won't answer calls though." 

"Typical." I nodded. "He's a lot worse." 

"Go on." Jerry took a drink. "Then I'll figure out what I can do to help out." 

I sighed and explained everything. 

It awful detail to him. 

Jerry didn't interrupt. 

He just nodded and sipped his drink, chewing his food. 

Every now and then his expression would change. 

Sometimes he looked sad. Sometimes he looked angry. Most of all he just looked lost. 

I unloaded everything, how scared I was that Cas was going to find some way to kill himself during an episode and it would be too late. How he'd react to being human again, would he turn back to drugs? How would we even heal him afterwards? How would we even get close to him with an angel blade? 

It took what felt like years to tell him everything. 

But eventually I did. 

I expected Jerry to at least say he was happy that Cas agreed to taking his grace away but he didn't say that. 

"When was the last time you slept, Dean?" 

"What?" I scrunched my eyebrows. 

"You heard." He sighed. 

"Couple days. Why's that matter?" 

"You and Sam need to sleep if you wanna find any solution. You look like shit, man." 

"Gee thanks." I huffed. 

"How about I come over in a few days? You and Sam catch up on some sleep, I can distract Cas for a bit. I'll yell if anything happens." 

"I don't-" 

"C'mon. I need to make sure he's okay and if he's got two sleep deprived guys trying to find a solution-" 

"Yeah, yeah. I get you." I sighed. "Fine." 

Jerry smiled.

I drove him back to his motel and raced back to find Cas sat in the library glaring at his arms as Sam bandaged him up. 

"You said-" I started angrily. 

"It's not that bad." Sam argued quickly. 

Cas huffed. 

I walked over to inspect the injury, a clean deep cut just underneath his elbow. 

Sam covered it before I could look further into it. 

"Sorry." Cas mumbled. 

I squeezed his shoulder. "I saw Jerry whilst I was out." 

Cas looked up at me. "Is he okay?"

"Yeah." I nodded. "He's gonna come over soon." 

I saw fear and shame flash onto Cas' face. 

"But until then how about I fix you both up some grub?" I smiled, shaking the bag. 

"I'm not hungry." Cas shook his head. 

"Sam?" I asked. 

Sam shook his head too. 

We needed to figure this out and soon. 

"I'm gonna get changed." Cas muttered and stood up, leaving the room before I could argue. 

* * *

Running away before an episode was a new thing with Cas and it was rare but sometimes it would happen. 

Usually he'd go to the dungeon. 

Once he'd gone to my old room and I'd found him just before his episode started and dragged him out all whilst screaming at him for being so damn stupid which only spurred on the freaking episode. I'd forced Sam to deal with him whilst I moved all of the weapons that were in there into Sam's room. 

But it wasn't often that he did it. 

But it was often enough that I didn't like leaving him on his own just in case he'd have an episode and leave the room I'd leave him in. 

So when I came out of the bathroom and back into the empty room I freaked out. 

I spent about thirty seconds shouting his name until I got Sam involved in looking for him. 

A quick glance in the usual places. 

Our room: no

The library: no

Jody/Jerry's spare room: no

My old room: no

The dungeon: no

Sam had just come from his room so he wasn't in there but I checked anyway. 

Nothing. 

"You check the gym, I'll check the shooting range." I ordered before bolting towards the range, all whilst calling Cas' phone which I could hear ringing from the library. 

So he'd left his phone. 

Perfect. 

He wasn't there either. 

"I'll stay here in case he shows back up, you go look. I'm thinking either Jerry's or the park. Maybe the soup kitchen." Sam let out a huff of breath as he picked up Cas' phone and started going through it. "No recent texts to anyone." 

I groaned. "I'll text you." 

"Got it." Sam nodded and went back to shouting Cas' name down the halls. 

I slammed the door to the garage and raced to get into my car, I almost didn't notice Cas sitting on the hood of his car. 

I let out a huge sigh of relief and quickly text Sam letting him know I'd found him and that I'd be fine if he wanted to get some sleep. 

"There you are." I heard my voice crack because I'd been shouting for him for so long. 

"I wasn't hiding." Cas mumbled back. "There's a note in our room." 

"Not heard of texting?" I rolled my eyes and climbed onto the hood beside him, studying his face. 

No tears, no shaking, no chest holding. 

"Of course I have." Cas rolled his eyes but carried on staring at the ceiling. 

"What're you doing in here? Surely there's better things to look at than the ceiling." I asked, pressing my thigh to his. 

"I-I miss the stars." Cas admitted, still not looking away. 

I sighed. 

"It's been pretty crazy recently, huh?" 

How long had it been since he'd even been outside? Never mind to just watch the stars like he wanted to. 

"I want to see them again." Cas frowned, his bottom lip wobbling a little as his eyes filled with tears. 

"Hey." I whispered and wiped the first one away. 

"Dean?" Cas' voice cracked as he turned to look at me, our faces so close I could feel his breath on my cheek. 

"Yeah?" 

"B-before we c-c-" Cas groaned, closing his eyes tight which made a couple more tears fall.

_Stuttering_

_Crying_

"Can we see the stars again? Just one more time? I-I want-" Cas kept his eyes closed as he fumbled through his words.

"You mean now?" I asked. 

I'd been trying to get him out of the bunker for days and days before it had gotten this bad and _now_ he wanted to go?

"Just before it happens." Cas' hands moved to his chest, his eyes opening again and finding mine. 

I guess we could risk it. 

It was late and peaceful outside, if a little cold probably. 

We could just sit on the hood of the car outside the bunker and go back inside whenever we needed to. 

But looking at Cas I knew he wanted to go to the park and watch the stars because the stars were way more clear there apparently. 

"How bad is it?" I nodded to his chest. 

He shrugged, moving one hand back to his lap. 

"C'mon." I slid off his car and nodded at him to follow me to mine. 

Cas' eyes widened. "Dean-what if I have-"

"Then we'll get back in the car. You wanna see the stars? I'll take you. It's too late for anyone to be out anyway." I forced a smile at having to still convince him to go outside even though it was his idea. 

What happened to the guy who was impossible to keep around to finish a damn conversation without flying away dramatically?

Cas nodded shakily and got into my car, both of his hands on his chest the entire way. 

His body was shaking a little and he kept his eyes shut tightly. 

I hummed along to the song on the radio as we drove, trying to distract him from the sound of the car's engine. 

"We're here." I tapped on his leg. 

I pulled myself out of the car and went around to his side where he was stumbling out of the car with both hands on his chest and both of his eyes shut. 

"What're you doing?" I chuckled and caught him by his shoulders. 

"I don't wanna see until we're there." Cas pursed his lips but finally managed to stand upright. 

I rolled my eyes at him but kept a firm hold on his shoulders as we walked up the short path to the usual bench. 

Cas didn't open his eyes once we sat down, he had a strange look on his face. 

Like he was thinking too hard but also relaxing at the same time. 

I was about to ask if he was okay but his shoulders sagged as he opened his eyes. 

They were still red rimmed and filled with tears that he was blinking away furiously, staring at the stars with his mouth hanging open. 

I smiled at the look of wonder on his face and wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulling him closer to me. 

Cas let himself fall into me, resting his head on my shoulder. 

"Happy?" I mumbled into his hair. 

"Thank you, Dean." He whispered and shakily moved one hand away from his chest and grabbed my hand, squeezing it hard. 

"What was the rush? Don't get me wrong, I'm happy you're outta the bunker for once but-I mean, why now?" I asked, squeezing his hand back. 

"I guess I just wanted to see the stars one more time." Cas said softly, his eyes following the stars. 

"What d'you mean?" I scrunched my eyebrows, fear being my first reaction in my gut. 

Why one more time? 

"With everything that's gonna happen." Cas explained after a moment. 

His breathing became ragged for a few seconds before he sat completely still for around thirty seconds until it regulated. 

"I don't know if I'll get to see them again." Cas stared right ahead, refusing to look anywhere close to me but his grip on my hand was strong. 

I felt myself tense up at the thought of something going wrong. 

Jerry saying it was very possible if Sam and I didn't get some sleep and clear heads. 

"You mean if something goes wrong?" 

Cas nodded. 

"We're working on it. If there's even a slight possibility of it going wrong we won't do it." I promised. 

"Something always goes wrong." Cas sighed, his tone wasn't argumentative, just incredibly sad.

I swallowed and pulled him a little closer, gripping his hand a little tighter. 

"Not this time. I'm not gonna let _anything_ happen to you. I swear, Cas. Nothing bad's gonna happen." I swore.

Cas' sad face lifted a little into a small smile as he turned around to look at me. 

"I believe you, Dean." He said sincerely. 

"Good. Keep believing." I leaned in and kissed him. "We got a few ideas but nothing's sticking yet. It's gonna be soon, I promise." 

"I wish it was like this all the time." Cas sighed after a few more minutes, back in our original position of my arm around his shoulders, his head on my shoulder and our hands intertwined. 

"You mean the sky or us?" I asked. 

"Both." He smiled. 

"Me too." I kissed his hair and turned back to the stars. 

"Why'd you like the stars?" He asked. "I like them because it-it's like Heaven again but I-I never asked you." He turned to look at me. 

I grinned and leaned down to kiss him again, the opportunity too great to ignore. 

Cas smirked and kissed me back. "Tell me." 

"Me and Sam used to star gaze sometimes." I explained. 

"Why'd you stop?" 

I shrugged. "It wasn't something we really stopped I guess. We just haven't done it in a while." 

"Why not?" 

"I wouldn't call it a hobby like you do." I scrunched my eyebrows. "It just happened every so often, when the job was done and it was a clear night. Nothing better to do than just look at the sky I guess." 

"But you like it?" Cas asked. 

"Course I do. It's nice to look at." I nodded. "Also I've got my own astronomy teacher here now." I winked. 

Cas rolled his eyes. "I am better than the books with the sky." 

"Damn straight you are." I squeezed his hand. 

We didn't speak for a while but every so often I'd stand up and stretch my legs and Cas would either bring his legs up to cross them or uncross them. 

Switching between holding his chest and holding my hand. 

Eventually he was only holding his chest for a half hour straight and tears were flowing down his cheeks and I called it. 

"C'mon. Time to get you home." 

Cas didn't even argue he just nodded and followed me down the path and to the car. 

His crying got steadily worse as we drove. 

"I-I don't understand, Dean." He whimpered once we were back at the bunker. "It j-just hurts and th-then this starts!" He yelled at himself, keeping his arms wrapped around his chest. 

I tried to hide my yawn as I guided him into the bunker. "Just the cards we got, man. We'll deal." 

"Not fold." Cas nodded to himself and followed me.

I left Cas to get changed and called Sam to wake him up and come help me with Cas. 

No way would I be able to stay awake and stop him from hurting himself. 

"Get him to go to sleep." I muttered to Sam as I left the room. 

Sleeping in my old bed felt strange but oddly comforting to know that I wouldn't wake up to a kick in the shin of a punch to the side of my head if Cas started an episode in his sleep. 

Sleep didn't last long though, soon enough I was woken up to Cas' shouting echoing through the halls, thankfully it didn't last long. 

A few thumps and bangs and more wailing from Cas. 

But no smashing and no shrieking. 

Not the worst. 

**Sam:** _He's good. Go to sleep_

I huffed and rolled back over. 

Jerry's advice rang in my ears about missing something important if we were sleep deprived. 

Four hours was all I could manage before I was hauling myself out of bed to check on Cas. 

Sam shushed me as I opened the door, nodding to Cas who was sprawled out on the bed, one leg hanging out of the covers and over Sam's legs and his head buried in the pillows. 

Soft Enochian words coming from under the grey blanket. 

"I could freaking kiss you." I chuckled. 

"Save that for Cas." Sam snorted. "Passed out about five hours ago. You could probably get some more shut eye if you want." Sam nodded to his book that was propped up by Cas' leg.

I shook my head. "I'm good. You want something to eat?" 

"Could go for a burger." He looked over at me. 

"Coming right up." I smiled and headed to the kitchen. 

Sam moaned quietly as he at the burger at the desk. 

I grinned and nodded to the book he'd left by Cas still sleeping in the bed. "Demons?" 

Sam raised his eyebrows. "Yeah, so the witch thing was a dead end right?" 

"Right." I nodded. "Demons aren't exactly lining up to do us favours, Sam. Also they can't heal. That's not their gig." 

Sam frowned. "Are you sure he won't wake up?" 

"A bomb could go off and he'd still be snoozing." I rolled my eyes. 

"Okay so get this, a demon can't heal. That's an angel's circus trick but a cross roads demon can do _anything_ pretty much." 

"You're saying we should make a cross roads deal?" I chuckled. "Sammy, demons don't make deals with us anymore." 

"I'm just looking into how it works that's all." Sam shrugged."We could summon one and demand that-" 

"They'd all rather die." I shook my head. 

Sam pursed his lips. "Look, if it's a legit deal then a demon literally can't go back on it or against the contract." 

"Crowley did with Bobby. Until we forced him." I reminded him. 

"That's because Bobby didn't read the contract, Crowley added loopholes." Sam nodded. "I think this could work." 

"Provided there's no loopholes, the demon doesn't double cross us, Cas even thinks about saying yes to a demon going anywhere near him and a demon agreeing to all of this." I ran a hand through my hair. 

"I was thinking we could ask Crowley." Sam muttered into his food. 

I forced of a huff of air. "Yeah, that's likely to go well." 

"He's got a soft spot for Cas. I know he does." Sam argued. 

Cas rubbed his eyes and turned over. 

I nodded to the door. 

Sam sighed and followed me out. 

"Soft spot? The douche bag threatens to kill him all the damn time." 

"I'm pretty sure that's how Crowley shows his affection." 

I groaned. "This-You can't be serious, Sammy. It's freaking Crowley. The guy that Cas freaking double crossed in the biggest damn way. We can't trust him. Not with Cas." 

"He's changed. Look, I'm not saying we just trust the guy. But we can ask, we can read the contract. We can make sure there's no loop holes and if he tries anything we kill him on the spot." 

"And that leaves us with both Crowley and Cas dead." I said through gritted teeth. "I-I can't-no." 

"There's no way that Crowley would risk himself being ganked by us. He's too in love with himself. He'll come through." 

"What is he gonna want though?" I asked. 

I couldn't believe I was even considering this stupid damn plan. 

I'd rather test our luck with some freaking magic healing spell at this point. 

Sam shrugged. "We can at least summon him and see what he'll want." 

"We've gotta run it by Cas first." I sighed. 

"Yeah, course." Sam nodded. "You in?" 

"I'll go read up on cross road demons. You okay with him for a while?" I asked. 

"Yeah, I'll text Jody as well." He headed back into the room. 

I sighed and headed into the library and pulled all of the demon books off the shelves and started reading. 

* * *

I knew that telling Cas would be difficult. 

I tried to speak to him about it when he woke up but I chickened out because he looked so damn confused on why his arm and leg were resting on Sam instead of me that I had to take a photo from the desk I was leaning on. 

"Surprise." Sam chuckled. 

Cas just looked more confused as he blinked a few times to wake up. 

Then I tried to speak to him after Sam left to make some food for us but Cas had an episode mid conversation about some TV show.

I tried talking to him about it as I reheated his dinner but Jody called and wanted an update which distracted me completely as I told her I couldn't talk about it right now. 

Sam cornered me as I came out of the bathroom. 

"You spoken to him yet?" 

I shook my head. "You wanna tell him together or something?" 

"Yeah. We should tell him soon." 

"Ask." I corrected. 

Sam gave me a confused look. 

"We can't just tell him that it's the plan, Sam. He's gotta say yes to it." 

"Yeah, obviously." Sam rolled his eyes. 

I scowled back at him. 

Sam held his hands up. "Look, I just want this to be over." 

"You think I don't?" I growled. 

Sam sighed dramatically. "Let's go ask him." 

Cas was fine when we went back into the library. 

He was exactly how I'd left him, flicking through his book. 

Sam cleared his throat. 

Cas looked up in question. 

"We uh-we think we might have something. Just gotta run it by you." I nodded at him to stand up. 

Cas pulled himself off the chair and stood in front of us both, a curious look on his face. 

"Okay so it's gonna sound a bit out there at first but just trust us." Sam bit his lip. 

"Okay." Cas tilted his head. 

This was a bad idea. 

There was no way that Cas would ever say yes to this. 

He hated Crowley. 

Crowley hated him. 

This whole Crowley having a soft spot for Cas was all bullshit. 

But it was too late to stop Sam, he was already talking through the plan. 

"Crowley?" Cas' eyes went wide and filled with tears, his arms around his chest. 

I stepped closer and held him steady with my hand behind his back.

What could I even say to calm him?

He was already shaking and his breathing was barely recognisable as human. 

"Crowley?" Cas said again, a little louder. 

Sam frowned as he looked at Cas, clearly regretting our decision now. "Uh-yeah." 

"Crowley and I don't exactly have what you'd call a healthy relationship." Cas' voice cracked and wavered on each word. 

But at least he wasn't stuttering yet. 

"Yeah, neither do we." I sighed and turned to him. "Look, Cas. We wouldn't suggest it if we didn't think it would work." 

"I know but-Crowley?" Cas let out a groan, his hands getting tighter around his chest, squeezing his eyes shut. 

"He's the only person we know that could and would heal you, Cas." Sam stepped closer. 

"He wouldn't." Cas shook his head rapidly, still not opening his eyes. 

"I think he would. He's different." Sam tried again. 

Cas carried on shaking his head. "No." He forced out. 

"Cas." I pulled his shirt to get his attention away from saying no under his breath over and over again. "Hear us out?" 

"He's not going anywhere near me. No, no, no." Cas' voice was getting more and more panicked as he spoke, his hands not just holding his chest anymore but punching his own chest now. 

"Cas, hey. Calm down." I grabbed his shoulders and forced him to face me, trying to catch his wrists. "Hey!" 

Cas pushed me away from him and lurched backwards, punching his chest more and more. "I don't-d-don't care. I can't-" He kept shaking his head and whispering no to himself. 

"Yeah." I sighed and tried again to pull him closer. "C'mon." 

Cas tried fighting against me but his movements were sluggish and weak, crying taking over. 

I dragged him back to our room and struggled to get him onto the bed without getting hit by a fist of a foot. 

"Dean." 

That didn't sound like Cas in the middle of an episode. 

"Yeah, Cas?"

"Is-is there any other way?" 

He was clearly hanging onto being coherent by the skin of his teeth at this point. 

I sighed. 

I wish. 

"Doesn't seem like it." I admitted. 

Cas' body relaxed against mine, a sob ripping through his chest.

"What is it?" I asked uselessly.

"Hopeless." Cas let out a high pitched whine as he choked on another sob. 

"Don't say that." I tried soothing but what could I say? 

It was true. 

This entire damn thing was hopeless. 

Our plan was to rely on freaking Crowley. 

"It's true. Just b-because I can't do one thing right-we're in this mess because I can't do anything!" Cas yelled into my chest. 

"That's not true, Cas. Don't say that." I shook my head, swallowing the bile that rose at the broken tone of voice. 

Cas let out more broken sobs, clinging onto my t-shirt. 

Thankfully he wasn't hitting himself anymore and he wasn't hitting me. 

Had he gotten himself out of the episode before it started properly?

"I can't do anything right! Ev-every time that I try I just fail! If I hadn't trusted Metatron and made all of the angels fall and we were still in this mess then we could easily find an angel to help. We wouldn't have to ask a demon! It's wrong!" Cas whimpered as I felt his arm move to hold his chest between us. 

"I know." I nodded. "But it's not your fault. You always think you're doing the right thing, Cas. That counts for something." I tried.

"The road to Hell is paved with good intentions." Cas said in a mocking tone. 

"Hey, quit it." I snapped back.

"It's the truth. Dean." He pulled away, his hands visible. 

I shook my head. "No. No it's not. You don't belong in Hell, Cas." 

"Then where? I don't belong in Heaven either." Cas was pretty much vibrating now, blinking so fast that the tears just didn't stop flowing. Looking at me like I knew all the damn answers in the world. Terrified.

I stared right back at him. "You belong here. You belong here, okay?" 

"I-I can't-I don't believe y-you." He choked on another sob as he spoke. 

"Oh Cas." I wiped my own eyes and pulled him back into me. "How do I prove it?" 

"I-I don't kno-o-ow-ow." Cas wailed. "De-Dean it's hurting!" He screeched. 

I quickly flipped him over and got him in the usual episode position before he could start hitting either himself or me. "I know it is." I sighed. "Looks like a bad one, gonna shout for Sammy. Okay?" 

"I w-want Dean." Cas whimpered and fought against my arms. 

It was going to be a long damn night.

"D-don't wann-wanna feel ag-again." Cas pushed against me as Sam came into the room. 

"Where's th-the man? I wan-want him." Cas stared at nothing as he thrashed around. 

"Who's he talking about?" Sam asked. 

"Hell if I know." I shrugged, tightening my hold. 

Cas tried throwing us both off the bed and hollered when it didn't work. 

Screaming in Enochian about how he wanted the pills back. 

"Dean, go." Sam said as soon as the words left Cas' mouth. 

Before I'd managed to translate them in my head. 

"You gonna be okay?" I asked, already pulling my arms from around Cas and handing him over. 

"Yeah." Sam nodded. 

I didn't wait to be told twice as I made my way to the shooting range, picking up my gun and shooting every single target, imagining it was the scum bag who'd sold Cas the drugs. 

Even with blurry eyes I made each shot. 

I yelled out in frustration as everything still hurting and the anger bubbling just under the surface, still not released. 

I found myself in the bunker's gym going to town on the punching bag we'd gotten installed a few months ago that we'd barely used. 

My knuckles screamed and my arms burned, sweat was making my hair stick to my forehead but I carried on. 

_"Yeah, man. Fair is fair. I'll get the cash outta my car." The guy we were hustling sighed and patted his pockets, heading out of the bar._

_I turned to Sam who had his 'this guy is shady as hell, Dean.' look on his face._

_I agreed._

_I gave the guy a minute before I followed him out._

_A gust of wind blew as I stepped outside, I cursed and wrapped my jacket tighter around myself._

_Freaking Idaho._

_Three cars._

_Three cars in the lot and the guy wasn't near any of them._

_Dammit._

_I wanted to get the hell out of Idaho but we were running low on cash and I didn't like making a habit out of hustling close to home and if that guy had done a runner on us we'd be in Idaho even longer._

_I rolled my eyes, about to text Sam to tell him the guy had dipped but I heard some rustling behind the bar._

_Was the guy stupid enough to try and wait us out?_

_I slowly followed the rustling, a hand hovering over my gun._

_I didn't expect to see another guy there, looking just as shady as the guy we were hustling._

_"Hey man, you got the cash? We gotta be heading home." I huffed._

_"Hang on, kid." He growled and turned back to the other guy he was talking to._

_I raised my eyebrows at him. "Get your ass in there and give me and my brother what you owe us."_

_The shady guy turned to me and grinned, showing off his almost green looking teeth._

_I grimaced and looked away, at the other guy who'd shown up._

_Scruffy, small and a desperate look on his face._

_Looking right at me, chewing his lip._

_He clearly wanted me to leave him and the shady guy alone._

_I recognised the hollow cheeks and scruffy clothes from the homeless people in Lebanon. What was he doing at a bar with this guy?_

_I sighed impatiently and crossed my arms. "C'mon man. It's getting late."_

_"Gimme a damn minute." The guy pressed his lips into a thin line, something white in his hand caught my eye._

_Clearly come kind of medicine._

_Strong._

_Label ripped off._

_He was selling this homeless kid drugs?_

_To pay me and Sammy off?_

_I felt the bile rising up but the anger easily beat the nausea._

_"What the hell are you doing?" I heard myself yelling as I got closer._

_The homeless kid flinched back but the shady guy stood his ground, a frown on his face._

_"Business. Just go back inside. I'll give you and your bro your money, pretty boy." He rolled his eyes and turned back to the kid, eyeing him up like a piece of meat. "Maybe give me ten minutes." He smirked._

_The homeless kid grimaced but looked down, his eyes not moving from the bottle of pills in the guys hand._

_Oh God._

_No._

_This is exactly what happened to Cas._

_"You're gonna take this kids money?" I swallowed, please don't let it be true._

_There had to be a better explanation._

_Please._

_"I can't afford it all." The kid mumbled, still staring at the bottle of pills._

_"I know kid." The guy smirked again, pressing a hand against his jeans and licking his lips as if he'd forgotten I was there. "I'm only fifty short on these guys so that's all I need."_

_The homeless kid nodded, he didn't seem to care that I was still standing there and watching all of this happen as he sank to his knees._

_Cas. Cas. Cas._

_"Y'know." The guy turned to me with a twisted grin. "There was this one guy, he didn't even know what a blowjob was." He chuckled._

_Cas. Cas. Cas._

_"Think he had a few problems up here." He tapped his head and winked at me._

_I swallowed, willing myself to freaking do something about this._

_This was so fucked up._

_Why wasn't I doing anything?_

_Why was the guy still talking?_

_Why was the kid still just on his knees, waiting?_

_"Wonder what happened to him. Never came back. Not seen him around either. Wouldn't surprise me if he finished himself off." The guy shrugged, not a care in the world._

_"Kid. Get up." I growled._

_The kid shook his head. "I need this. I'm twenty three I can make my own choices."_

_I shook my head. "Get up. You ain't doing this." I argued but still I didn't freaking move._

_"Hasn't bothered him before." The guy groaned. "Just ten minutes and you and your brother will be on your way."_

_"I ain't taking money off a homeless kid. Especially not when I know what else he has to do." I spat._

_"Am I upsetting your morals, pretty boy?" The guy tittered. "You probably would've had an issue with the guy who didn't know about blowjobs too. Barely did anything with him. But man, did he need what I was offering. Shame he didn't know. Bet it woulda been good. Those eyes."_

_The dots connected in my head._

_Idaho._

_no no no_

_Shady guy selling pills_

_no no no_

_Pill bottle with no label_

_no no no_

_Not enough money_

_no no no_

_Homeless men_

_no no no_

_Guy hurt Cas_

_no no no_

_Cas. Cas. Cas._

_I tried to force a smile as I grit my teeth, hiding my fists in my pockets. "Let me guess, bright blue? Dark hair? Bit of a confused look about him?"_

_The guy chuckled, his hand holding the kids shoulder to keep him there._

_I needed to figure out if this was actually the guy and not some other lowlife dick before I lost it._

_"Yeah, that was him. Y'know him?"_

_"You could say that." I swallowed as more bile came up._

_"Kid, get the fuck up and go inside the bar. I ain't asking." I growled._

_The kid stared between us and furrowed his eyebrows._

_I handed him the last ten dollars I had in cash. "Get whatever you want."_

_The kid stood up and took the cash, heading inside._

_No doubt he thought he'd be getting his drugs after I finished talking to this guy._

_"Look, without him you ain't getting all of your money." The guy sighed._

_"I don't care." I grit my teeth. "Give me whatever you have."_

_"Way to ruin my damn night." The guy scowled and pulled a wad of notes from his wallet, handing it over and then trying to walk past me._

_I shoved my hand out to stop him._

_"The hell is your problem?!" The guy yelled, shoving himself away from me._

_"You do this a lot then, huh? Getting these poor bastards hooked on whatever it is you're selling and getting a treat for yourself whilst you're at it?"_

_"Look, it's just a bit of fun. Why're you so riled up?" He chuckled nervously._

_I vaguely heard my phone ringing but ignored it._

_"Unless-the guy-the guy who didn't know. You-ah-that makes more sense!" The guy roared with laughter. "You got him for yourself now and he told you about the big mean man who gave him some pills? Wants his big scary boyfriend to go and hurt him right back? Am I close?"_

_"Shut up." I growled._

_The guy carried on laughing. "I can only hope he knows what a blowjob is now. Damn shame I didn't teach him."_

_I heard the crunching of my knuckles and his cheek before I knew what I was doing._

_I didn't care what I was doing._

_I barely felt him fighting back, even though he was putting up a good fight but I wasn't in control._

_Pure rage was fuelling my body and there wasn't anything I could do to stop it._

_It was this guy._

_This was the guy who made Cas break his promise._

_This was the guy who hurt Cas._

_This was the guy who took advantage of him._

_This was the guy who gave a freaking angel drugs and then tried to make him give him a blow job._

_This guy needed to be gone._

_"Dean, what the fuck are you doing?" I heard Sam yelling in the distance._

_"Oh thank God. Get him off me. He's a fucking lunatic." The guy struggled and spat blood from his mouth._

_I punched him again, right between the eyes._

_"Dean!" Sam yelled and tried pulling on my shoulder._

_I shrugged him off and carried on._

_His disgusting face was still taunting me._

_This is the face that Cas saw when he was so low?_

_This is the face that gave Cas freaking drugs?_

_This is the face that helped make Cas such a wreck?_

_All I could think of was Cas in the place of that damn kid._

_Had Cas really been that desperate for the pain to go away?_

_If he knew what a blowjob was would he have done it?_

_I heard a strangled sound coming from my throat as I punched harder._

_The guy managed to grab at my neck._

_I didn't care._

_He could try and choke me all he wanted._

_I'd promised Cas I would find this scumbag and break his jaw._

_"Dean, you're gonna kill him." Sam's voice was fuzzy._

_I knocked the guys hand away from my neck and took a big gulp of air._

_"Dean!" Sam yelled, I felt his hands on my shoulders. Ripping me away from the guy who stayed lay down. "What the hell?"_

_"Gonna kill him." I growled._

_"No, you're not. Not over a damn game of pool. Jesus." Sam huffed and walked over to the guy. "He's breathing." He muttered._

_"Dammit Dean. What the hell is wrong with you?" Sam griped._

_I pulled myself up and walked over to the guy, putting my foot on his shoulder and digging it in until he groaned._

_"Dean!" Sam yelled._

_I ignored him._

_"Never do this shit again. Not to anyone or I'll actually fucking kill you. I'll be watching. You got that?" I hissed._

_"Yeah. Whatever. Jus-just leave me alone."_

_I kicked him hard in the ribs and stalked into the bar, leaving Sam looking stunned in the parking lot._

_I found the homeless kid and pulled the cash out of my pocket._

_$250_

_"Here." I muttered._

_"Uh-thanks?" He looked up, his eyes widening when he saw my face._

_I guessed it had a few cuts and bruises._

_My knuckles protested even though I didn't move them._

_"Don't go back to that guy. Get yourself off the drugs, kid."_

_"I-I can try."_

_"No." I shook my head. "You're gonna get off the damn drugs and you're gonna get help. Got it?"_

_The kids eyes flashed to my bloody knuckles._

_He nodded quickly and hopped off the stool._

_I watched him bump into Sam on his way out._

_Sam glowered at me and pulled me off the stool and dragged me back to the car._

_"Why the fuck is he in here?" I growled at the guy in the back seat, passed out._

_"We gotta take him to the ER, Dean."_

_"No. Let him fucking rot."_

_"It's freezing out."_

_"So?"_

_"Dean." Sam sighed. "We take him. We head home and you tell me what the hell just happened. I'm not leaving some guy outside after you've beat him half to death."_

_"Deserves it." I muttered as Sam started up my car._

_"Are we picking up your pretty boyfriend on the way? I'd love to get re introduced." The guy chuckled in the backseat._

_"Dean!" Sam shouted. "Stop attacking him. You, shut up!" How's he know about, Cas?"_

_"Pretty name."_

_I punched the guy until he was out cold again._

_"I ain't helping you get him inside." I crossed my arms._

_"Didn't expect you to." Sam huffed and dragged the guy out of my car awkwardly._

_"What did you say?" I asked when he got back._

_"Found him. Think he got mugged." Sam shrugged. "You gonna tell me what happened?"_

_I grimaced as my hands clenching into fists tore at my knuckles. "He's the guy that hurt Cas."_

_"What?" Sam barely whispered._

_"You heard me, Sammy." I grit my teeth as I started driving._

_"You sure?"_

_I nodded. "He was damn proud of it too. God I should've killed him."_

I groaned as the memory kept on replaying in my head, my knuckles burning as I punched the damn bag harder and harder, imagining it was that low lives face again and again. 

I felt my knees cracking as they hit the floor before I realised that I'd even fallen down, I heard the punching bag swing back and knock me from my knees and onto my side. 

I didn't bother pulling myself up, I just managed to let out some kind of broken sound that I usually had to listen to Cas making. 

It was pathetic really. 

It was Cas who was hurt. 

It was Cas who had been hurt enough to want drugs from some shady guy. 

It was Cas who the guy had hurt, not me. 

It was Cas who I could hear screaming as his grace tore and shredded at his soul whilst he was pinned down, scared and confused by Sam. 

It was Cas who I should be helping and making sure he was all fixed up. 

But all I could do was lay down on the floor, covered in sweat. 

Wheezing out breaths between harsh sobs with my knuckles bruised and bloody. 

Feeling sorry for myself. 

It was pathetic how hopeless this all was. 

Cas would be fine right now if I'd just let him stay in the first place or at least set him up somewhere instead of assuming he'd be fine on his own. 

Another round of crying went through me as I thought of Cas shivering on a park bench, Cas huddled in a stock room in the dark, Cas' teeth chattering and his fingers turning blue as it started to snow, Cas carving my damn number into his phone just in case he died out there just so I knew that he still wanted me and I didn't think he'd abandoned me like I did to him. 

"Dean?" I heard Sam shouting. 

I couldn't bring myself to wipe my face or move at all. 

Sam of course found me. "You okay?" He asked, kneeling down. 

I managed to see that his eyes were red rimmed too. 

"Be fine." I managed. "How's Cas?" 

"Knocked himself out headbutting me." Sam gave a measly smile and rubbed his head. "We gonna clean you up or are you gonna sulk for a bit more?" 

I scowled up at him. 

Sam sighed and pulled me up from the ground, inspecting my knuckles, muttering an apology when I winced. 

"He say anything else about-" I asked, I didn't need to finish. 

Sam shook his head. "Not much. He's just scared, Dean. He's gonna be okay." 

"When?" I sighed and followed him back to mine and Cas' room, sure enough Cas was sprawled on his back with a bruise forming on his temple, asleep. 

"As soon as he says yes to the Crowley plan I guess." Sam mumbled as he wiped away the blood from my knuckles. 

I could have easily cleaned myself up but for some reason having Sam actually in the same room as me as we spoke was nice for a change. 

We'd pretty much only been speaking on the phone for the past few days, taking turns with Cas. 

"You think he will?" I cleared my throat when my voice carried on cracking from my crying in the gym. 

Sam's eyes flashed to mine and then to Cas on the bed. "Yeah. He will. We should probably both stay awake in here tonight. He's a wildcard right now." 

I nodded and turned the TV on. 

Who knew what was playing. 

It could be anything for all I knew. 

My focus was on every movement that Cas made in his sleep. 

Every word he mumbled. 

Every change to his facial expression. 

I felt my eyes drooping as I watched, Sam's phone ringing bringing me back. 

"Jerry." Sam muttered and left the room. 

I nodded and pulled myself off the chair and let myself get into the bed, Cas scooting over to me in his sleep. 

"Dean." He mumbled. 

"Yeah?" I whispered back. "You with us again?" 

More Encohian. 

I blushed. 

At least Sam wasn't there to witness that. 

He'd have teasing rights forever and call me a walking chick flick if he heard Cas saying my name in his sleep. 

"I'm heading out to pick Jerry up, will you be okay for a half hour?" Sam asked. 

I nodded slowly and strained my eyes to keep them open. 

"I'll make it twenty minutes." I heard Sam mutter before he shut the door. 

The sound jolted Cas awake. 

"What was that?" He scrunched his eyebrows. 

"It was Sam. Light sleeper today huh?"

"I was asleep?" Cas tilted his head. 

"Yeah? You don't feel like you've been asleep?"

He shook his head. "I was talking to you-I think-I was. Yeah, I was talking to you." 

I didn't argue with him but I didn't agree with him either, he must have figured out what I meant because a few quiet apologies came from his mouth as he rested on my shoulder, stroking my hand. 

"It's okay." I mumbled back sleepily. "Jerry's coming today." 

"Jerry?" He asked. 

"Sam's gone picking him up." 

"But doesn't he have work?"

I shrugged, struggling to keep my eyes open again. "He said he's free." 

"You should sleep, Dean." 

"I will in a bit." I blinked a few times and rubbed my eyes. 

Cas furrowed his eyebrows. "I can watch over you." 

I forced a smile and shook my head. "You don't need to, sweetheart." 

"I want to." He swallowed. 

"I'll wait until Sam's back." I squeezed his hand. 

Cas looked away but squeezed back.

By the time Sam arrived back with Jerry I was almost asleep, barely keeping an eye open watching Cas beside me. 

I decided to go back to my old room just in case Cas had an episode and Sam woke up before I did.

I made sure to set an alarm for each hour so I could listen out for anything that sounded like an episode from Cas whilst Jerry was at the bunker. 

After five alarms I gave up on sleeping anymore and just got myself dressed and headed to the library. 

Jerry was sat with an empty plate whilst Cas' was pretty much full, he was picking at his food as usual. 

If he was picking that meant that he probably wouldn't eat it at all, there would be no point in trying to force him to because it would just upset him and remind him of last year and eating food that he didn't want to. 

I'd stopped force feeding him after I found that one out. 

"Morning Sunshine." I smiled at him. "Jerry." 

Cas pushed his plate to me and smiled at me. "Did you sleep well?" He asked. 

"Like a baby." I grinned. "Is Sammy still getting his beauty sleep?" 

"Seems like it." Jerry nodded. "I should probably get going anyway, up early." 

"Yeah, no worries man." I nodded."You wanna ride-" I started but Jerry shook his head and nodded towards Cas. 

I nodded back. 

"Get home safe then, man." I clapped him on the shoulder. 

I turned to Cas, expecting him to be on his way down the stairs by then but he was sat at the chess table. 

"You wanna game before Sam gets up?" I asked with a raised eyebrow. 

"Sam taught me so I think I have a good grasp on it." 

"I taught him, let's see how you do. You've already picked to be black so I go first." I smirked and waggled my eyebrows. 

Cas studied to board and made very strategic moves after thinking about each one for about thirty seconds each. 

"I was speaking to Jerry about Crowley." Cas said out of the blue in the middle of the game. 

"Mhm?" I nodded, not looking up. 

"Jerry said that if you trust Crowley then I should too." Cas took one of my pieces as he spoke. 

"I trust Crowley about as far as I can throw him, Cas. But if there's one thing Crowley respects, it's a contract and his word. Besides it's not like he'll be walking around like a free man until I know everything's good." I pursed my lips. 

"How do you know he'll say yes? Crowley hates me." Cas asked. 

"Because we'll figure out what he wants and give it to him." I shrugged, trying to convince myself that it wasn't a big deal. 

"Depending what it is." Cas added. 

Whatever the dick bag wanted I'd probably let him have it at this point, seeing Cas with bandages all over his hands and arms and bruises all over his chest and thighs got old quickly. Anything Crowley wanted. I didn't care. 

"Depending on what it is right?" Cas asked. 

"We'll cross that bridge when we get to it." 

"I wanna know what he wants." Cas squared his shoulders. 

So now Cas decides he wants a freaking argument. 

I grinned and took away his castle that he'd been protecting so well. 

"Dammit." 

"They your favourite piece or something?" I teased, hoping to keep distracting him from whatever Crowley would want. 

"You'll tell me what he wants?" 

Dammit Cas.

"Yeah, I will." I sighed.

"Okay." Cas backed down. 

"Okay?" I looked up, searching his eyes for any hidden plans or fears. 

"Checkmate." He grinned. 

I groaned. "Best outta three?"

* * *

"Hey Jody." I grinned at hearing her voice. 

"Hey yourself. Got any news for me?" 

"Yeah. We think we have a plan and Cas has agreed to it." I explained. 

I heard some shuffling around, sounding like Jody was zipping up a bag. "What's the play?"

"Crowley." 

The shuffling stopped. 

"Crowley?" 

"Yeah. We were thinking we make a deal with him." 

"What does he want from us?" 

"We don't know yet." 

"And Cas is okay with this?" Jody sounded irritated but the shuffling carried on, a few doors shutting now too. 

"Yeah, well. Kind of. It's complicated." I sighed. "I can explain more in person. You are coming right?" 

"Of course. I'll be a few hours. Need anything picking up?" She asked, car starting. 

"The usual." I sighed. 

"Got it." Jody hung up quickly. 

Just as the line went dead I heard Cas shouting again. 

Dammit. 

**Sam:** _I got him, don't worry_

I sighed and put my phone back on the counter, swallowing the rest of my drink before pulling out the ingredients to start on dinner. 

Jody deserved a big spread to be waiting for her for once. 

If I couldn't fix Cas I could make sure they all had a good meal at least. 

The sounds of the radio just about drowned out Cas' wailing but not quite enough that I couldn't still hear each one faintly. 

I grit my teeth and took my time with the food, following some old recipe book, cutting each vegetable perfectly just to waste time until Jody got to the bunker and Cas' episode stopped. 

It was his second one today so he might even sleep afterwards but I honestly doubted it. 

**Jody:** _Let me in_

I jogged to the entrance and greeted Jody with a hug, wincing at a particularly loud screech from Cas. 

"Want me to-" She nodded towards the sound. 

I shook my head. "He should be calming down pretty soon." I sighed. "Sammy'll shout if he needs us." 

Jody nodded and set the bandages down on the counter, grinning at the smell of food cooking. 

"Fancy yourself a chef do you?" She smirked. 

"Man of many talents." I winked. "How was your ride?" 

"Pretty boring really." Jody shrugged. "I stopped by the station and I really shouldn't be having any phone calls for the next few days at least. Not unless the mayor turns into a vampire and starts eating everyone." 

"You scared them, huh?" I asked, stirring the pan. 

"Honestly maybe if the mayor did start eating the town I don't think they'd even call me then." Jody smirked to herself. "I really laid into them about handling things themselves whilst I was gone." 

"You're too good to us, y'know." I sighed. 

"Family's family." She smiled and squeezed my shoulder. "So, talk me through this plan then?" She flinched at another scream from down the hall. 

"After dinner, we summon Crowley. Trap him obviously. Ask him if he's willing to help us and make a deal to heal Cas after his grace is cut out. If he says no, he knows we'll probably kill him and Sam thinks he's got some kinda soft spot for Cas anyway-" 

Jody scoffed. 

"Exactly. So we make a deal. See what he wants. Talk it through with Cas too. If we all agree, we read the contract and sign. Make the deal. Crowley cuts Cas' grace out and heals him and leaves. Everyone's happy." 

"You don't sound too convinced." 

I shrugged. 

Jody raised an eyebrow at me. "It all sounds like sunshine's and rainbows but-" 

"We're not gonna miss any loopholes. Sam and I have caught up on sleep, we won't miss anything." I nodded, more to myself. 

Jody pursed her lips. "Is it all we got?" 

I nodded. 

She sighed."I guess we're gonna have to then. How many has he had?" 

"This is his second." I swallowed, adding seasoning. 

"That's not so bad, it's Wednesday. Least it's not one a day anymore." She shrugged. 

"Second today." I corrected. "Had three yesterday and hasn't slept longer than five minutes for two days."

"Oh." Jody frowned. "Yeah, we should summon that dirt bag as soon as we can."

I hummed in agreement, listening out for Cas' yelling but I couldn't hear anything. 

**Sam:** _Jody here?_

 **Me:** _Yeah, dinner in ten. Cas up for it?_

 **Sam:** _Yeah_

I grinned at my phone and waited to hear Sam and Cas walking down the hall as I started serving dinner up. 

Dinner was an unusually quiet one but we all seemed to know that we would be summoning Crowley right after. 

Even if Cas did keep nearly face planting his plate, falling asleep every two minutes before snapping back to full attention. 

I wanted to send him back to bed but he would fight sleep until he knew what Crowley wanted. 

He actually ate most of his food though, thanking me for making it like usual before going to the library to wait. 

"Promise you'll tell me before you make a deal?" He asked. 

"He'd better." Jody shot both me and Sam a warning glare. 

"Yeah, I swear." I nodded and followed Sam down to the dungeon. 

* * *

"Hello boys." Crowley smirked as he appeared right under the devils trap. "Oh for the love of-" He cursed. 

"Hey, Crowley." 

Crowley turned to glare at us both. 

"Moose. Squirrel. Where's that pet angel of yours? Can smell him." 

I scrunched my eyebrows at the thought of that being true or not. 

"He's busy. Look, Crowley." Sam started. "We kinda have a situation here and-" 

"I'm the King of Hell in case you morons forgot that. I don't have time for your silly little 'he ruined the world so now I need to sacrifice myself' game that you all play. I'm busy." He snapped, pointing to the devils trap. 

"It's not like that." I shook my head. "It's uh-personal. Not world ending." 

"Okay. That's got me at least a smidge interested." 

"It's Cas." 

"Ding ding ding." Crowley grinned wide and threatening. "Now I'm fully interested. What has that pathetic excuse for an angel done now?" 

"Hey!" I growled. 

Crowley held his hands up. "Touche."

"He's not _done_ anything." I crossed my arms. 

Crowley furrowed his eyebrows at me before turning to Sam. "What's got his knickers in a twist?" 

Sam's lips went into a thin line. "Will you help us or not?" 

"I don't even know what you need." Crowley shook his head. "Most likely not though." 

I felt a pang of regret as he spoke. 

We shouldn't have told Cas the plan before even asking Crowley. 

We shouldn't have gotten his hopes up. 

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. 

It was Crowley staring at me that made me realise that a few tears had slipped from my eyes. 

Fuck my life. 

I quickly wiped them away. 

"You're gonna help him." I spoke through gritted teeth. 

"And if I don't help your boyfriend? What then? You get him to smite me? After you've had a cry of course." He put on his smuggest face. 

"I'll get you hopped up on human blood so damn fast Crowley." I growled. 

"Ah ah ah." Crowley shook his head. "You do want my help right? I haven't heard what with yet, but I know it's about the angel. I know that it's important. I know it would have some serious effect on you if I said no, Squirell. So, how about instead of threatening me _YOU SHOW ME SOME BLOODY RESPECT?!"_

Sam sighed. "So you'll consider helping?" 

I snapped my mouth shut as I stared ahead. 

I wouldn't risk annoying Crowley enough that he wouldn't help. 

"I want to know what it is." Crowley smiled. 

"We wanna make a deal." I looked at him. 

Crowley's face snapped to mine. "A deal?" 

I nodded. 

Crowley burst out laughing, wiping a non existent tear from his eye. "A deal? You?"

I nodded again, calmly. 

"Cas needs to be human again. We need to cut his grace out but we've no way of healing him afterwards. So-"

"You want _me_ to go to that angel and cut his throat like I've wanted to for years and then heal him?" Crowley raised his eyebrows. "You're serious?" 

"Deadly." I nodded. 

"Bloody hell, boys!" Crowley clapped his hands. "Not what I was expecting. Brava for surprising me for once. Why does the angel want to go mortal, purley curiosity, not business." He shrugged. 

Sam turned to me and I shrugged. 

Most likely Cas would freak out or have an episode whilst it was happening so Crowley should probably know. 

Sam explained briefly everything that had been happening with the episodes recently and how they're just too much to handle. 

Crowley of course had himself a laugh about it all. 

Sick bastard.

I don't know what exactly tipped him off to Cas and I but I saw it clicking in his head like a freaking light switch. 

I should have expected all of the jokes that came flying my way but each one was like a kick to the shin, making me feel like I was sinking lower and lower. 

Under a freaking demon, who I knew was sexually adventurous at the very least. 

I didn't know why I even cared. 

But something about Crowley of all people knowing about me and Cas just sent the hairs on the back of my neck standing up. 

**Cas:** _Is everything okay?_

I shoved my phone away and cleared my throat. 

"Yes or no, Crowley?" I asked. 

Crowley huffed in the middle of his third Bert and Ernie joke, Sam's head in his hands. 

"What's in it for me?" 

"What do you want?" I asked. 

Crowley pursed his lips. "I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that never killing me or the angel dies instantly too is off the list?" 

"Obviously." I grunted. 

Crowley smirked. "How about we go back to the good old days?" 

"Which is when exactly?" Sam asked. 

"Last few months. You've not bothered me, I've not bothered you. We keep out of the way. You kill a few of my demons. My demons possess a few humans here and there, make a couple deals. No one kicks up a fuss." 

"That's all you want?" I asked, skeptical. 

No way was this all. 

"Of course. I'll draw up a contract." He gave me a smug look and pulled a contract from his pocket. "One soul in exchange for Castiel being healed and me being left alone." 

"Whoa! Where's the soul come into it?" Sam argued. 

"Insurance. Just like your old friend Mr Singer, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember how hard it was to get back." I growled. 

Crowley waved his hand. "Just until he's all healed and I'm out of the devil's trap I'll surely be inside. Insurance boys." 

"Fine." I muttered.

"Dean?" Sam turned to me and nodded to the door. 

"Yeah. He'll be fine about it." 

"He won't." Sam disagreed.

 **Me:** _Yeah. I'll come and talk to you in a few. Hang in there._

I shoved my phone back. 

"What's the insurance for?" Sam asked. 

"I'm putting in the contract that if this is a stunt to kill me right afterwards, the soul is mine." Crowley explained. 

"If we leave you alone that means no ending the world or overstepping." Sam narrowed his eyes. 

"Can't end the world now that the love sick puppies are in gay paradise." Crowley chuckled. "Fine. Are we going to draw up this contract or not?"

"Go tell, Cas. I'll make sure it's all fine." Sam nodded at me. 

Crowley gave me a girly wave and blew a kiss as I shut the door. 

I swallowed the urge to argue back with him on my way to get Cas. 

"What's the matter?" He asked when we got to our room.

"Crowley being a douche. The usual. You feeling okay?" 

"Worried." Cas nodded, it was plain on his face anyway. 

It wasn't like I needed to ask. 

"He said he'll help us out. But he's got conditions." 

"What are they?" Cas asked. 

"Nothing too fancy really. Pretty much what we've been doing for the past few months, leave Crowley alone. Other demons, fine. But leave him to it." I shrugged, not wanting to get to the soul part. 

Sam was probably right, Cas would have an issue with that. 

"That's dangerous." Cas shook his head, clearly thinking of all the ways it could go wrong.

"He's a grade A douchebag, I know that. But all he's gonna be doing is running Hell. Someone's gotta do it and honestly, I'd rather it be him than some random demon we don't know." I tried to ease his worries. 

"I guess. But what if he starts-" 

"Getting outta line? That's gonna be in the contract." I promised.

"What else does he want?" 

Dammit.

"That's it." I smiled, he didn't _need_ to know about the soul exchange. 

Cas narrowed his eyes, clearly not buying my bullshit. "That doesn't sound right." 

"It's barely even a thing." 

"What is it?" A hand went to his chest. 

"The contract. He wants insurance that this isn't just some plan to get him killed. So it's like the contract he had with Bobby." 

Two hands to his chest, a sharp flinch and small gasp.

Bobby gave him his soul, Dean! No. You-you can't do that!" Cas protested. 

I grabbed his shoulders to pull him back from the edge before he fell into another episode. "Listen!" I yelled.

"You can't say yes." He shook his head violently, his eyes filling with tears, begging.

"It's a loan. Insurance. It's his until you're healed." I tried.

"I-I don't trust him, Dean. No." 

"Sammy's gonna read every single part of the contract and so am I, there's gonna be copies. We're not complete idiots. We're not gonna half ass this, Cas." I explained as quickly as I could.

"If-if you or Sam end up in Hell I-I can't come and get you this time an-and no one else will do it." Cas' body was shaking under my hands on his shoulders. 

I needed to pull him back quickly or he'd be gone for an hour at least. 

"Good thing neither of us will go." 

"Crowley didn't give Bobby his soul back for a whole year though. He only gave it back because you had his bones."Cas ripped his hands from his chest and sat on them, his body slumping over yet still tensed.

"I know. But I think he knows that if he tries to weasel his way outta this one he'll have at least two of us killing him." 

"This isn't funny." Cas dead panned. 

"Yeah, I know. But it's what we got, sweetheart." 

Cas blinked hard a few times as he sighed, his breathing almost returning to normal. "I want to read the contract too." 

I nodded. "Course."

I'd promise anything if it meant he didn't have another episode. 

We stood up and grabbed Jody before heading back to the dungeon.

"Ernie. How nice of you to join us." Crowley smirked and winked at me. 

Cas tilted his head in confusion. 

"Cartoon." I quickly muttered before he'd ask. "He's gonna be making gay jokes the entire time, try and ignore him so we can just get this over with." 

The last thing we needed was for Cas to start ranting like at the restaurant and piss Crowley off. 

Cas nodded. 

"Crowley. Thank you for helping us." He said, more politely than I'd ever heard him. 

"Pleasure. I've got Moose doing his law business over there. Me, you and your boy toy could go off somewhere if you like? Jody! You're more than welcome too." 

"Crowley!" I snapped. 

"What's the matter, darling?" Crowley winked. 

"I want the contract." Cas ignored the joke just like I'd told him to and stepped forwards. 

"We're all reading it." Jody glared at Crowley. 

"So I'll be stuck here whilst all of you morons try and scramble a bloody brain cell to read? Perfect!" Crowley sighed dramatically and snapped his fingers which gave us each a contract. 

"Exactly." Sam mumbled and carried on reading. 

Cas sat down at the table with a yawn and started to read the contract. 

Crowley carried on his running commentary as we all read through the contracts. 

I only needed to add a couple of things that Crowley had missed off but other than that it genuinely looked like he wasn't trying to screw us over, Sam's eyebrows were raised as he read his. 

"Is there any way we can do this without the soul?" Jody sighed and looked to Crowley. 

Crowley shook his head. "No soul and your pet angel stays broken." 

"Dick." Sam and Jody both muttered. 

I looked over to gage Cas' reaction to the comment but he was slumped over with his head resting on his arm on the table, mumbling and breathing heavily. 

"Must have really worn him out." Crowley snorted. "I'll have to ask him if he'll share next time." 

I grimaced. "We can finish this tomorrow." 

"I'm not your bloody servant." Crowley griped. 

"We're not doing this when he's asleep, Crowley." Sam folded his contract and shoved it into his pocket. "Tomorrow." 

"Fine. I'm free around noon." Crowley cleared his throat and nodded to the devils trap on the floor. 

Sam pulled the demon knife out and scratched the floor until Crowley vanished. 

"Douchebag." I grumbled. 

"At least he said yes. And he's not put any kinda loophole in there at all." Sam shrugged. "Told you he's got a soft spot." 

I shuddered at Crowley's version of a soft spot for anyone. "Gross." 

Jody smiled. "Noon tomorrow then."

I ran a hand over my face as I looked at Cas, flat out on the table. "He's gonna be a damn mess until then." 

"We could just let him sleep as long as he needs. Might end up being until noon." Sam shrugged. 

"When is luck on our side?" Jody sighed. "This better work. I don't think he can handle much more." 

I nodded and forced myself to look away from Cas. "It's gonna work." 

"We need a plan if it doesn't." Sam frowned. 

"I guess we'd have to see if we can get him on any medication. He'd be human and it'd be easier to manage I guess." Jody scratched her head. 

I scowled at the thought of Cas relying on any kind of pills to cope. 

It was _too_ similar for me. 

"I know your opinion on it." Sam sighed. "But it might have to be like that." 

I shook my head. "This is gonna work. It has too." 

Sam and Jody shared a look but dropped it. 

"Guess I'm kissing Crowley tomorrow then." I tried joking about it. 

Sam frowned. "No, I will." 

"Why?" I argued. "You ain't offering up your soul, Sam." 

"It makes no difference anyway. It might as well be mine." Sam argued back. 

"Sammy, no." I glared. 

"Where's Crowley?" I heard Cas' voice suddenly, it making me jump. 

"We're summoning him again in the morning. Dean thought you'd be asleep for the night." Jody answered. 

I smiled at Cas before turning back to Sam to continue our argument. 

"He's being stupid." I grumbled once Cas and I were in our room. 

"I think you're both being stupid." Cas sighed and lay beside me on his side to face me. 

"It's gonna work, Cas." 

"So why not let Sam do it?" He asked sleepily. 

Hopefully we could both get some sleep if he was still tired. 

"I-I just-uh-it's just not-it doesn't feel right." I stumbled through my reasoning. 

No other excuse than 'I don't want him to, just in case', but Cas didn't need to hear that. 

"I don't understand why Crowley needs the leverage." Cas yawned. 

"Because he's Crowley and he's a giant dick." I grumbled. 

"Is everything in the contract okay?" Cas' hand bumped against mine until he finally grasped it. 

I thought he wanted to read it himself? 

"What?" Cas asked. 

"I thought you wanted to read it." 

"I trust you. As long as there's no chance of anyone going to Hell and Crowley not getting away with anything terrible then I'm sure it's okay." 

"Yeah, I reread it a couple times when you were in dream land." I stroked his hand, taking his pulse by putting my thumb over his wrist for a few seconds. 

His heartbeat was faster than I liked for him being as tired as he was. "It's gonna be okay, y'know." I reassured him. 

"I hope so." Cas slurred sleepily but I caught the way the hall light caught on the tears in his eyes. 

"You're crying, Cas." I told him, he was usually blinking the tears away instead of letting them stay. 

Not that I could see him much in the dark anyway. 

"Tomorrow I'm gonna be human again. It's-It's-" Cas tried but gave up, shuffling closer to me and resting his arm over my side and tangling our legs together. 

I smiled. "I know. You're handling it so well. It's gonna be okay." 

Cas was silent for a few moments I almost thought that he'd fallen asleep. 

"You still promise that you won't-" 

"Yes." I interrupted quickly, not meaning for the anger in my voice.

But he still really thought that I'd kick him out again?

Jerry's words from a few months ago rang in my head.

How Cas would never be over it. 

How it would always be there in the back of his head. 

"Obviously, Cas." I added. 

"J-just checking." Cas slurred a little but relaxed, pulling me even closer to him. 

It was almost suffocating to be this close to each other especially with the covers and the grey blanket too. 

But he was here, warm and safe. 

That's what mattered. 

He could sleep on top of me if he really wanted to. 

"I love you." I heard him sigh. 

It took me a minute to comprehend the words. 

Did he? 

No. 

Cas doesn't-

Cas barely even tells people he likes them, never mind that he-

"W-what? Cas?" I whispered. 

Nothing. 

Just his heavy breathing, staying still and relaxed in my arms. 

"Cas?" I tried again. 

Nothing again. 

"D-did you just say what I-I think you d-did?" I heard my heart beating faster and louder than ever in my head. 

I needed to hear it again. 

I needed it like I needed air. 

Cas saying those three words. 

I'd heard it less than most people had. 

Sam used to say it a lot when we were kids. 

He grew out of it like I did. 

Mom she-

Mom used to say it all the time. 

Dad used to say it too, not as much as he did when I was younger. 

But from time to time he did. 

Hardly ever when Sam left for Stanford. 

Bobby had even said it a few times. 

I remembered Lisa had said it. 

I'd said it back after being there for ten months. 

But only that one time. 

Lisa understood. 

I think she did. 

But to hear _Cas_ say it. 

Someone who was never supposed to love anyone or anything other than God. 

That was intense. 

And he picked me? 

He chose to love me?

Had anyone ever told him? 

Had anyone ever loved him? 

God sure didn't. 

The angel's definitely didn't. 

I did. 

I knew I did. 

I just never told the guy. 

I felt Cas shuffling in his sleep, going a little further away but his arm was still wrapped around me tight. 

"I love you too, Cas." I leaned down to kiss his forehead. 

I felt Cas let out a big sigh and pull me back just as close, mumbling my name in his sleep.

"Love you so fucking much, you have no idea." I whispered, feeling my cheeks burning as I said it. 

* * *

I woke up to Cas shuffling around under the covers. 

I panicked at first thinking he'd woken up to an episode but he was okay. 

He smiled lazily at me and kissed me. "Good morning, Dean." 

"Morning, Sunshine." I chuckled against his lips." You're chipper." 

"I love you." He grinned. 

I beamed at his happy face. 

His truly happy face. 

There was still a sad edge to his eyes but this was the happiest I'd seen him in weeks. 

"I love you too." I grinned back, pulling him back in for another kiss. 

"You do." He ran a hand through my hair. 

He wasn't asking. 

He was just confirming it to himself. 

He knew. 

I could almost throw up it was such a chick flick moment but I relished in it instead. 

Not letting any part of our bodies having more than an inch apart for longer than a second before pulling him closer again. 

Cas suddenly gasped though, accidentally almost pulling my hair out of the roots. 

"Jesus!" I flinched back. 

"No." Cas groaned and flung his hands to his chest. 

"Hey, it's okay." I rubbed the back of my head. "Bound to happen at least once today right?" I soothed and pulled him into the usual position before he could do any more damage other than hair pulling. 

I wished I hadn't said that. 

Three. 

Three damn episodes one after the other. 

Cas barely got a chance to breathe in between them. 

Thank God we were fixing this today was all I could think. 

I constantly checked my phone for the time, counting down the hours. 

"I think it's over." Cas jerked out of my arms, rubbing his wrists before wiping his eyes. "I'm sorry." 

Jody handed me a wet cloth to work on Cas' head as she worked on his arm. 

Cas flinched when I touched the cut but other than that he stayed still on the infirmary bed. 

Not two minutes after he was coherent he was shaking again, reaching out to grab my hand.

"D-Dean." Fresh tears were streaming down his cheeks. 

Dammit. 

Two freaking minutes. 

"Leave him for a minute." I muttered to Jody and pulled Cas towards me instead of just getting back into the episode position. 

I'd try my best to pull him out of it. 

I couldn't let him have four dammit. 

"I'm here, Cas." 

"Th-three." Cas whimpered into my neck, still shaking violently. 

"Yeah." I nodded and stroked his back, trying to calm his breathing down a little. 

"I d-don't want any more." Cas cried into me. 

"I know. It's just your grace freaking out. We're gonna have a family meeting then we're gonna get Crowley here. It's not gonna be long now." I tried. 

I was too wiped out to yell at him to shock him out of the episode. 

Handling two of his episodes had already taken it right out of me. 

"What if it doesn't work?" Cas whispered. 

"Then we figure something else out." I promised. 

"If it doesn't work ca-can I have m-m-m-my grace back?" He stammered, his heart racing. 

"Only if it doesn't work."I kissed his hair a few times, trying to pull him out of it gently. I had no idea if it was working. 

"I'm gonna keep it in the bunker, nice and safe. But if it works you leave it alone, okay?" 

Cas nodded slowly. 

"Promise me?" I asked. 

"Promise." He whispered back, not stuttering. 

Good. 

"How's your head?" I pulled away a little and stroked my finger over the nasty looking bruise forming over the one he'd gotten from Sam. 

"Sore." Cas flinched.

"Sorry." 

Cas stayed glued to my side when Sam and Jody came into the infirmary. 

I shook my head at their silent question of if he'd had another. 

Three. 

We were sticking at three. 

Cas looked at his pj covered legs with his eyes glazed over as the rest of us spoke until it was time to summon Crowley. 

All of us were waiting to see if Cas would have another. 

I'd let Sam handle the next one if he was going to have one. 

I didn't think I'd be able to stop him from hurting himself if I did it. 

My arms were weak from pinning him down all morning. 

"Twenty minutes." Sam nodded towards Cas who was still looking like he wasn't paying us any attention. 

"Cas?" I nudged his knee. 

Cas turned to me, blinking a few times before his eyes found mine. 

"You gotta tell me right now, you sure about this?" I searched his eyes for any serious doubt. 

Cas nodded. 

I'd prefer it verbally. 

"A hundred percent?" I tried again. 

"Yes." Cas said softly. "I trust you." 

"We're gonna summon Crowley in here, then we've got everything we need just in case-" 

"Okay."Cas interrupted me, his voice high pitched and cracking. 

I grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him into me. "We're all gonna be here the entire time, okay? And then after-after we do whatever you want. Even if it's painting Baby bright pink." 

I just wanted a smile. 

I knew I wouldn't get one like I did that morning. 

But a damn smile before this horrible day gets worse. 

That's what I needed. 

I felt Cas smile against me shoulder, his hands clinging to my t-shirt. "I'd never." 

I sighed heavily. "You got this, Cas. I'm so fucking proud."

Cas pulled away, his hands going to his chest. 

Jody pushed me away and pulled Cas into her instead, talking quietly into his ear. 

I saw tears falling from Cas' eyes as he embraced her but he had a small sad smile on his face. 

Sam finished his hug by squeezing Cas' shoulder and I felt sick as I sat beside Cas. 

All of us giving him a hug felt like we thought something was going to go wrong. Like we were-

Like wer were saying goodbye or something. 

"Ready?" I asked as Sam and Jody started to set up the room. 

Cas nodded slowly, tears openly streaming down his face. 

An odd hiccup here and there. 

"Dean?" Cas' voice cracked. "If-If it goes wrong-" He started, his eyes filled with tears, his bottom lip wobbing. 

I knew what he wanted to say. 

I knew what he wanted me to say. 

I refused. 

"It's not gonna go wrong." I interrupted. 

I wouldn't say it. 

I wouldn't tell him that I loved him. 

Not now. 

It would be a goodbye. 

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing he'd said it so he could give up. 

"But if it does-" Cas pressed on. 

His message was clear.

I stared right back. 

I wouldn't say it out loud. 

He knew I was thinking it. 

I wouldn't say goodbye like that. 

I leaned in quickly and kissed his forehead, a tear escaping from my own eye. "It's gonna be okay." 

Cas wiped his eyes and turned to Sam, blinking quickly as Sam summoned Crowley. 

"Hello boys." Crowley grinned but soon scowled. "The lack of trust."

I rolled my eyes, like he didn't know we'd have him trapped in here. 

"Have we made a decision, Feathers?" Crowley smirked at Cas. 

I stroked his back, making sure his breathing stayed steady. 

"Yes." 

Crowley clapped his hands together, I tried to ignore how much it made Cas flinch. 

"Five minutes, Cas. It's just gonna take five minutes and then we do whatever you want." I promised and started to stand up. 

I felt Cas' hand brush over my arm as I stood up, his face full of panic. "Where are you going?"

"Gotta sign the contract." I forced a smile. 

"So it's your soul?" He asked. 

"No it's mine." Sam argued. 

I grit my teeth. 

I thought we'd settled this. 

"Ah ah ah. Squirrel's soul or no dice." 

"Why do you make everything so damn difficult?" Sam snapped.

"You want my help or not?!" Crowley yelled.

Sam gave up, instantly dropping his attitude. 

"That's what I thought." Crowley nodded. "Pucker up, Squirrel." 

I grimaced and pulled the contract out of my pocket and leaning on the table before turning to Crowley, pointing at him with my pen. 

"You heal him straight away. No waiting around. No smart ass comments. Nothing just cut and heal." 

"Of course, precious." Crowley licked his lips and winked. "I signed didn't I?" 

I made sure not to say any actual words as I grumbled but signed the damn thing. 

"Why do you need to kiss him if he's signing it?" Cas piped up. 

I felt a surge of pride at Cas standing up for himself for the first time in a while. 

"Jealous?" Crowley taunted. "Just a perk." 

I frowned when Cas' eyes snapped back to his legs, looking down. 

"Sam, are you sure there's no chance-" Cas whispered, barely audible. 

"Yeah, I made sure, man." Sam nodded.

"Are we happy campers?" Crowley was the only one with a smile on his face, Cas looked freaking heartbroken sat on the bed all huddled in on himself. 

"Jody?" I nodded towards Cas. 

Jody nodded and walked over to him.

Crowley picked up my contract and looked over my signature, nodding to himself before pulling out some breath spray. 

At least he was being considerate. 

Wouldn't be the worst person I'd kissed. 

I was surprised that it didn't feel wrong either. 

This was for Cas. 

This was so Cas would be okay. 

I didn't like it. 

But Cas was worth kissing Crowley for. 

I heard a whimper from Cas and grimaced when his hands were gripping his chest hard. 

"Let's get this over with." I grunted to Crowley. 

Crowley waggled his eyebrows and pulled me towards him by my head. 

I squirmed as he pulled on my hair in the exact spot Cas had almost ripped it out that morning. 

I heard the clicking of a picture being taken once his lips were on mine. 

I was used to stubble on my face now from Cas but not the scratchiness of a beard. 

The breath spray did almost nothing for the stench of sulfur coming off Crowley by being this damn close. 

Crowley was too warm too, so warm it almost burned to be connected to his lips for that long. 

I felt one of Crowley's hands holding my waist and snaking around me until eventually he was heading towards my ass. 

I shoved him off. "Alright, that's enough. Touchy." 

"The ladies aren't lying. Or the angels." Crowley winked and licked his lips. 

"Are you okay?" I heard Cas asking quietly. 

Heartbreaking eyes. 

"Better than ever." I tried to smile. "You ready?"

Cas nodded, laying down. 

I spotted him blinking rapidly and his bottom lip wobbling as Jody let go of his hand. 

Sam and I stayed very close. 

Sam watching Crowley's every moved whilst I watched Cas'. 

He was blinking away his tears rapidly. 

He was shaking. 

I was sure he'd be stuttering if he spoke. 

His hands were tightly pressed to his chest. 

Five minutes, I reminded myself. 

Crowley stepped closer to Cas and Cas let out a small scream, turning his head away. 

"Cas, you okay?" I asked shakily. 

"Y-yes." 

Liar. 

I swallowed.

Crowley was stood over him now and Cas was biting his lip to try and not let the noise escape but I heard it. 

He was trying not to scream. 

His heels dug into the bed and his legs were shaking. 

He was forcing himself to stay put. 

I thought about holding him down but it would most likely make it worse as he was trapped when Metatron took his grace the first time. 

Suddenly it was like a dam burst and Cas screeched, moving up the bed and kicking Crowley away. 

A sob ripped from his chest as he screamed my name. 

"Cas! Cas! You with me?" I instantly sat on the bed and grabbed the back of his head. 

Cas' eyes were shut tight as he hyperventilated, gasping for air.

"D-Dean!" He wailed. 

"Hey! Hey! I'm here!" I tried to get him to open his eyes but he was having none of it. 

Jody and Sam moved quickly, Jody grabbing his legs and Sam grabbing his left side whilst I grabbed his right, Crowley dragging himself up and picking up the angel blade again. 

Cas screeched and practically vibrated under all of our grips, choking on his sobs. 

His eyes were wide open now as he stared at Crowley. 

"Make it quick." I growled, my arms burning as Cas pushed against us all hard. 

Crowley nodded, almost like he was lost for words as he leaned over me and towards Cas' neck. 

Cas thrashed his entire body until he had the arm I was holding down free to throw over his neck. 

It made Sam's grip falter so Cas had a free arm to swing at Crowley he tried again. 

"Dammit, Cas." I tried prying his arms away but it only made him worse. 

His lips were turning blue, a vein in his forehead bulging like it was going to burst he was that bad. 

I heard myself yell in frustration as I pulled his arms apart. 

Cas let out a broken noise. 

"Y-you bro-broke m-m-m-me." He shivered hard, staring right at me. 

Nothing but pure pain and terror in his eyes. 

"Y-y-your fault. D-De-De-Dean." 

"I know." I swallowed."C'mon. Let me fix you, Cas." 

Cas jerked his head away from Crowley as he tried twisting around so he was lay on his stomach. 

Crowley groaned in frustration. "I can't. Can't you knock him out?" 

"No." I growled. "Gonna have to wait til he snaps out of it." I gestured at Jody to let go and Sam to help me. 

Crowley huffed. "How long will that be?" 

Jody sighed and nodded at him to come and sit at the table. 

I grit my teeth and forced Cas into the sitting position, wrapping my legs around his and pinning his wrists to his chest. 

My arms burned and cried out with the overexertion of four episodes in a few hours but I could do this for Cas. 

"H-H-H-He tr-trick-tri-trick-tricked m-m-m-m-me-me." Cas stammered harder with each word, his head swinging back against my chest as I tried to steady him. 

"I know. I know he did. It's okay." I tried, ignoring my new audience member. 

"G-g-gonna take -i-i-it f-f-for-" Cas shrieked.

Wailing that I was going to hate him when I found out. 

The pure panic and terror as he cried that he wouldn't be able to heal Sam if the last trial hurt him more. 

"It's all okay now, Cas." I tried whispering. "Me and Sammy are here. Sam's okay. You're okay. I'm okay. It all worked out." 

Cas disagreed violently. 

"Sam get his legs." I sighed, unhooking my legs as Sam pinned them for me. 

"I-I-I didn't kno-o-o-ow." Cas howled. "I was-" 

Cas started babbling in Enochian then. 

Crowley raising his eyebrows at a few of the curse words Cas used, a few impressed looks. 

"Bet you enjoy that dirty mouth, huh?" He winked at me. 

"Not the time, Crowley." I growled. 

Cas seemed to almost be wearing himself out by how hard he was fighting to get free. 

He'd given up speaking quickly. 

Too tired for it. 

I let Sam go to the table with Jody and Crowley after my legs had had a small rest. 

Just a few whimpers and sobs every now and then. 

"Dean?" I heard after another hour.

"Yeah." I let myself breathe and loosen my arms a little, then my legs. "You okay?"

"D-did he do it?" Cas' head moved around. 

"No. You had another episode, man. Been a couple hours." 

"I'm sorry." Cas whispered, another new broken quality to his already broken voice. 

I couldn't hear him or see him like that again. 

I couldn't do it. 

I wouldn't make Sam or Jody see it either. 

I didn't want Cas to go through it. 

I was pretty sure he couldn't die from a heart attack but I didn't want to find out in the next ten minutes. 

Crowley couldn't go near him. 

That was clear. 

He didn't trust him. 

_"I trust you."_

"Cas?" 

He turned around and pulled my arms away from him. 

I tasted the bile that rose up before I asked. "Who do you trust most in this room?"

"You." Cas tilted his head like it was obvious. 

I supposed it was obvious. 

But I shouldn't be the most trustworthy to him here. 

Sam, Jody and Crowley had never made him freaking homeless for starters. 

"Right." I nodded and tried to ignore the guilt swirling around. "It's just-we-we tried to pin you down all three of us but Crowley still couldn't do it. You wouldn't let him near your neck at all." 

"W-what are you saying?" Cas asked quietly. 

I shakily held my hand up and stroked his neck. 

Cas shivered and looked panicked for a moment but he didn't flinch back and the panic faded quickly. 

I grit my teeth. 

There was my answer.

"Looks like I'm gonna have to do it." 

Cas shook his head, his eyes filling up with even more damn tears. "I-I can try again." 

I felt Sam sitting down on the bed. 

"That'll mean a potential five episodes in half a day, Cas. I'm not letting you do that. This is the safest way. You trust that Dean won't hurt you, right?" 

"He wouldn't." Cas agreed. 

I felt like I was going to throw up. 

Or cry. 

Or break something. 

But I stayed frozen, just sat with Cas and Sam on the bed, discussing how I would slit Cas' damn throat. 

"Okay, so just keep thinking of that. You can do it, Cas. We're all rooting for you here." Sam smiled sadly. 

Cas turned back to me. 

I felt the tears slipping down my cheeks. 

There really wasn't any other way we could do this. 

"Dammit. Gonna make it real quick, okay?" I promised. 

"Okay, Dean." Cas mumbled and lay down. 

I hated that he trusted me this much. 

Hated it. 

_Okay, Dean._

Okay, Dean? 

No resistance. 

No hint of regret or fear. 

Complete faith. 

I heard Crowley sigh and make his way over to me to give me the blade. 

Cas' breathing quickened and his eyes widened. 

"You with us, Cas?" I asked, stroking my hand over his cheek. 

It didn't seem to register. 

But he nodded. 

"Crowley I mean it. As soon as the grace is out you heal." I grunted. 

"Yeah, yeah. Don't get your knickers in a twist. I'll have him good as new." Crowley waved me off. 

I looked down to Cas. 

Cas with red rimmed eyes. 

Cas with tear streaks down his cheeks.

Cas with bandaged up arms with blood seeping through. 

Cas with a big bruise on his forehead.

Cas with wild hair from fighting through four episodes.

Cas with his pjs still on at three in the afternoon. 

Cas with his skinnier than usual frame because he barely has time to eat between episodes and feeling too shitty to force himself to eat. 

Cas with dark circles under his damn eyes all the damn time because his nightmares are so terrifying that he refuses to sleep. 

Cas with his bottom lip bleeding and wobbling because he'd been biting it that much to stop himself from making noise to let us know he was freaking out. 

Cas with his hands pressing so hard into his chest he would probably be leaving bruises. 

Cas with constantly bruised wrists because of how hard Sam and I had to hold him down for each episode.

Cas with his entire body shaking as he tried to fight off a fifth episode.

Cas with more tears filling up those sad blue eyes of his. 

Cas having nothing but pain, terror and heartbreak in his eyes as he looked up at me. 

"Cas, close your eyes." 

Cas stayed looking up at me, a hint of trust was there but it kept disappearing. 

He shook his head. 

"C'mon, Cas. Close your eyes for me." I begged, a tear running down my cheek.

"C-can't." He gasped out, clearly the effort of speaking was insane. 

I lowered myself down to the bed and held his shoulder. "Cas, I can't do this when you're lookin' up at me like that." I wiped my eyes, hoping to see Cas looking slightly less broken when I looked back at him. 

If anything he looked even more broken, crumpled. 

"Please just-just close your eyes." I begged again. 

I heard Sam and Jody coming over, Sammy grabbing Cas' hand and squeezing hard. 

Jody sat by his head and ran her hands through his hair softly. 

Cas' eyes darted between me and Crowley, still full of tears. 

He barely looked like he knew what was going on. 

I blinked furiously as my vision became blurry again. 

"Please, close your eyes." I begged through gritted teeth. 

Cas' eyes fluttered shut, a few more tears escaping as he did. 

I was prepared for Cas to freak out and push me away like he did with Crowley. 

But I wasn't prepared for Cas staying still as a rock as I cut into his neck with a shaky hand. 

He let out a terrified yelp that was soon cut off. 

I heard my own sob over his desperate gasps for air. 

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Cas." I forced out as I kept going, blood was gushing from his neck. 

Where was the damn grace? 

"Sam!" I yelled. "Where is it?!" I panicked, holding the vial against his bleeding neck. 

Cas' eyes were still shut tight and I was so thankful because I don't think I could've managed if he'd opened them. 

"I hear it." Crowley scrunched his eyebrows. "I won't let him die. Don't worry." 

I blinked the tears away as I stared at the open neck wound, trying to listen for Cas' grace instead of his desperate little whimpers and gasps as he tried to breathe. 

"It's okay." I tried soothing. "You hear me, Cas? It's okay!" I shouted. 

Sam and Jody were saying the same. 

I was sure even Crowley let a few 'It's gonna be okay' slip out as we all waited for his grace to show up. 

"C'mon, Cas. You can do it." I blinked quickly again. 

Finally I could hear it. 

I saw a small sliver of light coming from Cas' neck. 

I tried holding the vial steady but my hands were shaking just as violently as Cas had started to. 

Crowley held my hand steady in front of Cas' neck, mouthing 'c'mon' to himself as he stared at Cas.

Maybe Sam was right. 

"That's it." Crowley let go of my hand and pushed my hand away, putting his hand on Cas' neck. 

Cas' mouth opened to scream but nothing came out for four seconds. 

Finally I heard him screaming, trying to shove Crowley away. 

Sob after sob ripped through Cas, even when Crowley let go. 

I heard the angel blade fall off the bed and onto the floor as I screwed the lid on the vial and passed it to Sam. 

Jody, Sam and Crowley all went to the table as I lurched forward to pull Cas up, forcing him into my lap as I wrapped my arms around him as he carried on sobbing and choking on his own breaths, his hands clutching his neck and chest. 

"It's okay, sweetheart." 

"You did so good." 

"It's over now." 

"I'm here, Cas." 

"I've got you." 

"You're safe." 

"You're home. No one's gonna hurt you."

I pulled him closer so his face was in my neck, feeling my neck and my shirt getting wet with his tears. 

Please just say something. 

Please. 

"Talk to me, baby. Please." I begged. "Tell me you're okay. Tell me you hate me. Anything." I gasped out. 

Cas only cried harder into me.

One hand stayed on his neck but I felt the other move away from his chest and to my shirt, clinging onto it. 

I let out a sigh of relief, at least he wasn't trying to get the hell away from me after I'd cut his damn grace out. 

I wouldn't've been surprised if he was terrified. 

But he wasn't. 

I didn't think so anyway. 

He was holding onto me anyway. 

"It's all done, Crowley's going." Sam patted my shoulder. 

I looked up from Cas' shoulder with blurry eyes. 

"Thank you, Crowley." 

Crowley gave me an actual smile, not his disgusting smug one and patted me on the shoulder before patting Cas and snapping his fingers to leave. 

I let my head fall back onto Cas. 

"I got you." I rocked him back and forth on my lap. 

Sam and Jody perched beside us. 

Telling Cas how proud we all were but Cas was still incoherent. 

Choking as he cried harder still, holding onto my shirt so tight I thought it would rip. 

"What should we do?" Sam's eyes were teary as he stroked up and down Cas' back. 

"He's gonna tire himself out eventually. We wait." Jody sighed. "Figure out what to do when he wakes up." 

I held tighter onto him, only just realising that Crowley cleaned Cas' clothes up when he healed him too. No blood anywhere. 

At least we could get him straight to bed. 

It was a struggle getting Cas to our room when he was dead weight and wasn't aware enough to let go of me. I had Sam supporting my arms because they were so damn weak from all the episodes as I carried him. 

Any other day I'd easily carry him no problem. 

Finally though we were in our room, the lights off. 

Sam and Jody gone. 

Cas was still crying softly into my chest, still no words spoken. 

"I didn't say it before because I-I didn't want it t-to be a goodbye. Y'know? I know I've already told you twice now. But I should-I should have told you before we did that, Cas. I love you. Please, please stop crying. I-I need you. I love you, Cas. C'mon." I stroked through his hair. 

Cas' breathing finally started to slow down, his grip on me getting more loose. 

"Dean." I heard him sigh with some Enochian.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey dudes  
> i'm so sad that we're nearly at the end of this fic  
> like incredibly upset  
> let me know if there's anything that you want me to include in the final chapter or anything you want clearing up before this fic is finished  
> also a shameless self promotion here ahaha i've started an instagram because i've started trying to learn how to draw (i'm not good so please don't expect much lmao) but i post updates on there to when a new chapter is coming out etc so if you wanna check it out that'd be cool dudes, here's the link
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/pullmyfingercrashgiggles/
> 
> see you in the comments or the next chapter my dudes  
> lotta love and stay safe!


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey dudes  
> sorry this took so long  
> i have no excuse other than i wanted to make sure it was a good enough ending  
> it's been a wild ride  
> see you at the end  
> enjoy!  
> lotta love  
> C

**Castiel's POV**

Realising that I was dreaming made me startle awake, my hand clutching my throat instantly. 

Crowley was going to cut my grace out-

No. 

I was sure we'd already discussed that. 

It was Dean. 

Dean would be doing it. 

I should move my hand and let him. 

But I couldn't hear anyone trying to stop me. 

No hands were swatting my hand away. 

I slowly opened my eyes, Dean wanted me to keep them shut for him.

"Dean?" I whispered. 

My chest let out an ache when he didn't respond. 

And that's when it all came rushing back to me. 

The pain. 

The screaming. 

The crying. 

The sound of my grace. 

The feel of the blood dripping from my neck. 

A hand in my hair. 

A hand gripping mine. 

Dean's yelling. 

Sam and Jody's reassurances. 

Crowley's whispering. 

It all rushed back with a force that punched right through the hole in my chest. 

What happened after that? 

Where was I? 

Was I still in the bunker? 

Was I in Lebanon? 

Was I even in Kansas? 

Was I on the way to Idaho again? 

I was human now. 

Last time I was human. 

What if they realised after my grace was cut out? 

What if-

"Dean." I heard my voice crack in time with a big tear in my chest.

I finally felt something real then. 

A hand was on my shoulder.

"Cas? You awake?" 

"Y-yeah." I took my hand away from my throat and took his hand away from my shoulder, gripping it tight. 

He was here. 

Here. 

Where was here?

Dean squeezed back and leaned away, I heard a click and then I could see him. 

His eyes were tired, red rimmed. 

He'd been crying. 

There was blood on his hands. 

My blood. 

But I could see my yellow covers. 

My grey blanket. 

Our room.

"You did it." I tore my eyes away from his hands and up to his eyes. 

Dean looked away. "I did. I'm sorry, Cas." 

I shook my head as my chest started to quieten down.

"Are you okay?" 

Dean forced out a laugh. 

"What?" I narrowed my eyes at him. 

"You're asking if _I'm_ okay? _Really?_ " Dean let go of my hand and brought it up to my neck, tracing where he cut me with his thumb. 

My breathing hitched but I let him stay there, he wouldn't hurt me. 

Dean shook his head, a sort of smile on his face. 

"What's the matter?" I asked. 

"You still trust me, huh?" He asked, his eyes watery. 

"Of course." I scrunched my eyebrows at him. 

"I-I uh didn't-I didn't know if you would af-after. Well y'know." 

I shook my head. "I trust you." 

"I know." He smiled. "How are you feeling?" 

I shrugged. "I'm not sure. I was-I didn't remember properly but-but then I did and I couldn't see so-so I didn't-I-." I shut my eyes and tried to sort out my stammering. "But you're here. We're in our room and-and we're okay." 

"We are? Okay?" 

"I believe so." I nodded. 

Dean pulled me into him quickly, kissing my hair for a long time as he held me close to his chest. 

"It's so good to hear your voice, Cas. You got no idea." 

"Why? When-How long have I been asleep?" 

"About six hours." Dean chuckled into my hair. "Too long for my liking." 

"I'm human now." I smiled against his chest. "Shouldn't I be getting eight hours?" 

Dean chuckled again before he pulled away, catching my eyes with his and holding me there. "I love you, Cas." 

I couldn't help the smile that formed. "I love you too." 

Dean let out a big breath of air. 

"You were scared I wouldn't?" I tilted my head at him. 

He nodded, dodging my eyes now. 

"Why?" 

Had I given him a reason to believe that I'd stopped? 

"I hurt you, Cas. Don't lie, I know it fucking hurt." Dean sighed. "I mean there was no other option but-" 

"I don't think I'll ever stop." I pursed my lips. "I don't think I can." 

Dean broke into a smile. "Me neither. You forgive me?" 

"There's nothing to forgive." I shook my head. 

I noticed Dean was checking me over multiple times throughout our conversation, almost like he was waiting for something to happen. 

I didn't blame him for it. 

I would be worried about him if the role was reversed.

But it almost felt like putting on an old piece of clothing. 

Being human wasn't exactly how I remembered it to be but it was still familiar. 

I didn't know if it was a nice feeling or not yet. 

"Dean?" I yawned. 

"Yeah?" 

"Can I go back to sleep now?" 

"Yeah, sweetheart. Want me as a pillow?" 

"Your hands?" I nodded. 

"There's still gonna be a shower when we wake up." He smiled and shrugged his shirt off before laying down. 

"Okay." I yawned again, shuffling down the bed so I could rest my head on his chest, one of my arms around his torso and my other arm loosely around my own chest. Just in case. 

Dean kissed my hair. "Night, Cas." 

"Goodnight, Dean."

* * *

I was getting more and more confused by the minute. 

I'd woken up again and gotten confused again. 

But that was okay. 

Dean woke up too and suggested that we should just get up for the day anyway. 

We showered, dressed. 

Waited for Sam and Jody to wake up. 

We all had breakfast. 

Sam, Jody and Dean all watched me carefully. 

But Dean's hand was in mine. 

Above the table. 

Which I found strange. 

But I didn't argue. 

After that Sam wanted to talk but I was tired again. 

I was worried that Dean would make me stay awake but he didn't. 

He came back to bed and turned on one of his western movies and let me rest on him whilst he watched it on a low volume. 

None of that was what was confusing me. 

It was a little confusing because it all just seemed so familiar but at the same time it was _so_ different. 

But my chest still ached. 

It was still twisting and pulling. 

Aching and tearing. 

I didn't understand why. 

But they were all so happy that I wasn't having an episode. 

I wasn't holding my chest when they looked at me. 

I knew that Dean especially looked out for that. 

I didn't want to disappoint them and tell them it was hurting still. 

But why hadn't it worked? 

I thought that they'd done this so that I would be better.

* * *

_Week one_

Things were almost normal. 

Almost. 

Whatever normal was to us at least. 

Sam and Dean still wouldn't have any cases, they'd find them and pass them along to other hunters. 

They'd hang by the phones and research for other hunters but they didn't do any cases of their own. 

I understood to a point. 

But at the same time I didn't understand at all. 

I was 'fixed' now. 

I never liked to think about it. 

I refused to speak about it to Sam, Dean or Jody after I'd spoken to Dean after it had happened. 

If I spoke or thought about it, it became real. 

It became my life and who I was now.

Human. 

Again. 

I hated thinking that. 

Dean still asked me what kind of day I thought it would be when we woke up in the mornings. 

I almost never remembered going to sleep. 

I shouldn't need as much sleep as my body was insisting on. 

I'd be awake long after Dean started snoring. 

Watching the TV shows or scrolling through my phone. 

I should be out there helping the people who slept outside. 

But I wasn't. 

I was lay in bed with Dean, not sleeping. 

Because I shouldn't need to. 

I should be fixing Heaven and helping my brothers and sisters. 

But I was lay in bed with Dean, not sleeping. 

Because I shouldn't need to. 

I hated each human activity I had to do with more passion as each day passed. 

Sleeping was a chore and it felt so much more wrong than it had for the past few months, at least then I was still me. 

Now I wasn't so sure. 

Eating was a chore too. 

There was no joy in eating anymore. 

I just did it so the awful changes to my body wouldn't happen again. 

Sam joked at dinner saying that I ate to live and Dean lived to eat. 

Dean joked back saying that opposites attract. 

I smiled along with them laughing. 

But I had to swallow the bile that rose up along with the food I was forcing down my throat. 

I shouldn't have to eat at all to live. 

It shouldn't be a necessity for me. 

But I felt it. 

The hunger sometimes hit me so suddenly and my body would panic and instantly remember how intense my hunger had been the year before. 

Even when Famine had struck the hunger I felt then was nothing compared to when I was sleeping outside. 

I hated that I knew the reason behind that. 

I was an angel then, it was dulled. 

Thinking like that didn't help. 

As soon as I was 'better' I would have my grace back. 

This was temporary. 

I'd sleep and I would eat just to keep my body at peak condition so that I would be of use until I could have my grace back. 

This wasn't forever. 

This was a temporary situation. 

* * *

_Week two_

I'd never been an angry person. 

I'd always had some anger hidden inside of me. 

That had been there since the beginning I think. 

It was always pushed down. 

I was angry that I had to follow orders that I didn't agree with. 

I was angry that Anna had fallen. 

I was angry that I was forced to take Anna's place. 

I was angry when I was still with Heaven but I pushed it all down. 

I wasn't allowed to be angry. 

So I pretended that I wasn't. 

Then I fell. 

I was angry that I had fallen. 

Incredibly so. 

It was a rash decision. 

I hadn't had the time to think it through.

But it was done. 

And the anger began to leak out. 

I would be short with Dean when he would have a sarcastic comment. 

I didn't act as sympathetic as I should have when Bobby Singer was crippled. 

I should have been more sorry that I couldn't heal him but the anger was seeping out of me as I desperately tried to find God whilst also avoiding my family _and_ keeping the Winchester's safe. 

But I wasn't. 

My anger hit its peak once I'd realised that Dean planned to say yes to Michael.

The anger had poured out of me as I dragged him into the alley. 

I wasn't proud of what I'd done. 

Even as I hit him, I didn't really want to. 

But the anger burned and tainted every fibre of my being. 

I'd felt so betrayed by him, I didn't know what else I could do to show him. 

The anger was easier to control after that day. 

I supposed I was also angry about finding out that God didn't care. 

Maybe I'd put my anger from that onto Dean by mistake. 

It didn't matter anymore. 

I wasn't angry. 

I couldn't force myself to get as angry as I was then anymore. 

It mostly fizzled out anyway. 

I was usually left just feeling so empty and helpless which I found was better, I wasn't hurting anyone that way at least. 

Even when Naomi hurt me-

I wasn't angry with her. 

Even though I had-

I'd hurt Dean, badly. 

I wasn't angry with her. 

I was scared, terrified. 

Sad, heartbroken. 

Shocked, mortified. 

I had no trust left after she'd done that to me. 

I couldn't even trust Dean, what if it was all another trick? 

What if he was another clone that I would end up having to kill? 

I left. 

I ran away. 

But now-

Now the anger was back. 

Even more powerful than it had ever been in all of my existence. 

And I couldn't tame it. 

It was just _there_.

I didn't understand it or know how to regulate it. 

Jody had left a couple days after I'd become human, telling me to call her if I ever needed anything. 

But she was a very busy person, I wasn't her child. 

I wasn't her responsibility nor was I her burden. 

I couldn't ask for her advice. 

Dean was a very angry person, he had been since I can remember. 

He drank to deal with it and he hunted. 

But I couldn't do either of those things. 

Sam and Dean were always by my side every minute of each day so the most I could have was three beers in the evening without them looking at me strange. 

I knew I wasn't in the right frame of mind to start hunting again. 

There was nothing I could do but lash out and snap at the smallest things. 

I was surprised that no one had snapped back at me yet. 

But they hadn't. 

I could see my own behaviour and hear how I was speaking to Sam and Dean. 

It was awful. 

And yet I couldn't bring myself to apologise for it. 

Even at the end of each day lay in bed with Dean, I'd want to apologise to him. 

But I couldn't. 

The anger would bubble back up until I'd give up and just go to sleep. 

It took five days until Dean snapped back at me. 

I was surprised that it took so long. 

It happened small at first. 

But I could tell something big was coming from him. 

I knew that I should calm down, stop snapping. 

Maybe shut myself in the bathroom and have a bath or something. Stay away from him so we could both have space. 

But I didn't. 

I stayed in whatever room he went into. 

I practically invited him to shout at me. 

I started to do things that I _knew_ he hated me doing. 

But I couldn't stop. 

It started out with Dean rolling his eyes in the morning. 

Then his jaw would set. 

Then he'd look like he was about to say something but he'd change his mind and shake his head. 

It spurred the anger on. 

If my grace was still intact he would have screamed in my face countless times, maybe even thrown a few punches and I would have deserved it with how terrible I was being. 

But I didn't believe he'd do that. 

He was stopping himself. 

Sam tried to speak to me about it. 

I ignored him as if he hadn't spoken. 

Dean didn't like it when I ignored Sam. 

It made him angry. 

But Dean just gave Sam an apologetic look and carried on with whatever book he was reading. 

I don't remember what I did that made Dean fix me with a scowl but it can't have been the worst thing I'd done in the past few days. 

My heart sank as soon as he did it. 

I wanted to apologise. 

Right then and there. 

Beg for him to forgive my behaviour. 

But I didn't. 

Of course I didn't. 

I fixed him with my own scowl and dared him to argue. 

But he shook his head and turned away from me. 

The anger spilled. 

It seeped out of the hole in my chest that was _still there._

I let out a groan and stormed out of the room. 

"Cas, I swear. If you slam that fucking door-" Dean started. 

Finally. 

A response that wasn't ignorance or soft reassurances that everything would be okay. 

Finally. 

I slammed the door as hard as I could. 

It made me angrier. 

If I had my grace the door would have easily shattered. 

But there was only a loud bang from the door frame and my wrist had twisted in the wrong way. 

I expected to hear a chair scraping and Dean stomping his way to me. 

I waited outside the door. 

But after two minutes he didn't come. 

Sam didn't either. 

I stormed back inside, the scowl still on my face. 

"You finished throwing your toys?" Dean huffed, not looking at me. 

Sam didn't even bother acknowledging that I'd come back inside. 

There was no point. 

He knew I'd ignore him anyway. 

I hated this.

"Why won't you _do_ anything?" I challenged, my legs and arms shaking as the anger coursed through me. 

"We're researching for Rudy's case. You could help." Dean's jaw was set, he was trying his best not to bite back. 

I wanted to push him. 

But nothing was working. 

I'd tried everything. 

"That's not-not what I meant." I swallowed, willing myself to get out of the fighting stance that I was stuck in. 

It didn't work. 

Dean finally turned and looked me up and down. 

Anger was there. 

But he was fighting it. 

Why did he get to do that when I couldn't? 

Why didn't he tell me how to do that? 

I managed to move but it was only to clench my fists. 

Dean's chair finally scraped as he stood up. 

"Y'gonna hit me, Cas?" He narrowed his eyes. 

Finally Sam looked up. 

As he anticipated, I ignored him. 

"Get on with it." Dean growled, keeping his hands at his sides, giving me all the power to hit wherever I wanted. 

And God, did I want to. 

My fists were itching, the hole in my chest was clawing at itself. 

But there was no episode. 

No episode to get it all out of me. 

It was stuck. 

I grit my teeth and shook my head. "No." 

"No?" Dean scoffed. 

"I d-don't want to." 

"Yeah. Tell yourself that, buddy." 

I blinked away the tears in my eyes as I stared at his feet. 

He wasn't even wearing his boots. 

Just his socks. 

I was fully dressed. 

In his clothes. 

Not my suit. 

His clothes. 

His old shoes. 

"We done?" Dean sighed. 

My head snapped up to meet his eyes. "What?" 

"Can I get back to researching or you wanna yell at me some more?" 

"I want you to do something." I blinked quickly, forcing my hands to stay in their fists instead of holding my chest. 

Dean was almost going to react. 

If I held my chest now he'd stop and freak out in the opposite way I wanted. 

"What is it you want me to do, Cas?" Dean huffed, finally moving and crossing his arms across his chest. 

"Kick me out." 

I heard it before I realised I'd said it. 

Dean's face dropped at the same time my heart did. 

It felt like my heart had hit the floor it had dropped so suddenly. 

"Cas?" Sam finally spoke. 

Dean was silent. 

I finally turned to Sam. 

His eyes were teary as he looked at me. 

I wanted to shake my head. 

Tell them that I didn't mean it. 

I didn't want that. 

It was the last thing that I ever wanted. 

_Ever._

But I didn't say anything. 

I just let the statement hang there. 

It was silent apart from all of our breathing for minutes. 

I didn't know how many. 

But enough for me to know that it was too long for us all to be silent for. 

Then it wasn't silent. 

I was suddenly pinned against the wall, Dean's arm across my chest. 

His face close to mine. 

I almost laughed at the similarity to how he'd pushed me into a door to kiss me roughly a few months ago. 

I didn't think this was the same. 

"You find it funny saying shit like that?" Dean growled. 

I wanted to shake my head. 

Apologise. 

But I didn't. 

I just stared back at his eyes. 

His anger was starting to match my own. 

I could see him fighting it. 

But he was losing. 

It was present anywhere I looked. 

"Dean-" I heard Sam. 

"Answer me, Castiel." Dean hissed. "Is it funny?" 

"Why-why won't you do it? You should want to." I struggled against his grip. 

If I had my grace I could move him off me with no effort. 

But I was stuck underneath him. 

Helpless. 

He could do whatever he wanted. 

"You've been-you been trying to get me to do it? That really what you want?" Dean's eyes widened. 

His anger was leaving. 

Tears were filling his eyes instead. 

_no no no_

"Just do something. _Anything_!" I grit my teeth as I gave up pushing against him. "I can't-I can't." 

Dean's arm fell from my chest, his hand going to my shoulder instead. "Hey." His voice was soft now. "It's okay." 

I jerked out of his grip and groaned. "No! Stop! Just stop it!" 

Dean looked back at Sam who was standing up now, coming over to us. 

"Stop what?" Sam asked. 

"Both of you!" I growled. "You're both just so-you're acting like I can't-" 

I couldn't explain it. 

It sounded stupid. 

I couldn't tell them that I wanted them to yell at me and tell me when I was being awful. 

It sounded ridiculous. 

More anger might work. 

I swallowed and turned back to Dean. 

"You-you took my grace away from me. You cut me and now-now you won't even tell me where it is!" I yelled and turned to Sam. "And you let him do it all, Sam! You let him." 

"You're angry?" Dean said calmly. 

"Y-yes." 

"Angry." He nodded. "Angry I can work with." 

I looked back to him, he was smiling. 

Why did he get to be okay? 

"I'm not a case!" I seethed. 

"We know you're not, Cas. Just take a few deep breaths." Sam's voice was soft and low, his hand extended and going towards my shoulder. 

I'd heard him speak like that to people on countless cases. 

Just a case. 

That's why they weren't getting angry with me. 

But I was so angry. 

So very angry that it was spilling out and making me angry at them. 

"Cas, you know why I had to do it. You-you agreed to it, remember?" Dean was speaking softly. 

I shook my head. "Stop it! Just speak to- I'm not going to break." 

Dean fixed me with a confused look. 

"You want us to be mad at you?" Sam raised his eyebrows. 

"Yes." I nodded. "I've-I've been awful. But you're both just letting me. And-and it's not right. I hate it. It's-it's pity. All over again. I told y-you. I told you how much I hate it, Sam. So stop, please." I begged. 

"We don't pity you, man. I thought we talked about that." 

"Then why won't you get mad?" I grit my teeth. 

I wanted to hurl more awful phrases and insults their way just to get the aches away from my chest. 

I knew it wouldn't work. 

But what else would? 

The pills? 

"I'm gonna get him into our room." I heard Dean sigh. 

I turned back to him, he was staring at my hands which were on my chest. 

He thought-

He thought I was having an episode. 

I let him drag me there. 

I didn't help him by moving but I didn't refuse. 

His anger was gone and showed no signs of returning as he shut the door. 

"You know the drill, Cas." 

I shook my head. 

"C'mon. Don't make this hard." 

I grit my teeth and glowered at him. "I'm not getting on that bed." 

"Why?" He sighed. 

"B-because you'll hold me down and I'm not-I can't even." I groaned. 

"Can't what?" He asked, stepping closer. 

"Just leave me alone." I snapped and turned away from him. 

"Yeah, that's not gonna happen." 

"Why not? You were fine leaving me alone last year." I growled. 

I couldn't see his face. 

I didn't know if I'd made him angry or just hurt him. 

I acted like I didn't care which one it was, I didn't turn around. 

He didn't speak. 

But I heard him stepping closer. 

"You're human now." He stated. 

I huffed. 

"And you've been human for almost two weeks." 

I ignored him as his voice was right next to my ear, I could feel his shirt brushing against my shirt. 

"You're angry." 

I forced myself to keep my mouth shut. 

"You're not having an episode. You can't do that. Am I right?" 

I allowed myself to nod slowly. 

Dean let out a short breath. 

Almost like he had finally started to understand. 

Understand something that even I didn't understand properly. 

"What now?" I asked, still turned away from him. 

"Bathroom." He took hold of my shoulders and pushed me along to the bathroom. 

I sighed and let him do whatever he wanted. 

He didn't sound angry but his voice wasn't soft and reassuring like he used on cases. 

It was his normal voice. 

Dean let go of me once we were in front of the large mirror. 

I looked at his face through the mirror but it was hard to read his expression. 

"I want you to listen to me, Cas. Really listen. If you need a minute you tell me to shut up for a sec and then I'll stop. I want you to really hear me." 

"This is stupid." I glared at him through the mirror. 

Why were we in the bathroom? 

Why was he still stood behind me and looking at me through the mirror? 

Where had his soft reassuring voice that he'd been using for the past week gone? 

"I don't care if you think it's stupid." He snapped angrily. 

I nodded. 

That was Dean. 

That was the Dean that I knew. 

Dean would snap and get angry and let me know he was angry. 

Not hide it.

Dean never used to hide his anger from me. 

"You gonna listen to me?" He asked, holding eye contact through the mirror. 

"Yes." 

"Good." He sighed.

He didn't speak for a few minutes, his eyes wandering down my body and over my face through the mirror. 

"Well?" I grit my teeth. "Speak." 

Dean's jaw set as he scowled. 

"I get it." 

I scoffed. 

"I said listen." He growled. "I get it okay? Not perfectly. But you're pissed off. Pissed off at the world because you don't have your grace. It's not fair. You didn't want this to be you but it is. These are the cards you were dealt and you've no choice but to deal with it. It's not fair. I get that." His eyes were still wandering. 

"You're pissed off at me and Sam because we're the bastards that took it from you." 

I went to shake my head but Dean's eyes snapped up to mine, angry and warning me not to speak. 

"Listen." He huffed. 

I grit my teeth but didn't protest any further. 

"You're pissed at us, I get it. I'd be pissed off too. But you understand that we had to do it right? There wasn't any other choice. I couldn't have you having five episodes a freaking day. You would've died pretty soon. We could all tell. You weren't gonna survive it much longer." 

I wanted to argue but there was no point. 

He was right. 

"You get that but you're still pissed. Being an angel's way better. I know that. You know that. But there wasn't any other choice. Not your fault. Not my fault. Not Sam's. Not even Crowley's. Metatron tricked you. And believe me the next time we see that slimy bastard I'll kill him myself for what he did to you." His voice was gruff and furious as he spoke about Metatron. "If you wanna be pissed off, Cas. You can be pissed off. That's up to you. But you can't be pissed at me and Sam and you can't be pissed off at us for not getting mad back. You understand?" Dean nodded at me to speak. 

"I hate him." I expected my voice to be loud and angry like it had been for days now but it wasn't, it was small and weak. 

"Your chest still hurts too?" He nodded at my hand that was placed over my chest. 

I nodded just as weak as my voice. "S-sorry." 

"Don't apologise." He muttered. "You didn't tell us?" 

"Y-you'd think it didn't work and then you-you'd let me have my grace back." 

"You don't want it?" He asked, his hands moving to my shoulders. 

I shook my head. "It worked, I-I can't have an episode. B-but I know-I know I'd take it back." 

Dean sighed heavily. "You're sure it worked?" 

"Only f-for episodes." I admitted. 

"That's something at least." He mumbled. 

"So you're treating me like I'm gonna break for no reason. It's-It's infuriating." I chewed on the inside of my cheek. 

Dean shook his head. "We've been taking it slow with you just in case it didn't work. You of all people know we don't usually get lucky with this stuff." 

I scoffed. 

Of course I knew that. 

Dean nodded. "Okay. What else are you so pissed off about?" 

"Everything." I admitted. 

Dean pursed his lips. 

"I can't-I don't understand how to control it." 

"How did you do it last year?" He asked. 

I shrugged. "I wasn't angry." 

"What were you?" 

"Scared." 

Dean swallowed, his hands squeezing my shoulders. 

I heard a whispered apology under his breath. 

"How do you feel right now?" 

I chewed on the inside of my cheek as I thought. 

The anger was still there. 

But the hole in my chest was distracting and I mostly just felt sad and helpless again. 

"S-sad. An-and I can't control it. My body doesn't listen." 

"I want you to listen to me again, okay?" 

I nodded. 

"I'm gonna take your shirt off." 

"Why?" I grit my teeth as I spoke. 

"Trust me?" 

I scoffed but let my arms fall to my sides so he could do as he pleased. 

Dean took my shirt off methodically, breathing calmly as he did. 

I tried to hide the shiver that went through my body as he did. 

I didn't know if it was my body reacting to him or the sudden exposure. 

"Look at your body." 

I tilted my head at him in the mirror. 

"Just do it, Cas." 

I sighed but did as he asked. 

It looked normal to me. 

"What do you see?" 

"It's just me." 

Dean nodded. "Anything wrong with it?" 

"I-I don't think so." I swallowed as I stared at my own chest, almost expecting to see the hole there but of course it was just smooth skin. "Do you think so?" 

He shook his head. 

"Then why-" I started but Dean stopped me. 

"Last-last year. It looked a lot different right?" 

I blinked hard as the memory of staring at my body in the bathroom mirror came to mind. 

How long and thin my arms were. 

How dirty I was. 

How shallow my eyes were, how dim they looked. 

How my cheek bones stuck out just like my hip bones and my ribs did too. 

"Why-why are you-" I felt a tear slip down my cheek. 

"I'm sorry, Cas. But tell me. Is it different?" 

"Y-yeah." 

"How's it different?" 

My vision was blurry as I stared at my exposed skin, waiting for the hole to reveal itself physically instead of just screeching at me from the inside. 

"I-I'm not dirty." 

Dean nodded, rubbing circles on my shoulders with his thumbs. 

"My-my hair is neat an-and I can shave right n-now." 

"Keep going." Dean pressed a kiss into my hair. 

"I can't see any-any bones apart from my hip bones un-unless I stretch." 

Dean tensed slightly but carried on rubbing the soothing circles again quickly. 

"It's uh-it looks healthy n-now." I wiped my eyes quickly. 

Dean nodded and pressed another kiss to my hair. 

"What happened that made it change to being healthy?" 

"I got m-my grace back." I shivered as an ache ran through my chest. 

"Okay." Dean nodded. "But your grace has been a little wobbly right? So when it was hiding why was your body still looking healthy?" 

"Because I was eating an-and sleeping inside." 

"Yeah, exactly. So you had control again. You made your body healthy again. Even when your grace couldn't do it for you." 

"I guess." I mumbled. 

"Don't say 'I guess', Cas. You did that. A year ago, you're never gonna look like that again. You got that? Even if something goes wrong and you wanna leave the bunker. You know how to take care of yourself now. You learned it all on your own. You took control and you helped Jerry to change his body back to healthy too." 

"I don't understand." I sighed. 

"You have control, Cas. It might not seem like you do. But you do." 

He searched my face for any understanding but clearly wasn't happy with what he found. 

His lips pressed into a thin line. 

"What about two weeks ago? How's your body different from then?" 

My eyes flashed down to my arms. 

Clean of any bruises and healing wounds. 

"My arms are okay." I muttered. 

Dean smiled at me through the mirror. 

"Exactly. Who hurt your arms?" 

"I did." I swallowed. 

"No one else?" 

I shook my head and blinked back more tears.

"I get this is hard, Cas. Just trust me, okay?" 

I nodded.

"So when I took your grace you could've carried on hurting yourself if you wanted to, right?" 

"I don't want to." 

"And who's making you not hurt yourself?" 

"No one." I gave him a confused look. 

I didn't understand anything that he was saying. 

"Look, I know Sam's better at this but I'm trying here." He sighed. "You're making the decisions to eat and drink, sleep properly, not drink yourself to death, not take some pills and to not hurt yourself. That's all you. If you really wanted to I couldn't stop you. I'm not awake twenty four hours a day. There would be a way for you to make the wrong decisions if you really wanted. But you're not doing it. You're doing everything right. You're making choices. You are in control of so many things, Cas." 

"But everyone-" 

"Cas." He warned. "You might not have full control on all of your feelings yet but none of us in this family do. We all struggle with it. It's not easy and it's a whole different kinda deal for you. You're gonna struggle. You're not gonna be perfect at everything straight away. But you're already doing such a good job, man. I mean look at you." He nodded to the mirror. 

I stared back at myself and him smiling behind me. 

"You're strong and healthy. You've got a real nice tan that I've gotta say I'm jealous of just don't tell Sam. You look after yourself and not because you have to. Because you want to. You have the control. You are doing so damn well, Cas. I'm so fucking proud of you. Sam is too. And Jody. We've all been waiting for the other shoe to drop but you've been proving us all wrong every single day." 

"But I've been so angry-" I argued. 

Dean rolled his eyes. "Being a grumpy ass is nothing, Cas." 

"How do I stop?" I asked. 

"You just gotta talk to me about it, man. We can figure it all out. But whenever you feel like you're not in any control I just want you to remember this right now, how much you've controlled and what you've changed." 

"I'm sorry." I saw my bottom lip wobbling in the mirror. "I just-I just miss it so much." 

Dean span me around and pulled me close, his hands in my hair. "I know, sweetheart. I know. You can be angry all you want." 

"And you won't get rid of me?" 

"Never." He promised. 

I nodded into his chest. "I'm sorry." 

* * *

_Week three, four and five_

The anger slowly faded after mine and Dean's talk in the bathroom in front of the mirror.

I managed to apologise more to Dean that night and I apologised to Sam the next day too. 

Dean was right. 

I had control now. 

My emotions and the hole in my chest were uncontrollable. 

But I was in control of my body again. 

It had been so long since I was in control of my own body. 

It had never been like this either. 

As an angel my grace had control over my body. 

As a human in Idaho I had no control. Anything that happened to my body was dictated by pure chance and the weather. 

Then when I came back to the bunker the episodes had control over me. 

But now-

Dean was right. 

I had the control. 

I could make myself eat until I felt sick if I wanted to. 

I could wear too many layers and start sweating if I wanted to. 

I could start running with Sam in the mornings too if I wanted to. 

I didn't do any of those things though. 

Instead I would eat until I felt that I was full. 

I wore an appropriate amount of clothing both indoors and outdoors so I wouldn't be too cold or too hot. 

I did want to keep myself strong and healthy so I did start running but I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed so early in the morning like Sam did so I went in the evening instead, just before it went dark so I could have a break in the middle of my run and watch the stars for a while. 

Control was mine. 

I had the control over my body and my actions. 

Dean told me countless times how proud he was and each time it made me smile and my eyes fill up with tears, as much as I hated having teary eyes I prayed he'd never stop telling me. 

It was becoming one of my favourite things to hear. 

Sam suggested it first. 

That we should go on a case again. 

I saw no problem with it at first. 

I was excited to start helping again. 

I'd been to the soup kitchen a couple of times and I felt good that I was helping the people who slept outside. 

But something was missing. 

Hunting was missing. 

As we were packing our hunting bags I was struck with fear suddenly. 

"You okay?" Dean looked up. 

"You need to bring my grace." 

He dropped the jeans he was holding. 

"Why?" 

"What if something happens?" 

"Like what?" He picked the jeans back up and folded them again, putting them into the bag. 

"What if one of us gets hurt and I need to heal and I can't?" 

"It's a milk run case, baby. You won't need it." He shook his head. 

"Whenever you say it's a milk run something always goes wrong. Remember the vampire nest with Jody?" 

"Yeah, that wasn't a milk run." He rolled his eyes. "We knew that would be risky." 

"If I didn't have my grace then you would be dead." I huffed. "We need to bring it." 

"Cas-" Dean started. 

I shook my head. "Just in case. I won't ask for it unless we need it." 

"You know if you do use it then when we get home we'll have to call Crowley again?" 

I nodded. "I don't want to risk it. Please?" I begged. 

Dean let out a huff of air. "Fine. But no asking for it." He grumbled. 

"I won't." I promised and watched him leaving our room. 

He came back quickly with the vial. 

I found myself staring at it as he shoved it into his pocket. 

"I'm serious, Cas. If you-" 

"I won't." I shook my head. "Not unless I need to." 

"Swear?" He asked. 

"I'll make a deal if you want?" I smiled. 

Dean snorted and pulled me closer. "You know how we seal a deal." 

I chuckled. "Why do you think I want to make a deal?" 

Dean laughed and leaned in to kiss me, his hands slotting around my waist. "Let's go kill some djinn." 

I smiled and zipped up my bag, slinging it over my shoulder before heading to the car. 

We found the warehouse that the djinn were hiding in quickly. 

We didn't want to waste any time as there were four potential victims and they could all still be saved so we raced to the warehouse. 

Sam and Dean were ready to go in and kill the djinn but I pulled Dean's wrist as we got out of the car. 

"What?" He asked. 

"Do you have it?" I asked. 

Dean sighed. "It's in the trunk." 

"We should bring it." I told him. 

"Guys c'mon." Sam sighed. 

Dean grumbled and opened the trunk, rummaging around before getting what I assumed was my grace out. 

I turned back to Sam and accepted the silver knife from him. 

"Already dipped it for you." He nodded. 

I thanked him and we all headed into the warehouse. 

Splitting up was always a bad idea. 

Every time Sam or Dean suggested it I didn't like it. 

But somehow it was always the plan and more often than not something went wrong. 

I knew something would. 

I hadn't found any sign of the djinn in my part of the warehouse. 

Dean had met me back and we had planned to help Sam with the rest of his part when we heard a loud crash and the sound of Sam groaning. 

Both of us broke into a sprint towards where the sounds had come from. 

Sam was on the floor, a djinn was feeding on one of the missing people across the room. 

"Cas, help him." Dean ordered and ran towards the djinn. 

I ran to Sam and shrugged my coat off to put under his head as I checked him over. 

He was breathing but it was shallow. 

His head was cut and bleeding, already swollen around the wound. 

I swallowed and checked his pulse, slow. 

I chewed on the inside of my cheek, his shoulder looked like it was dislocated. 

Shaking him awake wasn't an option if his shoulder was really dislocated. 

He'd be in incredible pain if I did that. 

Unless-

I heard the djinn falling to the floor and Dean unhooking the missing people. 

"Call an ambulance, Cas." He shouted. "Does Sam need one too?" 

"I'm not sure." I admitted as I checked him over again. 

Shallow breathing, slow heart rate, bleeding head wound, dislocated shoulder, unconscious. 

"Swap with me." Dean called. 

I nodded and lifted myself up, swapping places with Dean and unhooking the last missing person from the djinn's lair. 

They were all unconscious too. 

"He's gonna be fine. Ambulance is gonna be five, help me get Sammy up." 

"Okay." I arranged the last missing person into a comfier position and quickly helped Dean maneuver Sam upright so we could get him out of the warehouse. 

I watched Sam out of the corner of my eye as we drove back to the motel. 

He was still passed out in the back seat. 

We'd driven past the ambulances that raced to the warehouse minutes after we'd left and I couldn't help but wish we had waited for them and made them take Sam too. 

His breathing was too infrequent. 

I hated not knowing exactly what was wrong with him. 

Dean seemed to be worried too, his eyes were flashing to him through the mirror every few minutes but he didn't say anything until we were back in the motel. 

He was stitching Sam's wound on his head, ignoring his shoulder until Sam woke up. 

"Are you sure we shouldn't go to the hospital?" I asked again. 

Dean pursed his lips as he carried on sewing. "I'm sure." 

"But he must have hit his head pretty hard for it-" 

"He's gonna be fine, Cas." 

"But he's not woken up yet." I fretted. 

"He's just bein' lazy." Dean winked but I didn't smile. 

We didn't even know what he had hit his head on. 

"I think something's wrong." 

Dean ignored me. 

"Maybe we missed something." 

"Cas." Dean warned. 

"I think that you should let me-" 

"No." Dean snapped, not looking away from Sam's wound. 

"But-" 

"I said no." 

"Dean it's-" 

"It's a dislocated shoulder and a damn bump to the head, Cas. Don't be stupid." 

"I'm not being stupid." I argued. "I think we should know for sure if he's okay." 

"No." 

"Where is it?" I asked. 

Dean set his jaw. 

"Dean." I glowered. 

"Dammit, Cas! I said no." 

"Will you two quit fighting for five minutes." Sam groaned, finally opening his eyes. 

"Sam!" Both of us jumped. 

He groaned and held his hand to his head. 

Dean swatted his hand away. "Two minutes. Cas, go get some ice." 

I sighed but did as I was asked. 

I came back and Sam was getting his shoulder popper back into its socket. 

I swallowed the bile that rose at the sound that it made when Dean pushed it back in and handed him the ice that I'd gotten. 

"Thanks, man." He nodded and pressed it against his shoulder. 

"Do you remember what happened?" I asked, remembering all the questions that the doctors asked on Dean's TV show. 

Dean rolled his eyes from the bed but packed away the medical kit. 

"Yeah, Cas. I'm fine." Sam smiled, patting me on the shoulder. "Don't worry." 

"Do you have a headache? Can you see properly? Are you well balanced?" I carried on listing, ignoring Dean grumbling. 

"Bit of a headache. I'm fine though." Sam rolled his eyes. 

"A headache can be a sign of many things. I think that-" 

"No." Dean snapped. "Sam is fine. You're not having your grace back just because he's got a damn headache. Get changed and get into bed." He barked. 

I glared at him and snatched my bag, going to the bathroom to change. 

I ignored Dean talking to Sam, drowning them both out with the shower. 

I tried to drown my own thoughts out too but they persisted. 

What if Sam had severely damaged his head but because he was awake and seemed fine then we would go to sleep and not notice until it was too late? 

If I had my grace I could just touch his head and heal him and know exactly what his injury was. 

I would know and not have any need to worry. 

My worries didn't fade when I came out of the bathroom and Sam was already in his bed, asleep. 

I had barely been ten minutes. 

That wasn't a good sign. 

Dean huffed as he passed me, going into the bathroom to get changed and shower himself. 

I stayed sat on the edge of the bed and watched Sam's breathing as he slept. 

I knew now that it was considered to be creepy to watch someone sleep but this was important. 

Sam might be seriously injured. 

Dean sighed when he came out of the bathroom. 

"He's fine." He whispered. 

"What if he's not?" I looked up, noticing a faint glow coming from Dean's chest. 

"If he ain't fine then we take him to hospital tomorrow. I did all the checks. Are you seriously doubting my medical skills?" 

I shook my head. "I'd just like to be sure." 

Dean nodded. "Sorry, pal." 

I chewed on the inside of my cheek as Dean climbed into bed and pulled the covers over himself. 

It took him twenty minutes to pull me by my shoulder to lay down beside him. 

"Relax. Sam's fine." He kissed the back of my neck softly. 

I nodded but kept my eyes trained on Sam's softly rising and falling back. 

I'd watch over him. 

Just in case. 

"Go to sleep, Cas." Dean sighed and put an arm around my waist before settling into his pillow. 

I pretended to do the same but made sure I had a good view of Sam still. 

Soon enough I was fighting to keep my eyes open to watch Sam. 

Dean's snoring had become a safe and familiar sound to fall asleep too and his arm around my waist too. 

But I fought the urge to sleep and carried on watching Sam. 

I tensed each time that it looked like he stopped breathing, getting ready to wake Dean up 

But he was fine. 

He was okay. 

It helped that when it got light I could see him properly instead of having to strain my eyes to watch his body rise and fall. 

I tensed hard enough that Dean woke up when Sam started to wake up. 

"Ugh what time is it?" Dean groaned. 

"Six." I looked at the clock and turned over, satisfied that Sam was okay for a few minutes as he woke up. 

"And you're awake?" He raised his eyebrows, blinking a few times. "You didn't sleep?" 

I looked away. 

Dean rolled his eyes. "Least you can nap on the way home." 

"You need to check that Sam's okay." I nodded. 

Dean huffed but pulled himself out of bed. 

I fell asleep on the way back to the bunker. 

Dean had ended up snapping and telling me to quit acting like Sam was on his death bed so I didn't feel like talking to Dean and he didn't feel like talking to me. 

Dean would notice if Sam did anything strange on the way back. 

I let myself fall asleep in the backseat. 

Sam still seemed fine when I woke up. 

Dean still seemed irritated so I left him alone for a while longer. 

I periodically checked that Sam was alright. 

Sam looked more amused than irritated. 

He constantly assured me that he'd been hit a lot harder and been fine so he would be okay now. 

Dean said that I was just looking for an excuse to have my grace back. 

I didn't like him saying that. 

But I knew it must be true. 

I knew that if someone just threw the vial at me and told me to have it I wouldn't ask any questions, I would simply open it and take my grace back. 

And that was a problem. 

But I couldn't help it. 

But I was worried about Sam. 

I wasn't using him as an excuse. 

That would be wrong. 

"I ain't telling you where it is." Dean sighed when he came into our room that night. 

"I know." I nodded and shuffled so he could get in on his side. 

Dean let out another sigh and rubbed his eyes, shuffling closer until his head rested on my shoulder. "How're you feeling?" 

"Okay." I smiled in the darkness. "I know I don't actually want it." 

"Right." He nodded. 

"But I keep thinking that I need it." 

He nodded again and rested his hand on my chest, rubbing circles. "I think that should go away soon, you just know it's an option so it's gonna be in the back of your head. Just try and not think of it as a thing." 

"That's easier said than done." I muttered. 

"Yeah, I know." He agreed. "But think about it this way, every other hunter alive have all made it without help from an angel so we must be doing something right." 

"That's not a strong argument." I rolled my eyes. 

"Everything's gonna be fine. Look. If it'll make you feel better I'll bring it with me whenever we go on a hunt just in case one of us needs healing right then and there. Life or death situation. But other than that we don't even mention it. How about that?" 

"That could work." 

"It'll be hard. But I think you've just gotta get used to it. We're hunters, Cas. All of us are gonna get hurt every now and then. It's just a part of the life. You know that." 

"I still don't like the idea of just letting you and Sam get hurt." 

He sighed. "I know. But it's either we get hurt every now and then or we're fine but you're having episodes again. I know which one I'd rather." 

I nodded and pulled the blanket over us both properly. 

"Night, Cas." 

"Goodnight, Dean."

It took a few more cases for me to stop demanding that I could have my grace back. 

Even Sam told me of a few times for it. 

But I couldn't help it. 

It just seemed that I needed it. 

I knew that if I had it then I could help. 

But Sam and Dean both taught me what they knew about healing wounds and what to look out for, they'd start quizzing me randomly on my medical knowledge. 

The quizzes would be in the car, over breakfast, in the booth at the diner. 

Sometimes it was over text. 

I was improving at it did show me that I didn't need my grace. 

But then they stepped it up even further. 

I came back to the bunker late from the soup kitchen and Dean was waiting for me at the door and took my bag from me, replacing it with a different bag. 

Panic rushed through the hole in my chest which suddenly became very active. 

"Got a test for you." He smiled and kissed me quickly, shrugging his jacket off and handing it to me to put on. 

"What is it?" I stared at the bag he gave me as I put his jacket on. 

"Okay so I'm gonna be here the entire time but you can't ask me for help. I'm just gonna give you the basics. Wanna play?" 

"I don't understand." I scrunched my eyebrows. 

Dean was usually waiting in our room after I'd been to the soup kitchen. 

It was only eleven but I had to admit I was a little tired. 

Dean grinned and passed me a pretend gun.

"This doesn't make it any more clear, Dean." I sighed. 

"Put them how you would on a case." He nodded at me.

I rolled my eyes but did as he asked.

"Good. Now, the game is. We were on a hunt. You and Sam went into the abandoned house whilst I went to keep watch over the next potential vic. Got it?" 

"It's a game of pretend?" I tilted my head. 

"Exactly. I've left your grace with Sam just in case it's needed, it's in his back pocket. Sam is somewhere in the abandoned house but you've split up to find the thing faster." 

"What am I hunting?" 

"It's a werewolf. Do you understand what you need to do?" 

"Find Sam, kill the werewolf and get us out of the house." I played along with his game. 

"Perfect. I'm gonna be here but I ain't helping. Got it?" 

"I got it." I nodded and looked at him for direction on how to start the game. 

Dean grinned before putting two fingers in his mouth and whistling loud and clear. 

I flinched at the sudden loud noise but then there were even more loud noises. 

Crashing and the sounds of Sam yelling. 

"Is this the game?" I turned. 

"Yeah. What do you do?" 

"Find Sam." I nodded. 

Dean nodded at me, gesturing at me to hurry up. 

I sighed but walked down the stairs. 

"Sam could be hurt, are you really gonna be walking?" Dean questioned. 

I rolled my eyes but sprinted towards the sounds, Dean trailing behind. 

This was ridiculous but Dean had a smile on his face when I turned back. 

Sam's yelling seemed to be coming from the gym. 

I guessed they picked that room because it had the most open space in the bunker apart from the dungeon. 

"The door's locked." I huffed when I tried to open it. 

"Okay." Dean nodded. 

"I can't just blow the lock off." I grumbled, the ache in my chest was for my grace and I knew it. 

Sam screeched inside the gym and it sounded almost real. 

"Dean." I whined. 

"Okay. If I can't open a door how do I open it?" 

"You pick the lock." I chewed on the inside of my cheek. 

Dean nodded. 

"But I'm not fast enough and Sam sounds like he's dying." I complained. 

I knew Dean would have the key. 

"Give it a try first." He nodded at his jacket that I was wearing. 

I sighed but rummaged through the pockets for his lock picking kit. 

Finally I found it and started to try and listen for the clicks in the lock but Sam's shouting was too loud. 

Was something growling in there? 

I thought this was a game. 

"Dean, I can't do it." I threw the kit down. 

"What can you do next to try and open the door?" 

I shrugged. 

"Think Cas. C'mon." 

I strained my brain to think of anything that could work. 

Sam's shouting was so distracting. 

"Would I barge it down?" 

"On the right track." Dean nodded. "But if you hurt your shoulder you might not be able to kill the werewolf in time." 

"Kick it?" I asked. 

Dean nodded and stepped back. 

"What if I can't do it?" 

I wasn't an angel anymore. 

My strength was an average humans. 

Dean was able to man handle me and he did plenty of times just to irritate me and make me get out of bed most of the time. 

"You're strong as hell, man. C'mon, give it a try." He nodded. 

I didn't agree but I stood back and tried to kick the door down. 

The door groaned but nothing moved. 

"Try again." Dean ordered before I turned to him. "Sometimes takes a few tries." 

I nodded my head and set my jaw, putting as much force as I could into kicking the door. 

I almost fell into the room as the door swung open, off its hinges.

I felt Dean's hands catching me by my waist but he quickly moved. 

"Jody?" I raised my eyebrows as Jody growled at me and lunged towards me. 

"It's not Jody. It's the werewolf." Dean was trying not to laugh, I could tell. 

Jody swiped and kicked at me. 

"How do you kill a werewolf, Cas?" Dean shouted. 

"Silver bullet. Heart." I dodged a punch from Jody. 

Jody was clearly trying not to laugh too. 

"I gave you a gun remember." 

I rolled my eyes and struggled to pull the gun out with Jody swinging for me. 

But I managed to pull it out and point it at her. 

"I shot you." I said, expecting her to stop growling and attacking. 

"No you didn't." Dean snorted. "It's a fake bullet, Cas." 

I nodded and pulled the trigger, a foam bullet launched at Jody and she dropped to the floor, her body shaking so she was clearly laughing. 

"Is she dead now?" I asked. 

"Werewolf is dead. What now?" 

"Sam." I turned and spotted Sam on the floor, 'passed out' with what looked like ketchup all over him. 

I assumed it was ketchup due to the bottle on the floor across the room. 

"What do I do?" 

"So what happened?" Dean asked. 

"He's been attacked by a werewolf." I stated. "There's blood all over him and he's passed out." 

"Okay. Has he been bit? Or scratched?" 

I shrugged as I looked at the ketchup covering Sam. 

Sam's mouth was moving slightly that told me he was actually fine. 

"Have you been bitten or anything?" I asked Sam. 

Sam smirked but didn't respond, his eyes still closed. 

"This is stupid." 

Dean snorted. "Check the werewolf for any blood around her mouth or hands." 

"I thought you weren't helping." I muttered. 

Dean laughed. "If I didn't help Sam would be werewolf chow ten minutes ago." 

"Hilarious." I grumbled and pulled myself up from my knees to get to Jody. 

Jody was clean of any ketchup. 

"He hasn't been bitten." I made my way back to Sam. 

"What else can you tell me about what happened?" Dean kneeled on the other side of Sam. 

"He's supposed to be unconscious." I glared at Sam who was biting his lip to keep from laughing. 

"He is. Has he hit his head?" Dean asked me. 

"How am I supposed-" I started but Dean nodded towards Sam.

I needed to check. 

I checked over Sam's head for any of the ketchup and any 'swelling'. 

"There's no cuts and I don't feel any swelling." 

"What would you do if you did?" 

"I'd need to call you and ask you to get here." 

Dean nodded. 

I rolled my eyes but pulled my phone out. 

Dean's phone rang in his pocket but he silenced it. 

"Guess I'm not answering." 

"Why not?" 

"Maybe I'm busy." He shrugged. 

"You always answer the phone." I argued. 

Sam huffed from the floor. 

Dean smirked. "Okay, so I'm not answering. It's all down to you. Say his head is hurt what are you gonna do?" 

"Stop the bleeding, but he's not bleeding." 

"And?" 

"Try and wake him up?" I asked. 

Dean shrugged. 

"Can you decide if you're helping or not?" I muttered but put my hands on Sam's shoulders to shake him. 

Sam didn't respond. 

"Looks like he's knocked out good." Dean sighed. 

I heard Jody snickering from the other side of the room. 

"You're supposed to be a dead werewolf." I huffed. 

It only made another round of giggles escape and Sam's face to contort into a strange smile. 

"What do you do?" Dean asked. 

"I-I-He has my grace. You're not responding. I should get my grace and heal him." 

"No." Dean shook his head. "He's only knocked out. But look at the rest of him. Is he even breathing?" 

"Shit." I groaned. 

"Check." Dean ordered. 

Sam made his breathing very regular for me as I checked. "Yes." 

"Good. So he's knocked out but he's breathing. We can check his head more when he wakes up. What else can you do?" 

"He's bleeding." I swallowed and looked at all of the ketchup. 

"So?" 

"I should stop the big bleeds." 

"Perfect, Cas. Where's bleeding the most?" 

I scrunched my eyebrows and looked at Sam's body again. 

He had the most ketchup on his left side and his right thigh. 

"His thigh?" 

"Your call." 

"There's a main artery on his thigh so I should stop the bleeding there first." 

"That's right. What do you have that could stop the bleeding?" 

"I could get bandages from the infirmary." I started to stand up. 

Dean shook his head. "Remember we're in an abandoned house. Not at home. No bandages. What do you have?"

My eyes flashed to the bag that Dean had given to me that I'd dropped on the floor. 

"It's just guns." I dropped it again. 

"Look again." Dean ordered. "Quick, he's gonna bleed out." 

"There's nothing. I should just get my grace." 

Dean's face turned into a frown. "Think, Cas. Think of what _you_ can do. Not your grace not anything like that. You." 

I chewed on the inside of my cheek. 

"I-I uh-I should stop the bleeding." I started talking myself through it as I thought. "And-and I uh-Oh!" 

"What?" 

"When you cut your leg a few years ago Sam wrapped his belt around it!" 

"That's right. C'mon, quickly." 

I nodded and tore my belt off and wrapped it tightly around Sam's leg. 

"Is that too tight?" I asked Sam. 

"He's bleeding to death, Cas. Comfort isn't important right now." 

"Right." I nodded and looked back in the bag. 

Right at the bottom were two towels. 

I pulled one out and wrapped it around his leg tightly. 

"Why aren't you cleaning the wound?" Dean asked. 

"Because he's gonna die. I just gotta get him stable enough for the hospital." 

Dean broke into a grin. "Good, Cas. Carry on." 

I did the same with his side even though it was much more difficult to do especially since Sam was barely helping me to lift him at all. 

"Okay. Now what?" 

"I should try and wake him up again." I swallowed and started to shake his shoulders. 

Sam still didn't respond. 

"He's still not waking up." I chewed my lip. "Maybe there's something seriously wrong. I think I should get my-" 

"Who could help you get him to a hospital?" 

"You. But you won't answer your phone." I complained. 

"Maybe I'll answer this time?" 

I tried again but Dean silenced it. 

"Dean!" I groaned. 

"Think, Cas. Think hard. What would I do?" 

"You'd call me and I'd heal him." I huffed. 

"Before I knew you." Dean tried again. 

I shrugged. "I don't know." 

"When I don't know what to do with Sam and when he doesn't know what to do with me what do we do?" 

"Hospital. But I don't think I can carry him, and he might have a head injury so I shouldn't move him." 

"How else can you get to the hospital without driving?" 

My head was blank. 

I was sure the answer was obvious. 

But the most obvious answer I could think of was getting my grace out of his back pocket and healing him. 

"It's on Doctor Sexy all the time." 

"Ambulance." I almost shouted. 

"Good. You've called the ambulance now. They're gonna be ten minutes. Look around. Sam is stable. He's breathing. His bleeding is under control. What else is wrong?" 

I looked around the room like he told me. 

"Jody-The werewolf is here." 

Dean nodded. "What are your options?" 

"Hide her until the paramedics leave or drag her outside." 

"It's gonna be ten minutes. What do you have time for?" 

"Hide." I nodded. 

Dean nodded back. 

I stood up and took the bench from the side of the room and placed it in front of Jody and then shrugged Dean's jacket off and draped it over her body, hiding her as well as I could. 

"Good. Now what?" Dean asked. 

"Stay with Sam." I knelt back down. 

Sam suddenly gasped dramatically. 

"Cas? Where am I? What happened?" 

I frowned. 

Did I really have to carry on playing. 

Sam looked at me expectantly. 

"You were attacked by a werewolf. There's an ambulance on the way." I explained. 

"Where's Dean?" 

"He's not answering his phone because he's rude." I huffed. 

"My head hurts." Sam pouted. 

I rolled my eyes at his over acting. 

"You really gonna ignore your patient here, Cas?" Dean asked. "What do you need to check?" 

I sighed. "How's your vision?" 

"I can see fine but I have a headache." 

"Do you feel nauseous?" I asked. 

"No." Sam shook his head. 

"You should lay back down until the ambulance comes just in case." I pushed his shoulder. 

Sam smirked but lay back on the floor. 

"The ambulance has arrived and Sam is getting looked after by real doctors now. You did a great job." Dean grinned. 

"It would be easier if you just answered the phone." I crossed my arms after I stood up. 

Dean laughed and stood up too. "You can't rely on other people when you're hunting, Cas. That's how accidents happen." 

"I guess." 

"Can I come out now?" Jody called. 

Dean laughed. "Yeah. All done." 

Jody picked up the jacket and stumbled over the bench over to us. "We should start hunting classes." 

Sam smirked and untied the towels and my belt before he stood up. 

"Maybe if the student and teacher didn't bicker every five minutes the ketchup wouldn't be staining my clothes right now." Sam handed Dean something from his back pocket.

Dean rolled his eyes and put the thing in his pocket. "Get yourself cleaned up, me and Cas will cook us something to eat. Half hour good?" 

Jody and Sam both smiled and nodded before leaving the gym. 

Did Sam actually have my grace on him? 

Was it really there the whole time?

"We can't have dinner, it's almost midnight." I tilted my head. 

"It was an intense hour, I could use a midnight snack. Also Jody's been on the road all day." 

"I didn't know she was coming here." 

"Sam came up with the idea this morning and asked her to help out. Was it fun?" He asked, slotting his hands around my waist and pulling me closer. 

"I wouldn't say fun." I smiled and leaned in to kiss him slowly. 

Dean chuckled against my lips. "Educational?" 

"Annoying." I teased. 

Dean snorted. "You see what I mean now though?" 

"What?" I asked. 

"Every time there was something that went wrong you thought you'd need your grace back. But each time you didn't actually need it. You fixed Sam by yourself pretty much. You don't need it every time someone has a scrape." 

"I guess." I sighed. 

Dean caught my lips again, his hand threading into my hair. "You did so good, Cas." 

"You won't get rid of it?" 

"No." He shook his head. "But you gotta stop asking for it all the time, sweetheart. You're so much better off without it." 

I shook my head. 

"Cas. You are. When you had your grace you relied on it too much. It was always just heal someone no matter what. You healed me from a hangover a couple times. It's not needed. It's just a bonus that we used to have and now we don't." 

"It's nice to have a bonus." I argued.

"Not when the bonus starts causing trouble." Dean shook his head. "You kicked a door down, fought off a 'werewolf' and saved Sam all in under a half hour. That's impressive. I know you don't need your grace. It's more trouble than it's worth." 

"C-can I see it?" I asked. 

Dean sighed. 

"I won't do anything." I promised. 

Dean chewed on his lip and studied my face closely before pulling something out of his pocket. 

It was the vial. 

My grace was put in there. 

I remembered. 

It was attached to a silver chain in Dean's hand. 

Dean kept a tight grip on the chain as he showed me.

I studied my grace with care. 

It didn't look right. 

It was misty, almost murky. 

I remembered when Metatron cut it out and my eyes were open it was bright blue and so pure. 

But now-

The grace in the vial didn't look like that. 

It was faint blue, almost white. 

It had a shine to it but it was dim. 

Murky. 

Damaged. 

"What's wrong with it?" I asked, tracing my finger along the edge of the vial. 

Dean shrugged. "I guess it's because of all the fighting it did with your soul. If that goes back in you-" 

"I'll be the exact same as I was." I finished for him. 

"I'm sorry, Cas." 

"It's not your fault." I whispered. "I don't want it." 

"You don't." 

I shook my head. "Why's it on the chain?" 

"When you said you needed me to bring it on hunts. I was worried it would fall outta my pocket." 

"You've been wearing it around your neck?" I asked, remembering the case a couple of weeks ago when I thought I'd seen something glowing under his shirt. 

Dean blushed. "Yeah. That's not weird right?" 

I shook my head. "I like it. You can keep it safe." 

Dean smiled softly and loosened his hand so he could put the chain over his head, letting my grace fall over his chest. 

Right above where the hole in my chest was. 

I held the vial in my hand over his chest. 

"Thank you for taking it out, Dean." I leaned in and kissed him softly. 

Dean kissed me back, his hands firm around my waist. "You're welcome, baby." 

* * *

_Week six, seven, eight and nine_

Once I'd stopped asking for my grace cases became easier. 

Each day I expected the hole in my chest to close back up but it still didn't. 

I realised that I was still having bad and really bad days too. 

Dean rarely took my grace off his neck anymore, only when he showered really. 

Even then he sometimes kept it on, mostly it was under his shirt anyway.

I didn't mind, I liked it being there. 

It reminded me that I really didn't want it back. 

It was Dean's now. 

He could keep it. 

But that didn't stop the occasional aches when I caught a glimpse of it sometimes. 

Sometimes when I saw it I was fine but then other times I'd pull it off Dean and shove it in the bed side drawer before we went to sleep. 

Dean never complained when I did that. 

I sometimes caught him fiddling with the vial when he was reading or on the phone. 

That made me smile though because it usually meant that he was thinking about me. 

And that meant that he cared. 

But even though I had all of the positive changes from my grace being out, it didn't stop the bad and really bad days. 

Most days I could barely force myself to get out of bed. 

Dean sometimes left me alone to think and other times he stayed in bed with me. 

He and Jody ended up working a case together which left me and Sam at the bunker. 

It must have been around six in the evening when Sam knocked on my door. 

"You awake?" He asked. 

I hummed into my pillow and heard him opening the door. 

He walked over and sat on the edge of the bed. 

"You hungry? Jerry text and says he wants to go to the diner in a couple hours." 

"I'll be okay." I shrugged. 

"He meant with both of us. And Dean's gonna be home later anyway so he'll eat on the road." 

I shook my head. 

"What's up with you?" He shuffled so he was sat leaning against the headboard.

Just like he used to sit and keep watch in case I had an episode. 

When I still had my grace. 

"I don't understand, Sam." I sighed and forced myself to sit up. 

"Don't understand what?" He asked. 

"Why it still hurts so much." I swallowed. "I thought-I thought that it would work but I'm still-" I struggled to find a suitable word. 

Sam stared at me waiting. 

"Broken." I decided on. 

Sam pursed his lips and ran a hand through his hair. "You're not broken, man. It still hurts?" 

"Yeah." I nodded. 

"How bad we talking?" 

"I can't have an episode if that's what you mean." I crossed my arms. 

Sam nodded. "Right. It's difficult, man. I mean at the end of the day it's all inside you and how your brain copes with everything." 

"What does that mean?" I tilted my head. 

"You've know about mental health right?" 

"I was clinically insane for a while, Sam." I reminded him. 

Sam smiled. "Right, yeah. Sorry." He shook his head. "I'm not saying it's all in your head, believe me I'm not. I know how bad it can get. It can get real dark up here." He tapped his temple. 

"So how do you fix it?" I asked. 

Sam let out a big breath of air. "Nothing can just 'fix' it, Cas. It's not like a broken leg or something like that." 

"Oh." I sighed. 

I remembered how Jody had told me that it would be a part of me forever. 

I didn't think she had meant the hole though. 

"But there's things that can help. Talking about it helps. I would say therapy but we can't exactly explain everything to anyone can we?" 

I shook my head. 

"But you've got me, Dean, Jody and Jerry who're always gonna listen to whatever it is you wanna say." 

"I know, but sometimes I don't even know what it is." 

"What do you mean?" He asked. 

"It's just-I'm supposed to be an angel. That's who I am. I always was. But what's an angel with no grace and no wings? It was bad enough with damaged wings, Sam. But now I am a human. A doctor wouldn't see anything abnormal about me if I went. I met someone in the soup kitchen last week and they thought my name was short for Casper and I corrected them and she asked if I was named after the angel in the Bible. And I had to say yes because how could I prove that the angel in the Bible is actually me?" 

Sam pursed his lips. "That's a tricky one, Cas. I can't begin to understand it. I really can't. But you're still an angel to all of us. Even if you are human, we won't forget all the things you could do and the things that you did. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone. You're helping out at a soup kitchen, I think that's more like what most people view angels as anyway." 

I sighed. "But it's not the same." 

"I know." 

"But I don't want to be an angel again. I'm okay being human because having my grace-I wasn't happy, Sam. I feel so much more now and I can feel so much happier and I'm hardly ever scared. But-but this is the part that I don't understand. I don't want my grace back but I'm so terribly sad that I can't have it. And I don't understand why." 

Sam gave me a weak smile. "You've lost a part of yourself, man. It's a sad thing. I'm not surprised that you're sad about it. Even if that thing was hurting you it was a part of you. It makes sense." 

"So it's normal to feel like this?" 

"Yeah. It's normal." He nodded. 

I felt myself sort of smiling. 

"That's good. What else can I do to stop being so sad?" 

"So, there's talking about it. Therapy is a no. You could try some anti-depressants." 

"What's that?" I asked. 

"It's medication. Pills that you take every-" 

"No." I almost shouted. 

Sam held his hands up. "No one's gonna make you, Cas. It's okay." 

"I don't want that." 

Sam nodded. "I understand. It's an option. How about if it gets any worse we all look into it. All three of us? No secrets." 

I nodded slowly. "I don't want them still." 

"That's okay, Cas. We can figure it out whenever you're ready. For now just try your best to get outta bed and do the things you love. Like hanging out with Jerry. The soup kitchen. Hunting. Watching the stars. I'm pretty sure I heard Dean talking to Jody about taking you to a bee farm soon too." He winked. 

"Really?" I beamed. 

Sam chuckled. "Yeah, really. Make sure you take pictures of Dean running away from the bees for me." 

"Of course." I smiled. "But, Sam?" 

"What if none of that works?" 

"Then we talk about other options. Try and not dwell on it for too long. It's fine and it's healthy to let yourself be sad every now and then but if it's all you let yourself think about then it's how you'll always be." 

"I don't want that." I sighed. 

"You'll have good days again, Cas. I promise." 

"I used to be able to change a bad day into a good one sometimes." I swallowed. 

"How about we try that?" 

"What if it doesn't work?" I asked. 

He would be disappointed. 

Angry maybe. 

Sam shrugged. "Then we try again tomorrow. One day at a time, man. It doesn't matter what happened last week or what's gonna happen next week. Just right now you're sad so let's do something to make you happy." 

"Alright, Sam." I nodded. 

"Meet me at your car in an hour for dinner with Jerry then?" He asked. 

I nodded and smiled.

The hole in my chest was still aching. 

But Sam was right. 

One day at a time. 

It didn't matter how much it would hurt tomorrow. 

I shouldn't waste time worrying about that, I could be missing out on so many good days by doing that. 

It wasn't as easy as Sam and I made it out to be. 

The next few weeks were _hard._

I felt like there was nothing I could do to feel happy for days at a time and sometimes my chest ached so badly and I longed terribly for my grace. 

But I was getting better at being in control of my emotions. 

Sometimes it was harder than other times. 

But I was better. 

And most of the time I had full control. 

* * *

_Week ten_

"You want me to take it off?" Dean fiddled with my grace around his neck as he got into bed. 

I knew I was staring at it. 

I shook my head. "It's fine." 

"You sure?" He asked. 

I nodded and shuffled closer to him, intertwining our legs and pressing a kiss to his cheek. 

"Goodnight, Dean." 

"Night, Cas." Dean kissed me slowly before settling down onto the pillow to go to sleep. 

Things were better. 

I had thought about Sam's suggestion of the anti-depressants a few times. 

I'd even searched for them on the internet but the thought of taking pills again made my chest contract and all I could think of was the man who had sold the other pills to me. 

I'd made up my mind that they weren't for me. 

Dean wouldn't like them either. 

I was doing better. 

There was no risk of having an episode anymore. 

It made it so much easier to focus. 

Not having my grace didn't bother me too much anymore. 

I could never have it back. 

Dean had it. 

That was okay. 

I was okay with that. 

Sometimes I would dream that I was still an angel and I would dream of flying with my brothers and sisters again. 

It was always bittersweet. 

But overall I was glad that I had even been an angel in the first place. 

I was lucky enough to experience both sides of the spectrum. 

That was a gift. 

I could be with Sam and Dean now. 

I was just like them. 

There was no species difference. 

I knew it had always been strange for Dean being friends with someone who was't technically human. 

I realised that properly in Purgatory. 

It bothered me. 

In Purgatory it didn't matter as much. 

But out of Purgatory. 

It mattered again. 

He hid his friendship with Benny because he was a vampire. 

It always made me wonder about my own species being an issue. 

I had it in the back of my mind when our relationship changed too. 

Now I didn't need to worry about that. 

I thought as I settled down beside Dean who was already snoring that this might just be what true happiness felt like. 

* * *

_Six months later_

The routine that we had was easy. 

Simple. 

Sometimes it was disrupted by hunting or other issues. 

It wasn't perfect. 

But it worked. 

On Mondays we would usually pick up a case and we would head out in the morning. 

The case would usually be something simple like a couple of vampires or a vengeful spirit. 

It would take between two to four days usually. 

So by Thursday we were usually back in Lebanon. 

We would all go for breakfast at the diner in the morning. 

Sam, Dean, Jerry and I. 

We would catch Jerry up on the case that we had been working that week and he would catch us up on everything he'd been doing at work and how he and Cindy were doing. 

They'd gotten together around three months ago and things were going very well between them both. 

I was very happy for them and I was always excited to hear new things that they'd been doing together. 

Dean complained that Jerry always gave way too much information about their love life but I could tell that it was only Dean teasing. 

Dean and Jerry still had their arguments from time to time but overall I saw that they actually cared for one another as much as they tried to deny it. 

After breakfast Jerry and I would leave the diner and start trailing around Lebanon to each thrift store and buy clothes for the soup kitchen whilst Cindy would pick up canned and dried foods. 

We would meet back at the soup kitchen at five in the afternoon and set up. 

The soup kitchen was always loud and full of laughs now. 

I hadn't noticed how much people would smile and laugh with each other before. 

But now I noticed. 

I noticed a lot more. 

Sam and Dean started coming to the soup kitchen at nine in the evening, an hour before we closed and brought sandwiches for everyone. 

They would both add to the laughter and the joy in the room. 

After we were all finished Sam and Dean helped to clear away and clean the soup kitchen before Jerry and Cindy drove to their home in their car and Dean would drive Sam and I back to the bunker, his music playing just as loud as the soup kitchen had been. 

Sometimes Dean would drop Sam off outside the bunker and Dean would tell me to climb over the seats and we would drive to the park and sit at our bench, watching the stars until it would start to get light. 

Then it would be Friday and Friday was usually the day that we would travel to a nearby state and hustle cash. 

Dean would hustle a pool game at one end of the bar. 

Sam would hustle a poker game that was usually hidden away in a backroom. 

And I would hustle a simple card game at the other end of the bar. 

Sometimes it made me sad that I couldn't hustle as well as I used to with the advantage of being an angel and simply knowing the laws of probability and being able to read minds but after a few games with Sam and Dean I was able to beat them both almost every time. 

We always finished the night with plenty of cash for the week. 

Whether that be for beer runs, food runs, motels for hunts or for the people who slept outside. 

We would have enough even if one of us wasn't so lucky one night. 

Sometimes we got into trouble but with at least one of us being in hearing distance of the each other we were quickly able to grab whichever one of us was in trouble and quickly leave the bar and make a note not to hustle there again. 

That rarely happened. 

Even when it did Dean showed me how to see the humour in it. 

Even if Sam just rolled his eyes and told us both that it really wasn't funny. 

Sometimes we would drive back to the bunker for the night and sometimes we would stay at a motel, it depended how far away we were and if we had decided to drink whilst we hustled. 

But we'd always be back in time to have dinner at the diner and have a movie night in mine and Dean's room. 

All of us would somehow fit into the bed, usually it ended up with me either squashed in the middle of them both or just lay on Dean. 

The movie nights sometimes were only one movie and then Sam would go to bed himself but sometimes we were awake until the morning watching movie after movie. 

A few times Dean had fallen asleep watching whilst Sam and I were still awake. 

When he fell asleep to movies it was usually a very deep sleep so Sam would get this look on his face, almost childlike as he grabbed a marker and very carefully drew on Dean's face or sometimes he would try and put as much popcorn on his face as he could without Dean waking up. 

I usually had to keep my hand over my mouth so I wouldn't laugh as he did it. 

There was once when I'd forgotten to tell Dean when he woke up at the end of the last movie that he had marker glasses and a moustache so in the morning I burst out laughing when he kissed me. 

Dean gave me the silent treatment for a full two hours, Sam didn't help the situation by laughing each time he saw Dean either. 

Sundays were becoming my favourite days of the week. 

Thursdays were still _my_ day of course but Sundays were usually perfect. 

We would take turns between Jody coming to the bunker and us driving to South Dakota for 'a big family dinner'. 

Dean and Jody would always cook together no matter where we were and it was always a very big spread. 

There were always left overs no matter how full we all were. 

And the food was always amazing. 

I certainly didn't eat to live anymore like Sam had teased. 

After dinner because Dean and Jody had cooked Sam and I would wash up together and talk about anything we could think of. 

He would sometimes try and convince me to join his early morning runs whilst I would argue that running in the evening was much better. 

Dean and Jody would sometimes hang around in the kitchen listening to us bickering about it. 

Jody and Dean both agreed that running for pleasure was the strangest thing anyway so there was no point in arguing. 

I found that confusing as both of them seemed to do a lot of running in their jobs so surely they shouldn't mind it too much. 

After Sam and I had finished washing up we would all have a few beers together either in the library at the bunker or in Jody's living room. 

I had to admit, I preferred Sunday's at Jody's house so that I could easily lean on Dean as I drank my beer and if he had more than four he would start running a hand through my hair as he talked with Jody and Sam. 

He'd become much better in public too. 

Not that I really minded awfully anyway. 

I just didn't like the thought that other people were making him feel bad about himself. 

But sometimes, usually late at night he would hold my hand as we walked. 

Sometimes during the day at the diner he would give me a quick peck on the cheek too. 

But after our beers and chatting on Sunday nights we would all retire to bed. 

If we were at the bunker we would go to our rooms, Jody would use the spare room that Jerry sometimes used. 

If we were at Jody's, Dean and I would have the spare room and Sam would have the pull out sofa bed. 

Dean and I would stay awake for a little longer too, just talking. 

Talking about nothing really. 

Anything that we could think of. 

It could range from the food that we had just eaten to really deep conversations about God and demons. 

It depended on what mood we were in. 

But eventually one of us would fall asleep mid sentence. 

The hole in my chest was much more quiet these days. 

It was still there and every now and then I would have a bad day with it. 

But I knew it would never be as big as it used to be, never ache or tear as hard as it did before. 

Taking it one day at a time really did help. 

Trusting Sam and Dean was the right thing to do. 

Dean kissed me again, harder than before as he pushed me down onto the spare bed at Jody's house.

"Dean!" I shushed him. 

"Love you." He growled and bit my bottom lip. 

I smiled against him and pulled him closer. "I love you too. But we're at Jody's house. We need to go to sleep." 

Dean rolled his eyes but leaned to turn the lamp off, quickly getting back into my personal space. 

"Can't wait until we get home, sweetheart." 

"Don't we have a case tomorrow?" I raised an eyebrow. 

Dean groaned. "All work and no play." 

"Child." I smirked but shuffled so I was on my side, locking an arm around his waist. 

Dean gasped in mock hurt before chuckling low. 

"Dean?" I brought my hand up to his hair, stroking through it. 

"Yeah?" 

"I'm really happy." I smiled. 

I saw Dean's eyes light up even in the dark. "You are?" 

I nodded. "I just want to help everyone and you help me do that every day. I love you." 

"Don't be turning into a sap on me." He teased. 

I lightly slapped his shoulder. "Dick." 

Dean chuckled. "I love you too, Cas. You're the best thing that's happened to me." 

"Are you still being a dick?" I huffed. 

"Course not. I mean it." He leaned in and kissed me softly. "I did mean what I said though. Can't wait until we get home." He winked. 

"I am home." I shuffled closer, resting my head on his chest. 

I let my hand find my grace that was resting just above his heart and I fiddled with the vial. 

"What d'you mean?" He asked softly. 

"You're my home, Dean. I think you always have been." 

Dean pressed a kiss to my hair and squeezed me harder. 

"Night, Cas."

"Goodnight, Dean." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe that this fic is over  
> honestly what a damn ride it's been  
> I did promise a happy ending didn't I?  
> also if you didn't catch it, in this chapter cas is going through the five stages of grief  
> 1: denial 2:anger 3: bargaining 4: depression 5: acceptance  
> I really hope it was worth all the crying and the cursing my name for writing such sadness  
> thank you all for all of the support as I wrote this.  
> I do have an instagram now by the way (pullmyfingercrashgiggles) so if you ever want to know what other fics I have I'll be posting about them there  
> also in the next few weeks I will be rereading and editing this fic as I've noticed a few spelling and grammar errors in a few chapters  
> thank you all again and as always,  
> lotta love and stay safe  
> C


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